0:00

If you're getting tired of the same

0:02

old Sunday routine of drinking coffee

0:04

and doom-scrolling, try something new and

0:06

listen to Offline with me, Jon Favreau. Offline

0:09

is a different kind of Sunday show, a chance

0:12

to step away from our social media-fueled news

0:14

cycles and hear smarter, lighter conversations

0:16

about all the ways that our chronically

0:19

online existence is shaping everything about

0:21

the way we interact with the world around us. So

0:24

put down your screens, grab your headphones, and

0:26

listen to new episodes of Offline every Sunday

0:28

wherever you get your podcasts.

0:43

Hello Los

0:45

Angeles! Look at this sold-out crowd.

0:51

Welcome to Love It or Leave It, Live or Else! And

0:56

to those of you who think this show is written by scabs, guess

0:58

what? It's a podcast, not a TV show, despite

1:00

my pleas to executives all over this town.

1:04

This strike is about 10,000 dweebs with final draft.

1:07

We write this shit in Google Docs and

1:10

stand in solidarity.

1:13

And what shit it is this week? We

1:17

have a great show for you tonight. Lunell is

1:19

back. And

1:22

last time she was here we tried to actually run a segment

1:24

and it fell apart, so we're just gonna ask her questions. She

1:27

may answer them. Scott Aukerman and Kyle Kinane

1:30

will play a treacherous round of Would

1:32

You Rather. And

1:33

Tig Notaro

1:35

and Todd Stashwick will get quizzed on their

1:37

Star Trek knowledge, and we hope they haven't.

1:40

You gasped. You gasped in anticipation.

1:43

And I hope Tig does

1:45

that thing, which doesn't really say anything, but is bullying

1:47

me.

1:51

Plus, hot takes. But

1:54

first, let's get into it. What a week!

2:00

And then Ron DeSantis made several stops around Iowa

2:02

last weekend, including an unscheduled visit to a

2:04

Des Moines barbecue joint after Trump canceled a

2:06

nearby rally due to a tornado watch. The

2:08

tornado never showed up, ultimately avoiding the area due

2:11

to a DeSantis watch. Speaking

2:14

of disasters, check out what happens when Ron DeSantis

2:16

interacts with a person. That was

2:18

nice. How much does that work? I don't know.

2:21

I don't know why you're talking about that.

2:24

I can't. For

2:27

those listening, I think you get a sense of it. You do

2:29

need to see the

2:29

video or have the video described to

2:32

you. He rears up

2:34

and his mouth gets so big. Like

2:37

he is being produced by some kind of an

2:40

AI that kind of understands the

2:42

facial expressions we make. And I

2:44

really appreciated this clip of Ron DeSantis

2:46

because it really, to me, helped me for the first time

2:48

begin to piece together this person because

2:51

there's all these stories about how he doesn't like

2:53

and doesn't do a good job of interacting with people

2:55

and that he's very closed off. And then

2:57

there's this public persona, which is this sort of

2:59

blustery

2:59

EPA guy from the Ghostbusters

3:02

voice thing that he's doing up here. But

3:05

that performance is what he does

3:07

because he's just so

3:10

weird and nerdy and unable

3:12

to get the interactions right. And

3:15

I say good luck to him. On

3:18

Wednesday, Donald Trump took credit for the rollback

3:20

of federal abortion rights, saying on Truth Social,

3:22

after 50 years of failure, with nobody

3:24

coming even close, I was able to kill Roe

3:27

v. Wade, much to the shock of everyone. Demanding

3:30

credit for stuff that voters hate Trump is easily

3:33

the best Trump. You know that thing where you stub your

3:35

toe really hard and it doesn't hurt right away? There's

3:37

this little gap, so you have a second just to think about how much

3:39

it's about to hurt and there's nothing you can

3:41

do about it? That was my idea. Nobody

3:43

else thought of it. I got that done. On

3:47

Thursday, George Santos communications director,

3:49

Nisa Woomer, resigned in a heated email saying,

3:51

with respect for my colleagues, the people of New

3:54

York and most importantly, myself. I

3:56

am honored to tender my resignation.

3:59

I love it. I just love this idea

4:02

that like, oh yeah, no, no, it's time for

4:04

you to do a proud statement of integrity. I

4:06

knew I wouldn't always agree with every decision

4:08

made by the Hamburglar. But I, but

4:12

out of respect for Mayor McCheese, Grimace,

4:14

McDonald's and myself, I

4:16

must resign in protest. Meanwhile,

4:20

Noelle Dumfy, a woman who says she secretly

4:22

worked for Rudy Giuliani during his time as Donald

4:24

Trump's personal lawyer, is suing the former mayor,

4:26

alleging that Giuliani sexually harassed her and

4:28

demanded sexual favors. I

4:31

don't know. There's something fishy about this story. The Rudy

4:33

Giuliani I know wouldn't have done all that stuff without

4:35

butt-diling three reporters into an accidental

4:38

conference call. It's

4:40

all lies, said Rudy Giuliani, sweating so

4:42

many rivulets of hair dye that he nearly drowned

4:44

on dry land. Giuliani

4:48

denied the accusation by pointing out that he and Dumfy

4:50

aren't even cousins.

4:51

Dumfy alleges

4:54

that Giuliani made sexist, racist and anti-Semitic

4:57

remarks during confused and hostile alcohol-laced

5:00

tirades. The lawsuit claims that one of these

5:02

anti-Semitic comments was about Passover, with

5:04

Giuliani quoted as saying, Get

5:07

over Passover. It was like 3,000 years ago. The

5:12

Red Sea parted. Big deal. It's

5:15

not the first time that has happened.

5:18

Not very Never Forget of You Rudy.

5:25

It's pretty funny. Get

5:27

over Passover is funny. According

5:31

to the suit, Giuliani also discussed attempting to

5:33

sell presidential pardons for $2 million. You

5:35

might be wondering, isn't selling pardons illegal?

5:38

Not if you have $2 million. Say

5:41

what you will about Giuliani, but he's a multitasker. He's

5:43

opening his trench coat to fish out some contraband

5:45

pardons, and in the very same motion, he's flashing his

5:47

junk at an employee. A true Renaissance

5:50

man. Former Olympic

5:52

figure skating gold medalist Sarah Hughes has filed

5:54

to run for Congress on

5:55

Long Island as a Democrat. If elected,

5:57

Hughes would become the second Olympic skater in congressional

5:59

history.

5:59

joining 1998 Nagato ice-dancing

6:02

champion George Santos. John

6:05

Durham. John Durham, the

6:07

Trump era special counsel, has issued a... There

6:10

needs to be a name for that kind of joke because

6:12

it is 100% hacky. Everyone

6:16

does it. I've done it. Over

6:19

and over again. Never

6:21

fucking fails. It's

6:24

the Cheesecake Factory of jokes. You know what I mean? John

6:28

Durham, the Trump era special counsel, has issued

6:29

a report criticizing the FBI for investigating

6:32

links between the Trump campaign and Russia in 2016, nearly

6:35

four years after Trump's attorney general, Bill Barr, tapped

6:37

him to lead the probe. Durham's investigation

6:39

cost taxpayers more than $6.5 million,

6:42

but failed to deliver on the promise of nefarious deep

6:44

state dealings to destroy Trump from the inside. Of

6:47

course, that hasn't stopped conservatives from pretending the

6:49

report is a smoking gun. Here's Alabama

6:51

Senator Tommy Tuberville. If people don't

6:53

go to jail for this, American people should

6:56

just stand up and say, listen, enough's enough.

6:58

Let's don't have elections anymore.

6:59

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tommy, wait, wait.

7:02

What? Let's take him at his

7:04

word. We found some things that we don't like happening

7:07

inside the Justice Department. Let's do a junta?

7:09

What are you talking about? This is why

7:11

in Crimson Tide, Denzel Washington also has a

7:14

key. There's always somebody

7:16

way too ready to press the red button. You know what I mean?

7:19

Goes right to junta. Zero

7:21

to junta in five seconds. I

7:24

just want to say junta.

7:27

President Biden and congressional leaders said they felt

7:29

optimistic about reaching a deal to raise the debt ceiling.

7:32

Meanwhile, Senator John Federman said if a proposal

7:34

pushes people into poverty, he can't support it in good

7:36

conscience. And he has allies, as Dianne

7:39

Feinstein also cannot support it in good conscience

7:41

or consciousness. Sam

7:44

Altman, the CEO of OpenAI, testified

7:46

before a Senate subcommittee on Tuesday and urged lawmakers

7:48

to regulate AI technology. I

7:51

for one see merit in regulating the terrifying,

7:53

potentially omniscient power of artificial intelligence,

7:55

said Altman, sweat pouring down his face. For example,

7:57

it's power to trick a tech CEO into a world of AI.

7:59

locking his genitals into a saw-like contraption,

8:02

controlled by AI, forcing him to do its unholy

8:04

bidding. On

8:07

Tuesday, California Senator Dianne Feinstein

8:09

seemed to not recall her two-and-a-half-month absence

8:11

from Washington, insisting to a reporter, No,

8:14

I've been here. I've been voting. Please, you either

8:16

know or don't know. At least we

8:18

finally have an answer to the age-old question, what if

8:20

the notebook were a horror movie? I

8:23

blame the reporters for asking

8:25

her these gotcha questions when they knew she

8:27

couldn't see a mirror to reference all her upper-body

8:30

reminder tattoos. And

8:34

on Thursday, the New York Times reported that Feinstein

8:36

is significantly more unwell than previously known,

8:39

which is why we're sending four gay guys and

8:41

one loud non-binary person to give her life

8:43

a complete makeover.

8:50

According to the Times and her contracting

8:52

shingles, Feinstein developed facial paralysis

8:54

known as Ramsey-Hund syndrome as well as encephalitis

8:56

or swelling of the brain. In other words, Dianne

8:59

Feinstein's brain is bigger than ever. Now quit

9:01

being sexist and help me lift her voting arm.

9:07

Just ten more.

9:12

Governor Greg Gianforte of Montana signed

9:14

legislation this week that would ban TikTok in the

9:16

state, saying it'll protect Montana's

9:19

private data and sensitive personal information

9:21

for being harvested by the Chinese Communist Party.

9:24

Oh no, what will China do without access

9:26

to the sensitive internet histories of Montana?

9:28

It's like, best cowboy hat to wear to an interview,

9:31

or diners that let you smoke inside,

9:33

or buffalo getting married, full video.

9:37

Democrat Donna Deegan was elected mayor

9:40

of the city of Jacksonville, Florida, overturning what

9:44

was formerly the most populous city with a Republican

9:46

mayorship. That title now belongs to New York.

9:49

Colorado

9:54

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert has filed for divorce

9:56

from her husband, Jason Boebert. The why is

9:58

silent.

9:59

Are you picturing it? It's

10:02

Jason,

10:03

and there's a why. According

10:06

to a Colorado process server, Boebert's husband

10:08

was drinking beer out of a glass and cleaning a gun

10:10

when he arrived and became enraged when handed

10:12

the divorce papers. Boebert, of course, is best

10:14

known for getting arrested for exposing himself to a

10:16

minor at a bowling alley in 2004. And

10:19

now, he's dating Marjorie Taylor Greene.

10:22

This season is gonna fucking rule. A

10:26

15-year-old high school student in Missouri was suspended

10:28

after she filmed her geometry teacher repeatedly

10:30

saying the N-word. Geometry

10:33

teacher. Do you know how pathologically

10:35

committed to saying the N-word you have to be to fit

10:37

it into geometry? English

10:40

history. You can read Huckleberry Finn.

