0:06

Here's a question for you Is marriage ?

0:08

overrated . Why aren't people getting

0:10

married anymore ? A new Pew Research

0:12

poll found that two in five young adults think

0:14

marriage is an outdated tradition

0:17

. Marriage rates are at their lowest right

0:19

now . Is marriage really even

0:21

worth it ? More than half of

0:23

marriage is end in divorce .

0:25

If you get married you have to be stuck with this person for

0:27

the rest of your life , right ? That's why you get married . That's

0:29

why it's declining . Why would you get

0:31

married if you don't ? If you want to have just

0:34

one partner when you can have multiple Marriage

0:36

is stupid .

0:38

Welcome to the Married AF Podcast . To help acclaim

0:40

greatest relationship and marriage

0:42

podcast in the world , we

0:45

are your hosts , matthew and Monica Powers . When

0:47

this releases , it will be your favorite day

0:49

of the year .

0:50

Yes .

0:51

Happy Halloween .

0:54

We scare because we care .

0:56

We scare because we care . Boy oh boy , are we scaring

0:58

because it's

1:01

clowns . I

1:03

don't like clowns , I

1:05

don't do clowns . But you love me , but

1:07

I love you . I love you . Should

1:09

we share what I'm doing , for how much I love you ? Because

1:12

, by then .

1:14

Oh my gosh , I forgot about that .

1:16

It'll be done so because

1:18

I love my wife so much . This

1:22

beard will be gone

1:24

.

1:24

Like clean .

1:26

This beard is done Clean

1:29

shaven .

1:30

Not because I don't like your beard .

1:31

No , I've had this beard for 15

1:34

, 16 years now . It's

1:36

varied in length , shape , size

1:38

.

1:39

There's always been something there .

1:40

But there's always been a beard there . However

1:43

, when this airs will be the day that it

1:45

goes bye-bye , because

1:48

I love you so much and you asked

1:50

me to do this , I'll be shaving everything

1:52

except the mud stash , because I will

1:54

be going on Halloween as Ted

1:57

Lasso , ted Lasso

1:59

himself and you are going to be Rebecca

2:02

the boss . The boss , I'm

2:04

going to have biscuits with the boss , but I'm

2:06

willing to shave it all , just the mustache

2:09

, because the good news is it'll all be back in like a week

2:11

, so it won't be too bad . Our son , cashman

2:13

, was devastated . He's like

2:15

no , no , no , no .

2:17

It's going to be interesting because they've never seen you without

2:19

facial hair ever , never .

2:21

Now listen , my dad always had a mustache when I was

2:23

growing up and he's got more like a goatee

2:26

and all that now Always had a mustache

2:28

. But I remember when I was young I may have been five

2:30

or six years old he just shaved it off

2:32

one day and he was clean shaving and

2:34

I was like who is this stranger in

2:36

the driveway ? I cried . I

2:38

was so upset because I did not know who this man was

2:40

, because I've never seen him without one .

2:43

Well , maybe we should make the kids watch you shave it off so they

2:45

don't go .

2:45

oh , that way they know . And we'll do it in stages

2:48

. Well , we'll not just clean shave to clean shave , we'll

2:50

do it in stages where it won't be that bad .

2:52

It's not going to be drastic .

2:54

But if that's not love , I don't know what is . Because when she told

2:56

me , I was like , really

2:58

, I shaved , shave , like I don't

3:00

have a neck . You know what that's going to look like ? It's

3:03

going to be bad , it's going to be ugly , it's not going

3:05

to be pretty , but I will rock a mustache

3:08

for a day for you .

3:10

Thank you , you're welcome . I pulled the wife card

3:12

. I didn't expect to get a no .

3:14

So listen it's . It's near impossible for me to say no

3:16

to you anyways .

3:17

Well , I had a backup , and it

3:19

was this podcast .

3:22

You did .

3:23

And I do this podcast because

3:25

you want this podcast .

3:27

No , here's the thing . This podcast ain't about you or

3:29

me .

3:30

I know , but I still don't want to do

3:32

it .

3:32

I know , listen , we don't always want to do what the Lord

3:35

has given us , but it works out

3:37

for the best when we do . I'm just saying

3:39

, just saying .

3:41

I'm still here .

3:42

Yes , you are still rocking it and we want to

3:44

thank everyone who listens

3:47

Again , downloads , reviews , comments

3:49

, sends messages . It's overwhelming

3:51

every single week when we see it . The mafia

3:54

, the married AF internet audience , is

3:56

what someone coined it at as early

3:58

. So it's really cool that we

4:00

really , really appreciate it . So definitely

4:02

continue to do that . Let us know

4:04

what you think , what you feel , send

4:07

us information , send us questions , because today

4:09

is going to be a fun one .

4:11

I'm kind of nervous .

4:13

You're going in at this completely blind . You

4:15

don't know what I've got for you today , but

4:17

it's more of a Q&A . I've

4:20

got questions , I've got thoughts , I've

4:22

got situations . We're

4:24

going to discuss them and talk about them . Some

4:26

are fun , some are serious , some

4:29

are going to make you want to beat your head against the wall

4:31

, but that's

4:33

what we got today .

