0:02

Welcome to the Love Works podcast . My name is

0:04

Chris Duncan , and my wife , jennifer and I are

0:06

marriage coaches and ministers in our local church

0:08

. We've been married for over 20 years

0:11

and have six wonderful children . Over

0:13

the years , we've experienced infertility , miscarriages

0:16

, become parents , had career changes

0:18

, fostered children and adopted

0:20

triplets , which , among many other life

0:22

experiences , have helped to shape us

0:25

, our marriage and our family . We

0:27

hope to share some of the things we've learned to help others

0:29

with their journey to have a successful

0:32

marriage and a strong family . I'll

0:34

keep in a focus on our faith as a guide

0:36

. Thanks for listening and

0:38

, as always , remember love works

0:40

. So let's get to work . Welcome

0:44

back to the Love Works podcast . My

0:46

name is Chris Duncan . I'm with my amazing

0:49

wife , jennifer Duncan , and we are so honored

0:51

to have you join us today . Thank

0:54

you again for tuning in to

0:56

our fourth episode and

0:58

, if this is your first time listening , thank

1:00

you so much for joining us

1:02

. Also , we're recording right

1:05

now , on Thanksgiving

1:07

weekend . So happy

1:09

Thanksgiving . I hope you had a wonderful

1:11

time with your friends and family , ate

1:14

a ton of turkey and ham and whatever

1:16

is your most favorite side

1:18

dish . So thank you . A

1:20

little bit of housekeeping . We

1:23

will be releasing new episodes biweekly

1:25

. So we generally record

1:27

on Thursday night and I try to get everything

1:29

edited and posted by Sunday

1:31

. So we're a little behind because

1:33

of the holiday . It's Saturday night about

1:36

10 pm , so

1:38

we'll

1:41

see how this goes and

1:44

we'll be posting by Sunday

1:46

. So thank you again for joining . So

1:49

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2:22

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2:53

have any questions or any topics

2:55

that you'd like us to discuss , there

2:57

are a few ways for you to reach out to us now and you

2:59

can direct message us on any

3:02

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3:04

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3:06

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3:12

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3:14

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3:16

you can email us at loveworkspodcast

3:18

at gmailcom

3:20

. That's loveworkspodcast at gmailcom

3:23

. And , as always , any questions

3:25

, comments , anything you send in to us , we will make

3:28

sure that it remains anonymous . So

3:30

we'll probably respond to you if it's a question

3:33

directly to us and you're looking for a responsible

3:35

respond , but make sure that we don't share

3:37

it with anybody else , all

3:39

right , so ?

3:41

All right . So we're moving right into

3:43

our what's that for this week , Since

3:46

it's Thanksgiving

3:49

weekend . I know with our what's that we normally

3:52

share , like a funny story about our

3:54

kids or our marriage or something that

3:56

happened throughout the weeks , but we

3:58

decided that we would take a break

4:00

from that and we're going to ask our children

4:03

to help us out and say what

4:05

they are thankful for . So

4:07

we're going to let you listen in and

4:10

they're thankfulness this week .

4:14

All right , Harper , tell me what you're thankful

4:16

for .

4:16

I'm thankful for God and I'm thankful for

4:19

my church .

4:20

Oh , those are good things . Anything else

4:22

, or is that it ?

4:24

I'm thankful for my family . I'm

4:26

thankful for my grandma and grandpa .

4:28

Awesome , all right , harpy , I love you . I

4:33

love you . All right , rowan . What are you thankful

4:35

for ?

4:35

I'm thankful for my mom and dad and

4:38

grandma and grandpa .

4:39

Good job , anything else ?

4:42

Uh Parker and Chippy and Jesus

4:44

.

4:45

Sparkle and Chippy and Jesus . All

4:47

right , I love you .

4:49

Me too .

4:51

All right , gwen . What are you thankful for ?

4:53

I'm thankful for Jesus

4:56

and us and

4:58

mom and dad and Chippy and Parker

5:01

.

5:02

Chippy and Sparkle All right . The elves

5:04

that come see us

5:06

during Christmas , Mm-hmm . All

5:09

right , anything else ?

5:10

Uh yeah , I'm thankful

5:12

for my Grayson and Boston

5:15

and I'm

5:18

thankful for my grandma and grandpa

5:21

.

5:22

All right , Grayson , tell us what you're thankful

5:24

for .

5:26

I'm thankful for God and my shoes

5:28

.

5:29

Your shoes .

5:30

Yeah .

5:31

Any specific pair of shoes , or just your shoes

5:33

.

5:33

Nah , just my shoes in general .

5:35

Okay , anything else .

5:39

Uh , my family Okay .

5:41

I'm a squeeze family in there with shoes Sounds

5:44

good . That's wisdom from a 13-year-old

5:47

. All right , bud , love you All

5:51

. Right now for the oldest Boston

5:54

. Tell us what you're thankful for .

5:57

I think if I had to choose

5:59

well , I'm obviously thankful for so much

6:01

, but if I had to choose one thing , I think it would be my church

6:03

and my church family and just

6:05

the overall community that we have , and

6:09

that includes our youth group too . I'm very

6:11

thankful for our youth group , um

6:14

, but yeah , I think that's what I would choose . If I had to choose one thing

6:16

, all right , awesome Thanks , love you . Love

6:18

you too .

