0:00

Okay . So some things are going well and

0:02

some things are feeling like this is

0:04

not . I don't think this is going to happen

0:06

right . So at the end of it , she's like

0:08

these are really our options . This is where

0:11

we are . Our options are IVF

0:13

, iui or egg donation

0:15

. She wasn't a fan of IUI IVF

0:19

. She was like you can do it . This

0:29

is where I don't know if you guys know , but ivf is not necessarily a guarantee either , but it's just what

0:31

they'll do . She was like my thought is that , since because due to you having such low eggs , we should if

0:33

you want to have kids , we need we should take those eggs out and kind

0:35

of fertilize it . We can't wait any

0:38

longer to see if you do

0:40

it naturally , basically . So

0:42

I was like well , how quickly do you think I'd have to do

0:44

this ? She was like I would start you like next

0:47

few weeks , month . I'm like oh okay

0:49

. She spoke about egg donation , which I

0:51

wasn't really clear on that . I can . I'm going to be

0:53

frank with you . I'm like well , what does that really

0:55

mean ? She's like essentially , we take

0:58

an egg from another woman and put

1:00

it inside you and your husband

1:02

. It's like that egg in your husband's

1:04

DNA . I was like , so am

1:06

I biologically involved

1:09

in this at all ? She's like , technically , no , you

1:12

would just be carrying the baby . And I'm like I don't really

1:14

like that option at all . Like I hope

1:16

not to get to that and it'll get

1:18

to that if you're adamant about having a child

1:21

but you don't have any eggs . So

1:23

I'm like , okay , she

1:26

broke down that IVS probably will cost

1:28

around 20K all in . Egg

1:30

donation would be about 30K , all in

1:32

the other thing with egg donation , I'm like , well , would the

1:34

child even look like me ? I mean , alani doesn't even look

1:36

like me . Now she was like , well

1:38

, we'll try to find like a woman that

1:40

looks like you kind of

1:42

, and work it way . And I'm like , okay

1:45

, yeah , that was an option that I really

1:47

didn't like and didn't want . So she said

1:49

if you ever get pregnant , you have to take lovinox

1:51

shots , basically to like thin your blood

1:53

, and you'll go from

1:55

there . So that was another

1:58

heartbreaking I won't lie

2:00

appointment , because it felt like

2:02

at one point I know that people do IVF

2:04

, but I also know that a lot of times

2:07

people say that it fails , and

2:09

so in the moment I'm like

2:11

, do I even want to do this

2:13

? Right , since I was there

2:15

. She said well , let me do another sonogram

2:18

to see if this egg had

2:20

dropped . That hadn't the last time , cause remember I

2:22

didn't get my cycle . And she said oh

2:24

well , um , it looks like the egg dropped

2:26

, so hope you've been having sex . So in the next two

2:28

weeks you either have , uh , your

2:30

period or you will be pregnant . So

2:32

that was on November 7th , the car ride

2:35

home . It really was a discussion about

2:37

do we want to do this

2:39

one ? Emotionally , I'm

2:41

like the way these emotions have dragged

2:43

me for the past five months . I

2:46

don't know that I want to put myself through

2:48

IVF and it not

2:50

being a guarantee , which it is not a guarantee

2:52

, which I guess anything in life is not , even

2:55

with having your child . Naturally it's not , but

2:57

I'm like that , the financial

2:59

side of it , the emotional side

3:01

of it , my body going through

3:03

that do we want to do that

3:05

? Are we happy with ? Just one

3:08

kid was kind of the discussion

3:10

and it's like , well , we need

3:12

to make a decision ASAP , but something

3:14

so important like that , it's like it's not a one-time

3:17

conversation . I can't just tell you right now

3:19

. We either of us me or Tony

3:21

like yeah , yeah , no , I don't . I just don't

3:23

want this . I don't want another kid , I don't know

3:26

right now . This is a lot

3:28

. We have to process it . But at the

3:30

same time , I'm like we don't really have time to

3:32

process this . Like we , based

3:34

on what she's telling me , like we need

3:36

to do this , like ASAP Cause

3:45

, in my thought , in my mind , I was like okay , this appointment was November 7th . Maybe in