4:35

Interesting .

4:35

But I think it's going to be fun .

4:36

What you got .

4:37

All right . First one , very first one

4:39

, is from a wife and

4:41

she says husband is now trying

4:44

, after I've decided to leave

4:46

him , should I go back to him ? So here's

4:48

the backstory . So I've been with my husband

4:50

for 15 years . He has always

4:52

had an angry streak that got worse

4:54

and worse over the years . So now I'm good . To begin with , I

4:58

grew up with a narcissist mother , so

5:01

I thought it was my job to

5:03

be his punching bag . Over the years

5:05

I kept giving and giving , walking

5:08

on eggshells to keep him happy . Further

5:10

, he was so very controlling . I

5:13

had a hard time keeping jobs and friends because he

5:15

would get so mad over the very little things I

5:17

was constantly getting screamed at . He

5:20

would say that once he had X , y and

5:22

Z he would stop being so angry

5:24

. Well , fast forward . He got everything you wanted at

5:27

the expense of my life , and I must say I was not happy

5:29

to give him . I was happy to give him the world , but

5:32

my love was not being reciprocated . I kept expressing

5:34

to him for years that if he

5:36

does not stop this behavior , he will have no one to scream

5:38

at because I will leave . What complicates

5:41

things is we have a two year old . Of

5:43

course , he did not stop

5:46

. Took much , took so

5:48

much more for me to decide to leave , but I had

5:50

to start living for myself . However , now

5:52

that I'm gone , he starts making changes I've

5:55

seen this before in him and it lasts only for a little while

5:57

. Then he goes back to being a

5:59

you know what . However

6:02

, I feel like if I do not go back , if I do

6:04

not go back , I'm the one to break

6:06

up my family and ruin my daughter's life . Do

6:08

I go back to him ?

6:12

Thoughts I

6:15

don't know where I want to start with all of that

6:17

.

6:17

Start at the beginning . Married

6:21

for 15 years , always an anger streak , worse and worse

6:24

over the years , grew up with a narcissist mother . She

6:26

feels like she is

6:28

supposed to be the punching bag . Now

6:31

I will say that goes back narcissist

6:33

mother , this and that that's probably how she

6:35

grew up . So her parents obviously had

6:37

a marriage that wasn't great and this is

6:40

what it was . So she grew up thinking my

6:42

sole job is to be a punching bag for my husband

6:44

.

6:45

But if her mother was a narcissist , the dad

6:47

had to be the punching bag right .

6:49

Perhaps or it could have gone both ways , Like probably

6:52

took it out on her .

6:52

To get out on her instead .

6:54

We don't know that for sure .

6:57

So if that was the case and she is the way

6:59

she is right now why would it matter

7:01

if she stayed with him because

7:03

of a two-year-old ? Why would that ruin

7:05

that two-year-old's life ? She will

7:07

grow up to know my mom

7:10

did the right thing .

7:11

Unfortunately , that is true . You always

7:13

had to see a marriage break

7:16

up .

7:17

but but but

7:19

Hold on , I'm not done .

7:21

Okay .

7:23

But she

7:25

didn't just jump into the marriage . She

7:29

had to date this guy yes

7:31

, most people do before they get married

7:33

. I understand that most girls now

7:35

just get married because

7:38

they want to be married . Doesn't

7:40

matter who they're married to . Their friends

7:42

are all married . Their friends had a big wedding

7:44

. I want my day too .

7:49

Yep .

7:50

Rent a husband . Rent

7:52

a husband , have your day . Hey , if

7:55

that's all you want .

7:59

Well , that's kind of a problem that

8:01

we see Everyone's so focused on the wedding

8:03

and their day . They're not worried about the

8:05

actual marriage . That

8:07

day doesn't mean a dang thing

8:10

. No , that day , look at us we

8:12

eloped in the backyard for 70 bucks

8:14

, had no big wedding

8:16

, and we've stood the test of time .

8:18

And we paid in quarters .

8:19

We paid in quarters . So here's where

8:21

I go with this . The

8:23

whole he's trying in

8:25

quotation marks after I decided

8:27

to leave him . So for me , this is one of those

8:30

situations where , oh

8:32

, now that an actual change is made , now

8:34

that something drastic has happened , now that there's

8:36

been this big change

8:39

in life , now he wants to

8:41

decide . It's like , oh , I pushed too far and

8:43

I pushed her away , right ?

8:46

Well , I'm sorry . I'm not

8:48

the kind of person that's going to get screamed at all the

8:50

time .

8:51

No , you are not .

8:53

I have a backbone , maybe

8:57

all those times that I was

8:59

made fun of as a kid and constantly

9:02

got bullied . Now I feel like bullying

9:04

is a totally different

9:06

term now , because every sad story

9:08

is I was bullied as a kid . Yeah

9:11

, that's another conversation for another day , but because

9:14

of how mean

9:16

the kids were to me . That

9:19

gave me a backbone .

9:20

It did . Listen , you go

9:22

through difficult things to

9:24

get through more difficult things .

9:26

Yes .

