1:35

face.

2:01

I've said this for years. They're holding a sign up.

2:03

There's like a cupcake on there, a picture

2:05

of a dog, and then like

2:07

fucking Fonzie from Happy Days.

2:10

Why do you think they're doing that? Because

2:12

people are trying to steal signs. And

2:15

it's a skill.

2:17

If you don't put the right fucking TV star

2:19

up there and they can't figure out what it is,

2:21

I mean that's on you. I

2:24

love how they act like they were stealing signs, so then they're

2:26

acting like they knew exactly what the

2:28

opponent was doing every single play,

2:31

every single game. It's so fucking stupid. So

2:33

basically what happened is Michigan pissed

2:35

somebody off the way Donald

2:38

Trump pissed somebody off. That's

2:40

basically what it is. It's all fucking good until you

2:42

piss somebody off and then they hold you

2:44

to the air quote rules. So

2:47

old Donnie boy, the

2:49

fucking DA's

2:52

coming. The DOJ is coming.

2:55

Get fucking going after this guy because he falsified

2:57

the value, I guess, of his

3:00

assets to get favorable loans and insurance.

3:03

And it's not like he was off by a couple of

3:05

million. They are alleging at

3:07

one point he had a golf course with $27.5

3:10

million and he had it on his

3:14

loans or whatever, applying for a loan, being

3:17

worth upwards of $1.5 billion. You

3:22

do that according to them and

3:25

then you sign the piece of paper, you're

3:27

guilty of fraud. Okay, I'll go with that.

3:30

But what about the fucking banks? What about the insurance

3:32

companies? Aren't they supposed to

3:34

check that out? You

3:36

tell me I could go to a bank and have some shit

3:38

whole house and be like, yeah, it's worth a trillion dollars.

3:41

I'd like a fucking half a trillion dollar loan.

3:45

Okay. Does everything on this document true?

3:47

Yes, yes, it is. Okay. I'd

3:49

do diligence as a banker.

3:52

Yeah,

3:53

it's the greedy cunt bankers and the greedy

3:55

cunt insurance companies. They

3:58

knew what the fuck he was doing. like they all

4:00

do it and they went along with it because they believed

4:03

in him that he wasn't going to default on his fucking

4:05

loans. And that game is all

4:07

well and good until somebody defaults on the

4:09

loan. I don't know if that's what he did because

4:11

I remember him when he was running for office, he

4:13

was like, I took advantage of the bankruptcy

4:17

laws. Nobody's ever done it better. In

4:19

fact, I know more about the bankruptcy laws than anybody,

4:21

all that bullshit. And I remember his side,

4:23

they were so fucking stupid, they were cheering him on.

4:25

It's like, guys, that's our money. That's

4:28

our money. They defaulted on the fucking loans.

4:30

Do you think the bank's going to lose money? They don't.

4:33

They take it out of us. He was basically standing

4:35

there saying, I got a bunch of your money

4:38

and never paid it back. And you guys

4:40

paid the tab and people gave him like a

4:42

fucking standing ovation. So

4:44

then Hunter, little coke head over there, you

4:47

know, he took the White House a little

4:50

literal there. I

4:53

guess they're saying his dad, dad. How

4:57

much money you want to take from Syria? He

4:59

was getting bribes. Oh my God. What

5:01

a surprise. A political official getting bribes.

5:05

They're set up to be bribed. They're so fucking grossly

5:07

underpaid. That's how the corporations

5:10

ruined this country. They were

5:12

making a day. They were basically for

5:14

the level that they were at, they were getting paid like

5:16

an NFL cheerleader to have

5:19

all of us yell at him and tell him that they didn't know what the fuck

5:21

they were doing. They got sick of getting yelled at. So

5:23

they took the payoffs from the corporations. Oh, Billy

5:25

making it so simple. He

5:28

read a couple of articles. So Bill, tell us

5:30

how the world works. I'm gonna.

5:32

Oh, I'm gonna. So I guess old

5:34

Jojo there, if he can remember, was

5:37

taking payoffs from other countries probably to

5:40

give him aid or I don't know what the fuck so he could get a house

5:42

on Martha's Vineyard. Although

5:44

he's white. He's probably going to

5:46

Nantucket. And

5:49

then he ran through Hunter and he was

5:51

too coked up to realize he was getting fucking

5:53

used. Now he's sitting there holding the

5:55

bag. Now he's the Patsy. Is

5:58

that what's going on? Like,

6:01

I think all of that's the same. Michigan,

6:03

Donald Trump, and Hunter Biden, that's all

6:05

the same fucking stories. Well,

6:08

not really Michigan. Michigan, I think, is bullshit. And

6:11

I don't like Ohio State, but even if Ohio State

6:14

got busted for, like, stealing signs, I just

6:16

don't think stealing signs is

6:19

a—I just don't think,

6:22

you know, that's how you win a war.

6:25

It's a skill, and you've got to try to figure out what

6:27

they're doing. It's a riddle wrapped

6:29

up in an enigma with the fucking Steve

6:31

Urkel sign, right? If you can

6:33

figure that out, maybe you get an advantage

6:35

on one or two plays, but that's it. It

6:38

doesn't like—I mean, I guess

6:40

if you got the advantage on the very last play

6:42

and you were fucking, you know, up

6:44

by one or some shit, maybe that would be

6:46

it? I don't fucking know. Seems

6:49

like a whole bunch of nothing to me. But you know what? You

6:51

know what? I'm a simple man. You know

6:53

what I'm saying? I put my pants on one

6:56

freckled leg at a time, and I try not to be

6:58

involved, but I had a day off in New York,

7:02

and I'm an old man, so I still buy the paper. And

7:04

it's funny, I had to go to a couple of delis, like,

7:06

in New York. Like, they all sold the paper.

7:09

Now, the newspaper's going away,

7:11

you know? That's

7:14

bad. Those were, like, the more wholesome lies

7:16

that I grew up with used to be in the newspaper.

7:18

So I like reading those lies, because I can read

7:20

them in my voice, you

7:23

know, as opposed to watching the 24-hour

7:25

news networks where they just sensationalize

7:27

everything and, you know, scare

7:29

the shit out of you, blame the other side, and then offer

7:31

no solutions whatsoever. You

7:34

know, a lot of times they're not. I feel like they're getting paid

7:36

by the people that they're complaining

7:39

about, maybe to look the other way. I don't know.

7:42

I tie it all together. I tie it together. I

7:44

somehow, somehow, I'll blame this all on

7:47

Ohio State or Alabama

7:49

at some point.

7:50

Some point in this fucking podcast.

7:52

But last night, I

7:55

was in Norfolk, Virginia,

7:59

and I played this play Is the

8:01

most beautiful fucking arena one of the most

8:03

beautiful arenas in the country You

8:09

got to be kidding me is that somebody fucking I'm

8:11

okay. Thank you They

8:16

just won't leave you alone They just fucking won't

8:18

you know what's overrated a nice hotel And

8:21

you know what else is overrated going out to a nice restaurant

8:23

because the entire time they won't fucking leave you alone You

8:25

go to a nice restaurant every time you start to have a fucking

8:28

conversation Somebody comes over with

8:30

the water and you gotta be like I know I'm good or oh hey.

8:32

Thanks a lot So

8:34

everybody

8:34

doing good. Do you want more bread?

8:38

So anybody can I get you anything can I can I can

8:40

I do something yes? You can fuck off we

8:43

ordered food bring the food and then

8:45

leave And then when the plates

8:47

are empty come back and then you give us a check and we give

8:49

you a fucking tip And then we get the fuck out of here What

8:52

am I a child you gonna cut up my fucking steak for

8:54

me fucking beat it?

8:57

You know fucking nice hotel right?

9:00

You don't wanna go but you don't go beyond a Marriott Marriott fucking

9:02

leaves you alone. He's checking. It's a nice fucking

9:04

place, right? You go anything

9:06

nicer than a Marriott they're coming in they're bringing like hey,

9:08

can't I turn you want turn down service? I

9:11

I don't I don't know what that is you're gonna tuck me in

9:14

fucking seven o'clock at night Little

9:16

Billy big problems here Sorry,

9:24

I'm just more frustrated. I'm trying to do

9:26

a fucking podcast every

9:28

five seconds It's just you know you just hear like I mean

9:31

I can't get to a wall here You

9:35

want some more celery Why

9:38

would they give you celery you know why cuz it's cheap

9:40

and they can give you a lot of it I'm gonna make it seem

9:42

like they're doing something Anyway,

9:46

I played this I think it's called a scope arena

9:48

is

9:49

that what it's called

9:50

Yeah, the scope arena, and

9:53

I was just blown away by the beauty

9:55

of this thing SC OPE look

9:57

it up You have to go see a concert

10:00

there, you got to go see some hockey

10:02

or some basketball there. It's 50

10:05

years old. They broke ground

10:07

in 1968 and when they built they

10:09

built it their first tenant I believe was

10:12

the Virginia Squires,

10:16

an ABA team who the one and only

10:18

Dr. J played on before

10:22

he went to the New York Nets, before

10:24

he went to the NBA with the Philadelphia

10:26

76ers. And we were

10:28

there last night and it was the best

10:30

sounding arena I've

10:33

been in and just the

10:35

look of it and everything it was like

10:38

it felt old school and it felt modern.

10:41

It's absolutely gorgeous and I

10:44

don't ever hear of anybody going out of

10:46

their way. People go out of their way to go to Madison

10:48

Square Garden or like I don't know

10:51

the forum in LA but there's some hidden

10:54

gems. I would say the most

10:56

underrated arena to go see fucking

10:58

anything would be the scope arena.

11:00

The people there were so nice. I had

11:04

an amazing show, just one of those shows I went

11:06

up there, I immediately clicked with the crowd and

11:09

they went with everything and yeah

11:12

I texted my agent the next morning going

11:14

that that has to be a regular stop

11:18

you know provided I can sell that many tickets when

11:20

I get old like fucking really old like

11:23

Billy Joel. How about Billy Joel still

11:25

playing the so-fi fucking arena? That's

11:29

unbelievable just going out there

11:31

just him and a piano like four

11:33

other guys

11:35

selling out the whole fucking thing and the football

11:37

field.

11:38

Guy

11:41

is a beast. Anyway tonight

11:44

I am in Atlanta which

11:47

some of my most favorite

11:49

stand-up comedy weekends,

11:52

gigs, venues ever.

11:54

There was the original punchline

11:57

that was one of my favorite comedy clubs

11:59

in the country.

13:59

to Iceland, I found out that there's an app over

14:02

there that

14:05

people in Iceland have that when you meet some

14:07

chick in a bar or a dude, whatever you're fucking

14:09

into, you have to – well, I guess a dude

14:11

wouldn't matter because if you're gay, you're not going to breed

14:13

with them. And it's like open season,

14:16

I guess. But

14:20

if you're going to have that heterosexual sex

14:22

like Jesus approved of when he got that

14:24

hooker, there's an app

14:27

over there. It doesn't say that

14:29

you put your names in. I

14:32

guess when you decide you're going to go forward and maybe

14:35

fuck you, put your names in it. There's

14:38

no way they do this every time. This

14:41

is like fucking with out of condiment Iceland. You don't

14:43

use the fucking app. It doesn't check

14:46

to see if you're related. It's how you're related

14:48

because it goes back to

14:50

two fucking people like

14:53

some Adam and Eve shit, but it was a couple of Vikings.

14:55

I don't know what they were, right? I've only

14:57

spent collectively four and a half days there. So

14:59

let me explain this country to you. Such

15:02

an idiot. So anyway, yeah, that's what you

15:04

do when then you decide. So

15:06

I guess what they really do is not until they get into

15:09

a relationship. It's probably after

15:11

they've banged. It's like, all right, let's see. Let's

15:15

see. Let's

15:18

see if we can go to holy matrimony

15:20

or if we just did something unholy. Anyway,

15:26

the fuck am I talking about? Oh, yeah. So

15:28

the punch line, they knocked that

15:31

down. So now they have the second

15:33

punch line, but the original one is the one that I worked

15:37

that I have all my memories and I still like the new

15:39

one, but the old one, you know, it's like the old, it's like

15:41

the stadium you grew up in, right? I

15:43

like the fleet center, but I'll always be partial

15:45

to the Boston garden. And then

15:48

after that place, I played the tabernacle

15:53

in Atlanta. There's another place. All

15:55

right. All of these fucking people telling you, you got to

15:57

go to these places with palm trees and shit. So

16:00

many of these cities that nobody brings up have

16:02

these amazing venues that you can go see

16:04

your favorite comedian your favorite band Whatever

16:07

the fuck it is your tractor pull whatever

16:09

the fuck you're into the tabernacle

16:11

He wouldn't have a tractor pull there unless they had golf carts.

16:13

It's not big enough, but magical

16:18

Magical fucking place where you go

16:20

see a band that plays live

16:22

and And At

16:25

least I would anyway everybody has playing

16:27

their instruments and his

16:29

prince said in that clip, you know, my mic

16:31

is on

16:33

Would

16:37

go check that place out

16:40

This is like my own travel show here. There's

16:42

two fucking places You

16:45

know, we had some friends come out and they said the last

16:47

time I was here One of them said the last time I

16:49

came here because

16:50

it was a bit of a drive for him he

16:52

said he saw Metallica at the scope

16:55

arena on the end justice

16:57

for all tour a fucking sick as

16:59

that and

17:02

I'd even have to ask the guy I was like that's automatically

17:05

that band that era that

17:07

arena had to have been

17:10

Top five fucking concerts you ever went to

17:12

had to be So

17:16

anyway The

17:18

scuttlebutt on the internet all this crap about

17:20

Bill Belichick so they get rid of him I'm

17:23

sure the whole league is salivating hoping

17:26

our local news media and Armchair

17:30

quarterbacks Like

17:32

I know I know we okay. We had the worst record

17:35

in The AFC

17:37

so what we still have Bill Belichick as a coach I

17:40

think the guy has earned the right to try

17:42

to dig out of a hole. What is every draft

17:44

pick supposed to work out? I mean we had an unbelievable

17:46

run. I'm still basking in the

17:49

glow of going to nine Super Bowls and winning

17:51

six The fuck

17:53

am I you know? Well,

17:56

what do I give it I can

17:58

handle two and seven What's

18:01

he not going to turn it around? I don't know. Look,

18:04

I mean, what about the fucking Buffalo Bills?

