0:05

Are you looking for happiness? Do

0:07

you feel like happiness is non-existent in your

0:10

marriage? Does it frustrate you

0:12

when you perceive other couples to be happy and

0:14

wonder why you can't have that too? Happiness

0:17

is a common pursuit that people long for. Many

0:19

people have gone great lengths to experience and

0:21

achieve happiness in life. This

0:24

idea that no matter what is going on, you feel

0:26

good, you feel happy. Today

0:28

we will discuss why we are driven with a desire

0:31

to experience true happiness and how

0:33

to look for true happiness when it is hard to find.

0:35

Hey, we're Anne and Jennifer Smith,

0:37

your hosts of the Marriage After God podcast. Hi! And

0:40

today's episode is brought to you by something

0:43

special. The Marriage Gift, 365

0:45

prayers for our marriage. It's

0:48

our newest book. Why did we write this

0:50

book? Well, there have been hundreds of thousands

0:53

of couples who have already taken our marriage prayer challenge

0:56

and gone through our 31 prayers for my husband and wife

0:58

books. And we wanted to introduce

1:00

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1:02

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1:04

and every marriage

1:05

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1:08

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1:10

believe prayer is one of the greatest gifts

1:12

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1:14

it the Marriage Gift. It's 365

1:17

prayers for your marriage. One

1:19

for every day of the year. This book has been

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in the making for over two years now and

1:23

we're so excited for each one of our listeners to pre-order

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1:28

on October 17th, but you can pre-order

1:30

it right now and be one of the first to receive

1:32

it when it's released. Please visit themarriagegift.com

1:35

to pre-order your copy today. Okay,

1:38

okay, okay. It's been

1:40

announced officially. It's official. We're

1:42

so excited to finally tell everyone in the whole

1:45

wide world that we wrote a book.

1:47

If you follow us on Instagram, we did post

1:49

about it, was it last week? Now

1:53

you're hearing it from us today. We

1:56

just sent an email. So this is like, we kind

1:58

of like finally just have announced.

1:59

Yep, that's good. We've been, you

2:02

know, hinting at it and saying things here and there, but it's

2:05

yeah, we're like

2:06

down with the wire. This is coming out in October.

2:08

We're so excited. Yeah.

2:09

What's cool is you can pre-order right now. It's on Amazon and

2:12

so many people already have, which is amazing. They've been messaging

2:14

us. I love the cover. Yeah, it's so cool.

2:17

Such a good one. Okay. So that's

2:19

a big, that's a big thing for us. We've been working

2:21

hard on it. Um,

2:23

we still got a lot of work to do with the marketing stuff,

2:25

but what else is going on in Aaron?

2:27

I heard you, I heard you took the kids

2:30

to swim lessons. Yes. I jumped on

2:32

a bandwagon with a friend who's also

2:35

doing swim lessons for some of her younger

2:37

kids. And so I just thought

2:39

there's a few of our kids that don't know how to swim yet. And

2:41

I throw them in and it's been really fun. True.

2:44

True. It's me. Right. True. It and white. Yeah. So

2:46

white kind of learned how to swim. Yeah. I just wanted

2:48

to make him like a confident swimmer and

2:50

I don't know. It's,

2:53

it's been really fun to watch them. Okay. Yeah.

2:55

I know they were nervous at first, but it sounds like they're having a lot of fun,

2:57

which is super fun. I actually really enjoy

3:00

settings where the kids are learning from

3:02

someone else and I'm just kind of watching.

3:04

I don't know. It's

3:06

right. Well, what I like about it is we can

3:08

come back to the kids later because sometimes they have a hard time

3:10

listening to us. Like that's what kids do. We

3:12

can say, Hey, you listened to that other teacher really

3:14

well. We need that. You should

3:15

listen to us too. Yeah. Like we can

3:18

kind of use it as like an example because they do see the difference.

3:21

So I like that. I've just enjoyed

3:23

it. Like they're piano teacher,

3:25

jujitsu teacher, like they're all different kinds of teachers.

3:27

Yeah. I gleaned from them too.

3:30

I'm like, Oh, I need to add this to when I'm teaching

3:32

homeschool or my character or whatever.

3:34

Maybe patient and you'd be

3:36

kind. It is

3:38

good that they learn how to, cause one

3:40

of them, I always tell the kids when your main goals right

3:42

now is to learn how to learn. Um,

3:45

so being around other teachers is

3:47

important. Yeah.

3:49

Those are the teaching styles, other personalities. So

3:52

that's really cool. Something else that happened

3:54

this week was, um, Truett

3:56

and Wyatt were playing with another friend

3:58

at jujitsu.

3:59

Um, after class and

4:02

I overheard Truett, he's four and

4:04

he just randomly asked the little boy, do you

4:06

know God? And he does it

4:08

a lot. Actually, the little boy said, yeah,

4:10

he's my friend. It was really

4:12

cute. But I just thought it's

4:15

so interesting when, like when things

4:17

like that pop up and it's like unprompted.

4:20

Uh, and then that led into a good

4:22

conversation during family Bible time this morning

4:25

and some of our other kids chimed in

4:28

on like, they were talking about how

4:31

some of the kids have a tendency to do it and

4:33

the others feel nervous or like that

4:36

it doesn't come as naturally or they worry about,

4:38

well, what's, what's the response going to

4:40

be? And it was just a really

4:42

cool conversation coming from my kids.

4:44

Uh, speaking of Truett, I took him

4:46

to the park the other day and he runs up and he's like, dad,

4:49

he's like, can I, can I take that little boy

4:51

over there? Can I, can he be my friend? I'm like, sure

4:54

you can get that. He's like, but what if he doesn't know God? I

4:56

was like,

4:56

go ask him. I don't know if he does or not. Not

4:59

everyone does. And it was just funny cause

5:01

he's always thinking about that. And I was like, but yeah,

5:03

go play with him. He's like, and then he stood there for a while. Like he was

5:05

like, it's okay. You could go to his,

5:07

you got nervous after asking me. He's

5:10

really funny. I like him a lot.

5:12

I like, I like seeing them hit that growth

5:15

spurt of like, they're not really like a

5:17

baby or a younger kid anymore, but

5:19

like he's going to be five soon.

5:20

They're learning independence, like it's like their

5:22

own person. Yeah. Yeah. It's cool. It

5:25

is cool. Okay. Anything else before

5:27

we move on? I don't think so. Okay.

5:30

We're jumping right into AI. Are you ready? You

5:33

put this note on. I want to know what you put this one. Okay. So,

5:35

um, we've actually had some good talks

5:38

about AI recently. I don't know if you guys

5:40

are talking about AI in your marriage,

5:42

artificial intelligence. It's a, it's

5:44

everywhere. Well, it's happening now. It's just, it's

5:47

a real thing now. I use it a lot. Okay.

5:49

Well, the reason that I'm bringing it up right now is

5:51

because, uh, when we do these

5:54

episodes or like I look for a

5:56

definition, I like to share with you guys.

5:59

I went.

5:59

to go Google about happiness because that's

6:02

the topic for today. And it now

6:04

gives you a summarizer, like an

6:07

AI summarizer. Um,

6:10

this was in a different browser that you have

6:12

on the computer, but I do think that,

6:14

I don't know, it's random, but it'll say

6:16

by AI and it'll have the links

6:18

to like where AI pulled the information

6:21

from, but it's essentially just summarizing

6:24

into, it's

6:25

not quite a definition, but it's summarizing

6:27

what people have said. Other main like themes

6:29

that pop up often about this topic. So

6:31

when I typed in the word happiness, this is

6:33

what the AI generator summarized.

