0:11

Hello everyone and welcome to more

0:13

than a side hustle podcast . This

0:15

is my first podcast by myself

0:18

ever . We've been doing this for over two years

0:20

, over a hundred plus episodes , and

0:22

this is the first time I'm doing one by myself

0:25

, so I am a little nervous . I'm

0:27

not even a nervous person , but I am a little nervous

0:29

about this podcast and just the topic

0:31

I'm going to be talking about . But I

0:33

think that it's important for our community and

0:36

just for people to hear , and there's no reason for

0:38

me not to share at this point . So

0:41

I want to share about our 2023

0:43

journey of getting pregnant

0:45

, as this is Infertility Awareness

0:47

Week , from April 21st to April 27th

0:49

. Now I had to write my notes

0:52

down to make sure I get everything across . If

0:54

you see me looking down , that's what's happening . Last

0:56

year , I was pregnant three times

0:58

, which means that I had two

1:01

miscarriages . So this podcast

1:03

I'll walk you through the emotions of it

1:05

all , just trying to figure it out , sharing

1:07

with you , educating others and maybe

1:09

those that have experienced the same thing

1:11

can relate as well . Now you may be

1:13

saying , well , I'm a man or I'm a woman

1:15

that's never experienced this before , so why

1:17

do I need to listen to this . I

1:20

think in our community , infertility or things

1:22

that come up isn't spoken about as much . So I think in our community

1:24

, infertility or things that come up isn't spoken about as much . So I think this is just

1:26

an opportunity to learn and hear more . It

1:28

also is a reminder that you never know

1:30

what people are going through . So always

1:33

those constant questions of

1:35

do you want another child , do

1:37

you even want a child , or anything

1:39

along those lines . Being

1:41

mindful of that I know sometimes it's

1:43

not coming from a negative place , but

1:46

it still can be very triggering and

1:48

then also , just maybe you can share

1:50

this with a loved one , then maybe you see

1:52

a different side of things that you've never

1:55

thought of before . So

1:57

I do have to address that . This will

1:59

be a shock for many people

2:01

in my life and Anthony's

2:03

life . I did not talk

2:05

about it to anyone

2:08

really . Of course , anthony

2:10

, my husband's fully aware of everything

2:13

that we went through . My best

2:15

friend was aware of the journey as

2:17

well , but even my mother , which is someone

2:19

that I would consider a best friend as well , knew

2:22

about these miscarriages , but not necessarily

2:25

this fertility journey

2:27

that we kind of went on after

2:29

that . So I

2:31

do just want to say this to say there

2:33

are some people I see I speak

2:36

to very frequently and

2:38

this had nothing to do

2:40

with you , right ? This had nothing to do with , like

2:43

, oh , I didn't feel comfortable telling you . It

2:45

more had to do with myself . It

2:48

was a very , very emotional

2:50

and difficult year . It

2:58

was just hard to speak about without crying . It just felt it's hard to just bring it up

3:00

out of nowhere . It just felt negative . It didn't really I don't

3:02

know how to explain it , but it's just not something that I want

3:04

to talk about at all until I'm

3:06

in a place now to speak about it and I

3:08

feel like this would answer questions

3:11

and I don't have to tell people individually . It's

3:13

more of me sharing , if you will

3:16

, diary type version , if you will but

3:18

also just letting my loved

3:20

ones know what I went , what we went through

3:22

and the whole process of

3:25

it all . So , like I said , it's not you , it's

3:27

me , but either way , let me

3:29

just let's kind of talk through

3:31

and walk through this journey

3:33

that we went through in 2023 . To

3:35

bring it back , I got pregnant

3:37

or found out , I guess , if you

3:40

will a week before Alani's

3:42

first birthday . I remember I think

3:44

her birthday landed on a Wednesday last year

3:46

in 2023 . And

3:48

literally a week before I found

3:50

out that I was pregnant , like

3:52

the Tuesday . I so happened

3:54

to be going to my PCP that day . They did

3:56

a urine test and confirmed

3:59

it . It was a Tuesday . On the Wednesday

4:01

Now I started bleeding and

4:04

I'm like , okay , what the hell is , this

4:06

Isn't good . But it felt like a , like

4:08

a . My mental cycle had started . Really

4:10

so couldn't . It

4:12

was at night , so I couldn't contact

4:15

my doctor . So the next day they

4:17

do a blood work , uh , acg test

4:20

, where they kind of test your levels . Your

4:22

levels get higher , as you know , the

4:24

further you on in your pregnancy and they're

4:26

like , yeah , this will be , we

4:28

would consider this a chemical pregnancy . So you

4:30

may say , what is that ? Because I had never

4:32

heard of it and she had to explain to me

4:34

. Really , it's kind of a woman . They

4:37

say not to test if you're pregnant unless

4:39

you are like eight days

4:41

after missing your cycle . I

4:46

had tested five days after . I mean , who in their right mind is waiting eight days ? But I had tested

4:48

five days after . And the reason they

4:50

say that is because , say , I

4:53

had waited those eight days , I wouldn't

4:55

even had known that I was pregnant , it just

4:57

would have been a late period . It would have been

4:59

a late menstrual cycle that happened . So

5:01

that's part of the reason . So , essentially , it's kind of

5:03

like I guess your body was gonna be

5:06

, but it was kind of making a decision if it was

5:08

gonna be pregnant or not . And with the chemical pregnancy

5:10

, it just means like got your period and that's

5:13

it . Like life just kind of went on

5:15

. So I really , to be frank with

5:17

you , didn't have any feelings about

5:19

that at the time . I just was like okay

5:21

, well and I've said this story before

5:24

back in 2020

5:26

, we had the first time I've ever gotten

5:28

pregnant . We had a miscarriage then

5:30

as well . So this time around

5:32

, with it being a chemical pregnancy , which was

5:34

a little different , I just was like

5:37

, okay , I didn't

5:39

really I don't know , I didn't feel as

5:41

sad about it as I thought I would have

5:43

. She said yeah , you got your period

5:46

. So life kind of just goes on . You know

5:48

, you continue to try to . Didn't

5:50

have to do any surgery , didn't have to take any pills

5:52

or anything like that . The next

5:55

month I got pregnant again

5:57

. So back to back technically

6:00

, I got pregnant , next month

6:02

I got pregnant , and this time I

6:06

got pregnant . Next month I got pregnant and this time , you know , once again , my doctor always

