0:00

Hi. I'm Richie Freeman, and I'm your modern

0:02

manners guy. In under twenty minutes a

0:04

week, I can teach you how to avoid awkward

0:06

zoom call moments, rock the holiday

0:09

office party, and navigate the ever

0:11

changing workplace with grace

0:13

and charm. See, manners

0:15

are more than just soup spoons, dinner

0:17

parties and white glove hoity, hoity

0:19

events. It's about having meaningful

0:22

connections with people, feeling confident

0:24

and most importantly not being a jerk.

0:26

Listening to modern manners guy on Apple Podcasts,

0:29

Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

0:50

Hey, it's Rachel Cook, your modern

0:52

mentor. I'm a founder of Lead

0:54

Above Noise, a firm specializing in

0:57

helping teams and organizations optimize

0:59

their working experience. The

1:01

thing about great working experiences is

1:04

that, well, they require hard

1:06

work. And mean, not so

1:08

much hard in the sense of effort,

1:10

but I guess in our willingness to

1:12

talk about hard stuff, like

1:15

stuff that feels uncomfortable or

1:17

awkward or even likely to trigger

1:19

feelings we just don't wanna deal with.

1:21

And so many of us, and yes,

1:24

me too, are guilty of just

1:26

not having that conversation because things

1:29

right now aren't that bad. Right?

1:31

But if we had the conversation and

1:33

we had it well, we know in our hearts

1:36

that things could be so much better. Like,

1:39

imagine your boss is great. You

1:41

know, mostly. He's supportive

1:43

of you, he coaches you, he respects your

1:45

boundaries, but you're ready

1:47

for the next level, and you need exposure

1:50

to other leaders. And anytime you

1:52

work on a presentation, your boss ends

1:54

up doing all the presenting while you sit

1:56

quietly in the back. Or maybe

1:58

you have a colleague who is smart and well

2:00

meaning, but they have these habits

2:03

that sometimes make collaboration a

2:05

little painful. Like, they

2:07

send seventeen emails that if they had

2:09

just done a little bit of organizing, probably

2:12

could have been one. Or they don't

2:14

check with you before making decisions that leave

2:16

you with extra administrative stuff

2:18

on your plate. In both of these

2:20

situations, you could just not have

2:22

the conversation because nothing horrible

2:24

is happening, but wouldn't life just

2:27

be better if you went for it? These

2:29

dreaded moments require us to have

2:31

something called a crucial conversation.

2:34

Crucial conversations is an actual book.

2:36

And I'll put a link to it in the show notes if you'd

2:38

like to read more. But today, let's

2:41

talk about what makes conversation a

2:43

crucial one. And how we can have

2:45

a solid version of it that leaves everyone

2:47

feeling like a winner. So

2:49

what is a crucial conversation? There

2:52

are all kinds of important conversations

2:54

that can or should be had.

2:57

But what makes something specifically accrual

3:00

conversations is three things.

3:02

One, there are posing views,

3:05

two, there are high stakes, and

3:07

three, there are strong emotions. Opposing

3:10

views is probably pretty self explanatory,

3:13

but it just means there's no obvious

3:15

right or wrong. It's not you know,

3:17

like a conflict between someone harassing

3:20

and being harassed. There's no objective

3:22

offense or failure to point to. You

3:24

feel one way and presumably the other person

3:26

feels another. High stakes

3:29

means that this thing really matters. In

3:31

the examples I gave, The stakes

3:33

are your ability to get promoted or to

3:35

manage your time effectively. It's

3:37

not matter of disagreeing about whether

3:39

this year's holiday party should be beach or city

3:41

themed. The consequences in the impacts

3:44

are real. And finally, strong

3:46

emotions means someone could really

3:48

get hurt or offended if things aren't handled

3:50

properly. Next time you're

3:52

facing a conversation you just don't want

3:54

to have, start by asking yourself whether

3:56

it meets these criteria. If it's

3:58

low stakes, it may not be worth having.

4:01

If it's not super emotional, it may

4:03

not be worth stressing over. And

4:05

if there really is a right answer, then

4:07

that might be a feedback conversation. But

4:10

for now, let's assume you need to

4:12

have a crucial conversation. So

4:14

with criteria met, how do you do it

4:16

effectively? Here are

4:18

some things to focus on. First,

4:21

you wanna do some prep work. Because

4:23

of the whole high stakes, high emotion

4:25

thing, you wanna head into this conversation

4:27

with something of game plan. So

4:29

here are some questions to ask yourself and

4:32

answer before you dive in.

4:34

Let's take this example of the situation with

4:36

your well meaning boss who is hogging the spotlight.

4:39

First, consider your objectives. What

4:42

outcomes are you hoping for? For you

4:44

and for your boss? And what do you

4:46

want to avoid having happen? You

4:49

probably want to be given more opportunities

4:51

to showcase your work, and you don't want

4:53

to leave your boss feeling unappreciated for

4:55

all the hard work he's already doing to support

4:58

you. Next, think about

5:00

the other person's default style, like

5:02

how you've experienced them in the past.