3:47

the next two , three months like maybe March or something , march of 2024

3:49

, I can start this process . And she was like no , we can't wait that long . Like

3:51

we would need to start like now . So it

3:55

became that question

3:57

just between us of do you want

3:59

to do this , do you not ? You know what

4:01

? What do you think ? And we didn't have an answer . I'm

4:03

going to be frank with you . We didn't have an answer . Of course

4:05

, we level on and we're like maybe it's just

4:07

meant for us to have one child , maybe we

4:09

shouldn't go through this

4:11

, but we never really came

4:13

up with an answer either . So

4:16

another reason why I've really considered

4:18

, or I think I thought , more about

4:20

having more than one child was

4:23

because I was the only child , but I grew

4:25

up with a lot of cousins around

4:27

and it never felt lonely

4:29

. I've never wanted a sibling

4:32

, I think mainly because I had , you

4:34

know , family around . But us

4:36

living in Dallas we don't necessarily

4:38

have that . Yes , we have friends that have kids around

4:40

the same age definitely , but just the

4:42

amount of cousins that I've had , the amount of

4:44

different things and activities , the amount of different aunts

4:47

and uncles that I was around and different things

4:49

like that just didn't make me want

4:51

for that . So , with her being

4:53

kind of a bit secluded down

4:55

here , that was a thought for

4:57

us as well , like having a sibling

4:59

probably would be helpful for

5:02

her as well . So things that we were

5:04

considering . So , as mentioned

5:06

, this appointment was November 7th Not a good

5:08

day , I would say . November 16th

5:11

the doctor called and said you know , we'll

5:14

just have you start on a low dose of aspirin

5:16

in case you get pregnant . I don't really remember

5:18

the reason for the low dose of aspirin , but

5:21

every time I tell like a nurse , they

5:23

understand . So I don't remember the reason for starting it , but

5:25

every time I tell like a nurse , they understand . So I don't remember the reason

5:27

for starting it , but I think it just helps with you remaining pregnant . Uh , that was November 16th

