0:00

This is a story

0:00

that he and I are still friends.

0:03

But anyway, Simon. Simon was a British fellow.

0:07

I was involved with. He was a good deal older than I was.

0:10

This was a long time ago. And I remember he he'd had some serious

0:11

stuff, go through his life and we were

0:16

kind of doing this cross ocean thing.

0:19

I've done that. It's like, it's silly, but you know,

0:21

I was in my twenties, but He sent me

0:27

this postcard, like they're always

0:27

a holiday the year he was on holiday

0:32

and some cycling trip and he writes

0:32

me like, I'm in such a bad state.

0:37

It's best you forget about me. And I remember reading the card

0:39

and being like, okay, I'm just

0:44

going to listen and let this go. And then we were, I was in the

0:46

city and I think he was in town.

0:48

I knew he was in town for

0:48

an extended period of time.

0:51

We're walking by each other and I just

0:51

kept walking and he was mortified.

0:54

He called me like 10 times,

0:54

like, how can you ignore me?

0:58

And I was like, because you told

0:58

me it was best to forget about it.

1:01

So I did never done it.

1:05

I just listened because sometimes it's

1:05

kind of like, you just have to go, okay.

1:10

And see what happens really. If someone, if you can't choose yourself,

1:11

like if you can't choose someone else, the

1:15

way you can't choose yourself, which is

1:15

really, it's a hard thing to commit to.

1:20

It's a hard decision to make. It's not an easy place.

1:23

I think you have to be rock bottom. To know what choosing yourself is to

1:24

know what it is to choose someone else

1:29

to like really have a committed thing

1:29

where you're not wavering and waffling.

1:33

And I don't think that's simple to me.

1:37

It should be simple, but I'm very, I can

1:37

be very blunt going through a ton of shit.

1:44

Yeah. To get here. So yeah, that's how I, you know,

1:46

what it is to choose yourself.

1:52

So for you, when you choose someone

1:52

you're ready, you're like that.

1:56

I choose you, but most people are

1:56

not living like that in my opinion.

2:03

No, it's true. I mean, what I hear in the rooms

2:05

and in circles and just listening to

2:10

people is just a constant victim story.

2:13

With a little bit of a

2:13

different outfit on over it.

2:17

And I know I had one, you know, before you

2:17

hit rock bottom, I think you don't know.

2:21

You're even telling a victim story. Yeah.

2:24

And then I think if you

2:24

really go through the ringer,

2:28

was your ever physical,

2:28

your sort of rock bottom.

2:30

Did you ever have like a physical? I don't remember if you told me

2:32

like where your body wouldn't

2:34

do, what you wanted it to do. I had a complete my body

2:36

just like fell apart.

2:39

I had a, my L four L five, like

2:39

exploded when I was 22 years old.

2:45

And then. It did the same thing again, seven

2:46

years later, but don't forget.

2:53

I actually, if I told you that though,

2:53

I've written about it didn't yeah, I

2:58

don't think I did, but then I think

2:58

replicates the emotional breakdown

3:04

or the emotional breakdown rapid

3:04

replicates the body's breakdown.

3:07

They're the same. Yes. And I developed a lot of

3:10

like chronic pain from that.

3:14

Just, I think it was the toxic stress,

3:14

you know, I still have stuff, but

3:21

it's not like psychologically it,

3:21

I handle it differently, you know?

3:28

It's like, Oh yeah, you're in pain. And I don't beat myself up for

3:30

needing to take a break and I

3:33

also don't stay down because I'm

3:33

scared if that makes any sense.

3:38

Yeah. Yeah. You don't just like disappear and you

3:38

still live it decent thing about it.

3:42

Yeah. It's different. Yeah. Yeah.

3:45

This is one of the things I sort

3:45

of realizing is that the people I

3:48

know that fragment themselves the

3:48

most are the most in physical pain.

3:52

Yeah. And that part of that cultural phenomena

3:53

of like, like thinking that we only can

4:00

think positive, we can only be positive

4:00

love and light love, and light love,

4:03

and light kindness, kindness, kindness. It's a trap because if you're

4:05

not processing the whole of

4:09

you, which doesn't feel kind, it

4:09

doesn't feel the loving and has.

4:13

Demand of children inside of you and the

4:13

darkness of a dark child inside of you.

4:18

Like all these different aspects. I think of it as like the wants to

4:20

destroy everything like a little demon

4:24

child that just wants to break it. If it doesn't get what it wants

4:26

that tantrum that's in us and if you

4:31

haven't fully voiced it and you haven't

4:31

taken it with you, then your love and

4:35

light and kindness is a performance.

4:37

And that's a mask. I would say that's most

4:39

of the people I know. You know, generally speaking, unless

4:42

they're in this community, people I

4:44

know that are really working deeply. Yeah.

4:49

But you know what I mean? Like we all have them. Yeah.

4:53

It kind of, when I've heard and I

4:53

was watching your last video today,

4:57

I'd seen it before, but I wanted to

4:57

kind of refresh your last one and

5:01

the one before that on Instagram. And of course I draw everything back

5:04

to myself because, you know so, but

5:10

that's what I think that's why we

5:10

talk and that's why we tell story and

5:15

we all feel more connected that way. But, I was thinking about

5:16

that in terms of how I would.

5:22

Like Gaslight myself. Right. And be like, yeah, it was

5:23

really hard, but you know what?

5:26

I'm really grateful for how hard it was.

5:30

And it taught me to be this way.

5:32

And like, I lived like that for years

5:32

and I did, I basically gaslighted myself.

5:39

I understand why it wasn't my fault, but

5:44

you're rewarded. In our world by doing, if you do that

5:46

right now, like that's the sense of yeah.

5:51

That's the climate is like, when

5:51

people say, Oh, you turned out

5:54

really well, like, okay, Yeah.

6:00

What does it say? Oh, right.

6:03

Like it's all. Okay. Because it turned out. Okay. Yeah.

6:06

Like it made you a better person.

6:08

Probably like I'm like, there was

6:08

probably nothing really wrong with me,

6:13

but, well, that's a very good point.

6:17

And, and I'm going to say, add to that.

6:21

There's an aspect to the work I do,

6:21

where there's a sort of premise that you

6:25

come in, your soul comes into the body.

6:28

Everyone has a different aspect of

6:28

explaining this, how the soul comes

6:32

into the body and why it picks that

6:32

body and that life, if you take full

6:37

responsibility, if that's your premise,

6:37

if that's the framework, but there's a

6:41

tons of ways to look at this, but in the

6:41

framework, I'm sort of using the one that

6:45

agrees with me the most is we choose this.

6:50

It's an IF who knows who, who knows,

6:50

but if the soul chooses this experience,

6:58

then there's two things we're

6:58

talking about the soul's journey

7:01

and then the environment it's in. And that has variables, right?

7:05

The environment always has variables. But the soul comes in in the, in

7:08

the framework I'm sort of using.

7:12

With lessons to learn already. So from the past life that it

7:15

didn't quite finish learning.

7:21

And I feel that in my body that I had

7:21

things to learn and I can't, I'm sort

7:27

of surprised it took me this long

7:27

to get to where I am today because

7:31

I wouldn't, I didn't, I ignored it. I heard the call so many times that

7:33

I was meant to sort of learn some

7:37

stuff and I ignored it so many times.

7:42

But my, I definitely feel like my soul

7:42

came in with stuff to learn already

7:47

and pick these parents to learn it

7:47

a little more and then projected out

7:50

onto them more stuff I needed to learn.

7:52

And I continue to do that. And that's kind of,

7:56

yeah, I know who knows.

7:58

And that's the explanation I'd

7:58

give myself because it feels right.

8:01

But there's this other thing I just want

8:01

to mention really quick, which is that.

8:05

The soul. One of the things I read recently, so

8:06

the, the way that Freud and Wilhelm Reich.

8:12

Sort of had this system of looking at

8:12

the evolution from zero to six years old.

8:16

So this is psychotherapeutic

8:16

looking at phases of development.

8:21

And the premise is that the

8:21

soul comes into the body.

8:24

And that that's a struggle

8:24

because soul energy, spirit

8:27

energy is so different than human. Energy.

8:32

And so the, the spirit has to transform

8:32

in order to adapt to the human body

8:36

while it's in the womb of the mother. And depending on that mother,

8:38

depending on her chemistry, depending

8:41

on the soul that's coming in,

8:41

that can be the most terrifying

8:46

thing for that soul to encounter. And you could come in with that terror.

