0:00

Jesus is first. He's the foundation of

0:02

our marriage, the foundation of our family.

0:04

The marriage is second, and

0:06

children come third. And this is a very important

0:08

thing for parents to understand. If

0:10

you give up your marriage for your children, your

0:13

children are going to leave. And when your children

0:15

leave home, you're going to go into a crisis. You're going to have

0:17

a—if you're still married, you're

0:19

going to have a shell of a marriage. The other thing is, how

0:22

are your children going to succeed in marriage if you don't

0:24

show them how?

0:25

[♪ music ♪ Welcome

0:29

to the Marriage Day Podcast. We are Jimmy and Karen Evans.

0:31

This podcast exists to help

0:33

every couple succeed in marriage. I'm

0:36

joined today by my wife, Karen. Karen, good to have

0:38

you here. It's

0:38

very good to be here. We've been married 50

0:41

and a half years. Fifty and a half. Fifty

0:44

and a half. They all matter. Can it be

0:46

a half already? Yeah, it has been. We

0:49

were married May 11th of 1973. I

0:53

thought December would be half. Huh? Is

0:55

December half? I think September. I

0:58

can't do the math. I'm too old. But anyway,

1:01

it's been a— It is nice to be married to you over 50 years. It's

1:04

been wonderful. We've had a wonderful

1:06

marriage for many, many years. Had

1:08

lots of problems early on. And

1:11

we're going to talk in this show about parenting, and

1:13

this is called United We Stand. We're

1:15

going to talk about being a united front as

1:18

parents. And now, we wrote a book

1:20

with our daughter

1:22

called Fighting for the Soul of Your Child.

1:25

This is available at store.xomarriage.com.

1:29

It's available on Amazon.com. And the purpose of

1:31

the book is just to help parents to be equipped

1:34

to raise children in these times.

1:37

The young lady that we wrote the book with, Jenny

1:39

Morgan, she's 24 years old. And

1:42

Jenny said that there aren't any parenting books

1:44

for her generation. She said that all the parenting

1:46

books are for the— They're 20

1:49

or 30 or 40 years old. So we wrote

1:51

this for a current time to help parents really

1:53

have the skills and tools, know

1:56

how to parent. But this issue of being

1:58

a united front, Karen, is—

1:59

huge because

2:02

children are instinctively divisive.

