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What do you do when somebody makes you really

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mad ? Do you yell ? Do you calmly

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address the situation ? If

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you're like most of my clients , you'll

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get passive , aggressive or

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say nothing at all . In today's

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episode , I'm giving you four stoic

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solutions to help you manage

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conflict , including all that drama

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you just make up in your mind . As

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my key turns in the door , my heart

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swells with sleepy joy . I

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will soon be in my own bed

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. Getting from my family's house in

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New England to my one-bedroom flat

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in old England takes about

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20 hours of trains , planes , automobiles

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, security and passport control

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. So when my artist friend , joe

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, who'd stayed at my place , texted

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that he'd cleaned my carpet as

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a way to say thanks , I

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imagined walking into a sparkling

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apartment and fresh linens

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to sink into . But

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as soon as I open the door , I know

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something is wrong . My

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vegetarian home reeks of fish

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. I am not sure if

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it's cooking residue or

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the big black garbage bag

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leaking in the kitchen . Dishes

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wait for me in the sink . Coconut

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oil smears , the knives

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and spoons left on the counter

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, onion peels and other

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scraps litter the floor like peanut

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shells in a dive bar . The

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scene reminds me of the time a squirrel

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slid down my grandmother's

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chimney and went berserk

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in her house chewing up her wooden banister

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along with some carrots . And

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I am not a neat freak

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. My motivation to clean usually

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comes when I'm procrastinating on

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something else . But this is too much

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even for me . I put

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my shoes back on and walk the trash

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to the community bins . Then

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, instead of going to sleep , I

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get on my hands and knees and scrub

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the stench out of the wood flooring

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of my kitchen . So what am I going

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to say to Joe about this ? I'm

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a pretty chill person , but there was a time

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when I would have flipped out over the situation

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Like what the F were you thinking

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? Leaving my place like that ? That is so disrespectful

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. This is what I would have been thinking in my

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mind . But , being highly conflict

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avoidant , I would have either said nothing

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, talked about him behind his back or

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never spoken to him again . Stoicism

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has taught me that this is not a rational

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response . When we get mad

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at someone , we often don't explore

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why we are angry . Instead , when

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we're triggered , we make snap judgments

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and declare that someone else is

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the jerk . Stoicism tells us to

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pause , get curious about our

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thoughts and observe the bigger

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picture . Here are some

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dirty kitchen thoughts . He

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thinks he can take advantage of me . He

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doesn't respect me . He doesn't care about

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our friendship . He used me . Stoicism

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tells us to challenge the truth

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of these first impressions and

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accept or reject them based

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on rational thinking . How

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you choose to think about your circumstance

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will determine your emotional

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state . I'll say that again because it's very important how

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you choose to think about your circumstance

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will determine your emotional state

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. My response to the Joe situation

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intrigues me . I'm not mad . Okay

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, I'm a little annoyed when I first walk in and it's

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stunk , but I'm not furious

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. I don't take the state of my apartment

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as a personal attack , as

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if Joe's trying to hurt me . I'm

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more curious , like what

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was going on in his mind to leave the place

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like this , taking a moment to reflect

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. I know the mess has nothing

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to do with his respect for me . Most

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likely he was either careless or

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running to catch a train . Either

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way , it has nothing to do with my character

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and zooming out , it's

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not a big deal . No one bombed

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my home . But I feel like I should

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say something to Joe . First

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I have to figure out , one

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, why I want to say something

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and two , what outcome

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do I want ? Well , a tiny part of me

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wants to tell him off . That's not

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a good reason to talk to someone . I

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don't want the purpose of what I say to

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be unkind . Trying to hurt someone

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just does not align with my values

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. Here's a better reason to talk to Joe

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To help him preserve his future relationships

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by understanding that he

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should clean up after himself , in my

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opinion at least . Maybe other people thought

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the way he left the apartment was totally fine . When

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Joe texts me , here's how I respond

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hey mate , thanks so much for cleaning

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the carpet , a task I wouldn't have thought

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to do myself . I don't want you to

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think that I don't appreciate your effort , but

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when I came back , I was surprised to find a bag

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of open garbage in my kitchen and food

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on the counter and on the floor . I'll

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give you the benefit of the doubt that you were running to

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catch a train and didn't have time to clean

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. I'm telling you this because I

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know that you respect other people and the

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next time you stay at someone's place I

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don't want you to give them the wrong impression . I'm

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glad that you relaxed while you were here and I hope

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your week is off to a good start . A few

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minutes later , joe writes back and apologizes

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. He says he hadn't known where

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to put the garbage . I accept this and we

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move on with life . I'm still surprised

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by how fast conflicts can be resolved

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through dialogue . As an introverted

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enneagram nine , I agonize

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when relationships feel out of alignment and

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historically I tried ignoring

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this kind of discomfort , but it

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would always be looping anxiously in

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the back of my mind . As

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a communication coach , I've learned what

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to say during uncomfortable conversations

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, but it's stoicism that gave

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me the courage to say the words

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and the wisdom to see

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that my interpretation of events

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is mine alone . Was my

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conflict with Joe real or

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drama ? I created in my

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head A thought to challenge

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. For the most part I can stay

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angry at someone if I try , but

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before stoicism I

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did stop speaking to a few people rather

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than have an uncomfortable conversation

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, and I wonder now what

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would have happened if I'd had the courage

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to talk to them , if I'd gotten

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curious about their intentions instead

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of just assenting to the idea that

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they betrayed me . Back in

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my living room I pick up a winter solstice

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card that Joe left for me . In

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it he tells me that , after losing

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all his belongings , staying

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at my place felt therapeutic . When

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Joe was a kid . His mother's boyfriend

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burned their house to the

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ground . He lost everything

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. Two other guys she dated ended

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up in prison for killing people , and

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when I see a teen mom smoking a cigarette

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and pushing a prem , I imagine

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Joe's life as a baby and my

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heart hurts . These days

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, joe lives off grid in the woods where

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he makes nettle tea in a home that

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he's slowly building himself

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. His floors are literally dirt , so

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I forgive him for not noticing crumbs

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at my place , and while

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Joe didn't tidy the kitchen , it

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turns out that he washed my windows and

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made a few other home improvements . I

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put down Joe's card and , feeling

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a second wind , I decide to stay up

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until bedtime . This has all worked

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out for the best . This is going to help

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me get over my jet lag and later

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, when I wrap myself in my duvet

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and close my eyes , I

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will give thanks for the simple pleasure

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of having a roof over my head . More

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importantly , I'll be grateful I

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could offer this comfort to a friend .