10:42

You can quote some Civil War general. You've got options.

10:45

This guy's starting point was Soka Toa. The

10:50

World Health Organization is warned against using artificial

10:53

sweeteners, saying that long-term use could pose various

10:55

health risks. When I read this story, I was so shocked

10:57

I almost knocked over my Diet Coke IV stand.

11:00

Shut up, WHO. Absolute

11:02

fucking nerds. Remember when you said masks

11:04

were just for doctors and fags? Eat shit. I

11:09

don't believe any of this. I'd love to hear

11:11

the genius of the WHO explain how I,

11:13

a man composed of 80% Diet Coke, only

11:15

feel medium-bad most of the time. The

11:19

WHO added, that doesn't mean you should switch to

11:22

sugar. Instead, they recommended diet with less

11:24

sweetness. I know the WHO means well,

11:26

but I'm obviously not going to switch to black coffee

11:28

like I'm suddenly Columbo or something. Three

11:31

days of that, and I'll be arrested for trespassing to

11:33

suck on strangers hummingbird feeders.

11:38

Elon Musk this week doubled down on

11:40

his false claim that there's no proof that the Alan

11:42

Texas mass shooter was a white supremacist in an

11:44

interview with CNBC saying this. It was,

11:47

I think, incorrectly described to be a

11:49

white supremacist action. And

11:51

the evidence for that was

11:53

some obscure Russian website that

11:55

no one's ever heard of that had no followers.

11:58

And the company that found that was a white supremacist And the reason I found

12:00

this is Bellingcat. And

12:02

you know what Bellingcat does? Sci-ops.

12:08

In reality, law enforcement investigators have confirmed

12:11

that the shooter posted neo-Nazi content, had swastika

12:13

and SS tattoos, and ascribed to Nazi views. Here's

12:16

what I'll

12:17

say about all of this. There is a Tesla outside

12:20

this theater. The key is in it. Just

12:23

make it go away. Please.

12:27

I can't take it anymore. You

12:30

try to drive by the writers and hunk,

12:32

you think you're doing a fucking Nazi salute out there.

12:35

They don't want, they don't want hunks from a Tesla.

12:38

They're not the hunks they want. Sucks

12:41

ass. Musk

12:44

also tweeted this week that George Soros,

12:46

who recently dumped all of his Tesla stock, hates

12:48

humanity and reminds him of Magneto. When

12:52

asked about those tweets in that interview with CNBC, Musk

12:54

denied that his comments were based on antisemitism, adding

12:57

this. Definitely, I'm like a pro-Semite, if anything.

13:01

Elon added, I love Jews, I hurry them all the time. There's

13:04

a couple right off camera going like this. For

13:12

those

13:13

at home, I made the cut it out hand gesture. Martha Stewart is on

13:15

the cover of this year's Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue,

13:18

becoming the oldest swimsuit model in the magazine's

13:20

history at age 81. The oldest until,

13:22

yeah. The

13:24

oldest until the age of 18. The

13:27

oldest until now, said Dianne Feinstein. Striding

13:32

onto the Senate floor. Striding

13:35

onto the Senate floor in a bikini, invoking for

13:37

the C-SPAN cameras as her staff raced after

13:39

her with a big net. Can,

13:42

to promote his new film, Johnny

13:44

Depp was asked by a reporter

13:45

what he thinks of people who say he shouldn't be at

13:48

the film festival. Depp said this. What

13:51

if one day, they

13:54

did not allow me, under

13:56

no circumstances, no matter what? that

14:00

cannot go to McDonald's

14:04

for life. Because

14:09

somewhere, if you

14:11

got them all in one room, there'd

14:15

be 39 angry people watching

14:17

me eat a Big Mac on

14:19

a loop. Just

14:23

for fun.

14:27

Who are they? Why do they care? Some

14:31

kind of, some species, some

14:33

tower of mashed

14:35

potatoes covering

14:41

the light of a computer screen, anonymous

14:45

with apparently a lot

14:47

of spare time.

14:50

I don't think I'm the one who should be worried. I

14:54

think people should really think about

14:58

what it's all about really.

15:02

I'm loving it.

15:10

What the fuck was that? Gotta

15:13

know you can get that question. Is

15:15

there like a PR person on screen being like, nailed it

15:17

buddy? You got it

15:19

boss. Issue

15:23

resolved. I

15:26

think where he went wrong

15:29

is I think you can't talk about

15:33

McDonald's which evokes fries and

15:35

then make the people watching you at the McDonald's

15:38

mashed potatoes, among

15:41

other places. Where he went

15:43

wrong.

15:44

Two people were arrested in South Carolina

15:46

on Mother's Day after one of them dropped 1500 grams

15:48

of cocaine out of a fake pregnancy belly. Congratulations,

15:52

it's a felony. A

15:54

Colorado driver who was pulled over for speeding

15:56

tried to switch seats with his dog to avoid being arrested

15:59

for drunk driving.

15:59

And it would have worked too

16:02

if the dog hadn't been absolutely blasted.

16:06

A volunteer officer with the LAPD fell

16:08

to the ground and was stung by bees over a dozen

16:11

times while responding to a call about a large swarm

16:13

plaguing an Encino neighborhood.

16:16

They should have sent a SWAT

16:18

team.

16:26

I just need to know. What's

16:28

the plan here? Why did the LAPD

16:31

send a cop? Later on, they

16:33

did send bee removal experts, so

16:35

they knew there

16:36

was somebody they should call.

16:39

So was the cop going to shoot the bees? Furthermore,

16:43

what did the volunteer cop expect to happen?

16:45

He didn't have gloves or a hat or long sleeves.

16:48

Before you get on me and say, well, maybe they didn't

16:50

know I have all the information, but if someone

16:53

calls you and says there are bees, you have

16:55

all the information. Also,

16:59

the cool thing about bees is when there are

17:01

a lot of them, they let you know. By

17:05

famously buzzing. Also,

17:08

what's a volunteer cop?

17:13

Anyway, shout out to bees, the

17:15

cops of the bug world. When

17:17

asked for comment, the LAPD said the bees had a gun.

17:21

Now it is head

17:23

writer, Halle Keeper's birthday.

17:27

Halle, would you mind joining us on stage?

17:30

Hi, Halle. In

17:34

honor of your birthday, we

17:36

have three jokes on cards for you

17:38

to read to everyone. Happy

17:40

birthday, Halle. Thank you. I

17:42

don't

17:42

know what these are. Okay. Oh, brother.

17:46

Well, fair enough. And by the way, Halle's parents

17:48

are in the house. Yes. Hi,

17:50

Aunt Eden. All right. Well,

17:52

these are barely jokes, but okay.

17:56

Diane Feinstein seemed to downplay or

17:58

forget she was ever absent. from the Senate. This

18:01

is a shit you can get away with when you're so fucking

18:03

hot. And that's

18:05

the truth, Bob. Okay. Yeah, like

18:07

that's not a joke. It's just my delivery. You know what

18:10

I mean? Wow. Okay. Earlier

18:13

this week, Elon Musk said that George Soros

18:15

hates humanity and reminds him of Magneto, which

18:18

many took to be anti-Semitic. Cancel culture

18:21

has gone too far. What's next? I

18:23

can't as a joke, throw a gold

18:25

coin down the hallway at work

18:28

to see if Lovett will chase it. Oh

18:32

my God. I'm from Ohio

18:34

and that's how we pass the time. As

18:39

a queer woman, let me say the woke police

18:41

have gone too far. That's a truth, Bob.

18:44

Okay. And finally,

18:46

a spokesman for Prince Harry and

18:48

Meghan Markle claim they were in a two hour car

18:50

chase with the paparazzi. But NYPD

18:53

said it was Harley a chase who are going to believe

18:55

a bunch of serial exaggerators are

18:58

the NYPD. And

18:58

that's a truth, Bob. Right there. I

19:01

either wrote or cosign every

19:03

diet fight scene joke. I'm

19:05

sorry. She has encephalitis. We got to get her out of

19:07

there. Okay. Allie Keefer, everybody.

19:10

Thank you. You're

19:12

doing great, sweetie. Get out of here. And

19:15

finally, the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile has been

19:18

renamed the Frankmobile and the vehicle's

19:20

Wiener Whistles will now be known as Frank Whistles.

19:23

In a related story, the fast food chain Wiener

19:25

Snitzel has been renamed, you guessed it,

19:27

penis meat depot. When

19:30

we come back, Lunelle

19:32

is here. And we're

19:38

back.

19:41

The last time she was on Lovett or Leavett, we quizzed

19:43

our next guest on the very specific details of last

19:45

summer's celebrity jet scandal. Drake's

19:48

flight length, flight length, specific quantities of carbon

19:50

emissions produced by Taylor Swift's plane, the whole shebang.

19:52

And our next guest really refused to embrace the premise of the

19:54

segment and took over the show completely. So

19:57

now we're just going to do whatever. Please welcome back

19:59

to the show, Lunelle.

19:59

No. Woooo! Woooo!

20:02

Woooo! Woooo! Woooo!

20:05

Come on. How you doing? Good.

20:07

Hi everybody. Woooo! Woooo!

20:10

No, no, it's me. I'm hi everybody.

20:12

Ha ha ha ha

20:14

ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Hi.

20:17

Hi.

20:18

Hi. Very. Ha ha. Ha

20:20

ha. Ha ha. When you were on this show last

20:23

time. Yeah. Did you have any idea

20:25

what it was? No, I still don't really

20:27

know what the fuck's going on. Do

20:30

you think that that's why you introduced yourself

20:32

to me backstage?

20:34

Yeah, that's probably why.

20:38

I forgot, it's been a while. Okay,

20:40

it meant a lot to me. Well, clearly.

20:47

All right. Here's

20:49

the deal. Okay. I just want to get your take

20:51

on some stuff.

20:52

I'm basically going to go until Malcolm or Brian says we have

20:54

to stop. Okay. That's it.

20:56

Okay. Oh, and this is a segment we're calling

20:58

Show and Lunel. All right. What

21:02

do you think about Taylor Swift potentially dating Matt

21:04

Healy? Who's Matt Healy? He's

21:08

the lead singer of a band called The 1975. Okay,

21:11

so he's nobody.

21:15

What do I think about Taylor Swift dating

21:17

a nobody? Sure,

21:19

if that's how you want to interpret the question. I think

21:22

that Taylor is always looking for love

21:24

and inspiration in her songs. And

21:27

that, you know, every breakup, she make a million

21:29

dollars after everybody

21:31

should break up. Where's your make a million dollars?

21:34

You write a song about him. So I

21:36

say, go Taylor, do your thing girl.

21:40

Taylor Swift manages to

21:42

be a slut, but not look like one.

21:48

She looks so innocent,

21:50

but she be straight giving up that

21:52

pussy though.

21:55

Sorry, Taylor. Sorry, Taylor.

22:00

Should Google delete accounts that have been inactive

22:02

for two years, like Gmail and YouTube?

22:05

Yes. Makes

22:07

more space for my OnlyFans pictures.

22:12

Not smart. For $9.99,

22:15

you can get your life changed, baby. And

22:20

I'm having the clearance sale. Getting

22:23

ready for my summer beach body nudes,

22:25

you know? It would

22:27

definitely change my life.

