0:12

Welcome to the

0:12

Live Year Bloom podcast, where I

0:14

interview people pursuing their ongoing

0:14

journeys to blooming and fulfillment.

0:19

My guest this week is Suzanne

0:19

Culberg, an author and coach who

0:23

helps over-givers and people pleasers.

0:27

Anybody out there relate to that? Learn to set boundaries and say

0:29

'no' without feeling like a bitch.

0:34

She says we should be saying nope a

0:34

lot more often, and I totally agree.

0:39

Suzanne, welcome.

0:41

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here.

0:44

And I know you're

0:44

coming all the way from Australia,

0:46

which was a bit of a challenge to

0:46

schedule, but we managed to do it.

0:50

The wonders of technology.

0:52

Yeah. It says here so too that you are

0:52

known for straight talking and you're

0:56

wacky t-shirts, and you live in

0:56

Sydney, Australia with your, your

1:00

husband, and two awesome children.

1:02

That's terrific. I would love to start this off just

1:03

by hearing a little background on what

1:07

led you to developing this business.

1:09

Oh, that's just,

1:09

I, I always love this question

1:11

because how far back do we go?

1:13

Not, don't start

1:13

when you were two, but when you.

1:18

So to cut a

1:18

very long story short, I never

1:22

actually wanted my own business. I always felt more comfortable

1:23

behind the scenes and hence

1:28

having a business in boundaries. They say, you teach what you most need

1:29

to learn so that you can learn it.

1:32

So I was always kind of the yes person,

1:32

the doormat, the people pleaser,

1:36

and it was hard to step out of.

1:39

And I remember a few years ago I came

1:39

across a quote, and I can't remember

1:42

who it's attributed to, but it was like,

1:42

"When you say no to keep the peace,

1:46

you start a war with inside yourself." And that quote really moved me

1:49

cause it was like, how often

1:53

would I say, 'oh sorry', when

1:53

you say yes to keep the peace.

1:56

Sorry, I quoted it wrong. And I just realized in that moment how

1:58

often, I didn't even check in with myself

2:02

if I was interested in anything before. I was just like, 'Yeah, sure.

2:05

Yeah, so use could you?' ' Yeah, sure.' And from there, I don't know,

2:06

a little seed was planted.

2:10

That started to take root, and I was

2:10

like, you know, just because I could

2:14

do something, doesn't mean that I

2:14

have to, or I'm even the right person.

2:17

Or if I didn't do it, they

2:17

couldn't go and ask someone else.

2:21

Cause so often we feel

2:21

indebted or we feel obligated.

2:24

And I think that's the big thing. This, healing of that sense of

2:26

obligation that I had was, you

2:30

know, for my own personal journey.

2:32

And then I realized how I wasn't alone.

2:34

Cause I think so often when we are people

2:34

pleasers, we think we're the only ones.

2:38

And we don't realize that, you

2:38

know, , we've got a secret community,

2:42

Oh yes, yes,

2:44

absolutely. Yeah.

2:45

And from there,

2:45

the, the business was born.

2:48

So I, I, was just

2:48

thinking because you gave me a piece

2:51

of advice just about six months ago and

2:51

said make a list of, I don't wanna do it.

2:56

I can do it, but I don't wanna, like for

2:56

me, there are many things on that list

3:01

because I've done many things in my life,

3:01

you know, and, and to make it short,

3:04

I'm, I was a seamstress for a while. That doesn't mean that I wanna do

3:06

everybody's hems and adjustments on

3:10

their clothes, and I spent years making

3:10

clothes for bands, and that is just

3:15

something I don't wanna do anymore.

3:17

So I have drawn a line. I had the, the name of a good, seamstress

3:19

and I'd say, 'I'm not doing it, but

3:23

you, I'm perfectly comfortable with

3:23

you taking it to her and she'll charge

3:27

you a little bit, but there you go.' And you know how long

3:29

it took me to do that? Just too long, you know?

3:33

It is a more often a female thing.

3:35

It is.

3:36

Yes. What's interesting you should say that.

3:38

So two examples come to mind. I love that this seamstress

3:39

thing, cause my son is determined

3:42

to be a fashion designer.

3:43

Oh, okay.

3:43

And he had his first lessons cause I've never learned how to sew.

3:46

So he just had his

3:46

first lessons last week.

3:48

So that cracked me up when you said that. But the other thing that comes

3:50

to mind is I am a very competent

3:53

cook but I don't enjoy it. And my husband and I have

3:55

been together for 20 years.

3:58

And I'm the kind of person who

3:58

our deal's always been, whoever

4:02

cooks the other one cleans. It was just, you know,

4:03

how we've run our lives.

4:06

And he always says, you

4:06

use way too many dishes.

4:09

Like, you know, you could be

4:09

so more efficient with this.

4:11

So over the years, it's basically

4:11

evolved that he cooks by clean.

4:15

And very recently I cooked something,

4:15

I can't remember what it was, and

4:19

my son cast me, was like, 'oh, mommy

4:19

cooked this?' and Jeremy's like,

4:23

'yeah, she's a quite a capable cook.

4:25

She just doesn't enjoy it.' And it was just, it was fascinating

4:27

cuz because people assume, or

4:30

even my own kids had assumed, 'oh,

4:30

mommy just can't cook.' I was like,

4:33

'no, I can, I just don't like it.'

4:34

I'm with you on that. I have the same arrangement

4:36

with my husband.

4:38

Although we've been trying to eat

4:38

really healthy lately and kind

4:41

of modify our diets, but yet I'm

4:41

not the one that does the prep.

4:45

I'll do the cleanup. I'm down with that. I used to do a lot of cooking, but

4:47

I don't have time to do everything

4:51

and I don't really want to too.

4:53

I don't take the great

4:53

pleasure from cooking.

