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Have you ever felt really hands-off with someone when they've given you a no, and

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all that goes through your mind as well. I don't get to say no, how come you do?

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And then we end up saying that someone is flaky or they're

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acting a little bit entitled, or we even call them a snowflake.

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And we end up almost feeling bullied by somebody else's boundaries.

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And we start to tell ourselves all these stories that it's just not fair.

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I don't get to do that. Why do they?

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It's just because I'm the boss. If only I had that luxury of being able to say no, or set some boundaries,

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And I was talking at a conference the other week, and I had

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this question from the floor. And the question was Why is it that I can't say no to others, yet I

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have to put up with other people saying no to me all the time.

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How does that work? And I've been thinking about this and I've realized that I can get really upset

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with other people's boundaries, and in the past, I think I've thought that the

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reason I've been upset and angry by it is that they have been unreasonable, that

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other person has done something that is unreasonable and caused me to be angry.

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I thought that I felt upset because that person was wrong, or angry

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because that was my needs and they are treading all over it and just

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being unfair and unreasonable.

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And we all know that when we don't get what we want, we become angry

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and then we can end up getting really insulting, and even if we don't say

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it out loud with things to ourselves They say flaky or there's such a

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snowflake or why can't they cope?

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And we may go into guilt mode then and feel like, well, I've got to just

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leave everything now I've got to rescue everybody else because that person has

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set their boundaries up, and it can make us feel incredibly frustrated.

1:44

This is a You Are Not a Frog quick dip, a tiny taster of the kinds of things we

1:49

talk about on our full podcast episodes.

1:52

I've chosen today's topic to give you a helpful boost in the time it

1:55

takes to have a cup of tea, so you can return to whatever else you're up

1:58

to feeling, energized, and inspired.

2:01

For more tools, tips, and intoo.Hts to help you thrive at work, don't

2:05

forget to subscribe to You Are Not a Frog wherever you get your podcasts.

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Now I was listening to a talk by Brene Brown recently.

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And she said something that stopped me in my tracks.

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And in fact, when I looked at her book, the Atlas of the Heart, which I would

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highly recommend to everybody, in the book she says that when she first heard

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this, it stopped her in her tracks too.

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Because in Atlas of the heart. Brene Brown talks about all the different emotions that we feel.

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And she groups them into different classes of emotion.

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Now when somebody sets boundaries with me, one of the foremost emotions.

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I feel is resentment.

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And Brene Brown talks about resentment.

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She says, it's an old friend she's known resentment and bitterness all her life.

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But recently she found out that resentment, rather than belonging to

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the anger category of emotions, actually belongs to the envy category affirmations.

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Now that brings it into an whole other ballpark.

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Because the emotion of envy is incredibly different from one of anger.

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Anger is when someone has traipsed on our boundaries when

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our needs aren't being met. But envy.

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Is when somebody else has something that we want.

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It doesn't mean that somebody else has done something to us.

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It means that we have an emotion that we want what they want.

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And side note, they described jealousy as the emotion you feel when you're

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in a threesome and someone else has something from someone else that you want

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and you're pushed out because of that. Now envy can make us feel hostile.

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It can make us feel angry and irritated, but it has a very different route.

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And what envy can do is show us what we wish we had.

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So when I'm envious, when someone says no to me, I'm envious

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that I can't say no to them. When someone puts up a boundary and says, I'm sorry.

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I can't do that particular thing you've asked me to do I feel envious

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because I feel that I can't say no to that particular thing as well.

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So then the problem is not all about them. It's actually all about me.

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And Brene Brown puts it so well in the book.

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She says she had thought processes a bit like this.

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I'm not mad 'cause you're resting. I'm mad because I'm so bones hide and I wants arrest.

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But unlike you, I'm going to pretend that I don't need to.

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Or I'm not furious that you're okay with something that's

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really good and imperfect. I'm furious because I wants to be okay with something that's

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really good and in perfect.

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And this line: your lack of work is not making me resentful.

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My lack of rest is making me resentful.

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You see if we take our anger about someone else's boundaries, and we realize that

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anger is coming from resentment, we start to look at ourselves and we can start say

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What is this showing me about what I need?

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What do I wish I was able to do?

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And what happens, it then points to a need that I have.

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And a need that I need to meet. Not other people.

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And it points to something that rather than someone else doing

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for me, I need to do for myself.

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Now there will be many, many situations where people listening to

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this podcast are the boss, and the buck does stop with them, and they

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are going to have to do something. If someone else says no.

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And they feel that they don't have any choice. Side note, we always have a choice, but you have probably decided that

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the consequences of not doing it. And not something that you want to live with, or you feel

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professionally that you can do. But I would just ask you when you do feel resentful that other

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people can set boundaries and not you, what is that underlying need?

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And even if in that situation, you have to go ahead and do that, what

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is there that's the next best thing?

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What else do you, could you do to meet that need that you've got?

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You see, I don't think we're very good at recognizing our needs, particularly,

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not as healthcare professionals. We're so used to expecting other people's needs to come first, to

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meeting other people's needs, that sometimes we've actually forgotten what

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it is that we need in the first place.

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But envy can show us what we wish we had, and recognizing when we're

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feeling envious is a great way of showing us what we really want.

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And if we can't recognize envy, then maybe we can start to recognize resentment

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and resentment that points towards envy.

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' Cause I don't know about you, but all my life, I felt quite

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resentful about quite a few things. About the fact that I was stuck at home.

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A lot of the time with the kids and I can go and travel.

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I was resentful about the fact that I had to bear the brunt of the childcare, when

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actually, instead of asking for what I needed, I played the victim and actually

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didn't do anything about it myself. And I wonder if any of you have had any of these phrases go through your head ever.