5:04

Do they tend to respond more to data

5:06

or stories? Do they like to problem

5:09

solve together, or do they prefer to reflect

5:11

before responding? Having clarity

5:13

around objectives and the other person's default

5:16

style can help you prepare for the

5:18

outcome you'd like by having the right data

5:20

or stories or whatever you'll need

5:22

on hand. So

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mentor. Second,

7:35

present facts and stories, but

7:37

keep them separate. In every situation,

7:40

there are facts and there are stories.

7:42

Like, fact. The last time there

7:44

was a big presentation, your boss did

7:46

all the talking. Story. You're

7:49

concerned the absence of your voice is holding

7:51

you back from bigger opportunities. Maybe

7:53

you're even worried your boss doesn't trust you to

7:55

deliver the presentation. All

7:58

of this is fair. But when you deliver

8:00

your message to your boss, it's really important

8:02

that he hear the distinction between fact

8:04

and story. If you go in hot

8:07

saying, You never give me the opportunity

8:09

to speak because you don't trust me.

8:11

Blending fact and story together, you'll

8:13

lose your boss quickly. Because maybe

8:16

as it turns out, he totally trusts

8:18

you. Leading with an accusation

8:20

that rings false can leave your boss feeling

8:22

attacked, and this is what triggers those

8:24

high emotions. This is a land mine we

8:26

want to step around very carefully. So

8:29

start with the facts. In those

8:31

last three presentations, I was hoping to

8:33

have an opportunity to speak at some point,

8:35

but I was asked to take notes and advance

8:38

slides. This is it. This

8:40

is indisputable. So start

8:42

there and then move into the impacts.

8:45

It was kind of a bummer because I'm worried

8:47

that you don't trust me or that you don't trust

8:49

that I'm ready to present to the leadership team.

8:51

And that's your story. That piece

8:54

is debatable, but it puts your boss

8:56

in the position of having to recognize the facts

8:58

and understand the impact they've had on you.

9:01

And now it's your boss's turn to reply.

9:04

Be sure to listen and listen well

9:06

because maybe there's an entirely different story

9:08

about why your role has been strong and silent.

9:11

And remember, one of the elements of a crucial

9:13

conversation is the possibility of strong emotions.

9:16

Your boss may have a moment of feeling awful

9:18

or guilty or afraid you're gonna

9:20

resign. So create

9:22

a safe space for those emotions. Take

9:24

a pause here and let it all be put on the table

9:27

before you move to the next piece. Third,

9:30

propose options. Here

9:32

you get to advocate for what you want. Ask

9:35

respectfully and boldly, but be willing

9:37

to compromise. Maybe you're hoping to

9:39

run the show next time, like give the

9:41

whole day presentation. And maybe

9:44

depending on what came out of the previous part of

9:46

the conversation, Your boss isn't ready to

9:48

make that leap. So what are some options

9:50

you might compromise on? Maybe when

9:52

the next presentation comes around, you

9:54

get the opportunity to do the introduction and

9:57

facilitate the q and a at the end. Or

9:59

maybe your boss shared a specific concern

10:01

And so your next step is to do some practice

10:04

presentations so he can coach you on your public

10:06

speaking skill. The goal is to

10:08

land on an option that you both feel really good

10:10

about. It addresses both of your concerns

10:12

and hopes. And finally, plan

10:15

your next steps. Get specific.

10:17

You wanna be sure that you and your boss are

10:20

clear and aligned on exactly what's been

10:22

agreed to. Walking away with

10:24

a Lucy Gucci sense of, we'll get him next

10:26

time, tends to lead to disappointment.

10:29

Specifics like details, actions,

10:31

dates, and times should all be captured,

10:34

ideally in writing. This doesn't

10:36

need to be super heavy handed. If you can

10:38

do a quick verbal recap at the end of the conversation

10:41

and then commit to emailing it his way,

10:43

so you both have a copy, this will

10:45

get it done. Okay. You

10:47

might say as you wrap up. So for

10:49

our next presentation on April third,

10:52

cover the intro and take us through the objectives

10:54

for the day, and then I'll hand over to you.

10:56

And when you hit that final slide, you'll pass

10:58

the mic back to me and I'll run the q and a

11:00

piece. Is that what you heard as well? It's

11:03

always amazed me how differently two people

11:05

can hear and interpret the same conversation, so

11:07

don't leave this bit to chance. And

11:09

there you go. The thing about

11:11

crucial conversations is that we can almost

11:14

always make an excuse not to have it.

11:16

But when we finally do have it, if we've

11:18

prepared well and facilitated openly,

11:21

it nearly always leaves us in a better place.

11:24

So now, what do you need to address with someone?

11:26

And are you feeling ready to get it done?

11:29

Make sure you let me know how it goes. Join

11:32

me next week for another great episode. Until

11:34

then, visit my website at lead above noise

11:36

dot com. If your organization is looking

11:38

to dial up its employee experience or deliver

11:41

some leader of development that activates change.

11:43

You can follow modern mentor on Apple Podcasts,

11:46

Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

11:49

Find and follow me on LinkedIn. Thanks so

11:51

much for listening and have a successful week.

11:53

Modern mentor is a quick and dirty tips podcast.

11:56

It's audio engineered by Dan Fireaband

11:58

with script editing by Adam CECL. Our

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podcast and advertising operation specialist

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is Morgan Christiansen. Our digital

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operation specialist is Holly Hutchings, Our

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marketing and publicity assistant is Divina

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