5:29

and November 23rd

5:31

, thanksgiving day , I found

5:33

out that I was pregnant . So from November

5:36

7th of the doctor saying you got

5:38

to make a decision like of what

5:40

you want to do , to November 23rd

5:43

, what was that ? Two weeks , two and a half weeks

5:45

apart , things changed right

5:48

. But I ended and

5:50

I'll continue to talk more about what

5:52

this means or what happens now . I

5:54

ended last year saying to

5:57

Tony that

5:59

I need a therapist ASAP . Now

6:02

I am a therapist myself , but I have

6:04

never felt in my adult

6:07

, or even child , never in my life felt like I

6:09

need to see someone . Now , I'm not against

6:11

it . I feel like everyone can benefit from it , but the

6:13

way that I was . So , if you will

6:15

, I feel emotionally unhinged . Um

6:17

, last year I

6:19

felt like I need

6:22

to go speak to someone . I need . It's not

6:24

fear to . Of course I can talk to my husband

6:26

, but it's not fear to just pour

6:28

all of those emotions

6:30

and feelings onto him at

6:33

all times because it was coming up so

6:35

frequently for me . And

6:37

if he's not feeling that way , that's okay and I don't

6:39

need to . I don't want to always just push

6:41

that on him Like I need to go speak to someone

6:43

about what I am

6:45

going through . Right , that

6:47

was , that was my biggest thing and

6:50

to me that was alarming because

6:53

, like I said , I've just never felt that way . So

6:55

if I'm feeling this way , then it needs to happen

6:57

. You may ask well , did you see one

6:59

? At this point I have not , which I

7:01

still plan to and I still feel like I

7:03

should , because that it

7:05

was just a traumatic . It just felt traumatic . It

7:08

just felt traumatic , it felt draining

7:10

and hard

7:12

to even stay in that space , just

7:14

because you have all these other responsibilities

7:17

, primarily our daughter that

7:19

will come in and want

7:21

to speak , hug , smile

7:24

, and you have to be there , be there for them

7:26

. So the other question you may have is

7:29

so , what is the diagnosis ? What

7:31

, what , what did they say ? Like , what is your ? Uh , right

7:34

now my doctor is calling it an APLAS

7:36

pregnancy and that's A-P-L-A-S is

7:38

the acronym pregnancy . Even when I

7:40

told my PCP , she

7:43

was like writing it down I don't think she really understood

7:45

it either , and essentially it's like I have antibodies

7:47

that seem to affect pregnancy . So once

7:50

again , I asked my doctors okay , what does this mean ? Does this

7:52

mean I have this diagnosis for life ? Does it

7:54

impact me outside of pregnancy ? Like

7:56

, what , what do you ? What does this

7:58

mean ? And he's like , no , I

8:01

won't say it impacts you outside of pregnancy , but

8:03

if things were to come up in the future

8:05

, it was kind of the same thing of what the endocrinologist

8:08

told me . You kind of have an inkling

8:10

or somewhere to start for someone that

8:12

you may be seeing , a PCP or anyone that

8:14

you may be seeing . So it's

8:16

not a , it is a medical term . It

8:18

is a medical term . I won't say it's not , but

8:23

it's not necessarily that I would . Something that I'll be treated for if that

8:25

makes sense . If it doesn't

8:27

, I'm still kind of figuring things

8:29

out too , because I'm like that

8:31

doesn't make any sense . But right now it's basically

8:34

I'm being treated for it during pregnancy and that's it

8:36

. So knock on wood , right now

8:38

I have a bill of

8:40

health , right now I am not , there's

8:43

no concerns , and so what

8:45

now ? Just to kind of like wrap wrap

8:47

this up , I am six months plus

8:49

pregnant , thankfully . Uh , we've announced

8:52

this already . If you didn't know , since I was

8:54

20 weeks when I went to do the anatomy

8:57

scan , I've been seeing specialty doctor

8:59

. If you will a more , I

9:01

don't know . They

9:04

