0:06

Whenever we pick our subject , you

0:09

just think it's funny when I'm the one signing on the

0:11

subject , not you , it's

0:19

not me today . I'm

0:21

like , all right , our topic is

0:23

Our

0:26

topic is my life . I

0:29

think my topic is everybody's life . But

0:31

I think , yeah , right now I'm like , fuck

0:33

, all

0:37

right , here we go , welcome

0:39

to Motherland . I don't even know what they're in

1:01

for .

1:04

So today we are talking about why

1:06

is healing so hard ? Yeah

1:09

, that's the end of the episode , so we'll see you all next week

1:11

.

1:12

I know , because it sucks , because

1:15

we're not born perfect . I don't

1:17

know . Do you think we're born perfect ?

1:18

I think we're born whole .

1:20

I don't like the word perfect , I

1:23

do . So you think we're born whole

1:25

and then all of a sudden we just kind

1:27

of a society with parents

1:30

. Everything comes in and programs

1:32

us and then

1:34

we're just a shit storm that has to

1:36

fix itself .

1:38

I think it's a combination of things . I

1:40

also believe in past lives , so

1:42

I think there's also lessons

1:45

that we're born into . So

1:47

I think that's also a factor . And then

1:49

there's the factor of the

1:51

family that you're born into , and

1:54

the parents you've chosen

1:56

or the people that you've chosen to

1:58

bring you into the world , are not necessarily the

2:03

people who are your caregivers when you grow up . I

2:08

think society is a big part of it

2:11

. Who's around you , who's supporting you

2:13

? Who sees you Right ?

2:16

I think I do believe in

2:18

past lives and I think that we

2:21

sign up for our contract

2:23

before we come down on the lessons that we need to

2:25

learn or things we need to heal . I'm

2:29

trying to ask in myself , as I'm asking

2:31

this question , as I'm saying it out loud even

2:34

though we may be born with , let's

2:36

say , lessons to learn or things

2:38

that we're supposed to fulfill , are we born

2:40

whole ? I

2:42

think my answer to that is in some aspect

2:45

, yes and in some aspect no . That's

2:49

part of the journey , but

2:54

I don't think that our life is supposed

2:56

to be I'm going to use the word perfect . I

2:58

don't think our life is supposed to be perfect

3:00

. I think that would be boring anyways .

3:03

I think perfection is a construct of

3:05

colonization , if you want me to .

3:07

I think it's a trauma . I

3:11

teach on trauma all the time , and perfection is a

3:14

form of trauma . That's a whole other

3:16

idea of what that is . But

3:19

yeah , I guess , when we talk

3:22

about spirituality , I think , like we've

3:24

said it before in past episodes , that people step into spirituality

3:26

thinking we're about to go on to this perfect , amazing

3:29

, beautiful journey , and then it's quite

3:31

opposite . At times of that , we

3:34

get into situations where we

3:36

are trying to heal or we're trying to grow

3:39

, and then we're finding ourselves

3:41

back into what we thought . Maybe

3:43

we moved past or it's not as

3:45

easy as I know . This

3:47

choice or this person , relationship , work

3:49

, whatever it is , is not healthy for

3:51

me . Therefore , I choose otherwise , we

3:55

make a choice otherwise , but I

3:57

think we have to realize that the choice you made in

3:59

the first place to be in the situation that you're in

4:01

came with a load of beliefs . It

4:04

came with a load of beliefs . It came with a

4:06

load of stories that you told yourself

4:08

that you somehow needed that situation

4:11

or whatever it is that you were in . So

4:13

when you choose to make a change in your life

4:15

, like I tell people , you literally have to

4:17

reprogram your brain again and it's hard

4:20

, and then you think you're doing good and

4:23

we go along and we do well

4:25

, and then something triggers you . And

4:27

then you're triggered and you're right back . You're

4:29

like I thought we worked through this shit , I

4:31

thought I was done with this , I thought I didn't feel

4:34

this way anymore . I

4:36

don't know .

4:38

Yeah , I

4:42

don't think I even went on a spiritual

4:44

healing journey on purpose . I think

4:46

that also causes .

4:48

I didn't either . Proper growths , right

4:50

, right .

4:51

Because you don't realize that that's the journey that

4:53

you're on . So there's resistance , unconsciously

4:55

, I think . When I went on

4:57

a , my first intentional

5:00

healing journey was when I went into therapy

5:02

. I

5:06

was suicidal for a while and

5:08

even spent some time in a hospital , and so

5:10

I wanted to get well , and

5:12

I've mentioned this in other episodes . I made a choice

5:14

to say I'm going to get well . So

5:17

that was an intention , right , like that

5:19

was a focus . I spent time in therapy

5:21

and investigated

5:23

things and while

5:26

I felt better , I

5:29

don't think I would have called a healing . I

5:31

think I was just out of a crisis .

5:34

I don't think that when we're really healing , that we realize

5:36

we're healing . I think that takes some type of an awareness

5:38

or perspective that we have maybe later on , but

5:40

I think during the midst of it it's really hard to sit back and

5:43

be like I'm healing .

5:45

No , I think no , because I

5:47

really think the difference for me when

5:49

I was in therapy , it

5:51

was to get me out of a crisis , because I

5:54

was at rock bottom . The

5:58

reason I wanted to get better was

6:00

because I didn't want to embarrass my family

6:03

and I didn't want to embarrass myself . It

6:05

was not around the fact

6:07

that I wanted to get well , it

6:10

was . This is not a good

6:12

look . This

6:15

is not a good look for the people that

6:17

I surround myself

6:19

with , and I didn't want

6:21

to ruin my career . I was all

6:23

around . Image Like this is

6:25

not a way that I need to look and

6:28

that is why I think the big part of why

6:30

I intentionally went down this path

6:32

, like I need to get my shit together

6:34

but it wasn't necessarily

6:36

because I wanted to feel good and

6:40

I functioned , my career , flourished

6:42

. All of those things , everything that

6:44

I said I wanted to do , I ended up accomplishing

6:47

. I was

6:50

spiritually

6:52

bankrupt still .