8:51

There are souls that come in with

8:51

a mother who didn't want them or

8:54

a mother who's being abused, or

8:54

a mother is abusing yourself and.

8:58

You could come in already just from zero

8:58

to being boring with terror, very much

9:05

at the forefront of your psyche, which is

9:05

one way of looking at why do people come

9:10

out a certain way and no, we don't know.

9:13

Yeah. There's this one way to

9:14

sort of explain it anyway.

9:17

So interesting. A little of this. I like to look at generational stuff too.

9:23

I'm very. Curious about, and, and, and the

9:25

mind of the heart, there's more

9:29

research around like the heart

9:29

has memory, that kind of thing.

9:33

And also the generational stuff.

9:35

Sometimes I wonder if that feeling

9:35

of a past life, because I don't know.

9:39

Sometimes I wonder if that isn't

9:39

like our ancestors, you know,

9:45

like I feel it like timelines.

9:49

That's how I been feeling it lately. Yeah. Like that they're all happening.

9:53

At the same time, I started feeling this

9:53

about three years ago, I had a sort of

9:57

lightning bolt experience from shaking

9:57

someone's hand and it kind of, it changed

10:02

my life in this way that I can't explain. I felt like all the timelines went

10:04

and present was past and past present

10:09

and things I didn't imagine were also

10:09

happening at the same time as it's

10:13

not drug induced, which is crazy. And suddenly.

10:18

All of that hearing timelines collapsing.

10:21

I would never have understood that

10:21

before, but having that experience of

10:25

feeling like I knew someone for many

10:25

years, having never met them before,

10:30

but having had like weird intersections

10:30

with them in my mind in the past.

10:34

And it just was like mind blowing,

10:34

like what, you know, I don't know.

10:42

We don't know. There's lots of, there's

10:43

lots of Carl Sagan type.

10:47

Science I'm talking about.

10:51

It would only make sense that

10:51

there are other things going

10:55

on besides what we know. Yeah.

10:58

Yeah. It's super, it's super

11:01

psychologically interesting.

11:04

I recently read a book by a guy

11:04

and I don't agree with everything

11:07

he says, but all of his therapy

11:07

is based on the stories that we're

11:12

telling ourselves from our ancestors. It's called it.

11:14

Didn't start with you. I forgot who it's by, but he,

11:16

that it didn't start with you.

11:26

A lot of like people's phobias and

11:26

fears and even predispositions to like

11:31

overeat or whatever he believes all.

11:35

Maybe not all of, all of them,

11:35

but much of, much of it starts

11:40

prior to us within our ancestry.

11:46

Well, now, scientifically, that would be true. I mean, there are countries in that

11:48

how we know about the eggs and are.

11:51

The engg that is you, this was being

11:51

developed in your great, you know, like in

11:55

your grandma when your grandma was in your

11:55

great grandma, do you know what I mean?

11:59

Like you was just it's there.

12:03

Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of other science on that

12:04

and the way that heart has memory,

12:08

it makes sense to me that a story

12:08

that was being told or something that

12:13

someone lived through before I was even

12:13

thought of is a story that lives in me.

12:20

That I'm living out in some way.

12:24

And so this is what he tries to get

12:24

to is like, he tries to dig into

12:28

people's pasts and an old stories

12:28

from the past, down in their families.

12:32

And like, people are discovering that

12:32

they are actually living out things

12:36

that are stories and their family, and

12:36

they, he gets them to like, do healing,

12:41

work through either talking to that

12:41

relative and like, not literally, but.

12:49

Imagining talking to them,

12:49

telling them that they're okay.

12:53

Yeah. It's not like, you know, supernatural.

12:56

No, but it's, it is right. He's having people connect to other

12:57

timelines in their own psyche.

13:06

I liked that, but I was thinking about the

13:06

shadow, like stuff you're talking about.

13:15

Yeah. And it's, I love this because there is

13:15

such a push to like be super positive and

13:22

it works on anyone I would for sure.

13:25

Want to. Neat know them.

13:27

Yeah. I've never seen it work on any, so

13:28

they have a lot of physical problems

13:34

and they had a lot of emotional

13:34

problems and you deny your ego.

13:38

You could lose your mind. It's true.

13:41

So I kind of want to explore, I want

13:41

to hear you talk about all this stuff.

13:45

A couple of things running through my mind. What will you say to the

13:47

people who fear like.

13:50

Someone who's going to go with like

13:50

completely negative all the time.

13:52

Cause we've all encountered those people. Right. Who just are never happy with

13:54

anything and complaining also.

14:01

What do you consider shadow? Like I'd love to have you explain that.

14:07

I could say what it is to me, but I want to hear what it is. So what else and how

14:09

that plays into healing?

14:14

What does it look like towork

14:14

through it or accept it?

14:19

Whatever, because I think especially for

14:19

my audience there's this danger of, of,

14:25

of feeling like you're playing the victim.

14:27

So I think people go one of two ways

14:27

when there's a fear of that there's

14:31

super angry all the time and just

14:31

pissed off and they live in that state.

14:38

Continuously where they hang on to their

14:38

rage and anger, which I don't know.

14:44

It doesn't happen like that though. I mean, I could see why someone

14:46

would be afraid of it if they hadn't walked through it.

14:49

Yeah. It, it just looks like that. I guess they haven't

14:52

processed their actions.

14:54

Victim mindset maybe is more

14:54

what I'm thinking of, like what

14:58

the victimized that only lives. If you have not processed.

15:01

Your actual victim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm yeah.

15:04

So I want to hear, you've probably

15:04

got so many thoughts on all this.

15:07

No, just the victim thing is

15:07

really, it's really interesting

15:10

because everyone's afraid of

15:10

looking like a victim these days.

15:14

Well, that goes to not wanting to be

15:14

vulnerable and not in thinking that

15:18

so if you're in a situation presently

15:18

like a victim, I'm going to go, I'll

15:21

go back to your first question is the

15:21

victim thing is pretty interesting.

15:25

Yeah. I know a couple of people

15:26

who are perpetually victims.

15:29

I also have that part of myself that can

15:29

see a situation like a victim would that

15:35

I've seen repeated a bunch of times. And I was a victim of some stuff, you

15:36

know, as a child, but when you start to,

15:41

okay, so if I'm in the present moment, And

15:41

I see some victim shit happening to me and

15:46

I feel victimized and I say it out loud.

15:50

How shitty it feels,

15:50

how angry I am about it.

15:53

Why the fuck are they doing that? And I start to maybe with the help of

15:54

a trusted person witnessed myself in

16:02

the victim story, even just saying it

16:02

out loud with a, with a witness, who's

16:07

also bringing a little bit to light. Who says, yes, I hear you, but

16:09

also can bring a little to light.

16:12

What's what might be happening

16:12

with some perspective.

16:17

You also, even if they didn't give you

16:17

the perspective, even just saying it

16:22

can move energy, then you're talking.

16:25

I mean, there is a very, if you don't have

16:25

a good therapist, you don't have a good

16:29

witness and you don't have someone saying.

16:32

Challenging you in that moment to

16:32

also take responsibility for your

16:35

part in the victim hood, right? If you have nobody giving you that

16:37

perspective, then the movement of

16:40

energy could just be negative pleasure. But if you actually get to move it to

16:43

the point of, self-responsibility like

16:46

just the little piece, that's your,

16:46

you brought yourself there, you asked

16:51

for something in that relationship. I'm not, we're not talking about rape

16:53

or anything, but you know what I mean?

16:57

And even there, you know, you can go

16:57

really deep with self-responsibility.

17:00

I'll talk about that in a second, but if

17:00

someone can just give you the perspective

17:04

of the little bit of self-responsibility

17:04

you have in your own victim hood,

17:09

even in just how you're seeing the

17:09

story, then energy moves through you.

17:13

You don't want to keep telling this story

17:13

over and over again and victimize others

17:17

and be that black cloud that I know.

17:20

I know who you're talking about. I know a couple of people like that, where

17:21

their victim story is like an addiction.

17:26

Yeah, but it's an addiction because

17:26

they never seen in that structure, how

17:31

they're responsible for themselves. No one's ever helped them and

17:33

they are unable to see it.

17:37

So it's a it's an addiction,

17:37

it's a vicious cycle.

17:41

They just keep going back into the

17:41

victim story, victim story, victim story.