22:31

Next. Are

22:34

you gonna see The New Little Mermaid? Should Disney make these

22:36

live-action remakes, and which one should they do next? I

22:39

absolutely, positively want

22:41

to see The Little Mermaid, but due

22:44

to my schedule and things, I don't

22:46

really have a lot of time to go to the movie theater, and if I

22:48

send a cold, dark room, I have to be still. I'm

22:51

going to sleep. And

22:53

I don't want to go to sleep on The Little Mermaid. So

22:55

if I get a chance to see it, I fully support

22:57

it. I can't wait to see it. It looks beautiful. And

23:00

what was the other question?

23:01

What other animated Disney movies would you

23:03

want to see as live-action? Well, they already

23:06

did Popeye. Maybe

23:08

The Jetsons. Sure.

23:13

Yeah. Maybe The Motherfucking Jetsons

23:15

have always been ahead of daytime. That

23:18

means they had a maid, Rosie, the robot.

23:21

Do you remember how old did these motherfuckers?

23:24

Anyway, moving on. Sorry.

23:27

No. I'm thinking about it. Jetsons.

23:30

Jetsons.

23:30

They've already done the Flintstones. Remember

23:33

the Flintstones with Rosie O'Donnell and John Goodman?

23:36

And Halle Berry. And Halle Berry. All

23:39

right. You now have to make a very important decision. Okay.

23:42

You're the deciding vote. This has been a tie

23:44

score on the internet all week. I'm the deciding vote?

23:47

You're the deciding vote for our society. Crusher,

23:49

wait a minute. You can handle it. Okay, come

23:51

on. Bring it. Who's

23:54

hotter, Young Al Pacino or Young Rob Bertoneira? We

23:56

have photos for your reference. Oh,

23:58

wow.

23:59

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, everybody

24:02

spoke now, wait a minute. Everybody give it a second,

24:04

give it a goddamn second. Oh. Right.

24:07

Because Pacino got that swag

24:10

though, and when he was young he was

24:12

a straight thug, and I love

24:14

that shit. And he's still

24:16

a fucking boss, you know?

24:18

And Al Pacino

24:20

was a beast and a monster,

24:23

and so passionate he was fine too. Oh

24:25

shit, my nipples is getting hard talking about. Hey,

24:29

don't give that up. Down, down girl, down. So

24:31

it's a charge for that. Oh my God. I

24:34

don't want to give that away. So I'm the determining

24:36

factor. Yeah, you gotta decide.

24:38

Well, I'm gonna

24:40

have to just give it to the boss. I'm

24:42

gonna give it to De Niro. Yeah. I

24:46

got to. Al Pacino

24:48

followed in his footsteps. De Niro didn't follow

24:50

in his.

24:51

Interesting, interesting. Facts. Okay. So

24:53

I have to give it to the boss. I want to see what the

24:55

crowd thinks. All right, don't over- What the fuck you

24:57

told me I was determined

24:59

to- Fuck what they think.

25:01

Do you want to know what they think? Not what he asked

25:03

them. Shit. I'm sorry,

25:05

I didn't mean to offend you. I'm good,

25:07

go ahead. Let's see what they're talking about. All right, how many

25:09

people say Pacino?

25:13

How many people say De Niro? But

25:18

they both, I smashed either one

25:20

of them back there. Who the heck

25:22

a Bo get it? What do you think

25:24

about AI? You worried about it? No. Not

25:29

at all? No. You

25:35

don't think it's going to take all the jobs? No. Robots

25:39

will never be able to be barbers. They'll

25:42

never be able to cut me in tears. You're going to always

25:44

need a human to do that. Sure, okay,

25:46

that's one job. That's one job.

25:50

Yeah, but it's a job every motherfucking need

25:52

though. It's a really good point. It's a really

25:54

good point. Okay.

25:55

And funeral directors.

26:00

Robots will never be able to do that. Yeah, you need

26:02

a person. That's a sensitive, you need a person in that moment.

26:05

You don't wanna see a robot.

26:06

Brazilian wax technician. I

26:10

don't want a robot doing that. I don't need a human. I

26:13

think it's cool that you went to Brazilian

26:15

wax technician before pilot.

26:17

Well, you

26:20

asked me. I know, I- For

26:22

shit. And pilots.

26:26

Actually, pilots don't fly the plane now.

26:29

Facts. Did

26:33

y'all know that? Did y'all know they be

26:35

up there bullshitting and the plane

26:37

be on cruise control. I

26:41

fly all the time. I know all this shit. I

26:45

currently drive, hopefully for a limited

26:47

time, Tesla.

26:47

And it's

26:50

cool. It drives itself on the highways. It doesn't

26:52

hit, barely hits anything. You

26:55

know, it basically can recognize almost

26:57

everything. Almost. And that's the cool thing about

26:59

it. What about the human form? Could it

27:01

recognize that? Most of the time.

27:05

And that's all you need.

27:08

What do you think happens when we die? I

27:13

hope to never find out. That's cool. No

27:20

clue. I thought I hoped you knew.

27:23

No, I don't know, baby. Damn.

27:26

I'll ask other people. All

27:29

right, we're gonna open this up. You can ask Lenelle

27:31

one question. Just one? And

27:33

all these motherfucking. Or you mean one

27:36

question per person. Nod,

27:39

we're not gonna go.

27:40

I'm like one motherfucking question. Look

27:42

at all these goddamn people. Hi

27:44

everybody. Awesome.

27:49

Let's go. What they do, raise their

27:51

hand. Hi, what's your name and what's your question? Hi,

27:54

my name is Emma. And my question is, you

27:56

know it's your last meal. What are you eating? Well,

27:59

I'm not watching. my weight or my blood pressure,

28:01

so... This my

28:04

last meal. Probably...

28:06

I really love gumbo, if

28:08

you know what gumbo is. Probably

28:12

gumbo with some bacon on the side.

28:14

Ha ha ha ha ha! And,

28:18

like, you know, mashed potatoes. I mean, I'm fixing

28:20

to die, right? So... Yeah. Go

28:22

and give it all. Yeah, I want some mashed potatoes

28:24

and shit. You know?

28:26

Lots of... all kinds of shit. Nice.

28:30

What's yours, love? What is mine? God,

28:33

is it just fast food? Am I that disgusting?

28:36

Come on, don't do that. Don't do that. It's

28:38

just like the last meal I'm gonna get on this beautiful

28:40

planet. No, it's bouncy. And I'm like, Oh,

28:43

I guess a... I guess a chalupa. But

28:45

steak. Which

28:48

is more. Well, not something like your grandma used to make

28:50

or some of your mom... The thing is, I could... It's

28:53

Jewish food. And so it's like... It's

28:55

like, no, I don't want to dry brisket

28:57

before I say goodbye. I just got latke.

29:00

I don't want a latke. I want french fries.

29:03

Thank you for

29:03

knowing my culture. Yeah. Because

29:06

I eat... I eat off the trucks in New York.

29:08

Oh, yeah. They got a... They got a quinich...

29:11

Square, not a round. I don't like the round. Oh, I'm gonna fuck with...

29:14

shape it in. Actually,

29:16

I like them.

29:17

Full of carbs. Kill you. But

29:19

they're good. Hi, what's your name and

29:22

what is your question? Hi, my name's Marcela.

29:24

I'm gonna follow the same format of the previous

29:26

question. If you could teach a

29:29

high school class for a day, what would you teach

29:31

and what would you teach Gen Z?

29:33

Well, that's two different questions.

29:38

If I could teach anything to

29:41

any class of any

29:44

age,

29:45

it would be independence

29:49

and self-worth and

29:53

tolerance and

29:56

humor.

30:00

If I could teach Gen

30:03

Z anything, it

30:07

would probably be to shut

30:10

the fuck up and

30:13

do what the fuck I said. I

30:16

would probably teach them that. And

30:20

a little bit about respect because

30:22

you motherfuckers are just

30:24

mad disrespectful, most of

30:26

you, not all of you. No, it's really

30:28

not funny. It's really fucked

30:31

up because I just believe in,

30:34

you don't have the right to talk

30:36

to older folk the way that

30:39

some of y'all are talking to older folk. You

30:41

don't have that right.

30:42

It's your motherfucking parents fucking and put their

30:44

foot in your ass. Have you been raised in my motherfucking

30:46

house and put my foot in your ass? You wouldn't be talking

30:49

about nothing. God damn, if you'd be your motherfucking

30:51

ass, what the fuck I would do? Never

30:53

would be your motherfucking face of shit.

30:56

Now, do you think that as, I try to be as

30:59

a member of Gen Z, someone who is respectful.

31:05

I try to put my best foot forward on behalf

31:07

of my generation. Generation

31:10

Z. As

31:12

someone

31:12

who was born and has no recollection

31:14

of 9-11. I was taught

31:16

about 9-11 when I was an older child, something

31:19

that took place a long time ago. In

31:21

the same way that like my friends went to law school and at the

31:23

end of it, they have to like study for the bar and find

31:26

out what the law actually is because they spent three years

31:28

like learning about philosophical nonsense. I

31:30

think it is crazy that you graduate high school in this country

31:32

and then you find out what taxes are. They should

31:34

teach about taxes. It's fucking

31:36

nuts. The fact that you graduate

31:39

and you have no idea how finance

31:41

works, that is some bullshit.

31:42

God damn it. I

31:44

agree with that. Now we on the same page with that.

31:47

Well, that's a great place to leave it. It is. Give

31:50

it up for Lunell, she'll be

31:51

back. Check

31:53

out her

31:53

website. She's headed to a sitting

31:55

interview. When we come back, would you rather?

31:58

Yeah. Hey,

32:00

don't go anywhere. There's more of Love It or Leave It

32:02

coming up.

32:05

Hi folks, it's me, Chris Gethard, and I host

32:07

Beautiful Anonymous. Every week I talk

32:09

to one anonymous person on the phone for an hour. Sometimes

32:12

it's funny, sometimes it's inspirational, it gets heartbreaking,

32:14

it gets dark, all of the above. I've

32:17

talked to somebody who found love in a mental hospital. Talked

32:19

to a woman who's about to turn herself over to federal

32:21

authorities, a mother waiting on the results of her

32:23

daughter's cancer diagnosis, so many more.

32:26

Look out for a new episode of Beautiful Anonymous every

32:28

Tuesday. Listen and subscribe to Beautiful Anonymous

32:31

on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, the SiriusXM

32:33

app, or your favorite podcast

32:35

app. Curiosity

32:37

pushes you forward, leading to new discoveries.

32:41

Mayomi uses the best that coastal California

32:43

has to offer, which has resulted in wines

32:45

that taste like no other. Enjoy

32:47

the bold flavors of Mayomi Pinot Noir,

32:49

Cabernet Sauvignon, Red Blend, and Mayomi

32:52

Bright, Mayomi's new lower alcohol

32:54

Pinot Noir.

32:55

Discover the unrivaled taste of Mayomi

32:57

at shopmayomi.com. That's shop,

32:59

M-E-I-O-M-I.com. Mayomi,

33:02

flavor forward. Please enjoy responsibly,

33:05

Mayomi Wines at Campo, California.

33:09

So many options for toilet paper. Quintuple

33:12

ply? This roll is titanium enforced? This

33:14

one is made from elderly trees? Is that

33:16

good? Just grab Angel Soft. It's simple,

33:19

soft, and strong, and for any budget. Angel

33:22

Soft, soft and strong, simple. And

33:26

we're back. Welcome to the stage to the funniest

33:28

people who we have booked tonight.