18:07

They've never won anything. They were supposed to

18:09

be finally figuring shit out to go beat the

18:11

Kansas City Chiefs. What do

18:13

they think? They only got like three more wins than we

18:15

do. So what's the big fucking deal? I

18:20

always feel like those sports writers, that's just what

18:22

they, they just end up doing that, you

18:25

know, because they don't know what

18:28

else to write about. So

18:30

they get lazy

18:31

and they just try to stir people up. And I guess

18:33

they know that they say something sacrilegious,

18:36

like, is it time to give Bill Belichick his walking

18:38

papers? Everyone's going to get all up in

18:40

a fucking frenzy. I

18:44

don't know. That would be, if

18:47

they fired him after everything

18:49

that he's done, I, like I said last

18:52

week, that would be right up there with

18:54

Charles Oakley getting thrown out of Madison

18:57

Square Garden, which in recent

18:59

times, you know, a

19:01

lot of franchises have done stupid

19:03

shit

19:05

with former players that

19:08

did amazing things, but to literally throw

19:10

the guy out like he was some drunk, um,

19:16

I don't know. That's, that's one, I

19:19

felt bad for, for all Nick fans

19:21

when that happened, because I know they were all going,

19:23

every Nick fan I knew was just like, dude,

19:25

what the fuck? Like what, why

19:28

the hell, you know,

19:30

haven't we been through enough? You got to add that

19:32

to the fucking championship

19:35

drought here over here. Speaking

19:38

of that, um,

19:40

with the sports, I've been out on the road, so I haven't

19:42

had time to watch these Bruins games, but

19:45

I guess we want to get, we finally had our first loss.

19:48

I want to say it was against the Red Wings, but we're something

19:50

like nine one in one or 10 one

19:52

in one,

19:54

which is incredible because we lost Patrice

19:56

Bergeron and

19:58

David Craygee and this was You know, we

20:00

signed Van Rimesdyk and stuff like that and I had a

20:02

lot of buddies of mine going like, eh I

20:04

think that you know, the only sign for Van Rimesdyk

20:06

for one year and This is

20:08

just so we can be competitive and they can still sell

20:11

tickets and here they are with like the best record

20:13

in hockey As far as I know

20:15

so so far so good So

20:19

far so good. No Billy Freckles

20:22

Still hitting the treadmill I kind of fucking

20:25

Like I don't know leveled out

20:27

here. I got to do a more more of

20:29

a push I got to eat better

20:31

man. I got to lay off the I've like laid off fucking

20:34

everything and it's still fucking hard as hell

20:37

You know 55 Jesus

20:39

Christ to race between what's lower

20:41

at this point my brain and my fucking metabolism

20:45

but I

20:47

Got this playlist any AC

20:49

DC fans out there, huh? I

20:52

got a Brian Johnson playlist for you It's

20:54

all deep cut shit, you know, cuz they always play the

20:56

same fucking Five

20:58

Brian Johnson songs I feel so this

21:00

is my playlist 31 minutes

21:03

eight songs. All right First

21:06

one, let me put my love into you, babe

21:09

AC DC back in black, you

21:11

know start slow just like me

21:14

on the elliptical I did my

21:16

little soccer mom stretches, you

21:18

know what I mean? I Got

21:20

my little drink. I Got

21:23

on my fucking pink leg warmers,

21:26

you know, I'm easing in

21:28

then

21:29

You go to one of the great fucking gold

21:31

digger songs ever What

21:34

do you do for money, honey? Also

21:36

off the back and black album and

21:39

then the Bond Scott tribute song have

21:41

a drink on me Off

21:44

the back and black album. That's that's the first

21:46

three. So see we're ramping it up All

21:49

right. I start with Lee ease it in Ease

21:52

it in with let me put my love into you, babe, then

21:55

they scream at the broads And

21:58

now we're at the bar having a drink So

22:00

what can come next? Huh?

22:03

It's ACDC. You know the devil's coming, right?

22:06

COD. Second

22:09

track, second side, back in the day

22:11

when you had the vinyl or the cassette tape. Cara

22:15

the devil. Then we

22:17

keep going with the devil. I got Evil

22:19

Walks, which is the first track. Second side,

22:22

ACDC for those about to rock. And

22:25

then I round out that album with

22:27

Spellbound, which

22:29

is a very, a very

22:31

atypical subject matter for ACDC.

22:35

It's actually about a guy

22:37

down in the dumps and he's depressed. And

22:40

it's a killer song, but I feel like collectively

22:42

as a group they're like, that's not what we do. We

22:44

don't talk about being down. You

22:47

know? I don't think there'll ever

22:49

be rock and roll music that's just supposed

22:51

to bring you down. Do you guys think so? Eight

22:53

years later, grunge. You

22:55

know? I wish

22:58

I was like you. Easily

23:02

amused. Okay,

23:04

so wait, let me get this straight, Kurt. I'm supposed to feel bad

23:06

for you as you're shitting on me.

23:13

I love Kurt Cobain. I

23:15

love Nirvana, but I can never quite give it up to the grunge

23:17

bands because they knocked all my bands off the fucking

23:19

chart. I'm still being a baby. Still being a baby

23:22

all these years later. All right, then we wrap it

23:24

up with the last two.

23:26

Off the flick of the switch album. This

23:28

house is on fire. And

23:31

then the title track, flick of

23:33

the switch. Which

23:37

used to always fuck me up when I would try to play

23:39

drums along to that. It

23:41

was like, da, da, da, da,

23:43

da, da, da, da, da, da, da,

23:46

da, one, two, three,

23:48

four, one, two, three, four,

23:50

boom. And I always would want

23:52

to hit on the four, but he fucking hits on the one.

23:55

He does a flam on the one and then on the four and

23:57

then fucking in the amount of times. I

24:00

fucked that up and I would slam on the floor

24:03

and then they'd hit on the one and I'd go FUCK!

24:06

FOUR! BAM! And then I would

24:08

go into the song. Um, someone actually

24:10

took some video of me playing drums the other day and,

24:13

uh, for the first time I only looked like

24:15

half a jerk off. I

24:17

still hit like a fucking bitch, man.

24:20

I always think I'm up there fucking wailing

24:23

and I'm not. I'm just up there like, hey, help

24:25

him get it, right? Like, in

24:26

my head,

24:27

I'm like Jesus Christ. These people

24:30

I'm jamming with, they're thinking like, why

24:32

did this guy pick comedy? How

24:34

come he didn't pick music as a profession? And

24:36

then I always start to watch myself and I'm like, ugh.

24:40

I've just never had the courage to film myself on

24:42

a consistent basis and that's kind of like what

24:44

you have to do to stop

24:46

looking like a douche, I think. Or

24:48

maybe, you know, I could just own up to the

24:51

fact that I wasn't born with that talent, you

24:53

know? And I'll just be forever that guy going

24:55

into a music store going, I want to

24:57

buy this snare drum that that guy plays

24:59

on that album because I feel like if I play

25:02

the same stuff he plays, that means I'll be as good

25:04

as he is. Which

25:06

is hilarious because we all wear Jordan 1s, you

25:08

know? What is the percentage of

25:11

people that wear Jordan 1s but can't

25:13

dunk? It

25:19

has to be in the high 90s. It

25:22

just has to be. Unless

25:26

you count like a nerf hoop or that backyard

25:28

one that you lowered to like eight, you

25:30

know, eight and a half feet. Nine feet was actually

25:34

for a fucking pasty white

25:37

guy. If you could fucking throw it down in a nine

25:39

foot rim, that wasn't bad. Yeah.

25:44

I grew up in a white town so I was like, dude, he can dunk

25:46

a tennis ball. That's about as

25:48

far as it went. I think one kid

25:50

dunked a volleyball. It

25:52

was more of a football hockey town but those

25:55

are also two great sports. Wouldn't

25:57

you say? Hey, you know what? I don't have any advertising

25:59

this week. So I just got to go

26:01

straight through here. No ad reads. You

26:05

know, it's a tough time coming up to the holidays.

26:08

I started shopping, you

26:10

know, for the kids.

26:12

I wanted to get my kid,

26:16

my son, I wanted to get him that 100 year

26:20

Bruins away

26:22

jersey, the white one, because it

26:24

looks like the home jersey that the Bruins

26:26

wore in the 80s. That's the one that I, that's

26:28

my favorite one is

26:31

the all white one that had, it was white on

26:33

the shoulders. It didn't have that yellow up there.

26:36

The one that Pete Peters wore, Rick Middleton

26:38

and all of those guys. Charlie

26:42

Simmer, Barry

26:44

Peterson.

26:46

Unreal.

26:48

I can't remember the name of the venue I was in

26:50

last night, but I can name like the fucking first

26:52

line of the Bruins in like 1980. Well,

26:54

no, maybe I can't. Well, Barry Peterson

26:57

was there. It

27:00

was Barry Peterson, Peter McNabb.

27:03

Peter McNabb, the last guy to wear number eight

27:06

before Cam Neely came in. And that was when

27:08

Ray Bork was still wearing number seven because

27:11

we had a big beef with Phil Esposito. And

27:13

then they finally put that to bed, which

27:15

by the way, is there anything better than listening to Phil

27:18

Esposito on the radio, calling

27:20

a Tampa Bay Lightning game? It's like, it's

27:22

not even like he's in a booth. It's like you're at the

27:25

game with him and he's sitting in the stands eating

27:27

fucking peanuts and having a couple of beers. It's

27:29

fucking incredible. Very,

27:32

very underrated.

27:35

Announcer, man. I just,

27:37

you know, I have the center rice package, but

27:39

it's not the radio, but he used to be

27:42

on TV too. And that was my favorite, but

27:45

I think he just does the radio now. Maybe does like

27:47

select games. I don't know. He's got

27:49

to be close to 80.

27:52

But I would love to see

27:55

if you guys know how to get that feed,

27:58

you know, that's one of the things you get to enjoy hockey. and

28:00

you're laughing your ass off at the same time. That's

28:02

like the greatest thing ever. And

28:05

I miss those guys. I miss those fucking homers.

28:07

Johnny Moast

28:09

for the Celtics, Fred Cusick for the Bruins.

28:12

I mean, we could literally do no wrong.

28:15

It was hilarious. What sucks now is

28:17

everybody can hear him. So then they

28:19

just sit there. This guy's such a fucking homer.

28:22

It's like he's supposed to be. He's

28:24

not announcing the game for you. Go listen

28:26

to the fucking, your team's feed.

28:31

You telling me they're not biased? You want them to be

28:33

biased.

28:35

Especially when you're losing,

28:37

they start going, ah, this is fucking bullshit.

28:40

They don't say that, but you know.

28:44

You know, it's nice to hear that they give a shit before

28:47

they just, oh, they always do like the, I

28:50

don't know what, the straight ahead color

28:52

commentating. By the way, shout out

28:54

to Joe Buck. That guy's having like some of the best

28:56

games he's called. Since

29:00

I've been watching him and Troy Aikman, man.

29:03

I am, and I am a broadcaster snob.

29:06

You know, cause I grew up with so many great ones.

29:08

So,

29:10

and what always happens is that because, you know,

29:12

there's like a transition,

29:14

like

29:16

so many of the guys that I grew up with, you know,

29:18

retired times two, you

29:20

know,

29:22

and every once in a while I'll like watch

29:25

an old football clip and I'll hear John

29:27

Madden and Pat Summerall.

29:30

And I just think like, I can't believe like,

29:32

I just, I never took it for granted, but

29:35

like, that I got to listen to those

29:37

guys.

29:38

I think John Madden came on with Pat Summerall,

29:41

somewhere around like 1980.

29:43

And I got to listen to them for almost like, you know,

29:46

20 years, 15, 20 years together. All

29:49

those Al Michaels ones. I

29:52

caught the end of Kurt Gowdy.

29:57

You know who else I liked, who I really liked when I was

29:59

growing up.

29:59

We always seem to get the Browns game. Remember Don Crickie?

30:02

He was another guy that was amazing. Anyway,

30:07

that's the podcast here. I gotta go do

30:09

a show. I wanna thank everybody

30:11

that came out in Norfolk, Virginia.

30:13

You guys were one of the best crowds that I've

30:16

ever had. It was just an incredible show.

30:21

Incredible crowd. I'm talking about myself.

30:23

Incredible crowd. You guys were an incredible group of people

30:25

to perform to. It was fantastic. I'll

30:28

write some more shit and I'll come back.

30:32

I would go out of my way to go see a show

30:34

there. I'm gonna get on their mailing list, the

30:37

Scope Arena. Alright, that's it. Have

30:39

a great weekend, you cons. Enjoy

30:41

the bonus episode of a

30:44

Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday

30:46

morning podcast. I'm fucking getting

30:48

geared up here from Madison Square Garden. Beyond

30:51

psyched that I'm getting to play this

30:53

place again. I always think anytime I play it, this

30:55

could be the last time and

30:58

I am going to fucking go off. So

31:02

I hope you're gonna be there. If not, no worries

31:04

because eventually I'll be in your town. Alright, I'll

31:06

see you. Hey, what's going on? It's

31:12

Wilbur and it's time for the Monday

31:14

Morning Podcast from Monday, November 9th, 2015. What's

31:19

going on? How are ya? How's

31:21

it going? Easing into

31:23

Thanksgiving. I

31:26

apologize for the podcast being

31:28

so late and the peas popping on the microphone.

31:30

Turn that down there.

31:34

I just been traveling like a maniac, man. I

31:36

been everywhere, man. I did Philly

31:39

and then I did Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

31:42

and then I went to Daytona, Florida and oh

31:46

what a time I had. What

31:48

a fucking time for old freckles. It's good

31:50

to be freckles these days. His

31:53

fucking year is winding

31:55

down. I always wonder what my neighbors

31:57

think when I fucking come back to New York. Like

32:01

where's that loud cunt been in a fucking coma?

32:03

Haven't heard his stupid podcast forever.