17:44

And you're like, Oh my God, take a breath.

17:47

Like I can't even sit next to you. You know, people are like that.

17:50

It's really hard to be around them. I call it black cloud.

17:54

Black labs. Yeah.

17:56

I think I'm thinking of that. I'm going to interrupt you.

18:00

Because in my circles, I run into

18:00

people who are advocates, right?

18:04

They're speaking out. They tell their story because.

18:08

People can relate to it. And it's a way for people to be

18:09

like, yes, that happened to me.

18:12

I want to do something about it. How did you do something about it?

18:15

Maybe I can do that too. That kind of a thing.

18:18

And there are people who

18:18

will look at, for example.

18:21

Yeah. And there are people who will look

18:21

at that and be like, shut up already.

18:24

Like we know, do you know, like because

18:24

you're saying, okay, so for example,

18:30

I have talked about abuse in the

18:30

Christian Church, like spiritual abuse.

18:35

Because people use

18:35

religion to control people.

18:40

There are groups of people who will be

18:40

like, stop blaming the church for all

18:43

your problems, which isn't what I'm

18:43

doing, I'm stating what's happened.

18:47

Right. So that anyone else can recognize

18:47

if it might be happening to them.

18:52

Yes. But people don't like the truth

18:52

being spoken, like, because it makes

18:57

their life really inconvenient. Like it makes them.

19:00

Facing that truth is

19:00

really inconvenient, right?

19:03

On each individual level, they would have

19:03

to recognize that truth in themselves.

19:07

Yeah. That lie. Yeah.

19:10

So then there's actually telling

19:10

your story and then there's like

19:14

actually living the victim story. So what is the, what is living the victim?

19:18

What's an example of like what

19:18

living story looks, hold on to

19:21

that question for one second. The thing is, is that your job is

19:23

to understand and have a little

19:27

compassion that your truth triggers

19:27

people who are living a lie.

19:32

Yeah. Yeah. And just to like, be like, okay, I can

19:33

totally see how hard that would be.

19:37

Yeah. Because I had a really big

19:37

wake up moment and it was hard.

19:40

It was, it was a rendering

19:40

like was what do you call it?

19:44

Just a different R word. It was like revelation.

19:48

Yeah, no, there was a movie reckoning.

19:50

It was a reckoning of me

19:50

and myself like, Oh okay.

19:55

So, so it's not, is it to have a

19:55

little compassion for that in you

19:58

and that, and other people that

19:58

they're going to defend themselves?

20:00

That's that's, that's their job. Okay.

20:03

So what did you say? What was the question?

20:07

I lost it. Yeah. I guess I have a very specific, like,

20:09

it looks a certain way in my head

20:12

and I don't know if I'm communicating

20:12

it well, what's the difference.

20:16

Right. So what's the difference. And what does it look like when

20:17

someone's playing out that victim?

20:22

The only thing that when you're

20:22

playing it out is you're not listening

20:24

to the person who's hearing you and

20:24

trying to help you shift the victim.

20:29

I've had experiences with people who have

20:29

a black cloud energy in healing situations

20:35

and what that energy feels like in a

20:35

lot of people do this to lesser degrees.

20:39

It looks like this I'm a victim.

20:41

My story is so awful. And you say, well, okay, I hear you.

20:46

Maybe you could look at it like

20:46

this and they go, no, no, no, no.

20:49

My story is so awful. And you say.

20:52

Yeah, it is fucking awful. Yeah.

20:55

And there's an aspect that you

20:55

could take response, you know,

20:58

and they say, no, no, no, no. Right. That is what keeps you in the victim

21:00

story is you can't even hear the person

21:06

who loves you, giving you feedback.

21:10

And I, I noticed my

21:10

therapist doing this with me.

21:13

Well, he just goes with me and

21:13

I'm like, why is he agreeing

21:16

with me on all this shit? Cause you know, me being heard in that

21:17

place, in the place of the victim and the

21:21

place of the child brings me to go, okay,

21:21

now what else are we going to talk about?

21:26

Like you have to say it and be heard. And so here's the other thing

21:29

is that you, as a witness,

21:31

can't be like, I know, I know. I know. Let me, let me tell you what to do.

21:34

Let me fix you. That's not a good friend and that's

21:36

not a good witness of a victim.

21:42

I think a good way to help a victim

21:42

who's in that consistent vicious cycle

21:46

might be to really listen, really

21:46

let them play it out, go with them

21:50

into their victim hood, which sucks. Nobody wants to do that, right?

21:53

Everybody's like, no, no, no, it's fine. Let's bypass that and feel better.

21:57

But like, if you go with them on

21:57

their journey of totally beating

21:59

themselves and just go with them

21:59

and be like, Oh, that sucks.

22:03

Feel it with them. And then say, you know,

22:04

I see a way out of this.

22:09

Let's try this, try this on, you

22:09

know, and just try to be with

22:13

them, actually, literally try

22:13

to hold what they're holding.

22:19

Cause that's camaraderie that, that

22:19

right there, the energy shifts, like

22:23

we're talking about energy and we're

22:23

talking about people that can't

22:25

stop telling themselves a story. Yeah.

22:28

And I do think the work I do physically

22:28

helps cause it is through the body

22:34

that I have more stamina to sit

22:34

with somebody who's in that energy.

22:38

Hmm. I have more stamina to hold more

22:40

breadth of myself in fight or flight.

22:45

I have more breadth of myself, so I can

22:45

sit with somebody in their pain and not

22:51

try to fix them, change them, stop them.

22:54

I can tell a real healer, a real teacher,

22:54

by the way, they listen to you when you're

22:59

in pain or when you say something that

22:59

might trigger them, like their ability

23:10

to hold space for you wherever you're at.

23:14

Very few, most people have limits because

23:14

they don't know themselves that well.

23:18

So most healers therapists

23:18

and Sean, and these kinds of

23:22

people, everyone has limits. Right. But I would say that most people are

23:23

not able to hold each other in their

23:29

pain and in their discomfort and

23:29

their awkwardness and the work I do.

23:33

Performance elevation is about

23:33

you letting yourself feel all

23:37

this discomfort physically. So you begin to get to know

23:38

your own defenses, your own.

23:42

Stop your own limits, extend those

23:42

limits, get to know the breadth of

23:47

yourself, physically pushing through

23:47

fight or flight response to get

23:52

beyond fight or flight response. Then not only can you sit with

23:54

others like that, which is

23:57

what I'm sort of talking about. You can really compete with

23:57

yourself with more patients and

24:00

more like breath, just more like,

24:00

okay, this is where I'm at today.

24:05

You know, just going to be with

24:05

myself, even though I suck today.

24:09

Yeah, no, that's really good. I feel that really hard,

24:11

especially like this last week.

24:13

I tell me, I'm going to tell you because

24:13

I think you can, I think, yeah, so

24:21

I'm the lately I've just been like,

24:21

I, I've never written down my negative

24:26

feelings without also trying to.

24:34

Like give both sides.

24:37

Like I, I try to, you know, so I

24:37

started doing this path of sorts.

24:45

Like it's just, I feel shitty.

24:47

I just feel shitty. Yeah. So I'm getting more

24:49

comfortable with really just.

24:54

And it's, it's private, it's in a

24:54

journal it's like for myself and

24:59

just really like writing down all the

24:59

feelings and letting the emotion kind

25:03

of just like, and I do it, I write with

25:03

a pen and I don't like type it out,

25:07

you know, just cause I, it, something

25:07

feels like it needs to get blocked.

25:12

And I've also noticed unblocked and I

25:12

have noticed that I have this tendency,

25:18

when I come back around to things that

25:18

I've thought I've dealt with, I want to

25:22

be like, why aren't you over the summer?

25:27

That kind of a thing. I think of that.

25:31

Hi. Yeah. I think of that as like my shadow,

25:33

like the feelings that were not

25:38

okay to feel because they made

25:38

other people uncomfortable.

25:43

When you're young, you know, like

25:43

anger, sadness, the, the feelings that

25:48

parents who aren't emotionally capable

25:48

of holding that don't want you to feel.

25:55

And then we learn not to feel that. Or I, yeah, I would say the

25:57

shadow is the part of you that's

26:00

unlooked at, yeah, that works.

26:04

So if you're compensating in that way,

26:04

because your parents don't want you

26:07

to be a certain way, have feelings. And then you go like this new person down,

26:10

or you adjust your behavior, the shadow.

