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is an improvised satire from the staff of a fictional

1:59

mega church. We

2:04

are here, Lord, we

2:06

are here, and we're

2:08

great. Hey,

2:17

I'm Hallie Labont, and this is Mega, coming to

2:19

you from Twin Hills Community Church, where every single

2:21

week we're giving our Mega Church a tiny family

2:23

feel. We love to introduce you to

2:25

members of our church staff, people from our community, and I

2:27

always find it to be a treat and a treasure. And

2:30

per usual, I'm joined by my co-host. He's

2:32

the Youth Pastor for our high school

2:34

ministry called Climax. Please welcome

2:37

Gray Hodge. Jesus is the

2:39

reason for the season of

2:42

spring. Hallie, how are you? Spring

2:44

has sprung. I am too blessed to

2:46

be stressed, too anointed to be disappointed,

2:48

and way too grateful to be hateful.

2:50

Well, just like Jesus was the Good

2:52

Shepherd, our guest today is shepherding good

2:55

prescriptions our way. I am

2:57

so excited to welcome to the program Raylan

2:59

Dolenberg. How are you feeling today, Raylan? Hey,

3:01

yes, yes, it's great to be here. How are y'all doing?

3:04

Raylan, it is really fantastic to see you, and

3:06

I want to start out by saying not a

3:08

lot of churches, in fact, I'm not even sure

3:11

if any churches have what we have when it

3:13

comes to the type of service you provide. And

3:15

that is, we have a pharmacy, well, we're a drugstore,

3:17

though we call it here. It's

3:20

right over in the second annex,

3:23

and you're the guy in the white coat behind

3:25

the counter, isn't that right? That's

3:28

right, yes. It's the perfect place to be, you know. Obviously,

3:30

I have a medical background, but my first

3:32

background is, of course, with Christ. So it

3:34

was a good way for me to put

3:36

my two things together, and who doesn't need

3:38

a little health help every now and again?

3:40

Isn't that right? It's called Lord's Drugs,

3:43

and if you aren't familiar, dear listener, and

3:46

it's, yeah, over in the far annex, and Raylan,

3:49

you even are getting a drive-through now,

3:51

right? Where we can drive through to

3:53

get our, whatever, our diabetes medications, our

3:56

painkillers and whatnot? Absolutely. We

3:58

do not want speed. or

4:00

time in someone's day to affect whether or not

4:02

they get their healthcare coverage. And you know the

4:05

annex that we're in the second annex isn't huge

4:08

so we figured you know it might be might be best to

4:10

have another way to get stuff. That's

4:12

awesome. When you go into Lord's Drugs and which

4:14

is funny somebody the other day flipped that around

4:16

and said I went to drug lords the other

4:18

day and I thought well oh wait a minute

4:20

what did you just say and I and

4:22

I corrected them but you know when you

4:24

go in there it feels like the drugstore

4:26

used to feel doesn't it it's got a

4:28

lot of wood it's got a lot

4:31

of candy in the old jazz it's got the

4:33

ice cream counter and then you can also get

4:35

your lipitor or whatever you need. Yeah we didn't

4:37

want to make it too medicine forward you know

4:39

we didn't want to lead with the drugs too

4:41

hard I mean drug lords does make a lot

4:43

of sense if you're talking about other pharmacies. Yeah

4:45

in that right. You know they're shoving these pills

4:47

down people's throat that they don't really need you

4:49

know every person that comes in

4:52

we give them a child-sized scoop of ice

4:54

cream just to see will that do it?

4:56

Will that solve what AOC? That works sometimes.