6:08

brings me in for ACG testing , where I'll go in on a Tuesday and then check

6:10

again on a Thursday and Friday to see

6:13

that the levels are going up , and it was

6:15

so we're like , okay , this seems

6:17

like it will work out . But if you didn't know

6:20

, you don't really go in for like a sonogram

6:22

until you're about nine weeks . So

6:24

at that time I think it was around

6:26

Easter of 2023

6:28

. And we had told my mother , but also

6:31

it's also like a precaution of but let's

6:33

just make sure we make it to the other appointment

6:35

. And then I also had went on a trip to

6:38

Napa Valley with friends and

6:40

my best friend was there . So I told her and

6:43

I once again I gave like a disclaimer

6:45

of don't get too excited , basically

6:47

, uh , and we went to that

6:49

nine week appointment and they

6:52

said , sorry , we don't see a heartbeat kind

6:54

of ended . It seems like it stopped at six

6:56

weeks , which is almost exactly what happened

6:58

the first time . So now at

7:00

this point , it's technically been three

7:03

miscarriages that I've had , but two

7:05

back to back and that

7:07

was , I don't know , round

7:09

shattering , I don't know . That one really

7:12

threw me for a loop , like okay

7:15

, made it feel , like okay , there's an issue happening

7:17

here . Why is this happening ? In

7:19

my head , I'm like okay , this is three

7:21

miscarriages Like what's going on ? I

7:25

had , I had my daughter in between that , one miscarriage , daughter , and then now