4:56

I don't. It's just not one of my

4:57

favorite things to do.

4:59

Took me a long while to say I'm not doing

4:59

this anymore but, he's good with it.

5:03

He's an Italian. He loves like cooking and doing a pasta

5:04

and all that, but it is whatever a couple

5:08

comes together and decides how they

5:08

delineate responsibilities and doesn't,

5:13

it just has to do with them, you know.

5:15

I love that too

5:15

cuz it's not a hard and fast rule.

5:18

I think so many of us, we look

5:18

to people and go, they do it like

5:21

that, so I should do it like this. And it's like, no, like

5:22

what's in your pleasure.

5:25

For me, cooking's not particularly

5:25

in my pleasure and he actually

5:28

enjoys it, so why not?

5:29

There you go.

5:29

But then there's

5:29

other things like the yard work, which

5:32

would traditionally, societally be

5:32

the more, you know, masculine role.

5:36

I don't actually mind mowing the lawn. I tend to do the yard work, and it's,

5:38

it's very, it's very interesting,

5:42

but like, what's in your pleasure? What do you enjoy doing?

5:44

And can you come up with some form of

5:44

arrangement that, like, obviously it,

5:48

it'd be my absolute pleasure not to

5:48

do any cooking or cleaning or anything

5:51

like that, but, things need to get done. But actually having a discussion

5:53

about who enjoys what or who will

5:56

tolerate more than the other, instead

5:56

of just traditionally doing what,

5:59

you know, society has taught us.

6:01

Yeah. So, why do you think it's so hard for

6:01

us people pleasers and givers to draw

6:08

the line and say yes to what we want,

6:08

prioritize what we want instead, I

6:12

mean, in my group, Live Your Bloom. We are all notorious for if we

6:14

have a list of things to do,

6:18

we're gonna be at the bottom. And I have learned, and I try to work

6:19

with people to say, 'Put yourself at

6:23

the top, everything else is secondary.'

6:23

If you can't, I understand there's

6:27

health considerations, family, there's

6:27

a variety of things that happen.

6:32

But in general, I think it's Steven Colby

6:32

who had this wonderful quote that said,

6:36

'Don't make a list of your priorities.

6:39

Make your priorities the first thing

6:39

you do.' And I always say, make

6:43

sure you're at the top of the list. You're the priority.

6:46

What do you wanna do? Because if you're happy, if you're

6:47

happy with doing that, it will

6:52

be synergistically spilling over

6:52

to everything else that you do.

6:56

So why do you think that we have such

6:56

a hard time saying yes to ourselves?

7:00

I think

7:00

it's a lot of conditioning.

7:02

Like if you look at say, the good

7:02

girl or the good student complex that

7:07

we, you know, that the whole children

7:07

should be seen and not heard or,

7:10

you know, I remember my school motto

7:10

for the first school that I went to

7:14

was, 'Others first yourself last.'

7:16

And we see that, you know, like you

7:16

could see that as I don't know, but

7:20

as an adult, as a grown person, I've

7:20

been like, that's actually a terrible

7:24

message to be instilling in people

7:26

. Sharman Nittoli: I know, I know. Talk

7:27

about your conditioning. People pleasers, but often

7:28

self first is seen as selfish.

7:33

And I think there is a

7:33

really different line here.

7:36

And I remember, in a coaching

7:36

session I had as a client not that

7:39

long ago, the coach was saying to

7:39

me about embodying queen energy.

7:43

And it was funny for me. I had a lot of connotations with that.

7:47

And she was like in days of old that

7:47

like the queen is in like a battle

7:51

queen would be not doing everything

7:51

herself because, not because she

7:56

couldn't do it, not because she

7:56

was selfish or lazy or indulgent.

7:59

But if you are holding so much in your

7:59

capacity of like, what's happening on

8:03

the western front and people actually

8:03

wouldn't want their queen doing everything

8:07

because they would want her energy

8:07

channeled towards the bigger picture

8:12

thinking and taking care of the province

8:12

or the nation rather than just herself.

8:16

And I think often we, we don't want

8:16

to say no to people or we don't wanna

8:20

say yes to ourselves because we don't

8:20

wanna be seen as indulgent or selfish.

8:24

And we are conditioned

8:24

to be carers and givers.

8:26

But we are not actually modeled that

8:26

to be the best carer and giver we

8:31

need to give to ourselves first. Because if we're running around

8:33

doing all these things and we have

8:36

nothing left, like as you said, your

8:36

pleasure, your priorities rather than.

8:40

Because there's always gonna be something

8:40

like, there's always gonna be a kitchen

8:44

to clean or a loose end to follow up.

8:46

Especially in the days of modern

8:46

technology is always an email to answer

8:50

Yeah, yeah. I know. And I, I'm very conscious lately, there's

8:51

three projects that I'm working on.

8:56

And I hope, know, I try to adjust my

8:56

schedule and there are many days I

9:00

don't get to it because I get lost

9:00

with all of that little piddly stuff.

9:04

So I'm, I've become lately very conscious

9:04

of start it and I'll say, 'Nope, not

9:08

doing this right now.',' Nope, not doing

9:08

this, doesn't have to be done right now.'

9:12

The thing that has to be done

9:12

is the thing that is my dream.

9:15

That's what has to be done. You know, right now working on a book,

9:16

I'm trying to get ready to record again.

9:21

These are things that take a lot of,

9:21

of time and preparation and for some

9:26

reason I don't, you know, I kind of say,

9:26

'I'll get to that, I'll get to that.'

9:30

And I don't, so and I don't get to it.

9:32

And then I'll say, 'all right,

9:32

tomorrow's another day.' And I'm

9:35

trying to just hold myself accountable.