4:59

Well a nice scoop of ice cream and a

5:01

prayer goes a long way. Yeah right. That

5:04

is awesome. That is awesome. And I think you're

5:06

right I mean a lot of these places

5:08

these drug lords places I mean they are

5:10

just throwing medication at people that they don't

5:13

even need and I like that when you

5:15

go into Lord's Drugs it's more of a

5:17

conversation isn't it with you about you know

5:19

yes yes maybe your doctor said this but

5:21

you've also got to have a conversation with

5:24

you Raylan about you know you got the

5:26

Raylan stamp of approval. Yep. Absolutely. I like

5:28

to think that everyone in our community with

5:30

the love of Jesus of course is a

5:32

self healer and so only you know your

5:35

body and I just know what to

5:37

put into it so I'm 50 you're

5:39

50 together that makes a

5:41

hundred. Oh in that right I mean you

5:44

can't argue with math and Raylan I'll tell you

5:46

what I think that what you're

5:48

doing providing the option of like may

5:50

I pray with you you know I

5:52

understand you're here to pick up some

5:55

tetracycline because it's very clear that you

5:57

have horrific acne but

5:59

would you like prayer because you know

6:01

what that teen or you know maybe even

6:03

that 30 year old sometimes the

6:06

pimples just they keep popping up and um

6:08

you know let's say maybe

6:10

there's like a single gal there trying to

6:12

you know address her acne but what she

6:14

didn't realize until you offered her prayers that

6:17

she's really interested in is a godly man

6:20

praying over her giving her a little attention

6:22

and maybe that prayer talks her out of

6:24

that tetracycline because um you know now she

6:26

has a better idea of what she really

6:29

wants and needs you know that is so

6:31

true that i mean acne must be fixed when

6:33

people come in obviously it has to be dealt

6:35

with but there are many ways

6:37

to deal with it sometimes i ask what's

6:39

your skincare routine what's your prayer routine what's

6:41

your shower routine there's a lot of different

6:44

routines that can really affect the skin but

6:46

yeah we'll pray we'll get down on a

6:48

knee we'll pray to you know

6:50

of course the lord we'll pray to your

6:52

own skin we'll pray to

6:55

the idea of queer of just

6:57

queer oh the thing in the airport

7:00

yes that's worth it they are a

7:02

wonderful a wonderful organization really not a good

7:04

service yeah oh yeah really good it's

7:06

it's nice to get the treatment that you know you

7:08

kind of deserve you don't want to be in that

7:11

long line with all those philistines you know what i

7:13

mean that's right and raylin i'll

7:15

tell you what um the other

7:17

thing is that the power of prayer

7:19

is real and you and i know that so if honestly

7:23

you could pray over somebody's acne and

7:25

it clears right up because nothing is

7:27

impossible for god and i know we

7:29

don't pray for amputees but almost everything

7:31

else can be healed by

7:33

god yes i prayed away a

7:36

a bunion not last week someone had a

7:38

horrible bunion on their right foot they said

7:40

do i need a toe spreader do i

7:42

need to like sort of chisel this thing

7:44

off absolutely not i'll pray for

7:47

you the bunion will be gone that

7:49

is awesome i used to you know it's fun

7:51

day you say you know that with self-healing because

7:53

i'm i'm from australia i'm not sure if you

7:56

could tell but i had a i had a

7:58

at an old ante that you used to swear that

8:00

an onion for a bunion would cure it.

8:02

She'd also say some port for a wart.

8:06

She would say, you know, a

8:08

stosh. Shiver for a sliver. Oh, what

8:10

was that one? A shiver for a sliver. If

8:12

you get yourself really cold, the sliver will shoot

8:14

right out of your finger or toe. Really? Oh,

8:16

I hadn't heard that one. Hell yeah. There's a

8:18

lot of really... It's things

8:21

that people might call offensively an old wives'

8:23

tale, but it's really an old

8:25

pharmacist's tale. These are mostly medical processes that

8:27

were carried out back in the old days

8:29

when we didn't have a white coat. We didn't

8:31

always have a clean

8:33

drug store. Sometimes these things were done in the field,

8:36

the manger, the ocean.

8:38

Wow. Yeah, because she used to say

8:41

a Cheshire for the pressure that would put a

8:43

cat on the chest if you

8:45

had high blood pressure or hypertension. Genius.