33:31

The incredible Kyle Kinnade and the uproarious Scott Aukerman.

33:34

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

33:36

Woo! Woo! Hi. Hi. You're

33:38

raising the roof over here. Hi. Hi, how are

33:40

you? John, so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thanks

33:43

for being here. Hi, how are you? Hi, hi. Oh, the title of

33:45

the show is right there. It's right there, so you never forget

33:47

where you are. It's right there. It's right there.

33:50

It's right there. It's right there. It's right there. It's

33:52

right there. It's right there. So you never forget where you are.

33:54

Hey, doing good. Yes,

33:57

I'm doing good. Less of a question, more of a statement.

33:59

I haven't been a part of this. I've been part of show business for about

34:01

four or five years now. So,

34:05

I wanted to establish that. He

34:08

got his bit of rapport in with you. I just want to let

34:10

you know. I don't know why I'm here. Thanks

34:13

for letting us know. When

34:16

Brendan Fraser was on the press tour

34:18

for the movie The Whale, he

34:20

kind of had this energy, like he was a make-a-wish kid,

34:22

you know? Like, you know what I

34:24

mean? Like, he was like, I can't believe this is happening to me. Even

34:28

though you're not in the business anymore, I

34:30

like that appreciation has just

34:32

immediately gone to

34:33

a child with cancer. It can't

34:36

just be grateful. It's like, no, there has

34:38

to be some dire consequences. But

34:42

no, that's cool. What you said was cool. I'm

34:46

ready. I would rather answer

34:48

these questions. Well,

34:51

I think we're off to a great start. I like it. All right,

34:53

well, today we're doing a round of Would You Rather,

34:56

based on a famous comedy bang-bang segment.

34:59

Well, it's not even based on it. It is it.

35:01

We've taken it. Oh, you've stolen

35:03

it. I don't get to do it anymore? No,

35:06

you could keep doing it. Oh, okay. It's

35:08

like stealing IP.

35:09

Oh, great. Yes, yes, I've done that. Did

35:11

you see

35:13

the Supreme Court said that you can't use a picture

35:15

of Andy Warhol or something? You

35:18

sort of got it right. I would

35:21

rather there was more explanation for that statement.

35:24

Thanks, Kyle. All right. All

35:26

right. I'm going to present a Would You Rather. Okay. All

35:29

right. Now,

35:30

is this Would You Rather Have Sex With

35:32

Kyle or me? Is that what? Because

35:34

I feel like we're... I would rather have a say in if

35:36

Who's Gonna Have Sex With Me. Wow.

35:40

This is really more of a game about consent. We sign

35:42

consent for us. Yeah, you got to... You sign

35:44

those papers. You didn't read. They're consent forms

35:46

for a reason. Oh, no. There's so much tiny

35:48

print. All right.

35:51

First, Would You Rather? Here we go.

35:54

Nice.

35:55

Would you rather... Would you rather... Nice. Nice.

35:59

Thank you.

35:59

Way to go, Malcolm. That's... Here

36:03

it is. Would you rather run Herschel Walker's

36:05

next campaign or eat nothing

36:08

but Manhattan clam chowder for every

36:10

meal for the rest of your life? That's

36:14

the red one. That's the red one. That's

36:16

the red one. That's the red one. It's the red one,

36:18

everybody. What is his next campaign for? Uh, it is

36:21

for President of the United States. For President,

36:23

really? Yeah. Just leapfrogging

36:25

right there. Well, you know, up or out. That's how he thinks

36:28

about it. Okay. And how long do those

36:30

normally take? It's two years. Two

36:33

years. Two years. And the rest of my life

36:35

is how long? Well,

36:38

it actually depends on the answer, because if you're living

36:40

off nothing but Manhattan clam chowder, it's about 30 days.

36:43

It's not that long. I

36:45

would rather... Because then if you're running

36:47

his campaign, you can make him

36:49

eat Manhattan clam chowder until

36:52

he becomes president. So therefore you've

36:54

alley-ooped eating Manhattan clam chowder

36:56

for the rest of Herschel Walker's life.

36:58

Right. When you run a campaign,

37:00

you can make the candidate do whatever they

37:02

want, right? Yeah. You

37:05

can just decide that they're gonna eat a kind of soup.

37:07

I'm just saying he's pretty dumb. You

37:09

should eat this soup

37:11

every day, because then people are like, oh,

37:13

if we don't make him president, he's gonna keep eating that

37:15

soup. And he'll believe that. Right.

37:18

Right. I just think that

37:20

like... That's interesting to me that

37:22

that's the sabotage you went for. When

37:25

you have all the arsenal of being the campaign manager

37:27

at your disposal, and you're like, no, no, no. My

37:29

way of destroying this man will be food-based. Well,

37:31

I'm working with what you just gave me.

37:34

I believe it's called improv. It's

37:37

similar to the Ron DeSantis, Puddin' Fingers thing,

37:39

where if it gets out there that he's the

37:41

Manhattan

37:42

clam chowder guy, he looks like a weirdo. Even

37:45

a little more than he is right now. What's Puddin' Fingers?

37:50

Have you never done a Puddin' Fingers? You've

37:53

been in a relationship for... Do

37:56

I do a Puddin'... Or does a Puddin' Fingers happen

37:59

to me?

37:59

You you signed the consent form

38:02

before you came out here What's

38:05

the pudding fingers? Well,

38:07

it's if you sort of it's sort of embarrassing to ask

38:09

Well, we're already

38:11

there okay, I would rather know

38:14

what pudding fingers was before this game

38:16

started but here we are I'm

38:19

with him. Yeah. Well just so you just so

38:21

it turns out that Rhonda Sanchez ate pudding

38:23

with his fingers on a private jet Three

38:25

fingers three fingers. That's not it at all. I'm assuming

38:28

these three It's I went to

38:30

these I went to these but I don't know it could I

38:32

think you could have a thumb in there Maybe he's doing

38:34

these. It's not like is he doing the spider-man?

38:38

Could be doing the spider-man. Hey Kyle

38:40

quick question for you. You're on a plane. You've been

38:42

handed some pudding Yeah, you can use

38:44

three fingers and nothing else. Which three fingers are you? Going

38:48

to use

38:49

Sure What

38:53

a hack Life hack Thank

38:59

you for life back. It's life. Alright, I'm gonna need an answer.

39:01

I gotta go with a campaign I mean,

39:03

I want to eat that for the rest of my life It'd

39:07

be funny to hang out with that guy right? I don't know.

39:09

Yeah. No sure. Do you get oyster crackers

39:12

with the soup? Yes,

39:14

of course. We're not I asked that. Yeah, we're not

39:16

gonna we're not we're not cruel You

39:19

gotta cover the angles,

39:19

you know a part of being an important campaign

39:22

manager is knowing all the angle Gotta know the you gotta

39:24

know the angles what comes with it. What did you pick? I

39:27

wanted to run his campaign but to make him eat the

39:29

soup All

39:32

right, well that is your answer next

39:34

one Here we go.

39:36

Hmm. Would you rather? At

39:40

some point today you went into a room and recorded

39:42

those Great

39:46

all water sounds to you like Donald Trump

39:48

giving a speech

39:50

At a rally so like your brooks your rivers showers

39:52

toilets waterfall rain it's all Trump

39:55

or you never have to hear Trump's

39:57

voice ever again, but Once

40:00

a day at a random time, Rudy Giuliani

40:02

jumps out to starle you and you never know where

40:05

or when it's gonna be and

40:08

he leaves behind a little mess wherever

40:10

he was hiding.

40:13

When you say he leaves behind a little

40:15

mess, that's where I had the questions too.

40:18

We're talking Viagra Rudy here. I

40:22

think that it's not always the same mess. It's just

40:24

what would happen to Rudy Giuliani? It's not always

40:26

the same mess. So it's indicative

40:29

of how he jumps out, where he jumps out. It's where he is,

40:31

right? If it's the trunk of your car, it's gonna be different than if

40:33

it's your home closet. Oh, he's in the trunk of my car occasionally.

40:38

It's wherever he is. The mess

40:40

is its actual situation, right? It's like

40:42

how long has he been stuck

40:43

there? What did he eat? What didn't

40:46

he eat? What did his body do? Yeah,

40:49

this situation turned it like it started

40:51

benign, but it got so much more sinister

40:54

with the mess question. How much are

40:56

you around water?

40:58

That's running. I was just handicapping

41:00

that. You could switch

41:02

to drinking something else. Is

41:05

it all water, like vitamin water? Yeah,

41:08

what about water with supplements? That's a really good

41:10

question. I think as the waterness

41:12

drops, as the qualities of

41:14

something you would describe to it as being water, as that

41:17

drops the sound. The percentages. Yeah, well,

41:19

not even the percentages.

41:21

It gets quieter. It gets

41:23

quieter. So for example, I think that

41:25

a Perrier with a lemon, it's there.

41:28

It's there, but it's not shouting. A shower

41:30

out of control. What about condensation

41:33

on a humid day? Well, you can't really hear

41:35

that normally. But it's water? Sure.

41:38

But have you thought about this question? Yes.

41:40

I would rather you thought about these questions a little

41:42

more before coming at me hot like

41:44

this. What about

41:46

steam?

41:47

What if I'm making some noodles? Well,

41:51

yeah, I mean, if you're making noodles, the water's boiling.

41:53

If it's making steam. OK, so you're hearing little

41:55

bubbly trumps. Yeah. Little bubble trumps?

41:59

Little bubble trumps.

41:59

Bubble drums I think that can get like kind

42:02

of funny. That's my favorite restaurant bubble drums

42:05

bubble drums Little bubble

42:07

trumps over there. You see that's City

42:09

walk Bubble

42:13

drums

42:15

What was the other one the

42:17

other one? Once a

42:19

day just once a day just once a day when it's

42:21

done It's done, but it's once a

42:23

day. Yes, does he do is is

42:25

it off-limits when you're sleeping?

42:27

I mean no that's a kind of a loophole because then you would just you

42:29

can't go to if you haven't been scared and Try to go to bed.

42:31

You're gonna get scared This

42:34

is tough because if you were to take sleeping out of it

42:37

Yeah, I'd pick Rudy, but if he can like

42:39

how many how what percentage of times is

42:42

he waking you up? Really

42:44

important question. Yeah, I think it is

42:46

I

42:48

Think it's basically it's ran. It's truly

42:50

random the time of day and so you're sleeping

42:52

roughly eight hours whenever I happen to sleep

42:55

It's when if you sleep eight hours, it's probably

42:57

one third of your one

42:59

third of the time That's what you're gonna get

43:01

one. I know what's good suck Just to be I just already

43:03

add interrupt But it could happen twice in a night

43:05

because you could get both days worse true So

43:09

is Rudy choosing the sinister timing

43:11

or is it like Rudy's just waiting and there's some

43:13

does Rudy get his instructions For you

43:15

know like get him now. It is Rudy Giuliani.

43:18

It's truly him Yes, but it's

43:20

a disembodied Rudy who exists

43:22

to do the startling

43:23

He has all the qualities of really Johnny,

43:26

but it's not like there is a Rudy in the world That's

43:28

not your Rudy, but for you. It is Rudy

43:30

in every way that matters. It's Rudy. So

43:33

it's a Rudy golem Yes, sort of yes.