6:54

Yeah , I'm listening to you and I'm like having

6:56

a like . This is what I find interesting about what she

6:58

said . When I chose

7:01

this journey , I'm sure I made

7:03

a choice somewhere , right that I was like this is my spiritual

7:05

journey , this is what I'm going to do . I chose it

7:07

not to heal . It was never about healing

7:09

, it was about whatever

7:11

. That's a whole nother story in itself . On how I got

7:13

there , it wasn't until years later

7:16

that I was

7:18

going through my own depression

7:21

and suicide spot

7:23

of just like I hate my life . I

7:25

hate it so bad . You know , I wanted to end

7:27

life . World will be easier . I'm just not

7:29

a part of it . Like it was so

7:32

bad . And I just remember sitting

7:35

there crying and crying . I literally

7:37

remember just huddling in the corner , crying

7:39

because I was tired

7:41

of the image I held . It

7:43

wasn't about the image of

7:45

for others from , I guess it was

7:48

, but I was holding the image for others . But I was tired

7:50

of holding that image . And

7:52

that's where I was like I

7:54

don't want to do this anymore . I

7:56

don't want to be this image that

7:58

somehow I got assigned in this life

8:01

and I need to figure out what that looks like

8:03

for me . But

8:05

that's for me where everything started was

8:07

because , like you were saying , like you may start making

8:09

choices based on like oh , I was worried , you know , for

8:12

other people , or I thought about what other people thought of me I

8:14

did . But I also was like I was so tired

8:16

of giving a fuck , like I was like I'm done .

8:19

That is when I think I

8:21

shed the external wanting

8:24

to stop . I couldn't carry that

8:26

anymore . That , I think , happened when

8:28

Eric got killed in Iraq . And

8:30

I think that's when it became

8:32

very clear to me that I

8:35

realized that life was short and I

8:37

did an evaluation of my life , and

8:40

that's when I realized that I was not happy

8:42

. I may have been successful , but I wasn't

8:44

happy , and it

8:46

was the first time that I dare

8:49

to even ask myself what

8:52

do you want ? Yeah , that's a

8:54

big one . Who do you want to be

8:56

? Is this the life that you want ? And

8:59

the answer was a resounding no . And

9:02

I think that's when I started to explore

9:06

yeah , that's

9:08

the same .

9:09

I mean , that's kind of what came out of me , like I

9:11

was just like who am

9:13

I and what do I desire ? And

9:16

I think I kind of always knew . But I had

9:18

told myself I wasn't allowed to be this

9:21

person , I wasn't allowed to have these thoughts

9:23

or I wasn't allowed to choose myself in

9:25

my culture , like you're not as a woman

9:28

, you were taught you weren't allowed to choose yourself right

9:30

, submit to your husband , be

9:32

a good wife , do all these things

9:35

I

9:38

wanted out . And

9:40

the day I wanted out . So I think for me

9:43

that healing process

9:45

was I

9:49

had to let everything go . So

9:52

I let everything go . So I think that's why , when I'm like , why is

9:54

it so hard ? It's because when

9:56

you truly heal I think it's like you said

9:58

you have to ask your questions of what do you want ? What

10:01

do you want for yourself ? What does that look like ? You

10:03

know , forget the book definition

10:05

, forget the family definition , forget society's

10:08

definition , like what you want

10:10

, what does that look like for you ? And

10:12

it's scary as F to really figure

10:14

out what that looks like , because it means you

10:16

have to give yourself permission to do that , because

10:19

once you give yourself permission to see

10:21

what it even looks like so

10:23

much harder to forget that .

10:26

Yeah , I think

10:28

there's also this , this

10:31

idea , especially for

10:33

for us as black and brown people

10:35

, when we want to

10:37

go on this journey , and I think of

10:39

my own discovery of yoga

10:42

and meditation practices that

10:44

I found so healing and transformative

10:46

and they were taught through this lens

10:48

of dominant culture , so practices

10:51

that I felt like were helping me were also

10:53

hurting me because of how they were taught . Yeah

10:56

, so I was balancing that , and

10:58

then , on top of it , the

11:00

I think , the colonized

11:02

ways of thinking around healing , that healing

11:04

is somehow linear and it's not linear

11:07

. And that you know we think we're

11:09

supposed to get someplace and that it's all done

11:11

. And then recognizing like no , indeed

11:13

, it is never all done and it's

11:15

two steps forward , one step back . It's

11:18

happening in time , it's not happening

11:20

at all . And I

11:22

think a lot of what

11:25

I considered healing was recognizing

11:28

that I needed to

11:30

unlearn a lot of the things

11:32

that I had learned and

11:34

reconnect

11:36

with , I think , with wisdom

11:39

that was always there , but I just

11:42

I didn't trust before .

11:47

Yeah , do you think people are waiting for like

11:49

some miraculous thing to occur during this

11:51

healing process ?

11:53

Absolutely . Yeah , yeah

11:55

, I do . I think people think

11:58

I think I thought

12:00

too , you know , and

12:02

it can be confusing because sometimes big

12:04

things do happen , right , and I remember one

12:07

of the first times I did a meditation and it

12:09

was , like , you know , psychedelic

12:12

and

12:15

is . Does it always have to be like this Like

12:17

? Is it always this big sort of like going down

12:19

a wormhole ? And you know , I

12:23

let me talk from my

12:25

perspective I think I thought it needed to

12:27

be big all of the time and

12:29

I slowly started to realize that

12:31

the healing wasn't necessarily in

12:34

what I was doing , but it was

12:36

recognizing when something came up that

12:38

I didn't respond the same way that I did before . And

12:40

that's when I was like , oh okay

12:42

.

12:43

I see , I think that goes in

12:45

the sense of talking like how everyone kind of

12:47

bypasses our pain , like

12:49

you know , and that's part of the healing , like we're like why is it

12:51

so hard ? Because we've trained ourselves to not to

12:54

bypass your pain , like to not look

12:56

at it right , to retreat from the

12:58

discomfort , and

13:01

so I think that's why it's like when you truly start

13:04

stepping into this , we're

13:06

no longer stepping away from the pain , but

13:08

we're allowing ourselves to go into

13:11

the pain . And that's

13:14

hard and you

13:16

know , to really allow yourself to feel something when

13:18

you really think about like you've

13:20

probably never felt this before .