8:48

Yeah. And I actually had an uncle

8:50

die of high blood pressure, and they

8:52

almost saved him by putting just cats all over

8:55

him. Unfortunately, that did help the high blood pressure,

8:57

but it was unfortunate because he was allergic to

8:59

the cats. Oh, no. And it

9:01

was like, well, six of one, half dozen of the

9:03

other. But I love that you're unafraid to take what

9:06

I would call ancient wisdom, which

9:09

is what we traffic here. So if

9:11

we're going to be trafficking something, it's the Bible,

9:13

and that is ancient wisdom. And I love that

9:15

you're just down there saying, yes,

9:17

maybe you could be on Zoloft

9:19

or the old thing that

9:21

I've heard you say before, it's compression for depression,

9:24

where you just really are putting a lot of

9:26

pressure on the head area, and just

9:29

a good head squeeze. A lot of

9:31

times that will snap you right out

9:33

of it. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, the

9:35

ancient wisdom, I'm not against new wisdom,

9:37

or what I call medical wisdom, or

9:39

medical study. I'm not against that.

9:41

But why are we throwing out the baby

9:43

with the bathwater? Just because it's old doesn't

9:45

mean it's mold. You know what I mean? Wow.

9:49

I think that's a good idea, is in

9:51

circulation. So compression for depression is a classic.

9:54

You normally just take two hands, one on each

9:56

ear, push inward until

9:58

they scream. And if If

10:00

that doesn't work, you get out an ACE

10:02

bandage, wrap that around very tightly, again hands

10:04

on ears until they scream. And if that

10:06

doesn't work, we lay the patient down flat.

10:08

And then my full body weight compresses their

10:10

full body weight, of course, until they scream.

10:13

And then we know the depression's gone after

10:15

that. Boom strikes and it's out of there.

10:17

And then give them an ice cream and

10:19

send them on their way. That

10:21

is awesome. And I love that you, you

10:23

know, any old pharmacy that we go to

10:25

out in the secular world, they've got the

10:28

consultation window, the pickup window, whatever. Well,

10:30

I think you're a genius for adding

10:33

the Godly Embrace window where people can

10:35

go get in line if they need

10:37

a Godly Embrace. And that's another form

10:39

of compression because sometimes don't you just

10:41

think you just need a

10:43

Christian hug. And I've stood in the Godly

10:45

Embrace line and I think you're an incredible

10:48

hugger, Rayland. Wow. That

10:50

really makes me feel great, I have to say. I

10:52

could tell. I mean, most people are feeling

10:54

good after their hugs, but it feels really

10:56

great to hear it affirmatively from someone who

10:58

isn't actively crying. Yeah. Well,

11:01

a cone for a bone, right? And meaning

11:03

an ice cream cone for a broken bone, which

11:05

is one that I just came up with. But

11:07

it would probably work. I'm going to write that

11:09

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12:25

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12:27

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wherever you get your podcasts. I

12:56

do want to ask you, when I was in

12:58

there not long ago, it just reminded me of that

13:03

great Christian movie. You

13:06

got Jimmy Stewart, and he's

13:09

in the medicine place, kind of

13:11

the old drugstore, and he gets smacked

13:13

in the ear, and his ear is

13:16

bleeding or whatever. I guess the

13:18

old guy that ran that drugstore wasn't as good as you,

13:20

but I just love that kind of – because that's such

13:22

a hotwarming scene. When

13:24

you go into a drugstore and you know

13:26

the druggist, and I say druggist because I

13:29

want to make it feel old, but I

13:31

would say you're more than a druggist. Yeah,

13:33

yeah. I'm a healer, most and foremost. That's

13:35

how I identify, and I

13:37

don't want to use that in the new agey kind of

13:39

way, but I'm there to heal

13:41

whatever ails you. I have no preference. I don't

13:43

care what you came in with. Have you always

13:46

been a healer? Is that something that was from

13:48

childhood? It was

13:50

just a part of your DNA? Well, no.