7:28

two back-to-back miscarriages Like what

7:30

is what's happening ? So that was

7:32

really really difficult . My doctor

7:34

just was saying you know , we're going to do some testing

7:37

. I can't remember the exact wording , but he

7:39

wanted to do basically some genetic

7:41

testing and if anything came back like

7:44

a flag I forgot the exact wording for it I'm

7:46

going to refer you to a fertility specialist . His

7:48

thought was you know , we just had two

7:50

back to back miscarriages and you are going

7:53

to be 35 . This is all happening

7:55

Maybe April of 2023

7:57

, I'm turning 35 at that point in December

7:59

. So he's like it's a concern

8:01

of mine . You know , if you didn't know , once

8:03

you hit 35 , it's considered a geriatric

8:05

pregnancy . So he was concerned

8:08

and I'm like fine , test , let's do what

8:10

we got to do . Something came

8:12

back on his flag where he's like on

8:14

the genetic testing that he did , and

8:16

he then referred me to the fertility

8:19

specialist so that I had to wait

8:21

like two weeks for his test , etc . Refer

8:23

me to this fertility specialist . If you didn't

8:26

know . When you're trying to see a specialist

8:28

, they're like booked out months

8:30

in advance . So I call and they're

8:32

like yeah , we are probably next appointment September . I

8:34

was like September . Are you kidding me

8:36

? I'm going to have to wait from April

8:39

May this is about April May , I think to

8:41

September to see the doctor . It didn't work

8:44

out that way because I just told him let me know if you

8:46

have any cancellations , right

8:48

? So during this time

8:50

it's an emotional roller coaster because

8:52

I am constantly crying

8:55

, constantly crying

8:58

, feeling sad . I won't say I got as

9:00

far as depressed , but I was just really , really

9:02

sad and I don't know if

9:04

I was upset , but just wondering what's wrong

9:06

with me , even though you know , you know it's

9:08

like it's not your fault , but these are

9:11

still things that flow through your mind

9:13

in the moment while you're going

9:15

through it . These are things that were going through my mind

9:17

of like what is wrong ? But when

9:19

you have another child it's very

9:22

hard to stay sad because then

9:24

your child comes running in looking for you

9:27

. But I would say , you

9:29

know , there were times where I'm just working

9:31

and I burst out crying and I'm like , okay , or

9:33

I'm on Instagram and I see someone get

9:35

pregnant . I'm like , oh

9:38

, they're so lucky to be just being

9:40

able to get pregnant . Mind you , I don't know what they're

9:42

going through , but that's visually how it

9:44

seems . Or I would just be laying in

9:46

bed crying , or I need some alone

9:48

time , or

9:51

I felt like some things were slacking in the household

9:54

. On my part , I would say

9:56

, even just with

9:58

Anthony , I just didn't feel as romantic

10:00

. I just was out

10:02

of it really

10:05

that time and I you just think

10:07

the worst essentially . So I'm thinking the worst

10:09

of okay , I won't be able to have

10:11

another child Now . Granted

10:13

, I am an only child , though

10:16

I never really had thoughts of , I've

10:18

, never was that person that I guaranteed

10:20

need three kids or two kids

10:22

, or whatever the case may be . I

10:24

just was like , if it happens

10:26

, it happens . I always knew I wanted a kid

10:28

, but I didn't know like how many . Right , I

10:31

always said three would be my max . I'm

10:33

not having more than that . If that one

10:36

may be fine for me , but I think

10:38

that when you can't have

10:40

something , it feels like you

10:43

really wanted even more . I don't know , but

10:45

in the moment it just really felt

10:47

heartbreaking , ground shattering

10:49

and just debilitating

10:52

, Like I , emotionally I just couldn't get

10:54

it together . I could not even speak about

10:56

what I was like really going through

10:58

. So that was probably

11:01

the hardest time . But it continues

11:03

to feel that way and

11:06

, in regards to how it was showing

11:08

up for other people , I didn't really

11:10

showcase that to anyone else

11:12

, just internally in my home . And

11:15

part of the reason why I didn't say anything

11:18

to my mother specifically

11:20

is because when

11:22

she listens to it she would agree she's

11:25

a very emotional person

11:27

to it . She would agree she's a very emotional person

11:29

in front , like very over the top . So I feel like it would

11:31

be it's hard for me to tell her and like , keep a straight

11:33

face because I'm going to be breakdown crying . She may

11:35

be breaking down crying and

11:37

I didn't want her to worry . Essentially I'm like I

11:40

don't really have all the facts yet , so I

11:42

don't want you to worry and kind of carry that if

11:44

you don't need to was my

11:46

thought around it really . So

11:49

that was happening and then I finally

11:51

got in and saw this doctor

11:53

in July , right . So

11:55

when I saw them they're looking at

11:57

my paperwork they're like okay , you

11:59

know , this process can take like four to five months

12:02

of what we need to . We need to test , which I

12:04

didn't know that . I figured that I was going

12:06

there and they'll do blood

12:08

work or sonogram or something and within maybe

12:11

three weeks to a month I would have an answer on what the

12:13

next steps are . That was my thought , but no

12:15

, she had to test like 12 weeks out . There

12:17

was so many different things . So I want to just talk through

12:19

some of the things that my doctor was

12:21

looking for or doing , I should

12:23

say , during that time . Now

12:25

, I'm not a medical professional

12:28

, so if there's different words used , I

12:31

will , I'll explain the things that I understood

12:33

and if it's wrong and you're like that's not

12:35

it , okay , that's

12:37

fine , but this is I'm just sharing . You know my

12:39

story . So I went there in July

12:42

and the first thing we did was like blood work

12:44

and the first thing she said to me she also did

12:46

a sonogram was that the only thing

12:48

I see right now ? She's like we

12:50

got to do blood work . We got to continue to do more extensive

12:53

things . The only thing that I see right

12:55

now is that you have few

12:57

eggs , basically like a small

13:00

amount of eggs smaller than your age should

13:02

have . Essentially , she's like that's

13:04

the only thing I can see based on looking at

13:06

this sonogram . And it's

13:08

funny because I started my cycle at

13:10

a really , really young age and

13:12

I was like , does that have to do with it ? Because

13:14

you know how they say you're born with a certain amount , so you probably

13:17

would end a little earlier . According

13:19

to her , she said no , but I still feel that

13:21

has something to do . Then

13:29

they had me start on birth control . Their

13:32

thought is that during this process they don't

13:34

want you to get pregnant because they want to get all

13:36

the answers that they can . And it's

13:38

like OK , understood

13:41

. So every time

13:43

I went it was some type of blood work . Can

13:45

I name every blood work that was being done

13:47

? Not necessarily , I was asking

13:49

them to let me know , but

13:52

I didn't really necessarily have an understanding

13:54

for every single thing that they tested

13:56

. One thing that came back was that

13:58

my beta was high . I

14:00

couldn't tell you what a beta is , but what she explained to me

14:03

was that my number was at 75 . And

14:05

if you're over 80 , then you need medications

14:07

to carry a baby . So that was

14:09

clear to me . I also did a fallopian

14:11

tube test , which is I

14:14

won't get into the details . It's pretty uncomfortable

14:16

, but it's basically to see liquid flowing

14:18

through and see that if your fallopian

14:21

tubes are working At this point

14:23

, only one side kind of flowed through

14:25

correctly , the other one didn't , but

14:27

they stated that wasn't a problem

14:30

because you only need one fallopian tube to

14:32

be working to have a baby or to get pregnant

14:34

and things like that . So I was off and on

14:36

of birth control for about a month and a half

14:39

, because they tell you when to stop , tell you when to start , tell

14:41

you when to stop , because you're looking for things . They only can

14:43

test things a certain day eight of this

14:45