32:07

We fucking Roach infested. Goddamn

32:09

apartment back here. Came walking in like this

32:11

just fucking,

32:13

you

32:14

know, I have the guy come in and spray

32:16

it, but I don't know. They still

32:18

get in here, you know? They're

32:20

just fucking dead everywhere. But

32:23

they're so fucking old from being dead, right?

32:25

You gotta pick them up in like the antenna stays on

32:28

the floor. It's

32:31

fucking gross. So

32:35

anyways, what was

32:37

they talking about?

32:40

I don't even remember. Whatever.

32:44

Yeah, I just spent, I've been all over the place. So I

32:46

want to thank everybody that came out to my shows this weekend

32:49

in Philadelphia, in Bethlehem

32:51

and in Daytona. I had a fucking awesome time. In

32:54

each show with special

32:56

in its own little way, the

32:59

first fucking night was

33:01

the Philly show, right? So I

33:03

go to Philly

33:05

and contrary to one fucking

33:07

YouTube video,

33:08

everybody thinks I hate Philly. I

33:11

don't. I was actually, this is

33:13

some shit I've never even told you guys. I

33:15

was actually a Flyers fan growing

33:18

up because when I first started watching

33:20

hockey, I loved the

33:22

fact that you could fight. And that's

33:24

what the Flyers did. So I loved

33:26

them. I was too

33:30

young to remember them beating us in

33:32

the Stanley Cup final in the 70s. So

33:34

I didn't have any bad will against the guys. I just

33:36

knew that they beat the fuck out of people. And

33:38

who doesn't want to watch that? I eased

33:41

my way into violence. Started

33:43

off by getting my ass kicked by my older brother.

33:46

Then I started watching wrestling and then

33:48

I moved on to hockey, right? Years

33:50

later, I'm watching the UFC. It just keeps

33:52

progressively getting more fun.

33:54

I watch those knockout videos. I

33:57

watch people getting slapped,

33:59

you know?

34:01

There has

34:03

to be a fucking word for

34:05

the level of excited the

34:07

person holding the cell phone camera

34:11

has when they start screaming world star. It

34:14

literally sounds like they're on fire. They're

34:17

so fucking excited that they filmed a

34:19

knockout and that they're going to get it on

34:21

the fucking website. Like they're almost like

34:23

peeing themselves. I do an impression

34:25

of it, but I have a show I have to do in about eight days

34:27

and it would shred my fucking voice. I'll

34:29

try to find out. I was going to lie to you

34:32

and say I was going to try and find the clip. I have no idea where

34:34

the clip where the clip is. But

34:37

so anyway, so I went got into Philly

34:40

on Thursday night, had the big

34:42

shoe, really big shoe there on Friday. So

34:45

I was like, all right, let me go out and get a cheesesteak.

34:47

And it was really late. And

34:50

I didn't have a car. And I just said, fuck it. I said

34:52

to the guys downstairs, like, all right, where

34:54

where's the closest place to get a good one? And

34:57

they kind of made a face. Yeah. I go

34:59

down the corner. So I went to this place, Cavanaugh's, the

35:02

sports bar. One of the coolest thing

35:04

I saw, they had the night that the fucking

35:07

Phillies 1980 World Series

35:11

banner in there, which was cool. And I

35:13

went in, I got it with the tater tots. And I got to

35:15

tell you, it was pretty fucking tasty, pretty

35:17

goddamn tasty. Straight across the board, I

35:19

give the fucking cheesesteak

35:22

at at Cavanaugh's the fucking

35:24

thumbs up.

35:26

Right. So

35:28

then the next day, right, we got the show. So

35:31

I'm walking around. I'm doing what I always do when

35:33

I go to Philly, right. Fucking

35:36

checking out the downtown area. And I always end up

35:38

over at Mitchell and Ness just to see what the fuck

35:40

they have. And

35:44

I bought my Godson something. And

35:48

what else could I do? I just walked around. I fuck, you know,

35:50

I enjoy the goddamn city. I don't do the touristy

35:52

shit. You know, I meant to check

35:54

out the Joe Frazier fucking statue,

35:58

but I didn't have time.

36:00

Um,

36:01

so anyways, so we got to go do

36:04

the fucking show, right? It's at the Wells Fargo

36:06

Arena, speaking of the flyers and the fucking

36:08

76ers and all that shit. So

36:11

me, Verzi and Joe Mattarese are

36:13

on the show. Mattarese is from Philly.

36:16

So we're driving over there. I'm using

36:18

the fucking, you know, I

36:21

finally changed in the phone. I changed it to a guy's

36:24

voice. So at least it's a guy telling me what to do. Suppose

36:26

that fucking broad nagging me the whole

36:29

way, right? Causing my balls to pull

36:31

up into me, right? So I fucking,

36:33

um, we're driving over

36:35

there and of course we somehow we get lost

36:38

trying to find a fucking arena and

36:41

I literally see it says parking for events,

36:43

but the fucking computer cunt didn't tell me to

36:45

turn or my thumb grazed against

36:47

something and just shut the fucking thing off. So I went

36:49

right by it. And when you miss the Wells

36:51

Fargo center headed south, you

36:54

end up in the fucking swamp. So

36:57

it ended up being like a half hour mistake because

36:59

it was like 15 minutes to get all the way over the fucking thing.

37:01

And then we didn't know how to get in there. We went into the wrong fucking

37:04

gate. So we pull in the charging

37:06

us for parking. I'm going, no, we're

37:08

the guys doing the show. I'm Bill Burr.

37:11

That's Joe Mattarese. That's Paul Verzi. So

37:13

the lady's like, hang on a second. She's

37:15

like, yeah, he said he's Paul Burr. So

37:21

we're laughing our asses off going, I swear to God,

37:23

we're them. And they go, well, tell

37:26

us a joke. And

37:28

I'm saying, I don't have any fucking jokes that well, the

37:30

three comedians, we can't find a fucking arena. Is that

37:32

funny enough? And they go, all right, go down there to gate

37:35

E and we just keep running

37:37

into security guards and we just keep going.

37:39

Yeah, we're the guys from the show and

37:42

they would just go, oh, all right, go down that

37:44

way. So then we just started laughing going, dude, I'm

37:46

going to pull up to arena and be like, yeah, I'm Willie

37:48

Nelson. Yeah, man, I

37:51

I'm a little late. Where do I go? I

37:53

obviously I couldn't get away with Willie Nelson. He's too famous,

37:55

but I'm telling you

37:56

this is how it works.

37:59

Okay. You need somebody

38:01

black and somebody white in your car and I guarantee

38:03

you you could sneak into any fucking arena when there's

38:05

a concert Alright, this is all you

38:08

got to do Alright have a black and a white person

38:10

in there just in case you get into the

38:12

wrong line Then what you do is you try

38:14

to peek ahead to see what color

38:16

the person is in the parking booth If

38:19

they're white you have the black guy

38:21

talk, right?

38:23

the black guy says I'm fucking

38:26

Oh Wait, what

38:28

we got to start with the artist first

38:30

Alright,

38:31

so say you what are the kids listening to these

38:33

days, huh? ASAP

38:35

Rocky right say he's got a fucking

38:37

show What you got to do is

38:39

you gotta be a black friend or you got to get a black

38:42

friend or just hire a black Guy you

38:44

have him say you pull up to

38:46

the wrong fucking gate the regular person gate

38:49

You make sure you get in line with the fucking

38:51

white person

38:52

Right

38:53

in the booth and you all you give black guys

38:55

gotta say is yeah, I'm him

38:57

and I'm late man Where do I go? Where do I

38:59

go? And I'm telling

39:01

you that guy will fucking wave you with Least

39:04

you won't have to pay for parking. I don't know if it fucking

39:06

works and if it's a fucking country show Your

39:09

black friends not going so who gives a shit?

39:11

You only need white people anyways, whatever. I'm

39:14

convinced Oh fuck me. Hang on a

39:16

second. Hang on. Hang on All

39:19

right, I'm back. Yeah, see a black friend's not

39:21

gonna want to go to the country showing all I'm saying is if you

39:23

just if You fucking pull up Now

39:27

wait a minute, they probably know it all day. This is me being

39:29

an egomaniac This is what this is. They

39:31

didn't know why I am so then they're not gonna know

39:33

who know who fucking Travis Tritt is What

39:36

an arrogant freckled cunt. I

39:38

apologize I apologize not only for this

39:40

thing being late but having my ego

39:43

go off the fucking rails that soon in

39:45

this podcast

39:46

right It's

39:48

fucking unbelievable. It usually

39:50

takes me at least 15 minutes in

39:53

Before the ego starts coming out. Oh it

39:55

reared its fucking redhead early, didn't it?

40:00

So anyways, we were fucking driving around that parking

40:02

lot for like 20 minutes. And I'm

40:04

talking to the guy in the fucking arena and

40:06

he's going, you know, where are

40:08

you? I'm like, I'm in the

40:10

fucking parking lot. It's we're

40:13

E and he goes, all right, did you

40:15

go into the tunnel? And

40:18

I'm like, no, I went over a bridge. Well,

40:21

bring it around a fucking thing. It took us like for

40:23

fucking ever. And then we got in there and,

40:26

um, we got to go into the,

40:29

obviously go into the venue, before the crowd got in there,

40:31

got to see the, you know, they got the boards,

40:33

you know, and the fucking, you know,

40:36

for the flies play and all that shit. I saw the

40:39

76ers 83 championship banner, the team that

40:41

I would put up against the 96 Bulls. And

40:44

I say it goes seven games, you

40:46

know, um, oh,

40:49

me and Verzi got into it that night. Holy shit.

40:51

Arguing sports. Good Lord. He's

40:54

like, dude, they're fucking 72 and 10. You

40:58

know, he's one of those 1990s

41:00

babies, like nothing happened in

41:02

sports prior to 1990. Nobody

41:06

knew they had Pippin and they had Jordan

41:08

like that fucking shit. It's like, all right, well they had

41:11

Dr. Jake and Moses Malone,

41:14

you know, and Mo cheeks, fucking

41:17

Andrew Tony and Ivaroni, right? That

41:21

fucking skinny white dude coming off the goddamn

41:23

bench. He was like the defensive player of the year. But

41:25

Moses Malone underneath

41:28

against Luke Longley, Luke Longley is going to fucking

41:30

foul. He didn't even foul trouble every fucking

41:32

game. All right. I'm

41:35

not saying that the sixers definitely

41:37

would have fucking won, but you just say that

41:39

there's a foregone conclusion that

41:42

the fucking 96 Bulls are the greatest

41:44

fucking team ever. They had, there was no

41:47

Celtics Lakers thing going on with the fucking,

41:49

it was a very uneven time. You

41:52

know, and people always because Jordan was so good. I'll

41:54

give you a little bit of that. All

41:56

right.

41:57

But dude, when the fucking Celtics.

41:59

6 Lakers and Sixers were all

42:02

good in the fucking

42:04

80s and then the Pistons came along. I

42:06

mean, dude, you had to fucking commit mass

42:08

murder just to get to the finals. People

42:12

throwing clothesline, Kurt Rambas's

42:14

glasses flying across the fucking court.

42:17

It was a man's fucking game. I'm being

42:19

that old guy. No, I know it wasn't in the 90s too, but

42:21

I'm just saying.

42:23

There wasn't any Kareem's.

42:25

There wasn't like, you know, the

42:28

Celtics and Lakers were fucking littered

42:30

with Hall of Famers on both sides. You

42:34

know,

42:35

I don't know.

42:36

What am I fucking Bill Simmons? I don't know shit about

42:38

fucking hoop. I'm just saying.

42:41

I just hate everybody. Oh, yeah, you do this and he

42:43

do that. And Moses and Dr.

42:46

J would just stand around watching him going, gee,

42:48

holy, holy mackerel.

42:51

Golly, gee, are these guys good. We

42:55

get into that argument all the time and he also gets

42:57

in the argument that Mayweather is the greatest fucking

42:59

middleweight of all time. I'm like, Paul,

43:04

the problem is Marvin Hagler, Sugar Ray

43:06

Leonard, Tommy hit band Hearns and

43:09

Roberta Duran all fought at the same fucking

43:11

time. So they took losses. You

43:14

know what I mean? I'm not saying that he would lose

43:17

to all of those guys, but he'd lose to at least one

43:19

of them. Wouldn't he? Oh,

43:22

I sound like an old man in a barbershop. I'll

43:25

tell you back in 1972. Fucking

43:29

voices junk dude junk

43:31

doing all these fucking shows. And I

43:34

got to be honest with you, man. I am. I'm fucking

43:36

I'm done with cigars, man. I smoked

43:38

my last one in Philly and I didn't even want to smoke it.

43:40

I just did it because we were

43:42

with a bunch of people and they, you know, they wanted

43:44

to head over there, but I didn't even tell you about

43:47

the show. So Verzi

43:49

goes up to open it. Fucking

43:52

crushes and which

43:54

made me feel really good. You know, obviously, because the

43:56

last time I did a really big show out there.

44:00

You know, things were a little more aggressive, so

44:02

to speak. And I had a lot of people, interviewers

44:05

asking me about it because I wasn't even thinking about it because

44:07

I've been back to Philly like six fucking times

44:09

and I never had a problem. But they just kept, well,

44:11

this is a big show. So they didn't do this one. Huh?

44:15

Do you think they're going to treat you like an asshole? As

44:18

they say in Philly, asshole. And

44:21

then Joe Matt Aris went up, by the way, who I

44:24

hadn't seen, you know, he was a guy I started out with

44:26

when I first came to New York. He moved to New York right around the

44:28

time that I did came up from Philly and I came down from

44:30

Boston and, you

44:33

know, he's even funnier than I remembered. He absolutely fucking

44:35

destroyed, did it dead on. Was

44:39

it Harry Callis saying his name

44:41

right? Sounded

44:44

exactly like him. Now Philly people know him as

44:46

the voice of the Phillies. I knew him from NFL

44:48

films, taking over for the voice of God. And

44:51

he absolutely murdered. And I

44:53

highly recommend you check that guy out

44:56

if you get a chance and you can follow him on Twitter at

44:59

the Joe Matt Aris, M A

45:01

T A R E S E, the

45:04

Joe Matt Aris. I believe

45:06

he's got a special or something like that coming out.