26:16

I, in my opinion, I don't know. Cause I know it's looked at a lot

26:17

of different ways and I'm hearing it

26:21

a lot of different ways right now. I would say it's the aspect

26:22

that hasn't been looked at

26:25

that is, has a sabotage to it.

26:29

It has a darkness there's I think, I think

26:29

every aspect of us has a shadow aspect.

26:37

This is how I see. Because I think when you

26:38

think, I think of it this way.

26:41

Cause I was, I did talk to my mentor

26:41

therapist about this, like all these

26:45

yogis losing their minds and raping people

26:45

and like being power, hungry, crazies.

26:49

They're not just all bad. Right? They're not beautiful lessons.

26:53

Like you'll be budged on. This is a perfect example. He was my Kundalini.

26:57

That was the master of Koons Leni,

26:57

who I followed too to a degree.

27:01

And he apparently had like, Gun smuggling.

27:05

I don't know. He had some seriously dark shit going on.

27:07

And one thing we talked about was like

27:07

that I talked about with Warren was,

27:12

so let's say this aspect of him is,

27:12

is, is the higher self is growing.

27:16

The lower self is also

27:16

growing darkest shadow.

27:19

And if you're not aware that that

27:19

aspect grows as the higher self grows,

27:24

if you're not in check, it does shit

27:24

in secret that the higher self is not

27:29

aware of in a way splinter off more.

27:32

And the goal, hopefully I think, I mean,

27:32

I think this is what I extrapolated from.

27:36

What we talked about was the

27:36

goal is really to just keep

27:39

checking, where am I right now?

27:41

Where's that? Where's that coming from that

27:42

I want to do that you keep the

27:45

ego in check, but the ego isn't

27:45

necessarily shamed or disregarded

27:49

because then it works in secret and

27:49

it does that shit like arms dealing.

27:54

Weird control. And apparently he had corn going,

27:55

this yoga teacher had porn going.

28:00

People would come see him about

28:00

get advice, spiritual advice.

28:03

And he does porn on the TV and lots

28:03

of people sitting around watching it.

28:10

So some part of him had to splinter off

28:10

to think, yeah, It's okay to do this

28:17

because I'm educating people in their

28:17

sexual, whatever, like some part of it.

28:21

I don't think he was mentally ill. I think he really splintered higher self

28:22

was confused with lower self stuff because

28:28

his head herself was teaching great

28:28

yoga that I got that changed my life.

28:33

So I'm going to take that,

28:33

but also look at that.

28:37

Anyone has the ability to, I'm sorry,

28:37

where did, I don't know, we started

28:41

with this, but to not keep in check. The shadow aspect.

28:46

Yeah. Okay. And so I'm relating that to

28:47

like my feelings that I've never

28:50

really been able to like look

28:50

at or, or invite to the party.

28:54

Yeah. Like what if you just let them be?

29:00

I think they're probably

29:00

ego related, which is fine.

29:03

Yeah. Because I think those are some of

29:04

the feelings that keep you alive.

29:07

This is my premise. This is something I'm just making up.

29:09

But I think that the ego. That holds that like the feelings

29:12

that you don't want to talk about,

29:16

because they're not pretty yeah. That you go, okay, I can put them in

29:19

this journal, but you've usually when

29:23

you've talked about them, you have to

29:23

talk about the positive side too, right.

29:26

Those feelings. I'm really starting to look at

29:28

this slightly that, because I

29:32

think it gets into our sexuality. I think it starts to really get,

29:34

because I think if we really

29:37

don't look at our fantasies.

29:40

Dark, whatever, whatever judgments we

29:40

have about them, then we're not fully

29:45

embracing our own sexuality because

29:45

inevitably some of our childhood

29:54

God is going to be in our sex life. Yeah.

29:57

My therapist even said, this I'm

29:57

going to just keep quoting him.

30:00

Cause I'm not making this up. He said that the constellation

30:01

of a family is consistently the

30:04

constellation of the sexual fantasy.

30:09

And I was like, that makes sense. Right.

30:11

But it's hard to know. It was so clear and he's the guy

30:12

sitting with all the, that he's sat

30:15

with way more people than I have. So, and he just like is like, he,

30:16

you could just tell from his eyes,

30:19

like consistent across the board. Wow.

30:22

That the constellation of

30:22

the family dynamic, however,

30:24

the child interpreted it. However that is because

30:25

it could be interpreted. Mine is gonna be different

30:27

than my brothers, even though

30:29

we were in the same family. Right.

30:33

Although there's similarities. I can hear it when he's telling me stuff.

30:35

I'm like, Yeah. There's similarities, but I'm sure

30:37

we're very different in terms of,

30:41

yeah. So interesting.

30:45

So you said what to do about the

30:45

people that are like are so negative

30:52

that they can't get out of it, right? Yeah.

30:55

I think, I, I think it's important to

30:55

make the distinction that we kind of

30:58

were making, like telling your story. Isn't living.

31:03

And your victim story, necessarily many

31:03

people, many people are advocates and

31:09

are working for a cause and are using

31:09

their story because, wow, I didn't know

31:15

if people were shamed for having a story. It's a very different energy to me telling

31:18

your story, to get something to move

31:22

is different than telling your story,

31:22

to get someone to collude with you.

31:25

So you can be more of a victim. Yeah, it's an, it's a weird thing to

31:27

run into because I recently, and it

31:31

was just one person, but I don't know.

31:36

I feel like there's a feeling a little

31:36

bit from that would be an issue.

31:40

You don't talk about your family. How dare you.

31:43

Don't like fate brought that up in you.

31:46

What she said to me, she said that I was

31:46

blaming the church for all my problems.

31:50

Oh, right, right. I was like no, I was literally like

31:53

saying what happens in church and this

32:00

many people experience this and you

32:00

don't have to stay there like, right.

32:06

But I didn't, I don't know why I

32:06

felt the need to defend myself.

32:11

Well, because she was basically

32:11

saying that your story, that it

32:13

didn't, it's an annihilation yeah.

32:17

Of acknowledgement. There's a way people connect annihilate.

32:21

When you're in a place when you're

32:21

telling your story and you're telling your

32:24

story, there's a vulnerability, right? There's a, there is.

32:27

And I could just, the there's like a

32:27

bypass in the Christian Church too.

32:32

There's it happens in every

32:32

organization and every, every way

32:36

of believing basically, because.

32:39

I think those things are formed because

32:39

we're human and we don't, I'm trying

32:43

to make sense of everything really. And it doesn't fit into this

32:44

cute box that looks great.

32:48

And we can show the world and we

32:48

don't know what to do with it.

32:53

And it was just, I could tell what

32:53

I was saying was really bothersome

32:57

to her because I kind of know,

32:57

I just know, I know the circles.

33:02

I know the thinking. I understand it. Cause I've been.

33:05

In close proximity to it is all that

33:05

saying, she says to you, you can't

33:12

blame the church for all your problems. What it says to me is she

33:13

hasn't allowed herself to go

33:17

through owning her complaint. Right.

33:21

And her argument, her argument to me

33:21

was like, basically put it on Jesus'

33:28

shoulders and don't worry about it. Yeah, but you can't do that until you.

33:33

Okay. So here's the thing. We can put it on Jesus's shoulders.

33:36

I don't, I'm not against that. I love Jesus.

33:38

Yeah. And I love the idea of getting

33:40

to a place where you're

33:42

enlightened love with anything. You let it go.

33:44

You give it up to God,

33:44

but it's not the process.

33:47

That's the last part of the process is

33:47

giving it up the voice saying, okay.

33:51

So I would also put these people in

33:51

a physical position, a posture where

33:55

they cannot avoid how they feel. Like anyone talking with that kind

33:57

of an energy, I would put them in

34:00

a physical posture where they can

34:00

fatigue the fight or flight armor.

34:04

And then what happens is

34:04

the energy moves physically.

34:07

And then you can talk about the

34:07

real pain, the real shame, the real

34:12

inability whatever you expressed, you

34:12

know, whatever it is about the church.

34:17

And then from that place of having

34:17

fully voiced yourself, you're

34:22

vibrating at a different frequency. You can actually then give it up

34:24

to God, but it doesn't happen.

34:30

You can't just give it up to God

34:30

down from the base of your spine.

34:33

It doesn't go up to God. God is up there.