6:20

All right . So that

6:22

was awesome , having the kids share what they were thankful

6:25

for . But , jen , what

6:27

are you thankful for ?

6:29

Ah , this wasn't in the notes

6:31

. I'm like on the spot

6:34

now Um , what

6:37

am I thankful for ? I am thankful

6:39

for I

6:41

know it sounds uh , I know it sounds

6:43

like cliche

6:46

but I'm very thankful for my family

6:48

. I'm thankful for our

6:50

church , our friends , the community

6:53

around us . We have been

6:55

surrounded by so many amazing

6:57

people . We've been blessed with so many amazing

7:00

people in our lives that I feel

7:02

, especially this time of year , I feel overwhelmingly

7:05

grateful just for the people

7:07

that we have in our corners and the people

7:09

that support us , no

7:11

matter what's going through . It's so important

7:14

in this world , where sometimes

7:16

we are so separated

7:18

from one another . It's

7:21

so important to have those connections

7:23

and I am very grateful for the

7:25

connections that we have .

7:28

Awesome , I'm thankful . Kind of

7:30

a random thing , I'm thankful

7:32

for the family photos we took today .

7:37

I will wait to see the edits before I'm thankful

7:39

.

7:40

The faces the kids were making . Oh

7:43

man , these photos are gonna be epic

7:45

. Okay

7:49

, little bit of confession . We'll call this confession

7:51

time with Chris . This

7:54

is the first time that we've

7:56

done family photos with the whole

7:59

family . So

8:01

now Asher's 15 months

8:03

or so .

8:04

He's 14 months , but that's okay .

8:06

Okay , you know he looks

8:08

like a 15-month-er , but

8:13

we did family photos today . We

8:15

met the photographer in

8:17

this woodsy area and we just had

8:19

a really good time . The kids were awesome

8:21

. The girls I bribed them

8:24

, told them , if they were good , that we'd go to the park

8:26

afterwards . So they were awesome

8:28

and I'm just really looking

8:31

forward to seeing they were very excited

8:34

about getting their photos taken .

8:35

So Extremely . It'll

8:38

be very interesting we had some

8:40

amazing poses .

8:43

I think I saw what duck lips

8:45

. Is that a ?

8:46

thing yeah , duck lips , heart , hearts

8:48

, all kinds of really yeah , curtsies

8:50

.

8:51

Some really good stuff

8:53

going on there . So I'm thankful

8:55

for that opportunity for us to go

8:57

out and have

8:59

those memories captured in

9:03

a way that we'll be able to keep

9:05

for a lifetime . So that's what I'm thankful for

9:08

. So obviously

9:10

, right , we've been talking about thankfulness . So

9:13

today I actually had a different idea

9:15

in mind . In Gens , I knew it . Let's

9:18

talk about appreciation and gratitude

9:20

, thankfulness for

9:22

our spouses and others . So

9:24

today our show is going to focus

9:27

on appreciation and thankfulness and gratitude

9:29

. So I

9:31

hope you enjoy it .

9:34

In marriage . Appreciation

9:36

is so very important . I've

9:38

been thinking about this a lot lately and this

9:40

is kind of why I wanted to go this direction . But

9:43

so often we

9:47

forget to

9:49

appreciate the people closest to us and

9:51

while we say we appreciate

9:54

them if we're asked , or

9:57

just like we just did right now , like hey , what are you

9:59

thankful for ?

10:00

Oh , I'm thankful for my wife . Yes

10:02

, exactly .

10:05

You know those are so easy to say , but what

10:08

does that really look like in a marriage ? And how

10:10

can we be thankful , not just when

10:12

we think about it on

10:14

a random holiday , but be thankful

10:16

for our spouse and show appreciation each

10:19

and every day ? So good

10:21

Appreciation in a marriage helps

10:23

you more than you even think

10:25

by helping you keep the lines

10:27

of communication open , and

10:30

it also leaves you feeling good about

10:32

your spouse . If you know that you

10:34

are appreciated by your spouse , you

10:37

feel good and your spouse feels good

10:39

when you appreciate them and you

10:41

feel good when you appreciate your

10:43

spouse .

10:44

It's a lot of good going on . It's all good , it's

10:46

all good .