2:06

Well and so are people. Yeah. You

2:08

know, if you're not making your marriage

2:11

a priority, a good foundation

2:13

for a marriage at the beginning and then

2:15

you start having kids and you haven't laid

2:18

the foundation of a good marriage, you

2:20

are going to have those ups and downs of division

2:22

that the kids can get a hold of the situation

2:25

and see the vulnerability, the

2:27

weaknesses and they do take advantage

2:29

of

2:29

it. Yeah. You showed

2:31

me many years ago an Oprah episode where

2:34

Oprah was talking to a group of

2:36

women on her show and

2:39

these women were, they were talking about being mothers and

2:41

they were bragging about their

2:44

motherhood and they were saying, I live for my

2:46

children. I just live for my children. Well, what

2:48

those women didn't know is their

2:50

husbands were behind the stage

2:52

in a room listening to what those

2:55

women were saying and they were very resentful

2:57

and they were saying, that's the problem. That's

2:59

the problem. So our children are third. Jesus

3:02

is first. He's the foundation of our marriage,

3:05

the foundation of our family. The marriage is second

3:08

and children come third and this is a very important

3:10

thing for parents to understand. If

3:13

you give up your marriage for your children, your

3:15

children are going to leave and when your children

3:17

leave home, you're going to go into a crisis. You're going to have

3:19

a, if you're, if you're still married, you're

3:21

going to have a shell of a marriage. The other thing is how

3:24

are your children going to succeed in marriage if you don't

3:26

show them and so one of the things

3:28

that we did, Karen, is our marriage came first

3:31

and we told our children that that, you know, so

3:34

we, I would come home from work. We

3:36

would eat dinner together as a family. We would spend time with

3:38

the kids. When they were young, we

3:40

put them to bed. Then we

3:42

had our time and we taught the kids

3:44

to respect our time and so

3:47

they saw us and by the way, both of our

3:49

children now have kids and

3:52

they, they raised their children exactly the way

3:54

we raised theirs and they

3:56

had a good marriage. Like Jill and Corbin

3:58

married over 25 years. they've been married 25

4:00

years. They have a great

4:02

marriage, they have a date night every week, they work on

4:04

their relationship, and their children

4:07

are so secure. The

4:10

marriage creates the foundation

4:13

for them to be parents. But if you don't have a strong marriage,

4:17

or if you give up your marriage, and

4:19

see some people say, oh my gosh, we've got kids,

4:21

we're just worn out all the time, and we don't have time

4:23

to have sex, we don't have time to be together,

4:25

whatever. So that's a problem. What that means

4:28

is your children are in control. And

4:30

you have to be in control, and make sure that

4:33

the kids are respecting your marriage, and they

4:35

don't have 24-7 access, because

4:37

they'll wear you out. You won't have enough time to be married,

4:40

if you give yourself completely to your children. So when

4:42

we put our kids to bed when they're little, we said, you stay

4:44

in bed. This is our time now.

4:46

And we taught them to respect that.

4:48

Well, I think even as a wife to

4:51

her husband, it's important for

4:53

the wife to, because

4:56

I know your needs have honor

4:58

and respect. And as long

5:00

as the wife is respecting her husband

5:03

and honoring him, and then expecting

5:05

the same thing, and then the husband is

5:07

expecting the kids to respect the mother,

5:12

it lays a foundation

5:14

of respect and honor at the beginning.

5:17

And because

5:19

it is, it's so easy to get caught up in our everyday

5:22

life stuff, and you get too busy, and

5:24

then the kids are needing

5:26

things, and then you're exhausted,

5:28

you're stressed out, and you lay

5:32

your guard down, and the next thing you know, the

5:34

kids have all this

5:36

chaos and stress, and you're like, oh my gosh. And

5:39

so I think it's just so important to support each other,

5:42

and to be, like we said, united

5:44

front.

5:45

Well, kids are naturally divisive.

5:48

They know which parent is easier on any particular

5:51

subject. And so one of the things

5:53

that we did right, related

5:55

to parenting, is the kids

5:57

would come to me and say, dad, can I go to the

5:59

movies?

6:43

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9:26

I have to talk and the

9:28

kid says, oh yeah, well I've already talked

9:30

to her. She's fine. It made me think the stories

9:32

of our grandkids because it's

9:34

an inherent thing in kids. This is what we're trying

9:37

to say. Every kid's like this and

9:39

so it's like as a parent you need to be aware that

9:41

they're all the same. And so I

9:43

remember the grandkids would come over and

9:46

they want to watch a certain movie and I'd say,

9:48

is that okay with your parents?

9:50

Because I wouldn't watch it. Yeah,

9:53

yeah, that's great. They always tell me it's great. I said, okay, I'm

9:56

gonna pick up the phone right now and I'm gonna call them. Well,

9:58

it's yeah.

9:58

Yeah. Oh yeah. It's like, it's

10:01

just inherent in them. They're not, kids

10:04

have to be parented, you know? And

10:06

part of parenting is coming

10:09

together as a couple, and even

10:11

if you're single, because there's gonna be people that's single, or

10:13

they're listening to this, and it's

10:15

hard to be a single parent. But

10:18

just, you know, with God, all

10:20

things are possible. And so even as

10:22

a single person, and leaning on God,

10:24

and getting his wisdom, and having the support

10:26

of friends, that, and it's

10:29

true as a couple, you know? It's just those things that we

10:31

have to do, because God

10:33

has stewarded us with these children. They've

10:37

been given as a gift that says, you know,

10:39

children are a gift from God, and as a gift,

10:42

we have to be so careful of how we

10:44

steward, and what we do, and

10:46

how we, you know, because we're

10:48

raising up children for God. And

10:51

so I think it's just so important to, you know, find

10:54

information like the book we wrote, you know? Because

10:57

that's the reason we wrote it, is because

10:59

we can see what's happening to this generation of

11:01

kids. You know, they're being destroyed

11:04

by the media, by social media,

11:06

by, you know,

11:08

just sad. And so, you know,

11:11

that's why we wanna fight for the soul of a child.

