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man on earth for stronger

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than anything else ,

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i less likely to

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i love

0:44

from the new york times i'm anna

0:46

maria this is modern

0:48

love

0:51

my mom chinese my dad is will eat

0:54

i grew up hearing stories about how when

0:56

how when started dating my mom my

0:58

dad tried to learn mandarin to

1:00

win over my grandparents

1:02

eventually he gave up and

1:05

they accepted him anyway i

1:07

also grew up watching my mom going

1:10

to my dad's family reunions should

1:13

, at the dorm dorm a

1:15

moment before walking into walking

1:17

house full of people love

1:19

her but will never really

1:22

understand her

1:26

i think about a woman who believes she'll

1:28

have to navigate that distance between

1:30

her culture and her partner's

1:33

is written by may hair ahmad

1:35

and read by some the land uncanny

1:40

when i found a movie bend it like beckham

1:43

on a girl scouts overnight it

1:45

saved my romantic preferences for

1:48

years to com

1:49

there's been an indian girl in football

1:50

the even allowed to go see me i

1:53

was the sole they see member of our

1:55

is suburban indiana troop i

1:57

watched the movie in a state of bliss

2:00

relieved have finally see someone

2:02

who will look like me on screen i'm

2:05

i'm really good would family

2:07

we wanted daughter in law who can run

2:10

around kicking football all day that can't make

2:12

loans about these when

2:14

guess the main character kisses

2:16

gel the white soccer coach on the pitch

2:19

in her sorry no last i

2:22

wound

2:28

i'm a final scene joe plays cricket

2:30

with jesse's punjabi father

2:33

that film sequence was like a portal

2:36

into an alternate universe where

2:38

a brown girl to date a white

2:40

guy and still be at peace

2:43

with her family

2:46

in our circle

2:48

of pakistani immigrants the few

2:50

couples with a white spouse were treated

2:52

as oddities i

2:55

had only begun to imagine myself

2:57

as someone interested in man boy

3:00

it's really

3:01

but i knew that i was expected

3:04

to be with another pakistani a

3:06

movie with a brown woman in a relationship

3:09

with a white man who was accepted

3:11

by her community represented

3:13

the best

3:13

the are both worlds

3:16

after seeing the movie i became

3:18

enthralled with white boys

3:23

the gangly runners on my cross country

3:25

team the star is that disney

3:28

movies the members of good

3:30

charlotte

3:33

my college, i brave

3:35

enough to date them or whatever

3:37

one poll said booze filled holiness

3:40

of university life

3:42

didn't hurt that i was at the university of wisconsin

3:45

madison which is what some

3:47

would call a the target rich

3:49

environment for white boys

3:54

i joined the pakistani student association

3:57

out of some misplaced guilt

3:59

for the fact the

3:59

i had not a single brown friend

4:03

i cringed if any of the guys

4:05

in the group tried to be and me

4:07

let alone flirt

4:09

it was clear to them i was simply tolerating

4:12

their company oh they faded

4:14

away to by

4:16

the time i reached new york city my

4:18

taste had evolved beyond white boys

4:21

to anything but brown

4:23

man not than i ever

4:25

thought of that bias consciously and

4:28

i embraced my brown this as a kind

4:30

of cultural curiosity explaining

4:34

where i came from and how my mother

4:36

had my mini skirts from me in high school

4:38

became a part of my personality

4:41

funny flirtatious bets i

4:43

deployed i did

4:45

it one pakistani guy who

4:48

like me had grown up abroad he

4:50

was a colleague any excess

4:52

is praise we received for getting together

4:55

alarmed me the writer

4:57

so good together people would

4:59

explain we weren't

5:02

though

5:03

soon we broke up

5:05

affirming my suspicion that i wasn't

5:07

meant to be with brown man i

5:11

did something drastic i

5:14

moved back to pakistan

5:16

i say

5:18

back because i was born there

5:21

but that hardly counts as i left when i

5:23

was

5:23

the

5:25

since emigrating my family didn't visit

5:27

all that much

5:29

as an adult i began to go

5:31

exclusively for my work in journalism

5:34

filming the bleakest parts of the country staying

5:37

in hotels surrounded by security

5:39

barrier and leaving

5:42

before i ever started to question my

5:44

relationship to the people outside

5:46

those walls i

5:48

spoke the language well and ass and

5:51