43:36

Yes at some point I know if

43:38

you choose this I will take some

43:40

clay in a bathtub and I will say a Jewish prayer

43:42

and I will circle Seven

43:44

times and then it will animate

43:48

And that was your question. What kind of Jewish magic do you have

43:50

to do to make the water sound like Trump?

43:53

These are both from the Talmud This

43:57

sort of the kind of I'm gonna believe all this

43:59

because I don't know

43:59

lot about Jewish culture. I've

44:02

been reading a lot about Jewish people lately. They seem

44:04

pretty cool. No, they're pretty great. Don't

44:07

try and suck up to Gollum Giuliani now.

44:10

You made your choice. A lot

44:13

in the news about you guys. Yeah,

44:18

a lot in the news. Jews in the news, as we say.

44:20

Jews in the news.

44:24

I really want to see you do this little incantation,

44:27

so I'm going to pick Giuliani, definitely. Giuliani? I

44:29

think

44:29

I'm good with water sound like Trump. I'm just...

44:32

So the ocean is ruined for you. You'll never

44:34

go to the ocean again. Oh, am I surfing?

44:39

What am I doing? So you're choosing ocean.

44:41

You're choosing the water. Wow. Okay.

44:44

All right. I think you made a mistake. I think you made

44:46

a mistake. You gave me this. It's

44:48

not what John hopes I would rather.

44:50

It's what I would rather. No, I know. I know. You're right. I'm sorry.

44:53

I'm sorry.

44:54

Thank you, Fel I made a good toilet. You're

44:56

fucked. Oh, toilets. I forgot about those.

45:00

Yep. Every time you wash your hands. Different

45:02

subject. I'm just thinking about earlier, right?

45:07

All right. That's

45:10

not going to hold up in court for why I got this ticket.

45:13

I just forgot about toilets. Would

45:17

you rather... You work for Bernie

45:19

Sanders, but he fucking cannot

45:21

stand you.

45:22

Or you work

45:24

for Joe Manchin and he's the greatest

45:27

mentor you've ever had.

45:30

Bernie Sanders has that air that

45:32

he just can't stand anyone. So would it

45:35

be a surprise? I mean, not that he can't

45:37

stand them, but it's just like he has no... He's

45:39

so close to death, it seems like, that it's like

45:42

he has no time for anyone. So

45:44

good point.

45:48

That's his baseline for you. It is worse. Okay.

45:51

Whatever his five out of 10 is, you're

45:54

a two. Okay. You're less than that. Okay.

45:56

Wow. Hmm.

45:59

And Joe Manchin. He's like a father

46:01

to you. So we

46:03

love him? You love

46:06

him as a, he's an incredible, supportive,

46:09

encouraging boss who wants you to have

46:11

the best set of your career while he's fighting

46:13

to stop tax increases on the wealthy. This

46:15

sounds fine, but this sounds fine to me. I pick that.

46:18

I love someone? Great. I

46:22

was excited about the heel turn, so I was going with mansion

46:25

too. I was down with it. Wow. Well.

46:28

Interpersonal. Oh, go. Feel

46:30

great about yourself, room full of good guys. Unbelievable.

46:34

Unbelievable. You always want to be a villain just a little

46:36

bit? Live a little. I also

46:38

just love like- Expand your range. I

46:41

know for a fact that in the hypothetical scenario,

46:43

I choose to be treated like dog shit by Bernie Sanders

46:45

for the country. I

46:48

know that about me. Alright,

46:51

that's our answer. Bernie. No, no, no, no.

46:53

Sam Manchin. Joe Manchin. Joe Manchin. You

46:56

were so convincing. I was going to go ahead with it. I'm going

46:58

to be hugged

46:58

by the demons. We're back to the

47:00

demons. Well, the bad guys, whatever. Final

47:03

question. This is for all the marbles. This is

47:05

for everything. Hmm. Would you rather- Would

47:11

you rather be sober with Kamala Harris while

47:13

she's on drugs? Or

47:15

be on drugs with a completely sober Kamala

47:18

Harris? You

47:24

put anybody in the role. It's always being on drugs.

47:29

You never want to be sober on somebody on drugs.

47:31

No matter who that person is. You want to be

47:33

the person on drugs and tough shit

47:35

to whoever's around you. Blanket

47:38

statement across the board. Put any name in there. Alright,

47:42

so Kyle's strong out of the gate.

47:45

Which drugs? That's

47:47

a great question. Which drugs is she on? Which

47:50

drugs am I on? It would be the same cocktail. I think

47:52

it has to be. Oh, it's a cocktail. Well, it's

47:54

the same whatever it could be. Here's what it is. Do I

47:56

get to pick?

47:57

You can pick.

47:59

Does it have to be hallucinogenics or

48:01

can it be like, you know, a statin?

48:09

Uh, I, uh, nice try.

48:11

No, Lipitor. Dammit.

48:14

We're both on five, Advil. Yeah.

48:19

It has to be, it has to be some kind of psychotropic

48:22

or hallucinogenic or, or some other

48:24

mind-altering drug. And you're

48:26

taking so much of it

48:28

that you're just past the point where you

48:30

can maintain. You have taken drugs

48:32

and there's no hiding it. Right, right.

48:35

And is she, is she... I

48:37

haven't seen her much. Is she a judgmental person?

48:43

I think her reaction in this scenario is

48:45

one of concern

48:48

with notes of disappointment

48:51

and anger that she's not going to share with

48:53

you in the moment because you're on drugs, but

48:55

that she will be conveying

48:58

to make sure she's never in your presence ever again.

49:01

So she's not happy I did him like that. You did

49:04

it Scott. You did it Scott. No,

49:06

no, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think she's very

49:09

frustrated by this experience.

49:11

You're on a plane. Let's make your, you're on a plane. We're

49:13

on a plane. Oh wait, that changes the drug thing. That's

49:15

different for drugs. You got

49:17

it. You don't do drugs on a plane. That's a bad place

49:19

for drugs. Yeah. Are

49:21

there air marshals where you can be arrested for whatever happens?

49:24

Is it Air Force One? Are we on Air Force One on drugs?

49:26

No, it's Air Force Two. There's

49:28

a two?

49:29

Well, I think when she's on it, it's a two, right?

49:32

Yeah. Any plane I'm on is a two. Hey, what?

49:34

Yeah. Because I

49:36

take shits on them. Because we take shits

49:38

on them. Because you take shits

49:40

on them. I'm not judging it aesthetically. Forgot

49:43

about that toilet again. Um,

49:47

so you're on a plane. You're on Air Force

49:50

Two and you're taking drugs or

49:52

she's taking drugs. Oh. I

49:54

mean, still do

49:57

the drugs. I

49:59

don't know. I'm not a... I'm not a huge drug guy. Well,

50:01

here's the other side of it. What a story

50:04

to have spent a plane ride

50:07

to Europe,

50:08

to the World Economic

50:10

Forum, to Davos. And

50:13

you are dead sober, and you are

50:15

on a plane with Vice President

50:18

Kamala Harris absolutely losing it on

50:20

mushrooms. That's a story you tell for

50:22

the rest of your life. Are we the only two people on the plane?

50:25

No, there are other people there, but she's made sure

50:27

that you're in the conference room, just the two. It's your

50:30

time with her, and it's her time with you. You're

50:33

not alone, but

50:35

you're alone. Does she have

50:37

loose lips? Like, is

50:39

she going to tell it? Would she tell secrets,

50:42

like state secrets and stuff like that? Yes.

50:45

All right, yeah, I picked that. All right. So

50:49

she would let me know where the UFOs

50:51

are, who killed JFK. At

50:54

first, no. But as the

50:56

flight goes on. By the way, you worked

50:59

in the White House? I did.

51:00

Who killed JFK? I

51:05

can't tell you. I'm not on drugs. But

51:08

it's exactly who you don't think it is. Oh,

51:11

shit. That's all I'll say. That's all

51:13

I'll say. Eliminate everyone else? Yeah. Rule

51:15

out everyone you think it might be. Oh, my gosh.

51:18

And

51:18

then it's not them. Did they tell you any

51:21

really fun secrets? No, they don't tell the

51:23

comedy speech writer fucking

51:26

anything. That's the first person I

51:28

would tell. They don't sell yuckles

51:31

in the OEOB, who they need a joke

51:33

from for the health care speech where the bodies are buried.

51:37

I was at the White House. We were working on the correspondence

51:39

dinner the weekend that President Obama

51:42

ordered the raid on the Bin Laden compound.

51:44

And we found out after. And we were at the White

51:46

House. And we were having all these meetings. And we were like,

51:48

why can't we get any time? We've got to go over these jokes with

51:50

the president. We

51:52

can't get any fucking time on the calendar. And

51:55

we were like, this is important. These are the jokes. These

51:57

are the big jokes. And our meeting keeps getting

51:59

fucking canceled.

51:59

What can he be doing in there? Turns out. It's OK.

52:05

Was there ever a week where it was wide open?

52:07

And I was like, yeah, come in. Let's riff for a while. I'm

52:11

more interested in what was going on that week globally.

52:13

Like, no, let's shoot the shit a little, man. Let's

52:16

play the dozens a little here. I really want to

52:18

play the dozens.

52:21

All right, well, any final thoughts? Did we pick? Oh,

52:24

you got to pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I picked the cheese

52:27

on drugs. Cheese on drugs. Can

52:29

I still talk to him after he hangs out with

52:31

her while she's on drugs?

52:32

Yeah, I'll tell you all. Can I find out about the UFO stuff? Yeah, I'll

52:34

tell you anything. OK, then I'll do the drugs.

52:39

Can he be on drugs too, hanging out with us?

52:42

Yeah, can our rathers overlap? But

52:45

then she would not be on drugs. No, she's on drugs.

52:47

Then he's on drugs. It's not the would you rathers don't

52:49

call. We can't have a situation. I want overlapping rathers.

52:51

I would love that for you. It has to be we can do

52:53

a round trip. But if you're

52:56

sober, she's on drugs. If you're on drugs, she's sober.

52:59

Is Dan Rather a stage name because he does interviews?

53:03

Yeah, it was. Thank

53:05

you. It

53:07

was Ratherberg, and they changed it at

53:10

Ellis Island. All right, let's wrap this up. All

53:13

right, give it up for Scott and Kyle. Thank

53:15

you, everyone. Go buy Comedy Bang Bang, the

53:18

podcast, the book, and check out

53:20

Kyle Seiper's latest dates. When we

53:22

come back, you've got dates. I got

53:24

dates. When we come back, we go

53:26

where no person has gone before.

53:34

And we're back. This

53:38

week, the universe conspired to bring together two heavenly

53:40

bodies from the Star Trek sky tonight on this

53:42

very stage. And by the universe, I mean Love

53:44

It or Leave It's very own producer Brian. You

53:48

booked the guests.

53:49

Please put your hands together. From Star

53:51

Trek Discovery, as well as some unremarkable comedy

53:54

specials, Tig Notaro. And

53:56

from Star Trek Picard, Todd

53:57

Stashwick. Thank you.

53:59

How dare you? Come on, I'm just... Come

54:02

on, come on. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hi.

54:06

How you doing, Tig? Doing all right, how are you? Good

54:08

to see you. Good to see you. This

54:11

is me. It's

54:14

not someone else.