45:09

He was fucking hilarious. And then when

45:11

we were driving away, he was doing a dead

45:13

on Tony Soprano, fucking

45:16

dead on. It

45:19

was unreal. So we

45:22

had a great time and then we ended up going out

45:24

and we smoked some cigars. I

45:26

was a good boy. I had one glass of bourbon.

45:29

That was it. I smoked the cigar

45:31

and me and Verzie's boy at each other's throats,

45:35

fucking arguing sports. And

45:38

and then we left, we got cheesesteak number

45:40

two, number two,

45:43

two. And

45:46

where do we go? We went to something like Mike's

45:48

princess steaks or something like that. I

45:51

can't even remember. I don't remember the name of it,

45:53

but that one I thought the bread was good.

45:56

I thought everything was good, but the steak, I

45:58

thought the steak wasn't as high as a

45:59

quality as

46:02

what I had at Cavanaugh's and I'm not even talking

46:04

about was it pats and genos I

46:06

got bended those fucking things I'm trying to go to

46:08

the satellite ones I didn't even get

46:11

to the ones that roast beef one was closed

46:13

by seven so I never made it to that one

46:16

but I still

46:18

had a good time but Jesus Christ what a fucking

46:20

shit show if you want to

46:22

see a shit show get a fucking cheesesteak at

46:24

two in the morning in Philadelphia on a Friday

46:26

night

46:28

good lord

46:29

people just sway in in the fucking

46:32

breeze right and

46:34

then the people I walked in with they were fucking hammered

46:36

to I wasn't I'm fucking

46:38

sober right go walking in matter

46:40

East goes like like way too

46:43

loud like drug voice it goes he

46:45

goes yeah every fucking loser

46:47

in Philly out here to get a cheesesteak and I

46:50

was like Joe Joe shut the fuck up shut the

46:52

fuck up you know he

46:55

goes he goes Jesus

46:58

Christ he

47:00

goes

47:03

look at the haircut on that fucking animal over there

47:05

way too loud

47:07

way too fucking loud I'm going Paul Paul

47:09

shut the fuck up shut the fuck so I was that

47:11

guy I was basically the not even

47:14

designated driver like a designated walker

47:16

and everybody in there I swear

47:18

to God was swaying they were

47:20

so drunk like 90% of the people in there

47:22

was swaying I felt like I was on a fucking

47:25

ship and I was some salty dog

47:27

who had his sea legs and everybody else was just sort

47:29

of fucking floating around so

47:31

anyways we get the cheesesteaks I fuck up

47:33

the order the guy's all impatient

47:36

with me and I was gonna be oh you're

47:37

doing that Philly thing well you get all fucking

47:39

impatient cuz I don't know how to go yeah give me two

47:41

wit give me a whiz wit no whiz not

47:44

you know so so

47:46

I got that little experience and then

47:49

as we were eating we were finishing

47:51

up right at the the exact right

47:53

time like the the

47:55

white dude

47:57

with all black friends came

47:59

walking it in and he was trying to you know

48:02

I don't know what he was trying to do he was unbelievably

48:05

loud he was being fucking rude

48:08

and he was gonna get all of his friends into a

48:10

fight and

48:12

we fucking left I

48:14

was like let's get the fuck out of here and

48:19

I don't know I had a great time I actually also

48:22

had a really good breakfast place little

48:24

pizza I think it was called greasy spoon

48:26

I fucking loved it and the lady behind

48:28

the counter was a who works the day shift

48:30

as a fucking riot I

48:32

was sitting there she got me my drink order and

48:34

she goes you ready and I was like yeah she goes what do

48:37

you got and I just laughed

48:39

I go let me get two eggs fucking

48:41

what do you got what do you

48:43

got I don't know hunger pains

48:46

um so

48:49

anyway so we had a great time there and as

48:53

I said I can't recommend going

48:55

out to see Joe Manneries enough men like he fucking

48:57

blew me away for Z of course was great as always but

49:00

uh I always like throwing out new names on

49:02

the podcast people you could check out the Joe

49:04

Manneries on Twitter

49:08

went

49:15

into my settings and figured out how to make

49:17

the screensaver not come up every two fucking

49:19

seconds all right

49:21

let's do a couple of reads here you

49:24

know what that just reminded me of I don't know why everybody

49:26

freaking out about that fucking missile that the Navy

49:29

shot off you

49:31

know this is the beginning of World War three

49:33

well great great

49:35

and then you know what we're all gonna be dead so

49:38

what are you fucking worried about you

49:41

know what I mean I would be much more

49:43

worried if somebody released one

49:45

Cobra into the fucking

49:48

Los Angeles area and I knew that it was

49:50

somewhere in the hills where I hiked if there

49:52

was one Cobra there I would be way

49:55

more fucking nervous

49:57

like if they said right now we have a special

49:59

news Flash. China

50:02

has just shot a bunch of nuclear

50:04

weapons. They will be here in six minutes.

50:07

So get your affairs in order.

50:09

I would go over to the fridge and

50:11

I'd get out a pint ice cream and I'd sit there.

50:14

You know,

50:15

you know, like a little kid sits in a big chair and he

50:17

kicks his legs up and down like a scissor. That's

50:20

what I would do. Oh

50:22

boy, oh boy, I'm going to get vaporized. I'm

50:25

getting what everybody wants. A painless

50:28

death. That's what you're looking at when you

50:30

see the nuclear weapons. What you're

50:32

looking at is a painless death.

50:34

I'm all about them. I love the warheads.

50:37

I'm a big warhead fan. You

50:39

know, I like that we're puffing each other's chests

50:41

up. You know what I mean? China's,

50:44

you know, we're like, why I oughta, you

50:47

know, and China's like, why we oughta?

50:51

And then Korea's like, hey, what about us? We

50:53

still count, right? I don't give a fuck.

50:55

I really don't. You

51:00

know, I'm a grizzled vet of this shit. I

51:02

grew up in the tail end of the cold war. I remember that shit, right?

51:07

Everybody says they're going to do it and then they

51:09

never do. Okay,

51:12

until they do. And when they do, you're not going to

51:14

know it because it's going to be over. At least

51:16

I won't know it. That's one of the great things about being

51:18

in a targeted city. You're going to have

51:20

no idea that World War Three even happened.

51:24

You're just going to wake up, you know,

51:26

wherever the fuck you go, or maybe you

51:28

just become part of the radiation. You

51:31

know, that the next people are going to climb

51:34

out of. I told you guys

51:36

that night. That's my theory, right? That

51:38

water is the nuclear waste from the last people

51:40

that fucked up this planet.

51:43

And we're actually these fucking mutants. We're actually

51:45

ugly as shit. We just don't know any better because

51:48

we're attracted to what we see because we're all fucking arrogant, right? We

51:51

got the ego. Look at me. My ego came out and

51:53

fucking first six minutes. You

51:56

don't know who I am. Well, then I could say I'm Elvis and everyone

51:58

would believe it. Now, Bill, they wouldn't. You

52:00

fucking dope. Um, yeah,

52:05

so I don't know what the big deal is. And it was also funny

52:07

to watch, to read that, and

52:10

listen to say that they were saying everybody in California

52:13

was freaking out. And then

52:15

I called my wife and she doesn't even bring it up.

52:19

Probably didn't even know it happened. Because

52:21

at this point nobody really watches the news anymore.

52:24

Remember the news used to come up? Everybody

52:26

watched the fucking news. You

52:29

had your guy, who do you like? And

52:31

it was all men, right? Because men tell you what's

52:33

going on in the world, despite what these ladies

52:35

think. You know what I mean? That's why I stopped watching the

52:38

news. The second I saw

52:40

a woman news anchor, I was like, this broad doesn't know what she's talking

52:42

about. She does. She

52:44

only got half the information because whoever was

52:46

telling it to her was probably thinking about fucking

52:48

her, and he left out half the information.

52:51

Okay. That's

52:54

the problem with female news anchors, and I've

52:56

been saying it for years. And

52:58

you can hide behind your sexist... He's

53:03

a sexist comment.

53:05

All right?

53:06

There's not an ounce of comedy in this right now. I'm

53:10

just trying to give bloggers an easy week. I

53:13

am dead serious. You know, I

53:15

don't even know. Does Connie Chung still

53:17

do it? You know what's funny? Connie Chung did the real news

53:20

and then her husband was doing that. What

53:22

was that fucking show? Was it hard copy? He

53:25

had that sound of something like a fucking Matthew. What's

53:27

that thing behind the door? The door stopper from that

53:29

thing you played with before there was the internet? You

53:32

just sit there for hours going...

53:38

That's a hard noise they would take.

53:41

He just said they're fucking with that, right? He was on

53:43

a show that that was the

53:44

sound effectors they went into every story. And

53:47

Connie, right, was actually

53:49

talking about real shit that was... Well, at least, you know,

53:51

the edited real shit, our version of the real

53:53

shit that was going on. You know? I

53:56

would love them to sit there as they both talked about. You

54:00

know, the news stories

54:02

that they were excited about.

54:04

You know, she was reporting about the Berlin Wall coming

54:07

down and he was talking about some

54:09

paper boy

54:11

who fucked the postman's wife. You know what I mean? I

54:14

don't know. I just, I guess I just find relationships

54:17

interesting. All right. Legal

54:19

zone, everybody. Yeah, we're still doing advertising, by

54:21

the way. Legal zone, everyone. All

54:23

right. So the next night I went up

54:25

and I did, uh, I

54:28

did this, the SANS. Casino is

54:30

proud to present a wonderful new

54:32

show, a man and his music. And

54:35

the man is Frank Sinatra. I

54:38

know you people get my room. Come

54:40

fly with me, you big fat fucking

54:43

whore. Um, you guys

54:45

ever hear that album? Oh, what an album that is. It's

54:48

with the Count Basie Orchestra. Um,

54:51

there's a casino. There's

54:53

a town I know where the hipsters

54:55

go called Bedrock. Twist,

54:58

twist. There's a Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

55:02

There was a casino in there that pulls

55:04

in like a million dollars a day. They make, they

55:07

make bank. I walked in there.

55:09

I got there early. I talked to this fucking

55:12

zombie. And

55:14

she must've hated her job. I

55:16

don't know what it was, but the way she was talking,

55:19

it was like that. Just that sing songy everywhere.

55:21

I'd be like, yeah, where's the gym? She'd be

55:24

like,

55:24

okay, the gym is right down the end of the hall. And you

55:26

get that, but they, but they, but they, but they did

55:29

what time's check out.

55:34

Just going like up and like, like she was a

55:37

robot and someone just randomly

55:39

like programmed the same

55:43

inflection arc. She

55:44

started down low and then she went up high and then

55:46

she ended up here. And then she came back down.

55:49

Um, and

55:52

I went in there, right? I got a Budweiser.

55:55

I sat down and this place was

55:58

fucking mob.

55:59

Mobbed.

56:01

Mobbed. I've never seen

56:03

so many dirty jackets in my life. Mobbed

56:07

with white people,

56:09

Asians,

56:10

black people, any kind of

56:12

people you could think of was

56:15

in their place was fucking

56:18

mobbed. And I'm sitting, it was

56:20

Saturday afternoon and I was sitting there going, is there like

56:22

a fucking championship

56:24

fight just let out? This is fucking

56:27

unbelievable. And I talked to one of the

56:29

owners and he said, no dude, this fucking place

56:32

does a business like it's one of the top

56:34

casinos in the country. And

56:37

I'll tell you what else it is. It's one of the

56:39

top venues I ever performed at. I

56:41

had the best fucking time. I don't know what it is.

56:44

Just certain rooms you walk into, they

56:46

just, they got that magic, right?

56:49

You just, you stand to the side of the stage and

56:51

just feel it like this is going to be fucking great.

56:55

And I

56:57

think I did like, I might've done an hour and a half

56:59

on that one.

57:01

Oh, such a great fucking time.

57:03

Such a great time.

57:05

Oh, and

57:07

you know, I, it's so funny. I talked about trying

57:09

to get into the Wells Fargo Center and even talk about the show.

57:12

So I actually got to do a show at

57:14

that arena and Paul

57:17

and Joe did great. And I walked out and

57:20

a crowd was nice. It was so

57:22

funny, man. Philly's like, we've been joking with Verzi,

57:24

like Philly's like the only city

57:26

that you go to where you have to, you need a game plan.

57:30

Like okay, if this happens, I'm going to do this

57:32

or be ready to do this, blah,

57:35

blah, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But the crowd couldn't

57:37

have been any

57:39

better than anybody who worked there was fucking cool as

57:41

shit. And I

57:44

was actually bonding with the, one of the flyer

57:46

fan security guys,

57:48

because their team's not doing that well either. Bro,

57:51

it's dropped like three out of four, but we won the last

57:53

one. That's all right. And

57:57

we fucked up and then we blew the Canadian's game.

57:59

uncharacteristically taken a dumb

58:02

penalty. But I

58:05

just, you know, I had no idea what to expect

58:07

this year. So I thought we were just gonna get fucking

58:09

smoked because we had all these new guys

58:11

and they're playing good. You know,

58:13

I don't mind if we lose a game because we fucked

58:16

up, because that can be fixed. It's

58:18

just when you're just losing because you just simply can't

58:20

even compete. And I have not seen that this year. So

58:23

I'm still very optimistic

58:26

that we're gonna make the playoffs and we're gonna have a good

58:28

showing. I think it's gonna even be better next year. So

58:31

anyway, so I fly down to Daytona, right? And

58:37

oh, Giannis Pappas open for me on that

58:39

last one. You know,

58:41

he went out and fucking crushed it.

58:45

Actually, he really fucking crushed it and

58:48

went over a little bit. So, and he felt, he was

58:50

all apologetic. So I fucking, I broke his

58:52

balls for like a good 10 minutes.

58:54

Saying I was never gonna use them. And he went over by like

58:56

fucking three minutes.