obviously it looked like everyone there

5:53

myself distinctly american

5:59

i took a leap and moving to

6:02

pakistan i thought it would

6:04

be a bankable career move to work as

6:06

a string are for american media outlets

6:08

and it was i

6:10

hadn't considered that being there would

6:13

change my convictions about love

6:16

let alone my type

6:18

i decided that dating and park is on

6:21

wasn't going to be a thing

6:22

the can be eligible men the tens

6:25

of millions of brown men in the country

6:27

didn't even register as possibilities

6:30

then i met on the

6:32

on linked them he

6:35

was attempting to network

6:37

the and co founded a pakistani use

6:39

media company and remarked

6:42

about are sharing and alma mater hello

6:45

badger there

6:48

we chatted and a pause karachi coffee

6:50

shop i told my roommate how

6:53

handsome he was but i

6:55

didn't think much else of the encounter

6:58

even though i met up with him again

7:01

the time i told my roommate afterward

7:04

that he reminded me of my brother

7:07

the common feeling i had about brown men

7:09

my age

7:11

over the next several months ali

7:13

and i became friends despite

7:15

or perhaps because of the

7:17

fact that i didn't see him as having romantic

7:20

potential

7:22

we would mark pakistani rich kid culture

7:25

then commiserate about the country is a lack

7:27

of com butcher he was

7:29

kind attentive i

7:32

italy confident i

7:35

brought him to a friend's birthday party

7:37

where someone mistook us for a

7:39

couple we laugh

7:41

it off then i caught him

7:43

looking at me as he did later

7:46

he offered me a ride home and i

7:48

fully expected him to asked to come inside

7:52

when he didn't i huffed off texting

7:55

my friends in new york

7:57

i it out here can't even as girls

7:59

out

7:59

properly

8:02

moments later he

8:04

texted i'm sorry

8:06

if this is weird but i'd like to

8:08

ask you out on a date how

8:11

about

8:12

the morrow

8:17

i couldn't put my finger on what finally

8:20

attracted me to him for

8:22

starters and my imagined bi

8:24

racial relationship there

8:26

had been all this culture is signaling that

8:28

wasn't nasa

8:29

there he anymore

8:31

because we were both brown gradually

8:34

i realize that meant i didn't that

8:36

to do my exhausting race conscious

8:39

performance the

8:41

self deprecating jokes

8:43

would matter about terrorism

8:45

the reflexive ironic shield i

8:48

felt i needed

8:49

when i was the one pakistani and

8:51

the crowd

8:52

he understood

8:55

without me having to say anything

8:58

after months of dating i

9:01

saw how much space performance

9:03

had taken up in my previous relationship

9:06

without it i was vulnerable

9:09

and

9:09

crown

9:11

the weight of constant posturing

9:13

suddenly lifted hope

9:15

and intimacy i could never achieve

9:18

with the not brown guys

9:20

the

9:23

and i are married now and

9:25

it's the most comfortable i have ever

9:27

felt with another human being what's

9:31

funny is that and telling the story

9:35

i realize i have written be exact

9:37

type of propaganda immigrant mother's

9:39

pedal to keep their daughters in the

9:41

culture the for only

9:44

my mother was fond of telling me stories

9:46

of some distant friend or relative

9:49

who married a light ma'am and then divorced

9:52

only to find happiness once they

9:54

remarried a dc the

9:57

isn't that

9:59

that it

9:59

not that either

10:02

i'm not attracted to my husband because

10:05

he

10:05

brown

10:06

then i also know we wouldn't have the relationship

10:09

we have if he weren't from

10:12

the vantage point of my most committed

10:14

relationship i can see

10:17

how my interior tussle with my

10:19

identity carried into how i saw

10:21

the men around me

10:26

my

10:26

i've been denied joke about what it

10:28

would have been like if we had met in college

10:31

it turns out our paths

10:33

had crossed back then without

10:35

meeting at the pakistani student

10:38

association

10:40

by instead we

10:42

met in the country of my birth

10:45

in a cafe surrounded by other brown

10:47

people

10:49

i had finally stopped seeing

10:51

them brown people

10:54

that it man

10:56

yeah is likely to be in

10:58

at the next guy

11:08

after the break how to put

11:10

your love laced into the hands

11:12

of the universe as coming up

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today's podcast is supported

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by global x e t s the

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modern love listeners we've got a question