13:24

And even and

13:27

I and again , like I think

13:29

, thinking about us as black

13:31

and brown people , part

13:33

of it is is that we are actually

13:35

so used to pain on some level , historically

13:42

and individually

13:44

, that when we bump

13:46

into pain as

13:49

we begin to explore emotional

13:51

and psychic wounds , we

13:53

have been so dysregulated to

13:55

pain that we don't know what to

13:57

do with it . So we completely retreat

13:59

, right , like there's this , like no

14:02

, I'm not doing like , I do

14:04

this already all the time . Why

14:06

do I have to do this now ? So

14:09

, because

14:11

we don't have conversations around

14:14

the pain that we carry

14:16

regularly , because of just existing

14:19

in society , we're reluctant

14:21

to explore the necessary

14:24

part of pain that's a part

14:26

of healing , because we haven't

14:28

allowed ourselves to grieve the

14:30

pain that we carry . That is an hour is

14:33

an hour , responsibility , yeah , and

14:35

so I think the bypassing can be different

14:38

, for for us , in some ways

14:40

, right Like

14:42

, and it almost feels okay to bypass

14:44

, but it's not , and that's the challenging

14:47

part that it is

14:49

completely unfair of what's happened

14:51

to our communities collectively

14:54

, socioeconomically , all

14:56

of those things , and we

14:58

still have to do the work , you know and

15:01

I'm laughing because I was thinking about this the other day , in the sense

15:03

that there was something that was coming up , and

15:06

I

15:09

don't know what it was .

15:10

I was watching something . I was talking about

15:12

redlining . I

15:15

was thinking about the fact of how

15:19

many people don't

15:21

like their situation , but

15:26

there's nothing to it . Do you know what I mean ? You

15:28

don't like it , but that's what it is

15:30

at the end of the day , and we just

15:32

live with it . I

15:35

was thinking about it and thinking about it in relations

15:38

. I don't know if people know what redlining

15:40

is . I don't even know what that is , but I'm

15:42

pretty sure you do . You're educated .

15:45

I'm talking educated person .

15:48

Basically , to sum it up , everyone that's listening I have to remember

15:50

our listeners don't always know what we're speaking about

15:52

. Black and

15:54

brown people were not allowed

15:56

to purchase or live in certain areas

15:59

of , I'm going to say , the country . Actually

16:01

, even though I'm in San Diego of the country

16:04

, they were only allowed to purchase homes

16:06

in one area . These

16:09

areas were not the best areas . It's where

16:11

people built , industrialized them

16:13

, maybe , didn't build parks . They did a lot of things

16:16

in these areas . That's why , even

16:18

now , predominantly , if you go into certain parts of the

16:20

world or in the country , in the US , you'll

16:22

see where most people are situated

16:24

and there's a reason for that . There's a reason for that

16:26

you were literally not allowed to purchase

16:28

property if you weren't white

16:31

. That's

16:33

redlining , because the lines on the

16:35

map are red FYI . That's why

16:38

it's called . I think I summed it up as basically

16:40

as like a basic .

16:41

I think that's yeah , it's

16:44

a really smart , accessible explanation

16:46

.

16:47

When you're talking about , when we're

16:49

talking about the signs of like , I'm not allowed to

16:51

feel . This is a great example

16:53

of that . This is a great example of it because

16:55

I was just thinking about the other day . I'm like , yeah , nobody was really

16:57

taught to feel . I think back to my own upbringing

17:00

, especially being raised by my grandfather , where

17:02

it was weak , you don't complain

17:04

, we don't complain . Suck it up

17:06

, you deal with it and you move forward . Just

17:09

be better . That was always the thing . Be

17:11

better then .

17:14

Don't air anybody's dirty . We don't air our

17:16

laundry , we don't . But you can be better . Be

17:18

better than others . Don't talk about this Like

17:21

, even if there were things to talk . You

17:23

don't talk to strangers about

17:25

our business . You know there's . I

17:27

think communally that was

17:29

a big part of the conversation , and

17:32

also healing practices

17:34

that were created

17:36

by Black and Brown people were also appropriated

17:39

, repackaged and sold back to us

17:41

.

17:42

Are we talking about relevance now , like

17:44

that's what it is now Exactly

17:47

?

17:47

And so it's like . This is

17:49

another reason why it's so hard . Right , there's

17:52

individually why the reason's so hard . There's

17:54

historically why the reason's so hard , and

17:57

I think it requires patience

18:00

that we don't

18:02

always have because of , you know , our

18:04

society and

18:06

gentleness , as well as

18:09

a discipline and a

18:11

rigor Like there's . There's like you need

18:13

to do both . You need to be gentle in

18:15

places and then you need to be disciplined

18:18

and show up in places , and I think often

18:20

we I

18:22

wanted to give up and keep talking about me

18:25

. I wanted to give up in the places

18:27

where I should have kept

18:29

going and rested , and kept

18:31

going in places where I should have rested

18:33

, and I think that is because I wasn't

18:36

, I wasn't unpacking

18:38

or unlearning so much of what I learned

18:40

and embodied inside . That was self-loathing

18:43

, yeah .

18:45

I teach that a lot to people , especially a lot to my

18:47

clients and students is allowing themselves to slow

18:49

down and take a step back . It's like you

18:52

may see yourself healing and you may be like on

18:54

this really great path of it . Maybe

18:56

you guys are doing really good of it and you can see the change coming , or

18:58

your desires or your dreams right up ahead

19:00

and we want to rush to it . So bad Like

19:02

I just want to go like , oh , I'm

19:04

good with change , I embrace change

19:06

. I'm you know we've heard this right , Like

19:09

I'm great with change , but

19:11

you're only great with change when you're choosing to

19:13

rush past things

19:15

. Right , Like I'm great with change , but just

19:17

let me hurry up and just get there and then I'm good

19:19

. Well , why , Like

19:21

, what about all the in between moments that

19:24

you actually have to let yourself slow

19:26

down ? Um , so it makes you question

19:28

are you good with change ? Are you really because you're trying

19:30

to rush into whatever that

19:32

next step is or whatever that that

19:34

looks like right ? So

19:37

I don't know . I just thought about it .

19:39

No , you're right , and I think also

19:41

we're good with change

19:43

when we choose the change . We aren't good

19:45

with change when it's not changed that we chose

19:48

.