58:57

I was like, no, no, no, you did great. But you're one

59:00

and done. It's over, you're dead to

59:02

me. So

59:04

anyways, I went down to Daytona. I'd never been to

59:06

Daytona. I didn't even realize that. And

59:09

I've always wanted to go to the Daytona 500. Why

59:11

wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you wanna

59:13

see people as fucking

59:16

brilliant as they are in pit row and then stand

59:18

in the, being the stands of some of the dumbest people

59:20

in the nation? Just that whole McDLT,

59:23

that juxtaposition, huh? Be

59:25

fucking phenomenal. Fucking

59:28

people trying to shave off a millisecond,

59:33

thousandth of a second, whatever they're trying to do by

59:35

adjusting. God knows what. Meanwhile,

59:38

me and a bunch of other morons are just standing up there

59:40

hoping somebody crashes. So

59:45

anyways, so I was like, man, I hope I have

59:47

time to fucking check out

59:49

the speedway, but I don't have a car. So

59:52

I'm walking off the plane. And

59:54

you know, in the airports, they have those

59:57

floor to ceiling windows. As I walk.

1:00:00

off the jetway and coming to the

1:00:02

place where you fucking wait. I looked across

1:00:05

the to the other gate

1:00:07

that was directly across and out the window and there

1:00:09

was the fucking speedway. The speedway

1:00:12

is right next to the airport. It was fucking

1:00:14

cool as shit. And when I was over at my hotel,

1:00:16

I heard I heard

1:00:19

this car fucking driving around the track,

1:00:22

you know, testing God knows what

1:00:24

out was really fucking cool. So hopefully I'll get back there.

1:00:26

And I performed at an aeronautical

1:00:28

schools. So everybody in the crowd was either

1:00:30

a pilot, was in maintenance,

1:00:33

Homeland Security, or

1:00:37

they were actually learning how to design airplane

1:00:40

parts

1:00:41

or aircraft parts, whatever the fuck you want to call it.

1:00:44

And

1:00:46

I had a great time talking to them, especially afterwards.

1:00:49

And the Dean of Students was actually a veteran.

1:00:52

I forget what he said he flew. I

1:00:56

see something or the gunship. And

1:00:59

I asked him if he if when he flies now, is

1:01:01

it a lot more enjoyable because nobody's shooting at

1:01:03

him? He goes, I don't do it anymore. And

1:01:06

I go, Oh, why not? Why not? You just

1:01:08

sick of it? He goes, No, man, he goes, I got, you

1:01:10

know, he goes, when you get shot down, he

1:01:13

goes, I got a medal in my knee and in my shoulder,

1:01:15

he goes, Yeah, did you go

1:01:17

down once in one of those? You don't want to do it again.

1:01:21

So I just sat there with

1:01:23

my jaw on the ground listening to his stories, but I could

1:01:26

not have had a better time. I

1:01:30

could not have had a better time at that

1:01:32

at that

1:01:33

school. And Vanessa

1:01:35

fraction opened up, she fucking destroyed.

1:01:38

It's

1:01:41

just a great time. It's

1:01:41

just a great fucking run. I just did not get any

1:01:44

goddamn sleep. So let me read the

1:01:46

questions here. And let me get on with

1:01:48

my fucking life here.

1:01:51

All right.

1:01:53

Other language. See,

1:01:56

hey, Bill, I'm 23 and my wife will

1:01:59

never be

1:02:01

Hey, Bill, I'm 23 and my other

1:02:03

language, I'm from Czechoslovakia.

1:02:13

I'm

1:02:17

gonna do my best to read this. Or

1:02:21

maybe I'm just gonna read it how he wrote it. Hey,

1:02:24

Bill, I'm 23 and my life will

1:02:26

never be complete without advice

1:02:28

from 50-yo out

1:02:30

of shape bald head. I

1:02:33

moved to England just because of stand-up.

1:02:35

Sorry for writing like a total dick, but

1:02:38

this is my second language. I used

1:02:40

to be good comedian, back

1:02:42

home Czech Republic, but

1:02:44

I wanted more. Ever since I moved to England,

1:02:47

I realized I'm not so funny in English. I

1:02:49

want to give it three more years, at

1:02:51

least four, when

1:02:54

I'm able to do open mics. Do you

1:02:56

think that non-native speaker

1:02:58

can break in hard work

1:03:00

inbound? Yeah,

1:03:04

Yakov Shmironov made

1:03:06

an absolute fortune. I

1:03:11

think you definitely can't. It's not

1:03:13

gonna hurt you. Look, dude, if

1:03:15

you can figure out being from the Czech Republic,

1:03:17

if you can figure out how to be funny in

1:03:20

English and make those cunts in England

1:03:22

laugh, you know, if you can make

1:03:24

those fucking people laugh, when you go back to

1:03:26

your part of Europe,

1:03:28

you're gonna be the king. Now, I'll tell you something

1:03:30

right now, dude, there's nothing wrong with being the king of

1:03:32

the Czech Republic, is it? All those fucking

1:03:34

smoking hot Czechs over there, you'll fucking

1:03:37

destroy.

1:03:38

Dude, if everybody in your country loves

1:03:40

you, you'll be a fucking zillionaire.

1:03:43

It's over. And who are you competing against? Who's

1:03:46

the Czech Republic Richard

1:03:49

Pryor or George Carlin? What's

1:03:51

the competition? Dude, you're getting in at the ground

1:03:53

floor. You could be the Lenny Bruce

1:03:56

over there, right? I think it's a great

1:03:58

fucking move, and I think you're gonna do well. Just

1:04:00

hang in there because no matter where you're

1:04:02

at, you're gonna be struggling, right? And

1:04:05

while you're at it, you're in England. You got this cool

1:04:07

fucking accent

1:04:10

Maybe you can take out your old fucking chexter

1:04:13

there and stick it between some chicks beef curtains

1:04:15

or whatever the fuck they say over there All right, Eastern

1:04:17

Europe Hello

1:04:20

small tits Billy boy you were teasing

1:04:22

with coming to Eastern Europe some time ago,

1:04:24

would you consider coming to Poland? Absolutely

1:04:26

I would I was told to the south Southern

1:04:29

part of Poland's great and up north along

1:04:31

the water. I would be

1:04:33

thrilled to see you live in my country I'm a huge

1:04:35

fan as is everyone who listens to you.

1:04:37

Obviously Less

1:04:39

what my ego says sincerely go

1:04:42

fuck yourself Also, I remember watching

1:04:44

you and breaking bad and I wasn't aware of you being

1:04:46

such an awesome person and thinking of you And

1:04:49

every time parts on screen. I Was

1:04:52

like who is that van gogh looking dude? Ah,

1:04:54

fuck you Um Anyway,

1:04:57

I you know, I can't even is that a compliment or I don't

1:04:59

even know I would definitely come to Poland

1:05:02

And I definitely want to do Eastern Europe and

1:05:04

I was talking to My agent

1:05:07

the other day about how we got to do Europe. I

1:05:09

do it every other year. So I didn't do it this year I'm

1:05:11

gonna do it next year I

1:05:14

do it every other year when I get my act together, you know, I

1:05:16

mean

1:05:17

people don't over there in the second fucking language

1:05:20

You know in some of those places people listening to me

1:05:23

Speaking English and they don't speak English is

1:05:25

a first language I got to make sure that like,

1:05:28

you know, I can't be just riffing and fucking around

1:05:31

I can do that in

1:05:33

This country I can put together that

1:05:35

but I'm not flying all the way over there to do that So I got to

1:05:37

make sure that during my off here

1:05:39

between specials. This is that this is

1:05:41

how it works. I put the shit together

1:05:44

I'll take it through the whole thing I do my special and

1:05:47

then immediately I start doing comedy clubs any

1:05:49

place I can get up at and I get it in an hour For

1:05:51

the shit that I can say by the time my special comes

1:05:54

out and then I honed that thing to the point

1:05:56

where it's an acceptable level and then I start

1:05:59

touring with it on the road and then I just start

1:06:01

dropping jokes as better jokes come in and then

1:06:04

when I get it really ready to go then I do the

1:06:06

European shit and then I come back and

1:06:08

I take the special and then that's it. Then I start all

1:06:10

over again and it never

1:06:13

ends. All right here's

1:06:15

something about Cleo. All right dear Billy Bruford

1:06:18

I have a theory on Cleo's behavior and

1:06:21

an explanation for her peeing

1:06:23

in the house. All right for those of you who didn't listen last time

1:06:25

or for those of you in the future who just grabbed this

1:06:28

one out of a whole slew of them how are

1:06:30

you? Was there a nuclear holocaust?

1:06:33

Well great you survived it. Are

1:06:35

you in your bunker? How

1:06:38

many more cans of beans can you eat? You cunt.

1:06:41

What's it like living in a world without ESPN?

1:06:43

Da da da, boo doo boo. Oh

1:06:46

you know what if you're actually in a bunker right now in the future

1:06:49

and you're listening to me I should probably be a little more positive

1:06:51

right? I should okay just

1:06:53

what makes that little old ant

1:06:55

think he can survive

1:06:58

a meltdown from a nuclear plant? Everyone

1:07:01

knows he's got sores

1:07:03

all over his fucking face because

1:07:06

he went

1:07:08

outside he didn't stay underground.

1:07:12

That's why you'll be in that

1:07:15

what they usually bury that's those those things

1:07:18

what they stick all the drugs in that sit on the wharfs

1:07:20

and they stick them on the back of trucks. Freight fucking

1:07:24

things I don't know whatever they they dealt

1:07:26

with during the second season of the wire anyway

1:07:29

so um the

1:07:32

fuck was I talking oh the fucking dog

1:07:34

so my dog um has been having bladder

1:07:37

issues every once in a while she just like pees for

1:07:40

no fucking reason and um our

1:07:42

doctor was saying that's because you know she

1:07:44

was spayed and that's one of the things

1:07:47

that happens sometimes once they get older so

1:07:49

this guy has a theory as to why she's been peeing a

1:07:51

little bit in the house she says he says

1:07:53

I'm our he or she what do we got here I

1:07:56

don't know all right I'm a lifelong

1:07:58

dog lover I

1:08:02

fucked my first dog when I was four. Sorry, it

1:08:04

was an easy joke. I'm a lifelong dog lover

1:08:07

and own two of my own. Remember

1:08:09

last week you commented on how when

1:08:12

you got back from Taurus, she slept all night

1:08:14

and then was sleeping in your office while

1:08:16

you did the podcast like she was on morphine

1:08:18

totally knocked out. It's because she

1:08:21

loves you. You are the one person who takes her

1:08:23

on hikes and gives her baths, et cetera.

1:08:26

She's probably anxious when you're away. And

1:08:28

when you come home, she's so relieved and relaxed

1:08:30

that she just passes out. Now that I know. I'm

1:08:33

asking about the peeing here, sir.

1:08:36

All right, don't be anxious or in apples

1:08:38

with oranges.

1:08:39

Now you're about to leave for tour and

1:08:41

she's peeing in the house. Dogs are

1:08:44

very intuitive and can pick up on the littlest

1:08:46

thing. She's picked up on signs that

1:08:48

she'll be leaving again. And as a result of stealing

1:08:50

anxious, which is causing her to

1:08:53

pee inside. Pee

1:08:55

inside the house, she means. She's

1:08:58

peed inside like I'm ahead of her. Just

1:09:00

a thought,

1:09:02

but it could be what's going on. I think that's a great

1:09:04

theory. Good luck and see

1:09:06

you next weekend in New York. All right, you

1:09:08

know what? Thank you.

1:09:10

You fucking phenomenal advice. Way better

1:09:12

than anything I've ever said on this podcast. Oh,

1:09:15

come on, Bill, don't beat up on yourself.

1:09:17

Well, I know. All

1:09:20

right, 89 year old tries stand up for

1:09:22

the very first time. Um,

1:09:25

hey, Bill, did you see the article

1:09:28

in the video of the old guy trying stand up for the first

1:09:30

time? At the first, at

1:09:32

first the video came out and he was praised.

1:09:34

Then it came out that he lifted the jokes and some people

1:09:37

turned on him, saying it wasn't that big

1:09:39

of a deal. If he memorized them,

1:09:42

I feel both ways. Seems like he could have put together

1:09:44

a couple of one-liners with all the old people.

1:09:47

Downtime he has. Other part of

1:09:49

me says he just wanted to stand in those shoes and see

1:09:51

what it feels like. Like if you started flying

1:09:53

a helicopter at 89, but had the instructor

1:09:55

take off, so you just did the cruising

1:09:58

around in the air. Thoughts?

1:09:59

Um,

1:10:01

yeah, man. Well, first of all, he probably came from

1:10:03

the Henny Youngman era when most

1:10:05

of those guys, you know Not

1:10:08

saying Henny Youngman stole but like back then like

1:10:10

people just did street jokes two guys walk into

1:10:13

a bar But uh, I actually think

1:10:15

it's kind of cool that in 89 he's 89 years

1:10:17

old. So he he got to feel like

1:10:20

what it was like to do Stand

1:10:22

up. He got to feel like what it was like to be famous

1:10:25

He got to feel what it felt like. He got so famous

1:10:27

that there was the backlash He

1:10:30

got called a thief. He got the whole

1:10:32

fucking thing Fucking

1:10:34

him his second set's gonna be called his big comeback

1:10:37

like Travolta and fucking Pulp

1:10:39

Fiction. I think it's wonderful. I'm I'm I'm

1:10:42

glad that he did it and I don't have any problem

1:10:44

with him going That's a fucking adorable to see an

1:10:46

old guy go up there at 89 telling old jokes

1:10:49

Come on You're not a fucking

1:10:52

you got no you have no blood in your heart if you didn't

1:10:54

think that that was adorable All right

1:10:56

corporations Uh

1:10:59

bill I was doing some fall cleanup

1:11:01

in my yad Because the maple

1:11:03

trees surrounding my house likes to leave

1:11:05

a nice mess during this time where I Where

1:11:08

I love the city requires that you put leaves and grass

1:11:10

clippings and giant paper bags That you can

1:11:12

purchase at various stores when the bags are filled up

1:11:14

We set them out on the curb and they're picked up during

1:11:16

the week They usually cost around three dollars for

1:11:19

a bundle of about five bags one

1:11:21

thing I noticed on these bags Which every

1:11:23

store you buy them from their logo

1:11:26

and or slogans are printed all over the bags

1:11:28

like

1:11:28

it

1:11:29

like at a home improvement store When

1:11:32

they're sitting at the curb the store logo

1:11:34

is there for everyone to see who drives or walks

1:11:36

by to see That's brilliant.