11:44

for you what's , most unusual

11:47

place you've ever been on a date

11:50

we want to hear about what brought you there

11:52

who you're with and what made it so

11:54

memorable

11:55

how about your unexpected the spot

11:57

by visiting in my dreams dot

11:59

com slash neat story for

12:02

all of the submission details again

12:04

that's n y times dot com

12:06

slash

12:06

the story the can't wait to hear from

12:22

the day that they may have finally

12:24

found out eve after years of

12:27

looking forward to one it's

12:29

a challenge to find love and

12:31

there are many ways to tackle that challenge you

12:33

can swipe on the apps or go to

12:35

parties or ask your friends to set

12:38

you up or ,

12:40

can drop your books in a crowded hallway and

12:42

a handsome stranger my help you pick them up of

12:45

a bow one only happens in rom coms

12:48

more and more people are trying to find love

12:50

these days to something

12:52

called manifest

12:54

in

12:56

many online yeah

12:58

my only thought is about manifestation

13:01

of law of attraction probably manifestation

13:03

is all

13:03

the over my social media feeds

13:05

and it also in my social life

13:07

recently and had friends tell me how they manifest

13:10

the new apartment or a text from

13:12

their crash the basic idea

13:14

with manifestation is if you think

13:16

very intentionally about something you want and

13:18

you believe deeply that it will come to pass

13:21

the universe will respond and

13:23

that seeing will happen you'll have manifested

13:27

so romantic minutes the station is

13:29

picturing your perfect partner or whatever that

13:31

means you and putting your love life

13:34

in

13:34

the end of the universe and

13:36

nice a slap on , list

13:38

is so i

13:40

wrote everything that

13:42

everything wanted enhancement all he says

13:45

around a bunch of the qualities

13:47

that i wanted and someone funny boil

13:49

trustworthy it's i also read

13:51

things like i want someone to snowboard someone who's

13:54

keyboard and if you want

13:55

try romantic manifestation there's

13:57

plenty of advice online

14:02

oh

14:03

on go through and name

14:06

if the person that you want to manifest

14:08

the message from

14:10

how did you feel anything

14:13

read i'm not really interested

14:16

in whether manifestation works

14:18

like that's for the universe to decide

14:21

i am interested in spirituality

14:23

and what happens when the infuse it into

14:25

a romance the glad i want to know

14:28

why romantic manifestation is such

14:30

a thing though i called

14:32

a blur pitcher he's a contributing writer

14:34

to the times who reports on dating

14:36

and social media and popular culture

14:41

markets are hello hi

14:43

so in that romantic manifestation

14:46

sort of become more mainstream

14:49

recently i think

14:51

there was a trend recently

14:54

on tic toc no matter what he is doing

14:56

no matter who were people repeating

14:58

the matter what he is doing no matter who he

15:00

is where he has always thinking about me

15:03

always thinking about

15:05

me

15:06

what is that attempting to to

15:08

manifest

15:09

the his pension his thoughts

15:12

yeah and interest from a person

15:14

who you want to want you i know

15:16

a lot of people posted at saying that's how they

15:18

then a manifest their eggs back to

15:21

that that is one of the

15:22

the time i came across

15:24

love manifestation and then it's also

15:27

a , videos like symbol limit or manifestation

15:29

videos on manifesting being

15:31

hot has to be wildly

15:33

attractive a magnetic anyone

15:36

had to manifest this stuff

15:38

one is see yourself as a desirable

15:41

person see yourself

15:43

as someone who is designed who was wanted

15:46

who is attractive beautiful see yourself in yourself

15:49

asses in that light stuff you know

15:51

i've seen several

15:51

videos and i feel like the people making

15:54

them are all that sort of in the same age

15:56

range younger

15:57

and i would assume that target demographic

15:59

are are so

15:59

at a similar age

16:02

why do you think man

16:03

the station it feels so much to jenn

16:05

the

16:06

though i do feel like

16:08

having these

16:10

things that people can recite or message

16:12

that you can use seventeen since it

16:15

really gives people a sense of control

16:17

dot they don't otherwise in

16:20

in dating now a days

16:22

right arm and i also think it's really

16:24

just going alongside

16:26

the six rising interest and spirituality

16:28

and general if you're into doing

16:31

things like opening up your third i

16:33

then i haven't tested for you saw

16:35

a matter of meditation retreat

16:37

and i think they young people are

16:40

really interested the n you

16:42

know new age spirituality and different techniques

16:44

and really opening up to a lotta different things

16:47

that us virtual but not necessarily religion

16:49

you are part of the greater whole connected to

16:51

all the energy around us and so

16:53

i think manifestation odds

16:56

this element spirituality

16:58

which really takes away from it being

17:01

so that's you know yeah

17:03

they more about that how does it what element

17:05

does it add because it's divine

17:08

you know it's a divine cunning sin i

17:10

think that's the so many years we

17:12

were really pushed to kind of rise

17:14

and grind

17:15

people are really tired

17:18

of the same thing at this point zero

17:21

senate's was in you go on a dating app and

17:23

you're putting an oldies hours slicing and swiping

17:26

your

17:26

the not feeling like you're meeting anyone

17:28

it'll very is that full who

17:31

so i think sigh a

17:33

lot dialogue

17:36

at the moment is wow saucer loving

17:38

people are rejecting the gym and going

17:41

for just walks it's not going

17:43

on dates that you don't want to go on and

17:45

it's really waiting for that person and believing

17:47

that they gonna come to you at the right time

17:49

at the time that you're ready for them

17:52

more and thank you

17:53

much retard you need today about manifestations

17:56

to the universe in destiny i so enjoyed

17:58

our conversation

17:59

he tweeted

18:13

no

18:14

modern as a woman it's

18:16

a call from her ex husband he's

18:18

, out of time time he has request

18:21

that their season finale next week

18:24

modern love is produced

18:26

by julia botero hands beutel

18:28

any lissa dudley is edited

18:31

by sarah sarah's and the

18:33

editor was mixed by dan how the will

18:35

also made our modern love theme music

18:38

digital production many humans your bonnie

18:40

and special thanks to an and diamond at

18:42

autumn the modern love column is

18:44

edited by daniel jones merely

18:47

is the editor modern less projects

18:50

i manner martin thanks for listening