6:37

Happiness is a state of wellbeing that encompasses

6:40

living a good life with a sense of meaning

6:42

and deep contentment. It is often

6:45

described as an emotional state characterized

6:47

by feelings of joy, satisfaction,

6:49

contentment, and fulfillment. The definition

6:52

of happiness can vary from person to person,

6:54

but is often described as involving positive

6:56

emotions and life satisfaction.

6:59

So

6:59

AI is going around and it's grabbing

7:02

what other people have said about it. Yeah.

7:05

And can conglomerizing or wherever the word

7:07

is, all these different ideas. What's

7:10

interesting about this is this is a more

7:13

concise definition of happiness. Cause

7:15

we're going to break down what the jet, what we generally look

7:17

for in happiness, but this, I like that this

7:20

pulled out things like satisfaction,

7:22

contentment, fulfillment, purpose, meaning,

7:24

uh, those are much deeper

7:27

things than just emotions, but

7:29

often

7:29

emotions come from them. So pretty good.

7:33

It's pretty crazy. Um, it's,

7:36

I know, I know it's really controversial right now, but, um,

7:38

I think there's going to be a lot of good that it can be used for, but there's

7:40

also going to be a lot of weird stuff. So

7:43

okay. So people are also

7:45

really creative. Um, when I was searching about

7:47

happiness, I stumbled upon this video

7:49

that popped up and it was like a short,

7:52

it was a short film that,

7:54

uh,

7:55

it was animated

7:58

and it was about this rat. Okay.

7:59

and it was placed in

8:02

like a New York style setting. And if

8:04

you can imagine, like all the billboards

8:06

on the sides of buildings or

8:11

even like going, there was a scene going up an escalator

8:14

and you just see all the moving,

8:16

everything's flashy and all the advertisements,

8:20

all the branding and the logos were very

8:22

recognizable.

8:23

I mean, all the brands you can think of, but

8:26

instead of the word of that

8:28

brand, all of them were replaced

8:30

with happiness. So it's at Nike, it's

8:32

at happiness. Exactly, Starbucks,

8:34

it's at happiness, but it was all in their

8:37

branding. And so it was really done very

8:39

cleverly. And

8:40

it just immediately hit me.

8:43

Cause I'm like, man, all the things that

8:45

we chase in life, all these extra little,

8:47

The quote unquote, make us feel happy. Yeah,

8:50

but it's like, but we don't see it as happiness. We just

8:52

see it as, oh, I gotta, I gotta have that thing

8:54

or I want that thing. I gotta have that coffee. I gotta have those

8:56

shoes. I gotta, you know, and it's like,

8:59

but this guy, whoever created this thing, just

9:01

put happiness, labeled everything happiness.

9:03

And it was funny cause you see that chase for

9:06

what it is. I thought that was really, really

9:08

interesting. Unconvicting

9:10

because it's true. And

9:12

that's one of the things we're going to talk about is

9:14

how we define our happiness and

9:16

what we're looking for to make us happy rather

9:20

than finding it in the right places.

9:21

Yeah. And by the end of it, it basically

9:23

showed that like nothing lasts cause this

9:26

rat was chasing after these different things,

9:28

which we'll talk about a little bit later, but that,

9:30

that feeling of happiness doesn't

9:33

last. Once you get that thing, then it

9:35

goes away and you start looking for the

9:37

next thing that makes you feel happy.

9:39

Well, speaking of what makes you feel happy,

9:42

what does, what is happiness to you? What

9:45

makes you happy? For you, Jennifer. No, what makes

9:47

you happier? What makes me happy? I

9:50

was actually thinking about it. So

9:53

I

9:54

don't, I don't, I don't think I put

9:56

things into like a bucket of like, ooh, that's

9:58

going to make me feel happy.

9:59

Okay, wait, let me let me change the

10:02

question. So what are those

10:04

times that are like picture perfect

10:06

or like, you know, how you take a mental picture in your

10:09

brain? Have you ever experienced a moment and you're

10:11

like, I want this moment to last forever. What's

10:13

that? Yeah. The, the, the

10:15

bummer is is they never do. Like I

10:17

think about, I, even when

10:19

I think about things that are coming up that I'm really excited about,

10:21

like trips we're going to go on, I

10:24

look back to past trips that I was

10:26

excited about going on and how their years

10:28

behind me now. Yeah. And I just know like, Oh,

10:31

that thing's gonna come up and it's going to go by so fast.

10:34

Um, so yes, there are things that,

10:37

so the other day we were at the lake with all of our, you know,

10:39

church and our kids and they were playing and

10:41

I was sitting in a, uh, launch, uh,

10:44

a lawn chair. What is it? Not a lawn chair. It's

10:46

a beach chair. And I was just

10:48

looking at the water and it was warm and it was breezy

10:50

and, and no one

10:51

was talking to me. I was just kind of there

10:53

and I was really happy. That's awesome.

10:55

I was enjoying it. There was another time where you,

10:58

you, we have like this little pop up tent and

11:01

it's like half a tent and just to block

11:03

the sun, I looked over and you were laying

11:05

there all by yourself. Just

11:06

napping. I was taking it out. I felt good. And

11:09

like every like 30 seconds I turned

11:11

around to see if you had moved or anything and I

11:13

really wanted to wake you up because I just, I wanted

11:15

to take a turn. I wanted to do what you did. You're

11:17

like, Oh,

11:18

get up. I want to lay down because it looks so nice. Well,

11:20

what happened was I could justify it because Edie

11:22

fell asleep on my lap and I was like, Oh,

11:25

if I wake him up now, I'll just tell him I want to lay down with Edie.

11:27

And then, okay.

11:29

So, so you took my happiness.

11:32

I was, I, wait, yep. Another

11:34

thing I thought about, I was walking by, um, as

11:37

we were coming to record this, I was walking by our back doors

11:40

and I saw my grass and it looks, I know

11:42

this is weird of like, I'm old guy now. I'm

11:45

like, man, I really like my grass. I've

11:47

worked really hard for that. And that's, I mean, it's not perfect, but

11:49

it's mine. And I just really liked it. You

11:52

know what's funny is

11:53

literally today I had that exact

11:55

same thought and I think it's because you mowed it yesterday.

11:58

And so it was very, it was very record.

11:59

Well, and it's greening

12:02

up quite nicely because I've kind of got the water

12:04

down right this year. I've

12:06

had a hard time. Could you hop on the grass? I know.

12:09

I'm happy on my grass. Okay, going back to this question.

12:11

This question, what makes you happy? I think for

12:13

me, when I feel

12:16

like we're in a space, especially with you and I

12:18

and our family where there's not

12:21

like a very specific hardship

12:23

or a thing that we're dealing with, like

12:25

everyone's healthy, we're outside

12:28

on

12:29

a warm sunny day,

12:31

you know, cruising on our bikes like that is.

12:34

And

12:34

we're not worried about something behind us. There's no rush

12:36

to get somewhere. There's no work

12:39

to be done. It's just us doing

12:42

something together.

12:43

That makes me happy. That

12:44

is quite nice.

12:46

It's simple. It

12:49

looks nice. Some interesting stuff that you

12:51

kind of, you found in your research with this.