19:48

I know , I know , but

19:51

you're like . The fact is , in my like I don't

19:53

care , my own situation always comes up . But like I'm

19:55

good with change , I chose this change

19:57

. But wait , I think it was going

19:59

to look like this , like

20:02

this isn't what I thought

20:05

it was going to be .

20:08

I was told there would be no math on this exam

20:10

.

20:10

Wait a minute . Like , hold on . Like

20:14

this is not what I signed up for at

20:16

all . Like there's

20:18

and there's no going back . It's

20:22

just like I , there's

20:24

not even a fucking map . Like I

20:26

want , I want the map . There's

20:29

no fucking map . I don't know what

20:31

the hell I'm doing . Like

20:33

and honestly I hate it , Like

20:37

the Virgo in me hates

20:39

it . I'm like give me the recipe

20:41

, give me the structure , give me the order

20:43

. Like you said , not everyone's

20:45

, everyone's . Healing looks different . I know this . I

20:47

teach it all the time . Like , at the end of the

20:49

day , I can teach it to you , I can read

20:52

you , I can call in your guides , but for me

20:54

, I'm just aft , Just aft . I'm

20:57

like all right , I'm walking a blindfold

20:59

right now and I , I

21:02

don't like it , I don't

21:04

like it .

21:05

We teach what we need to learn . We do

21:07

, we do . We

21:10

teach what we need to learn . I , I

21:12

. I am

21:14

in a very I mean yeah

21:16

but I think we

21:18

all struggle and I think it's . I

21:22

think we would benefit

21:25

if we had more conversations

21:27

around the discomfort and

21:29

not pretending that it all looks a certain

21:31

way , and I think that's what I appreciate

21:34

about you and us and

21:36

what we're talking about , that we talk

21:38

about the messiness of it all and

21:41

that it's . It's uncomfortable

21:44

because it's supposed to be .

21:46

I think that's the real of it . There is , like you

21:48

said , like it's uncomfortable because it's supposed to be , and

21:51

I think that's where we get in trouble with ourselves when

21:53

we're healing , because we go back , because we seek that

21:55

comfort in whatever unhealthy

21:57

way that looked like . We seek that comfort

21:59

Right , right , like , even

22:01

, yeah

22:03

, like I was telling you right now , like my season

22:05

in life right now and learning how to just

22:07

be right , like I'm learning how to surrender

22:10

, I'm learning how to

22:12

, you know , be by myself in a way

22:14

. But I know 120%

22:17

I can find some unhealthy match right

22:19

now to be super comfortable

22:21

in . Like

22:23

I can go back you know what I mean

22:25

Like I can , like , I

22:27

can find comfort , but

22:31

no , we're not , and

22:33

you might even enjoy it for a little while . Yeah

22:36

, I might enjoy it

22:38

for a little while and I might be like this is

22:40

it , and I might try to create those stories and

22:42

those beliefs again that this is exactly

22:44

where I need to be , where

22:47

I need to be because I'm comfortable in it . Right

22:50

, this is the joy . Look at the joy , this has

22:52

to be right and because

22:54

I'm comfortable in it . But , as I'm hearing

22:56

my guide say , you know , expansion

22:58

is growth , like I know I'm double saying

23:01

the same word , but you know what I mean and

23:03

in order to expand means that you have

23:05

to move past that uncomfortability and

23:07

you have to allow yourself to look at . Okay

23:09

, well , let me look at what this

23:11

can look like . Let me look at what you

23:13

know . The other side is that makes me

23:15

literally crawl in my skin and be

23:18

like , like I said earlier , before we

23:20

recorded I don't know what the F I'm doing

23:22

, but I'm

23:24

figuring it out . You know I'm figuring

23:27

it out .

23:28

So , yeah

23:30

, and I don't think

23:32

that anything in our history what

23:38

are ways that you're taking care of yourself

23:40

as you're going through this transition

23:42

right now ?

23:43

trying to listen to myself on what makes me happy

23:45

. I really do

23:47

prioritize my . I saw that post

23:49

the other day and I loved it . I

23:51

loved it . Which one , I don't know which

23:54

one Post about joy , oh Post

23:56

about joy and being happy .

23:58

I thought that really , that really I felt that inside

24:00

my body when I was reading that . That really

24:02

resonated with me .

24:04

Yeah , my posts have been resonating with a lot of people

24:06

, even though , like I said , they're not my typical

24:08

posts . Everybody's been like liking them , I

24:10

think , because I'm just being real but

24:13

just letting myself be happy and whatever that

24:15

looks like . I think that's like you're like , what are you doing

24:17

? Well , like for me one , I back

24:19

into working out like crazy . I like

24:22

working out that . I find joy in working out . I find

24:24

joy in pushing my limits in my body . It's

24:27

psycho and crazy , but I really do . Like

24:29

my trainers are even like what are you doing

24:31

to rest ? Because you like to just go hard

24:33

and intense , but that's my joy . I'm the crazy

24:35

one boxing for real . I'm the crazy one lifting

24:37

like hard that's

24:40

my joy . And then just doing

24:42

me in whatever

24:44

way , and even in the sense , like you're like , what are you

24:46

doing for yourself ? Like , yeah , I'm dating , you

24:48

know , but like

24:50

taking bold moves in that you

24:53

know , and allowing myself to

24:55

be vulnerable , as weird as I'm saying this

24:57

out loud , there is some kind of joy in

24:59

that too , because like

25:01

, okay , I don't

25:03

know if I'm really dating anymore , I don't know , but that's a

25:05

whole nother story or topic . I don't want to go there , so

25:08

, but I think that's the way I'm

25:11

redoing my home . My

25:13

wall is getting painted soon . I just

25:15

redid my whole bathroom myself . I'm all

25:17

on my own shelves .

25:19

For people who aren't watching right

25:22

now . It's a lavender

25:24

, it's really bright purple grape almost

25:26

. Right now it looks

25:29

lavender on the . Xanthum so yeah

25:32

, okay .