11:13

Well, and I think that the technology

11:16

of today, Karen, the complications of

11:18

parents today are even a greater reason

11:21

why we have to be United Front. Now,

11:23

what we would do is, we didn't

11:25

have discussions in front of the kids, and

11:27

we certainly didn't argue in front of the kids.

11:30

And so if there's something that we wanted to talk

11:32

about, we would

11:34

go to the bedroom, we had a little sitting

11:36

area in the bedroom, we'd sit in the bedroom, and we would talk after

11:38

the kids were in bed, or as I got older, you

11:41

know, we just went there and talked. And that's where

11:43

we would talk through parenting

11:45

and decisions related to Julie and Brent.

11:48

And then we would be a United Front. In other words, when

11:50

the kids would, when we were dealing with parenting

11:52

issues, a lot of times we weren't a United Front, because

11:55

we hadn't talked. So we would make sure to

11:57

get together and talk. Well, when we talk, we

11:59

would always. agree to agree, not

12:02

agree to disagree. We agreed to agree.

12:05

Now you and I got in a not

12:07

a fight I would say but just a real tense

12:09

situation. It was probably a fight. No,

12:12

about Julie. Oh yeah that's

12:14

true. It was me and her fighting. Well

12:16

yeah, you all fought every day. And it's

12:20

a couple of things in this regard. One

12:23

is I

12:25

have, Julie has my personality, Brent

12:27

has your personality. So it was easy for

12:30

you and Brent to relate. It was easy

12:32

for me and Julie to relate but it was more of

12:34

a challenge with me and Brent and more challenge with you and Julie.

12:37

Well you and Julie fought a lot and Julie

12:39

was just you know she punched your buttons and

12:41

she tested all the boundaries. And

12:44

I kind of had a sympathy for Julie because

12:46

I felt like you were kind of hard on her. And

12:49

so you and I would talk about it a lot.

12:51

We created a lot of tension so finally we couldn't

12:54

resolve that. So we wanted to get counseling and

12:56

we went to a counselor that was actually one

12:59

of our pastors on the staff of the church I

13:01

pastored. Her

13:03

name was Ann and we went into her

13:05

office and we said and of course Ann

13:07

was a close friend. And I said, Ann

13:09

I'm not here as your boss. You know we're here

13:12

is a couple. We have a parenting

13:14

issue that we need to resolve and whatever you say

13:16

to us is gonna resolve it. And

13:18

so I said so here's how

13:20

I feel and then you shared how you felt

13:22

and Ann immediately said Jimmy you're wrong. And

13:26

I said really? And she said yeah she

13:28

said you're wrong. And she you know

13:30

basically I was sympathizing. The

13:32

sympathy I had for Julie was not healthy.

13:35

You know it was I was looking back into my

13:37

own childhood and wishing somebody would have you

13:39

know advocated for me. And

13:41

and so I did not understand

13:43

it at the time but

13:46

look looking back 30 years she

13:48

was right. I was wrong. And so I just so

13:51

I've repented to you and and

13:53

we went on and I'm saying that to say if you

13:55

can't figure something out get help.

13:58

Getting help is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign

14:00

of wisdom and every couple

14:02

and every family is going to have issues. You can't resolve

14:04

on your own and you have to go outside to get help.