54:18

And that's the most important thing. It really is. Todd,

54:22

it's nice to meet you. Nice to meet you as well. Thanks

54:24

for being here. Thanks for having me. This is a strange experience

54:26

for me because I truly have

54:28

been in the midst of the

54:31

third season of Picard, in which

54:33

you star, and now you're here, and

54:35

it's like Shaw is here. Did I remember all

54:37

my lines? If you didn't,

54:39

you covered. Okay, good. Okay, good. And

54:42

it felt real, you know? Like when you were finding things,

54:44

you know? Which is really cool. I will answer any

54:46

question. How far into it are you? I was trying

54:48

to finish it before tonight, but I'm

54:51

on the final episode of the third season. They're in space.

54:53

They're in, yep. The whole fucking

54:55

time. Spoiler, yeah. Tig,

54:57

how much did you know about Star Trek before you were on Star

54:59

Trek?

55:00

Well, zero. Yep.

55:04

And nothing has changed. Okay,

55:10

well, then, well, let's

55:12

see how you do with this question. Here

55:14

we go. Let's talk about the difference between technologies

55:17

used in Discovery and Picard. For example,

55:20

the USS Discovery, which is of course a cross-field

55:22

class starship being piloted in the 2250s, is

55:24

equipped with a displacement activated Spore hub drive,

55:27

which uses a network of mycelium spores.

55:30

Yes, I do. Do you really? I do. To

55:32

jump across space. How do you feel about the Spore

55:35

technology that your ship

55:36

was relying on Discovery? I

55:38

feel really good. It

55:42

felt right when

55:44

we were doing the show and stuff. Like

55:47

for the character? Yeah, I was like this, I

55:50

mean, what else would we do? Other

55:52

than that.

55:55

Tig, your character was actually infected by the

55:57

spores. And you know that,

55:59

right? Yeah. And

56:04

they were hallucinogenic. So while fixing the Discovery's

56:06

propulsion system, the spore drive, that's

56:09

when you were infected. Right. That's

56:11

why I have my mask on. Did

56:14

that change how you felt about the spore drive at all?

56:17

I mean a little. I

56:21

mean, yeah, of course.

56:23

Todd, your

56:25

thoughts on the spores? About

56:27

the network, the fungus that drives

56:30

the ship's discovery? The USS Discovery, yeah. Well,

56:33

it saves in warp time. Like

56:36

you can just kind of be

56:39

someplace else immediately. Let

56:41

me finish. Please do.

56:44

Would that be teleporting? Technically

56:47

no, because teleporting is where they literally

56:49

take you apart and put you back together. Right,

56:52

so I was gonna say it's not that.

56:54

No. If you guys can, if you listen

56:56

quietly, you can kind of hear Reddit

56:59

exploding. That's

57:02

it, that was the last, and this was the last time there

57:04

was Reddit.

57:06

I don't get it. What

57:08

do you mean, why would that? Well, just I think that

57:11

they're gonna be commenting on the inaccuracies

57:13

in your description of the ship you

57:15

served on.

57:17

I don't know about that. Okay.

57:21

You don't think so? No, I said I don't know about

57:23

that. It

57:28

is so good to see you again.

57:31

I just touched your bear heel. I

57:39

shut her. I

57:42

thought for sure you'd have a sock on or something. You

57:46

didn't look before you touched? No, I did not.

57:49

You just reached out and there was ankle? Yeah. I

57:52

love this human being so much. Yeah. You

57:55

just fell free. And then I... I

58:00

was like, and I did it. So now

58:02

you can't hit Sam by the sock thing anymore. Now you know.

58:05

I touched her ankle. I called it a heel, but I

58:07

touched her ankle and... Oof!

58:10

Just shivers. Just shivers. Just shivers.

58:13

Anyway, back to Star Trek. Please. First

58:17

of all, let me just say this, Todd. Yeah. Season

58:19

three of Picard fucking rules. Thank

58:21

you. I don't even have a question.

58:25

It's so exciting. I'm not going to disagree with

58:27

you. I will.

58:30

You've seen it a few times. You've seen it a

58:32

few times. I was

58:34

watching it on my way over here. Listen,

58:38

I wasn't arguing that it's great. I was

58:41

just saying, I'll argue. Fair

58:43

enough. Open season. I'll put

58:45

up a fight. Now it's

58:47

time for a game we're calling Phasers to Quiz.

58:50

Look at this art. Oh, look at that. We

58:52

got Spock. We got Locutus. We

58:54

got Locutus. Is that Q? Yeah, we

58:56

got Q over there. Wait a minute.

58:58

Is that Q? Yeah, that's Q. That

59:00

is Q. Yes. Tell

59:04

me what you know about the character Q, Tic.

59:08

That's Q. I

59:12

can read. You got

59:14

it. He's a consonant. Ding, ding. Yes.

59:18

All right. This

59:20

is an easy quiz. Here's how this quiz works. Okay.

59:23

Todd, I will be asking you questions about Tic's character. Okay.

59:26

I didn't mention this, but Tic, you played Jet Reno.

59:29

That's right. On Discovery.

59:31

Which is Tic in space.

59:34

Right. Yeah. Which

59:36

you pitched as the name for the series, but they're

59:38

like, we're already mid- we're already shooting this thing. We can't, we're not

59:40

going to change it to take it to space. I

59:42

actually did name my character. Really? Yeah.

59:46

The character was originally Denise

59:48

Reno, and I was like, there is

59:50

no world where I'm a Denise. So

59:54

Jet Reno is named

59:56

after

59:57

Joan Jett.

59:58

Nice. And

1:00:01

Todd you play Captain Liam Shaw. I do.

1:00:03

Did you think I can beat that? No,

1:00:06

he's actually named after Robert Shaw. Oh

1:00:08

cool. Yeah from Jaws. Oh

1:00:12

Yeah, nice.

1:00:13

All right. I have no follow-ups

1:00:17

I'm gonna ask Tig questions about Todd's character.

1:00:19

Todd I'm gonna ask you a question about Tig's character. Okay. All right

1:00:22

We're gonna alternate. Tig,

1:00:23

what is the name of Todd's character? Shaw?

1:00:28

Nice.

1:00:32

What is Shaw's rank? Hi.

1:00:35

Yeah You're

1:00:38

not wrong. He's captain. He's a captain. Yeah,

1:00:40

you're up there. There

1:00:43

was a ship. It's his ship. I have to say

1:00:45

though when you're Captain Shaw

1:00:48

on a starfleet vessel and The

1:00:51

Titan, yeah and Admiral

1:00:53

Picard. Yes, and commander

1:00:55

William Riker come on your ship Captain Riker

1:00:58

Was he captain? He's captain by now. Sure.

1:01:00

Reddit's going crazy. I

1:01:02

have a question. Yeah. When we

1:01:05

came out and you were saying how good

1:01:07

his show was That

1:01:11

wasn't a question. Do you have

1:01:14

a question? Well, I was just

1:01:16

wondering how you like my Star Trek.

1:01:20

I have a Star Trek. You haven't even watched your Star

1:01:22

Trek. It doesn't matter. What

1:01:27

vessel does Captain

1:01:30

Liam Shaw pilot? You do not appreciate

1:01:33

my my acting, my

1:01:35

Tig in space that I do.

1:01:38

I am very excited

1:01:40

to watch Star Trek Discovery, but I haven't

1:01:42

seen it to be honest. Don't fucking

1:01:45

gasping at me. You've seen

1:01:47

everything. I've had

1:01:47

some medical emergency. Are you okay?

1:01:53

It's good to, smart to check. It's smart to check.

1:01:55

That was the founder of Reddit. Okay. Quit

1:01:58

dodging the question Tig. Okay.

1:01:59

What vessel does Captain Liam

1:02:02

Shaw pilot? This will be the third

1:02:04

question in a row where the answer was said moments

1:02:06

ago. You

1:02:09

pilot. We don't listen

1:02:12

to me anymore. The

1:02:14

spaceship. It's a spaceship? Uh-huh.

1:02:17

We just don't talk.

1:02:19

We don't talk anymore. It

1:02:23

is the... It's so funny. Titanic.

1:02:28

Nope. So... Like,

1:02:30

you kept going. You could have stopped. Titan.

1:02:33

And you would have nailed it. You would have nailed it. You...

1:02:35

Captain the Titanic.

1:02:38

Close. Yeah. Captain

1:02:40

Shaw. Titan. Titan.

1:02:43

Yeah, the Titanic. If you want to pronounce it like that. Sure.

1:02:46

What is the rank of TIGS character? You're

1:02:48

an engineer.

1:02:50

So what is the... Are

1:02:52

you a lieutenant?

1:02:54

No. No. You

1:02:57

tell me what you are. I want to see this. If I knew,

1:02:59

I would. I was

1:03:01

gonna say, I saw this coming.

1:03:04

I'm sorry. You don't know the rank

1:03:06

of your own fucking character? I

1:03:09

am not gonna be yelled at on live

1:03:11

podcasts. Touch

1:03:13

his ankle.

1:03:13

Touch his ankle. I'm a commander.

1:03:16

Yes. Commander

1:03:18

Jet Reno. Commander Jet Reno.

1:03:23

Todd, before serving on the USS Discovery, on

1:03:25

what vessel did Commander Jet Reno serve

1:03:27

as an engineer? The Hiawatha. Yes. Hell

1:03:30

yeah. Wow.

1:03:32

Are you okay? Mike's

1:03:36

dropped. Mike dropped.

1:03:39

TIG. Yeah. What

1:03:41

was the basis of Captain Shaw's intense resentment

1:03:45

of Jean-Luc Picard? Oh,

1:03:47

I thought you were leaving. Um... Okay,

1:03:51

this one, I will be completely honest. I

1:03:53

don't know the answer to. It

1:03:57

was that he had been assimilated by the Borg. Oregon

1:04:00

was known as you look you did just well that's

1:04:02

not the reason it's

1:04:04

the reason he killed 11,000 people

1:04:07

when he was this yeah no but right as

1:04:09

that we just the assimilation

1:04:11

is no no what he did as locutus thank

1:04:13

you is what he did as a cutest is

1:04:15

the murdering of people that got

1:04:18

me upset a great quote there's a record character at the only

1:04:20

bork so deadly they gave him a goddamn name yeah it's a

1:04:22

great quote

1:04:24

I love are you saving your questions

1:04:27

as a souvenir I was bored

1:04:29

and I thought I would read don't

1:04:36

say you're bored while you're on stage kind

1:04:38

of gesture you I have a huge fan of yours

1:04:40

and every time you come out here you do that thing where you're very quiet

1:04:42

but also bully me and

1:04:45

I love

1:04:45

it nasty to me I

1:04:48

touched your ankle you think

1:04:52

I leave my house where I'm

1:04:55

enjoying my wife and children and three

1:04:57

cats and my father-in-law to drive

1:04:59

out here and just touch anyone's

1:05:01

ankle I'm

1:05:02

now

1:05:05

gonna ask you both questions about your character

1:05:09

what war did commander Reno's serve during on

1:05:11

the high Latha

1:05:12

the Klingon war yeah that's right do

1:05:16

you remember I do you kind

1:05:18

of look like a

1:05:21

young captain

1:05:23

Kirk

1:05:23

Wow holy shit

1:05:27

holy shit good news yeah I mean

1:05:29

you're just honestly he's getting every question

1:05:31

right and you're winning the game

1:05:37

come on Todd you catch more fucking bees with honey

1:05:39

what are you doing over there you're embarrassing

1:05:42

yourself I'm laying in wait okay next

1:05:45

question

1:05:46

during her interrogation about the existence

1:05:49

of the syndicate known as the emerald chain what

1:05:51

snack is commander Reno munching on black

1:05:53

licorice

1:05:57

for

1:06:00

like while being interrogated. Oh,

1:06:02

chips and salsa. Wow. By

1:06:05

the way, by the way, just to give you a sense, Malcom,

1:06:08

right? I fucking love Discovery. Yeah. Malcom

1:06:12

is a true fan. You

1:06:16

look like Captain Kirk.

