0:00

We didn't get lucky for

0:02

someone to be attracted to us. If

0:04

someone's attracted to you, there's

0:06

been because there's something attractive about

0:09

me. I

0:29

was coaching a woman in my love life coaching

0:31

group recently who told me, Matthew, I

0:33

always date avoidance. These people

0:35

just break my heart every time.

0:37

They don't want a relationship. They make up

0:39

excuses as to why they can't have

0:41

one. So I wanna talk about what it

0:44

is. That was going on with

0:46

this person and see

0:48

if you can relate. If you

0:50

know that you keep going for the kinds

0:52

of people that ultimately break your

0:54

heart. This

0:59

is a woman who had talked about having

1:01

done this many times I

1:03

have a pattern of going

1:05

for people who are avoidant and

1:08

who eventually hurt

1:10

me. Now, avoidan is a word that

1:12

is used often in attachment theory,

1:14

the idea of an avoidan being

1:17

someone who is potentially

1:20

afraid of commitment or even commitment phobic.

1:22

It could be characterized by someone who is

1:24

easily suffocated or finds

1:27

that they have a need for space that

1:29

people who are anxiously attached don't.

1:31

It can also be a kind of person that often

1:33

finds rash finalizations for

1:35

why they can't be

1:37

intimate or have a relationship. Now,

1:39

of course, there's a whole spectrum of avoidance

1:41

and not every avoidance is incapable of

1:43

a relationship. Many people are in relationships

1:46

with avoidance, even successful ones.

1:48

But there is a kind of avoidant

1:50

person. Who will willingly

1:53

waste your time and becomes

1:56

a very dangerous person in

1:58

your life, not just for time but for your

2:00

heart too. When she told me her story,

2:02

she said that a typical line

2:04

she gets from guys is you're

2:07

too good for me. And I

2:09

I suppose we should start by saying that anyone

2:11

who says you're too good for me.

2:13

That's like guy language for

2:15

I feel guilty because I know

2:17

I'm stringing you along. And I

2:19

know it's gonna hurt you and I know

2:22

that our goals are different and I'm being

2:24

willfully ignorant of that and

2:26

I'm gonna continue to try

2:28

to see you and use you for my own

2:30

ends even though I know this is gonna hurt

2:32

you. I feel guilty about that. So I'm

2:34

gonna say you're too good for me

2:36

because it's somehow makes me

2:38

look like the wounded soldier in all

2:40

of this and that's a sympathetic role

2:42

to play rather than the perpetrator

2:45

of your pain. You're

2:47

too good for me. That's that rationalization,

2:50

isn't it? I can't be deeply

2:53

connected to you. I can't really commit

2:55

to you because you're too

2:57

good for me. Often what you'll find by the

2:59

way with avoidance is that the rationalizations

3:02

they use for why they can't be too close

3:04

or why they can't commit will make them

3:07

seem in some way either heroic

3:09

or sympathetic In other

3:11

words, whatever they say will often make

3:14

them somehow come

3:16

off smelling of roses and you

3:18

more confused than ever.

3:20

In this particular woman's case,

3:22

she was currently engaged in a

3:25

situation with a guy where he said

3:27

to her in a conversation when she tried

3:29

to bring up what it was

3:31

or what they were heading towards. He

3:33

actually said I really

3:35

enjoy the relationship

3:38

that we're having together, but I

3:40

don't wanna talk about the

3:42

relationship we're having together. I don't

3:44

enjoy having conversations about

3:46

it. And that again is like a hallmark,

3:49

avoidant thing to say because

3:51

what you're really saying is I'm enjoying

3:54

what this is giving me. I'm enjoying existing

3:57

in the moment with this thing.

3:59

I'm enjoying using it to meet

4:01

my needs. But

4:03

anytime you talk about what

4:05

this actually is, anytime

4:07

it comes with any form of commitment

4:10

or a vision. For where

4:12

this might be going, which is a perfectly

4:15

reasonable thing to want from somebody.

4:17

I am freaked out. I

4:19

am scared. I don't wanna have that conversation.

4:22

Now, that's fine if someone

4:24

doesn't wanna do that, but what we have to

4:26

ask ourselves is if I

4:28

am someone who

4:30

wants to meet someone who

4:32

is a teammate with

4:34

me who has a vision

4:36

with me. It feels like we're on a mission together.

4:38

It feels like we're excited to build

4:40

together. And those conversations are

4:42

exciting to me. But to this

4:44

person, They're nothing

4:46

but negative. Why is it?