9:27

That's the reason why , a lot of times , we'll go through something difficult

9:29

. We'll think , oh well , it was me and

9:31

we'll throw ourselves a pity party and we'll want this empathy and

9:33

we'll want all the stuff . Chances

9:35

are . The reason you are going through that is

9:39

because you're going to be able to learn

9:41

how to get through that , because there's going to be something

9:43

else that comes along and you're going to be able to

9:45

go . Well , you know , I got through that . God

9:47

got me through that , so I know I'll

9:50

be able to get through this also .

9:51

Yes .

9:52

It's a lot of what it is .

9:53

But if

9:56

you are willing to continue

9:58

for 15 years to

10:00

be someone's punching bag and

10:03

you're now seeing that he's changed

10:06

, but

10:08

yet didn't she say it goes back and forth

10:10

.

10:11

She's seen this before . It only lasts a little while and then it

10:13

goes back to being who he was . So

10:15

, to answer the question , should

10:17

she go back to him ?

10:22

And the most monica way of saying anything

10:24

.

10:25

Okay , hell , no

10:27

. I have to tend to

10:29

agree . If this is the behavior

10:31

, now again don't want to see a marriage end . No

10:34

, never , ever want to see a marriage end

10:36

. However , if you are

10:38

a punching bag and if it is one sided and

10:41

the only reason he wants to change is because

10:44

you said enough is enough , I'm done . We

10:46

will never condone someone being in an

10:48

abusive marriage ever Exactly Do we

10:50

want to see it ? Do we want to see it work out

10:52

Absolutely , but you cannot

10:55

allow yourself to stay in an abusive marriage . It's

10:57

not okay .

10:58

Because you see a little bit of a change . He's

11:01

going to think oh well , every time she threatens to

11:03

leave , I can show a little bit of this , and she's going to come crawl

11:05

him right back .

11:06

Exactly .

11:06

So I constantly have somebody to scream at and yell at , because

11:09

, yes , that's what your two-year-old daughter needs to

11:11

see .

11:12

Now devil's advocate of this . It's

11:15

possible he could really change . Everyone

11:17

can change , Absolutely . Everyone can have a life altering

11:19

transformation . It can easily

11:22

happen . However , it's not going to be the flip

11:24

of a switch . It's not going to happen overnight . This is going

11:26

to be something you're going to have to deal with for years

11:29

, Years To really realize that this is

11:31

the case Exactly . You cannot stay in an abusive relationship

11:33

. You simply can't .

11:34

No , she needs to get out and stay

11:36

out . If he does change , be

11:38

happy that your daughter

11:41

now has a father

11:43

who was trying Be happy

11:45

for him . Move on with your

11:47

life .

11:47

Yes and listen . If it comes back to work , great

11:50

, that's awesome , but do not stay

11:52

in an abusive relationship . All right , this

11:54

next one . I strongly relate to this

11:57

, and I think you will too , and

11:59

just want to hear what your take on it . I

12:02

am adventurous . My husband

12:04

is not . How do I get

12:06

him to be more adventurous ? I

12:09

like to try new things , be daring

12:11

and get that adrenaline rush . I want

12:13

to skydive , I want to go bungee jumping , I

12:15

love big roller coasters , etc . My

12:17

husband hates all of it and is scared

12:20

. How can I get him to try

12:22

new things ? Go , because

12:24

this is us . I did not write

12:26

this question , by the way .

12:27

I was about to ask you that .

12:30

This is not for me , however . This

12:32

screams us . So , wow

12:35

, I have been able to adjust and

12:37

I've been able to try scary

12:39

adrenaline rush type things . How

12:42

did you trick me into doing it ? Because I hate

12:44

everything that should ever be

12:46

known about this . Words

12:51

of wisdom , miss

12:53

Monica Powers .

12:56

I really don't know how I talk you into those things

12:58

.

12:59

Maybe you just wore me down over the years .

13:03

I think the last thing I seriously

13:05

talked you into doing that

13:08

you had zero

13:10

intentions to ever do

13:13

or even think about doing Shave off

13:15

on beard and have just a mustache for a Halloween costume

13:17

, that's one . Okay , that was just

13:19

a couple of a few . Anyways , I'm

13:22

talking about a real deal situation and you still haven't

13:24

shaved , so we'll talk about that then .

13:26

Okay .

13:27

Riding Velocicoster .

13:29

You nailed it . I didn't want to have anything to do with Velocicoster

13:31

.

13:31

You were like absolutely not .

13:34

All I heard was oh , yeah , it has nothing

13:36

that goes really over the top of you to keep you in . It's

13:38

just kind of like a little belt or something . Oh , and this thing

13:40

goes from zero to 70 miles an hour in

13:43

the snap of a finger . Oh , and you go upside down a lot and

13:45

actually you spend more time

13:47

out of your chair than you actually do in the chair

13:49

. No , thank you . Yes , you

13:51

do . That sounds miserable . That sounds awful .

13:53

Fantastic .

13:55

And I . You had the time of your life .

13:56

You love this roller coaster , so much I do love this roller

13:58

coaster .