13:52

Actually, when I graduated high school, I was

13:54

looking for jobs, and I saw that pharmacists

13:56

was one of the best-paying jobs for the

13:58

least amount of school. you could do. And

14:01

I realized, wow, what a path. And of

14:03

course I already had my religious leanings and

14:05

everything, but once I figured out you could

14:07

make a ton of money doing this, I

14:10

figured now that's a way to help both

14:12

myself and others. Oh, I'm going

14:14

to tell my kids about this. That's a really

14:16

good song. It really is. And

14:18

so the diploma that says Bible Medicine Academy,

14:20

that is where you ended up going to

14:22

school? Not only did I go there, I

14:24

founded it. Is that right? That's awesome. Yeah,

14:26

no, ideally I had a founder. Yes,

14:29

Bible Medicine Academy is

14:31

the premium pre-accredited school

14:34

for medical worship. That's

14:36

fantastic. Awesome. And so were

14:38

you able to work in secular pharmacies with that

14:40

before or did you have you always worked in

14:42

sort of a Christian setting? Well, I was able

14:44

to, but it definitely caused some problems. Okay. It

14:47

caused some problems because you know what they want

14:49

to do, they wanted to fill them and show them.

14:51

They want to fill the bottle and get them

14:53

out the window and they'll give a pill to anybody

14:55

for anything. And once they

14:58

found out that my diploma wasn't accredited

15:00

by the pharmaceutical

15:02

association, that

15:04

would always cause an issue. But what I said was

15:07

that our program is better because

15:09

it does both the medical and the

15:12

sub-medical or the soul

15:14

healing. The biblical. That's

15:16

right. The biblical, excuse me. Yeah. And

15:19

speaking of the druggist from his wonderful life,

15:21

he was a raging drunk, which I imagine

15:23

most pharmacists are. Really? I never understood that.

15:25

He was? Yeah. He was hitting the booze.

15:27

And I imagine most pharmacists are because I

15:29

mean, you're back there with all these pills

15:31

that everybody wants. You have total access to

15:33

them. I mean, are most pharmacists just hopped

15:35

up on pills all day and night? It's

15:37

a big temptation. It's a big temptation. And I know

15:39

a lot of pharmacists look like this is not my

15:42

word, but nerds. Yeah, for sure. But a lot of

15:44

them, they fall prey. They fall prey to what's back

15:46

there. There's a lot of stuff that can make you

15:48

feel good if you don't have access to a higher

15:50

power. Wow. I'm not going

15:52

to lie. They sample the merchandise. I

15:54

do have a few of my own

15:56

vices, but luckily it's just ice creams,

15:58

Werther's originals, Tootsie Roll. any

16:00

sort of single package candy. That's what really

16:02

gets me going and I know I should

16:05

quit. But sometimes you just need

16:07

it. Oh I love a Warther's! I'm so

16:09

glad you said that. And you know what?

16:11

I don't think there's anything wrong. You know

16:13

my son Day, he's always giving me guff

16:15

because he's like how is it eating a

16:17

donut any different than a cigarette? Because you

16:19

know I'm obviously not gonna let my kids

16:21

drink or smoke. And he said but if

16:24

you know you go and eat a box

16:26

of Krispy Kreme's isn't that hurting your temple

16:28

in the same way nicotine would hurt your

16:30

temple? And I say not at all my

16:32

man. That is apples and oranges. I mean

16:34

am I right? Well we know if you

16:36

look back to the earliest religious texts we

16:38

know that Jesus loved donuts. Really? Yeah we

16:41

know that. We know that. It's not said

16:43

implicitly but it's implied. Yeah. That's right. I've

16:45

never thought like what is an unleavened donut?

16:48

I guess it's more of a kind of

16:50

just a tortilla with a hole in it.

16:52

Yeah. Sweet tortilla. Yeah. That

16:54

would be really cool. And speaking of sweets, is there

16:57

a technique to roll in

16:59

the cone so that you make these perfect

17:02

little spheres? I can never do it at

17:04

home when I open a new briars or

17:06

whatnot. Yeah. Yeah. I mean I will say

17:08

learning how to scoop the ice cream in

17:10

the booth was as hard as getting the

17:13

all the knowledge of the pharmaceutical. I bet.

17:15

I would. Wow. People don't know about medicine.

17:17

They sort of take what you give them

17:19

and they go okay sure. I guess this

17:21

will help me you know. But they know

17:23

about ice cream and they're gonna have comments.