1:06:21

So crazy this is my job. When

1:06:24

this airs, does it edit? Yeah,

1:06:27

they trim out the fat. Don't worry about that. All

1:06:29

right, final question. Final? Wow.

1:06:32

Well, we're having a great. It just went so fast.

1:06:35

Come check your, I mean, I'm not linking it up. We've

1:06:37

got to keep moving. No, my watch doesn't work. I was curious

1:06:40

where it stopped. It was 10.42. In

1:06:48

the morning? PM. OK,

1:06:51

fair enough. So yesterday? Yeah. Got

1:06:53

it. Weeks ago. Todd,

1:06:56

what was it like being on set with all the next

1:06:59

generation characters getting to kind of be together

1:07:01

for the first time in 10 or 20 years in some cases?

1:07:03

Well, it happened slowly in stages.

1:07:06

So when I got there, first I was just working

1:07:08

with Freaks and Patrick.

1:07:12

And there was one moment that

1:07:14

I was on the turbo lift. We were

1:07:16

waiting in between set up. You know the turbo

1:07:19

lift. You know all about it. And Patrick

1:07:21

snakes his arm behind me. And

1:07:23

he grabs Jonathan Freaks and he pulls

1:07:26

me. I'm standing between them. And he goes,

1:07:28

what's it like to be the center

1:07:30

of Sir Patrick Stewart Jonathan

1:07:33

Freaks sandwich?

1:07:37

It's like geeky sexy. That's

1:07:42

cool as hell. That's pretty cool. But

1:07:44

what was it like?

1:07:46

That's just for my memoirs. That's

1:07:49

for the memoirs. Memoirs? Yeah, I'm going to

1:07:51

write a few. That's

1:07:54

like volume three.

1:07:56

I wrote a memoir. You did? Yeah.

1:08:01

Mine's hypothetical. Was that

1:08:03

hard writing? Did you have to write every day? I

1:08:06

wrote for four years, and

1:08:09

it took so long for me to write this book

1:08:12

that I went back and

1:08:15

things didn't matter to me anymore that I had already

1:08:17

written, and then I would erase

1:08:19

entire chapters. And it, four

1:08:22

years later, is

1:08:23

a book you could finish next

1:08:25

to a swimming pool one afternoon. Did

1:08:29

people come up with you all the time and try to talk to you about Star

1:08:31

Trek? Well, I was at the beach with my family,

1:08:34

and this man came up to

1:08:36

me and he said, are you on Star

1:08:39

Trek? And I said, yeah. And he said, I

1:08:41

recognized your voice. I didn't even see your face.

1:08:43

He was standing behind me. And I was like, well,

1:08:45

that's a Star Trek fan.

1:08:46

And

1:08:49

I have an iconic voice. You do have an

1:08:51

iconic voice. You do have an iconic voice.

1:08:54

I was expecting the crowd to go nuts

1:08:57

when I saw him. I was just having fun. It's

1:08:59

so exciting to have both of you here. It's working. You

1:09:01

haven't seen my show, though. I know, I know. I know,

1:09:03

but I love his. Thank you. Picard season

1:09:05

three, absolutely crushing. I was like

1:09:07

so excited, so exciting, because all the

1:09:09

people from Star Trek Next Generation, which I watched when

1:09:11

I was like a kid, and now they're back. And

1:09:14

the cool thing about it is, it's like, I'm not even sure what it is. I'm just like, I'm

1:09:16

not even sure what it is. I'm just like, I'm not even sure what it is. I'm

1:09:19

just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, Oe go go to the

1:09:21

red arrow. Oh yeah he's last

1:09:42

Banging

1:09:45

rights. You know what I won? Actually

1:09:48

in your bathroom already you have a floss

1:09:50

thing. Like free there

1:09:52

is like a whole basket of them. I

1:09:55

just want to know what happened with

1:09:58

a guest on this couch.

1:09:59

at putting these in the green room. For

1:10:02

free. For free. Like help

1:10:04

yourself, you know. And I'm sure people haven't

1:10:07

like fished through that and touched

1:10:09

everything. No, there's

1:10:11

tons of them. I don't think people just paw

1:10:13

at the flossers. I do. Oh, you do? I

1:10:17

did it. Because you did it. Yeah,

1:10:19

that's what I do to warm up for a show. I

1:10:23

paw at the flossers. I paw at

1:10:25

flossers. That's

1:10:26

fair. That's fair. Do

1:10:28

you want to tell your audience I'll be in Vegas

1:10:31

on June 2nd? Tig

1:10:33

will be in Vegas on

1:10:36

June 2nd. And

1:10:38

you can see Todd and Picard right now.

1:10:40

All episodes streamed. All episodes are streaming.

1:10:43

And it really, it's fantastic. Yeah.

1:10:46

When we come back, hot takes. Don't

1:10:49

go anywhere. This is Love It or Leave It. And there's more

1:10:52

on the way.

1:10:53

Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio

1:10:56

Andy. Live and uncensored. Catch me talking

1:10:58

with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship

1:11:00

issues, and bodily ailments. With that

1:11:03

kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never

1:11:05

know what's going to happen.

1:11:06

You can listen to Jeff Lewis Live

1:11:08

at home or anywhere you are. Download

1:11:11

the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of

1:11:14

ad-free music, sports, entertainment,

1:11:17

and more. Subscribe now and get three

1:11:19

months free. Offer details apply.

1:11:25

Mayomi

1:11:29

uses the best that coastal California has to offer,

1:11:32

which has resulted in wines that taste like no

1:11:34

other.

1:11:35

Enjoy the bold flavors of Mayomi Pinot

1:11:37

Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon, Red Blend,

1:11:39

and Mayomi Bright, Mayomi's new

1:11:41

lower alcohol Pinot Noir.

1:11:43

Discover the unrivaled taste of Mayomi

1:11:45

at shopmayomi.com. That's shop,

1:11:48

M-E-I-O-M-I.com. Mayomi,

1:11:51

flavor forward. Please enjoy responsibly.

1:11:53

Mayomi Wine to Campo, California.

1:11:57

So many options for toilet paper.

1:11:59

Quintuple ply? This roll is titanium

1:12:02

enforced. This one is made from elderly trees?

1:12:04

Is that good? Just grab Angel Soft.

1:12:07

It's simple, soft, and strong. And

1:12:09

for any budget. Angel Soft. Soft

1:12:11

and strong. Simple.

1:12:16

And we're back!

1:12:21

Huge news.

1:12:23

Crooked is getting into the subscription game so that I

1:12:25

specifically don't have to be on Twitter anymore. Introducing

1:12:29

Friends of the Pod, the ultimate digital community for

1:12:31

Crooked listeners, is where you can get more news, analysis,

1:12:34

you can talk to other people and hosts and friends

1:12:36

of the pod. And it's an easy way to get more involved

1:12:38

in Vote Save America with updates, guides, and more. And sometimes

1:12:41

the Discord is just a place to argue about which pope was

1:12:43

hottest. We have a good time.

1:12:45

And depending on your subscription level, and

1:12:48

the answer is John Paul II. What? There's

1:12:52

weekly bonus content, including our

1:12:55

subscription-only show, Terminally Online, which is really fun.

1:12:57

A Discord community, pictures of me. I didn't

1:12:59

know that were being taken. And a

1:13:01

lot more. And the highest subscription

1:13:03

level, every month you'll donate to Vote Save

1:13:06

America to support the organizations that are helping on

1:13:08

the ground. And if that's not enough, there's

1:13:10

a discount right now if you go and sign up. So

1:13:12

please do.

1:13:14

We don't know what this thing could turn into.

1:13:16

One day maybe a polycule. I've

1:13:19

been told no, but that's up to the

1:13:21

community.

1:13:23

Crooked.com slash friends. Go sign up.

1:13:26

You can subscribe now and it's not a polycule, or is

1:13:28

it?

1:13:28

It's not. All

1:13:33

right. Now it is time for hot takes. Here's how it

1:13:35

works. We'll each have 30 seconds to defend

1:13:37

a never before seen horrible, horrible opinion as

1:13:39

if it were actually ours. We each get one skip.

1:13:42

And though I consistently beg the producers to be nicer, what

1:13:44

you skip to might be worse and probably

1:13:46

will be. I truly haven't seen these, for

1:13:49

me or for anyone. Let's see what's first.

1:13:51

I

1:13:53

would like Biden to be primaried and I would

1:13:56

like the person who primaries him to be Hillary.

1:13:59

In my opinion, Hillary should

1:14:01

primary Joe Biden. She's rested. She's

1:14:05

the only other person in the history of humanity

1:14:08

to get more votes than Donald Trump.

1:14:11

James Comey is not around to fuck everything

1:14:13

up this time. And

1:14:16

sometimes, when it comes to human

1:14:18

civilization, you go double or nothing.

1:14:20

You just push all your chips forward,

1:14:22

you close your eyes, and you hope for the best. And

1:14:24

then you lay down your card, you say, it's a king

1:14:27

and a jack.

1:14:28

Let's see what's up next. Comic

1:14:31

books are fine, I guess, but these movie adaptations

1:14:33

are where the real magic is at. Scott, that's

1:14:36

yours. OK,

1:14:39

so

1:14:40

these movies, we all love them. Dr.

1:14:43

Strange, what a great

1:14:45

name. It's all

1:14:47

right there. He's a doctor. He's fucking weird. But

1:14:50

the comic books, who wants to read?

1:14:58

It's like,

1:14:59

first of all, these little words. It's

1:15:02

like going to see a French film, except

1:15:06

no one's talking during it. Is

1:15:08

reading, is what I'm saying. And that sucks. There's

1:15:11

nothing moving. You have to imagine everything. Fuck

1:15:13

this. So I think going to see

1:15:16

these movies is exactly what people should

1:15:18

be doing. And Spider-Man.

1:15:22

Nice. Thank you, Scott.

1:15:25

Well said. Before

1:15:27

we move forward,

1:15:29

the comedy bang bang, the podcast, the book. What

1:15:31

is it? Tell me about it. OK,

1:15:35

now this is where I'm going to tell. So

1:15:39

here's what, let me tell you what happened. And Tig asked, and so

1:15:41

I'm going to tell you, I got a card from Malcolm

1:15:43

that said, ask a couple quick questions about the

1:15:45

CBB book.

1:15:47

Because I didn't ask you about it. It'll be a better

1:15:49

movie. Todd

1:15:53

thinks it'll be a better movie. That's got to be

1:15:55

tough to hear. You probably worked hard on it. We're

1:15:57

going to record it and then put it out as a podcast.

1:15:59

again, I think. So it'll just come full circle.

1:16:02

Wow. Art imitating book. Yeah. The

1:16:06

famous phrase. Yeah,

1:16:08

it's a book. I don't know if you know what the podcast is.