13:59

I didn't want to do this . I've never wanted to do that . I like roller

14:01

coasters , but I don't like heights . Heights

14:05

are scary , they fright me . This

14:07

sucker gets up pretty high and pretty fast and you

14:09

not be in your seat . You feel like you're going to fall out all the

14:11

time . That's how it's designed . No

14:13

, thank you . However , when

14:16

it was just you and I and we went , you would not . You wouldn't

14:18

let it go . You wouldn't let it go .

14:21

I don't think I gave you an option

14:24

to say no .

14:24

No , you're like , let's ride it . We got to ride it . You got to ride it . Hey

14:26

, it's just us . You got to ride it . I

14:30

was like no , no , I don't want to do this . I don't know , I don't

14:32

have no interest .

14:33

Mr Powers , it was either you

14:35

ride with me or I'm going

14:38

to stand in line and ride by myself

14:40

.

14:42

Well you stood in line with me

14:44

, I did and I rode the ride and I

14:46

got to say it's fantastic

14:48

.

14:49

And you've done it every single time that we've

14:51

been back .

14:52

I've done it multiple times . We'll be back in a few

14:54

weeks . I will do it yet again , probably

14:56

more than once , multiple times . So much fun . Our son , he

14:58

also loves it too . Now I'll say , you know

15:00

, I've progressively gotten better . The first time I rode it

15:02

my eyes were open maybe 10% of

15:04

the time .

15:05

Last , time I rode it and dad , that's

15:07

high ball and it was

15:09

.

15:09

I mean , I got a little , I got a lot . It definitely was

15:11

, but it's amazing . So

15:14

to answer this question and for your husband

15:16

, just talk him into it . He's going to end up loving

15:18

it . Now skydiving . You'll never catch me doing

15:20

that . Why would you jump out of a perfectly good airplane .

15:22

Well , I will say this Right , I

15:25

have been wanting to go skydiving for a very long

15:27

time and you were like baby , I've

15:29

got to put my foot down somewhere . Absolutely

15:32

not . I'm not okay with you doing that . Why

15:34

would you jump from a perfectly good plane ?

15:36

Yeah , I can't , that's that's going to be my

15:39

, my one . But roller coaster is other fun

15:41

, exciting stuff , bro . It's worth

15:43

it , like seriously it's worth it .

15:45

It's so much fun it's doing

15:47

anything on the stratosphere .

15:49

No , that's because that's stupid too and that's what it's

15:52

years ago . We're not going back , but

15:54

but this is something that , like you , can

15:56

do together and that's gonna be an experience and

15:58

a memory that you can laugh about , you

16:00

can , you can talk about just a cool

16:03

experience that you should .

16:04

I think it's something that you Need to start , something small

16:06

, with just a trip yes

16:08

, a weekend to get away .

16:10

With one little semi daring adventurous

16:12

type thing and work yourself up . We've

16:15

been at this for 20-something years

16:17

.

16:17

We've been at it for a long time , so and most

16:19

of the time you've sat on the sidelines

16:21

and watched me do every .

16:23

Crazy thing that could possibly be done . Yep

16:25

, pretty much , so

16:28

it's worth it , yes . Next one we

16:30

just can't seem to find time for each other . We're

16:32

struggling to find a balance between our professional lives

16:34

and the time we spend together as a couple . How

16:37

can we ensure we're spending quality time

16:39

with each other without compromising our

16:41

career goals ?

16:44

Well , I feel like you have wrote this one

16:46

too , mr Powers . No

16:49

, no , no because

16:51

this is well . It's not like we're fine , we're not Okay

16:54

. I mean , obviously we find time for each other , of course

16:56

, seriously recording a podcast right now , but

16:59

this summer

17:01

, when I accepted a position

17:03

as volleyball

17:06

coach , that was a drastic

17:08

. Yeah , and it has been

17:11

and then it just got more

17:13

and more , and Now

17:16

I'm in a permanent position as

17:18

a substitute teacher . Yep

17:20

on top of the coaching . Yes

17:22

, volleyball is now over , but

17:25

Softball has

17:27

begun it has . So I'm also now coaching

17:30

softball for the high school . So

17:32

we are Are still

17:34

trying to figure out the ins and outs , because

17:36

we're this is not something we're used to

17:38

.

17:38

So how do you figure out the ins and outs then ? How

17:41

have we done it ?

17:45

When we talk about a relationship

17:48

not being 100%

17:51

yes . That's

17:54

where it comes in . Okay , because

17:56

All week this

17:59

week is a great example of that . On

18:02

Wednesday we went to super regionals with volleyball

18:05

. We had serious

18:07

practices after school on Monday and Tuesday

18:09

my birthday was Tuesday

18:12

. Tuesday , yeah , my birthday was

18:14

Tuesday . We didn't get to

18:16

really celebrate , and we celebrate birthdays

18:18

around here . Yeah , but this one was a big one

18:20

, so we didn't necessarily get to do any of that

18:22

. No because we went

18:24

out An hour and

18:26

so away for super regionals and we were

18:28

gone all day . I don't think . I think

18:30

we left that morning . You

18:34

left early and then we didn't get home until

18:36

10 o'clock .

18:36

Mm-hmm long day .