4:48

I am still hanging around

4:51

after a long time. It may be one

4:53

thing if in the very beginning, someone

4:55

is saying that because they're saying, hey,

4:57

I certainly wanna see where this

4:59

is going, but I also wanna make sure we

5:01

go at an organic pace and I'm still

5:03

getting to know you. That's fair enough that if

5:05

you've been seeing someone for many

5:07

months and they're still

5:09

phobic of any conversation about

5:11

what the two of you are or where

5:14

your headed, that is a sign of an

5:16

avoidant. And we have to ask ourselves, why

5:18

is it? I keep entertaining this

5:21

kind of person The thing I like

5:23

saying to people is I don't want

5:25

you to become a

5:27

serious person all of the

5:29

time. Who is constantly trying

5:32

to scope out who's looking for

5:34

something serious and you're grilling

5:36

people with your questions to get to the

5:38

bottom of it and there's no playfulness

5:40

or sense of humor or romance

5:42

in the process. I don't want you

5:44

to become a serious person. I think the

5:46

lighter more playful parts

5:48

of ourselves are some of the most attractive,

5:51

but I do believe that we need to get

5:53

serious about what it is

5:55

we're actually looking for. And if

5:57

we know that what's important

5:59

to us right now is to find

6:01

a meaningful committed relationship.

6:04

Then I need to have a really

6:06

strong internal compass that

6:09

either says, yes, this

6:11

person is a green light because I

6:13

can see that they're showing signs,

6:15

they're in the same place as me, or

6:18

this is the wrong way. So

6:20

why is it we keep saying yes to

6:22

avoidance? Firstly, I

6:25

want us to exercise a little

6:27

self compassion if you

6:29

identify with this. The woman that I

6:31

was working with in

6:33

reality, had had four

6:35

or five relationships with

6:37

avoidance. If you actually look at it over

6:39

the context of a lifetime.

6:42

And all of the growth work she had done,

6:44

which she had done a lot, she had come a

6:46

long way, she was self aware, she was

6:48

introspect dive, she had clearly done a

6:50

lot to build her confidence. There was an enormous

6:52

amount for her to be proud of in her

6:54

progress in life. But what she

6:56

saw was I'm forty three and

6:58

the relationships I've had have

7:00

all been relationships with avoidance

7:03

who eventually left me or just

7:05

moved on to somebody else. I am a

7:07

failure. And there's something

7:09

wrong with me. I must be broken in some way

7:11

because I keep repeating this. The

7:13

thing I said to her is you didn't

7:15

make a mistake every night.

7:17

You've not been going out and making a mistake

7:19

on every date you go on. And

7:21

you're just making a thousand mistakes over the

7:23

course of your lifetime. When you really look at

7:25

these relationships you've had, they amount

7:27

to four or five mistakes

7:30

that cost a lot of time and

7:32

energy. And I say that because I think

7:34

sometimes we overstate when someone

7:36

says, I always do this. When

7:38

I really look at it for a lot of people,

7:40

we're not talking about that many instances.

7:42

We're not saying they had a hundred relationships and

7:45

every single one of them was like this. We're

7:47

talking about a small

7:49

number of relationships that had

7:51

an outsized impact on

7:53

their life that created a

7:55

dis proportionate amount of pain. And

7:57

when relationships like that do

7:59

create that much pain, they imprint

8:01

on us in a way that makes us feel

8:04

like our whole dating life,

8:06

our whole mission to find love has been

8:08

a global failure that

8:10

we are a failure. Instead of actually

8:13

seeing it like, you know what, if this was a scientific

8:15

study, this wouldn't be that much data.

8:18

This would be a very small

8:20

data set. So we should exercise compassion

8:23

towards ourselves. If you identify

8:25

with continually picking the wrong

8:27

people Take a moment right now to just

8:29

acknowledge how far

8:31

you've come. Maybe there are instances

8:33

where you feel like you're continuing to

8:35

make some those same mistakes. Maybe you feel like

8:37

you're still drawn to some of those things

8:39

that aren't good for you. But where

8:41

have you made progress. What standards

8:44

of yours have

8:46

increased? What self awareness

8:48

have you gained in recent

8:50

years? That means you are a different

8:52

person than you were

8:54

five years ago or even a year ago.

8:56

But about ten years ago, this is really

8:58

important because the story

9:00

we have that I am

9:03

this person who does

9:05

this creates this identity.