12:54

I want to share some of that and how it pertains

12:56

to marriage, which is, I thought was really interesting

12:58

also.

12:58

Okay, so I was reading this blog

13:01

post by Unheard, which I've

13:03

actually never heard of. It's unheard

13:05

of. Yeah, it's unheard of. But it's there.

13:08

And as I was reading it, it said that

13:10

there was this study done where they found

13:12

that the best predictor of happiness in America

13:15

was marriage, which is interesting. I know. So

13:18

basically, this is what it says. I'm just going to read it

13:20

to you guys because I didn't have enough time to wrap my

13:22

head around it to just regurgitate.

13:26

Americans who are married with children are now leading

13:28

happier and more prosperous lives on

13:30

average than men and women who are

13:33

single and childless. It goes

13:35

on to say that this truth is born out

13:37

yet again in new research from the University

13:40

of Chicago, which found that marriage

13:42

is the most important differentiator

13:45

of who

13:45

is happy in America and that falling

13:48

marriage rates are a chief reason why happiness

13:51

has declined nationally. The research

13:53

surveying thousands of respondents revealed

13:56

a startling 30% point happiness divide

13:59

married and unmarried Americans.

14:01

30 percentage points of like someone

14:04

feels happy or not as

14:06

happy is between married and unmarried.

14:08

Yeah. That's amazing. I know. I thought it was

14:10

pretty cool. I was doing some research on,

14:13

um,

14:13

an article and potentially

14:16

a podcast that we can do in the future about divorce.

14:19

And one of the things that

14:21

I was looking up in the, in the statistics,

14:25

cause I was trying to pinpoint, um,

14:27

you know, when divorce started getting

14:29

like ramping up and there was a,

14:32

years ago, there was a court case that allowed

14:35

no fault divorce.

14:36

And from that point forward, divorce

14:38

started like getting much, much

14:41

more widespread, but

14:43

then it's been declining.

14:44

And I was like, well, that

14:46

doesn't, that doesn't, um, uh,

14:49

fit my narrative that I was trying to explain. I

14:51

was like, well, why is it declining? And then I was

14:53

doing more research. It's because married,

14:56

uh, marriage rates are declining.

14:58

Oh, so there's less divorce. There's less divorce because

15:00

there's less marriage. That's crazy. So

15:03

it's not that people are staying married longer.

15:05

It's that people aren't getting married at all. So

15:08

when you just were reading the failing, failing

15:10

marriage rates, falling marriage

15:12

rates, it's because there's less and less

15:14

people

15:15

getting married. Wow. Yeah.

15:18

Which is really sad. Yeah. Cause what

15:20

does that mean for society? Or

15:22

culture? Yeah. Okay. Well,

15:25

that's not our topic today, but based

15:27

off this, based off these statistics, less happy, at least.

15:31

Um, why do you think

15:33

that, I mean, obviously

15:35

we, we, we can't go into what

15:38

these people did on this survey, but why

15:40

do you think

15:42

people are happier being married?

15:45

Well,

15:46

I believe in God's design. It

15:49

doesn't mean that every single human being

15:51

in the planet is called to be married. I

15:53

couldn't say that for a fact. Um,

15:56

but marriage

15:58

by design.

15:59

many things that are in us naturally.

16:02

Like no one wants to be alone. Like God says to himself, it's

16:05

not good for man to be alone. So he gave him a help

16:07

made, a woman for him to enjoy

16:11

and to minister with and to take

16:13

care of the worth with and do all these things. So

16:16

those truths haven't changed. We

16:19

still need people. Yeah, that word loneliness

16:22

came up into my mind when I was reading this article. And

16:26

I thought back to all the times in marriage where

16:28

I was unhappy or frustrated with you

16:31

or frustrated with our condition

16:33

of marriage at that moment. And I remember,

16:35

especially in the early years, I used to think back,

16:38

I wish we were just dating

16:40

because for some reason there was this ideal or- I

16:42

don't miss that face of life at all. But for me, there

16:44

was this picture in my head that

16:46

when we were dating, we fought less or

16:48

that things were not serious or we, you know, Less

16:51

obligation, less responsibility. Yeah, but

16:53

I never went as far back as I

16:55

wish we weren't together or I wish I didn't know you. Oh,

16:58

that's interesting. Because I didn't want to be alone. I

17:00

just wanted to be in a different time that

17:02

made it to where it didn't feel as difficult. That's

17:05

true. I know. But it's true. It's like

17:08

we, I think about it. I'm like,

17:10

I love that I have you, even

17:13

with all the hard things. Like I wouldn't

17:15

trade that for singleness personally.

17:17

I know other people have, I know that's something that when

17:20

we get into these, kind of what we're talking

17:22

about today, I'm not happy. I need

17:24

to find happiness. Pursuit. And

17:26

we pursued something else that ends

17:28

up not making us any happier, but

17:31

we think it will.

17:32

Okay, one last thing before we move on from

17:34

this article that I was talking about. I

17:37

had scrolled down and read some of the comments of what

17:39

people were saying about it. And one

17:41

of them wondered that among

17:43

those who were surveyed, who are

17:46

happy and also married, they

17:48

wondered if there's like

17:50

a common, a commonality correlation

17:52

between those people. Like I

17:54

think they said specifically, like are they religious?

17:57

And is there like a something else

17:59

that makes. makes them happy, not necessarily that they're

18:01

married, but that certain life choices or ways

18:04

of being contributed to that.

18:06

And I thought that was interesting. Well, it goes back to

18:08

the thought of people getting married less too.

18:10

Well, I would imagine it does

18:13

on some level go down to belief systems

18:16

because like the group of people

18:18

that are not getting married

18:20

have a belief that marriage is not good. And

18:23

then there's going to be a group of people probably more

18:25

commonly religious. Many

18:29

different religions have a high

18:31

view of marriage. And so

18:33

I would say it goes down to belief. We had a whole

18:35

episode on this idea of belief and how powerful it is and what

18:38

and why, what it does

18:40

when we believe something causes

18:42

us to act. So I would agree.

18:44

And I think,

18:45

again, I don't know, but I would conjecture

18:48

that. Yes, they

18:50

probably have a commonality of beliefs. Interesting

18:53

things to think about. So when

18:56

it comes to happiness in marriage, we

18:58

really wanted to talk about this, even though I

19:01

mean, we say this all the time. We're not experts. We

19:03

don't, we

19:04

don't, you know, claim to have

19:07

all the answers, all the super answers for you guys. But

19:09

we do like to talk about things and have the discussion

19:12

because I mean, we've heard over the years

19:14

and

19:15

really it's been on repeat that if someone's

19:17

not happy in their marriage,

19:21

they kind of like look at their whole life

19:23

and define it by that. Some

19:25

people take matters into their hands

19:28

as far as like we already mentioned divorce and

19:30

pursuing happiness outside of marriage.

19:34

Well, and when you, some

19:36

things that we've actually seen when a spouse,

19:40

when a person defines their relationship

19:42

by their happiness, often

19:45

or sometimes they'll also look at their

19:48

understanding of God in that same way. And

19:50

I've, we've heard people say, God wants

19:53

me to be happy,

19:54

right? And I'm not happy. Yeah.

19:57

Therefore I need to change or leave or

19:59

find someone else. else, which is it's

20:02

not the biblical viewpoint of what

20:04

God, like God does want us to be happy, but

20:06

that's not his main focus.