18:38

It was a long day , but

18:40

we're still trying to figure that out . We

18:44

always working through it , but but

18:46

it's that that's when

18:48

the Okay . I'm

18:50

not I can't be a hundred percent right

18:52

now , because I do need

18:55

to focus on this very important thing for these , the

18:58

school and these girls , Because

19:01

this isn't something that they've necessarily had

19:04

before . They haven't had coaches that push them , and

19:06

that care believe in them and want

19:08

them to win right . So

19:11

it was a oh my gosh . It was eye-opening

19:13

for me to know that no other coach

19:15

before us has checked

19:17

grades , had punishment

19:20

for accountability thing right

19:22

it was . It was very

19:24

mind-blowing . But

19:26

when I also

19:29

share all of this information with you , you're like baby

19:31

you have to be there .

19:32

Yeah , it's important because it's not always

19:35

about us .

19:35

But when I go to the school and I'm

19:38

there 7.30

19:40

to 7.30 , some

19:42

even later , I'm pushing

19:44

12 hour days and this week was one

19:47

of those crazy weeks and

19:49

you works from home on Friday and

19:52

I was

19:54

gone because

19:57

of our time situation , where we don't necessarily

20:01

I don't get to do all the things that I'm adjusted

20:04

to doing .

20:04

Right .

20:06

As in cleaning and vacuuming , a lot

20:10

of shopping . I haven't gotten

20:12

many of those opportunities

20:14

, but when I come home from school on

20:16

Friday , you work from home .

20:18

Mm-hmm .

20:19

I walk in and this house

20:22

is absolutely spotless

20:25

.

20:25

Just trying to pick up .

20:27

You didn't have to do that , yeah , but

20:29

guess what ? I could have spent all

20:32

Friday night and all day Saturday morning doing

20:34

those things , but

20:37

you did that for me so

20:39

we could spend time together Friday night .

20:41

That's how marriage works .

20:42

Exactly .

20:43

That's what it's all about .

20:44

So I was lacking in those and you had

20:46

an opportunity to pick that up and

20:49

you were there .

20:50

Yeah , and it's a given taken , an ebb and flow

20:52

, that's going to happen . As far as these two are concerned

20:54

, how do we not compromise on career

20:56

goals ? Not saying you should ever compromise

20:58

your career goals , but your relationships far more important

21:00

than your career . Primary , your career is extremely

21:03

important . But I can tell you this no one

21:05

has ever died , been

21:07

on their death bed and said , man , I

21:10

wish it would have worked a little bit harder , I

21:12

wish I would have stayed at the office a few more nights , I

21:16

wish I would have gone on a few more work

21:18

shifts . No , they say , I wish I would have had more time

21:20

for my spouse , for my kids , for my family

21:23

. I wish I would have spent more

21:25

time with my family . So

21:27

for you , you just have to be intentional . Again , it comes

21:30

down to priorities . Your spouse

21:32

is at the very top of the list

21:34

outside of God , god

21:36

, spouse , kids , church

21:39

work , everything else , and it seems like they're still trying to figure

21:41

out their careers .

21:42

Maybe they don't have kids ?

21:43

No , so you should be very intentional about

21:46

spending time with each other . This next one

21:48

you're gonna hate oh gosh . So much

21:50

so buckle up . Do

21:55

I'll let you take a drink before I really get into this , because

21:57

you might spit the water out ? Do I

21:59

let my wife date ?

22:01

Ha ha ha ha , ha , ha ha

22:04

. This is the real question .

22:06

To save our marriage

22:08

. What my wife and I are considering

22:10

an open relationship to keep things exciting

22:13

. We seem to have lost

22:15

the spark and she seems uninterested

22:18

in me . This is something she brought

22:20

up and I am and am I

22:22

crazy for considering this ? You're

22:24

an idiot . Do you have any tips

22:26

on how to navigate this transition without

22:29

damaging our commitment to each

22:31

other ?

22:33

Damaging your commitment to each

22:35

other . You're considering an

22:37

open relationship . How

22:39

is that considered commitment at

22:42

?

22:42

all I knew you would have this reaction

22:44

to this .

22:45

Oh my gosh , this has got my blood boiling

22:47

. My face is about to turn red .

22:50

This is the stupidest idea you could possibly have

22:52

.

22:53

She don't want you , no more bro .

22:55

No , if she brought it up to you , she is

22:57

clearly already pursuing this .

23:00

She's got a co-worker , that she's been . Hey

23:03

, maybe I should tell my husband and

23:05

then we won't have to worry about anything .

23:08

It's a high likelihood they're already having

23:10

sex with each other .

23:11

She's just needing it to be okay with her husband , so she's not

23:13

gonna get in trouble when she gets caught .

23:15

So should I let my wife date

23:17

to save our marriage ? Absolutely

23:19

not . The commitment is there

23:21

is no commitment . You cannot , you

23:24

can't sleep with other people and be married and there

23:26

not be an

23:28

emotional attachment to that which the marriage is

23:30

just gonna go . It's gone , it's

23:32

done . This is the dumbest idea anyone could

23:34

possibly have to try and save the marriage . No

23:36

, no , it's furthering .

23:38

Your marriage has been over . She's just trying

23:40

to keep you because you must make a lot

23:42

more money than she does .