34:36

Right? Space masculine, God

34:36

earth down here, goddess.

34:39

Like you could bounce it into the earth,

34:39

maybe with your physical body, but

34:45

he, no, I disagree with myself there.

34:47

You really have to

34:47

physicalize it, move it up.

34:50

Say it, it has to get to the voice. It has to come up through the third eye.

34:54

Through the crown. And then it's like, then it becomes

34:54

a column where you're connecting with

34:58

source and you're connecting with

34:58

source and you're moving and then you

35:01

can give it up to God and say take it. Common to skip steps by the way.

35:05

People love to miss quote and

35:05

misapply scripture all the time.

35:10

So it's, it was just this over

35:10

and over again saying, I can

35:15

do nothing without Christ. Right. So she was basically saying there's

35:17

literally nothing I can do without Christ.

35:21

And. That to me is, is, is what the

35:22

church has become in many ways.

35:29

Like it's where you go right

35:29

off into like, wait a second.

35:32

Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait a second.

35:35

What about you in you?

35:39

It's inside of you though, and

35:39

you're you and you are actually

35:42

separate and you're also one, but

35:42

you're also separate, but wait.

35:47

Yeah. The thing about putting it

35:48

on Jesus, his shoulders. This is another slippery slope

35:50

where you say it's outside of

35:53

you before you've embodied it. Yeah, it doesn't work.

35:58

No, it doesn't work. If I saw everybody being happy with

35:59

that and physically happy, I would say.

36:03

Okay. But what I see when people do that

36:05

is that they're like this, they're

36:08

having a conversation with you

36:08

where they can't even take you in.

36:11

So clearly it's not working. Whatever she's doing my

36:13

sign, that it was working.

36:16

If she was a woman of God, really feeling

36:16

it and processing it and she'd be able

36:19

to listen to you and go, wow, that is so

36:19

great that you're doing that for yourself.

36:23

Tell me more, right.

36:26

And what my mind goes to, anything that

36:26

you're doing is you're going to blame

36:31

it on Christ or give Christ the credit.

36:33

Like anything that you're doing. That is what they do though.

36:36

They say, gee, you know, everything

36:36

is it's because of Jesus that I have.

36:40

Yes. Yeah. Very much that, the question, like

36:41

I was talking about this with a

36:45

friend of ours, a friend of mine. Yeah about surrender.

36:48

And he was saying, when he feels

36:48

surrender, he feels the most.

36:52

Hmm, so this question of like surrender

36:52

and, and the power of surrendering to

36:57

Jesus, putting on Jesus, your shoulders. Yeah. There's a slippery slope of, are

36:59

you denying your own physical body

37:02

and presence in order to do that?

37:05

Or are you acknowledging there's

37:05

God in you and God outside of you?

37:10

And so you can recognize

37:10

how to surrender to God.

37:14

That's how I see it. I just don't know if you can

37:14

surrender without embodiment, right?

37:22

Like, how can you it's so here's,

37:22

here's why it doesn't work.

37:25

Here's why this doesn't work I ust figured it out. So, because I know, I know what works,

37:27

it always comes from the ground up.

37:31

Right. But what doesn't work is anything that

37:31

you put on top of yourself that doesn't

37:35

allow a full expression of you, because

37:35

that is what God wants you to do is to be

37:39

fully you, otherwise you wouldn't be here. With the potential to be fully you as you.

37:46

Yeah. Like why would you be made in you?

37:48

Are you right? God says you should

37:50

deny parts of yourself.

37:52

No, no, no, no, no. God would never, that's

37:53

not God, that's not God.

37:55

As I know it, as I know it, it's, you're,

37:55

you're here meant to be fully expressing

38:02

with yourself, with someone you trust

38:02

with, you know, it turns into love at

38:05

some point, and then you can actually

38:05

connect a source and say, thank you.

38:10

Help me, let this go. Help me surrender to the things I

38:11

cannot control, you know, take it.

38:15

Yeah. But if you're, if you're putting

38:16

it as a mask on yourself and

38:18

skipping steps, you're fragmenting

38:18

yourself and this does cost.

38:21

It causes physical harm to your body.

38:25

And I believe those physical harms

38:25

the lower back pain you had, the

38:28

slipping discs, all that stuff

38:28

is meant to show you as a mirror

38:32

has stopped and look at yourself. Yeah.

38:36

And get it. I think that's what God is doing

38:36

when we deny our own power, making

38:43

us sick was a way to start doing it.

38:46

Yeah. I think the real work.

38:50

Yeah, I think you're right, because I

38:50

was, I've literally been reading journals.

38:55

Okay. So this happened in three

38:55

and at that time I had.

39:01

Tried to break away from my mother,

39:01

like build my own life and this thing

39:07

happened and she, I could see the, I could

39:07

literally see the brainwashing happened.

39:12

Like I was going at 19.

39:15

I wonder if I should have no contact

39:15

with my mother for a while, just to

39:18

like, prove that she doesn't need

39:18

to be in control of everything.

39:21

Two in my journals being broken,

39:21

repentant, saying I was horrible.

39:26

I deserve to be going through this. Mother must think that God loves

39:29

me so much to do this to me.

39:34

And I must be, I must learn to

39:34

be a better daughter to God.

39:37

And to her, this was like filling

39:37

journals for the next seven years.

39:43

I completely dropped any idea of like

39:43

having my own life, my own, whatever.

39:49

This is how powerful

39:49

our parents are to us.

39:51

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, I took it to mean, like I just,

39:52

I spent the next, I don't know, five

39:58

to seven years and just deep prayer and

39:58

like pleading with God to teach me my

40:04

lesson and get me out of that situation.

40:08

I wasn't taking any

40:08

responsibility for myself.

40:13

Granted. But if I had a process of continually

40:14

talking and saying these things

40:19

to yourself and your journal and

40:19

giving it up to God is a process.

40:23

That will help you find yourself for sure.

40:26

Interestingly enough, it did. And by the time, my disc ruptured

40:28

for the second time with all this

40:33

stuff going on, there was a lot going

40:33

on psychologically at this time.

40:38

And my discs don't rupture in a small way. They do really big, like end

40:40

up in emergency a lot down.

40:45

I felt like I was being crushed. Yeah. That's what it sounds like.

40:48

But before I, I, my surgery got put

40:48

on the books and I packed up all my

40:53

things and moved while I had that really

40:53

severely ruptured disc, because I said

40:59

to myself, if I have to recover with

40:59

my mother taking care of me, I might

41:04

not ever get out of this situation. Right, right.

41:08

Yeah. Really weird way.

41:12

Like I can see how. You're you're right.

41:16

Like, I see what you're saying. Like our bodies are showing us

41:17

things a hundred percent and

41:23

nothing was happening in my life. Nothing was moving until I took

41:24

the initiation until I said

41:28

enough until I did something. You know, all those years of

41:31

prayer and just me hoping, I

41:35

don't know that that's a process. That's a process.

41:37

And it's a process that you

41:37

have to get to that point.

41:41

You hit, you have to hit rock bottom. They was me hitting rock bottom.

41:45

You did physically, the body sometimes

41:45

has to be so gone that he can't cheat.

41:52

Yeah. I mean, I didn't leave

41:52

my house for two years. I didn't, you know, it was, it was a lot.

42:00

I totally get I get it. Yeah.

42:03

Yeah. It's an interesting thing. I even think, I even think that that

42:05

injury is like even injuries where we

42:10

get hit by a car or we fall on the ice.

42:14

Or we, I actually have found a, sort

42:14

of a path to thinking that because

42:20

we have weaknesses in the body that

42:20

hold our wounding emotional wounding.

42:24

We're going to injure in those weak

42:24

places, even if it's being hit by a car

42:27

and we're an actual victim of something. I think so too.

42:30

I still think it's important to go

42:30

into those injuries, into the physical

42:33

wounding, into the physical body, not

42:33

in order to become stronger, but to,

42:36

in order to listen, hear what's there

42:36

and then it moves and then we can.

42:44

I think that being flexible is being

42:44

strong because you can just go with the

42:47

punches of life because life is crazy. And especially now, so I think that

42:50

injury has its own way of telling you

42:55

something and a victim would use it to

42:55

tell themselves that they're a victim.

43:00

Until they're hearing themselves

43:00

sound like a victim with a little

43:04

bit of compassion and then they can

43:04

start to go, okay, how can I take a

43:07

little more responsibility for myself? How can I take a look?