9:37

If you say you're gonna

9:37

do it, you're gonna do it.

9:39

You know, we had a, we have a

9:39

bloom huddle meeting once a month.

9:43

And one of the topics once was,

9:43

do you have trouble saying no?

9:46

And do you say yes way too easily

9:46

to everybody, but yourself?

9:50

You should have seen the turnout.

9:52

Oh my God. And they struggled with that word selfish.

9:56

Yes. What do you say to people that feel

9:57

selfish when they put themselves first

10:01

cause that's how they've been conditioned?

10:03

Someone said to me

10:03

once, 'self first is not selfish'.

10:07

And that really struck a chord. That was a, a fellow coach, Heather Tobin.

10:11

And I was like, that is so true. And also too, it's according to who,

10:13

cause so often like we will think,

10:19

they like, you know, the mysterious,

10:19

they will think I'm selfish.

10:22

And just to pause in that moment

10:22

and go they who like, can you

10:26

get a particular image for me?

10:29

I don't know if you listen to my podcast

10:29

Mom and dad, but it's often my parents.

10:33

Like it's that internalized parent

10:33

or internalized critic that is my

10:38

parent saying, you should be more

10:38

considerate or you should do this.

10:41

And it's kind of like, what, where are

10:41

we instilling a message inadvertently

10:46

that our children will then carry along? So at the moment, at the time of

10:47

recording this, my children have just

10:50

been visiting my parents for the first

10:50

time for away and I've stayed home

10:54

and they've gone cause my family lives

10:54

interstate and, my son was ringing.

10:59

And I could tell when he'd reached

10:59

enough, you know, where he reached

11:01

that point where it's like he's

11:01

homesick and he wants to come home.

11:04

And he was whispering to me and he's like,

11:04

'Mommy, I want to cry.' And I'm like,

11:08

'That's okay honey, let's cry together.'

11:08

And he's like, 'Oh, Nanny and Poppy

11:12

told me that, you know, I shouldn't cry. Boys, boys shouldn't cry.'

11:14

And I was like, 'No, honey, tears

11:14

are always welcome.' I'm like,

11:17

'Do you wanna get onto the, we were just talking on the phone. Do you want me to FaceTime

11:19

you?' He's like, 'Yeah'. We just cried together.

11:22

And I think, sometimes we internalize

11:22

our good child like to please our

11:26

parents and we keep carrying that

11:26

with us when really if we'd had an

11:30

actual discussion, like it is okay.

11:33

It is always okay. Like sometimes we say stuff

11:34

to our children to get through

11:37

the moment that then they carry

11:37

with them for years and decades.

11:40

Forever more.

11:41

Good point. Very good point. Yeah.

11:43

I was just like, if

11:43

you are sad, if you don't want to,

11:46

there are times when, you know, like

11:46

I can, I've said to my kids, just

11:49

put your shoes on and we have to go. But then we keep that message forever

11:50

more and it's like, yeah, there are

11:53

times where we do have to do stuff.

11:55

Like we have to. There is an appointment, there is a

11:57

doctor's thing, there's a follow up.

11:59

There's something that needs to be done. But a lot of the time it isn't.

12:02

We're not a three year old who needs to put their shoes on anymore, but we just keep that.

12:06

So it's like pausing and asking yourself,

12:06

you know, does this need to be done?

12:10

Yes or no? Does it need to be done by me?

12:14

Yes.

12:14

Cause there's often delegating. And it was interesting as the, the

12:15

children just got home last night.

12:18

They're like, the house is so clean. And I'm like, 'Yeah, because, you guys

12:19

haven't been here', but it's kinda like

12:23

for me this time has been like renewing

12:23

about they can actually do a lot more

12:28

than I have, than I have realized. And, you know, renegotiating these

12:30

boundaries all through our life.

12:33

And I've got a little bit on a

12:33

tangent there, but I think it's the

12:36

voice that says, you must do this.

12:38

Pause. Notice it.

12:40

Be curious about it. Rather than judgmental or

12:42

ignoring or just listening.

12:46

Or when you

12:46

start to feel that guilt.

12:48

I, at this point, I know

12:48

where that comes from.

12:50

But I lived long enough to see my mom,

12:50

who was very proper, very religious, had

12:56

a very strong sense of right and wrong. Lived, a life dedicated to her family

12:59

and her children, which was beautiful.

13:03

We used to say, 'You're always

13:03

here, you're always home.

13:07

You need to get a life.' And she would

13:07

say, 'You're my life.' And all that

13:11

was fine and fine, but in the latter

13:11

part of her life, especially when she

13:15

got older, she stopped being so nice

13:15

and it wasn't because of dementia.

13:19

She, she didn't have that. She just started to get very objective.

13:23

There were some disappointments. My brother passed away,

13:25

which she could never accept.

13:29

And sometimes, you know, there would

13:29

be like a birthday, 'Okay mom, what do

13:33

you want?' And she would say, 'I want

13:33

a sky blue raglin sleeve turtleneck'.

13:38

And we would go out and buy it and

13:38

she would come back and throw it at

13:42

us and say, 'You call that sky blue. It's not sky blue.' And

13:44

we were like, 'Who are?

13:47

Why, why didn't you raise us like this?

13:49

Because our lives would've been different

13:49

if this is how you're gonna end up'.

13:53

And so, her boundaries, let's

13:53

just say they changed her concept.

13:58

And then she said something very valuable.

14:00

She said, 'Time is very valuable to

14:00

me right now and I want what I want.'

14:04

And I just always remember that

14:04

saying, well, why do I have to wait

14:07

till my eighties to want what I want.

14:09

That's such a great example. What that's brought to mind for me

14:10

is, so my mother, I thought that she

14:15

liked this perfume called White Linen.

14:17

And so I always bought it for her

14:17

Mother's Day birthday, Christmas.