23:45

It is furthering , further ruining

23:47

the marriage if you just allow this to continue

23:49

. You have to step up and say absolutely not

23:52

, I'm not okay with this . This is not

23:54

gonna be all right for our marriage . You have to make

23:56

a choice . It's either gonna be that or me

23:58

, one or the other . You cannot . You can't

24:00

have your cake and eat it too .

24:01

Mm-hmm . But here's the big

24:04

problem that this

24:06

relationship obviously does not have

24:08

. You

24:10

know what they don't have ?

24:11

What's that ?

24:12

Jesus .

24:13

Oh , absolutely not . Are you kidding me ? This

24:17

is such a terrible idea .

24:19

Go to church .

24:21

The answer is no . Do not

24:23

let your wife date . This is such a

24:25

terrible idea . Next question

24:27

, because I knew you'd have that reaction . That's an easy answer

24:29

right there , y'all . No , it's an easy

24:31

answer , all right . So here's the next

24:34

one . I only got a couple more . I

24:36

need encouragement after having a baby

24:38

. My husband and I are in our 30s

24:41

together for 10 years , married for three . We've

24:43

had our fair share of issues . He's been emotionally

24:46

and , I'm convinced , also

24:48

physically unfaithful . I

24:51

can be abrasive in my communication

24:53

. He doesn't want to talk about emotions

24:56

. We have a one year old . We are both great parents

24:58

to her , but he and I are disconnected . We barely

25:00

speak to each other because he seems

25:03

to walk on eggshells . When I am totally checked

25:05

out , I just constantly feel unloved

25:07

and like I'm just here to make

25:09

money and provide for an easy life . He

25:12

does make okay money and

25:14

carries our insurance , so I take care , but

25:17

I make about three times more than he does . I also

25:19

started a new birth control , which could be adding

25:21

to my depressed mood over the last

25:23

week , and it could be the fact

25:25

that I feel like I am unloved . I

25:28

could go on for days , but I have to know is this

25:30

connection with little kids normal , and

25:32

did anyone stick it out to find themselves happy on

25:34

the other side after kids where a little older

25:37

? I've heard this phase is hard . I

25:39

just don't know if it's

25:41

supposed to be this hard . So

25:43

some encouragement for someone

25:45

who just had a baby and feels unloved

25:48

and completely disconnected . Now

25:52

I will say this while you're gathering your thoughts

25:54

on that I can understand . When you

25:56

first have a child you feel like there can

25:58

be a disconnection because I don't care how

26:00

many books you read , or this or that , that

26:03

bringing a little human

26:06

into your that you're fully responsible

26:08

for can be a little bit of a challenge

26:10

. But again , you have to be in that

26:12

together . This is something incredible and

26:14

amazing that you get to do together

26:17

.

26:19

How old is the child ?

26:21

A year old , so

26:24

it ain't a newborn anymore , right .

26:27

I can see the first couple months where

26:29

you can't have sex for six

26:31

weeks .

26:32

Yeah .

26:33

Girl . How much weight

26:35

did you gain with this child ?

26:38

And , honestly , she probably feels more of that herself

26:40

, because I guarantee he would probably

26:42

still look at her . Now the key takeaway I

26:44

got here I can be abrasive

26:47

in my communication . He doesn't like talking

26:49

about emotions . Obviously , if he

26:51

comes to you in a vulnerable state

26:53

and you yell at him and you put him

26:55

down or you act like you just are unconcerned

26:58

and do not care , he's never gonna wanna talk

27:00

to you .

27:01

Let's add in the I

27:03

feel like I'm only here because I make all

27:06

the money . Sounds

27:08

like she's a narcissist .

27:10

Oh , a little bit . I'd agree with you there

27:12

. Maybe just a little bit .

27:14

He's there for insurance and daycare

27:17

. Baby , if you make three times more than

27:19

he does , why is your job

27:21

not paying for the insurance ? Because

27:24

if he's got a job that only pays

27:26

for insurance and daycare , why

27:29

the hell is he even working ? That's

27:32

a waste for him to do that . So

27:35

, get out of your own

27:37

head . Stop

27:39

accusing him of cheating because he's

27:42

disconnected . Anybody's gonna be

27:44

disconnected to someone who

27:46

talks down to them .

27:48

Oh , 100% right .

27:49

You talk down to me . You can never come

27:52

back from that .

27:53

No , this guy and you know , oh , he's been emotionally

27:56

and , I'm convinced , physically unfaithful . Listen

27:59

, if you're mean and abrasive and hateful , Physically

28:01

unfaithful and put

28:04

him down and I could easily see

28:06

where the scenario comes into play . Well , I

28:08

make all the money . I do this , I do that , I mean

28:10

, she's very adamant . I make three times more than he

28:12

does . This poor guy . I feel

28:14

a little more now again , I don't know the full story .

28:16

This is her side . But when you mentioned

28:18

that in your side of the story , why

28:20

does money have anything to do

28:22

with what you're feeling

28:25

?

28:26

It shouldn't , it doesn't . My recommendation

28:28

yes , this can be a phase whenever it's like a brand newborn

28:31

. You're way past that . You need to talk about it

28:33

. You need to take his .