1:11:39

I realized that because of this Uh,

1:11:42

I am advertising for that store for free or

1:11:44

actually paying them to advertise

1:11:47

for them Um,

1:11:49

this is almost the same as if you bought a car

1:11:51

from a dealership and put an emblem Or

1:11:55

a license plate to cover the car of the dealership. Oh

1:11:57

my god, this is killing my brain I'm

1:11:59

just a enough sleep. If I could find

1:12:01

bags that were blank, I would get those, but

1:12:04

I have not. I thought to tell you about this

1:12:06

because of your bid about automated

1:12:08

cash registers at the

1:12:10

checkout stores and was wondering

1:12:12

what your take was on something like this. Love your

1:12:14

comedy. Thanks. Go fuck yourself. You

1:12:17

know, I don't got a problem with something like that. Who gives

1:12:19

a fuck? You

1:12:21

know, you went in, you needed bags. They had

1:12:23

bags, you gave them to them. They put their names on them. I

1:12:26

don't give a shit. You know, it's

1:12:30

no skin off my fucking back. My thing is

1:12:32

working for free. Um,

1:12:35

I guess technically it could be a jerk and be like,

1:12:37

you owe me money for advertising out in front of

1:12:39

my house, you know, start

1:12:42

renting out the space at the end of your driveway. I

1:12:47

mean, that might be a thing in the future, you know, a way to

1:12:49

make money from home, like rent out your

1:12:51

mailbox, let

1:12:54

people put their logo on it. Um,

1:12:56

I'd be hell, that'd be hilarious. And you

1:12:58

have to start whoring out your kids. Listen, you

1:13:02

call up like nestling. Just say, listen, my oldest

1:13:05

daughter, I'm not trying to be weird, but she's really

1:13:07

hot and everybody wants to fuck her. So

1:13:10

they're always driving by the house. So I was thinking,

1:13:12

what if you guys put like your little fucking hot

1:13:15

cocoa sign on the side of my mailbox, you

1:13:17

know? So all those guys, you know, they'll

1:13:20

think that, Oh man, if I buy this hot cocoa that

1:13:22

they can fuck my daughter and they're

1:13:24

not going to do it. There's no way they're going to do it

1:13:26

because she's already banging one of her teachers. You

1:13:28

see what I'm saying? Nestle, and they'd be like, all right, man, we'll fucking

1:13:30

do it. All right, new relationship. Hey, Bill,

1:13:33

I need your insight. I just started hanging out with

1:13:35

this girl who was 17 years younger

1:13:37

than me. Yes, we have had sex,

1:13:42

but we have not had butt sex. What

1:13:45

the fuck? I'm 45

1:13:48

and she's 28.

1:13:52

Every time I try to calm her down

1:13:54

for that kind of action, her left

1:13:56

leg starts spazzing out and she freezes up.

1:13:59

Should I dump her? Or

1:14:03

move on.

1:14:04

Ah, shit.

1:14:11

That guy just mocked

1:14:13

the entire thing that I do at the end of my podcast. And

1:14:15

God damn it, I loved it. I loved every second

1:14:17

of it. All right.

1:14:20

Well, that's the podcast for this week.

1:14:25

I don't know what to tell you. I'm in New York to do

1:14:27

my final show of

1:14:29

the year. Gear, my final

1:14:31

road gig of the year. All right. And

1:14:35

I am already mentally, I'm already

1:14:37

drinking eggnog. That's how excited I am

1:14:39

about being home for the fucking holidays. I'm

1:14:43

going to be performing at Madison

1:14:46

Square Garden, believe it or not, this

1:14:48

Saturday, November 14th. And

1:14:53

for those of you who saw,

1:14:55

I put out a teaser for F is for family

1:14:58

that's coming out on December 18th, everybody.

1:15:01

And we put out a little teaser there. And

1:15:04

the rumor mill is

1:15:07

that the trailer is going to be coming out soon.

1:15:10

And we can actually, right now it's just sort of a little thing

1:15:12

just to get out, you know, they do it. We're

1:15:15

fucking getting you salivating for it. But

1:15:17

I'm really excited about that. And check

1:15:20

this shit out. I rented a drum kit to

1:15:24

be set up at

1:15:26

Madison Square Garden during the day. So

1:15:28

during the day, me and some of my friends are going to go

1:15:31

in and jam in an empty Madison Square

1:15:33

Garden. And

1:15:37

it's going to be fucking it's going to be fucking ridiculous.

1:15:40

It's going to be fucking ridiculous. And we're all like fucking

1:15:43

old white guys. So we're just

1:15:46

geeking out, sending a set list.

1:15:48

We should do war

1:15:51

pigs. It's

1:15:53

just all this old white guy music. Although

1:15:56

that stands the test of time. Black Sabbath

1:15:58

does.

1:15:59

I don't give a fuck

1:16:02

how many mouse heads people have. If you put on

1:16:04

Black Sabbath, there's no fucking way. You can't appreciate

1:16:06

that level of quality in that music. So we're gonna

1:16:09

be doing that. And yes,

1:16:11

I will definitely take some video.

1:16:13

You know what's really cool is it was a buddy of mine

1:16:15

forever I've been trying to jam with them. And

1:16:19

it just never worked out.

1:16:20

So I finally called him, I said, hey man, I'm in New York.

1:16:23

You wanna get together Saturday? And he goes,

1:16:25

yeah, come on out to my place. I moved

1:16:27

out to Jersey, I got a rehearsal space. And I

1:16:29

said, nah man, I got a better space.

1:16:33

And you know, he's proud of the space and I know it's the shit.

1:16:35

So he writes back, he's like, what the fuck?

1:16:37

And then I hit him with it. Hey, let's go fucking play

1:16:40

it out of Madison Square Garden. He fucking freaked,

1:16:44

fucking freaked. It's

1:16:46

gonna be awesome. And for those of you who

1:16:48

are already cringing, thinking that I'm

1:16:51

easing my way to at some point playing

1:16:53

drums before or after one of my

1:16:55

shows during a live performance,

1:16:57

I would never do that to you. Just know

1:17:00

I would never do that. Know that I know that

1:17:02

I stink. I

1:17:04

know that I stink. I know that this

1:17:06

is just a hobby. I know that I will never

1:17:09

make a living. So fucking relax.

1:17:13

I'm just a middle aged white dude. Fucking

1:17:16

being a geek. I'm allowed to

1:17:19

do that. Well, that's

1:17:21

the podcast for this week. It's a little

1:17:23

bit short, but I'm a little short

1:17:26

on time this week. I'll make it up to you on Thursday.

1:17:29

That's it. Don't take any shit. Go fuck yourselves

1:17:32

and I'll check it on you on Thursday. What's

1:17:34

up everybody? Welcome back to

1:17:37

the Anything Better podcast, NFL

1:17:39

edition,

1:17:45

sponsored by BetMGM.

1:17:48

And we are about to get into week

1:17:50

number 10. I can't even believe I'm saying

1:17:52

that, dude. Like I really feel like we

1:17:54

just started this and half the season

1:17:56

is over.

1:17:59

We got some.

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We got some good games this week, but first,

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of course, we got a shout out to BetMGM app, guys.

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1:18:32

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of the outcome of your bet. Now,

1:18:52

Bill,

1:18:55

the giant season's over. We're

1:19:00

two and seven. I believe you're past- I mean,

1:19:02

what's with that spread this week? Jesus Christ.

1:19:05

Oh my God. 16 and a half. I mean, it's-

1:19:08

I know. You got a fucking, you got

1:19:10

like some guy, I don't know, third

1:19:12

string

1:19:12

guy playing quarterback at this point.

1:19:15

Yeah, he's a third string quarterback and I hate to say

1:19:17

it, but his name is Tommy DeVito. He's

1:19:19

an Italian kid from Jersey. Look, I'm- He

1:19:22

can't lay off. He can't lay off. No, but he

1:19:25

doesn't look. I'll be honest, and this is

1:19:27

no disrespect. I do love the gold chains

1:19:29

that he's got out, but he just doesn't look the part,

1:19:31

man.

1:19:32

You know,

1:19:35

Tommy D. Tommy D is going to be

1:19:37

owning a pizzeria dealership. He's

1:19:39

going to have his giant thing. He's going to ride

1:19:41

that for a while. Patriots,

1:19:44

I believe, Patriots are also two and seven. Who would have

1:19:47

thunk it, Bill? Who would have fucking

1:19:49

thunk it? They're calling for Bill Belichick's

1:19:51

job, the morons. You can fucking

1:19:53

believe that. You believe that? I mean, that's the

1:19:55

day- All right, well, I'm going to have to believe it, Paul, because

1:19:57

it's just what they do to try to get people-

1:19:59

stirred up and

1:20:03

I just, I just, I was saying on my, my

1:20:06

Thursday afternoon podcast, I was saying

1:20:09

if they fired him, that goes up there with them

1:20:11

throwing Oakley out of the garden.

1:20:14

Oh, you put it there. Yeah, that's yeah.

1:20:16

Yeah. Just embarrassing. It would just be embarrassing

1:20:19

like to do that. I

1:20:21

didn't want to think about it.

1:20:23

No, don't bring it up. Okay.

1:20:25

Well, I actually think that that's just a little

1:20:27

media talk. Bob, Bob Kraft

1:20:29

would never do that. You know, Paul, you're really seeing about, you've seen

1:20:31

around the corners. Bob

1:20:33

Kraft would never do that. No way.

1:20:35

Over his dead body.

1:20:37

Bob Kraft. What? He

1:20:39

said, Bob Kraft, Robert left too. No,

1:20:43

after he got with that scandal with the massage

1:20:45

thing, I got called up.

1:20:49

After that here, after that, it's

1:20:51

Bobby to me. What are you

1:20:53

doing? What are you, I get it. We're in Florida.

1:20:55

We all like to have a good time, but give me Bobby. Can

1:21:00

happen.

1:21:01

Bill, what do you think about the Dolphins

1:21:04

not beating any teams that are

1:21:06

basically have a winning record? Are the, are the

1:21:09

Dolphins for real or no?

1:21:12

Paul, if you had any sense, you'd stay away from

1:21:15

that division.

1:21:16

Yeah. I don't fucking division. I

1:21:18

don't even know. Like,

1:21:20

geez. I mean, the Jets are the only one that

1:21:22

have a fucking excuse. Excuse.

1:21:24

Jets are the ones that have a fucking

1:21:26

excuse. I've done too many goddamn shows. Aaron

1:21:29

Rodgers, too. They're going down.

1:21:31

That's the only legitimate excuse. The fucking

1:21:33

bills are supposed to be somebody. Who are they, Bob? Paul,

1:21:35

they're fucking coming and going. There's

1:21:38

five and four. All this fucking talk,

1:21:40

all this fucking hype. Five

1:21:42

and fucking four. The Dolphins all

1:21:44

of a sudden were looking like they were going to do something.

1:21:47

And now, what are they? I mean, who are they,

1:21:49

Paul? How about the Ravens,

1:21:51

dude? They look good.

1:21:55

There's a lot of,

1:21:57

the Ravens look good, but what about also Joe

1:21:59

Burnham?

1:21:59

I don't think they look that good, Paul. I

1:22:02

like Joe Burrow and the Bengals here. All

1:22:04

right, we're going to get into these picks. It's

1:22:06

week number 10. We are collectively

1:22:08

above 500. We

1:22:12

are always right there. You know what I'm going to do? I went to it too

1:22:14

last week, Paul. I'm trying to

1:22:16

hang with you. Before we get into this, before we get into

1:22:18

this, I just want to say something

1:22:21

that I realized, I was thinking about this last time, I was like, I

1:22:23

got to bring this up on the show. A lot of ex-NFL fans are going to

1:22:25

be like, I got to bring this up on the

1:22:28

show.

1:22:28

A lot of ex-NFL

1:22:30

players are not good at picking games, and

1:22:32

I figured out why. Like Tiki Barber

1:22:34

was on the radio, he's like, I'm bad at Tiki Barber, he's like

1:22:36

nine games under 500, and he's going,

1:22:38

I'm bad at this. And I figured out why a lot of players

1:22:40

aren't good at it, because they have the mentality

1:22:43

of being in that locker room going, yeah, we're

1:22:45

8-point underdogs, we're going to show you this week. And

1:22:48

they carry that, they carry

1:22:50

that with them when they see a team, they're like, no, they're going to come

1:22:52

out and they're going to do it, because they

1:22:54

still have the competitive thing. And I think

1:22:57

it clouds their minds with picks. That's just my

1:22:59

take on it, but that's what I think it is.

1:23:01

I just don't think they watch football.

1:23:03

Do they have to for their job? Paul, do

1:23:06

you watch stand-up comedy? No. No.

1:23:12

I know, that is true. But then

1:23:15

I would also think it would make them miss it. I

1:23:18

would actually love to see, you know whose paper I'd love to see? I'd love to

1:23:20

see Tony Romo pick

1:23:23

five games a week. That guy would be,

1:23:25

I think that that guy would be like tops.

1:23:28

Dude, what about that fucking guy who was in jail?

1:23:31

He needed $10,000 bail, and he did like a 10-team

1:23:33

parlay. No.

1:23:37

And he fucking hit it. Dude, he had all of these

1:23:39

teams, and I don't know where he goes, let me get the New

1:23:41

York Liberty. He goes, yeah, the

1:23:43

WNBA.

1:23:44

He picked the WNBA game.

1:23:47

ESPN should hire that guy.

1:23:48

What? And he got bail because of it? And

1:23:51

it was one week, but it was like a fucking 18-team.

1:23:53

It was unbelievable. Dude,

1:23:55

that's a Hollywood movie. A guy

1:23:58

is in jail, but his sports knowledge... Alex

1:24:00

gets them out.