10:48

We only have so much time in our

10:50

day , every day , to think about things

10:53

, right , there's only so many hours

10:55

that we can ponder things . Even if

10:57

you're someone like me , who I

11:00

feel like I can never fall asleep , even

11:04

then you only have so much time

11:06

to think about things . And if we're constantly

11:08

focusing on negative

11:10

things , if we're constantly focusing on people's

11:12

faults , on the things that

11:15

bother us , then we

11:17

don't have time to think about the

11:19

good things about people . We don't

11:21

have time to focus on the things that we actually

11:23

should be appreciating . So it's so very

11:26

, very important that we do make this a

11:29

habit in our marriage appreciating

11:31

our spouse , appreciating the people around us

11:33

. Appreciation

11:35

is absolutely

11:39

vital and one

11:41

of the probably it

11:44

sounds silly , but it's kind of like

11:46

a secret to a happy marriage . Right , we don't really

11:48

think about oh when people say

11:50

, oh

11:53

, what should ? What keeps your marriage

11:55

happy ? You know oh , this or

11:57

that , but hardly ever hear somebody

11:59

say , oh , appreciate your wife

12:01

or appreciate your husband . But it really

12:03

is key to a happy marriage Very

12:06

important , critical that we appreciate

12:08

one another . Appreciation

12:10

is the recognition and enjoyment

12:12

of the good qualities

12:15

of someone or something

12:17

. According

12:19

to psychologists , there is a magic ratio

12:21

of positive versus negative interactions

12:24

that predicts the health of a marriage . The

12:26

magic ratio is five to one . For

12:29

every one negative interaction , at least

12:31

five positive ones are needed to counterbalance

12:34

it . Our minds are wired

12:36

to focus on the negative . When

12:38

I worked in the

12:40

real world before

12:43

I had children and decided to stay home Really

12:45

.

12:45

it will happen in this house , babe

12:47

.

12:47

That's true . My

12:50

children don't believe that I ever had another

12:52

job outside of here , but when I

12:54

did , I always told

12:57

my employees that one

13:00

negative interaction will be

13:02

shared about nine or ten times

13:04

, and positive interactions

13:07

that customers have with you are

13:09

very , very rarely shared

13:11

. It's , I think , once or twice . So

13:14

it's so important that we

13:17

really focus on those positives

13:19

, that we really make sure that we're showing

13:22

our appreciation , that we're focusing on

13:24

our spouse and the good things

13:26

about our spouse and not just focusing

13:28

on those negative things , because negative things

13:31

are so much bigger

13:33

in our heads than positive things

13:35

. We

13:38

blow things out of proportions when it comes

13:40

to negative and positive . That's just humanity

13:43

. That's just how people are

13:45

wired . We're wired to . That's

13:48

why the news is so important . Right ? We

13:50

watch the news and there's all these

13:52

negative stories , and then they'll have one positive

13:54

like ooh , feel good story , yay . And

13:57

you're like okay , you just told me everything's

13:59

coming to an end , the world is coming to an end , and

14:02

now I'm supposed to feel good about a kitten

14:04

getting rescued from a storm

14:07

drain .

14:07

So Well , think about

14:09

when you're scrolling on social

14:11

media or something , if there is a negative

14:14

title on , like a story

14:17

or a reel or whatever .

14:19

nine times out of ten you stop and you check it

14:21

out . Okay , let's see what's happening

14:23

.

14:24

If it's all positive and happy , you're like eh

14:26

, whatever .

14:27

That's not true . Fake news Backcheck

14:30

that it

14:32

really is true . This is how we're wired

14:34

and that's why it's important that

14:36

we are very intentional

14:40

in making sure that every

14:42

day , in so many ways

14:44

that we are focusing on the good things

14:46

about our spouse , that we are appreciating

14:48

them and we're letting them know not only

14:51

for ourselves , but for our

14:53

spouse as well . The

14:56

National Science Foundation tells us 80%

14:59

of our thoughts are negative and 95%

15:03

of our thoughts are repetitive . I think we

15:05

kind of went over that . We didn't even

15:07

need the National Science Foundation

15:09

. That's

15:12

why appreciation matters , though , if

15:14

you want those stats , 80%

15:17

of our thoughts are negative . It's

15:19

really important that we change

15:21

that with our marriage . We don't want 80%

15:24

of our marriage and our interactions

15:26

with our spouse to be negative . The

15:29

negative sticks with us so

15:31

much longer than the positive . You

15:33

remember those fights you

15:35

had with your spouse . You remember those disagreements

15:38

. You remember those harsh words that you spoke

15:41

with one another . It's

15:43

so important that we are

15:46

. Obviously things happen

15:48

and we say things and we do things . But if we're

15:50

not appreciating our spouse

15:52

, if we're not daily showing our spouse

15:55

how much they mean to us and

15:57

how much we notice

15:59

their good traits and

16:02

their good characteristics , then

16:04

it's going to be impossible for us to overcome

16:07

those negative things .