17:25

They're gonna have issues. They're gonna say why

17:27

is this cone oblong? Why is the scoop

17:29

not circular? Why is it sort of a

17:31

little bit square or oval? You really have

17:33

to please people the way they're

17:35

looking for or else they'll throw it back

17:37

in your face. I can't tell you how

17:40

many ice cream scoops I've had thrown in

17:42

my face. Really? Really. It's really sad. Even

17:44

at this church. Even at this church you

17:46

know it's one of those things that people

17:48

feel really really personal about. Yeah. And I

17:50

get it. They're sick. They're in there. They're

17:52

sick both mentally both physically and probably soul

17:54

wise. Yeah. So you know I don't

17:56

take it personally but it is something that I said hey rather

17:58

than have this argument I'll just become a professional scooper.

18:00

Yeah, I mean people have a personal

18:03

relationship with our ice cream and I think

18:05

that is really important and I love how

18:07

you have the, I don't know any place

18:09

that's done this, of course I don't eat

18:11

ice cream, I never have, it's way too

18:13

much sugar for the type of body that

18:15

I have and the type of goals that

18:17

I'm making right now in the gym. But

18:20

one thing that I think is fascinating is

18:22

just that you put a scoop and you've

18:24

got this little bucket of hot kind

18:26

of what I call

18:28

it milky water back there and it's

18:30

just that and as soon as

18:32

you see that ice cream scoop cut through

18:34

with that with that kind of hot, what

18:36

would you call that stuff that kind of

18:39

collects in that and what is that thing?

18:41

Well that's a hot bucket of milkwater. Okay.

18:44

It's simply to heat up the scoop

18:46

so that it can fly right through

18:48

there and I'll tell you I am

18:50

having a few issues with the health

18:52

department. Really? Normally in a you know

18:54

secular ice cream shop they would have

18:56

that water circulating, they would have that

18:58

water hitting a drain but for me

19:00

I don't want to waste anything. I

19:03

want the whole community's ice cream to touch the

19:05

whole community's ice cream. Oh I love that. That's

19:07

community. It's unified. And this is why you know

19:09

Halley when people come from the outside

19:12

like the health department come in here and

19:14

they try to, they don't understand what real

19:16

community is and this is real community. They

19:18

don't get it. The health department is so

19:20

wrong about all of their complaints with the

19:22

pharmacy ice cream shop and

19:25

I really I don't say this a lot but

19:27

I hope, we can edit

19:29

this out right if it's a problem. Yeah for sure

19:31

for sure. I really hope the health department goes to

19:33

hell. Yep. Isn't that right? Yeah. There's supposed to be

19:35

a separation of church and state am I right?

19:37

I know. Right and why do we have

19:40

hell if it isn't for some people? Exactly.

19:42

And for whole department? Yes yes from yes

19:44

from the receptionist to the people that print

19:46

the letters. You're all going south. Yeah. Well

19:49

I told I said something's changed down here

19:51

and I couldn't see what had changed in

19:53

there until you ran into it which was

19:55

the plexiglass wall that they put between the

19:58

pill counter and the ice cream. And

20:00

I just thought that has really ruined the aesthetic of

20:02

this place because yes, you can't see the plexiglass from

20:04

our side, really. But I'm assuming they're the ones who

20:07

made you put that up and I guess maybe to

20:09

just keep the pills out of the ice cream. It

20:11

has completely ruined the aesthetic. It has been good for

20:13

the pills and good for the ice cream, but it

20:15

has ruined the aesthetic. It has caused me and my

20:18

employees to have bumps on our heads regularly, which we

20:20

don't enjoy. And it just

20:22

feels unnecessary. Just tell us what you want, Health

20:24

Department. Be clear. Okay, so you don't

20:26

want pills to go into the ice cream and then ice cream

20:28

to go into the kids' mouths. We can do

20:30

that, but we just didn't know

20:32

that that's what your specific problem was. They're vague.

20:35

That's the issue with this Health Department. They're vague and

20:38

persecuting. That's right. The church is tax

20:40

exempt. We should be regulation exempt. You

20:42

know what I mean? Absolutely.