said it was a more intense sonogram because I am geriatric . You know it's

9:06

a geriatric pregnancy . I'm not

9:09

at a high risk pregnancy . So everything

9:11

is treading how it should be treading . They're

9:14

not concerned about anything . My

9:17

last pregnancy was knocking with a

9:19

smooth ride . This one has been

9:21

the same outside of how it started

9:23

. This one has been the same I

9:25

have been taking I don't know if you remember

9:28

the doctor fraternity doctor said I'm gonna have to take lovonaut

9:30

shots if I was to get pregnant

9:33

and my understanding of that

9:35

was I will take those shots maybe , for

9:37

I don't know , I thought maybe like two weeks or something

9:40

to help with the pregnancy . That

9:42

was incorrect . I have to take shots

9:44

every single night . So from

9:47

December 1st of 2023

9:49

until I am 37 weeks pregnant

9:51

, I do take a lovonaut

9:53

shot to my stomach

9:56

, which it is a blood thinner and

9:58

, once again , my understanding it helps

10:00

with helping me not to have a pregnancy

10:03

loss . So you're going to

10:05

ask the same question I asked my doctor so

10:07

if you're not on these , if you're

10:09

not taking these shots , does that mean that

10:11

you would lose the baby

10:14

? And no , the doctor specifically

10:16

said I'm going to be frank with you , we

10:18

don't know that . He's

10:20

like if you stop taking these shots or didn't

10:23

take this , do I think that you wouldn't make it through

10:25

and he is like no

10:27

, I think you possibly would be fine , but

10:30

there's a side of it that we know that

10:32

these shots do help with people to

10:34

remain pregnant . So we're just going to

10:36

have you do it and I was okay

10:39

with that . We both , me and Anthony , was okay with that

10:41

. It's a chance of , you know , taking

10:43

these shots and hopefully carrying

10:45

the whole way . So I have to take these shots

10:47

until 37 weeks and

10:50

then I won't take them anymore . So when I say

10:52

a shot , it is a needle to my stomach every

10:54

single night . So even though

10:56

things have turned out how I would want in regards to getting

10:58

pregnant , turned out how I would want in regards to getting pregnant

11:01

, there's still an emotional and

11:03

, I guess , a medical side of it that

11:05

continues throughout

11:07

this process . Now I don't know

11:10

that if I was to ever get pregnant again

11:12

, if I have to take these shots again

11:14

, I have no idea . I have not thought

11:16

that far . It

11:24

was just more along the lines of let's deal with what we have now and we can make a decision

11:26

from there . Right , so that isn't always easy . That has been a journey

11:28

for about , I want to say , two

11:30

, three months . Anthony did it for me

11:32

every single night and then I kind of went

11:34

on vacation by myself . So I had to learn to do it by

11:36

myself and I have been . Generally

11:38

it does not hurt . Sometimes it does

11:41

. Um , I have a lot of bruises , like by

11:43

my stomach , which the doctor said yeah , that's going to

11:45

be normal . You're pricking yourself every night , but

11:48

I'm willing to do it to keep my baby

11:51

alive and healthy . So

11:53

it kind of is what it is as

11:56

I continue this journey

11:58

of continuing to be pregnant . Of course , every

12:01

appointment feels anxiety

12:03

provoking . There is negative

12:05

thoughts , there is tears

12:07

, there's holding my breath . You know the appointment

12:10

of OK , we're going to test to make sure

12:12

. I think this is that 12 week where they do blood

12:14

work for chromosomes and you hope everything

12:16

is OK . And there's a 20 week anatomy scan

12:19

. And then there's the what else do they do ? The

12:21

gestational diabetes week

12:23

anatomy scan . And then there's the what else do they

12:25

do the gestational diabetes ? So every appointment , uh , which I don't feel like I felt this way with