1:24:02

Dude, I had a dream last night, I was pitching my

1:24:04

next fucking movie. And

1:24:07

it was these, I was pitching to these women

1:24:09

that were, they were living in like the top

1:24:11

of a school fucking house. And

1:24:14

they had like all the kids had like painted on the floor

1:24:17

and shit. And I was walking around my bare feet getting like

1:24:19

paint on my, I don't know why I was, and they just

1:24:21

kept saying, I was trying to picture my idea. And they

1:24:23

just kept going, that's just stupidest idea I've ever

1:24:25

heard. And they were laughing at me.

1:24:28

And I

1:24:30

was thinking, you must fuck all you cunts, but I

1:24:32

didn't say it. I just walked

1:24:34

out. You

1:24:38

know,

1:24:39

when you first started

1:24:42

that, I thought you were going to say I had this dream. I was pitching

1:24:44

like you were pitching in the big game. Oh

1:24:47

no, I was pitching my next movie,

1:24:49

which by the way, I can finally fucking tell people,

1:24:51

thank you, the strikes over, right? Can I finally talk

1:24:53

about it? Thank you everyone who wants to go

1:24:55

see old dads, oh, Paulie Bursey's in

1:24:57

there. Yeah, that was dude,

1:24:59

it was a great movie, man. Got Joey being,

1:25:01

I got all my buddies in there. Joey B. Throwing

1:25:04

Haymakers, that's a great, great movie,

1:25:06

man. Congratulations on all the success too. It's

1:25:08

well deserved. I love how you- Hey

1:25:10

Paul, it was for the people, you know? Not

1:25:13

the fucking lunatics on the fringe. The fringe people

1:25:15

didn't lie all the way to the left, all the way to the right. They

1:25:17

didn't like it. Guess what Paul? Huh, guess what?

1:25:20

That guy getting that bacon, egg and cheese, he liked it.

1:25:23

There you go. All

1:25:27

right, here we go. I believe

1:25:29

I have pick number one, I'm

1:25:31

the first pick today, because it is a- Hey pick Paul,

1:25:33

after you, you know, after you. Week 10,

1:25:36

here we go. I'm

1:25:39

just gonna kill myself, you don't have

1:25:41

the ball. All

1:25:45

right. Are

1:25:48

we gonna do that on you? I

1:25:52

don't know, we can't- I don't think so.

1:25:54

No, we go ahead. I love you guys. All

1:25:57

right.

1:25:59

Listen,

1:26:02

I have hit the last three Thursday

1:26:03

nights in a row.

1:26:05

And then I looked at this Thursday and

1:26:08

I go, Panthers, Bears,

1:26:10

ah.

1:26:12

And then I looked where it was and I

1:26:14

go, Bears at home, ah. And

1:26:17

then I saw the spread and I said, three

1:26:19

and a half. I'm not touching

1:26:21

it, but oh, oh, something happened.

1:26:25

Something happened in the witching hour, that

1:26:27

spread. Cause the one thing I didn't like was the

1:26:29

half a point. And that's what I was going to say. But that half

1:26:31

a point went bye-bye in the last

1:26:34

little bit. And now the Bears are

1:26:36

three point favorites at home against

1:26:39

the half-less

1:26:40

one-win Carolina

1:26:43

Panthers. They

1:26:44

got a backup quarterback that's doing pretty

1:26:46

good. Their tight end Cole Komet,

1:26:48

who was at my show at Zany's in Chicago this year.

1:26:52

He's playing really well.

1:26:55

Since

1:26:56

I have a three game win streak

1:26:58

in a row on Thursday and the spread went

1:27:00

from three and a half to three, I am

1:27:02

taking the Chicago Bears.

1:27:05

I'm going to pull, he's going to pour himself a glass of

1:27:07

red wine tonight. And I'm going to

1:27:09

sit down and I'm going to watch the Bears at

1:27:11

Soldier Field

1:27:12

win that game by three

1:27:14

and hopefully

1:27:14

start my week one and oh for

1:27:16

the fourth week in a row. I got the Chicago

1:27:19

Bears tonight, baby. At home, cold

1:27:21

weather, Chicago Carolina Panthers.

1:27:24

Panthers don't survive in the Gulf. I

1:27:28

like that. There we go. All right Paul, my first

1:27:30

kick for the week.

1:27:31

I'm taking the New England Patriots.

1:27:33

Oh, he's taking them in Germany? I'm taking

1:27:35

the Patriots. I don't have to tell you Paul. I'm

1:27:38

telling anybody what.

1:27:40

You don't,

1:27:41

you don't. I'm taking Bill Bell to check

1:27:43

in the fucking Patriots. All right.

1:27:45

Oh, you know why Paul?

1:27:47

You know why? Huh? It was

1:27:49

out of respect.

1:27:50

I got to tell you something, dude.

1:27:53

The rumblings, even the fucking nerve

1:27:56

to even have a reporter say is Bill

1:27:58

Belichick in Jeopard. Even for that

1:28:01

to be out there in the ether. That

1:28:03

has nothing to do with Bill Belichick. It has to do

1:28:05

with that reporter's marriage. Bill Belichick.

1:28:07

It's their own personal bullshit.

1:28:10

Bill Belichick getting one

1:28:12

and a half

1:28:13

in Europe. Oh, I love it. That's a

1:28:15

great pick. That's a great pick. I

1:28:18

will tell you this though, dude. That fucking

1:28:20

team needs to smarten up. And they need to be

1:28:22

playing Bill Belichick fucking football because they're not. That

1:28:25

bullshit I saw last week. Stupid mental

1:28:28

mistakes and the goddamn penalties. I just think Bill

1:28:30

is not happening. You

1:28:33

texted me. Hey, smart. Hey,

1:28:36

smart enough. I was just picturing you

1:28:38

going in the locker room. Hey, smart enough. But you texted

1:28:40

me something that was really, I was like, he's right.

1:28:44

Me and you watch football the same.

1:28:46

We really do. Watching it at your house,

1:28:48

that was the best. But you

1:28:50

said something to me where when the Patriot guy was yelling

1:28:52

on the sideline and

1:28:54

pointing, you were like, dude, this is not what the

1:28:56

Patriots do. And you're right. It's like it turns.

1:28:59

It seems

1:28:59

like they need to. Smarten up.

1:29:02

No coach went over there and told him to shut the

1:29:04

fuck up.

1:29:06

So that's the thing that kind of scare me. Like

1:29:08

I think, you know,

1:29:11

they're maybe they're just frustrated,

1:29:13

Paul. Maybe they're just frustrated. I don't know. I

1:29:16

don't know what it is. But

1:29:18

the memes with Josh McDaniel, there's there's

1:29:20

memes of like, you'll just see

1:29:22

like somebody outside of a gate going like this. And it

1:29:25

just says Josh McDaniel trying to get back in

1:29:27

the building. Oh,

1:29:31

yeah. He's gone

1:29:33

away to college only to move back home. Josh,

1:29:36

you said you were going to buckle down. You're

1:29:40

going to hit the books. What happened? All

1:29:43

right, dude, this is I'm not going to lie. This is a tough

1:29:45

week because all these teams, these are all good games. Do

1:29:48

Lions Chargers

1:29:50

fucking, you know, I mean,

1:29:52

I

1:29:53

don't know, dude, Saints, Vikings, both

1:29:56

two and a half, a lot of low lines, except the Giants, 16

1:29:58

and a half.

1:29:59

to say it, but I could see the Giants losing

1:30:02

that game by 30. I'm not touching that game.

1:30:09

I have to do this. This to

1:30:11

me is a no brainer.

1:30:13

I'm going to take the Raiders over

1:30:15

the Jets because the Jets

1:30:18

can't score and the Raiders have a new

1:30:20

coach and they're playing for a coach

1:30:23

that they seem to like. I saw

1:30:25

them smoking cigars in the locker room laughing. I'm

1:30:27

a fucking idiot. I knew you weren't going to take

1:30:29

the Patriots. Why did I take it first? Because

1:30:31

I wanted the Raiders too. I love the Raiders this week.

1:30:35

Yeah.

1:30:36

I

1:30:39

actually really enjoyed

1:30:41

like

1:30:43

that whole team dude. It's just a fucking

1:30:46

different team with that Raiders, that new coach.

1:30:48

His vibe is just fucking different. You

1:30:52

see he had all the guys from the taxi squad

1:30:54

standing on the sideline. He goes, why? They play all week

1:30:56

too. It's like, here we go. They're

1:31:00

finally going to, I don't know what's going on,

1:31:02

but their whole vibe fucking

1:31:05

changed.

1:31:06

They have fun goddamn team to watch and

1:31:08

they are loaded with talent. Dude,

1:31:11

that kid Max Crosby, dude, that

1:31:13

fucking defensive end. You can say

1:31:15

it, that fucking ginger. Yeah.

1:31:18

No, I heard it. I heard it. I heard it

1:31:20

too. The line's got to say

1:31:23

that tattooed ginger. No, dude, that guy

1:31:25

talking about disruptive. Dude,

1:31:27

that guy's a throwback man. That guy's

1:31:29

a fat guy. He's like man and his nickname

1:31:31

is Mad Max. I mean, it's incredible

1:31:33

that Max could have played in any areas. One of those

1:31:36

guys. All right, Paul,

1:31:37

I'm going to take the lines. Oh

1:31:39

my God. He's not shying

1:31:41

away. No, bye week.

1:31:45

Taking the lines. You know why, Paul?

1:31:47

Because the charges are the charges. Now,

1:31:49

usually the lines but I think this is

1:31:52

a new look line team and they win a game like this. They're

1:31:54

all rested up. I like their coach better.

1:31:56

I like the, I like the chemistry.

1:31:58

I just like the way they fuck.

1:33:59

in game three week

1:34:02

three against the Giants he can't

1:34:04

make all the like I think his size

1:34:06

I think his size is

1:34:08

part of a little bit of a different movie Doug

1:34:11

Slooty yeah see over the line

1:34:13

final score

1:34:15

okay

1:34:18

oh dude I got three favorites even though they're like pickums

1:34:21

I don't like that I usually don't do good when they're all the same

1:34:23

what do you got you know

1:34:25

I like the Cleveland Browns getting six

1:34:27

against the Ravens

1:34:29

oh shit

1:34:31

you can't lay off a Raven

1:34:33

game I never seen anything like it

1:34:37

no I just feel like the Cleveland Browns

1:34:40

are is to Sean Watson back whoever

1:34:42

the fuck I don't mean what's going on in Cleveland all I know is

1:34:44

they just fucking they played they

1:34:46

play well they're in every game

1:34:49

they're in every game and I don't know the Ravens I

1:34:51

mean they think you know yeah

1:34:54

I know I like listen I love the Ravens

1:34:57

and you know I love them to lose to the Chiefs

1:35:00

in the fucking AFC championship game

1:35:02

so little fucking

1:35:04

twinkle toes

1:35:05

I love Patrick Mahomes but I hate the way he runs

1:35:08

there's something about the way he runs I just cannot

1:35:10

get behind the Kansas City Chiefs his

1:35:12

knees touch

1:35:15

he takes little steps I don't know what it is Paul

1:35:18

looks like he's running his dad's shoes or something

1:35:21

it's just something about it I can't handle

1:35:23

it um dude

1:35:26

that's a great pick Browns

1:35:27

getting six getting

1:35:30

six to Sean Watson is back

1:35:32

and they have a good defense that's a great

1:35:34

pick man hey Paul he's rested and relaxed

1:35:36

if you know what I mean he's

1:35:41

always rested and relaxed he's always

1:35:43

rested and relaxed for

1:35:45

my fourth and final pick of week

1:35:48

number 10

1:35:49

I am going to take the Pittsburgh

1:35:52

Steelers minus three

1:35:54

against the

1:35:56

against the Packer team that is

1:35:59

just you know So

1:36:00

kind of not that good

1:36:01

this year with a new quarterback. I don't

1:36:03

know who they are. And I know that Mike

1:36:05

Tomlin is good at home. And I think the

1:36:08

Steelers need another win. So I'm going to take the Steelers,

1:36:10

getting three. And I'm really just basing

1:36:12

that off of the Steelers being home and not

1:36:15

on the road and the line being only

1:36:17

a field goal. So there you go. And we both love

1:36:19

the city of Pittsburgh. We both love the city

1:36:21

of Pittsburgh. It's an underrated city. Great

1:36:23

people, great food, beautiful bridges, great

1:36:25

baseball field. Good coach.

1:36:29

Joe Bartnax from there. There you go,

1:36:31

Randy. Randy Bauman

1:36:34

and Bill Crawford on TV. Yeah,

1:36:37

I mean, look. What's that to like, Paul? Mario

1:36:41

Lemieux. The way you're

1:36:44

sitting lets me know you're confident about your fourth

1:36:46

and final pick. You look very

1:36:48

good. Maybe there's no more

1:36:50

love in this relationship. And I don't give a fuck what

1:36:52

happens. You

1:36:56

know that guy whose wife yelled at him that he

1:36:59

doesn't give a fuck anymore?

1:37:01

What, you just going

1:37:03

to sit there? What, am I allowed to do

1:37:05

that? You're going to bitch about that too.

1:37:08

She immediately goes out and fucks her personal trainer

1:37:12

that he's paying for. I'm

1:37:15

going to take, I know, I've sort

1:37:17

of got these fucking situations. I

1:37:19

really lucked out in the wife's department. I

1:37:21

really did. I will say

1:37:23

this. I'm

1:37:26

taking the sense of Eddie Bengals, Paul.

1:37:29

I like a healthy Joe Burrow. And I want to watch the Bengals game,

1:37:31

because I really enjoyed watching that team play. They

1:37:33

fucking saw it on both sides of the ball. And every

1:37:36

ball, both sides of the ball, and fucking, everybody's

1:37:39

talking about the Ravens, Paul. You better watch

1:37:41

out, Paul. You better watch come playoff time. No,

1:37:43

they're going to be. You know, I think that they got, I

1:37:46

think they already, they already went to the ball.

1:37:49

You know, I think that they got, I think they already,

1:37:51

they already weathered their fucking storm.

1:37:55

They got the sails up.