20:09

He's not trying to say like, oh, I want everything in your

20:11

life to make you happy.

20:13

So it's just good that we're talking about this because if

20:15

we have a, what we believe about happiness is

20:17

going to dictate how we respond to times

20:20

when we're not happy.

20:20

Yeah. And in a world that tells you to

20:23

pursue happiness, we kind of wanted to get

20:25

in your today and say, hold up, wait

20:27

a minute. Let's evaluate this.

20:30

What does it mean to be happy? Why does

20:32

it matter to our marriage? And if we're

20:34

not happy, if we're, if we're, if we don't find

20:37

happiness in our marriage, what can we

20:39

do?

20:39

Because our vows matter.

20:42

And so we don't want to overlook that. Yeah.

20:46

And there's a,

20:47

there's a reason some, there's, there's

20:50

seasons in our marriages,

20:51

some longer than others

20:53

that we're not happy that

20:56

those, all those good feelings of peace

20:58

and contentment and satisfaction aren't,

21:00

they're non-existent. They are far

21:02

and few between their,

21:05

they're coded in hurt, frustration,

21:08

discontentment, loneliness, exhaustion,

21:11

pain.

21:12

And every marriage goes through these, goes

21:14

through these seasons. This is, this

21:17

is life where you're not going to not have those seasons.

21:19

It's impossible because you have two human beings

21:21

who have their own

21:23

personalities, their own backgrounds, their own histories.

21:25

And

21:26

that we can attest to because we are not

21:28

always happy in our marriage that we

21:30

have always happy. We

21:33

have definitely gone through seasons. Um,

21:36

where like in the beginning of our marriage, I would say

21:38

that was probably the most

21:40

unhappy we've ever been.

21:42

That was a really, really strenuous part

21:44

of our relationship. I would say it was in the top because

21:47

I feel like there's been some seasons since then. Well,

21:49

I mean, we've been married for almost 17 years.

21:51

So since then, there's been

21:53

seasons in and out that

21:55

we have both individually struggled with

21:59

feeling happy. Yeah, for sure. I

22:01

would say that in the beginning it was the most

22:03

consistent feeling of discontentment.

22:06

It was like a big chunk of just, yeah. And

22:10

general unhappiness. Which you can see

22:12

if like left unchecked, left untreated,

22:14

left to develop

22:16

into a motivation for leaving,

22:19

like we were on that trajectory. Yeah, we

22:21

were close to that. We were close to that. And

22:23

what's funny is if you would have known

22:25

us back then, and there's many that do, from the

22:29

outside we looked happy. Yeah. We

22:32

looked like we were kind of doing great. But

22:34

on the inside we were not feeling happy. Yeah, the opposite,

22:37

for sure. Yeah, so

22:40

even though we got through that first season we've had many since,

22:43

but what we're talking about is the fact

22:45

that

22:46

we are going to have hard seasons. We are going

22:48

to have seasons of

22:50

not feeling

22:51

great, not feeling happy.

22:55

That's like you were mentioning earlier,

22:58

if someone's defining their

23:00

entire marriage, their entire relationship. And

23:02

life. And life.

23:06

By these hard times

23:08

or by feeling happy. Right? Like,

23:10

no, I'm happy right now so this is perfect, but then

23:12

the moment you're not, the moment something affects

23:15

that. If that's how you're defining

23:17

where you're at, that's like a really unstable,

23:21

it's not, there's no stability in that because

23:23

outside

23:24

forces can affect

23:26

that without your control. And

23:29

so I think, like one thing I want

23:31

to talk about is I think there's a more stable way of

23:34

viewing our marriages than just seeing

23:37

happiness as the main

23:39

focus. I'm trying to have a happily ever

23:41

after. We've been convinced of that

23:43

by all sorts of movies over the years and

23:46

books. Is like, oh, that's what we're looking

23:48

for, is happily ever after. That's

23:50

a little funny thought. Every single time

23:52

I watch a movie and there's like a love

23:54

story, whether

23:56

it's a cartoon animated movie

23:59

and there's like this.

24:00

relationship. It's like, oh, it's so beautiful. It

24:02

was like, it was full of turmoil and full of venture and full

24:05

of all this. And then they finally get together. I always

24:07

think like, well, it's great that they just

24:09

showed like this moment where they're in love.

24:12

I said, but a lifetime's a long time.

24:14

And I just think about marriage and how the reality

24:17

of it is. And often when they do a sequel, that

24:20

relationship doesn't even exist anymore. I'm

24:22

like, well, they didn't even show you all the hard

24:24

stuff. They just, they, they glamorize that

24:26

one moment in time rather than the

24:28

reality of life.

24:30

Um, which is kind of what we, I mean,

24:33

we look for those moments for sure. And

24:35

we idolize them in

24:37

some way. We put them on a pistol

24:40

and we want that. And

24:41

we want that to just be a

24:43

continuous,

24:45

constant feeling, but that's

24:47

not reality. Do you

24:48

remember the last, I was at the last episode where we

24:50

were talking about goals and and how

24:53

we make the goalpost, the, that

24:55

like, oh, that's the, what we're looking for. And once I get

24:57

there, I'll

24:58

feel good, but forgetting

25:00

and not realizing that the journey is what we want. Yeah.

25:03

Like that. We actually want to

25:04

live a life moving towards joy

25:07

and peace and satisfaction. Not like

25:10

once we get there, that that's when I'll have it. Right.

25:12

That's good. Um, also when you're talking

25:14

about being unstable, like if you're only,

25:16

if you're only, um,

25:20

living life based off these emotions,

25:23

um, I thought about how contentment,

25:26

which we mentioned earlier as

25:29

the AI generator summarizer gave us

25:31

as part of the definition for

25:33

happiness was deep contentment. Um,

25:37

that requires self-control

25:39

to be in a state of

25:41

stability where you're, where you can look

25:44

at life regardless of what's happening around you and

25:46

say, wow, I have a really, I have,

25:49

I have an appreciation for life,

25:51

marriage, family,

25:54

whatever's going on right now

25:56

and be content in that moment.

25:59

Well, speaking

25:59

about trying to define what happiness

26:02

is, why don't we talk about what

26:04

happiness is? Like if we were to define

26:06

it,

26:07

what would some words you would say? You said

26:09

contentment, right? But before thinking of

26:12

contentment, before we got AIs, you know,

26:14

version of happiness, what kinds of things would we

26:16

think of? Fun. Yeah, that was something

26:18

I thought was like, I was thinking about the beach, I was like, that was

26:20

fun. Yeah.

26:22

Pleasure. Yep.

26:24

Right. Pleasure is something that brings

26:26

happiness. I'm thinking of many different

26:28

types of pleasures, you know, in marriage and outside of marriage.

26:30

I

26:30

would say like no stress, no

26:32

challenge, nothing hard. Yeah, so

26:35

comfort, stress free. So

26:38

again, I walk by my grass and I'm like,

26:40

oh, it's just there, it's mine. It's so simple, right?

26:45

So I think of, we can think

26:47

of happiness in these terms,

26:50

right? And all these things do bring happiness.