14:20

It wasn't cheap either, like, you

14:20

know, and eventually, she's like,

14:25

'I don't actually like this.' And I

14:25

was like, 'Well, that would've been

14:27

nice to know like 20, 30 years ago.'

14:31

And then like my own daughter, Xanthi for,

14:31

for the Mother's Day store at school, she

14:36

bought me this hand cream thing scented.

14:39

And I, I don't like anything

14:39

scented, like it gives me a headache.

14:43

So I sat her down. I was like, 'I love this.

14:45

I love the thought you've put into it. I love this. But in future, this is not,

14:47

this is something I would prefer

14:50

to choose myself, and these are

14:50

the kind of things I'd like.'

14:52

And I remember my mom taking me aside

14:52

and absolutely tearing me a new one.

14:57

She's like, 'That was the worst thing to do. Is this, this?' And I'm like, ' No, no.

15:00

What's the worst thing to do is pretend

15:00

you love something and then find out years

15:04

later, especially, saving up my little

15:04

pocket money or, or whatever.' Cause

15:07

I'm so excited and I think this is the

15:07

thing, it's like this is where the core of

15:12

boundaries and people pleasing come from. If someone gives you something, I'm not

15:14

saying throw it back at them and say, you

15:17

call this sky blue, Dad did that to me.

15:19

You can do that when

15:19

you're in your eighties, you know?

15:22

Yes, but, but

15:22

actually saying 'Thank you so much,

15:25

you put so much thought into this. And I really appreciate it.

15:28

I actually like in future,

15:28

I actually prefer this'.

15:31

Because I think that is, when we are

15:31

giving somebody something we want to

15:36

give them something that they love. And so I think it's more, in more love

15:38

to be that direct there than to pretend

15:44

you like something that you set aside. And like I've worked with people

15:45

who have been given gifts that

15:48

they can't stand and they hide, you

15:48

know, you guys have an attic there.

15:52

Or here it would be. I Call it the Harry Potter

15:53

cupboard like under the stairs.

15:55

And then you pull it out when

15:55

that person's coming over.

15:57

Yeah. And I got one of them, too. When somebody gives it to us, this is you.

16:02

And you're looking at it

16:02

saying, it is so clearly not me.

16:06

How do I handle this, you know?

16:08

Yeah. And I just think, Brené Brown,

16:08

like I love Brené Brown.

16:11

She's like, choose

16:11

discomfort over resentment.

16:14

So the discomfort of having that

16:14

conversation in the moment as opposed to

16:18

the resentment of, cause the thing is,

16:18

once someone thinks you like something,

16:21

then they keep giving it to you. So like my mom mentioned once offhand,

16:22

something about liking roosters.

16:27

And so for years everyone bought a rooster

16:27

mugs, rooster clocks, rooster, everything.

16:33

And until our house was almost

16:33

overflowing with it and she was like,

16:35

actually, 'I don't really like them

16:35

that much.' And I was like, 'Well, this

16:38

would've been something that would've

16:38

been nice to know like a decade ago.'

16:42

Well, what I would love

16:42

to hear about is the W eight program.

16:46

I'd like to hear more about that and

16:46

then we'll get into some other stuff.

16:49

So, tell, tell us.

16:50

Yes. I love how you, I love

16:51

how you pronounce that. So Why W8?

16:54

Why W8 is my program.

16:57

Okay.

16:57

No, it's all good. Because the thing is, it's, it is an

16:59

eight technically, but in my actual

17:02

branding, it's an infinity symbol. And on its side, and it's

17:04

like, what are you waiting for?

17:07

And it's all about, Why do we wait?

17:11

We say when the kids are older, when

17:11

they finish school, when I've got

17:15

the house, when I've paid off this,

17:15

when I, you know, if the people

17:18

pleaser mantra is, I'll get to that.

17:21

And we have all these, you know,

17:21

unfinished passion projects.

17:24

Lining the draws and sitting around.

17:26

And the reason so many of us wait

17:26

is because we don't have boundaries

17:31

and the ability to say no to others

17:31

so that we can say yes to ourselves.

17:35

So it's a 10 week program where

17:35

we go from over-giving and people

17:39

pleasing to setting boundaries and

17:39

taking action, but not in some magical

17:44

unicorn formula prescription thing.

17:47

Cause you know, we all know. The problem with prescriptions is

17:48

they work while you're taking them,

17:51

but then when you stop, it's like,

17:51

I never actually initially wanted

17:54

a program for that very reason. I've, I've err away from bootcamp

17:55

style, go out or go home.

18:00

Cause you know, I'd rather just stay at home. But it's about like having a community

18:02

of people who are open and honest

18:07

and vulnerable and share about what's

18:07

happening in their lives and what they

18:10

would like to be happening and how we can

18:10

start together in our own lanes, but you

18:15

know, as a community taking those steps.

18:17

In that program, do

18:17

you also include things like self care,

18:21

nutrition, I know that you have this

18:21

wonderful book called, the Beginning

18:25

is Shit, which we will get to that book

18:25

about, which is about weight, dealing

18:29

with weight, and it sounds wonderful. But in this program, Why W8?

18:33

Do you include nutrition as well?

18:35

No, I, we, we make

18:35

mention of like, so the thing is over

18:39

consuming is a problem for many people.

18:42

And you know, for me, I am

18:42

a foodie, hence my memoir.

18:46

Beginning shit is about my

18:46

personal weight loss journey.

18:48

But personally, like from my

18:48

point of view, a lot of us know

18:52

what to do, we just don't do it. So me explaining, you know, the

18:54

benefits of this and that, is often

18:58

people have the nascent eye roll. It's like, I know all this, and if they

19:00

don't, I'd happily recommend refer,

19:04

you know, dietician, nutritionist, some

19:04

other person who that is their jam.