20:45

There should be no health regulations at the church. We take care of

20:47

our own. And I like that Superman ice cream. You

20:49

always keep stock that has the bubble gum chunks in it

20:51

so that you end up after your cone, you end up

20:53

with a mouthful of a big, massive

20:55

wad of gum. And I guess

20:58

because of that, maybe you

21:00

could have a rocky road filled up

21:02

with a bunch of herpes pills or

21:04

something. And you could be scarfing those

21:06

down. I don't even know what you

21:08

call a herpes pill. But maybe if

21:10

the pills go in there, people will

21:12

be scarfing them down in their rocky

21:15

road. And forgive me if this is

21:17

too personal a question, Rayland. But

21:20

is your preference a sugar cone or a

21:22

waffle or a regular? Whoa.

21:25

Whoa. That is personal. I guess

21:27

I like a sugary waffle cone. I know that's

21:29

crazy to sort of take two cones and put

21:31

them together. But I find that the waffle cone

21:33

can be a little bland. So I'll add a

21:35

little extra sugar. And then I'm just

21:37

off to treat town. Like a

21:39

sugar rim? Like when you do a salt rim

21:41

on a glass? That's awesome.

21:43

Now, what the heck is going on with that

21:46

regular cone? It's so squishy.

21:48

And there's no flavor. I

21:50

mean, this is a lot of talk about cones, but.

21:52

Well, it's as much a draw as the medicine for

21:54

us. Because as you know, a lot of our parishioners

21:57

and disciples and everything at the

21:59

church research, they don't know that they need medicine.

22:02

They think they're against it. And I think

22:05

sometimes you do. You know, sometimes you do need

22:08

a herpes pill. Sometimes you do need a scaby

22:10

pill. Sometimes you need, you know,

22:12

you have an itchy butt and you need a

22:14

pill for that. Like some things are good and

22:16

we need them. And it's almost as if the

22:18

Lord has just put a prayer into pill form.

22:21

So for the people who are resistant, I find

22:23

that the ice cream really does bring them in.

22:26

And the soft cone is simply

22:28

to upsell. We have

22:30

the free cone is crap on purpose so

22:32

that people will buy a more expensive cone.

22:34

Finally it all clicks into the... 50%

22:37

goes into the collection plate? Yeah, awesome. That's awesome. Well,

22:39

and I guess I will add on to the cone

22:41

conversation even though this is a lot about cones was

22:43

that I thought it was, you

22:45

know, Halle, I don't like to name names, but I

22:47

had a teen who came to climax named Beverly

22:50

Tick. And Beverly, she

22:52

is hypa. She has what's called

22:55

these days ADHD, ADHD age. And

22:58

she put, she would not take her meds,

23:00

would she? And what Raylan did

23:02

is in the, you know, in the tip

23:04

and the sort of tip top of the

23:06

sugar cone, he would just pack the

23:09

little ritalins down into the tip of the cone

23:12

and, you know, dip it and then dip it

23:14

in ribbit, I guess is what she would say.

23:16

And it's pretty much the only way we could

23:18

get her to calm down and shut up. Some

23:20

kids really need to be forced to have medicine.

23:22

And, you know, that's whether the parents want it,

23:25

whether the kids want it. Some kids need to

23:27

have society tell them to be quiet. Some

23:29

kids need to be able to behave in

23:31

church. I mean, what's worse than a loud

23:33

kid in the pews? It's just a nightmare.

23:36

You know, because I know that they're doing their best,

23:38

but we're all here to worship. We're all here to

23:40

come together. We're all here to, you

23:43

know, really take part in this. And if your

23:45

kid is annoying, ugh. A

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24:28

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24:30

in the MAGA verse. Jordan's

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full of real information. Our

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on stuff adults need to know.

25:10

I have mold in my dwelling. What do

25:12

I do? What's gerrymandering? What happens

25:14

chemically when I fall in love?

25:16

How do I handle a parent-teacher conference?

25:19

What are microbes? Listen to

25:21

Nobody Listens to Paula Poundstone. I

25:24

don't need this

25:34

because you mentioned people

25:36

having problems and different things.