and so it was kind of that as well

14:47

. So even during this process you may

14:49

be saying well , you know , even if it didn't work

14:52

, then then maybe you can get pregnant during

14:54

this time . And that wasn't the case , because

14:56

they made sure that within the next four

14:58

or five months that I , that I can't because of

15:01

these tests that they wanted to run . Then

15:03

they did a saline sonogram which , to my

15:05

understanding , was to just see a

15:07

clearer view of the uterus and everything

15:10

Like it was like pushing liquid into you so

15:12

they can really get a wider range

15:14

of things , and at that you

15:16

know when she did that . Once again , everything

15:18

looks great . So you

15:21

go through these mix of emotions , right , you're like

15:23

why is this happening to me ? But

15:25

then you're getting positive results

15:27

, if you will , you're like , okay , well , maybe

15:29

it's not that bad , but you're still worried

15:32

. Is is what I would say ? Like the worry doesn't

15:35

stop at any point . It doesn't stop because

15:37

I don't know for a fact what

15:39

this is . So every time you

15:41

know I would get a result and it's like

15:43

, okay , well , this actually looks good , this looks good

15:45

. I'm not seeing this . I'm not seeing this . So

15:47

I'm like you know why ? It's

15:49

like one . It's like why am I even here ? I remember

15:52

one time , even thinking to myself

15:54

as I was laying on the table one time

15:56

, like I felt like I don't belong here

15:58

. Right , but I am here

16:00

. So maybe let's just see what's

16:02

going on . And during this time , I would

16:04

say that Anthony or any time really , anthony

16:08

tends to look at the or

16:10

try to shed light on the positive side

16:12

of things , like , well , well , we don't know yet

16:14

, or it doesn't have to mean this , it

16:16

could mean this , which I love that

16:18

for him , but in the moment , you just feel

16:20

so negative . I'm like , yeah , but it could mean

16:22

the other thing , right , it could mean that

16:25

this isn't going to be the outcome

16:27

that we want . It's a 50 , 50 chance at this point

16:29

during this process , how it feels . It's a

16:31

50-50 chance at this point and these are the conversations

16:34

that we were having just

16:36

on top of me feeling very emotional

16:39

about it as well . Like I said

16:41

, they're doing blood work all the time and

16:43

you may be saying , well , what are they testing for ? They're

16:45

just testing for any genetic or autoimmune

16:48

disease or anything that could be contributing

16:51

to the pregnancy

16:53

losses . That's basically what the

16:55

point of the blood work and everything is

16:58

like . Do we see something medically

17:00

that we can say , okay , this is the

17:02

reason why you are having miscarriages

17:04

, and now we can treat it ? And

17:08

I'll continue to go through the story . But what made it

17:10

worse in the end is kind of like

17:12

they didn't , they didn't see

17:14

something that they can pinpoint as

17:16

to . This is what's happening and now we

17:18

can treat it . And I think about I'm

17:21

a mental health therapist and I kind of think

17:23

about people when they they talk about when they

17:25

finally get diagnosed with

17:27

a diagnosis and it feels great because it's

17:29

like OK , now I know what it is and now we can proceed

17:32

. And for , in this situation

17:34

, while you're waiting , each time and you're getting positive

17:36

news , it's kind of like , yeah

17:42

, but if we knew what it was , then we could treat it and kind of move

17:44

forward . That was my , my thought really behind it . So , um , towards

17:46

the end of September now

17:49

, uh , she you know , the nurse calls

17:51

me and said that my

17:53

anti-adrenal antibodies

17:55

came back positive . Okay

17:57

, thanks , but what does that mean ? You always

17:59

have to ask , like , what does that mean ? She's like

18:01

, oh , it possibly could mean an autoimmune

18:04

disease where your body's working against yourself

18:06

. Okay

18:08

, so now things are getting to

18:11

be shaky . So we started this in

18:13

July . Now we're at the end of September

18:15

and things are

18:17

taking a turn for a medical issue

18:20

. So she's like , I'm going to refer

18:22

you to a medical endocrinologist and

18:24

I'm like , ok , so

18:26

when I talk about the worry doesn't

18:28

stop , and I talk about that feeling

18:31

of you know why , me

18:33

and , like I said , you just

18:35

think the worst and some may say , well

18:37

, why are you thinking about , you

18:39

know , death or anything like that , when we were talking

18:41

about a pregnancy issue ? And I'm like , because it's in your

18:43

body and I can't really see what's going on . I just

18:45

know that there's a medical issue or a

18:47

medical concern , right , so refer

18:50

me to a medical endocrinologist Once

18:54

again with those specialties . You gotta wait I don't know four

18:57

or five months to see people . But she referred me to this person

18:59

and it was like a concierge practice , which is really

19:01

kind of like a private practice , which

19:03

is like $350 just to see this person

19:05

. Insurance doesn't cover it , etc

19:08

. And I said I was going to write a list of

19:10

um , how

19:12

much I think this process cost me . Yes

19:14

, we have insurance , but I

19:16

forgot to do it before getting on . But I

19:18

can do a guesstimate as to how much

19:20

money came out of my HSA

19:23

, fsa card account for

19:25

all these things that we went through . So

19:27

, on top of emotional things , there's the financial

19:29

side of it , which I do understand . Not

19:32

everybody is even able to afford

19:34

and do , depending on what type of insurance

19:36

you have , et cetera , et cetera . I get

19:38

there to the medical endocrinologist

19:40

and she's like why are you here , ok ? Well

19:43

, ma'am , I was referred by a

19:45

doctor that I think works , you know

19:47

, refers people to you generally . So

19:49

she's looking at the information

19:52

that my doctor doctor , I guess sent over and she's

19:54

asking me questions and she's like I

19:56

don't think you have , I don't think you

19:59

have autoimmune disease like I don't . I

20:01

don't think that that's what this is . I

20:03

said , well , that would be great for me

20:05

, but this is what my doctor said to

20:07

do , so are you gonna call her

20:10

tomorrow to kind of figure out ? So she's asking me

20:12

questions . She's like at this I'm working

20:14

out regularly . She's like you wouldn't be able to

20:16

go to the gym every day . You wouldn't be able to do some of

20:18

these things that you do daily . If

20:20

you had this , this autoimmune disease , you

20:22

would know that you had it . She's

20:25

like JFK had it . If you had something

20:27

like this , it would be detrimental to your life

20:29

. And I'm like okay , every appointment

20:31

, I feel like I'm crying in every appointment because

20:34

it never feels

20:36

like you're like , even though I'm getting

20:38

these positive results , but in the moment it

20:41

just feels like Jesus Christ , um

20:43

, what's going to happen now ? Like what's next

20:45

? Right ? So she was like you know , I'll , I'll

20:48

do more blood work and

20:50

test for these specific things to find

20:52

out if you do . And if you don't , then

20:54

no need to come back . You

20:56

know you can move forward with life if you

20:58

want to be mindful . I'm like I'm not going to remember

21:01

these things 20 years from now . If something does happen

21:03

. I may remember . I saw someone and

21:05

you said I didn't have these stuff , but I'm not

21:07

gonna remember everything . So she's

21:09

just like oh , if you want to be mindful of this , something to

21:11

consider . What

21:13

basically they were saying is that they do see

21:16

women with multiple losses to have

21:18

this autoimmune disease . And I think , because

21:20

it came back as a possible flag

21:22

to my doctor , she was like , let me just refer out

21:24

. It's kind of like you know certain doctors

21:26

or certain things like this ain't my . This is not

21:28

my part of the thing . I see something , let me just

21:30

double check . That's

21:38

what essentially . It turned out being a double check situation . So I'm down another hole of

21:40

thinking okay , my life is about to change . I have a medical issue . It's not even about this