19:08

But you know, it does come up in

19:08

passing, but it's not direct like

19:12

that because yeah, I, I believe,

19:12

and most of the people that I work

19:15

with have a fair idea of what to do.

19:17

They just don't it.

19:18

They do have a fair idea. Yeah.

19:20

I, I, I've, I just recently

19:20

really came to terms with certain

19:24

habits that I had with eating. You know, I was like a grazer

19:26

cause I would not sit down and

19:29

eat a meal, but I would be grazing

19:29

during the course of the day.

19:32

And it took me all this time to just

19:32

say, I'm not doing that anymore.

19:36

I'm just not. And I did eliminate it.

19:38

And I, and I, and what happened now

19:38

is I just really enjoy my meals.

19:42

I really enjoy sitting down and

19:42

having a meal and identifying

19:46

it as a meal and feeling full.

19:49

And of course why we do things like that.

19:51

That's like a whole nother thing.

19:53

Well, that's a whole

19:53

people pleasing behavior as well too,

19:55

because sometimes sitting down, like we

19:55

said, sitting down, enjoying my meal.

19:59

If we are always flitting and, and being

19:59

of service to others, like constantly,

20:03

especially those of us mothers and

20:03

mothers of young children, like I get it.

20:07

And it's like, actually, and I

20:07

remember not that long ago, so

20:10

I love porridge, like a cooked

20:10

porridge in the morning, warm, no

20:14

matter what time of the year it is. And I always say to my children,

20:15

mommy's putting the porridge on now.

20:19

Like, do you want your

20:19

breakfast now or after?

20:21

And usually they haven't before,

20:21

but the other day, my son was busy

20:24

with his little craft and he's like,

20:24

no, no, I, I wanna keep coloring.

20:27

I'm like, that's okay. And then my porridge was ready and

20:27

he's like, I want breakfast now.

20:30

And I'm like, well, you're gonna need

20:30

to wait till I finished eating this.

20:32

And he's like, ' In the Goldilock

20:32

story, mommy bear eats cold porridge'.

20:37

I was like, 'yes honey. And I ate mommy bear.'

20:42

And that is so

20:42

important for I believe for children

20:45

to understand that their parents value

20:45

themselves enough to set boundaries.

20:49

And so that they don't get used to

20:49

thinking that they can just snap

20:52

their fingers and have things that

20:52

would automatically happen because

20:56

that's how important they are. They are important.

20:59

But I think it's very healthy to observe

20:59

parents setting their own boundaries.

21:03

Yeah.

21:04

I love that too. And also too often parents do have really

21:05

good boundaries in some context, like

21:09

the, the, with Covid, many of us have

21:09

adjusted to a working from home situation

21:14

and we'll have perfect boundaries. Like, don't come in while I'm working.

21:17

But if I'm reading a book or having a

21:17

bath or doing something just for me,

21:21

it's like my boundaries person in place

21:21

for my pleasure as well as for my work.

21:25

And some people are like

21:25

really surprised or, you know,

21:28

maybe even horrified by that. And I'm like, my kids know if

21:29

there's blood, if there's an

21:33

honest emergency, a hundred percent

21:33

I can always be interrupted.

21:37

But sometimes what. CLA classifies as an emergency

21:38

to them is not for me.

21:41

Like I remember when my daughter

21:41

was younger explaining that,

21:45

you know, you can always come

21:45

to me if it's really important.

21:47

And she's like, yeah, okay, And I'm doing something.

21:49

And she marches in and I'm like, 'what is it?' And she's like, ' oh, it's so important.

21:52

Mommy. Do you know I can fit 27 blueberries

21:53

in my mouth?' And I'm like, 'we have

21:56

a very different definition of what's

21:56

important' and then it's explaining.

22:00

Cause I think the other thing with

22:00

boundaries for so many of us is

22:02

we just assume, like when we say

22:02

important that we're on the same page.

22:07

And it's like actually

22:07

having a discussion.

22:09

What, what classifies as important

22:09

and coming to an agreement, like

22:12

a boundary isn't you dictating? I will.

22:14

I think this is where the whole queen

22:14

and, and too good for and whatever thing

22:18

comes in and it's like, no, no, it's

22:18

having a discussion because sometimes

22:22

we think, like, you know, in, in my

22:22

family and we're talking about cooking

22:26

earlier in the show, like, you know,

22:26

traditionally the woman would be the

22:29

cook and it's like, so we just assume

22:29

my husband loves cooking, I don't.

22:34

So it's just having that discussion,

22:34

what actually is in your pleasure and

22:39

what's in theirs, and with the boundary,

22:39

what is important, and coming up with

22:42

a mutual definition, which can be

22:42

different in different relationships.

22:46

Yeah. I just wanna remind, tell everybody

22:46

on your site, your book, which is,

22:51

looks very interesting, and it, it

22:51

is, it says that's the inspiring

22:55

story of a woman desperate to achieve

22:55

a healthy and comfortable weight.

22:59

I'm not gonna read the rest of it,

22:59

but how many people relate to that.

23:03

But the wonderful thing is that you

23:03

can get, the first two chapters can

23:06

be downloaded for free, so you can

23:06

actually preview it and I will be

23:10

doing that, and all of that stuff is

23:10

gonna be on the podcast landing page.

23:14

Well, thank you so much. I really appreciate that. And one thing too, for anyone,

23:16

if you do grab those two chapters

23:19

from my site, I'd love it. It doesn't automatically sign

23:21

you up for my newsletter.

23:23

Another one, I think a boundary for

23:23

me is when I give my email address

23:26

away and I'm suddenly being bombarded

23:26

with thousands of things, you'll

23:29

literally get two emails from me. The book chapters and then an invitation

23:31

if you wanna keep hearing from me.