16:10

So good . There's

16:12

some benefits of appreciation

16:14

, some benefits of

16:16

admiring our

16:18

spouse . One of them is your

16:21

mindset changes . Jen

16:23

already shared this stat , but I wanted to share

16:25

it again because I like stats

16:27

, even though I read a stat

16:29

that 94% of stats are not

16:31

true . But

16:34

80% of our thoughts are negative

16:36

and 95% of our

16:38

thoughts are repetitive . So

16:42

80% are negative and 95%

16:44

of the time we're repeating those negative thoughts

16:47

. So what can

16:49

we do ? When we decide

16:52

that we're going to look for the good instead

16:55

of the bad , and our spouse

16:57

and others , you begin

16:59

to notice just how fantastic

17:01

people actually are . And it's

17:03

a change of mindset . You

17:05

have to tell yourself

17:08

and you have to be like okay , I'm looking

17:10

for the positive , I'm

17:12

going to show appreciation

17:14

. It's so easy to be negative

17:16

, it's so easy to kick somebody

17:18

when they're down . A lot of

17:20

us have to really try to

17:23

look for that positive and to share that . But

17:25

once you do , you can literally change

17:27

your mindset and I

17:30

know the statistic is 80% of thoughts are negative

17:32

. But you can change that right . Statistics

17:34

change , people can change

17:36

. I hate that , saying that people

17:39

don't change . I don't believe that

17:41

People change if they want to

17:43

change , and so we can benefit

17:46

of appreciation

17:49

appreciating our spouse we can literally

17:51

, and we need to change our

17:53

mindset . Another one is your mood improves . Psychologists

17:57

have long touted that our mood

18:00

and daily outlook change when we focus

18:02

on positive things rather

18:04

than the negative . Dr

18:07

Woodward PhD suggests

18:09

that simply removing negative words

18:11

from our vocabulary can

18:13

have a tremendous effect on our

18:16

mood . Just think about that

18:19

. It not only has a positive

18:21

effect on the person

18:23

that you're speaking to , but yourself

18:25

as well . If you're always using

18:27

negative words and you're always speaking negatively

18:30

to somebody , that's beating them

18:32

down and so it's wearing

18:34

on them , but it also has an effect

18:37

on you . Jen said a

18:39

couple minutes ago you remember those negative

18:41

words . You remember the negative words that were said

18:43

to you , but you also remember the negative words

18:45

that you said to others . And so

18:47

when you decide

18:50

and really focus on using those positive

18:52

words , a positive affirmation

18:55

, it will change your

18:57

mood . It will change the

18:59

person who you're dealing with's mood

19:01

. We have six children and

19:04

it can be very hectic

19:07

, it can be so rambunctious

19:09

. We have six year old triplets

19:11

. If you

19:13

have never had triplets , you don't know

19:15

. You just don't

19:17

know . It is

19:20

wild and crazy and

19:22

at times I can

19:24

say my words can

19:26

be negative and sometimes not even my words

19:28

, but the way that I say

19:31

them and you can see

19:33

that impact on them . And

19:36

I have to . I see them , I recognize

19:38

them , I have to , sometimes I have to apologize

19:40

, right , but

19:43

I have to change the way that I

19:45

speak to them and change it to the positive

19:47

. And once you do that , you change

19:49

your tone , you change the words

19:52

, that kind of stuff it starts

19:54

getting through differently to

19:56

them and you can see a

19:58

positive change to the attitude

20:00

or the direction that they're going and

20:03

kids are going to be kids . Right , it's not 100%

20:06

foolproof my kid's always going to listen if I

20:08

speak nicely to them , but

20:10

it's definitely will have

20:12

an impact on them and yourself and

20:14

it improves your mood . And

20:16

actually here's the crazy thing when

20:19

you think positively and

20:22

you're using positive words , it's

20:24

actually proven to

20:27

boost neurotransmitters

20:29

that transmit , or serotonin

20:32

, to activate the brainstem to produce

20:34

dopamine , and dopamine is the

20:36

brain's pleasure chemical . So

20:38

the more we think positive , grateful

20:41

thoughts , the healthier and happier

20:43

we will feel . That's crazy

20:45

. It is crazy . You might be thinking , oh

20:47

, fact , check that , do it . Do

20:49

it , go through a day and be

20:52

positive and everything . A positive

20:54

outlook . You will feel healthier

20:56

, you will feel happier . Do

20:59

it , I promise A benefit of

21:01

appreciation . Another benefit of

21:03

appreciation is you engage at a higher level

21:06

. How's that Okay

21:08

? Well , if you are talking

21:10

positively to someone , you're talking

21:12

kindly , you're appreciating them . They're

21:15

going to engage with you . They're

21:17

going to engage with you on a higher level . They

21:20

want to hear more . Everybody likes

21:22

to be appreciated , right , man

21:24

? You're doing such a good job . Well , thank you . Thank

21:27

you so much . Stop it . Tell me more . They're

21:30

going to want to engage with you on a higher

21:32

level . If you're always talking

21:34

negatively to somebody , you're talking

21:37

down to them . You're spouse . Everything

21:39

you say is negative

21:41

about the way they cook , the way they

21:43

clean , whatever it is . The

21:45

engagement is going to be very low because

21:48

nobody wants to deal with that . Nobody

21:51

wants to engage with somebody who's always negative

21:53

.

21:54

Yeah , and going back to the mood , it

21:56

even creates

21:59

a different mood in the house , not just between you and

22:02

your spouse , but between the whole family

22:04

. That ruins the whole mood of your

22:06

home . It's yeah

22:08

.