21:42

child anymore . I have to be healthy for Alani and my husband

21:44

and my family . When I tell you

21:46

, my life is spiraling , it's spiraling and you

21:48

still have to show up to work every day . You

21:51

still have to show up as a mother . You still have to show up as

21:53

a wife . You still have to show up as a friend

21:55

, you still have to show up as a daughter , as

21:57

a cousin and all these things while

22:00

still dealing with this

22:03

big medical concern that you think could

22:05

possibly be happening . So once

22:07

that was cleared , cleared

22:09

up , I got like I did like

22:12

my last blood work in October and

22:14

then I had another sonogram because

22:16

after I remember

22:19

I said I was on birth control for about a month and a half

22:21

. After I stopped the birth control I didn't

22:23

get my cycle , which was

22:25

weird Generally . I

22:27

mean when I did it before for them , when I started

22:29

to stop , I stopped within three days . I you

22:32

know I had gotten my cycle . So it

22:34

had been like close to 30 plus

22:36

days at this point that I didn't

22:38

get my cycle . So they're like come in

22:40

, let's , let's do a sonogram and

22:43

see what's going on

22:45

. They call me and say it doesn't look like

22:47

your cycle is coming . We like we don't even see

22:49

a egg about to drop . So you have

22:51

two options you just wait for it to drop or

22:54

you can take birth control

22:56

to kind of rev it , not

22:58

rev it up if you will . But take birth control , stop

23:01

it and then you'll bleed , just like . But if you

23:03

do that , that's not necessarily you

23:05

getting your period , it's just for you to bleed , for

23:07

kind of peace of mind . So

23:09

I'm like , no , I feel like

23:11

I've been doing all this stuff

23:14

. I just rather just do it , you know

23:16

, on its own , like it will happen on its own

23:18

, which was still another mind

23:20

. I don't want to get cursed here , but still

23:23

a lot , because I'm like

23:25

I don't even feel comfortable going out because I don't

23:27

, in my head I'm like at any point I

23:29

could start , I could start bleeding here , like at any

23:31

point , I don't know when , when it's coming

23:33

. So that was a chance within ourselves

23:35

. So when I talk about these , like you're getting positive

23:38

news , but then these things are just kind of happening

23:40

. So had to go to this medical endocrinologist

23:43

. Now I'm not even getting my cycle

23:45

, which you know that if I can't get my cycle

23:47

then I apparently can't

23:50

even get pregnant . So like what is going on ? So

23:52

I decided not to do anything , just wanted it

23:54

to happen naturally and it

23:56

didn't come . But I'm freaking

23:58

out because I've had my cycle

24:00

, like I said , at a very , very young age and never

24:03

in my life have I missed a

24:05

month , never in my life . I

24:07

mean outside from . I was on

24:09

birth control consistently . So there were times that it was

24:11

missed , but I was on birth control , so that made sense

24:14

, but never just it

24:16

not coming , and I know . So

24:18

that was something that was really stressing

24:21

me out , cause I know the doctor was like , well , maybe

24:23

, and I'm like there is no maybe , because

24:25

I know that I've always gotten it , but , sure

24:28

, fine . So I am trying

24:30

to . I know there's times where throughout

24:32

this process , I'm just like trying to hold

24:34

it together and I just feel like I can't

24:36

. I feel like I want to know a

24:38

result but also , at the same time

24:41

, I don't know if I can

24:43

continue to like , feel like this and go through

24:45

this , because I'm feeling really , really

24:47

down and

24:49

just not feeling like myself . I should say

24:51

one , I do have emotions for those

24:53

of my friends that say say One , I do have emotions . For those of my friends that say I

24:55

don't , I do have emotions , but I'm really not

24:58

someone that cries a lot really

25:00

. So

25:03

this was something new for me to be feeling . And you may be saying oh well , you have all the

25:05

rights to . You're going through all through this . You're going through

25:07

a lot , which I agree , but it was still

25:10

difficult to go through . It

25:12

didn't feel like

25:14

what I'm used to essentially

25:16

, of

25:20

dealing with it and moving on , or dealing with it and having the answers . It

25:23

just didn't feel that way essentially

25:25

. So that was very difficult , right

25:27

. So now we're at

25:30

November 7th , which is my last

25:32

appointment . So if you walk through this

25:34

with me , this is from July . Well

25:36

, the miscarriages happened March

25:38

, april , july . I finally saw my

25:41

fertility specialist . From July to

25:43

November I am doing blood

25:45

work , saline , sonogram , fallopian

25:48

tube , endocrinologist

25:50

, extrasonic , like so

25:53

every other week or

25:55

every few weeks I'm coming to the doctor

25:57

and doing something from July

25:59

to November and it's

26:01

the last appointment . In the appointment we were there

26:03

to discuss it all Okay , like

26:06

we've gotten all the results that we needed , we've

26:08

tested everything that we need . This

26:10

is what I think we should do . That was the point of

26:12

this appointment after the past five

26:14

months . And I just remember the date

26:16

because it stood out , because I felt like

26:18

damn , this shit is far , this shit is really far

26:21

. It's November 7th . And she says

26:23

you know , like I said from the beginning , the first

26:25

time I saw you , I feel like your egg

26:28

levels are really low . It's not

26:30

necessarily the quality , it's just the quantity

26:32

of the amount of eggs that you have . We

26:34

see normal genetics , we see the uterus is fine . We

26:36

see the thyroid is normal . We think that your

26:38

ovaries might be starting to fail . So

26:40

she's like this could have been happening for a long

26:43

time . You just

26:45

didn't know about it . Because , of course

26:47

, I'm asking well , could this

26:49

have been seen before ? How

26:52

could we have addressed this or dealt

26:54

with this before ? And why did I have

26:57

such a knock on wood healthy

26:59

pregnancy with my first daughter ? Like , why

27:01

was that ? Why did that happen ? If I

27:03

have this issue and it's

27:05

not that she didn't have the answer , but essentially she's like

27:07

yeah , it's not something we would check for unless

27:10

we check for it . And it reminds me of

27:12

like , when people talk about they , they

27:14

take their car in for one thing sometimes

27:16

and then you take

27:19

it out and then something else happens . You're like how do y'all

27:21

not see this ? And they're like well , we didn't look for that , we just changed

27:23

the tire , we didn't look to see that

27:25

something else was going on , and so that's

27:27

what it kind of reminded me of . She's like we just had

27:29

no way to know , but it could have

27:31

been happening for a long time , or could this just

27:33

could be starting . There's no way to

27:36

really tell and I didn't mention this before

27:38

, but during the time of me not

27:41

getting my menstrual cycle for

27:43

that month , that had me kind of freaking out . I

27:46

didn't identify it as this , but

27:48

as I was describing it to her , she was

27:50

like , okay , you probably were having hot flashes

27:52

. So during this time I was

27:54

having hot flashes , I was experiencing

27:57

I just would become really hot , have

27:59

to turn on the AC overnight during

28:01

the day . I'm like , do you not feel this ? Are

28:03

you not feeling as hot as I am ? I would

28:05

tell Anthony , and when I was telling

28:08

her she was kind of like it's called like perimenopause

28:10

, like the start of menopause , really early

28:12

. She's like it sounds like that . One with me

28:15

missing my cycle , two , with

28:17

me having these hot flashes . I'm like okay

28:19

, okay , so some

28:21

things are going well and some things are feeling

28:23

like you know

28:26

, this is , this is not . I

28:28

don't think this is going to happen , right , um

28:31

, so at the end of it

28:33

she's like these are really our options . This

28:35

is where we are . Our options are IVF

28:38

, iui or egg donation

28:40

. She wasn't a fan of IUI , ivf

28:44

. She was like you know , you

28:46

can do it . This is . This is where I don't

28:48

know if you guys know , but IVF is not necessarily

28:51

a guarantee either , but it's just what

28:53

they'll do . She was like my thought is that since

28:55

, because , due to you having such low

28:57

eggs , if you want to have

29:00

kids , we should take those eggs out

29:02

and kind of fertilize it . We can't wait

29:04

any longer to see if you

29:06

do it naturally , basically . So

29:08

I was like well , how quickly do you think I'd have to do

29:10

this ? She was like I would start you like next

29:13

few weeks , month . I'm like , oh OK

29:15

, she spoke about egg donation

29:18

, which I wasn't really clear on that

29:20

. I can . I'm going to be frank with you . I'm like , well

29:22

, what does that really mean ? She's like essentially

29:25

, we take an egg from another

29:27

woman and put it inside you , and

29:33

your take an egg from another woman and put it inside you , um , and your husband , it's like