23:34

But, yeah, that's another

23:34

thing for me personally.

23:37

I noticed that. That's a different. I haven't seen anybody do that.

23:40

So, it's an interesting

23:40

way to approach it.

23:43

I have a, a group, I don't necessarily

23:43

do coaching, but I did form a group

23:47

called Work It, which is just a group

23:47

work sessions and I have because a lot of

23:52

people need to be with a group in order

23:52

to commit to, and that's what we do.

23:56

So I set up, schedules. I have at least two to three

23:58

work sessions each week that

24:02

are three to four hours long. Some in the afternoon,

24:03

some in the morning. And, they're a fascinating group

24:05

of, of people right now, all ladies,

24:09

but men are certainly welcome

24:09

that we just support each other.

24:13

We always kick around something for the

24:13

first half hour and, and I sometimes teach

24:18

little ukulele or I do a little face yoga

24:18

or, you know, I do a little something or

24:23

we just talk and share what's going on.

24:26

And support each other because

24:26

it is life that gets in our way

24:30

of doing the things we wanna do.

24:32

And somehow we, if you can show

24:32

up for 20 minutes, this is what I

24:36

really believe and have, it's true.

24:39

Even show up for 20 minutes

24:39

to start to work on something.

24:42

So, for example, you

24:42

wanna play an instrument.

24:44

I know how many people say, you

24:44

know, I'm gonna wait till I'm, wait,

24:47

wait, wait, wait till I'm retired. Why would you wait till you're retired?

24:51

You, you're counting on

24:51

having perfect health.

24:54

You don't know that. So, you know, it's, it's not like it

24:55

was when I was a kid where you had to

24:59

have a piano where you didn't play. There's lots of places to learn

25:01

how to play and lots of affordable

25:05

little keyboards and whatever. If you wanna play 20 minutes a

25:07

day, couple times a week, you'll be

25:11

playing Jingle Bells by December,

25:11

but, and that's just music.

25:14

But how many people say, 'oh, I've

25:14

always wanted to write', right?

25:18

' I've always, I wanted to get back to

25:18

my painting.' Well, why aren't you?

25:22

'Oh, because my husband says,

25:22

you know, the house is set and he

25:25

doesn't want the house disturbed.' And you know, and.

25:28

Well, how about this? I'm disturbing the house.

25:31

Deal with it. Its my house.

25:36

That sounds like coaching to me. .

25:38

Sharman Nittoli: I'm claiming the

25:42

And when I'm in the corner, I totally

25:42

agree with you, Suzanne, when you

25:46

say, unless you got blood coming

25:46

outta your ears, don't bother me.

25:49

But when I'm finished

25:49

doing my thing, you got me.

25:53

Okay. And I think this leads

25:53

to the point of quality time versus

25:57

quantity time because so often we spend

25:57

so much time, you know, like with our

26:02

children or whatever, but watching TV

26:02

and I'm not knocking things like this.

26:06

Yeah. But you know, it's quantity time. And or you go somewhere, it's like,

26:08

look at me, look at me, look at me,

26:10

look at me, look at me, look at me. And it's like, oh, I just, you know.

26:13

Whereas when we do have that quality time,

26:13

so like when I'm working, I'm working and

26:18

when I'm with my kids, I'm with my kids. And you know, there's never any judgment

26:20

for people who are on their phone

26:24

or, you know, doing TV like you do,

26:24

you, is a principle that I live by.

26:28

But it's kind of like when we all get

26:28

the chance to fill our own cup, make the

26:32

paint, do the mess, and as you said, like

26:32

I, it don't need to be with the whole.

26:36

You can have a desk, you

26:36

can have a corner, you can

26:38

have a space that dedicated.

26:40

There's,

26:40

there's some place you can claim.

26:42

You can go in the attic,

26:42

you can go in the basement.

26:45

I live in a very small house and I

26:45

just said I wanted to get back to

26:48

guitar, so I just found a corner that

26:48

did not exist before, but now it does.

26:53

And I have a little chair and

26:53

my guitar's over there and

26:56

my music stand is all there. So if I wanna sit down and

26:57

play or practice, there's

27:00

not a big deal to setting up. I can just plop myself down and do it 15,

27:02

20 minutes, maybe more, maybe less, and

27:09

it feels good, and that feel good is just

27:09

taking you through the day, you know.

27:14

It so does, and also

27:14

too, the power of 15, 20 minutes.

27:18

Because if you have a dedicated

27:18

corner that you are doing your

27:20

craft, you're painting your music

27:20

in and then you can just leave it.

27:24

So my book was written in 15 minutes

27:24

a day over a couple of months.

27:29

I think it was close to eight

27:29

months because I had very young

27:32

children when I was writing it. So that was the pockets

27:33

of time that I could get.

27:35

Whereas some people think I need to

27:35

sit down and dedicate, you know, hours

27:39

to my guitar or hours to my book. It's like, no, 15 minutes.

27:42

And as you said, the little hit of

27:42

like endorphins, dopamine that you

27:45

get from that 15 minutes carries

27:45

through the rest of the day as opposed

27:49

to hours that you'll probably, you

27:49

know, may never get to carve out.

27:53

And even if you do, like I, I've

27:53

just, as I said, my children

27:55

just got back from being away. I had all these grand plans and really,

27:56

I really just kind of napped and watched

28:00

tv, but there's no guilt, shame, or shade.

28:02

It was like, that's what I needed. So book two will come.

28:05

But yeah, it didn't come in that period

28:05

that I had thought because dedicating

28:09

hours over a short period of time is not

28:09

as efficient as we think it would be.

28:14

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, we are just so in

28:14

tune with so many things, you know?