43:10

But there are, there is a combination

43:10

of defenses where I go, okay.

43:14

That persons, they might

43:14

never see the light.

43:17

There's a couple it's, it's the,

43:17

it's the wounding at a certain

43:21

age and another point in rigidity

43:21

or they might never see it.

43:27

But. I don't know.

43:29

I think with rock bottom, you never know. I think we all handle it

43:34

differently, but it's a gift.

43:37

Yeah. I know. There's some of the stuff I'm saying is

43:38

a little bit it doesn't go with people's

43:42

victim story and that can be really

43:42

off putting to people and, you know,

43:47

and I do have some stories around this. Like my life had to be a total.

43:53

Shit show over again.

43:56

Like I was miscarrying and on the Eve

43:56

of my fifth miscarriage, the loft that

44:04

I rented out, which I'd been bringing

44:04

tenants into, I used it for rehearsal.

44:08

So it was my workspace, but there were

44:08

three bedrooms and I'd always rented

44:11

it to people legally, but one of them

44:11

had been there for a few years, decided

44:15

to start doing drugs and him and

44:15

his new girlfriend were doing drugs.

44:19

They set the room on fire. And they found a lawyer at some party

44:21

who, when I tried to kick them out,

44:26

they basically got this lawyer who

44:26

was also, I think just some kind of

44:29

crazy dude, but he was actually a

44:29

legit lawyer to Sue me for trying to

44:35

get them to leave for setting the room

44:35

on fire and doing drugs in my loft.

44:38

Like I had total like legit,

44:38

but I was also psychically weak.

44:43

And also I brought in other people at that

44:43

time because I was a psychically weak.

44:47

That were crazy. So there was like, mayhem mayhem,

44:48

when I say mayhem, people suing

44:53

you for no reason, you have no

44:53

money and you're trying to get

44:56

pregnant with any money you have. I was like, I, I don't know how I didn't

44:58

find it there because I mean, I was

45:01

just like, I was like a chicken with my

45:01

head cut off, but like also just like

45:06

on the floor, like I couldn't get, I

45:06

just didn't know what to do with myself.

45:09

And I really white knuckled it.

45:16

I did not do the work until after.

45:21

And it was even after Una was born,

45:21

that the work really started for me.

45:28

It's been a slow process, but it

45:28

was like, I had to hit that point

45:32

where I had nothing and I was

45:32

like, okay, well I have nothing.

45:38

I have no money. I have no kid.

45:42

I don't my career been on, on hold. Cause I'm trying to get

45:44

pregnant and doing all my money. I don't have enough energy for

45:46

work and I just sort of stopped.

45:49

And I was like, all I want is a baby. That's it.

45:52

I just want to meet her. And I connected with her

45:54

and then I got pregnant. Like I just had to really

45:58

start from scratch.

46:01

And I think in a lot of ways she

46:01

healed me, but I don't think that

46:04

I would have ever gotten pregnant

46:04

if I hadn't hit that point where.

46:10

I had nothing. It's just sort of caught me up

46:12

and let me think I was fine.

46:16

I had no, I had no Bronx. Yeah.

46:19

I think what you're saying is it's

46:19

why I kind of struggle with the

46:22

whole, a lot of the self-help stuff.

46:26

Like a lot of the pull yourself

46:26

up by your bootstraps, like change

46:29

your mindset, change your life. Yeah.

46:32

That's true. Change your mindset. Change your life.

46:35

But. Also is that bypassing a lot of stuff.

46:41

A lot of it is just do this, maybe

46:41

stuff from this, do these activities.

46:45

I think a lot of it's about organization

46:45

and you should do stipulate your own

46:48

thoughts to not have the thoughts

46:48

you're having instead of a full, deep

46:53

acknowledgement of having those thoughts

46:53

and why, where are they coming from?

46:56

Exactly. Why are you having them and

46:57

allow yourself to be who you are?

47:01

Yeah. And actually most self-help

47:02

stuff just makes you more

47:05

fragmented and more idealized. Yeah.

47:09

There's a, there's a person talking

47:09

about magnetism, not going to

47:12

name names, but I'm like, it just

47:12

doesn't feel legit because I can't,

47:19

I don't hear any deep work in it. There's some deep work.

47:22

It's very, it's like some of it's a little deep. Some of it, it just

47:23

feels vibrationally like.

47:29

Like a selling point for people. Yeah.

47:31

Instead of a process that is going to

47:31

be a constant relationship, you have

47:35

to yourself just again, like for that.

47:39

Yeah. It's true. I think that's why I feel like I don't,

47:41

I don't know where to fit into the

47:44

whole scheme of things and that's okay. It's just, it's like, The reason I

47:46

do what I do is because I feel like

47:51

it's really important to like, go

47:51

to understand, to dig up to like,

47:57

can't always force everything. You can't always just change your mindset.

48:01

Sometimes you just have to like,

48:01

Be open to whatever the process

48:05

is going to be in that moment. Like, I think our brains in our

48:07

bodies know like what we're ready for.

48:11

They know when you're lying to yourself. I used to say I did a whole video before.

48:15

I don't know if you remember on my old

48:15

page about how mantras don't do anything.

48:19

I think those are bullets. Affirmations are bullshit.

48:23

They're bullshit. When I was trying, there was a moment

48:24

where I was really, I was in this

48:27

like movement of peak potentials.

48:29

It was like financial. Yeah, financial you know,

48:33

shifting, but through like, they

48:36

did a lot of emotional work. It was great stuff. It definitely took me to a different,

48:38

like my money mindset has sucked my

48:41

whole life because I don't, it's just

48:41

a re it's a reflection of other things.

48:47

Yeah. And mine is too, to a degree.

48:49

Yeah. And I'm not sure how to remedy that.

48:52

I don't have the answers, but I'll

48:52

say this all the mantras I was

48:55

saying about financial freedom.

48:58

None of them felt right. Because I wasn't, I didn't believe them.

49:02

And if you, if you really are listening

49:02

to yourself and you don't believe

49:06

the shit, you're telling yourself to

49:06

say to yourself, what is that doing?

49:10

It doesn't reset anything. You're just bossing yourself around.

49:14

You're just manipulating yourself. It just causes like a almost a

49:16

hysteric vibration instead of.

49:22

Being around somebody who's actually

49:22

like feels their pelvic floor and

49:25

feels their feet on the ground and

49:25

is just present and like listening

49:30

to you is the hottest most powerful.

49:35

It's not like tell yourself you're good. I think that just is crazy.

49:41

It's making people

49:41

crazier it's not helping.

49:47

But it's an industry, so it sells

49:47

books, but it's not actually,

49:50

I don't think it's helped. It's an industry and

49:51

there's something to it. There's some, there is something about

49:53

believing, believing that you are good

49:57

enough and you deserve these things. And all that belief comes

49:59

from it comes from you.

50:03

And if it's not, if it is being put on,

50:03

you know, and it is like this propping you

50:08

up, it's all going to come crumbling down.

50:12

And it'll be worse than the second time. That's right.

50:19

Yeah. Gimmicky. And I think on some levels it works

50:20

if you're ready, but I have a, an

50:25

embodiment coach who does Rolfing

50:25

and she's like, yeah, this is

50:29

something that people who are ready. Right.

50:32

Yeah. I love that. That's similar in a way that similar

50:32

energetically to the work I do too.

50:38

I, I see some similarities there.

50:40

I feel lucky to have worked with

50:40

her, but yeah, it's so interesting.

50:47

Yeah. It's amazing. You can see why it's not that

50:49

popular as a massage therapy.

50:52

How's everybody not doing, not

50:52

everyone's like us, but yes,

50:58

it's true healing from that work. Yeah, it really is.

51:02

So it's like, I. Like the affirmations make sense to

51:04

me, but only on this level of like,

51:11

I don't know what I'm trying to say. You have to have processed the feelings

51:12

before you can make a choice to go for me.

51:17

Like I have just fully accepted that. I, you know, all the things about me that

51:23

I think it has to come from

51:23

having acknowledged yourself.

51:26

I do before you say, I'm going to

51:26

choose a positive moment instead

51:30

of a negative one, in order to get

51:30

to the choice you had to have, you

51:33

have to have listened to yourself. You can't just make the choice

51:36

before fully embodying and

51:39

physicalizing that's my mind.

51:42

No, that's true. I think there's so much bypass.