14:07

Uh, the other thing I would say, Karen, is that you

14:10

were fighting a lot with Julie. Brent,

14:12

Brent is six foot four. You

14:15

know, he's a big kid and he

14:17

w he was looking down on you when he was like 12 years

14:20

old and just physically, uh,

14:22

and he, he didn't want

14:24

a woman telling him what to then Julie,

14:28

you were another woman telling her what to do, what to wear,

14:30

whatever. Now, so I was at this meeting

14:32

one day, there was another pastor there and they

14:36

had a daughter and a son, just like we did. And

14:38

we were talking about parenting. I was telling him, you know,

14:41

all the issues that we were having with Julie and Brent,

14:43

and he said, well, let me, let me tell you my perspective

14:46

on something that I think will help you. And I said,

14:48

women are built for younger kids. Men are built for

14:50

older kids. And he said, when,

14:53

uh, girls turn about 12 or 13, they

14:55

see their mother as another woman

14:58

and they don't want her telling her

15:00

how to dress, what to wear, those kinds

15:03

of things, uh, in a boy,

15:05

when he gets 12 or 13, he sees

15:07

his mother as a woman telling him what to do and he doesn't want

15:10

a woman telling him what to do. He said, so I

15:12

told my wife, you know, we both have

15:14

full authority, you know? And when

15:16

you need to tell the kids something that's difficult,

15:19

you tell me and I'll tell them, and I came

15:21

home and I told you that. And I said, Karen, don't, don't go

15:23

into Julie's room anymore. And y'all fight.

15:25

I said, just come tell me what you want. So you

15:28

came within an hour. You came

15:30

to me and said, Julie is not leaving

15:33

the house looking like that. And

15:35

so she was wearing holy jeans or something. So

15:38

I walked into her bedroom. Now, if you would have walked

15:40

in the bedroom and had this conversation with Julie,

15:42

it had been an hour stream cry fight.

15:45

Okay. I walked into Julie's bedroom

15:47

and I said, Julie, you're not leaving the house looking like that. And

15:49

she said, dad. And I said, change. That

15:52

was the entire conversation. And

15:54

she changed. Everything was fine. And you,

15:56

you then didn't have the emotional

15:59

trauma. And this the rent

16:01

was the same way and I would walk up to Brent

16:03

and you know, I'm saying I was six foot three at that

16:05

Time I'm shrinking now. I said I walk up to

16:07

Brent looking in the eye and say this and this and this So

16:10

women have complete and total authority. They

16:12

have to to be a parent, but

16:14

sometimes it's wisdom to To

16:18

defer, you know to the

16:20

husband or maybe a wife when the kids were younger

16:22

husband the kids are older And

16:24

that helped us a lot in our parenting

16:26

well, I and I want to say this

16:28

because yes Julie was difficult

16:30

she was a strong-world child and But

16:32

you know, she she was never rebellious. She

16:34

was just very strong-world but today

16:38

and this is why I want to say what I'm saying is

16:40

how God redeems everything and so

16:43

today Julie and I are Extremely

16:46

close we talk every single day

16:48

and you know God

16:50

is healed all of that And so if

16:52

I'm saying this to say if you have a difficult child

16:55

and it wears on you don't give up on home I

16:58

mean God can do anything

16:59

Yeah, we we parented

17:01

the kids and when they left

17:03

home and we did our very best and

17:05

prayed for them and Raised him

17:07

in a good Christian home, but when they left home, there was

17:09

a question mark over both of them But you know

17:11

the Bible says he trained up a child the way they

17:13

should go when they get older when they mature

17:16

They'll come back to it. That's what happened when

17:19

the kids left home You

17:21

know the longer that they were in college out on

17:23

their own the smarter we got and finally,

17:25

you know They were they were home. They were mature

17:28

Christians They married

17:30

mature Christians and and

17:32

they lived today according to the way we raised the race

17:34

They raised their children the way we raised them And

17:37

so don't get discouraged because it is a battle

17:39

raising your children But when you do the right thing it

17:41

pays off but what we're saying on this show today is Be

17:45

a united front be sure and

17:47

talk and agree on your parenting If

17:49

you can't agree go get help and

17:52

make sure that your children don't divide you

17:54

or see you divided They need

17:56

to see their parents as United Front. We

17:58

hope this been helpful to you today. We'll see See you next time here

18:01

on the marriage day podcast.

18:02

Goodbye. Hey,

18:08

this is Brent Evans with ExoMarriage and

18:10

I want to thank you for listening to the marriage today

18:13

podcast. We believe your marriage

18:15

has a 100% chance of success

18:18

if you do it God's way. If you enjoy today's

18:20

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