9:07

There is this constant

9:09

identity we're just saddled

9:11

with. Instead of saying, no, no,

9:13

no, all of this is operating on a

9:15

continuum. If I've been consistently growing

9:18

at some times maybe in undetectable

9:20

ways, sometimes only by half a

9:22

percent or one percent. That's

9:24

still growth. And every one

9:26

percent shift I get towards a a

9:28

higher standard for myself or

9:30

what treatment I will allow or more

9:32

self awareness of my path patterns

9:34

or more awareness of what's wrong

9:36

when other people do it. Every

9:38

one percent shift is getting me

9:41

closer to a point where my behaviors,

9:43

my actions, and what I

9:45

accept will change.

9:47

So take a moment even if

9:49

you don't see the results of your love

9:51

life having changed. Take a moment to

9:53

exercise gratitude and compassion

9:55

towards yourself for how

9:57

far you have actually moved.

9:59

In terms of progress along that continuum.

10:02

The next thing I wanna say is this, I

10:04

want you to ask yourself, why

10:06

is it? I keep going for these

10:08

kinds of people that demonstrate

10:12

often very early on

10:14

that they don't want what

10:16

I want. Why is we go

10:18

for people? Where the goals are

10:21

completely misaligned? Now

10:23

often, people will cite chemistry.

10:26

Connection, we had something really

10:28

special. When we spend time together,

10:30

it just it feels amazing. We

10:32

have a really good thing. Everything

10:34

is there. People often say things like

10:36

that to me. It's all there. Everything

10:38

that should be there is

10:40

there. But for this one, tiny,

10:43

pesky detail that they

10:45

don't actually want to be with

10:47

me. We talk about that as if it's a

10:49

detail when that's

10:52

actually the story. The story is

10:54

in all of these ways that we

10:56

align and all of the great conversation we

10:58

have and all of the great chemistry we have. The

11:00

real story is, this person

11:03

is not in a place where

11:05

they can give me what I

11:07

want. They do not want for

11:09

themselves a

11:11

relationship. So right now, in

11:13

this person's current form, this

11:15

is a nonstarter, but

11:17

why do we keep doing this? Why do

11:19

we give someone like this more time

11:21

and energy? And I believe at the heart of

11:23

this for so many people, is

11:25

this embedded fear that sort

11:27

of derived from a deep sense

11:29

of insecurity and scarcity. This

11:32

attention I'm getting is

11:34

valuable. It's sacred.

11:37

It doesn't come along very often.

11:39

And I don't know.

11:41

When it's gonna come around again

11:43

if I let go of this.

11:45

And this is especially true if we've

11:47

been single for some time. And if

11:49

we haven't felt any attention in a

11:51

while, especially you may have felt attention

11:53

from people you don't want, but you haven't felt

11:55

any attention from someone where you feel like the

11:57

attraction is mutual. And from

11:59

that place, you look

12:01

at this thing and you go, I can't let this

12:03

go. Yes. There's

12:05

that one detail that

12:08

they don't actually seem to want a relationship

12:10

with me. But the real

12:12

story is that I have

12:14

finally found someone with whom

12:16

I have a connection with whom I

12:18

have chemistry, where the conversation

12:21

flows, where it feels like

12:23

real attraction. And I don't wanna let

12:25

that go because who knows

12:27

when someone will want me again in

12:29

this way? And especially if it's someone I'm

12:31

attracted to in return. I want to get

12:33

something clear because this

12:35

all comes from this real

12:37

sense of scarcity I can't

12:39

afford to lose this

12:41

thing. What we fail to recognize

12:43

when we're in that mindset

12:45

is that we didn't

12:47

get lucky for

12:50

someone to be attracted to us. If

12:52

someone's attracted to you, That's

12:54

because there's something attractive about

12:57

you. There's something about you

12:59

that was compelling or

13:01

sexy or fun. Or great

13:03

to be around. You see, when this woman told

13:05

me that, you know, this avoidant

13:07

guy said to her, I I love

13:09

being around you. I really enjoy

13:11

your company. I really enjoy

13:13

seeing you. I'll miss you if we stop

13:15

seeing each other. I just I

13:17

just don't wanna be with

13:19

you in a relationship. I don't think he

13:21

was lying. About those

13:23

other things. I think he's telling the truth, but

13:25

he's also telling the truth when he says, I don't

13:27

want a relationship. The reason

13:29

that that's important is

13:31

because all of those things that he's

13:33

attracted to in her, she's

13:35

responsible for those. He's

13:37

not. He's just seeing someone who has active

13:40

qualities and he's drawn to that.