1:37:57

They're starting to catch a wind, and here they come.

1:37:59

I'm Paul Dude,

1:38:02

but but but but but but but

1:38:04

but LSU

1:38:05

the Cincinnati Bengals are going to the AFC Championship

1:38:07

game for sure For

1:38:09

you. I don't like how you just took my fucking pick from

1:38:11

me.

1:38:12

No, it's your pick But I'm saying I don't like do you

1:38:14

think it's gonna be since today versus Ravens? Oh,

1:38:16

you just say the Ravens are gonna do great in the fucking regular

1:38:18

season.

1:38:19

No, no I'm talking about how the Ravens are good

1:38:21

now But I think Cincinnati will probably be back

1:38:23

in the AFC Championship game against the Chiefs

1:38:26

like they were last year

1:38:28

Literally what I just said

1:38:30

Did you I?

1:38:31

Just said you're talking about the fucking rate.

1:38:33

You know, I mean listen, you know, you're listening me anymore, Paul I'm

1:38:36

sorry. Sorry. I thought I just woke

1:38:38

up. Maybe that's why I thought I said,

1:38:40

I love the pic

1:38:41

I love the pole. What does Taylor Swift think about it, huh?

1:38:47

Dude, you know, she went around this fucking business

1:38:49

and went straight to AMC released her movie and

1:38:51

made like a billion dollars. I

1:38:53

Fucking love this shit. I mean I can't listen to her music.

1:38:55

I'm not gonna lie to you

1:38:57

Okay, I don't have access to crying anymore.

1:38:59

You know, so her music does nothing for me, dude

1:39:02

She's got a couple bangers dude. I'm

1:39:04

not gonna lie Does she

1:39:06

yeah, I mean I'm excited

1:39:09

with me I don't give

1:39:11

shit

1:39:12

Cuz I'm fucking strong woman. Ooby-doo-doo

1:39:16

No Dude

1:39:21

she's throwing nothing but shit right down

1:39:23

the fucking pipe to those for 15 year old

1:39:25

chicks Fucking brilliant She

1:39:29

ought to be on the cover of Forbes magazine Dude,

1:39:32

she's 30 years old crushing it Just

1:39:36

crush

1:39:38

No, dude, I don't mean writing hits I'm what

1:39:41

she's doing Oh in the business what

1:39:43

she's doing to them is what they're trying to do to us Paul

1:39:46

Yeah, good for that dude that deal They just

1:39:48

signed is only for fucking three years to and each time

1:39:50

they're gonna take more of a chunk out of that fucking AI

1:39:53

thing And then eventually you and I don't exist anymore.

1:39:55

But then you know, what's great is they're gonna use

1:39:57

the AI They're gonna use that that

1:39:59

AI

1:40:00

To get rid of each other and then there's just gonna

1:40:02

be one person left who makes all the fucking

1:40:05

TV And he just lays in bed and

1:40:07

all the money

1:40:08

They

1:40:23

are fucking sociopaths they're

1:40:25

fucking sociopaths and and for all you

1:40:27

regular people out there all you Hammond Eggers A.I.

1:40:32

Is not for you. It's for them It's

1:40:34

for them. They're gonna make this obsolete Paul.

1:40:37

Hey bill, but you want to know what a I'm not gonna be able

1:40:39

to do

1:40:41

Pick this next fucking game

1:40:43

pick these games like we do

1:40:45

Come on fucking AI. I got

1:40:47

it Hey, I doesn't

1:40:49

see it like

1:40:50

I see it You

1:40:52

know what you would get that sounds like what you're

1:40:54

gonna say is they lead you out in cups

1:40:57

and your AI Replaces it he doesn't see

1:40:59

it the way I do Ask

1:41:02

everybody loves me Nobody

1:41:07

had the Bears No,

1:41:09

you you can't progress some robot

1:41:12

the talk shit the way I do You

1:41:15

know why it comes from in here.

1:41:17

You can't you can't point the heart because I got you coming

1:41:19

to me That's

1:41:24

so fucking funny. Um, alright

1:41:26

bill We

1:41:28

have been coming so close to these specials

1:41:31

we have been coming so I mean we got everything

1:41:34

early And I texted bill in the second

1:41:36

quarter and I go Justin

1:41:39

Herbert touchdown throw Ecker scored they're

1:41:41

gonna

1:41:41

win the game and I'm like it's done

1:41:44

And he doesn't he doesn't do it because the fuck it

1:41:46

because the just The

1:41:48

just put no pressure on them because they can't score

1:41:51

and their defense was out there. Whatever anyway

1:41:54

Alright guys, so this week's Monday

1:41:55

night special the Monday night game

1:41:58

is the Denver Broncos at the Buffalo

1:42:00

Bills, the Bills are

1:42:03

given seven and a half points

1:42:05

to the Broncos.

1:42:10

I don't know, Bill, what do you think here? I know Russell

1:42:12

Wilson's your guy.

1:42:14

What do you think?

1:42:20

I think I hate this game because I

1:42:23

think the Broncos are good at it's a perfect

1:42:25

number. They're good enough to hang in there and

1:42:27

the Bills just keep tripping over their own

1:42:29

goddamn feet.

1:42:32

Josh Allen to throw one for sure, no?

1:42:35

Yeah.

1:42:36

Okay. You

1:42:39

want to do over under and not touch the spread?

1:42:43

What the fuck is going on with the, the,

1:42:46

the Bills five and four? I'm

1:42:48

all, you know what? I'm over those guys. I'm

1:42:51

over them. You know what? If I,

1:42:53

if I had to pick the game poll with seven and

1:42:55

a half, I'd take the Broncos. All

1:42:58

right. There's

1:43:01

something going on. I think like Vegas knows that

1:43:03

they're going to fucking show up and they got to have

1:43:05

just enough, just enough

1:43:07

fun. Like the bills are going to win, but

1:43:11

I don't think they're going to win by seven and up. And that wouldn't

1:43:13

surprise me if the fucking Broncos went. So

1:43:16

this dumb shit always happens.

1:43:18

Some halfless fucking team, all of a sudden

1:43:20

is a two game win streak in the middle of November

1:43:23

and

1:43:25

they just shit the bed for the rest of the season. You

1:43:27

know

1:43:27

what? I like the way you said that. I think you're

1:43:29

right. Let's

1:43:30

go. Let's take Paul. You're mistaking

1:43:32

my sleepiness for confidence this week. Just know

1:43:34

that.

1:43:35

All right, Paul, you're the one looking around corners.

1:43:38

I mean, Paul, you're crushing it so hard.

1:43:41

You're wearing a jersey of a sport. You don't even watch.

1:43:43

I mean, that's the level that you're strutting around right

1:43:45

now. I

1:43:49

didn't want to bring it up. I tried to wait, but

1:43:51

I just have to be like you

1:43:53

probably think that's an actual team in the fucking

1:43:57

I know it's a movie. I know.

1:44:00

But look, I got my name on the back.

1:44:03

That's fucking sacrilegious. Well,

1:44:06

I know, but it was a gift. And I figured,

1:44:08

hey, you know, Paul Newman. You

1:44:10

know, I like Paul Newman. That's

1:44:13

the jersey to get.

1:44:15

Because everybody has like one of the, the

1:44:17

Hanson brothers on the back. Yeah.

1:44:21

And get the Paul Newman one. But you don't get the guy that got, did the strip

1:44:23

tease.

1:44:24

Ha ha ha. All

1:44:26

right, so let's do that. We're going to do Josh Allen's going

1:44:28

to throw one.

1:44:30

I love Josh Allen. We're going to take

1:44:32

the points.

1:44:33

We're going to take the seven and a half points.

1:44:36

And now we need

1:44:36

a third. What should be the third? Should

1:44:39

the third be a Russell Wilson

1:44:42

throw touchdown?

1:44:45

I mean, we already took the Broncos, Paul. How far

1:44:47

into this fucking underdog shit are we going to go?

1:44:50

You don't think Russell will throw one?

1:44:53

I don't know. Do we need something safe? Like

1:44:56

Diggs takes score a touchdown or something?

1:44:59

Yeah. Yeah.

1:45:02

Yeah. No.

1:45:08

Andrew Themler says bury the under. But

1:45:11

I don't want to lose to that, you know?

1:45:13

I don't want to lose to that. Because if

1:45:15

it's a shootout. I

1:45:18

love the under. I think it's going to be a shit game.

1:45:22

Okay. This field, this has Thursday

1:45:24

night football written all over it. I don't know why.

1:45:26

No, it's Monday night though. I know, but

1:45:29

it feels like a Thursday night. It's like

1:45:31

it's going to be like a Thursday night game. All

1:45:33

right. You know what? We'll

1:45:35

do it. I like your instincts today. The way you said- Yeah, because

1:45:37

you know what? I know the bills need to fucking win everything,

1:45:39

but they can't fucking get out of their own goddamn

1:45:42

way. And I think they're getting a little frustrated in there.

1:45:45

The Broncos don't give a fuck. They

1:45:49

don't give a fuck. They don't even have their quarterback's phone

1:45:51

number. All

1:45:54

right. They're going to die. Gives a shit. Now

1:45:56

they're playing for their contracts next year, so they don't get let go.

1:45:59

Bill is not going to sing the Monday Night

1:46:02

Special until we hit one.

1:46:03

They

1:46:06

already sang Taylor Swift this week. I can't

1:46:08

fucking sing anything. Hey, Swifties,

1:46:10

no disrespect. Okay,

1:46:14

we're going to take seven and a half points

1:46:16

for the Broncos. We are going to take under 47.

1:46:20

Is that right, Andrew? Under 47,

1:46:22

seven and a half for the Broncos

1:46:24

and

1:46:25

Josh Allen to throw a touchdown. Is

1:46:31

that why we don't hit Paul? We always like fucking

1:46:34

bet the other team and then bet the other team's quarterback

1:46:36

to throw a touchdown.

1:46:38

So do you want to do it reverse? Do you want

1:46:41

to do all Broncos in the under? No, because

1:46:46

this is going to be the fucking week that happens. No,

1:46:49

no, we're going to, yeah. Hey Paul, you dance with who

1:46:51

brought you.

1:46:52

Well, there you

1:46:54

have it everybody.

1:46:55

Those are your picks for

1:46:58

week

1:46:58

number 10. It's

1:47:00

a pick them week. I call

1:47:02

week number 10 is the pick them week. This is

1:47:05

parody week. There

1:47:07

you have it. I'll show you how good the NFL product

1:47:09

is Paul. It's,

1:47:11

I got to tell you something, man. You don't

1:47:14

have to Paul. Sometimes you can keep your thoughts to

1:47:16

yourself. I

1:47:18

don't think

1:47:20

the officials, man, they were really on point

1:47:23

in that Jets game.

1:47:24

Like every time there was a call and everybody

1:47:26

booed, you'd see it. You just see the guy just pulled a

1:47:28

Jersey and the fucking cornerback is going. Yeah, I

1:47:30

did it. I was like, all right, it's good flags. Except,

1:47:33

you know, speaking of great officials, I watched

1:47:35

that video like three times before I went to

1:47:37

bed last night

1:47:38

with a Mets manager

1:47:41

comes running out of the dugout.

1:47:45

Tommy,

1:47:53

you know where I stand on that. Tommy, you know why I stand on

1:47:55

that. Come on, walk with me. That was

1:47:57

great. Wasn't it? Listen to me so I can hear what I'm saying.

1:47:59

That's my favorite line. Told

1:48:02

me, talk to me.

1:48:05

All right.

1:48:09

That's

1:48:10

it.

1:48:11

We did it. Oh, sorry.

1:48:15

Bring it down. I love that fucking,

1:48:17

I love that video.

1:48:18

You got to give us a shot. That cocksucker,

1:48:21

he said that too.

1:48:21

He went hard. He went, he looked right

1:48:23

at the runt. He went, you cocksucker.

1:48:26

And the up didn't throw him out because of that. I

1:48:29

think that kind of knew he was a cocksucker. Tell

1:48:33

me, walk with me, walk with me.

1:48:35

He said, I got to

1:48:37

listen to what I say. I didn't hear that part. Listen

1:48:39

to me so I can hear what I'm saying. That's

1:48:45

great. And then he goes, okay, it's good. You got

1:48:47

it out. You got it out. And then he just

1:48:49

sort of watches

1:48:50

the Mets manager walk, and then he just fucking peels

1:48:52

off. Like, all right, there we go.

1:48:54

Yeah, that's one of my favorite. That's probably

1:48:57

one of my favorite ones because it's the most candid one ever.

1:49:00

Rest

1:49:03

in peace, Bobby Knight, even though if that guy

1:49:05

was ever my coach's son, I would have.

1:49:09

Coach's son, your son's coach. My son's coach.

1:49:15

How about that? The Knicks, huh?

1:49:18

What happened?

1:49:19

Well, that kid came in that web

1:49:21

and Yama seven four kid from the

1:49:23

Spurs. And I

1:49:26

just like beating Greg Popovich. I'm not a Greg Popovich guy. How?

1:49:33

Coaching wise, he's great, but he's a dick.

1:49:36

He's a personal dick.

1:49:38

He's treated too many reporters

1:49:40

with disrespect. He's treated. Room of corners?

1:49:44

Like even Craig Sager, he was short with

1:49:46

rest his soul. He's just a he's just an unhappy

1:49:48

man. I could see it in his face. I know for a fact. I

1:49:52

know for a fact. Imagine if you had to fucking take questions

1:49:55

after you stand ups. I would be nice. So

1:49:58

I am.

1:50:01

Okay, after a tough fucking set, Paul.

1:50:03

No, yeah. Why did

1:50:05

you feel like you, you know, do you feel like maybe

1:50:08

you shouldn't have gone that hard on your wife on

1:50:10

stage? That's different.

1:50:12

They don't do that. They just- No, they're talking

1:50:15

about the game. They will be talking about your-

1:50:18

I know,

1:50:20

but when you see somebody just go like, hey,

1:50:23

man, you guys shot 34%, man,

1:50:25

any adjustments you're going to make, and he just looks at him

1:50:27

like, yeah,

1:50:28

we're gonna.