26:53

Like when you're having fun with your family, you're

26:55

bringing happiness into the home. When

26:57

you're, you know, when there's pleasure in your

26:59

marriage, that's a good thing. And especially,

27:02

I mean, the stress free one is

27:04

a really big one. When I think about

27:06

the things that make me the happiest, the

27:09

times when there's, I'm not thinking about work,

27:11

I'm not thinking about finances, I'm not thinking about struggles

27:14

or relational issues. I'm just in

27:17

the moment enjoying it

27:19

stress free. Yeah, it's pleasant. But,

27:22

and those are all good things. But

27:26

technically, let's

27:28

talk technically for a minute. So biologically,

27:30

like what is the, if you were to truly

27:33

define what's happening when someone feels

27:35

happy, when someone's feeling these, these

27:38

emotions,

27:40

their chemical responses in our body. And

27:43

the reason I want to bring this up is because I think it'd be helpful

27:45

for us as Christians, as

27:48

husbands and wives to recognize

27:51

the difference between the flesh and the

27:53

spirit.

27:54

Recognize the difference between like, because if we just say the word

27:56

happiness, like, okay, like God wants to

27:58

be happy. Of course, he talks about being blessed.

27:59

Bible. We're going to get to some of those scriptures here

28:02

in a minute, but technically,

28:04

in our bodies, God has created us a certain way.

28:07

God has created us with receptors

28:09

and hormones, and

28:12

those get interpreted in

28:15

our physical, how

28:18

we respond to things, how we, like, crying or

28:21

smiling or laughing or exhilaration,

28:24

all those things come. But what they are is their chemical

28:27

response is a hormone gets released in the body in our

28:29

brain, goes to different

28:31

receptors. Our receptors receive

28:33

them. They trigger other responses in the body

28:36

that make us feel happy.

28:38

Good. So things like

28:40

sex, food, words of

28:43

affirmation, those things are

28:45

external stimuluses that

28:48

cause your body to release these hormones

28:50

that then

28:51

are attributed to our happiness or feeling

28:53

good. Those chemicals are serotonin,

28:56

dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin.

29:00

Many of those get released during sex. Many of

29:02

those get released during eating food or

29:05

working out or doing something

29:07

fun with, like, all sorts of things that

29:09

release these things in our bodies.

29:12

They're released in different ways at different times. And

29:17

when we experience something that our body wants

29:19

and enjoys, that's what happens. So

29:22

what we're discussing happiness, we're discussing

29:24

like these, these things like, oh, looking at the grass that

29:26

makes me feel happy. Why

29:28

I'm looking at it and something in my brain is happening

29:30

of looking at it, freshly cut, looking at

29:32

it green, that the pleasures of my eye, looking

29:35

at it are releasing something in my brain

29:37

that makes me feel good about that. Do you think,

29:39

sorry to cut you off, do you think that part

29:41

of it too is just the knowing the knowledge

29:44

of the work you put into it,

29:46

the cost

29:46

of mindfulness? Yeah. Yeah. There's like a sense

29:48

of pride that like you've, you've experienced

29:51

the grass when it wasn't, when

29:53

it wasn't full and luscious and green.

29:55

And I also experienced it when it was dirt, you put

29:57

the work into it to make it what it was.

29:59

sense of pride.

30:00

Which that also

30:03

releases those endorphins, releases

30:05

those different hormones that makes me be like,

30:08

wow, I feel good right now. And

30:11

the Bible talks about the

30:13

flesh or the desires of the flesh,

30:15

and that's what I'm talking about. So when

30:18

we crave something, it's because that thing that

30:20

we crave, when we

30:21

have it, we know it's going to make us feel good.

30:23

It released those chemicals and our brain's like, I like

30:25

those chemicals because they feel good. Yeah.

30:27

Do that again. That's how God

30:30

made us. He made our bodies

30:32

with these hormones. They're all good from Him.

30:35

When He made us, He said, but it was very good.

30:39

But it's when we

30:40

allow those chemicals

30:43

to control us, to define us, that's

30:45

when we get into a problem. So

30:48

those chemical processes in our body, they're

30:51

good.

30:52

But when they're left to be in charge,

30:55

they will lead us in unhealthy and sinful behaviors. So

30:59

in the Bible, it says

31:01

to

31:02

put to death the deeds of the flesh. It's

31:05

not

31:06

just saying something spiritual.

31:09

It's saying something physical. It's why fasting

31:11

is a real thing. Fasting

31:13

is a spiritual discipline, but what it is, is it's

31:16

training your body. It's training

31:18

your mind, your stomach. It's

31:20

saying, I know that my body wants

31:23

this thing,

31:24

needs this thing actually. And if I don't

31:26

have it, I will die. But it's saying, I'm

31:28

going to tell my body no,

31:31

for the sake of the Spirit. And

31:35

so here,

31:37

here example of letting

31:39

the flesh, so letting the flesh be in charge.

31:42

So sex is good. God made it. It's

31:44

a good thing,

31:44

but sex outside the

31:47

boundaries of marriage is not good. So

31:49

God gave us all the chemicals in our brain to enjoy sex.

31:52

But if you're not self controlled and you start looking

31:55

for that and doing that outside

31:57

of your marriage, yeah, you're going to have the consequences.

32:00

Yeah, and if you find and if you get

32:02

those hormones from other

32:04

ways

32:05

Other than how God designed it that

32:08

unhealthy way becomes a

32:11

destructive behavior Yeah, and

32:13

so we see if we start

32:15

defining happiness in the sense of like well,

32:17

am I being led by my?

32:19

Body my flesh my hormones

32:23

or am I being led by the spirit? Those

32:25

are the questions we get to ask So

32:28

What do you what do you thoughts on that real

32:30

quick?

32:30

No, it's really good. I could just sit

32:32

here and listen to you It's

32:37

good keep going so

32:41

So often this is the happiness we seek so

32:44

when we were defining happiness like fun We

32:47

want something that's gonna make us feel good. Well,

32:49

we want to experience things that are gonna release these chemicals

32:51

in our brains

32:52

That's what I've I've dealt with with food.

32:54

I feel like for a really long time Like

32:57

a coping mechanism of like I don't feel

32:59

good right now. What can I do? it's the quickest way to

33:02

get that response in my brain

33:04

and my body to

33:05

change my mood and It

33:09

was only like probably two

33:11

or three months ago I remember we were on

33:13

a drive somewhere and I've and I told you this I

33:15

said I feel like for the first time in My life

33:17

I've I've been able to

33:19

have self-control in this area of food and

33:22

it feels empowering It's so cool to be able

33:24

to it's so it's so empowering. Yeah

33:26

to walk in and so think about

33:29

the the physical version of happiness

33:31

versus the spiritual version

33:33

of happiness. Yeah,

33:35

two very different things. They're very two

33:37

very different things because I always

33:40

think of Paul in prison

33:43

singing and he's and he's there

33:45

or Peter in prison like they

33:48

Had a different kind of happiness. It wasn't

33:50

happiness based off their circumstances. It wasn't having

33:52

a space of a feeling good They were

33:55

half naked or fully naked beaten

33:57

hungry cold in the

34:00

dark.

34:02

And yet, crazy. They have a different

34:04

kind of happiness. And

34:06

that's the kind of happiness that God

34:08

wants for his children. Not

34:10

that we're just sitting here in our flesh

34:14

at the whim of those hormones, whether

34:16

they're good ones or bad ones, which

34:19

gets me to the other half of

34:21

this is when we don't feel happy,

34:23

those are also chemical responses

34:26

in our brains.

34:26

Yeah, just the negative side of... Yeah,

34:30

and God also gave us those.