29:35

that egg in your husband's dna . I was like so am I biologically

29:38

involved in this at all ? She's like , technically

29:40

, no , you would just be carrying

29:42

the baby . And I'm like I don't really like that option

29:45

at all , like I hope not to get to that

29:47

and it'll get to that if you're adamant

29:49

about having a child but you don't

29:51

have any eggs . So I'm

29:53

like , okay , um

29:56

, she broke down that IVS probably will cost

29:58

around 20k all in . Egg

30:00

donation would be about 30k all in

30:02

the other thing with egg donation , I'm like , well , would the

30:04

child even look like me ? I mean , alani doesn't even look

30:06

like me . Now she's like , well , we'll

30:08

try to find like a woman that looks

30:11

like you , kind of . And , um

30:14

, work it that way . And I'm like , okay

30:16

, yeah , that was an option that I really

30:19

didn't like and didn't want . So she said

30:21

, if you ever get pregnant , you have to take lovinox

30:23

shots , uh , which basically is to like

30:25

thin your blood and you'll

30:27

go from there . So that was another

30:30

heartbreaking I won't lie

30:32

appointment , because it felt like

30:34

at one point I know that people do IVF

30:37

, but I also know that a lot of times

30:39

people say that it fails . And

30:42

so in the moment I'm like

30:44

, do I even want to do this

30:46

? Right , since I was there

30:48

, she said , well , let me do another sonogram

30:50

to see if this egg had

30:52

dropped . That hadn't the last time , because remember I

30:54

didn't get my cycle . And she said , oh

30:56

well , um , it looks like the egg dropped

30:59

, so hope you've been having sex so in the next two

31:01

weeks you either have , uh , your

31:03

period or you will be pregnant . So

31:05

that was on November 7th , the car ride

31:07

home . It really was a discussion about

31:09

do we want to do this

31:11

one ? Emotionally , I'm

31:13

like the way these emotions have dragged

31:16

me for the past five months . I

31:18

don't know that I want to put myself through

31:20

IVF and it not

31:23

being a guarantee which it is not a guarantee

31:25

, which I guess anything in life is not , even with

31:27

having your child naturally is not , which

31:30

I guess anything in life is not , even with having your child naturally is not . But I'm like

31:32

that , the financial side of it , the emotional side of it , my

31:34

body going through that do

31:37

we want to do that ? Are we happy

31:39

with just one kid was

31:41

kind of the discussion and

31:44

it's like , well , we need to make a decision ASAP

31:46

, but something so important like that

31:48

, it's like it's not a one time conversation

31:50

. I can't just tell you right now . We

31:52

either of us me or Tony like

31:54

yeah , no , I don't . I just don't want this , I

31:56

don't want another kid . I don't know right

31:59

now . This is a lot , we have to process

32:01

it . But at the same time I'm like we

32:03

don't really have time to process this , like

32:05

we , based on what she's telling me

32:07

, like we need to do this , like asap

32:09

. Because in my thought , in my mind , I was like

32:11

, okay , this appointment was November 7th . Maybe

32:15

in the next two , three months , like maybe

32:17

March or something , march of 2024

32:19

I can start to this process

32:21

. And she was like , no , we can't wait that

32:23

long , like we would need to start , like now . So

32:27

it became that

32:29

question just between

32:31

us of do you want to do this

32:33

, do you not ? You know what ? What do you think

32:36

? And we didn't have an answer . I'm going to be frank with you . We

32:38

didn't have an answer . Of course we level on and we're

32:40

like maybe it's just meant for us to have

32:42

one child , maybe we shouldn't go

32:45

through this , but we never

32:47

really came up with an answer either

32:49

this

32:52

, but we never really came up with an answer either . So another reason why I really considered