28:18

So, you know what I would like to

28:18

know, when people come on your site,

28:22

what can they, or the Why W8 program,

28:22

what can they expect to happen?

28:27

Is it modules, is it group meetings?

28:30

What is it?

28:31

So the Why

28:31

W8 program, it's fabulous.

28:34

It is always taught live. I have something about like no thing

28:35

to people who pre-record stuff,

28:39

but for me personally, there's

28:39

something about the live energy of it.

28:42

So there is modules. And they are taught

28:44

live every single round.

28:46

In the teaching concept of things,

28:46

I teach via Facebook Live so people

28:51

can interact and ask questions as

28:51

I teach but, it's not coaching.

28:54

It's here's the delivery

28:54

of the content pieces.

28:57

And then each week we also have a

28:57

group coaching call, which is where

29:01

we all jump on Zoom together, and I'm.

29:04

Come as you are. So if you are uncomfortable with

29:05

your camera on, have your camera off.

29:09

If you are uncomfortable asking a question

29:09

out loud, type it in the chat box.

29:12

As I said, you do, you is

29:12

something I really live by.

29:14

And what I have loved from writing

29:14

this program from a number of years

29:17

now is seeing people go from, cause

29:17

the thing is, believe it or not,

29:20

I am a socially awkward, highly

29:20

sensitive, very shy introvert.

29:24

So groups are really challenging

29:24

for me, yet I run one.

29:29

So seeing people go from like not

29:29

even being able to come into the call,

29:33

like basically watching the replay

29:33

to coming into the call with the

29:36

camera off to turning the camera on

29:36

and kind of like to, you know, then

29:40

being a space where they can just

29:40

ask the question, show up, celebrate.

29:44

It's just sensational. So there's group coaching.

29:47

There's a really, I, I introduce,

29:47

it's not on my webpage or anything

29:50

cause it's like, not official, but

29:50

I'm actually thinking it what will

29:54

become official part of the program. We have an app called Voxer,

29:56

which is one of these voice

29:58

apps, and I call it Why W8 radio?

30:00

And basically what I love about it

30:00

is it's teaching people pleasers

30:03

that we don't need to listen and

30:03

respond to everything we can turn up,

30:06

share, take what we need and leave.

30:09

And I introduced it two rounds ago

30:09

and it's been just so fabulous to know

30:12

that, you know, this is a space where

30:12

I can share and be heard, and I don't

30:16

need to respond or reply to everything.

30:19

I can just be me.

30:20

And it's called Voxer? Voxer?

30:22

Voxer. It's a free app. And for anybody, like you don't,

30:24

it's, I didn't make the app.

30:26

It's a voice messaging app. Like I know there's Telegram and

30:27

WhatsApp and all these others.

30:30

What I personally love about Voxer is

30:30

it's kind of like a walkie-talkie is

30:34

in, you can listen while the person is

30:34

recording, and then, and they can record

30:38

back, and it's just, it's fabulous.

30:41

I use it with my one to one clients and

30:41

then I introduce it to Why W8, because

30:45

it's a space where you can be heard.

30:48

And what I always love is listening to

30:48

people when they share a message and the

30:52

fear we have of taking up too much time.

30:54

Like I know someone's last round

30:54

was like, 'oh I'm so sorry.

30:57

I didn't realize I talked for so

30:57

long when they spoke for like five

31:00

minutes.' And I was like, first off,

31:00

the maximum Voxer message is 15 minutes.

31:05

Ask me how I know. But also it's just kind of like, it's

31:08

often, it's not being heard so much.

31:13

It's like not the

31:13

response that we're after.

31:15

It's the space that we

31:15

know that we've been heard.

31:17

And that is something that, you

31:17

know, I love to provide for my

31:20

clients and for a lot of us who

31:20

are over consumers or whatever.

31:25

Having the vox part is kinda like, for

31:25

me, it's when I do my walking or when

31:29

I do my house cleaning or when I do

31:29

something that, you know, I, I should

31:32

do, but don't particularly want to. Then I, it, I'm like, 'oh, okay.

31:36

I've got, you know, this many messages

31:36

that I can listen to' motivates me

31:39

to exercise or clean or do housework.

31:42

Yeah. And you know what also be I wanna touch

31:42

upon is, how you set the day in the

31:48

morning when you get up, the things

31:48

you do, the things you listen to.

31:51

I, I also try to find stuff to listen

31:51

to positive stuff to set the day, or I

31:56

used to be a real news junkie, and I'll

31:56

tell you that just does not work to do

32:00

anything for your disposition or for

32:00

your positivity or for anything at all.

32:05

So I have committed to just, I

32:05

listen twice a day for 20 minutes.

32:09

I pretty much get everything there,

32:09

you know, if, if it's different

32:13

at six o'clock, I'll listen. If it's the same as it was at 10, I won't

32:15

listen because, you know, I, I, and by

32:20

doing that has changed my life completely.

32:23

And also you're getting someone else's narrative, you know, so the other things too.

32:27

The Why W8 radio isn't just about the

32:27

program, it's about all sorts of things.

32:30

Last round, I learned the difference

32:30

between Canadian Thanksgiving

32:32

and American Thanksgiving. I didn't even know,

32:33

cause I'm in Australia. We didn't even have Thanksgiving here.

32:36

We talk about the seasons and the weather

32:36

and the time zone and snowblowers,

32:40

which also aren't a thing here. Like, I was like, is it kind of

32:41

like a leafblower, but for snow?

32:44

And they're like, 'Suzanne, think of

32:44

the logistics of this.' You know, it's

32:46

kind like getting to know cultures

32:46

outside your own in a way that's good.

32:50

Not in a, in a news way or where

32:50

somebody has a particular narrative.