22:09

It's crazy , but it absolutely does

22:11

. Another benefit of appreciation

22:14

is you build trust in relationships

22:16

. Even

22:18

the neuroscientists are proving

22:20

that recognition , appreciation

22:23

, builds trust , and

22:25

this is more . They did a study

22:28

and it was in the workplace , but it absolutely

22:30

applies within your marriage and within

22:32

your home and really any aspect

22:35

of your life . There was a study done by

22:37

Paul Zach , a professor at

22:39

Claremont Graduate University , and

22:42

the neuroscience shows that recognition

22:44

has the largest effect on trust

22:46

when it comes immediately after a goal has

22:48

been met , when it comes from

22:50

peers and when it's tangible

22:53

, unexpected , personal

22:56

and public has an

22:58

immediate effect . And

23:00

I was thinking about that at home

23:03

talking with your spouse , talking with your kids

23:05

, people close to you tangible

23:08

, unexpected , personal

23:10

and public . We should

23:13

show appreciation to our spouse , not

23:15

only in private but in public

23:18

. We should let people know

23:20

how much we appreciate our . We should

23:22

let our spouse know how much we appreciate

23:24

them when others are around , and

23:27

I'm not saying do it kind

23:29

of , oh , I have

23:31

to do this obligation or try to

23:34

show off or boast , but there's

23:36

definitely times that you can see that

23:38

your spouse has done something when you're out and

23:40

you're amongst people and you appreciate

23:42

that . Hey , jen , I really appreciate the way

23:44

that you

23:47

got the kids ready today for the pictures

23:49

. And right when they hop out of the car , the

23:51

photographer is like , oh my word , there's like a clown

23:53

car . People get piling out

23:56

. There's eight of us , but

23:59

after she's , oh my God , there's more . They

24:01

keep coming .

24:01

I'm charging double .

24:06

It was like a hotel . You book

24:09

it online , it says how many adults , how many kids , two

24:11

and we got 14 . We

24:13

never do that .

24:15

I can't . I'm sorry , I can't .

24:18

She can't , I could . That's

24:20

why she makes me get two rooms everywhere we go . It's crazy . I'm

24:23

like back to the podcast . But

24:26

the next thing she said was how

24:28

cute the kids were and how great

24:31

she had addressed them . That's

24:33

a perfect opportunity to show appreciation in public

24:36

and that's tangible . That's

24:38

something that we can

24:40

appreciate and take with us . Another

24:43

benefit of appreciation you inspire

24:45

greatness in others and

24:48

you are appreciating . And

24:50

I'll say , with your kids , all

24:54

of our kids are different . We have six kids

24:56

Asher , who I just found out is actually 14

24:58

months , not 15 months . Even

25:02

Asher , when today he

25:05

started , he knows how to walk

25:07

. He does . He's a little stinker

25:09

. He's been able to walk for months now , but

25:12

whenever he sees us catch him walking

25:14

, he drops down to the ground and crawls because

25:16

he wants us to carry him . There's he's

25:19

seven other people in the house that will pick

25:21

him up at any moment . So he would much rather

25:23

use somebody else's legs . But

25:26

today he started walking

25:28

so much and he was like Dude

25:31

, this dude could kick a ball . He's like kicking

25:34

the ball around , he's like playing soccer . And

25:37

yes , or you pretend like he could barely crawl

25:39

, he's a wild man , but anyways , he

25:42

was walking around and every time we saw him we would clap

25:44

and say great job , asher . And

25:47

he kept doing it more and more and more

25:49

to where I think today he walked

25:51

more than he crawled . And that , just

25:53

that just shows you , even

25:55

in a 14 month old , the

25:58

Showing that appreciation

26:00

, showing that faith and

26:02

that love and that joy in what

26:04

he was doing Inspired him

26:07

to want to continue to do it . And

26:09

so , with our kids , with our spouses

26:11

, when we're showing appreciation , we're

26:14

showing gratitude , it inspires

26:16

them to want to do Better

26:19

, to want to be a better person

26:21

. Jerry McGuire , you complete

26:24

me . That's a

26:26

very False statement

26:28

, but you know you should believe yourself and

26:30

the Lord . But hey , back to the story

26:33

anyways . But we inspire

26:35

greatness when we are appreciating

26:37

others . And then one other thing when

26:40

last thing , before I turn over to Jen you

26:43

create a story with a future . When

26:45

you're being positive and

26:47

you're appreciating , you create a story

26:49

with a future . Negativity

26:52

has a sense of ending , despair

26:54

, an awful finality , but

26:57

appreciation and a positivity

26:59

always has

27:01

a future , is Always

27:04

showing them hey , there's

27:06

more to be had , there's greatness

27:09

to be had and it allows

27:11

for growth and newness . So always

27:13

appreciate , always show

27:16

gratitude and use those positive

27:18

words .

27:19

That's so true , and when you know somebody

27:21

appreciates what you do , it

27:24

makes you want to do it and do it better

27:26

. Yeah , totally because you're

27:28

like somebody actually appreciates it . Yeah

27:31

, I'm like making food for you know the triplets

27:33

? Or cleaning up their room

27:35

for them or something like that . You know I Don't

27:39

want to do it because I know they're not gonna

27:41

appreciate it . Some

27:44

days they do , some days they don't . But

27:46

it is really true when , when I

27:49

know that that Chris Appreciate

27:51

something I do , it makes me want to just take

27:53

it to the next level . It makes me want to be better

27:56

at it and to Do

27:58

, to strive to to make

28:00

him , to make him

28:02

happy and to make our relationship better

28:04

. So it's very important that

28:06

we always make

28:09

sure that we're being appreciative

28:11

and there's some signs that

28:13

we can look for in our relationship that

28:16

show us that we're lacking appreciation

28:18

. One of them is

28:21

you're drifting apart emotionally and

28:23

showing less affection . I see this

28:25

all the time . People are like oh

28:27

, we're just not connecting , we're going different

28:30

directions . You

28:32

know we're . We're not on the same page

28:34

. We hear it , everyone hears

28:36

those things , right ? If you're feeling

28:38

that , if you feel like you're not Connected

28:42

, you're not together , you're not All

28:48

you a vibing , if

28:54

you feel like it's just like you're not in

28:56

sync , think about how

28:58

your interactions are . Yeah are you showing

29:00

your spouse appreciation ? Are

29:03

you Focusing

29:05

on the things that they do well , or are you

29:07

constantly focusing on the things they didn't

29:09

do ? Are you constantly focusing

29:12

on the , the lack in

29:14

their character instead .