34:34

Those responses when we get hurt or

34:36

when we're afraid, those

34:39

natural responses of the body release cortisol

34:41

or adrenaline or actual

34:44

pain signals from our nervous

34:46

system in our body. Those are also

34:48

good things. But when you live in those

34:51

too long, they're

34:52

bad for you.

34:54

So on both sides, if you

34:57

just operate in the flesh, let's

34:59

say you have just a life full of happiness and

35:01

all the good, happy chemicals in your brain, you're

35:04

literally jumping from one addiction to the next trying to keep

35:06

those chemicals because your body gets adjusted

35:09

to the amount that is released, and

35:11

then it needs more. But

35:14

you go the other way, cortisol, adrenaline, those

35:16

things, when there's too much in your body,

35:18

you start having health problems, you

35:20

start having mental problems,

35:23

you start having emotional

35:25

problems.

35:27

So God doesn't

35:29

want us to be at the whim of our flesh,

35:32

because our flesh when left to itself, it

35:35

gets into all sorts of trouble.

35:36

Going back to that word, stability that

35:38

you brought up, you can kind of see the

35:40

scales when you're talking about the negative

35:43

and the positive responses to stimulus.

35:46

I

35:47

don't have much more to say about that. But just that word, stability

35:49

means a lot to me right now as I'm listening. Yeah.

35:52

So are we going to be people that

35:54

are just at the whim of the bad chemicals and the good chemicals

35:56

in our brains?

35:57

Like those, those aren't going away.

35:59

they're there. God gave, they're good things

36:02

when

36:03

under the control of the Spirit of God, when

36:07

under the control of the will of God. So

36:10

what that means is you can be filling

36:13

the adrenaline from fear,

36:16

but still be at peace knowing

36:19

what God says. So

36:21

you could feel that it could be physically

36:23

happening in your body. Like I feel like

36:25

I'm going to die and still have the

36:28

peace of God that

36:30

surpasses all understanding,

36:31

wash over us and live in

36:33

that peace. That's where you get things

36:36

like bravery or courage.

36:39

Those are things that are not chemical responses

36:41

in the brains. Those are actions taken

36:44

despite what everything

36:46

in your body is telling you.

36:47

That's really cool. Yeah. That's

36:50

awesome. So for like,

36:54

for people who want to experience

36:56

the good

36:57

chemicals and

36:59

experience happiness, but

37:02

they want something that

37:05

they shouldn't,

37:06

or they're pursuing it in

37:08

a direction that would be fatal to their

37:11

marriage relationship or family, what

37:14

is the choice there? What is the choice

37:17

they make to walk in a way

37:19

that they experience what you're talking about? Well,

37:22

I would say

37:24

what the Word of God is to us is

37:26

the external

37:28

stimuli that our spirits

37:31

need.

37:32

So our flesh, if we just

37:34

walk in it, it's going to do what it wants.

37:37

If we walk in the Spirit,

37:39

we will not gratify the desires of the flesh. That's

37:41

what the Word says. So looking

37:43

to the Word of God and

37:45

letting that be

37:47

the defining factor of what's

37:50

true. Because what we

37:53

feel is going to fight with what's

37:55

true. And so often when

37:58

we get into this play, what I feel right now, I'm like,

37:59

want this thing, it's going to make me feel better. We're

38:02

calling that truth

38:04

and where God's saying, well, self-control

38:08

is a fruit of the Spirit

38:10

and I want you to walk in that. So

38:13

there's a, I always go back to God

38:15

created us. He knows exactly how we work. Like

38:18

he designed our brains. He,

38:20

all of the things that, how

38:22

our bodies work was his idea. He

38:25

totally understands it.

38:26

So we can trust him. Yeah. And so the,

38:28

an idea of what we're talking about in Ecclesiastes

38:32

one, seven through eight says all streams run

38:34

to the sea, but the sea is not full

38:37

to the place where the streams flow there. They flow

38:39

again. So

38:40

he's, sounds like a riddle, babe. Yeah. But he's, what

38:42

he's saying is, is do you ever

38:44

see the, the oceans don't keep overflowing?

38:47

Yeah. But yeah, water keeps going to them

38:49

forever. And so

38:51

the next verse he says, all things are full of weariness.

38:54

A man cannot utter it. The eye is not

38:56

satisfied with seeing nor the

38:59

ear filled with hearing.

39:00

So this goes back to what you said about how

39:02

our bodies get accustomed to or

39:04

adjusted to the chemicals

39:07

released and then we want more. Our

39:10

eyes are never done wanting to see more

39:12

things. Yeah.

39:13

It's why the movie industry even exists. It's why picture

39:16

books have existed forever. It's why paintings and artists

39:19

like, and just

39:20

what God created

39:22

people that want to just be out of nature, you

39:24

haven't gone over a mountain crest on a hike

39:27

and said, oh, that's it. Yeah. I don't

39:29

need to see any more. We've

39:31

never seen enough. And the ear is the same.

39:33

What it's saying is the flesh is never satisfied.

39:37

And so if you try and feed the flesh, it

39:39

will

39:40

only want more always.

39:42

If we feed just the

39:44

carnal, when is the idea of carnal means fleshly.

39:47

Yeah. If we're just walking in the flesh,

39:50

then we're just gratifying whatever the flesh wants, what

39:52

it sees it wants, what it wants to hear it hears, what

39:54

it wants to taste it tastes, what it wants to eat it eats, what it wants to drink

39:57

it drinks, what it wants to where it wants to go, it goes. Mm-hmm.

39:59

rather than being subject to something else outside

40:02

of your flesh that then dictates your

40:04

flesh and says, no flesh, you

40:06

go here. I don't want to go there.

40:08

Well, it doesn't matter because this is the right

40:10

place to go. This is the good place to go. Like

40:14

when we're at odds,

40:16

what's the right thing to do? Not the thing my

40:18

flesh wants. Stop, pray, hug,

40:21

reconcile. My flesh doesn't want none of that. My

40:24

flesh wants to be right. My flesh wants to be justified.

40:26

My flesh wants to be everything that like

40:29

to protect

40:29

me. My flesh wants to leave the house right now. My flesh

40:31

wants to,

40:32

well, that's another, yeah, my flesh wants to run. My flesh

40:34

wants to hide. My flesh wants to shut down or yell

40:37

because that's how we deal with cortisol. Yeah.

40:40

Cause those are again, adrenaline cortisol.

40:42

You're going to respond to that differently than I do. Yeah. Yeah.

40:45

That was another thing. I was in that book I'm reading.

40:48

He was talking about how men do

40:51

tend to respond differently

40:53

in those when there's a flooding of,

40:55

of quick cortisol in the system. Um,

40:58

on average men will shut down.

41:01

Cause it's just, they can't handle it anymore. Where

41:03

women

41:04

who have an unnatural ability

41:07

to handle more because of children,

41:09

uh, um, and a plethora

41:11

of other things that dynamics that go on a

41:13

woman's body and mind, um, can

41:16

handle more usually. That's not,

41:18

doesn't mean every single person that way, but

41:20

I think you mentioned this book in the last episode

41:23

or two, but for those who might be new,

41:25

what are you referring to? It's a, the

41:27

seven principles for making marriage work. Okay.

41:29

Yeah. Um, I haven't finished yet,

41:32

but I'm currently really, really enjoying it. Yeah.

41:34

Okay. Well, um, okay.