1:16:11

God bless you. If you don't, you will not like

1:16:14

it. So

1:16:16

if you do know what the podcast is, you'll love the

1:16:18

book. If you know what the podcast is,

1:16:21

you'll like the podcast. Hey,

1:16:25

hey. Yeah. If

1:16:26

you're not gonna sell this fucking book, who is? You're

1:16:30

losing ludel. All right,

1:16:34

look. If you listen to comedy

1:16:36

bang bang, which is a podcast that I do, it's where comedians

1:16:38

play fake people, characters,

1:16:42

and the book is written by all of these fake

1:16:44

weird people. And there's

1:16:47

a lot of art in it. And a

1:16:50

lot of great contributors. Hey,

1:16:51

Lin-Manuel Miranda does the intro

1:16:54

to it. So, you know, that he wrote

1:16:56

Moana. Yeah. Not

1:16:59

less on a not less on

1:17:02

a Moana. Moana

1:17:05

more problems. You know what I mean? Yeah. I

1:17:07

can hear the copies flying on

1:17:09

the shelf. The

1:17:12

returns. Yeah. Let's see

1:17:14

what's next on hot take. People shouldn't

1:17:17

have kids take

1:17:18

or I can skip to the next one.

1:17:20

But it might be worse. Worse than

1:17:22

that. Yeah.

1:17:25

Okay. I'll try it. Let's

1:17:28

see what's next. All comedians should

1:17:30

be dynamic. Don't

1:17:36

look at me. I don't write. I swear I, I

1:17:39

don't write these. I feel

1:17:41

like this is somehow

1:17:43

saying that I am not

1:17:46

dynamic.

1:17:47

That sucks. Or

1:17:49

high energy. And

1:17:51

you know what? Let me

1:17:55

tell you something. For those of you

1:17:58

listening, I'm going to do a video. I'm going to do a at home,

1:18:01

I stood up off the couch and

1:18:04

I'm walking around with high

1:18:06

energy being dynamic

1:18:09

and telling you

1:18:11

that, wait,

1:18:13

am I supposed to, I'm supposed

1:18:15

to, this is what I think. This

1:18:19

is what I think. Because

1:18:22

if you're going to show up with low energy

1:18:25

and not be dynamic

1:18:29

and expect people

1:18:32

to stick around, listen

1:18:34

to you, am I doing this right? You're doing

1:18:37

great. Thank you. People

1:18:39

are bored, okay? No

1:18:42

one can, you sound like Eeyore. And

1:18:45

I'm not saying my wife calls me Eeyore.

1:18:48

I'm saying my wife, because I have

1:18:51

a lot of energy, but my

1:18:53

wife calls low energy comedians

1:18:56

Eeyore. And

1:18:58

I'll tell you another thing.

1:19:01

You

1:19:04

also can just say, I did it. I

1:19:06

did it.

1:19:07

Now five. Yeah. Nice.

1:19:13

You didn't tell us we could say I did it after our thing.

1:19:17

Yeah, you could just say, I did it. I

1:19:19

did it.

1:19:21

I did it. We did it. All right, let's see what's

1:19:23

next. Dynamic. Lunel,

1:19:27

this is what you would have to defend. It says, Drake,

1:19:29

if you're listening to this, I think you're hideous

1:19:31

and I definitely never want to meet you.

1:19:34

I can't do it. It's

1:19:38

a total lie. All right, let's see what's

1:19:40

next. No, let me have the one

1:19:42

about people shouldn't have kids. All

1:19:47

right. Sure.

1:19:51

Sure. Why not? Take it away. People

1:19:56

shouldn't have kids. I feel

1:19:58

that certain

1:19:59

girls are going to have kids. people, can

1:20:01

I do that, shouldn't have kids

1:20:04

because you don't know how

1:20:06

to raise them, you ain't got enough

1:20:08

money to raise them right, you carrying

1:20:10

trauma from your mom and your daddy and fucking

1:20:13

up your kids and you ain't spending

1:20:15

no time with the motherfuckers and that's why they

1:20:17

up in the attic

1:20:18

building AK-47s off

1:20:20

of motherfucking Google and

1:20:23

I feel like that you need to pay more attention

1:20:25

to these little motherfuckers and stop

1:20:27

letting them tell you what the fuck to do and

1:20:30

that's what I feel and why people

1:20:32

should not have kids.

1:20:33

Nice.

1:20:38

Certain people. You

1:20:40

did it. You did it. I did it. Alright,

1:20:43

next up.

1:20:43

To

1:20:47

be honest, I'm

1:20:52

not a fan of cyber fantasy. Most of those

1:20:55

roles I take are a cash grab.

1:20:57

Look, to be honest, I'm

1:21:01

just a whore. Yeah,

1:21:05

I mean, I was raised on like,

1:21:08

mash and mostly

1:21:11

soap operas. So

1:21:14

yeah, I've never seen a star

1:21:16

either war or trek. What

1:21:20

about that whore part? It's just

1:21:25

for the...

1:21:25

How

1:21:28

does it feel to be in a Tig and Lunel

1:21:30

sandwich?

1:21:39

Now that's the threesome you want

1:21:41

right there. I did it.

1:21:43

Yeah, he did it. Alright, let's

1:21:45

see what's next. TikTok videos

1:21:54

are a pure form of comedy than live

1:21:57

stand up. Kyle, you want to defend that?

1:21:59

You want to see what's next? You want to skip? Let me see what's

1:22:02

next. Ah, right. That's

1:22:07

what you got. That's what you picked. Okay, let's get

1:22:09

real. You know what? Let's lean into it. Yeah, let's get real.

1:22:11

None of us really know what's in the COVID vaccine.

1:22:14

We don't. I

1:22:16

took it. You somebody here tell

1:22:18

me what's in it. You don't know. We

1:22:21

just went. Vodka was in my home vaccine.

1:22:25

I took some home vaccines. I also learned that I can

1:22:27

make AK-47s in my attic. I didn't know

1:22:29

that. Thank you. Thank you,

1:22:31

Lanell. I didn't know I had the raw materials at

1:22:33

hand. So

1:22:35

when I have to get mad at the government

1:22:37

for giving me these vaccines, and we don't know what's in there,

1:22:39

I have the arms to take up against

1:22:41

these fake... What's in it, John?

1:22:46

Can anybody tell... We all took it. You

1:22:48

tell me what's in it. I couldn't tell

1:22:50

you what's in it. Myrna, there was like a lowercase

1:22:53

M and then an uppercase R. Nobody

1:22:55

knew what that was. Fizer. Yeah,

1:22:58

we just agreed with this weird capitalization

1:23:01

system.

1:23:02

Oh, it's real, because the first letter's lowercase,

1:23:05

and then there's an uppercase, and then there's

1:23:07

another lowercase. That's how people

1:23:09

write online when they want to make you sound stupid.

1:23:13

But then we took a vaccine that they typed

1:23:15

out the same way, and we're like, yeah, we should do that.

1:23:18

I think I actually believe this. Yeah,

1:23:22

I did it. I did it. He

1:23:24

did it. He did it. He did it. And look.

1:23:28

That's what this show's all about, all right? Changing

1:23:31

minds. All

1:23:34

right. And

1:23:36

that's Hot Takes. When we come back,

1:23:39

we'll end on a high note.

1:23:42

And we're back.

1:23:47

This week's high notes came from members of our Friend

1:23:49

of the Pod community. In addition to calling and emailing your high

1:23:51

notes, you can now share them in the Friends of the Pod

1:23:53

Discord.

1:23:54

Here it is, this week's high note.

1:23:57

Hi, my name is Amber, and I live in Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

1:24:00

My high note for this week is the Drag Me to

1:24:02

the Capitol March that was

1:24:04

held on Tuesday in Montgomery, Alabama

1:24:06

to protest a slew of harmful anti-trans

1:24:09

bills, including a drag ban and

1:24:11

a bathroom bill. Hundreds of people showed

1:24:13

up in the middle of a work day in the heat and

1:24:15

more than drowned out the two counter protesters

1:24:17

with just pure joy and enthusiasm.

1:24:20

Shout out to the fierce Red State activists fighting

1:24:23

uphill battles in difficult places and

1:24:25

especially to those in Alabama. The Alabama

1:24:27

Transgender Rights Action Coalition,

1:24:30

the Knights and Orchids Society, the Magic City

1:24:32

Acceptance Center, Human Rights Watch,

1:24:34

the ACLU of Alabama and more than I can

1:24:37

name. It was an absolute honor

1:24:39

to stand with all of them on Tuesday.

1:24:41

Hey, love it. This is Taylor

1:24:43

from Texas. My high note of the week is that

1:24:45

I just subscribed to be a friend of the pod. I've

1:24:48

been tearing through episodes of tour million online. Hallie

1:24:51

Kiefer in the clear on episode was hysterical

1:24:54

and I can't wait for more episodes. I'm

1:24:56

so glad to be a part of the Crooked family. I'm a huge

1:24:59

fan and I love everything I'll do

1:25:01

for progressive voters across America. Thanks.

1:25:04

Hey, love it. It's Sam from Ohio

1:25:07

and my high note of

1:25:09

the week is that my sister

1:25:11

Becky and I got to fly to

1:25:14

Los Angeles this week to

1:25:16

see you in person. We've been

1:25:19

wanting to come to a show since everything

1:25:23

started and so we're really excited

1:25:25

to see you this week and thanks

1:25:27

for all you do each week to

1:25:30

keep us laughing and keep us saying we

1:25:32

really appreciate it. Love all

1:25:34

you guys at Crooked.

1:25:35

Bye. Hi, mother. This

1:25:38

is Julian from San Diego and

1:25:41

my high note for this week is that I'm

1:25:43

graduating high school in about

1:25:45

a week and

1:25:47

I just wanted to pull in

1:25:50

and say that your show has partially

1:25:53

been a part of the reason that I'm going to

1:25:55

study international affairs and center

1:25:58

studies in college in D.C.

1:25:59

Thanks so much for always being so

1:26:02

happy and inspiring. And yeah, thank

1:26:05

you. Hey, Love It. My

1:26:07

name is Eileen, and I'm hoping we'll play this

1:26:09

message for the show that

1:26:11

airs on May 20th, because

1:26:14

that is the day that my

1:26:16

best friend in the whole wide world is getting

1:26:18

married. And she's the friend that introduced

1:26:21

me to your incredible show. So

1:26:23

a huge thank you to her, and a big

1:26:26

shout out to my sweet friend Lauren, who's marrying

1:26:28

the love of her life, Rob. He

1:26:30

and she are wonderful people, and

1:26:33

it's gonna be an incredible day.

1:26:34

Hey, Love It. Luke's

1:26:37

tracing in Seattle with my high note. So

1:26:39

I was driving around, listening to the show today. I

1:26:41

had the windows all down on a very hot,

1:26:44

unseasonable, unreasonable day

1:26:47

in Seattle. And pull up

1:26:49

to a light. I've got the show blaring

1:26:51

just about the time that you

1:26:54

all are talking about riding that pony

1:26:57

in reference to Oscar winner

1:26:59

and almost-octodenarian Robert

1:27:02

De Niro. And I quickly

1:27:04

start turning down

1:27:04

the volume, and then I

1:27:07

look over to my right

1:27:08

to see that the car next to me also

1:27:10

has their window open, and it's

1:27:13

our family vet. So that

1:27:16

was fun. Thanks to everybody

1:27:18

who sent in a high note tonight. If you wanna leave us a message

1:27:20

about something that gave you hope, call us at 323-832-7000.