25:38

I've had hemorrhoids. Every single time I've

25:40

had one of my children, when

25:43

I give birth, I get a hemorrhoid. I don't think

25:45

we actually need to talk about this again. And

25:48

what I don't want to say, and Raylan, is that

25:50

if I... Let's say... Okay, maybe you can explain this

25:52

to me. If I wanted to pop a balloon... I

25:54

wouldn't rub cream on it. So how come cream works

25:56

on a hemorrhoid? Wow. Listen up,

25:58

folks. There's a new cone that I heard about. Maybe let's

26:00

talk about cones again, because honestly, Hallie, you

26:02

bring this up and you bring it up,

26:04

you've already brought this up in situations that

26:06

had nothing to do with medicine, and

26:09

now you're bringing it up into medical one, and

26:11

I'm just wondering if any new cones are

26:13

available. But would you rub cream

26:15

on a balloon to pop it, Raylan? I

26:18

hate to do it to you, Gray, but we actually have a cone

26:20

for that. We have two cones

26:22

for that. One goes around the neck of the

26:24

human, because we don't want them

26:26

looking back, they're getting in there too much, and

26:28

then one we put around each little individual hemorrhoid,

26:31

and then we cream it, and then we pierce

26:33

it. Awesome! So it's like a dog cone, and

26:35

then a butt cone? Yeah, it's like a dog

26:38

cone and a butt cone. A

26:40

lot of people don't know this, but the dog cone

26:42

originally came from the human hemorrhoid cone. Is that right?

26:44

Really. We figured this works so good on people, we

26:46

should do it on dogs, and then it was, of

26:48

course, popularized by dogs. They love it. You put the

26:50

cone on the person so they don't bite you? So

26:52

they don't bite me, yes, while I'm piercing their hemorrhoids,

26:54

yeah. Well, that's a good idea, and speaking,

26:56

I mean, that's a, man, you're giving me

26:59

a real good idea, Raylan, because- I wish

27:01

you wouldn't. What if I could put

27:03

one of those dog cone neck

27:05

things around my teens, so

27:07

it's so high it goes over their eyes so they

27:09

can't look up porn on their phones and stuff? That

27:12

could be a great way to get an adolescent through

27:14

the teen years without being able to look at

27:16

porno. A cone for the phone. Oh

27:18

my goodness! This is great, this could be a

27:20

business idea, this could be a business idea for

27:22

the church. I think this could work. Well,

27:25

just to get away from that topic, maybe

27:27

away from the cones in general, away from

27:29

whatever Hallie is talking about that's going on

27:31

downstairs, it's always been an issue

27:33

around here, and I'm like, I just kind of

27:36

gotta call it out. But I do wanna take

27:38

the opportunity to ask you, Raylan, on top of

27:40

all those things, are you married? Married,

27:43

married only to my craft. Okay.

27:45

Only to the craft. I'm in early and I'm out late.

27:47

I'm in at 4 a.m. and I'm out at 9 p.m.

27:50

So that doesn't leave a lot of time

27:52

to do anything, to sleep, to shower, to

27:54

change clothes. Wow. So I feel

27:56

pretty dedicated. It's tough, I

27:59

take a lot of responsibility. for everybody in

28:01

our congregation and so it's tough for

28:03

me to give to just one person.

