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Hi, my name is Sydney Mitchell. Hi,

0:02

I'm Matthew Brickman, Florida Supreme court mediator. Welcome

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to the Mediate This! Podcast where

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we discuss everything mediation and

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conflict resolution.

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In 2004, a movie

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was released called The Butterfly

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Effect. I highly recommend

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this movie. The

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Butterfly Effect can be defined as the

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idea that something small like

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getting coffee can have a much larger

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effect, such as altering your career.

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In the movie The Butterfly Effect, it

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was about a college student who

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would get headaches so painful that

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he frequently blacked out, and while unconscious,

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he was able to travel back in time to

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difficult moments in his childhood, and

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then could alter the past for

0:49

friends or even for

0:51

himself. But when

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you change the past, it can

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drastically alter the present. And

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what does that have to do with mediation

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and what does that have to do with the title of

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this podcast? Wake Up? Well,

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as a mediator who has conducted over 3000

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mediations at the time of this recording,

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I hear a lot of stories every day of regret

1:18

wishing things worked out differently and

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wishing different choices had been made.

1:24

I have heard people say that they wish they

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had never met the partner that they

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are now in mediation with, whether that be

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a spouse or simply the parent of a

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child in a paternity action. I

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have heard people say they wish they had never

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quit a job, then

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a stay at home parent, move

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to a different location, whether that

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sometimes has been a country state or

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even just a neighborhood. I

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wonder if these people have ever

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thought about the butterfly

1:53

effect. I recently

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had a dream. It was extremely

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intense to the point where

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I fell down uncontrollably

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weeping and screaming out, no,

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no, no

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. I

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woke up, rolled over, reached

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out my arm and touched my wife,

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and at that moment I realized it was a dream.

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I was able to wake up, but

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it impacted me. So

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here's the dream. Dreams

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are weird and sometimes they make

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no sense, but also can reveal deep

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emotional scars or fears

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or whatever, and I'm certainly no dream

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interpreter. I'll just put that out there. But

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in this dream, well, okay, hold

2:44

on. Let me back up. I

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have said since about 2004

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that if I had a time machine and could

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go back in time and change anything in

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my life, I wouldn't because

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I love where I am right now,

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and I know that if I change one thing, it

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could change everything, thus

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understanding the butterfly effect. Okay,

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so in this dream though,

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weirdly enough, there was a time machine, and

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strangely enough, I used it for

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whatever reason, I went back to

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2007 when

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I had just met my wife. My

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son was 10 and my daughter was

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12. I was 33

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and my wife was 50. For

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those of you who have read my book called,

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you're Not The Only One, which can be found on iTunes.

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For those of you have that , been

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listening to this podcast, for

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those of you who I've mediated for,

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you know, a lot of my story and what I've

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been through with my kids, my ex-wife,

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DCF welfare checks,

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43 motions for Contempt Enforcement,

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many court appearances, therapy, and

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even some of the difficulties my current wife

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and I have experienced through our relationship

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of 17 years. With

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all that said, I'm back

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in 2007 and in

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the dream, I don't know why I chose

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then, and I don't know if I

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went back to simply observe or

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change something. That's the strange thing

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about dreams . Sometimes we just don't know , but

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in either way, I get there

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and I am me. This isn't

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like Scrooge in a Christmas Carol where

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he gets to simply observe and no one

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can see him. It's me

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and everyone can see me as

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I am me in that time.

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Now, what no one

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can see is the time machine though, so

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I get in the time machine to return to present

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day and it won't work. I

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begin to panic. A

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wave of emotion comes

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on me. I start hitting the

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buttons frantically and nothing

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is happening. All of

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a sudden, memories of

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the 17 years of word

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said, and the feelings from

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those experiences I went through

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and the emotions felt completely

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flooded me. I

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began to think about how I

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now have to relive

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the past 17 years exactly

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as it happened, as not

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to create the butterfly effect.

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The problem though is I have hindsight.

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I have maturity. I've

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learned from the mistakes that I made

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over the past 17 years. I'm

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not the same 33-year-old guy I

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used to be. I'm

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better because of the experiences

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I went through. The

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problem is I cannot apply

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any of the knowledge or

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maturity or wisdom, and

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I still have to say the

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same hurtful things to

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others. I have to

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go through the painful

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times, even though I

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know better, I

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know how to handle those situations of

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the past. I

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I, I can't though. The

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first thought that came to mind was

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my daughter. Oh my

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gosh, we

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have to be estranged for an

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entire year all

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over again. If

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not, she may not

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move out. She may

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not go live with her grandmother. She

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might not go to a different high school. She

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might not get a job at Chick-fil-A, she

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might not meet a guy there who invites

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her to church where she eventually

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meets her husband and marries

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the love of her life. Oh

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my gosh, I

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might not have Jefferson as a son-in-Law. No,

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I don't wanna feel that pain

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again, even though it ends with

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a miracle. Now,

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I think of my son, oh gosh,

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we've said some hateful things to one another. Through

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the years we've navigated that difficult

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parent-child relationship, especially

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when he was a teenager. We

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ended up in therapy when he was 24 years

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old. We didn't even have a parenting plan, a

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court order. We were still having issues

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and went to therapy when he was 24 to

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work out the issues from the

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past to deal with the hurtful

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and the painful things that were said in

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the past. We

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needed to go to therapy to

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work those out. We did.