32:53

Yeah. And you know what else? When you've been with somebody for a

32:55

long time, there are times that you slip

32:59

into this way of relating to each other

32:59

where you're not really listening to each

33:05

other and you're not really encouraging

33:05

each other to express themselves.

33:09

Both male and female, do that. You slip into that comfort zone of

33:11

like here's your coffee, here's your

33:14

breakfast, here's this, here's that. So to be in a group, I find for the

33:16

people that come to work, you know,

33:20

they love being able to talk without

33:20

anybody saying I don't wanna hear that

33:25

or, you know, I'm not interested in

33:25

what you're saying or being cut off.

33:29

They, they, you know, because you do

33:29

come to conclusions about life when

33:34

you can actually verbalize it and not

33:34

just think about it, but talk it out.

33:38

And then how many times does somebody

33:38

turn around and say, you know what?

33:41

I would like to write a book. Well, you know what?

33:44

I do have this idea for this business,

33:44

and this thing that I've been doing for

33:48

fun over here, I wanna open up an Etsy

33:48

store and that everybody will, will.

33:53

Oh God, that's just the most glorious

33:53

feeling to, to bring that out of people

33:59

and, and then that's what they work on.

34:01

I love that so much. Our work sounds so similar and

34:02

it's interesting too because the,

34:05

the side things that come out. I remember last round too, there was

34:07

a whole discussion about obedience

34:09

training dogs, and different

34:09

tools, and tips and suggestions.

34:13

And cause people will often do

34:13

the radio while they're walking

34:16

their dogs and then there'll be the

34:16

background thing and then, 'oh, this is

34:19

happening', and photos that are shared. And it's just like this real community,

34:21

like a global community, which I love.

34:25

But also too, for anything, it's kind

34:25

of taking your place at the table, so

34:30

to speak, I think so often we feel that

34:30

we don't fit in or we're not this, and

34:34

it's kinda like we count ourselves out. Like you matter in every space

34:35

that you choose to put yourself in.

34:39

And I think that's a real healing

34:39

thing from the work that I do.

34:41

And it sounds like the work that

34:41

you do too, like the things that we

34:44

would think of mundane or every day,

34:44

like in Christmas, Thanksgiving, how

34:49

to trip trips for tips and tricks,

34:49

I'll get it out in a second, for

34:53

training your dog to someone else. That's phenomenal.

34:55

That's news .

34:57

Sharman Nittoli: Yeah, you know, My, I have an old boy and I know I get

34:59

the feeling we could talk all day, but

35:03

we're not going to, so, but my, my boy

35:03

that everybody knows I adore him, but

35:08

he's gonna be 16 and he, he's great, he's

35:08

active, he, you know, but he's manifesting

35:13

certain kinds of eccentric behaviors.

35:15

And the other day I happened to

35:15

mention, you know, he's doing a funny

35:18

thing around five o'clock every night

35:18

when the sun goes down, he starts

35:22

to whine and he paces the floor.

35:25

He circles the floor and I said, it's,

35:25

it's not like he doesn't know me.

35:29

He just seems so disoriented. And by talking about it, one of the

35:31

women there who was a nurse practitioner,

35:36

she said he has sundown syndrome. Did you ever hear?

35:39

And she said, elderly people have

35:39

that who happen to sleep a lot during

35:43

the day and they identify the time

35:43

of day by the position of the sun.

35:48

So if he's an old boy and he's sleeping

35:48

a lot, he really is disoriented at night.

35:53

So now I leave all the lights on and

35:53

I talked to my vet and there's some

35:58

homeopathic stuff that she recommended to

35:58

me for him to try to relieve the stress.

36:04

And, sometimes I give him a

36:04

melatonin, a very, very, very low

36:07

dosage that just helps him sleep

36:07

and stop the pacing, you know.

36:11

Now, how would I, I mean, I was overjoyed.

36:14

I was overjoyed to get that little

36:14

piece of information, which to

36:18

her was, 'oh, I know what that

36:18

is.' And that's what I love.

36:21

People that come together that

36:21

want to improve their lives and

36:25

want to grow and want to expand.

36:28

That's just a unique group

36:28

of kindred spirits and they

36:32

just reinforce each other. And that little bit

36:34

of advice or that little bit like I,

36:36

I think, well, as you said, we could

36:36

talk all day, so I'll finish on this

36:39

one, but somebody once said like, I'd

36:39

love an introduction to this person.

36:43

Like, I wonder how I get to know them. And somebody else was like, 'oh,

36:45

well I actually know their cousin.'

36:48

So I think sometimes too that the

36:48

musing and the serendipity that happens

36:52

when we just give voice to something. Whereas when we get in our heads as over

36:54

givers or people pleasers or overthinkers,

36:58

we just draw out something for ages.

37:00

And as you said, you just mentioned

37:00

something and someone's like, I know.

37:03

So I think that that is

37:03

the power of, of community.

37:06

And you do walk away

37:06

feeling good and that's, that's good.

37:10

I like to bottle that

37:10

and just keep that going.

37:12

So, okay, Suzanne.

37:14

I love talking with you and I'm just

37:14

reminding everybody that on your, on the

37:20

podcast page, all your, all your info

37:20

is there and subscribe if they wish to

37:26

a variety of places and learn more about

37:26

you and your, your course sounds terrific.

37:32

Thank you so much.

37:33

Yeah. And your book sounds terrific too.

37:36

So. It's been a place.

37:37

You send me your address, I'll, I'll post you a copy of my book if you like.

37:40

Oh, that's nice. Thanks. That's so nice of you.

37:43

But thank you so much, Suzanne Culberg.

37:45

I, I wish you a lot of luck and joy

37:45

and good health for you and your

37:49

family and for continue touching all

37:49

the people that you are touching.

37:57

Thank you so much. This has been a pleasure.

37:59

Yes.