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Things like Well, I don't get to say no.

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Or Well, I don't get to take time off work.

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I can't just leave on time. I don't get to shut down my laptop at six o'clock and forget about my

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emails for the rest of the evening. So by recognizing resentfulness as envy rather than anger because we've been

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wrongs against, we can start to turn our questions from What have they done to me?

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To what is it that I'm not asking for?

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The question says from what is that person doing wrong?

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What do they need to do? To what I need to ask for, for myself?

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To what do I need, but I'm afraid to ask for?

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So when you recognize this, here's a couple of questions that might help.

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Firstly ask What is it that I am envious about?

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Is it I am envious that they can set a boundary?

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Is it that I'm envious that they can say no?

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Is it that I'm envious that they could bring that thing up with

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me that they're able to have that conversation whereas I'm not?

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Am I envious that they don't feel the need to rescue everybody?

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That they don't feel the need to take on all this responsibility?

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Once I can pinpoint that, then I can start to see what the underlying need is for me.

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And you can ask yourself, Well, what actually is that need?

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Is it for food, rest connection, those basic wellbeing factors?

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Is it that I want someone to look out for me rather than me

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looking out for everybody else? Is it that I need to lend to negotiate better?

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Maybe it's that I want better working conditions.

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I want a fair workload for myself.

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Once you've recognized what need there is, you could go deeper and

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think to yourself, Actually, what is stopping me from meeting this need?

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And here we can go as deep as you want, but I think we'll end up

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back with our old friend shame. Is it that I can never admit weakness?

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Is it that I can never admit that I'm not coping or I feel ashamed that I'm not

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coping because I think I should always be able to tip it all because doctor is

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always there and never has any needs?

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Is it that I feel ashamed saying no.

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And causing someone else an inconvenience?

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Or that I feel guilty.

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And I'm worried that people will think I'm dumping on them and not

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taking my own share of responsibility?

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Is it that I'm frightened, anxious about what might happen if I don't

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step up and ignore all of my needs?

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So there's old friends or fear of shame and guilt raised the ugly head,

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and are often behind us not being able to ask for what we need, and

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not being able to meet our own needs. Now I know that we're all working in a very complex, very stressed,

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very difficult system, and sometimes we just look at the bare facts and

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think It's actually going to be very, very difficult to meet our needs.

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And if you're in a situation where there's just not enough resources, not

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enough people, not enough time, so you feel that you have no option, I'd like

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you to ask yourself this question. If I could wave a magic wand, this would all be fixed.

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What would be happening? And this is a really helpful coaching question, because what it does,

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it just removes all those barriers that we have, all those things that

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get in the way like, Well, I could never afford that, or I haven't got

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enough time or there's no people. You know, if you had all the money in the world, All the time in the world.

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Enough stuff, what would be happening?

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And you will come out with some very unrealistic things that will never happen.

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But I have noticed that when I've asked myself this question, there was

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some things I said, well, if I wasted magic on this would be happening

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that actually I could make happen now with just a little bit of ingenuity

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and resourcefulness on my part.

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You know, for example, if I could wave a magic wand, I would have a

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magic housekeeper who would be doing all the housework, doing all the

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cooking, meeting all of our needs and cooking amazingly delicious food.

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Now. I can't afford that.

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I don't even know where to start looking. But I could start upping the hours that my cleaner works, and I could

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start ordering more food boxes so there are some really nice food,

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just there, ready for me to eat. So what ways can you get as close as you can, to that magic idea

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where your wand has been waved and you've got everything that you need?

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What could you put in place now that would really help?

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And then finally, I would ask you, how can you express that need

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and ask for that need to be met?

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Many of us worry about looking weak or upsetting people if we even express our

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needs, but there are ways to do this. Just saying, you know, I have this need.

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I am feeding like this, in a non accusational way.

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Not because you've done this, I'm feeling like this, but phrasing it

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as, this is how I'm feeling right now, this is what I think I need, and if you

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want, so you can even say, you know, and I've got these stories in my head.

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It's telling me that I shouldn't do this, that I should always do this.

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And I guarantee that people will start to listen to you, they will

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start to notice and you know, what? They'll come up with some suggestions.

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The other day, somebody dropped out from something they had committed

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to doing, through no fault of their own, through some family illness.

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I automatically assumed it was something that I had to say and I had to cover.

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And I was starting to feel quite resentful about it and a little bit hard done by,

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and I was really going into victim mode.

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Um, luckily I managed to speak to someone about it.

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And they just said, Well, that's ridiculous, we'll get that person to do it.

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And I'll ask somebody else who I thought we could possibly ask, because that was

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unreasonable and it was not a big deal.

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But for some reason, stories of guilt, stories of, Well, I ought

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to, um, the buck stops with me, were going round my head and it stopped

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me from asking for what I need. So just because you can't see a solution to an issue, it doesn't mean you

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can't express what you need, because oftentimes other people can say solution.

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And they may well volunteer to help out in places where you would never

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have expected them to do that. We often assume that someone else can't do something or it's going to put someone

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out, but unless we ask and let's express what we need, we're never going to know.

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So next time somebody sets the boundary or says no to you or sets some limits

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on their time or their attention, instead of thinking it's something that

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they've done wrong to you that they need to change, start looking at it.

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Start recognizing that feeling you get is resentment, which

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points towards an unmet need. Something that you're envious of.

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Start to delve a little bit deeper. Think What is that need that I'm not expressing?

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How can I identify that need? What's stopping me expressing it?

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And what could I do now to try and meet that need, even if it's not in

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the most, a hundred percent ideal way, what is the next best thing?

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Now, please start expressing your needs, setting your own boundaries.

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Because the more you can set your own boundaries.

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And express your needs. The less resentful you'll be when other people do it to you.