12:27

with alani has really been difficult , like

12:29

night before , tearful night before

12:32

, trying to talk positive . In

12:34

my life I've never felt like I've had such

12:36

negative thoughts that I can't turn it off

12:38

and I

12:40

had to like find positive

12:43

affirmations for

12:45

pregnant women , that that experienced losses

12:47

, like . I had to go and find that and read that to

12:49

myself , because I do believe your negative

12:51

thoughts can become reality , which you think

12:54

tends to can become true . So I

12:56

tried to really block myself from continuing

12:58

to spiral down that path . So

13:01

at this point I am , you

13:03

know , truly thankful for technology

13:06

. I am thankful for medicine

13:08

to allow me to

13:10

be here . If it's the aspirin and the lovinox

13:13

shots that's allowing me to carry along , so

13:15

be it . At this time things have been

13:17

going well , baby is healthy , mommy is healthy

13:19

, and so hopefully it continues on

13:21

in that path . I think about you know , I had

13:23

an old co not old , sorry

13:25

, older co workers say to me when

13:28

she found out I was pregnant . She's like you know , congratulations

13:30

. I was never able to experience that . So you're really

13:32

lucky , congratulations

13:34

. And I said to myself I'm like in my head , I'm

13:44

like if you only knew what it took for me

13:47

to get here , but'm like she's right , she is right , I am really

13:49

lucky that I made it to this side . Was it easy ? No

13:51

, and I know that . You know they say

13:53

he gives things to like his strongest soldiers

13:55

and stuff like that , and I'm like I don't want to be a strong soldier

13:57

anymore . God , I don't want to be a testament

13:59

, I don't want to continue to have these struggles

14:01

, but when I think about it realistically , she

14:04

was correct in that I am lucky . It's not

14:06

ideal of how I would have ever

14:08

experienced this in my life , how I

14:10

would have ever thought this would happen in my life

14:13

, but it has been . I am happy

14:15

with being pregnant , right , and

14:17

something that has crossed my mind . I think . The

14:20

first time that I had a miscarriage

14:22

, and definitely this last

14:24

year , as we were going through through

14:27

it , all I said to myself , which

14:29

is not , I don't think , a positive thing

14:31

. You know , I've lived a really

14:34

pretty good life . You know , even

14:36

younger , even though my mother

14:38

was a single mother , I never

14:40

felt like I needed or wanted

14:42

. I felt like I had everything I needed and

14:45

wanted in life . And

14:47

when this happened , I'm like , oh

14:49

well , you know you can't go through

14:51

life with positive things , like something negative

14:53

has to happen . So I felt

14:55

like it was bound for you to experience

14:57

something negative in your life and this is why

14:59

this is happening Now . I don't think that's

15:02

a healthy way to think , but you

15:04

try to rationalize why

15:06

you're going through what you're going through , and that

15:08

was the way that I was . I was just saying

15:10

like , okay , well , this is the negative thing

15:13

. Like everybody has negative things . You have to be able

15:15

to deal with it . You're like you're gonna , you

15:17

have to make it through . You gotta remain strong

15:19

, so do I still feel that way

15:21

sometimes . I'll be honest that that thought

15:23

does cross my mind of not

15:26

necessarily that I deserve it I don't want to say

15:28

that but that something like I said

15:30

, something negative , was bound to happen . I

15:32

know that was a mouthful and let me drink

15:34

some water . Actually now I'm really thirsty . That

15:37

was a mouthful , but I did like . I started

15:39

this conversation , wanted to use this opportunity

15:42

to share what

15:44

2023 was like

15:46

, share what you never

15:48

know , what people are going through , educate people

15:51

on other things , comments

16:05

, and I will answer as I feel equipped to answer , or maybe emotionally , emotionally feel to answer

16:07

. If it's something that I find that may be too triggering , then maybe I won't , but I am at a place

16:09

now that I am able to talk about

16:11

it when before , if I even

16:13

started this conversation , my voice would have

16:15

been breaking and being tearful

16:18

. I even bought um box

16:21

of tissue just in case I became

16:23

tearful during this podcast . So I

16:25

hope that you got something

16:27

from me . I know this is different from

16:29

the usual podcast that we put

16:32

out , where it's about business and entrepreneurship

16:34

, but we also talk about more

16:36

than a side hustle podcast having

16:38

impact , and this

16:41

impacted our life tremendously . You

16:43

may feel like you know you've never been through it

16:45

, but I'm sure someone around you have been

16:47

through something , has

16:53

been through something with infertility or just struggles with pregnancy . So keep that

16:55

in mind when you're asking what are you waiting for to get pregnant ? What are you waiting

16:57

for ? The second child , the third child ? Just

17:00

think about what could be possibly

17:02

. So that's it for me . I

17:04

thank you guys for listening and tapping in

17:07

. I am proud

17:09

of myself for being able to kind of say this

17:11

story and obviously

17:14

, to my friends and family , I love you dearly

17:16

and , as I said from the beginning , it just

17:18

has been very , very difficult to

17:21

talk about it , but I did

17:23

want you guys to just

17:25

know how I've

17:27

been feeling . So thank you

17:29

to our listeners , thank you to everyone else

17:32

and

17:35

I am out . Thank

17:42

you for tapping in with us again . As

17:45

you know , we always ask , if you guys can , please

17:47

, please , go ahead and leave us five star review . Go

17:49

ahead and write something . If you're enjoying what we speak

17:51

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17:53

be sure to let us know that helps us to continue

17:56

to grow and for other people to listen

17:58

to our show as well . We appreciate it .