25:33

So my wall behind me is a very dark purple

25:35

. You probably seen it on Tik Tok or lives , and

25:37

I'm painting it a gray . I want

25:39

, I like a gray . I'm going more of a muted , like

25:43

a slate almost , but

25:45

, and I'm rearranging so like I wallpapered

25:47

my bathroom by myself , I

25:49

put up my own shelves

25:52

with a drill gun , like there's things

25:54

that I'm just like this is what I

25:56

, that's my own way . So when you're like , what

25:58

do you do ? Like be

26:00

me , be me and whatever

26:02

day , and if that's some days that I'm call

26:04

those girls and I'm like let's grab drinks and

26:06

we can have great adventures , like you know , this

26:08

last weekend , go to Burbank for the day and then

26:10

go to Santa Monica for the day , and then , you

26:13

know , just

26:15

do whatever I can do . In

26:17

this part of the moments , that's my joy . I guess

26:20

I

26:22

don't know . They answer the question

26:24

.

26:24

No , you did . I think that's helpful . You

26:28

know , and I think what

26:30

? What I heard is that

26:32

understanding

26:35

what makes you feel a

26:37

sense of joy in the moment

26:39

is really important , and

26:42

it may not look like what other people , what it

26:44

looks like for other people , and I think that's okay and

26:46

that's when we really know that

26:48

we are . We're moving for us and

26:50

not for other people's expectations

26:53

.

26:53

Yeah , I've even changed my work

26:55

Like I don't even feel like I'm flowing with

26:57

work like I used to , you know , because

27:00

I just feel lately I can't even work unless

27:02

I'm fully

27:04

in it .

27:05

Yes , you

27:08

know , yes , yeah , yes

27:12

, because we've talked about that . I

27:16

feel part

27:19

of what I'm . I recognize

27:21

now that I used to say yes

27:23

to everything because I thought I had to and

27:26

I don't think that served anyone . So

27:29

now I'm I'm

27:31

really discerning

27:34

about what I say yes to , yeah

27:37

, and I think that

27:39

comes from a place of healing

27:42

, right Like I don't think I'm healed

27:44

, but I don't think I'll ever be healed Cause there's always

27:46

trauma and things that happen to you . You know what I mean . It's

27:48

not like we're stagnant .

27:50

It's not like Do you really

27:52

always think there's going to be new trauma ? I

27:54

mean , I don't think that . I don't know . I

27:56

think I'm taking on trauma . I feel like I'm

27:58

here .

27:59

There will always be opportunities that come

28:01

up and because life is

28:03

not stagnant , that there

28:05

will be things that will trigger me , like

28:08

grief , for example . Um

28:10

, you know I saw your

28:12

post and I was yeah before . Yeah , that

28:14

day before yesterday . I think it's a great example

28:16

. You know I was . It's

28:19

a New York , you have alternate side

28:21

of the street parking so I had to move my car . So I'm

28:23

sitting and I'm driving up the block

28:25

overcast day , really chilly , classic

28:27

fall day on the East coast have my

28:29

coffee and as soon as I pull up

28:32

, mpr was like playing some jazz . The

28:34

steering wheel was cold and

28:36

I could smell the coffee and

28:39

I just , um , I lost it for

28:41

a second because it really hit me like , oh

28:43

shit , my dad is not coming back . Is

28:45

this yesterday ? Yeah , day before

28:47

.

28:47

Yeah , I have to tell you what happened

28:49

. Go ahead .

28:51

So it was yesterday and you

28:54

know , my dad's been , my dad's been gone for four years

28:56

. But in a moment , just in

28:58

that moment , it felt like , oh my

29:00

God , like I just found

29:02

out , you know , and for you know , if you've lost

29:04

somebody , you know , this is part of Greek and that's

29:07

and I think that's what I mean . It's not

29:09

like I feel like I'm gonna be making the same mistakes

29:11

, but things will always arise that

29:13

allow you to recognize that things

29:16

will always come up . And I was . You

29:18

know , it wasn't like it took me under

29:20

, but it really was just like oh yeah

29:23

, this is with me forever

29:25

. And I felt like he was . I'm

29:28

using my hands if you can't see

29:30

me , I'm using my hands because I felt

29:32

like he was in front

29:34

, like he was right in front of me , just in

29:36

another dimension , if that makes sense

29:38

. So he was right there and

29:41

I think maybe that's what I was also feeling

29:43

. It's like he felt very close and far

29:45

away at the exact same time , and

29:49

I allowed myself to just

29:51

be in it and there was almost

29:53

a sense of joy being able to

29:55

miss him , like we miss people that we loved

29:58

a lot . It would mean nothing

30:00

if I was just like oh , whatever .