41:36

So you're talking about if we live,

41:38

um, live by the flesh, eventually

41:40

it will lead to destructive behaviors

41:44

and ways of being that, um,

41:48

oppose God's word and what

41:51

he said. Well, and even if we don't

41:53

identify those behaviors as destructive, if

41:56

we are living a life where we're just trying to like,

41:59

I I'm mad.

41:59

right now because you're not making

42:02

me happy. I'm

42:04

unsatisfied right now because you have

42:06

done this thing that

42:09

has stolen my happiness. You're

42:11

getting in the way of my happiness. If we've put

42:14

our these chemical responses,

42:16

again if we just boil it down to what it is, on

42:18

a pedestal, we idolize those

42:21

feelings of I need to be

42:24

feeling a certain way always

42:26

with you. That's a destructive behavior

42:28

in itself because it's not walking in the

42:31

spirit.

42:31

It's not seeking after what

42:34

pleases God. It's not saying, okay

42:36

God, I don't feel happy

42:39

right now but the right thing to do is to do this.

42:42

The right thing to do is to love my wife as Christ loves

42:45

the church. The right thing to do is to submit

42:47

to my husband. The right thing to like, yeah, my

42:49

flesh never wants to do those things. Your flesh

42:51

never wants to do those things.

42:54

Going back to that video that I watched about the rat,

42:59

it was really interesting. There's this

43:01

part where there's

43:03

a flashing happiness sign for

43:05

a new car. It looks like a red Porsche. It's a

43:07

happiness car. It's a happiness car. It actually

43:09

looks really fun to drive.

43:12

You see the next shot is him driving

43:14

it and just cruising like up and down these hills.

43:16

The wind's blowing, sun's out. It's awesome.

43:19

Then he hits traffic and then he gets

43:21

a parking ticket and it's just

43:24

like,

43:24

but it goes from that

43:26

to then he sees

43:29

a poster while he's sitting in traffic for

43:32

alcohol.

43:33

Then it shows him going through

43:35

a bottle instead of a bottle of happiness. It

43:37

shows him drinking to the point of passing out. Then

43:40

it shows him

43:41

getting a prescription for

43:44

some drug. He jumps into a bottle of

43:46

pills and then it switches. The animation

43:48

on the video switches completely because it's like

43:51

dream state, like euphoric,

43:53

whatever effect that the drug had on

43:55

him.

43:56

But then he comes down

43:58

off of that and he looks at it and he's like,

43:59

He looks miserable and

44:01

then he's chasing money and it's just going from one

44:04

thing to the next and it was so interesting

44:06

but at the very end he gets trapped

44:08

in a mousetrap

44:09

but like his only his head

44:11

and hands get trapped and it zooms out

44:13

and he's at a desk like just working away

44:17

with a bunch of other.

44:19

To me you hear that phrase like it's

44:21

the rat race you know but

44:23

he was just chasing one thing after another and everything

44:26

let him down. Everything also

44:28

gave him this huge disappointment and

44:32

was leading him to

44:34

these destructive behaviors but

44:36

nothing stopped it just kept going in that same

44:39

direction.

44:39

We do this in our marriages we

44:42

tend to you know

44:44

as individuals but also as a

44:46

couple we'll say there's this thing

44:48

in the distance

44:50

and once we get that

44:52

then we'll be happy. Once

44:55

I get that new car I'll be happy like you're just

44:58

that rat race or that promotion then

45:00

I'll be happy or once my spouse

45:02

starts treating me this way I'm doing

45:04

it I'll be happy.

45:05

X, Y, and Z. Yeah once we get

45:07

to a point together where we can

45:10

and it Romans 8 13 puts it this

45:12

way for if you live according to the flesh

45:14

you will die. So

45:17

how serious is it that we recognize

45:19

what is fleshly and what is not? If

45:22

you live according to the flesh you will die but

45:24

if by the spirit you put to death the deeds of the body

45:27

you will live. So the deeds

45:29

of the body is it's living in such

45:31

a way that we are essentially worshipping

45:34

ourselves and how we

45:36

feel in the moment or don't

45:38

feel in the moment

45:39

rather than what

45:42

does God say? Yeah.

45:44

You know who are we in Christ? So

45:47

true happiness is much more than

45:49

just a physical response to external stimuli.

45:52

So physical happiness those chemical

45:55

responses is just that. It's just

45:57

a chemical response that can be switched on or

45:59

off. based off of something going into your

46:01

body or something that you're seeing or

46:04

experiencing.

46:06

But God wants us to have something different,

46:09

something

46:11

much more than that physical

46:13

response. Now those physical responses

46:15

are

46:16

natural.

46:17

They will come also, especially

46:20

in the right confines like in marriage, that

46:23

a lot of those chemicals are really good because

46:25

they cause me to crave

46:27

you.

46:28

So that's

46:32

how God made us.

46:34

But

46:36

our spiritual response, our spiritual happiness

46:38

can come regardless of external stimuli. Like

46:41

I was talking about with Paul and Peter in prison and their

46:44

true happiness had nothing to do with their circumstances.

46:48

That everything do with something else. Why

46:50

don't you read that verse?

46:52

It's Psalms 1, 1-3.

46:54

Blessed is the man who

46:56

walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor

46:59

stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat

47:01

of scoffers, but his delight is in the law

47:03

of the Lord, and on his law he meditates

47:06

day and night. He has like a tree planted

47:08

by streams of water that yield its fruit in its

47:10

season, and its leaf does not wither, and

47:12

all that he does he prospers. That

47:15

last verse, verse 3, that is like

47:17

that one of those mental pictures that like if I

47:19

was that tree sitting by the water yielding fruit,

47:22

like I would just be the happiest.

47:24

Right, but the

47:26

first psalm,

47:27

this first prayer, this first psalm

47:31

tells us how to have true happiness. That

47:34

word blessed, it's also used as happy. Happy

47:37

is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked.

47:40

And this is,

47:43

the man who is happy, this person

47:45

who is blessed like this does

47:47

one thing and doesn't do another.

47:50

Delights in the law of the Lord, in the word.

47:52

And doesn't

47:53

seek or stand or walk with

47:55

sinners and scoffers and wickedness. So

47:58

he avoids that.

47:59

avoids

48:00

those things

48:03

and

48:04

abides in another.

48:06

He delights in the

48:08

law of the Lord. He delights in the Word of God and

48:10

meditates on a day and night. So his mind

48:14

is on God's Word. And

48:19

because of that, he prospers.

48:20

And when it's saying

48:23

prospers, I know we like to think of that,

48:25

like, oh, we'll be financial, and we'll be...

48:28

But again, this

48:29

blessedness, this happiness,

48:33

it has nothing to do with our

48:35

bank account or with the car that we have

48:38

or our health or the food in the

48:40

refrigerator or the home we have. Every

48:42

single one of those things changes at some point. It

48:45

starts to deteriorate or it gets

48:47

used. He says, don't be foolish,

48:49

chase after wealth, for it's here today and gone tomorrow. It

48:52

withers like the grass. It just

48:54

disappears. The thing

48:56

he didn't say that we're like grass planted

48:58

by a stream. No, we're a tree. But

49:01

if you see what it says, like it says, in

49:03

its season it bears fruit.

49:05

It leaves never wither.

49:07

So think about that as a human, like when we aren't,

49:10

when we're unhappy, discontent, unsatisfied,

49:13

we're not in God's Word, our eyes

49:16

are on the wrong things. We're

49:18

looking for someone to just make us feel better or

49:20

something to make us feel better.