29:15

Of .

29:16

What they have to offer and what they do

29:18

for you on a daily basis . One

29:21

of the other Signs is you're quick

29:23

to argue . Every little

29:25

thing right is , isn't ?

29:27

get it yeah it's , everything's

29:29

magnified .

29:30

You know they didn't do this and as soon

29:32

as they get home , gonna , you know , talk

29:34

to him about this and then , oh well , you didn't do

29:37

this . And it's back and forth , because

29:39

we're not Appreciating the things that

29:41

they do . Right , we're just

29:44

focusing . We're using all of our

29:46

mental time and energy

29:48

to focus on the things that they haven't done , instead

29:50

of using some of that to Focus on the positive

29:53

. Another sign is you're not communicating

29:55

and are more quiet than usual

29:58

. If you notice your spouse

30:00

is quiet , if you notice your

30:02

spouse isn't engaging , that's

30:05

a sign that maybe we're not appreciating

30:07

one another . Yeah , and that's

30:09

.

30:12

That's a red flag you need to make , you need

30:14

to correct something because you are going in

30:17

the wrong direction .

30:19

Communication being open is . It's

30:21

not negotiable . You have

30:23

to communicate or your marriage will

30:25

not survive . Another

30:27

sign is you're telling people that you don't feel appreciated

30:30

. We hear that one a lot , right

30:32

? Oh , I don't feel appreciated . Everyone

30:35

takes me for granted . I just , you

30:37

know , work all day . I just do all this stuff

30:39

and nobody cares , and blah , blah , blah . I

30:41

know when I get , and

30:43

we all do right , we all get in those

30:45

moods like , oh , I do everything

30:47

, nobody does anything . I'm you

30:50

know , nobody cares , I'm just doing all this stuff . We

30:52

can all get in those situations

30:54

, absolutely . And

30:56

I know , as soon as I get

30:58

in that situation , as soon as I start

31:00

feeling those things , I Look

31:02

for things I can do for others , because

31:05

that's the only thing that's gonna get me out of

31:07

that funk . It's not true . People

31:09

do appreciate me . Yes

31:12

, I do a lot , but everyone else

31:14

does a lot too , and it's so

31:16

important that we go out of our way

31:18

. I always do this and it always

31:20

works . I Go out of my way

31:22

when I feel overwhelmed . I

31:25

go out of my way to make somebody to stay

31:27

easier and when I see how

31:29

much joy that brings them , it

31:31

makes me feel joy . I forget that

31:33

I'm overwhelmed . I forget that I'm stressed . I

31:35

forget that I'm feeling unappreciated because

31:38

I made somebody else's day better

31:40

and I Took that

31:42

energy and that time that I was wasting

31:45

thinking about myself and thinking

31:47

about poor me , and you

31:49

know I'm so unappreciated . I

31:51

miss that and I put it towards something

31:53

positive and I turned my

31:56

mood around . I turned their day

31:58

around and I changed Everything

32:01

about that interaction . I changed everything

32:03

about that day . So it's really important

32:05

. Another

32:07

thing is that you

32:10

feel sad when you think about your relationship

32:12

, when you think about

32:14

your relationship with your spouse . You shouldn't feel

32:17

regret and sadness , even

32:22

if there's , you

32:25

know , things that have gone wrong in your

32:27

past or whatever . You can

32:29

change that . Yes , every

32:31

day is a new day and Very

32:34

rarely are there things now , some

32:36

days or some things are irreversible

32:39

, but very rarely

32:41

. If we've chosen wisely and the person

32:43

that we are with is the

32:45

person that we're gonna be with forever , very

32:49

rarely are there things that we can't recover

32:52

from when we start to show appreciation

32:54

for one another . Yeah , so

32:56

it's not too late if you

32:58

see any of these in your relationship and you're like

33:00

, oh man , what in the world

33:03

, how did I get here ? It's

33:05

not too late . You can start today

33:08

. Yeah , you can start right now .

33:10

It could even be late at night it could

33:12

be 10 30 .

33:14

You can do it at 10 30 . Start

33:17

by using basic manners . What

33:19

do we teach our kids right out of the gate ? Yeah

33:22

we teach them , please . Thank

33:24

you , yes , ma'am

33:27

. No , ma'am , you're welcome . We

33:29

teach these kids all

33:32

of these things and then somehow

33:34

, when we get married , we forget

33:36

to use basic manners with

33:38

our spouse .