32:54

or I think I thought more about having more than one child

32:57

was because I was the only child , but I

32:59

grew up with a lot of cousins

33:01

around and it never

33:03

felt lonely . I've never wanted a

33:05

sibling , I think mainly because I had

33:07

, you know , family around . But

33:09

us living in Dallas , we don't necessarily

33:12

have that . Yes , we have friends that have kids around

33:14

the same age , definitely , but just the

33:16

amount of cousins that I've had , the amount of

33:18

different things and activities , amount of different aunts

33:21

and uncles that I was around and different things

33:23

like that just didn't make me want

33:25

for that . So , with her being

33:27

kind of a bit secluded down

33:29

here , that was a thought for

33:31

us as well , like having a sibling

33:34

probably would would be helpful , um

33:36

, for her as well . So things that we were

33:38

considering . So , as mentioned , this

33:41

disappointment was November 7th , not a good day

33:43

, I would say . November 16th

33:45

. The doctor called and said you know , we'll

33:48

just have you start on a low dose of aspirin

33:50

in case you get pregnant . I don't really remember

33:52

the reason for the low dose of aspirin

33:54

, but every time I tell like a nurse

33:56

, they understand . So I don't remember the reason

33:58

for starting it , but I think it just helps with you remaining

34:00

pregnant . Uh , that was November 16th

34:03

and November 23rd

34:05

Thanksgiving day I found

34:07

out that I was pregnant . So , from November

34:10

7th of the doctor saying you got

34:12

to make a decision , like of what

34:14

you want to do , to November 23rd

34:17

what was that ? Two , two

34:19

weeks , two and a half weeks apart . Things

34:21

changed Right , but

34:23

I ended now and I'll continue

34:25

to talk more about what this

34:28

means or what happens now I

34:30

ended last year saying to

34:32

Tony that I

34:35

need a therapist ASAP . Now

34:37

I am a therapist myself , but I have

34:40

never felt in my adult

34:42

, or even never in my life , felt like

34:44

I need to see someone . Now I'm not against

34:46

it . I feel like everyone can benefit from it , but the

34:48

way that I was , so , if you will

34:50

, I feel emotionally unhinged . Um

34:53

, last year I

34:55

felt like I need

34:57

to go speak to someone . I need . It's not

34:59

fear to . Of course I can talk to my husband

35:01

, but it's not fear to just pour

35:04

all of those emotions

35:06

and feelings onto him at

35:08

all times , because it was coming up so

35:10

frequently for me . And

35:12

if he's not feeling that way , that's okay and I don't

35:14

need to . I don't want to always just push

35:16

that on him Like I need to go speak to someone

35:19

about what I am

35:21

going through . Right , that

35:23

was my biggest thing and to

35:25

me that was alarming because

35:28

, like I said , I've just never felt that way . So

35:30

if I'm feeling this way , then it needs to happen

35:33

. You may ask well , did you see one

35:35

? At this point I have not , which I

35:37

still plan to , and I still feel like I

35:39

should , because that it was

35:41

just a traumatic . It just felt traumatic . It

35:43

just felt traumatic . It felt draining

35:45

and hard

35:47

to even stay in that space , just

35:50

because you have all these other responsibilities

35:52

, primarily our daughter that

35:54

will come in and want

35:57

to speak , hug , smile

35:59

, and you have to be there , be

36:06

there for them . So the other question you may have is

36:08

so , what is the diagnosis ? What , what ? What did they say ? Like what is your ? Uh , right

36:10

now my doctor is calling it an APLAS pregnancy and that's A-P-L-A-S

36:13

is the acronym pregnancy . Even when

36:15

I told my PCP , she

36:18

was like writing it down , I don't think she really understood

36:20

it either , and essentially it's like I have antibodies

36:23

that seem to affect pregnancy . So once

36:25

again I asked my doctors okay , what does this mean ? Does

36:27

it mean I have this diagnosis for life ? Does it

36:29

impact me outside of pregnancy ? Like

36:31

what , what do you ? What does this

36:34

mean ? And he's like , no , I

36:36

won't say the impacts you outside of pregnancy , but

36:38

if things were to come up in the future

36:40

, it was kind of the same thing of what the endocrinologist

36:43

told me . You kind of have an inkling

36:45

or somewhere to start for someone that

36:47

you may be seeing , a PCP or anyone that

36:49

you may be seeing . So it's

36:51

not a , it is a medical term . It

36:54

is a medical term . I won't say it's not , but

36:56

it's not necessarily that I will be

36:58

something that I'll be treated for If

37:00

that makes sense . If it doesn't

37:02

, I'm still kind of figuring things

37:04

out too , cause I'm like that

37:07

doesn't make any sense . But right now it's basically

37:09

I'm being treated for it during pregnancy and that's it

37:11

. So , knock on wood , right now

37:13

I have a bill of

37:15

health . Right now I am not . There's

37:18

no concerns , and so what

37:20

now ? Just to kind of like wrap , wrap

37:23

this up , I am six months plus

37:25

pregnant , thankfully . Uh , we've announced

37:27

this already . If you didn't know , since I

37:29

was 20 weeks when I went to do

37:31

the anatomy scan , I've been seeing

37:33

specialty doctor . If you will a more

37:35

, I don't know . They said it was a more

37:38

intense sonogram because I

37:40

am geriatric . You know it's a geriatric

37:42

pregnancy . I'm not at a high

37:44

risk pregnancy , so everything

37:47

is treading how it should be treading . They're

37:49

not concerned about anything . My

37:52

last pregnancy was knocking with a

37:54

smooth ride . This one has been

37:56

the same . Outside of how it started

37:59

. This one has been the same I

38:01

have been taking . I don't know if you remember

38:03

the doctor fraternity doctor said I'm going to have to take

38:05

lovonaut shots if I was

38:07

to get pregnant and my understanding

38:10

of that was I will take those shots maybe

38:12

, for I don't know , I thought maybe like two

38:14

weeks or something to help with the

38:16

pregnancy . That was incorrect

38:18

. I have to take shots every single

38:20

night . So from December

38:23

1st of 2023 until

38:25

I am 37 weeks pregnant , I

38:27

do take a lovonaut shot to my

38:29

stomach , which it is

38:31

a blood thinner and , once

38:33

again , my understanding it helps

38:36

with helping me not to have a pregnancy

38:38

loss . So you're going to

38:40

ask the same question I asked my doctor . So

38:42

if you're not on these , if you're

38:44

not taking these shots , does that mean that

38:47

you would lose the baby

38:49

? And no , the doctor specifically said

38:51

I'm going to be frank with you , we

38:53

don't know that . He's

38:56

like if you stop taking these shots or didn't

38:58

take this , do I think that you wouldn't make it through

39:00

? And he is like no , I

39:02

think you possibly would be fine , but

39:05

there's a side of it that we know that

39:08

these shots do help with people to

39:10

remain pregnant . So we're just going to

39:12

have you do it and I was okay

39:14

with that . We both me and Anthony was okay with that

39:16

. It's a chance of you know , taking

39:19

these shots and hopefully carrying

39:21

the whole way . So I have to take these shots

39:23

until 37 weeks and

39:25

then I won't take them anymore . So when I say

39:27

a shot , it is a needle to my stomach every single night and then I won't take them anymore

39:29

. So when I say a shot , it is a needle to my stomach every single night . So even though