49:22

I've heard other people say too, like... When

49:24

you're not like in God's Word for

49:27

a while, people will say, I just feel like I'm in a like spiritual drought.

49:29

I just feel like I'm in a desert.

49:32

Have you heard people say that? Yeah, and we all know what that feels like. Yeah. Because

49:35

we've all done it. And I was just watching

49:37

another video of someone, a place

49:39

did a study about people reading

49:41

the Word of God and they took people and they said people

49:44

that were reading the Word of God four times a week had like 30%,

49:46

you know, less depression, 30% more, you know, happiness, And

49:51

it was like just giving these examples

49:54

of people just being just reading the Word of God. They

49:56

said like 65% less porn use. all

50:00

these big numbers changing just

50:02

from someone reading the Bible regularly, because

50:05

it transforms us by renewing

50:07

our noggins. And then we

50:09

make different choices. But we

50:11

also think differently.

50:13

That's what we're trying to talk about today, is

50:15

if

50:16

we think one way about happiness, then that's what

50:18

we're going to do. Yeah. So in changing

50:21

how we think about our life and saying like,

50:23

is my marriage just here to make me happy right

50:26

now? No. It's here to do so

50:28

much more than that.

50:30

I think you had a really good note on here about

50:35

how unhappiness is necessary.

50:38

Can you share that? Yeah, it was something that I was reading.

50:42

There's this

50:43

six-week course study

50:46

that

50:46

Harvard puts out about happiness. That's

50:49

interesting. Yeah. But in it, somebody

50:51

was reviewing this course

50:54

and they pulled this quote from

50:56

it. And it says, happiness

50:58

requires some amount of unhappiness.

51:01

Because

51:03

we need somebody to compare it to. But I

51:06

think that's the point though, is

51:08

if we just have a having

51:11

a spiritual view of our marriage,

51:13

of our life, of things that we

51:16

think make us happy, because there

51:18

might be something that brings us happiness in

51:20

our mind, in our bodies, that God's like,

51:22

I don't want that for you.

51:24

And so you actually have to choose to get rid

51:27

of the thing that currently is making you happy. Like

51:29

you said, food was something that you use to comfort

51:31

you. I used to go to things

51:33

that I shouldn't to get satisfaction. And I would get

51:36

really frustrated if

51:39

I restricted myself on a diet or whatever.

51:41

And you felt unhappy. And I felt very unhappy,

51:43

but it wasn't until I understood the

51:46

purpose and the why and the reason why

51:48

I was

51:49

making that decision and agreeing with that and

51:52

accepting it,

51:53

that I actually felt happier without

51:56

the thing and more empowered and stronger

51:58

and healthier. And but you had to change. when you thought about it.

52:01

Yeah. You had to change how

52:03

you thought about the thing that you thought was making you happy.

52:07

Right? Yes. So,

52:09

like you said, we don't have the answers. But

52:11

the things that we wanted to point out to you guys listening

52:15

is,

52:17

well, how are we defining our happiness in our

52:19

marriage? Are we defining it based

52:21

off of how we feel all the time?

52:23

Are we just letting... When it goes to that

52:25

feeling, like that feeling comes and goes.

52:27

It doesn't last and it's not realistic

52:30

to have this desire to be happy all the time

52:32

knowing that.

52:34

Right. Well, when we recognize, like, well, this is how

52:37

I feel right now is, I mean,

52:39

there is spiritual connotations

52:41

to how we feel. True. But

52:44

in general, the physical response, like

52:47

when you have

52:48

adrenaline in your body, there's an actual physical

52:50

feeling that you feel like you're having

52:52

a hard time breathing and your breathing is faster

52:55

and you're sweating and you're like, I just need

52:57

to go and run and get out of here because your body is trying

52:59

to deplete that. But

53:02

if we just look at our life and are just

53:04

trying to define it by

53:05

those responses to the

53:08

stimulus that's happening in our marriage or

53:10

in our lives, we're going to miss out on the deeper

53:13

happiness, that blessedness that God's calling

53:16

us to experience with Him that

53:18

is so much more stable because

53:21

it is

53:23

there and available to us

53:25

as believers regardless of

53:27

how our spouse is being,

53:29

regardless of our circumstances,

53:31

regardless of our health, our bank accounts,

53:34

you name it. Whatever you're looking

53:36

at and think, that's what I want to

53:38

be happy.

53:40

God says, no, I want you to be satisfied

53:42

with me and you will be blessed

53:45

with that. And you'll be like a tree who

53:47

is never withering and the fruit will come

53:50

in its season and you'll have the water of

53:52

life flowing through your roots.

53:54

Amen.

53:55

That was really good. I feel like we could...

54:00

Keep going. Let's go. Okay. I was going to say,

54:02

I feel like we could stop right there. Okay. Right.

54:05

Yeah, let's do it. That was really good. Okay.

54:08

So thanks for listening, guys. We really

54:10

do enjoy podcasting and being here with

54:13

you. And so thanks for, thanks for joining

54:15

us. Uh, we always end every episode

54:17

with a growth spurt, a moment

54:19

where we can challenge you to do something

54:22

specific. Um,

54:24

that would encourage growth in your marriage.

54:26

So this month, the month of August,

54:29

we want to encourage you to keep your eyes on

54:31

the prize

54:33

on your spouse. Oh, your spouse

54:35

is the prize. I like that you did that. Your spouse is the prize.

54:38

Don't over them this month. Um,

54:40

to don't over someone means to show excessive fondness

54:43

or love. Another definition

54:45

said, even in a foolish way, but

54:48

to don't over them, keep your eyes on them. Um,

54:51

go the lengths and go the distance to just make

54:54

them smile.

54:55

Okay. Wait, I didn't smile at them. I was

54:57

just going to say, do you remember, um, the

55:00

ha ha game from junior high

55:02

or whatever? Okay. You lay on each other. You

55:04

put

55:04

your head on their belly. Well, one person

55:07

lays on their back. The other person lays in their back, but

55:09

at a,

55:10

is it perpendicular? Yeah. So your

55:12

head, my head is on your stomach.

55:13

And then you take turns saying, ha ha until

55:16

you just go back and forth, back and forth.

55:18

We did it in big groups. We did it. Yeah. You do it

55:20

with a lot of people. And the first person

55:22

says ha once the second person says ha ha. And

55:25

you try and see how far you can get before everyone starts laughing.

55:27

Yeah. It was actually really fun. So

55:29

if you want to do that with your spouse, you can do that. The

55:32

ha ha game.

55:34

Anyways, make each other smile this week

55:36

and just

55:37

smile at each other. Yes.

55:40

And just enjoy each other and try to be content

55:44

in whatever's going on in life and

55:46

marriage.

55:47

Awesome. Why don't you pray for us? Okay. Dear

55:49

Lord, thank you for marriage. Whether times

55:51

are good or more challenging, we pray we would hold

55:53

fast to one another. We pray we'd embrace

55:56

and enjoy each other. We pray we would be grateful

55:58

for the ways we make each other.

55:59

happy. Lord help us to never idolize

56:02

a state of happiness or pursue it above our

56:04

relationship with you. We pray we can accept

56:07

the times of unhappiness in order to appreciate

56:09

the times we experience pure joy. May

56:12

our emotions remain in control as

56:14

we keep in step with your spirit. In Jesus' name,

56:16

amen.