33:39

Isn't that crazy . Think about that

33:41

. Think about your wife

33:43

or your husband . They , they bring you

33:45

a cup of coffee or something and you

33:48

just take a drink , like oh , that's good . You

33:51

say thank you . I appreciate

33:53

that our kids we'd be like

33:56

what do you say ? Right

33:59

, it's crazy . But these

34:01

basic manners Sometimes

34:04

they just go out the window when , when dealing

34:06

with our spouse and it has an

34:08

extreme negative

34:11

effect , it really does it really

34:13

does .

34:14

It's funny sometimes , the things we don't even think

34:16

about , you know , we just don't think about them

34:18

. It's not that we intentionally do things

34:20

to hurt our relationship or to hurt our spouse

34:23

, but we just don't think about

34:25

it . And it's so important that we make

34:28

a conservative

34:30

effort to do

34:32

these things , even the little things Say

34:35

thank you , say no , thank you

34:37

, say you're welcome , say please

34:40

, say excuse me , say

34:43

sorry . Yes

34:45

, that one can be really hard , but it's so

34:47

important and it could be sorry for

34:50

the littlest thing . Just

34:52

, I always tell my kids treat

34:55

your siblings like you

34:57

would , your friend , because it's really

34:59

easy to get

35:01

upset at our siblings , to get short

35:04

tempered with our siblings , just like it is

35:06

to get short tempered with your spouse , and

35:09

but you wouldn't say the things you say to

35:11

your spouse or treat your spouse like you would , your

35:13

friend .

35:14

And so and if you do , you ain't got many friends .

35:16

Yeah , exactly , they wanna be friends for very

35:18

long . So it's really important that we

35:20

think about how we're

35:22

treating our spouse , how the things are

35:25

coming out of our mouth . Are we doing these

35:27

little things ? Are we abusing our

35:29

manners ? Are we

35:31

showing our children

35:33

what manners actually look like

35:36

? Are we being that person

35:38

? Yeah , we need to find

35:40

the good in our spouses

35:42

and not the faults in our spouses

35:44

. We all have faults , yeah

35:47

, and we know our faults . Right

35:49

, your spouse knows what his faults are and you

35:51

know what your faults are . We're

35:56

not hiding them . Especially

35:59

when you're married , you don't hide your faults .

36:00

There's nothing you can't hide . They'll come out .

36:02

They will eventually come out . So

36:05

make sure you're focusing on

36:07

the good . Make sure you're focusing

36:09

on the things you fell in love with

36:11

that person . For what were

36:13

the things that

36:15

the personality traits that you admired

36:18

when you were dating ? Focus

36:20

on those things and appreciate

36:22

those things , and the crazy thing

36:24

about that is those things will

36:27

be magnified , not

36:29

only in your own eyes

36:31

and not only how you see them

36:33

, but those

36:36

traits will become more dominant the more

36:38

you focus on those Because , just like I said

36:40

before , the more somebody appreciates

36:43

something about you , the better you wanna

36:45

do it right , the more you

36:47

want to do that . So it's so important that we

36:49

are not

36:51

picking at the faults of our spouse

36:53

Every day . We need

36:55

to find something good about our spouse , something

36:58

we appreciate , and even if it's

37:01

not something that we come out

37:03

and maybe it's not , maybe they're

37:05

at work or whatever you can text them .

37:07

Absolutely .

37:08

Hey , you know what I just wanna let you

37:10

know . I really appreciate the kind of dad

37:12

you are , or I really appreciate

37:14

how you handled this , or

37:16

whatever it may be . There's so many

37:18

things that we can appreciate about our spouses

37:21

and it's

37:23

okay to tell them . You don't

37:25

have to hide it .

37:26

Yeah , don't keep it secret . Yeah , tell them .

37:29

It's not a secret , so very

37:31

important Use

37:33

. I appreciate you

37:35

Be specific about what

37:37

you appreciate , so like I

37:39

really appreciate how you make the bed every morning

37:41

, I really appreciate how you get

37:43

my coffee every morning . I appreciate

37:46

that , Chris .

37:47

Thank you , I appreciate , you appreciate

37:49

me .

37:50

I do tell him these things , but

37:52

I could do better . Right , we

37:54

can all do better , so it's really important

37:57

to just . It

37:59

sounds funny , but when

38:01

you first start it it might feel even

38:03

overboard . You might feel like this is silly

38:06

, but

38:08

it's not in vain and

38:11

your appreciation of your

38:13

spouse will change

38:15

your marriage

38:18

overnight .

38:20

It will .

38:21

It will change things overnight

38:23

. Appreciating your spouse will

38:25

change the way you feel about them . It'll

38:27

change the way they feel about themselves and

38:30

it will change the way they feel about you

38:32

. So quickly , absolutely

38:34

, as long as we're being honest

38:37

right . We're not gonna make stuff up

38:39

Like oh .

38:41

I appreciate the Ferrari you got me .

38:43

Exactly Right , yeah yeah , we're

38:49

not gonna appreciate things that are silly . You

38:51

don't have to look very hard though . You fell

38:53

in love with this person for a reason , absolutely

38:55

there were things that you appreciated about

38:57

them , or you wouldn't have been with them , you

38:59

wouldn't have gotten married to them . Find

39:02

those things again . Remember what

39:04

it's like to be their girlfriend or be their

39:06

boyfriend . Remember what it's like to think

39:08

that they hung the moon in the stars .