30:02

There's no timeline in grief and there's no timeline

30:04

in healing , and I thought there are people need to

30:06

understand and that you know it comes in waves

30:08

. There's moments and there's times . You know I

30:10

was on the phone last night with a friend and

30:15

I was sad like I was crying . You

30:17

know I was saying I have . I mean , like you know , I

30:19

have a wedding coming up in Oaxaca . It's a big family

30:21

wedding . I'm super

30:23

happy for the couple getting married but

30:26

my family's going really big and everybody's

30:28

there . Besides that

30:30

, everybody's there with a couple and then there's I'm

30:32

like I'm only actually , I only think I

30:34

might be two , like I'm one of the

30:36

very few that are single . Everybody's

30:38

coupled up . But regardless of that , I was telling

30:41

my friend , I was telling him I was like I

30:43

was crying because I was like I miss my

30:45

grandfather . Like I was like I

30:48

almost

30:50

did a post where it was just I was trying to find a picture

30:52

from my grandpa that was so weird to talk about grief

30:54

and I saw it yesterday . I was like I was literally gonna post this

30:56

and I

30:59

don't think people understand . I mean , I've kind

31:01

of talked about like the fact that he was my father

31:03

. In a sense he raised me and

31:05

I just really miss him , like

31:08

I was like I don't , even though I'm going

31:10

to this wedding and it's really hard

31:12

sometimes going to things as where very

31:14

people are coupled up and you're like the only single person

31:17

. It is kind of weird . No offense to that

31:19

, there's a part of it . That's like I'm like I

31:21

just I want my grandpa , like yeah

31:24

, I'm gonna cry . I'm like

31:26

you know , I want my grandpa and

31:29

so much of my

31:31

own . As we're talking about I'm just having these reflections

31:33

as we're talking about spiritual healing . A lot

31:35

of my spiritual healing

31:38

that I had to do was allowing myself

31:40

to break out of the mold and role

31:42

that was assigned to me by being his granddaughter

31:44

. You know I was raised

31:47

by him , so I was his granddaughter , but

31:49

yet I was his daughter and I took on this very matriarch

31:51

next in line role for the family

31:53

. I've had to hold very high

31:55

standards in the sense where people

31:59

looked up to me . They followed my lead

32:01

in a sense . You know my

32:03

marriage lead , my family lead , like my lead

32:05

. I held the family holiday

32:08

parties . I did all of it , and so when

32:10

I went to , my spiritual healing was

32:12

not just ripping

32:14

of my own self , but it was also

32:16

the family kind of had

32:19

to change their structure . It was huge

32:21

. Like literally , people don't talk to certain people

32:23

. It was just a very big family structural change . But

32:26

at the end of the day , going into this wedding , I'm just like

32:28

I

32:30

don't know . I don't even have words to say other than

32:32

like I just miss him . I'm like I want my grandpa

32:35

, like I want to see him

32:37

there , I want to be with him . It's

32:40

weird to say there's a part of me that

32:42

feels I hold him with

32:44

, like energetic-wise , in my

32:46

own being , like

32:49

in a room or space , but like

32:51

I don't want to hold him in my own

32:53

being spaces . I'm trying to put this in sense

32:55

like I don't . I feel like I've somehow taken

32:57

a part of this , but I also don't want to take

32:59

that representation either . Does

33:02

that make sense ? Yeah , so it's like I know

33:04

that . Like when people look or

33:07

people like that's kind of part of it , you know , and they will

33:09

like there's people that'll easily come to me and be

33:11

like , oh my gosh , grandpa would be so , or grandpa

33:13

this or grandpa that , and

33:16

I'm just like , yeah , but there's a part of me that's

33:18

like I just I don't , that's a part . I'm looking at where I'm

33:21

going to Mexico and I'm like , yeah , there's

33:24

a lot of triggers coming up for me . There's a lot

33:26

of triggers in missing my grandfather in

33:30

this amazing place

33:32

that holds so much of our culture and

33:34

he loves so much , like it's

33:37

triggering . You know , it's triggering for that . It's triggering

33:39

because he's not there . It's triggering because I'm not I'm

33:44

not married , like

33:46

I don't . You know , I'm like do I want to get married again

33:48

? Yes , like , but also being at a wedding

33:50

is very uncomfortable , you know , like it's

33:53

triggering because of that . It's just a lot of things

33:55

and at the end of the day , even though he's not here

33:57

, you still want someone . I still want him there to

33:59

be my backbone . Yeah , yeah

34:03

, I don't know . So I saw your post and

34:05

I was like oh , my God , I was going to post something around

34:07

grief and I was looking for a picture and I'm

34:09

like , oh , like I don't know

34:11

how to explain that . So

34:14

, yeah , yesterday I crashed , I cried and

34:16

then I felt bad for this person

34:18

I was talking to , because I'm like I

34:20

just dumped a whole lot of emotions on

34:22

you , but at the end of the night

34:24

I was like okay , I'm going to bed . It's like nine is like good

34:27

night . Like I'm so sorry , like I didn't say sorry

34:29

to them , but I'm thinking it like I

34:31

gave you my emotions .

34:33

Yeah , sometimes

34:35

we have to do that , right , we have to . Yeah

34:38

, oh my God .

34:41

Literally they just text . You

34:48

guys like energy and timing is so

34:50

weird . Fyi , the first time I was

34:52

talking about dumping my crap on just

34:54

texted . So I .

34:56

Yeah , it's

35:02

a journey . I think it

35:04

is a journey .

35:06

Is it weird and perverse , perverse

35:08

? I

35:11

don't think it is to say that

35:13

when you're allow yourself to step out of the perspective

35:15

actually the one being healed , it's actually

35:17

a really beautiful journey . It's

35:20

it has its highs , it has its lows

35:22

, it has its muddiness and long

35:25

depths that you're just like . I don't even know if I

35:27

can find the top of this , but

35:30

there's a beauty to it . There's a

35:32

beauty to it and it's like I have this image of

35:34

like when the ocean is mad and it's dark

35:36

not clear , but dark , you

35:38

know and the waves are rough

35:41

and you don't know which direction . There's a beauty to that

35:43

, right , like you look at it , and there's a beauty to it

35:45

. And I think , I think in all

35:47

of it that it's like healing is ugly

35:49

, healing is . I don't think it's pretty , but

35:51

I think , at the end of the day , if you allow yourself to like , stand

35:54

back , you're like it

35:58

can be beautiful . I'm proud of who I am . I'm

36:00

proud of the mess that I had , the

36:02

mess that I made . I'm proud of like

36:04

, yeah , I ripped shit up , like

36:07

I'll do it again . I'll do it again , you

36:09

know why ? Because , at the end of the day , I have kids that are following

36:11

my lead . I'll do it again for

36:13

my cousins that have come to me and said

36:15

I'm really was scared of what you chose in your life

36:18

, because I saw myself Exactly

36:20

and I knew that you know . I

36:22

do it again for the older generation

36:25

that has come up and said thank you , because I

36:27

didn't have the words to speak out about my own

36:29

abilities and gifts and another subject . You know

36:31

it's like I would do it again for

36:33

my clients , like I would never choose

36:36

to not do it again . But

36:39

it was hard and it still is

36:41

hard and I know I'm in another stage in life

36:44

now where people are like we wanna know about your dating

36:46

, we wanna know about the healing part of this , we

36:48

wanna hear it . You know I

36:52

give it what I can give it . Yeah .

36:58

I think it's always ongoing , depending upon

37:01

where you are in life too , and that's why it's hard

37:03

. You know , I think just when

37:05

we think we get to a place where

37:07

you think you have it all figured out

37:09

, you know , something else

37:11

comes in to

37:14

trip you up . But I think that's light , I think

37:16

that's what life is , and

37:18

I think if we let go of the idea

37:20

that things

37:23

have to be perfect , right .

37:26

Let's just get rid of it . I don't like we seriously do

37:28

need to get rid of that word . I hate

37:30

that word . It's a horrible

37:32

word .