13:42

So she's not lucky. If

13:44

there's someone who wants to spend time

13:46

with you, who enjoys being around you,

13:48

who finds you attract who enjoys

13:50

your company who wants to talk to you

13:52

for hours on end. You didn't get

13:54

lucky. You're great. There

13:56

are wonderful things about you. There

13:58

are attractive things about you. And if that

14:00

person found you great, and if the

14:02

last three people you date had found

14:04

you attractive, or found that there was

14:06

something compelling about you, then that

14:08

means thousands of

14:11

people will feel that way. Those

14:13

are just the four you met. Those were

14:15

just the four that you happen to have that

14:17

moment with, that you happen to date.

14:19

Many, many more people can

14:21

feel that way about you. We have

14:23

to stop being in this mindset

14:26

that we won the lottery,

14:28

that someone found us and

14:30

is attracted to No. The

14:32

reality is many

14:34

people will be attracted to

14:36

us. What we have to do

14:38

is free ourselves up to

14:40

find the people who are attracted

14:42

to us, who are actually

14:44

worthy of what we're

14:46

willing to give Now if I gave you three hundred

14:48

thousand people, let's say two

14:50

hundred thousand of them are avoidance who are

14:52

gonna make your life miserable. That leaves a

14:54

hundred thousand. Of those, there'll be

14:56

seventy thousand that are just wrong for

14:58

you or you're not really attracted to at all.

15:00

That leaves thirty thousand. Let's say twenty

15:02

thousand of them you're kind of attracted

15:04

to, but on the fence about. And ten

15:06

thousand of them you're really

15:08

attracted to and they'd also be great for a

15:10

relationship. That's your poll. Now

15:12

the point is in order

15:14

to meet one of those ten thousand,

15:17

you can't be preoccupied with

15:19

one of the other two hundred and ninety

15:21

thousand. Because those people who are right

15:23

for you cannot find you when you're hung

15:25

up on somebody else. They cannot find

15:27

you when there's no space in your life. They

15:29

cannot find you when you're

15:31

two anxious and torn up

15:33

and in pain over somebody

15:36

who is consistently breaking

15:38

your heart in small ways. They can't

15:40

even make eye contact with you.

15:42

If your head is down in your

15:44

phone texting someone who's a dead

15:46

end, you will find the right

15:48

person sooner if you form the habit of

15:50

saying no to the wrong people

15:52

more quickly. The reason we don't

15:54

say no to the wrong people is because

15:56

there is some part of us that thinks that the

15:58

right people are scarce, not that the

16:00

person we're entertaining could possibly be the

16:02

right person anyway, but we're also

16:04

afraid of time. That we're in a rush, that

16:06

we're running out of time, that we have to make

16:08

something happen now. And if I've got someone

16:10

that I have chemistry with and connection with,

16:12

then we have great conversation, and there's a track I

16:14

should just go for it. I should just try to

16:16

make this work. And so we try to force

16:18

something that is only gonna hurt us. And

16:21

most importantly in some ways, it's

16:23

gonna waste incredible amounts

16:25

of our time. And it's it's

16:27

such an irony to it because time

16:29

is the thing that we're scared of. We're we're

16:32

lonely. We wanna meet someone and we're

16:34

afraid that the whole

16:36

time we're feeling lonely and have that

16:38

ignoring feeling of wanna

16:40

meet someone I've got no one to share my life with.

16:42

We're worried about time running out.

16:44

The great irony is that time

16:46

runs out a hundred times

16:48

faster for people who say yes to the wrong

16:50

people. The thing that we should be

16:52

panicked about is not running out of time

16:54

being single, but running out of

16:56

time saying yes to people who

16:58

are all too willing to waste it.

17:00

Being patient, saying no to the wrong

17:02

people so that you can say yes to the

17:04

right people, that spans your

17:07

time. That gives you time. The

17:09

danger, the thing that makes

17:11

your time, your life collapse in on

17:13

itself another six

17:15

month. Painful relationship. There goes

17:17

a two year painful relationship. Here's another

17:19

three year or a four year or a five

17:22

year who was never serious. When

17:24

you start adding those up, those are the

17:26

time killers. Remember, you

17:28

have time. You didn't get Hussey.

17:31

That someone wanted you. You

17:33

are someone people will want

17:36

and you will find the right person

17:38

sooner if you say no to the

17:40

wrong person. Quicker. Before

17:42

you go, if you

17:44

are serious about no longer

17:47

stagnating in your love life, if when

17:49

you meet someone that you like, you

17:51

want it to actually go

17:53

somewhere. Go pick up a copy of the

17:55

momentum texts. It is all

17:57

about how to get momentum. In

17:59

your dating life instead of stalling with

18:02

time wasters. By the way,

18:04

it's seven dollars. So you don't have to think

18:06

too hard about it. Go

18:08

check it out momentum texts dot

18:10

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