28:34

And not talk about feeling . No , you need to

28:36

take , you need to go , talk to somebody who can

28:38

.

28:39

You need to take account his emotions when

28:41

you are talking to him . It's that non-judgment

28:43

communication Crap . If he comes to you and he's upset

28:45

about something , he's feeling something , be there

28:47

for him . You're the wife . Yeah

28:50

Again . So there's

28:52

your encouragement . Love

28:54

your husband . He's number two for you

28:56

, not the kid , not the kid .

28:59

We're marriage counselors , coaches

29:01

certified . Anybody

29:04

needs it . We can do it by Zoom

29:07

.

29:07

We most certainly can .

29:08

It's been done .

29:09

And it works . Honestly , it does work .

29:11

Absolutely . We have seen the change in people

29:14

.

29:14

We have seen true transformation in people and it's

29:16

, it's incredible .

29:17

It's someone who can be the middle

29:20

person to open up

29:22

these doorways to talk about feelings

29:24

.

29:25

Yeah , as everything comes about , it's

29:27

always all about communication , about communication

29:29

.

29:29

Single time .

29:30

You're gonna love this next one Caught

29:33

my husband looking at sexual

29:36

photos . Here's the

29:38

. Here's the story . Today

29:40

I asked my husband to tend to

29:42

our daughter while I took some phone calls . My

29:44

daughter walked into the office during

29:47

the most important phone call . I scooted

29:50

her out to find my husband scrolling some

29:52

girls' sexual photos profile on

29:54

Instagram . He

29:56

was so entranced by this girl's profile he

29:58

had no idea . My daughter walked into the room

30:00

, didn't

30:03

hear me open the noisy office

30:05

door , Didn't hear me say hello . So

30:08

I walked over to him to knock on the wall to

30:10

get his attention . I saw his phone screen and

30:12

it sucked . Earlier

30:14

this year he put my daughter down for a

30:16

nap and I took a look at

30:18

her baby camera to see if she was sleeping . I saw

30:21

him scrolling nude photos of a woman

30:23

on a website I am still not

30:25

familiar with . We both watch porn

30:27

ding , ding , ding . There's your problem and

30:30

I'm not too bothered by it . I am

30:32

really bothered by him looking at specific

30:34

profiles of women , though I confronted him about it

30:36

and he basically called me crazy

30:38

and said that it was different , wasn't different

30:40

from watching porn . I feel like he cheated

30:43

on me . The fight blew up about how I'm

30:45

turning into a nag . The last five years have been

30:47

really rough . I've nagged and

30:49

I've also been extremely

30:52

unhappy with him . I'm about 35

30:54

weeks pregnant now , feeling out of my element

30:57

. I hate being pregnant because I don't feel

30:59

beautiful , so this adds to it . I

31:01

have tried to reason with that reason

31:03

that it's the hormones , but I'm

31:05

not sure . Am I overreacting

31:07

?

31:08

You're an idiot .

31:10

Number one problem . You're okay watching

31:13

porn together .

31:15

And you're 35 weeks pregnant

31:17

, unless you are some crazy

31:19

just over

31:22

the top physical fitness

31:24

person , and all you

31:26

have is a tiny little baby under

31:28

your little belly , right , not

31:32

every guy is attracted to a pregger

31:35

. Okay , I

31:39

don't get it . There's a

31:41

person in your belly and it's moving

31:43

around and kicking . It's kinda gross

31:45

.

31:46

Yeah , you're doing . You're actually doing one of the most incredible

31:48

things that anyone could ever , that any woman could

31:50

ever possibly do . It's amazing

31:52

. You grow a human inside of you .

31:54

Yes , it's a wonderful thing .

31:56

It's a beautiful thing .

31:58

Crazy to look at , just

32:01

like that's happening . But

32:06

if you're okay , watching

32:09

porn together .

32:11

That's that that ? When I read this , I was like

32:13

, well , that's , that's number one . You have given

32:15

him the green light that , hey , it's okay to look at

32:17

any naked woman that you want to , whenever you want

32:19

to .

32:20

You've already given that power

32:22

over to him to say hey because we do this

32:24

together , it's perfectly fine , but because

32:27

he does it without her , he

32:29

is cheating on her .

32:32

Yeah , it's um that's .

32:33

I'm going to . This is the most mon . This is

32:35

another most Monica answer .

32:37

Watch it now .

32:43

If you think because

32:46

your husband is looking at another

32:49

naked woman he is cheating

32:51

on you , you

32:53

should be thankful . That's all he is doing

32:55

.

32:56

That's true , and could he be doing ? I don't know

32:58

, it's possible . And then I'm on problem here

33:00

You're watching porn and you're okay with that . Porn

33:02

is an absolute poison that

33:05

is destroying humanity

33:07

. Yes , it's destroying humanity .

33:10

It doesn't make any sense .

33:12

Last one . You're going to love this one . This one's

33:14

good . I figured let's end it out on a high note

33:16

.

33:16

Please . These other ones are fairly irritated

33:18

.