39:10

That's good .

39:11

You need to find those things and

39:14

focus on those things , not the things

39:16

that annoy you .

39:17

When we meet with couples we

39:20

are marriage mentors and marriage coaches

39:22

and when we meet with couples

39:25

and they share

39:27

with us that they're struggling with

39:29

some of these feelings that they feel

39:31

unappreciated , they're

39:34

always arguing . Communication

39:37

is not where it should be . I

39:39

always tell them this that

39:41

, okay , we're meeting , it's

39:44

Thursday , we're meeting . We're gonna meet the

39:46

following Thursday and one week , from

39:49

when we leave today until

39:51

we come back , I want you to go overboard

39:54

with politeness and

39:56

using basic manners . Thank

39:58

you , no , thank you

40:00

, excuse me , sorry , please

40:03

, yes , please , all these things . Do

40:06

that for the next week and

40:09

when you come back let's see

40:11

how that's helped you . Now there's other things

40:13

that will have to be worked on , but just

40:15

doing that , invariably it makes

40:17

a difference .

40:19

Absolutely , it does every single

40:21

time . And even

40:23

if it feels weird at first , eventually

40:26

you'll just get in the habit of it right

40:28

and it will just become natural

40:30

to you and to your spouse

40:32

. It won't be forced , it won't be weird

40:34

, but you have to start somewhere .

40:36

Yeah , absolutely , and use the

40:38

words I appreciate . I

40:42

mean thank you's good , we wanna say thank you

40:44

, but not just hey , thank

40:46

you for my coffee

40:48

, or that's so generic . But

40:51

I appreciate when you

40:53

do A and B . I

40:55

appreciate you for this , I

40:58

appreciate you for that . It

41:01

will make a difference and

41:03

so , if you're struggling at all

41:05

with this , make it a habit

41:08

. Go overboard , like Jen said

41:10

. Go overboard on

41:12

politeness , go overboard with this

41:14

and it will turn into

41:16

not being overboard , but just

41:18

who you are . It's gonna

41:21

change who you are and it's gonna change

41:23

the way you communicate with your spouse . It's

41:25

gonna change the way they communicate

41:27

with you . It's gonna change everything

41:30

. And you might be thinking right

41:32

now , I don't know , try it , just

41:34

do it . I promise , do it and

41:37

you will see that it will absolutely

41:39

make a positive difference .

41:42

So true , like I said before

41:44

, we only have so many hours of our day

41:46

, all so much time to think about things

41:48

, and if we're spending that time

41:51

looking for things to appreciate

41:53

about our spouse , we don't have any time

41:55

left to think about the bad things and the

41:57

negative things .

41:59

So good . Well , we don't wanna

42:01

take up too much more of your time . We know

42:03

it's a holiday weekend , but there are a

42:05

few other things that we always like to address

42:08

at the end of every one

42:10

of our podcasts , and we love

42:12

to always have a scriptural context

42:14

with the topics that we're

42:16

talking about . So today I'm gonna be

42:18

reading the message version Philippians

42:21

4 and 8 , summing it all up

42:23

, friends , I'd say you'll

42:25

do best by filling your minds

42:28

and meditating on things

42:30

true , noble

42:33

, reputable , authentic

42:36

, compelling , gracious

42:39

. The best , Not

42:42

the worst . The beautiful

42:44

, not the ugly , things

42:47

to praise , not things

42:49

to curse , and

42:52

just straight from the scripture

42:54

think on these things . What's over things are

42:56

good . What's over things are pure . What's

42:59

over things are lovely . Think on

43:01

these . The scripture even lets us know that , and

43:04

it will absolutely

43:07

, absolutely make

43:09

a positive difference in your marriage

43:11

and in any relationship that

43:13

you have . So thank you again so

43:16

much for joining us . I hope

43:18

this episode has helped in some

43:20

way and given you some tools

43:22

to put to work Again

43:24

. Please subscribe , like

43:26

, comment , share . We'd love

43:28

to hear from you . So please

43:31

comment Again

43:33

. You can text us or call us Only

43:35

with voicemail at 747-322-1089

43:38

. You can email us at LoveWorksPodcast

43:41

, at gmailcom , or on

43:43

Facebook or Instagram

43:46

. You can direct message us and

43:48

, again , any comments , topics

43:51

, questions , we would love , love

43:54

to hear from you , and I'd like to close

43:56

out this episode

43:58

in prayer . So , dear Lord , we thank

44:00

you for this opportunity , lord . So , once

44:02

again , share this ministry

44:04

, share our hearts , lord , and share

44:07

just some brief words with

44:09

somebody , with a couple , and

44:11

hopefully , lord , I pray that something we've

44:13

said is gonna help them to have

44:16

a greater relationship with their spouse

44:18

and those around them . Lord , we thank

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you for this holiday season

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that we're entering into . Lord , I pray your blessings

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upon each and every person listening

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to this podcast , lord , and we thank you

44:29

In Jesus' precious name . We pray

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amen . So

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always remember love works

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, so let's get to work . Music

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.