37:33

And it's not helpful .

37:36

Who made the rule ? I mean we all , but

37:38

don't answer that that's a whole talk .

37:40

We all made the rule . We know who

37:42

made it , but it's not . It's

37:45

just so harmful . It's

37:47

so harmful .

37:49

And it's such a thing we chase

37:51

, like , how many listeners

37:53

sitting here , how many of you guys are chasing perfectionism

37:56

, perfectionism on whose rules

37:58

that's ? I feel we should have covered that

38:00

topic , but like it's

38:02

a horrible thing , there's no problem

38:05

. There's your journey , there's my journey . We

38:07

don't look alike . We may mirror some things

38:09

, but there's no less

38:11

to it and

38:14

there's no timeline . So we need to

38:16

like embrace , embrace

38:19

, patience and

38:21

, oh no , go ahead

38:23

.

38:23

How's that ? Having children

38:26

talks about healing . I

38:28

can't remember what book it is , but

38:30

she says you know , if

38:33

it were easy . She talks about

38:35

healing as enlightenment right , and she's like if

38:37

we could just get enlightened

38:39

by snapping our fingers . I mean

38:41

she said we'd be insufferable , like

38:44

people would just be insufferable because

38:47

you'd look at people who are suffering

38:50

, like what's wrong with you , why can't you just get

38:52

it together ? So I think there's

38:55

also some compassion that gets

38:57

built into this process as well , that

39:01

we can see the suffering in other

39:03

people and be compassionate because

39:06

we've experienced it for ourselves , or at

39:08

least that's the hope as

39:11

we're on this journey .

39:12

It's hard , though , to look at your inner demons and to

39:14

hold that mirror up to yourself and be like

39:16

. You know . That's why I tell people from my job

39:18

for living , I'm like I got you . I'll hold the mirror up for a little

39:20

while , let you see yourself . You know that sounds

39:22

so bad , isabel , but you get what I say when I do . But

39:25

you know I'll hold it up and like , but it's hard

39:27

for us to see our inner demons and

39:30

what we've created and what

39:33

we've chosen to be a part of .

39:36

Yeah , to sit with the shame or embarrassment

39:38

or just things that make us uncomfortable things

39:40

that we were told that we should feel uncomfortable

39:42

about , and I think that's also part of it , right

39:45

? It's that constant balance

39:47

between sitting with yourself and then recognizing

39:49

narratives that you are fed about

39:52

the things that you're looking at and somehow

39:54

making you less them and making you less

39:56

perfect versus . This is

39:58

just who you are and you did what you did

40:00

because you needed to at that time .

40:03

You brought in a crazy thing earlier when

40:05

we were talking about I think you mentioned something

40:07

about religion too , like how religion can

40:09

bring aspects into us that we've chosen believe

40:11

to affect our healing . I was listening to a talk earlier

40:14

on , was it last

40:16

week ? Yeah , it was last week when my

40:18

professor was talking about spirituality

40:20

, the growth of spirituality versus religion

40:22

, and I'm

40:24

just thinking about it right now because I'm like , well , we're

40:27

talking about spiritual healing . I

40:32

don't know where I was going with my thought , but I

40:34

was trying to think about , like how she was talking

40:36

about healing and I'm like I think people chose the

40:38

spiritual route at times to heal

40:40

because it's less constraint than the religious aspect

40:42

.

40:42

Yeah , that part is

40:45

yeah , and I

40:47

didn't grow up with religion but and

40:49

I didn't grow up with spirituality either

40:52

, but there's

40:55

a gentleness that

40:57

I think I have with myself that I did

40:59

not have before I was not

41:02

.

41:02

I think I was more of a bee when I was religious than

41:04

I was spiritual , Like no , I mean

41:06

.

41:07

I was all sharp , sharp edges

41:09

. That's a great story , yeah .

41:14

Yeah , everything had to be black

41:16

and white . Follow these lines , things

41:18

like that .

41:19

Yes , there was no wiggle

41:21

room , not

41:23

for me and not for anybody else .

41:26

No , no , yeah , it was literally fire

41:28

and brimstone or heaven . There was no me

41:30

.

41:30

Yeah , yeah . And the

41:34

harm in that right , the

41:37

harm in that inflexibility .

41:40

Yeah , that's like a whole another conversation . I think

41:43

people would be really surprised to say , like when

41:45

I told you like I look back on the church

41:47

that I was a part of and the way that I would drill

41:49

my children at the dining room table , like I'm telling

41:51

you guys , we followed a thing where I was like why

41:53

was God made , what is he here , how is

41:55

he present ? Like , and they had to be like omnipresent , omnipotent

41:58

, like it was like a drill , like bomb

42:00

, bomb , bomb , bomb , bomb . It

42:03

was crazy .

42:05

I was a little crazy , just

42:07

a little bit , but

42:10

we , you know , we grow

42:12

.

42:13

Yeah .

42:14

We grow .

42:16

And that's why it's hard . You know

42:19

, I

42:21

don't know anything else . I mean , I'm like we

42:23

said why is it hard ? We're like I

42:25

don't know , guys , because you're learning all the time

42:27

, you're growing , you think you got your shit figured

42:29

out and then all of a sudden , you don't got shit figured

42:32

out , that's

42:35

it , that's it . All of a sudden

42:37

, you go from like ah to like fudge

42:39

, what just happened , like it

42:41

literally is like that . And then you

42:43

know what the beautiful thing is is that you'll take

42:45

from what you learned last time and you'll be like

42:47

I got this . You will . I got

42:50

this . I'm gonna approach this time differently

42:52

. And I got this . I made it out of that . I'm gonna make

42:54

it out of this . I got this , even though

42:56

right now I was telling Onika earlier that it sucks

42:58

sometimes being alone . I think I've learned

43:01

so much in my life how to be alone . In

43:03

the retrospect . You asked a really good question like well , weren't

43:05

you alone then too ? And I think the reality

43:07

is is I've always been alone . And

43:10

, like at my childhood , I look at my marriage , I look at my

43:12

last relationship , like I've always been alone

43:14

and I think at the

43:16

end of it it's like I got this , like I got

43:18

this . This is who I am . I got this

43:20

and

43:22

, yeah , I

43:24

don't think I'll be alone forever , if that's a whole nother time .