28:05

I can spread it around. You're a

28:07

servant for the Lord even at the

28:09

cost of you not having romance and

28:11

I think that's awesome and you know

28:13

I do want to mention because earlier

28:15

you said that a lot of times

28:17

when someone comes up to the consultation

28:19

window or the pickup window that you

28:21

regularly ask them about their shower routine

28:23

and I think that is very cool

28:25

and very healthy because you know what

28:28

anything could go on in the shower because

28:30

guess what nobody has clothes on

28:32

in there and so now we're already

28:34

it's a slippery slope right there and

28:36

I want you to know that my

28:38

shower routine involves a very thick loofah

28:40

that I always pick up when I'm

28:42

in Lord's drugs not even on topic Ali

28:45

very large loofah so that

28:47

I never I have never touched my body good

28:49

mind any part of my body with my bare

28:51

hand it's a very thick loofah and I just

28:53

want to pass that on that it's right there

28:56

you know right near the checkout of the Lord's

28:58

drugs where you can get a thick loofah and

29:00

I think that it's an accountability thing to you

29:03

know we should be answering to you

29:05

about our shower routines and you should be making

29:07

sure that we're not doing anything untoward in there

29:09

you know you're an accountability buddy I think that's

29:11

beautiful because as they say you know cleanliness

29:13

is next to God but what they also

29:16

don't say is cleanliness is right up against

29:18

horniness and horniness of course is right

29:20

up next to hellishness yeah yep it starts

29:22

with an H yeah that's very thoughtful if

29:24

you'd only use a loofah I mean if

29:26

I could only get everyone in the congregation

29:28

to use a big fat loofah I think

29:30

we'd be we'd all be doing a lot

29:32

better like and you do sell big fat

29:34

loofahs at the brand yeah yeah and and

29:36

what I always found interesting is in our

29:39

plastic they're made of what whatever that is

29:41

an actual sea sponge and

29:47

one of the first things you see when you come in now

29:49

is that is there any ethical thing

29:51

in that because like if sometimes sponges

29:53

I know in the ocean are alive

29:55

so if you're rubbing like what if

29:57

there's any part left in that sponge

30:00

that might be enjoying parts of your

30:02

body. Oh gosh, I didn't even think of that.

30:04

That is a big spiritual risk. I'm not sure. Maybe

30:06

we'll have to go to Horsehair Lufas next or something.

30:08

We might have to look into that. That's a great

30:10

point. Thank you so much. Well, speaking

30:12

of spiritual risks, I mean, I think you're

30:14

out there on the front lines making

30:17

a spiritual risk every day when it comes

30:19

to giving people what they want, but also

30:21

not giving people what they want. Because

30:24

you know, in this church we say it

30:26

a lot, most people don't know what they

30:28

want and the Lord knows best. As someone

30:30

who is the, I mean, if Jesus is

30:33

the ultimate doctor, you are the

30:35

pharmacist. And I love that

30:37

you're out there making these really thoughtful decisions

30:39

for the betterment of the health of our

30:41

community. I really appreciate that. And I really

30:43

appreciate the trust that the community puts into

30:45

me. You know, a lot of times they'll

30:47

come in with a diagnosis, with a prescription.

30:50

They will have already seen a doctor, which

30:52

I recommend, but they're

30:54

pretty dogmatic about thinking that's the one

30:56

way it can go. You know what

30:58

I mean? The doctor knows best. Oh,

31:00

does he? Yeah. Is the doctor

31:02

investibule too? Right. Does the doctor

31:04

scoop ice cream? Does the doctor have a personal

31:06

relationship with you head to toe? I

31:08

don't think so. Does the doctor offer

31:10

godly embraces? Does the doctor put a cone on it? See?

31:14

Or, sorry, not that. I'm just saying- What does

31:16

the doctor even do? I don't know. thing

31:20

that we talked about. Right, right. Yeah,

31:22

I do think doctors are smart. I

31:24

do. I think they should be away from

31:27

a doctor, but I do think they should realize there's got to

31:29

be some wiggle room in these prescriptions. They're

31:31

very specific, even though they're written

31:33

terribly, but I take it

31:35

as a suggestion. I take it as a jumping off point.

31:39

And I love the poster

31:41

of Anthony Fauci that you have there too that just

31:43

says, you know, it's a wanted poster. Absolutely.

31:46

Absolutely. Oh, we're going to get him. We're going

31:48

to get him. We're

31:57

going to get him. standing,

32:00

Ryan Rosenberg. Check out his

32:02

podcast, Man Dog Pod, and follow him

32:05

at Chosenberg. I'm Holly

32:07

Laurent, playing Hallie LaVant, and Grey House was played

32:09

by Greg Hess. Follow us and Meg the Podcast

32:11

and Twitter and Instagram. And if you really want

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to get out of hell free card, report us

32:15

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