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I have that information, but I can't

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apply it. He

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is now an amazing young man, has

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an amazing job. He's such

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a hard worker, but

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I have to say those nasty

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words to him, even

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though I know I shouldn't, even

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though I know how much it's

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going to hurt him because

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I heard about it in therapy when he was in 24,

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how those words cut him

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so deep. But I

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have to, because if I don't,

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I'm gonna create the butterfly effect, and

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now I could mess with his present. Not

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only mine. Oh my

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gosh. The

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next thing that comes to mind is I've gotta break

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up with my wife again. We

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have to also say some pretty hateful

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things to each other. She's

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gonna move away for a year. I'm

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gonna contemplate divorce. We're

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gonna sleep in separate bedrooms for over

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a year and basically be roommates with

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little to no emotion except

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for a decent financial arrangement.

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Oh my gosh, I may not

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be a mediator. I

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may not be able to help the 3000 plus families

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that I've had the honor to mediate for. Oh

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my gosh, I may not live in the

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same home that I currently live in. I

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may not have the great relationships that

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I have. I might

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not still go to the same church I've attended since

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the day it opened its doors in 2008.

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Oh my gosh. I have

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to relive the death of my brother.

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I have to relive the death of my grandmother,

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both my grandfathers, oh

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my gosh. I may or may not have

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to relive the death of my dog, Piper, as

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I may not even have gotten her.

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Oh my gosh. I've

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gotta do everything exactly the same,

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but that means that I'm also gonna feel

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all of that all over again to

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know what I know now and

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learn from the lessons of the past.

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I cannot apply any

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of that knowledge or wisdom, and

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I have to repeat everything

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the exact same way

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it happened or else

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everything could be different. I

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, I

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dropped to my knees. I

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began weeping and crying out,

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no, no, no,

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and that was when I woke up throughout

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the next few days, I thought about this dream,

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and not only how if I went

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back, it could change my life, but

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how my choices could change the lives of

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those around me. Let's

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use my daughter, for example. Again, my

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daughter's happily married and this year she'll be married

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four years, let's say. I

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could go back and let's say that I could change

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something that I wanted to change about my

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life that

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could completely change her

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life, and she didn't even get

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a say in the matter. That

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would be extremely selfish of me. Now,

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let's play this out, not in the past,

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but in the present and also in

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the future, and I'm

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going to switch from talking just about me

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and include all of you in this as

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well. The

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things we currently say and the actions

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we currently do can change the

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course of not only our lives,

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but those all around us. Divorce,

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does this two

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people commit to one another until death?

11:54

Do they part? Then

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they say things and do things

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to one another that they may never

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say or do to anyone

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else around them. Those

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words cut and can have significant

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impact on their own emotional

12:11

wellbeing and mental state, and can affect

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even their future relationships

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when there are kids involved. Do not

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think your kids aren't watching and

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learning. What we do as adults

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directly impact our kids. They

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hear us, they watch us.

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They know what's going on, and

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it shapes who they will be, what

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they will do, and even what

12:38

they will say. This

12:41

can get carried down from generation

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to generation, and no wonder 70%

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of the US is on antidepressants

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and anti-anxiety meds. No

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wonder there's thriving

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jobs for therapists, attorneys,

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and yes, even mediators. We

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cannot go back. We cannot change

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what's happened to us as

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time. Machines do not exist. For

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better or for worse. We are

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the product of our past. We

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cannot stay victims of our

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past. We

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need to learn from it. We need

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to make a change, and

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that happens only if we choose to.

13:25

Too many people choose the

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title of victim instead

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of survivor. This

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dream stopped me and

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wrecked me and made me think of what

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if I had said something different or done

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something different in the past? It

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made me appreciate my present, but

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more than that, it made

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me aware of the words that

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I currently say and the

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things that I currently do in

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the present to those that I

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engage with, whether it be a checkout

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girl at the grocery store, my

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kids, my neighbors clients,

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and yes, even my wife. I

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want to live a life that is full of joy

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and peace with those around

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me. Now, I am fully

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aware that this does not mean that every

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day is going to be sunshine and lollipops

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pops , but I have a role

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to play in this life, and

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I wanna be a positive influence to

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those I engage with. So

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maybe it's time we all wake

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up and start paying attention.

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Occasionally, Sydney and I will be releasing q

14:39

and a bonus episodes where we'll answer

14:41

your questions and give you a

14:43

personal shout out .

14:44

If you have a comment or question regarding anything

14:46

that we discuss, email us at [email protected]

14:51

that's [email protected] and stay tuned

14:55

to hear your shout

14:57

out and have your question answered here on the show.

15:01

For more information about my services or

15:03

to schedule your mediation with me, either in

15:05

person or using my iChatMediation

15:07

Virtual Platform built by Cisco

15:09

Communications. Visit me online

15:11

at

15:15

www.iMediateInc.com. Call me at

15:18

561-262-9121, Toll-Free at 877-822-1479 or

15:23

email me at [email protected].