43:27

I don't think you're alone now , and

43:30

I think that's also what's important to me , and

43:33

we need people , and you don't need a

43:35

lot of people , you know , for those of you out

43:37

there , I think sometimes we think we need this whole giant

43:40

community , but sometimes you just

43:42

need one person who can see you , and that

43:44

makes it hard .

43:44

That's our best community right now

43:47

. Like I was thinking about these days , I was like I have the

43:49

best community I've ever had and maybe consist

43:51

of three to four people and it is all

43:53

in .

43:56

Yeah , yeah , my love . Yeah

44:00

, I do feel like I have places

44:02

where I can go to be seen

44:04

and to feel , to

44:08

feel held , and that was not something that

44:10

I could do for a while . I

44:12

didn't feel like safe enough that

44:15

people could hold space for me and

44:17

that wasn't the same .

44:18

That's a big one . I like that . You

44:20

said that I don't feel I

44:22

didn't feel safe enough for people to hold

44:24

space for me . Yeah , I

44:26

didn't . That's big and I think that's a big

44:29

thing for a lot of us that we don't feel safe

44:31

enough for people to hold space for us . We don't feel safe

44:33

enough to even let people see us .

44:35

I didn't feel safe enough inside myself , yeah

44:38

, and I think that

44:41

kept me away from me and also from

44:43

finding community . And I think when

44:45

I was able to be vulnerable with myself and

44:47

even say that out loud , it

44:50

shifted a lot for me . Like before

44:53

, even five years ago , I

44:55

had said those words out loud , I would be in a crumpled

44:57

pile on the floor right now in tears because

45:00

it was so raw

45:02

and I think

45:04

it's still there to some degree . I think some

45:06

things in us don't change . We just learn how to

45:08

make peace with them . Right , like the grief . Grief

45:11

changes , but it doesn't go away and

45:15

I think I

45:17

think I'm discerning about who I'm close

45:20

with , like in who I share with .

45:23

I think that's part of healing too , is understanding that

45:25

my time and my space and my

45:27

energy is valuable . You have

45:29

a right to be discerning of that . That's part of healing , I

45:31

think , yeah , you've been taught that we

45:33

weren't allowed to do that , right ? I mean , we go back

45:36

into , like you say , black and brown and the fact

45:38

of , like , we weren't taught boundaries , weren't allowed to have

45:40

boundaries , like you know . Then

45:42

, allowing yourself to kind of explore and do

45:45

that , that's helpful .

45:46

Yeah , and being you

45:48

know , I made some mistakes , like sometimes

45:50

I was too close with people that I shouldn't have been

45:53

, and there

45:55

are people I probably should have confided in and

45:57

I didn't . Yeah .

45:59

I think I want to say too in this , in the spiritual

46:01

aspect of it just because you

46:04

know what I'm saying , just because somebody

46:07

is spiritual or says they're spiritual

46:09

doesn't necessarily mean they're a value

46:11

of your time or space or energy . Yeah

46:13

, and I think that goes into healing . So when you're

46:15

healing , even as you're healing and you're

46:17

growing , you're knowing yourself . The most important thing is you

46:19

trust your intuition and your instinct , and

46:21

if somebody's projecting an energy that it's just not

46:24

, it's not for you , it's not for you . And

46:26

I say that because I think that we can be trustworthy of

46:28

people because of titles given or because

46:30

people say they are yeah , yeah

46:33

, like I knew when I met you

46:35

, I was like , oh , she could hold space for

46:38

me , yeah , I

46:41

liked you when I met you . I remember meeting you and

46:43

I was like oh , we could talk

46:45

forever .

46:46

I was like , yeah , no , I remember that too

46:48

and

46:51

that's not . You know , it's not always the case and I think that's

46:53

fine , but I think it's . I think that's

46:55

a big part of also what makes it hard

46:58

, where I think . For me I

47:00

was also . Once I started on this journey

47:02

, I was afraid to make mistakes

47:04

, going back to perfectionism .

47:06

Yeah , yeah , and

47:09

that's the thing , though , is that it's okay to make mistakes

47:11

. I talk about that all the time . I don't even that's

47:13

another word I don't like mistakes . I

47:15

don't believe we make mistakes . I believe

47:17

that we get , we get opportunity to

47:19

grow from , and that's it , at the end of the day , right

47:22

. We grow from them , and that's

47:25

. I don't believe in mistakes like that . What'd

47:27

you learn Great ? Did you learn it ? Yes , okay

47:29

, done , move on , move

47:32

on . I

47:34

think the only mistake that we can make is when we

47:36

learn from it and we redo it again

47:39

.

47:39

Yeah , I told you last week

47:41

. That's when my boss is like okay , you

47:43

make a mistake , great , don't make it again

47:46

, right ?

47:46

Right , that's it . That's all the , I

47:48

think , quote the mistake we have . It's like oh

47:51

well , you let yourself do it again . You

47:53

know he was good with the one liners

47:55

like that .

47:56

He would do like a high low of the day . He

47:58

would say like what's your high , what's your low ? High , lows

48:01

of the day .

48:01

It was real .

48:02

It was very cool to have a boss like ask

48:04

you those questions . Like it was unusual .

48:08

I like my low of the day . Those are

48:10

good ones . Those are good ones .

48:11

Yeah , yeah , he had some . He had some good

48:14

ones . Yeah , he was tough

48:16

, he was funny , good , all right .

48:21

Any other tips before we close it out ? No

48:23

, I think that's it . All right , guys , I

48:25

think that's everything . If you have questions about spiritual

48:27

healing , let us know . I

48:30

think there's a lot of layers to it . I think that we've

48:32

covered a lot of layers in our last podcast , even

48:34

because we've talked about it . Even as

48:36

you're healing right , especially as a

48:39

black , brown person , you heal , you'll find freak

48:41

I got to go heal some other shit that was

48:43

been in there for generations and years

48:45

. So I think

48:48

it's just allowing yourself that grace , that patience

48:50

, and to fill into it , and

48:53

don't compare , don't

48:55

compare . Yeah , all right

48:57

, talk to you guys later .

48:59

Bye , bye , everyone , bye

49:09

Bye

49:32

.