39:31

things have turned out

39:33

how I would want in regards to getting

39:35

pregnant , there's still an emotional

39:38

and , I guess , a medical side

39:40

of it that continues throughout

39:43

this process . Now I don't know

39:45

that if I was to ever get pregnant again

39:47

, if I have to take these shots again

39:49

, I have no idea , have

39:56

not thought that far . It was just more along the lines of

39:59

let's deal with what we have now and we can make

40:01

a decision from there , right ? So that isn't always easy . That has

40:03

been a journey for about , I want to say

40:05

, two , three months . Anthony

40:07

did it for me every single night and then

40:09

I kind of went on vacation by myself . So I had to learn

40:11

to do it by myself and I have been

40:13

. Generally it does not hurt . Sometimes

40:16

it does , um , I have a lot of bruises

40:18

, like by my stomach , which the doctor said , yeah

40:20

, that's going to be normal . You're pricking yourself every night

40:22

, um , but I'm willing

40:24

to do it to keep my baby alive

40:27

and healthy . So it kind

40:29

of is what it is

40:31

as I continue this journey

40:34

of continuing to be pregnant . Of course , every

40:36

appointment feels anxiety

40:39

provoking . There's negative

40:41

thoughts , there is tears

40:43

, there's holding my breath . You know the appointment

40:45

of okay , we're going to test to make sure

40:47

. I think this is that 12 week where they do blood

40:49

work for chromosomes and you hope everything

40:51

is okay . Then there's a 20 week anatomy

40:53

scan and then there's the what else do they do

40:56

? The gestational diabetes

40:58

. So every appointment which

41:00

I don't feel like I felt this way with , with Alani

41:03

, has really been difficult , like

41:05

night before tearful night before

41:07

trying to talk positive

41:09

. In my life I've never felt like I've had such

41:11

negative thoughts that I can't turn it off

41:13

and I had

41:16

to like find positive

41:18

affirmations for

41:20

pregnant women that that experience losses

41:22

, like I had to go and find that and read that to

41:24

myself , because I do believe your negative

41:27

thoughts can become reality , which you think

41:29

can become true . So I

41:32

try to really block myself from continuing

41:34

to spiral down that path . So

41:36

at this point I am , you

41:38

know , truly thankful for technology

41:41

. I am thankful for medicine

41:43

to allow me to

41:46

be here . If it's the aspirin and the lovinox

41:48

shots that's allowing me to carry along , so

41:50

be it . At this time things have been

41:52

going well , baby is healthy , mommy is healthy

41:54

, and so hopefully it continues on

41:57

in that path . I think about you know , I had

41:59

an old Not old , sorry , an

42:01

older co-worker say to me when

42:03

she found out I was pregnant . She was like , you know , congratulations

42:06

. I

42:14

was never able to experience that . So you're really lucky , congratulations . And I said to myself I'm

42:17

like in my head , I'm like , if you only knew what it took for me to get here . But I'm like , she's right

42:19

, she is right , I am really lucky that

42:21

I made it to

42:23

this side . Was it easy

42:25

? No , and I know

42:27

that . You know they say he gives things to like his

42:29

strongest soldiers and stuff like that . And I'm like I don't

42:32

want to be a strong soldier anymore , god . I

42:34

don't want to be a testament , I don't want to continue

42:36

to have these struggles . But when I think about it

42:38

realistically , she was correct . In

42:40

that I am lucky it's not ideal of how

42:42

I would have ever experienced

42:44

this in my life , how I would have ever thought

42:47

this would happen in my life , but it has

42:49

been . I am happy with being

42:51

pregnant , right , and something that

42:53

has crossed my mind , I think the first time

42:56

that I had a miscarriage , and definitely

42:58

this last year , as

43:00

we were going through through it all

43:02

, I said to myself which is not

43:05

, I don't think , a positive thing . You

43:07

know , I've lived a really pretty good life

43:09

. You know , even younger , lived a really pretty good life . You know , even younger

43:12

, even though my mother was a single

43:14

mother , I never

43:16

felt like I needed or wanted

43:18

. I felt like I had everything I needed and

43:20

wanted in life . And

43:22

when this happened , I'm like oh

43:24

well , you know you can't go through

43:26

life with positive things , like something negative

43:28

has to happen . So I felt

43:30

like it was bound for you to experience

43:33

something negative in your life and this is why

43:35

this is happening Now . I don't think that's

43:37

a healthy way to think , but you

43:39

try to rationalize why

43:41

you're going through what you're going through , and

43:43

that was the way that I was . I was just

43:45

saying like okay , well , this is the negative

43:48

thing . Like everybody has negative things . You have

43:50

to be able to deal with it . You're like you're going

43:52

to have to make it through . You've got to remain

43:54

strong . So do I still

43:56

feel that way Sometimes . I'll be honest that

43:58

that thought does cross my mind of not

44:01

necessarily that I deserve it I don't want to say

44:03

that but that something like I said

44:05

, something negative , was bound to happen . I

44:07

know that was a mouthful and let me drink

44:10

some water actually Now I'm really thirsty . That

44:12

was a mouthful , but I did like . I started

44:15

this conversation , wanted to use this opportunity

44:17

to share what

44:19

2023 was like . Share

44:23

what you never know what people are going through

44:25

. Educate people on other things

44:27

. If there's , I guess , additional

44:29

questions that some people may have

44:31

, you can write it in the comments

44:33

and I will answer as I

44:35

feel equipped to answer , or

44:37

maybe emotionally , emotionally feel

44:39

to answer . If it's something that I find that may be too

44:42

triggering , then maybe I won't , but I am

44:44

at a place now that I am able to

44:46

talk about it when before

44:48

, if I even started this conversation , my

44:50

voice would have been breaking and being

44:53

tearful . I even bought a

44:55

box of tissue just in

44:57

case I became tearful during

44:59

this podcast , so I hope

45:01

that you got something from me

45:03

. I know this is different from the

45:05

usual podcast that we put out , where it's

45:07

about business and entrepreneurship , but

45:10

we also talk about more than a side

45:12

hustle podcast having impact

45:14

, and this impacted

45:16

our life tremendously . You may feel

45:19

like you know you've never been through it , but

45:21

I'm sure someone around you have been through

45:23

something , has been through something with

45:25

infertility or just struggles

45:27

with pregnancy . So keep that in mind when

45:29

you're asking what are you waiting for

45:31

to get pregnant ? What are you waiting for the second

45:33

child , the

45:40

third child ? Just think about what could be possibly . So that's it for

45:43

me . I thank you guys for listening and tapping in . I am proud

45:45

of myself for being able to kind of say this

45:47

story and , obviously

45:49

, to my friends and family , I love you dearly

45:51

and , as I said from the beginning , it just

45:53

has been very , very difficult to

45:56

talk about it , but I did

45:58

want you guys to just

46:00

know how I've

46:03

been feeling . So thank you

46:05

to our listeners , thank you to everyone else

46:07

and I am

46:09

out .