33:18

This wife is what most men

33:21

and women should act in this way . She

33:23

says hubby had a long day . He'll

33:25

be home in about 15 minutes . Is

33:28

this too much ? I love this . There

33:30

are fresh baked cookies , rum

33:32

and coke and a eucalyptus epsom

33:34

salt in the bath All of his favorite things , plus

33:37

a sorry , you had a crappy day card . He's

33:40

been distant lately and wanted to show him

33:42

how much he means today . There's

33:44

a picture of it , everything there . I

33:46

say this is amazing . I love her . This

33:49

is a huge , huge win . She knows

33:51

this guy might have been going through it at work . He's had a rough time

33:53

. It's just man , he's busy there . Maybe

33:55

who knows what the situation is . I

33:58

know you had a crappy day . Hey , when

34:00

you come home , take a little time to decompress . Here's

34:02

you some cookies . Here's your rum and

34:04

coke . Here's your a bad . Just relax

34:07

, take it easy . Just want to let you know I

34:09

love you and I'm thinking about you , that this

34:12

is what marriage is .

34:13

Exactly Because we've

34:16

done that for each other . Yeah .

34:18

Hey , I know today was rough . We

34:20

all go through bad days . We have bad days for whatever

34:22

reason . It's a huge win .

34:25

I mean , she's amazing . Is

34:27

it too much this is .

34:29

This is incredible .

34:30

Can you help other

34:33

people realize they need

34:35

to at least step it up so

34:37

their spouses can

34:40

see how much you love them ?

34:41

Yeah , I don't even say step up . I

34:43

mean this . This is what marriage should be . This

34:46

is it recognizing that , hey , my spouse

34:48

is going through a difficult day , bad day , bad

34:50

day . Hey , she had a crappy day . I

34:52

don't need you to come home and you know

34:55

, continue that , just come home , relax

34:57

, decompress . Let you know that , hey

34:59

, you may be running at 5% . I got the other

35:01

95% , don't you worry about it . This

35:04

is what marriage is supposed to look like . Yes , and

35:06

I think where we have gotten it wrong is

35:10

we are so selfish that we

35:12

think marriage is about us .

35:13

Yes , and that's why people are okay

35:16

with cheating on their spouses .

35:19

We think marriage is about me . What am I going

35:22

to get ? What's my benefit out of this marriage

35:24

? How is this going to affect me ? How is this

35:26

going to be an affect me when

35:29

marriage is , in fact , it's not about

35:31

you at all . It's about your spouse . It's

35:33

about that person you're marrying . Instead of having that

35:35

mentality , what am I getting out of it ? How's this going

35:38

to be an affect me ? What can I do

35:40

to serve my spouse 100% of the

35:42

time ? What can I do to make my

35:44

spouse better 100% of the time ? What

35:46

can I do to help grow my spouse 100%

35:49

of the time ? That's marriage . Yes .

35:51

And it's not single-sided

35:53

, not the wife always doing

35:55

it for the husband .

35:57

Because I get with this last couple

35:59

. I guarantee , if the roles are reversed when

36:01

this type of stuff happens , he'll do the exact same thing for

36:03

her . He will recognize that He'll

36:06

do something special , give her her favorite things , just to let her know

36:08

, hey , I'm thinking about you , I love you

36:10

. I'm sorry it was a bad day , but I'm here

36:12

for you . You don't have to go at it alone .

36:14

He's not going to forget what

36:16

she did Not at all , but I'd like to

36:18

know what his response was .

36:20

I'd probably just like thank

36:23

you , should just be thank you , and should love

36:25

it .

36:26

Because that's how I felt when I came home and the house was clean

36:28

on Friday .

36:29

Yeah , it's just , it's like oh , we

36:32

just , we don't understand . He loves me . We

36:34

have an opportunity to serve

36:36

someone and improve someone's life

36:39

every single day and we're just . Those opportunities

36:41

are just slipping through our fingers because we're too worried

36:44

about what's in it for me and it's

36:46

no good so that's our Q and A . That's all I got for

36:48

today . It is time for us to get out of here . I

36:50

thought you would enjoy some of those . I'm glad you ended without

36:52

. I had to end on a high note because some of those you just

36:54

want to say , like what are you thinking ? Like

36:56

how , what ? Just what are you thinking ?

37:00

You wasted time typing that out . Should

37:02

I let my spouse date ?

37:03

Should I let my wife date ? Absolutely not . So

37:06

happy Halloween , so

37:09

happy Halloween everybody . Happy Halloween

37:11

, go get lots of candy . We'll

37:13

scare because we care . Yes , next time Not

37:16

as head lasso and Rebecca , but no

37:18

, next time you see me , I'll probably have

37:20

just more of a mustache than anything else

37:22

. It's crazy

37:24

. God , we love you . Oh

37:27

, we're just so thankful for this opportunity and this platform

37:29

. As always , it's amazing the reach

37:31

that you have through this , and we're

37:33

just thankful that we get to be a part of that , be

37:36

a part of your purpose and your plan , and just want

37:38

to help enrich the marriages and relationships

37:41

. Let people get something out of this so

37:43

they can really have a marriage that

37:45

is out of this world , which is our whole

37:48

. Point is to not be out of this world , but be out of this world and rely on

37:50

you , and we're just so thankful for it . We

37:52

love you in Jesus name , amen , amen .

37:55

Amen .