51:45

I think people say I don't

51:45

have a great money mindset.

51:48

These are the things, but

51:48

they don't go deeply into.

51:53

Either why they're believing that, or

51:53

like the deep, the stories that are

51:57

running, running, running, running,

51:57

running their lives and dig it all up.

52:02

I have a story in me that only comes

52:02

up when I give up my power, but the

52:06

only time I really give up my power

52:06

is with really powerful people.

52:09

So it's happened like very few times. And so I haven't even had to look

52:11

at it because I'm so compensated.

52:14

I can kind of get through. And I was pretty successful except in

52:15

these situations where I would give up

52:19

my power and kind of lie on my back. Like you're the master, you're the God.

52:23

And then I would wonder why I was

52:23

in so much pain and I literally

52:27

have this with someone where it

52:27

brings up so much of my stuff.

52:31

My lack of worthiness, my feeling ugly.

52:36

I didn't even know those things were,

52:36

I didn't even know until like now

52:41

that I'm walking through it with, I'm

52:41

actually walking into this, like being

52:44

around this person, let's say I'm

52:44

actually walking into it to say, okay,

52:47

I'm just going to see how I feel and

52:47

see if I can walk myself through this.

52:51

But I think also part of the

52:51

problem is that I didn't even know.

52:54

And I think this is a lot

52:54

of high-functioning people

52:57

who maybe can't make money. Or if you have certain things that

52:58

don't work, you know, there's a deep

53:02

lack of value of self that you're

53:02

not even listening to you because

53:04

you've mastered the art of the bypass.

53:08

You've mastered it too. It only comes up when you're around a

53:09

super, like I danced for Mark Morris.

53:14

He's a super powerful, charismatic dude.

53:17

I felt like nothing.

53:20

Like I was going to prove myself

53:20

and I was in this energy of

53:23

nothing, but I'll prove myself. I'm nothing, but I'll prove myself.

53:27

It was devastating for many. It's very devastating because I never

53:29

could actually feel myself around him.

53:34

And if you're, if you're living

53:34

your life, you know, like we're very

53:36

talkative, we're verbal, or, you

53:36

know, you're, you're clever, you

53:40

go, you get into things you can kind

53:40

of get by without doing deep work.

53:46

Oh yeah. You know, and then until you've really

53:47

on flat on your back, you're not gonna.

53:51

You're not going to necessarily want to do it. Right.

53:55

Right. Yeah. So that was weird.

54:00

Yeah. I sort of have, there's a new age. It's an interesting topic because

54:01

I do think it's pretty prevalent.

54:04

It's new age affirmation.

54:07

Repeat this. You'll feel better. I have found that stuff to not work.

54:13

Yeah. The things that just make you

54:13

feel better in the moment.

54:18

They never felt maybe for a couple seconds

54:18

maybe, but I usually punish myself.

54:23

I'm a pretty masochistic person. And so I would just punish myself

54:25

that I didn't really feel that

54:27

way while you're a lot more aware.

54:31

That a lot of people are. I feel like, I think a lot of

54:32

people might feel better for a few

54:35

seconds and then wonder why it's not

54:35

working permanently or something.

54:39

I don't know. Sure, sure. Like, why didn't it work?

54:42

I told myself I was good. I'm in good enough.

54:46

And yet we completely don't. We didn't, we don't value feeling.

54:50

We don't value opinion based on

54:50

feeling like every book I read.

54:57

I was just talking about this today. Every book I read about acting and the

54:58

movement I'm doing for actors, right.

55:02

They're all like telling people to,

55:02

I said this in one of my videos, like

55:06

they're saying start from a neutral place. Like, what the fuck does that mean?

55:09

And they're acting they're already

55:09

putting in play that you need to be

55:12

somewhere else other than where you are. Yeah.

55:15

And then they're constantly quoting

55:15

other philosophers and other people that

55:19

are enacting to validate themselves.

55:22

Yeah. What if you just said, and I'm going to do

55:22

this, I'm going to do a pamphlet and just

55:26

be like, this is what I think, based on

55:26

my experience, see if it works for you and

55:34

I'm not going to quote any muthafuckas. I mean, like what if I didn't quote,

55:37

Lasky instruments, not Stravinsky.

55:41

What's the other S there's

55:41

another S the Strasburg.

55:45

What about, what am I didn't quote people.

55:52

Anything in anything we do, if we didn't

55:52

get you to, if you just say you, youre,

55:56

you, youre Tabitha, that, and this

55:56

is what you think, and this is based

55:58

on your opinions and your experience. People get really freaked out.

56:03

I know who are you? And you just feel it what's that mean?

56:10

Like, is it, you know? Yeah.

56:15

So true. You always get me to

56:16

think really, really hard.

56:19

Yeah. Like my brain wants to go to the basement.

56:28

You're already there. You're already thinking it's

56:30

not like, yeah, I'm always

56:35

thinking and overthinking, but. So back to shadow my shadow.

56:42

I have 15 more minutes. Good. Okay. Just talk.

56:47

I feel like you're just better when

56:47

you're just, I'm not interrupting

56:52

when I'm a psychopath and I'm just dressing.

56:54

Sometimes I get lost. Okay. So.

56:57

Let's talk about the shadow work. I feel like so many people that especially

56:59

would be listening to me and my stuff

57:04

are afraid of their feelings are afraid

57:04

the carry so much shame to begin with.

57:10

Yeah. And you, yeah. Yeah.

57:12

I think that, I think that

57:12

everyone I listened to who's

57:16

talking about shadow work. Talks about it in sort

57:18

of different aspects. But I do think that the one thing

57:20

that I'm saying consistently

57:23

on our little conversation here

57:23

is that it's all important.

57:27

All of you is important. Yeah. And the parts, I would say the shadow is

57:30

an aspect to every voice in your head.

57:37

Every voice in my head

57:37

has a shadow and a light.

57:40

Every voice in my head has a divine

57:40

masculine and divine, feminine,

57:44

and higher self, a lower self. Every voice has a different age.

57:47

It's from a different place in me

57:47

that it became a voice in my head.

57:50

Or I would say a strand

57:50

as part of this channel.

57:54

This is how I am trying to think of

57:54

it, to kind of explain it to myself.

58:00

Because there's a shadow part. And like, if I'm, I'm expressing

58:01

a complaint about something,

58:07

there's an aspect of it. That's this age, that's the age I'm at.

58:10

Now having an experience

58:10

I'm explaining to you.

58:14

And the shadow aspect of it is the

58:14

part that takes no responsibility.

58:17

And isn't known to me maybe fully. And I think I'm pretty sure that's

58:20

how Yung looked at shadow was

58:23

anything that was in the dark

58:23

doing its bidding on its own.

58:25

Without your knowledge of it from

58:25

any age, from any aspect of you, I

58:29

believe, I hope I'm not saying that now.

58:33

So I've kind of, that's where I kind

58:33

of came from when I can use that word,

58:38

but I want to use it without shame. Because there are aspects of

58:41

shadow that are just young.

58:43

There are aspects of shadow

58:43

like the crystal that are

58:47

just that want what they want.

58:49

Like a child innocently

58:49

wants what it wants demands.

58:53

It will tear the whole game down.

58:55

It doesn't get what it wants. It's not always this like evil.

58:59

Spirit like taking over that's bad and

58:59

shouldn't be, you know, so if you start

59:03

to look at it like that, that there's

59:03

a shadow aspect to every strand and

59:07

every strand is a voice in your head,

59:07

then it becomes something you have

59:12

to hear every time you hear yourself.

59:15

So part of me is like, I'm really

59:15

I'm on this fast and I'm really

59:18

excited to have the actual food. I didn't have any yet.

59:21

It's like a mimicking fasting,

59:21

fasting, mimicking diet.

59:25

And then part of me is there's

59:25

probably a negative pleasure aspect

59:28

to that because I'm kind of, part

59:28

of me doesn't think I deserve to

59:32

eat normally, but there's a shadow.

59:34

There's a positive, I'm

59:34

doing a fast for a reason.

59:37

And there's a negative, darker

59:37

aspect that I'm going to say,

59:41

okay, say what you want come along.

59:43

Cause you're there anyway. And when I deny that I have

59:46

the negative aspects, because I

59:49

shame them and think they're bad. I'm literally saying there's a half

59:53

of every part of me that's bad.

59:57

Yeah. And not worthy. So there's no way to be

59:59

putting yourself out as worthy.

1:00:02

If you think 50% of you is not

1:00:02

worthy, it's like you're completely

1:00:07

confusing yourself constantly. And giving yourself parameters that

1:00:09

are not healthy physically and the

1:00:13

physical body reflects all of this. So for me, it was not being

1:00:17

able to hold a pregnancy. I wanted to get pregnant, but my

1:00:19

body wouldn't hold a pregnancy.

1:00:21

So there was a, there was a huge

1:00:21

duality going on inside my body.

1:00:25

I was over defended and under receiving,

1:00:25

like, I, I, there's a part of me,

1:00:30

the feminine part of me that was not,

1:00:30

was not able to receive and surrender

1:00:35

for so many, so many, so many reasons. I just think if we understand that there

1:00:37

is shadow in every light part of us.

1:00:41

If we understand that there is no

1:00:41

light without the dark, then what we're

1:00:45

saying is, okay, it's my responsibility

1:00:45

to constantly voice the dark with

1:00:49

the light, because they're the same. They're not one, like not the same.

1:00:54

They make a strand like they're together.

1:00:58

That's what I think. I think they're together

1:00:59

having like yin yang sex.

1:01:04

They are, they are the same in

1:01:04

that way that they are bonded

1:01:07

like men and women in sex. And and we can go all

1:01:10

over the place with that.

1:01:14

But that's what I think. Yeah, I mean, you think about the

1:01:16

words light and shadow, anything

1:01:18

that has a light shining on it. It's going to have shadow on the

1:01:19

other side, you know, it's not.

1:01:26

They do go together. They are whole thing.

1:01:28

And if we're splitting ourselves,

1:01:28

we're literally splitting

1:01:31

those parts of ourselves. And there is a lecture on this about

1:01:33

duality, how it comes into play, why we do

1:01:39

this in our psyche, I'm going to refresh

1:01:39

and I'll make sure I email you about it.

1:01:44

But I don't remember because it's

1:01:44

dense, but it's in the pathwork

1:01:48

lectures about how duality starts.

1:01:50

Okay. Wait, it's that? You love. Okay.

1:01:54

Here's what it is. It's exactly that you

1:01:57

love your parents so much.

1:02:01

Yeah. You also hate them when they say no.

1:02:03

So the minute they start saying, no,

1:02:03

the child from the child's place hates

1:02:09

them for saying no is not allowed to

1:02:09

hate them because they know that's bad.

1:02:14

They know that they

1:02:14

should love their parents.

1:02:16

It's already a construct and

1:02:16

the minute you both love and

1:02:19

hate, but don't allow the hate. You've created duality.

1:02:23

You're not allowed to hate them. So then you mask it, then you

1:02:24

start doing these weird things

1:02:27

that magnetize to perform for your

1:02:27

parents so that they don't, you

1:02:29

don't have to have a temper gender. Don't yell at you.

1:02:32

They tell you don't do this. Then sometimes I try to play

1:02:32

because I've read all this shit

1:02:36

and done all this research. Yeah. Go feel mad.

1:02:40

I know you're not, I won't give you candy. Let's scream.

1:02:46

You know, like I just didn't indulge her

1:02:46

in, instead of telling her to mask it.

1:02:51

She's like, you know, I don't love you anymore. I'm like, okay.

1:02:54

I accept. I still love you.

1:02:57

Like, I let her it's so good

1:02:57

that she can say that though.

1:03:01

Like, do you have any idea? I'm sure you do.

1:03:04

I do now because she's at this age,

1:03:04

just starting to come out the stuff

1:03:07

she says, I'm like, dude, like she said

1:03:07

to me, you know what she said to me

1:03:10

the other day she goes, I go, Oh no, I

1:03:10

don't want to hear any whine anymore.

1:03:14

And I said it like, I'm done with the whining. And she goes, yeah, I

1:03:16

need to let this out.

1:03:19

Are you kidding me? What kind of superhero have I raised?

1:03:24

Like, she's like, no, no,

1:03:24

I need to express myself.

1:03:27

She's six. This is, yeah.

1:03:30

That's what happened, you know, that's good. It's good.

1:03:33

And I was like, okay, you

1:03:33

know, I'm, I'm receptive.

1:03:36

I'm like, okay, I'll stop yelling at

1:03:36

you for whining like half a minute.

1:03:42

So that's where it starts. It starts in zero to six years old.

1:03:45

You're not allowed to hate, you're

1:03:45

not allowed to have a tantrum.

1:03:47

You're not allowed to express you aren't

1:03:47

most, I would say 99% of kids are not,

1:03:52

or they're indulged in the other way. They're allowed to do whatever

1:03:53

they want, which isn't good. I wrote a bunch of stuff using the

1:03:56

word hate last week, because I said

1:04:01

I was never allowed to use the word

1:04:01

hate, hates a really strong word.

1:04:05

Do you even know what hate is? Like, that's what I was taught.

1:04:07

Right? Like, You're not supposed to hate

1:04:08

anything or anybody, you know?

1:04:14

So I just let myself yeah,

1:04:14

totally get that bypass.

1:04:20

It's an immediate bypass. I have to check.

1:04:22

I do it with Una too, though. Even though I'm looked at to a degree,

1:04:24

like if she says someone's dumb, I'm

1:04:28

like, don't say that that's not nice. It's like, I don't care if you're nice.

1:04:31

Okay. So how do I reframe this? Yeah.

1:04:34

Tell me why you don't like them. Like it's, but I forget

1:04:36

sometimes to take the time yeah.

1:04:41

To do that. It's true. Because I think expressing feelings

1:04:43

is like, like that's totally okay.

1:04:49

Or like, I hate, I love, but

1:04:49

like to say someone's dumb,

1:04:55

like that's, that's different

1:04:55

jreducing them to one thing, right?

1:04:59

Yeah. Yeah. It is different.

1:05:02

So like, it's okay to say why you

1:05:02

don't like somebody that, that focuses

1:05:08

on this is an aspect of this person.

1:05:10

That's basically rubbing me

1:05:10

the wrong way or whatever.

1:05:14

Yeah. You're allowed to have that fearing.

1:05:17

Yeah. Right.

1:05:19

So it's almost like I'm in real

1:05:19

time, re rebirth, not reversing.

1:05:24

What is it? What do they call it?

1:05:27

Re parenting. They call it the parents, you know,

1:05:27

you're repenting, you're yourself,

1:05:30

myself, trying to do it with her because

1:05:30

it is, it is kind of interactive.

1:05:35

The more I do it with her, the

1:05:35

more I realize I'm not, you know,

1:05:37

how do I give myself the time? So, you know, like you just

1:05:39

start to do it, you start to see.

1:05:43

Yeah. But the more, the more we notice that

1:05:45

the shadow is the light is the shadow.

1:05:48

That it's, that which came

1:05:48

first, the more, you know,

1:05:52

the less fragmented we are. Yeah.

1:05:56

I always appreciate your thought

1:05:56

processes and yeah, I love following you.

1:06:03

You have so much content. Thank you.

1:06:06

Really do. Yeah, I've been a little bit.

1:06:11

It's a little bit like, I can't,

1:06:11

it's hard for you to say anything

1:06:13

without getting political and I don't really, I don't care. But I'll be back.

1:06:18

I get it. I so appreciate you being

1:06:19

on this has been a pleasure.

1:06:22

Thank you so much for

1:06:22

letting me do it again.

1:06:25

Oh yeah. To do more.

1:06:30

I highly recommend everybody follow you. I'm going to be putting that in

1:06:32

the outro and everything like that.

1:06:35

Not that I've got like a huge following, I love it, but I didn't

1:06:36

have to pick up my daughter.

1:06:39

I asked you stay in gossip more. Yeah, we can talk any time.

1:06:44

Let's do it. Get out of here. I'll be talking to you

1:06:45

so great to see you.

1:06:51

You too. You too. You're the best.

1:06:53

I appreciate you. That's all right.

1:06:59

No. Wow. No, really? I admire you a lot.

1:07:02

I don't mean real person. Yeah. Right.

1:07:05

It's so like, I would hug you. I know I'm such a hugger.

1:07:11

I'm there for I'm for it. I'm there for it. Okay.

1:07:13

Good. All right. I'm going to let you go.

1:07:15

And this won't be the end, so, all right.

1:07:18

Okay. I'll see you later. Okay.

1:07:20

I'm hitting it. Bye.