S2 E1episode00036: the episode that was supposed to be the first of the yearbutI need to learn how to change dates for anchor drafts.

Biggest takeaways: 🌸I had ugly feelings regarding a friend (sort of), but I was brave enough to to tell him about them.🌸I leaned on some friendswho gave perspective.🌸An ex was peaved,but saidyour feelings are ok to feel.🌸No bridges were burned.🌸I didn't lose a friendship.🌸The person I am seeing knows a little more about the things I have been worrying about.(Ps he knows about the excursion; #transparency.)🌸I am glad I am able to label and itemize (someone else's word, not mine) my feelings.

I was experiencing envy after an excursion with a friend.I have been exploring alt structured relationship models with friends in such relationships.The last friendWe got to know each othermore intimatelyemotionally and physically,butI ended up feeling enviousof the connection he has with his partnerand moreoverthat I do not have that connection with him.

Not to say that I don't value our friendship.I was experiencing feelings I didn't expectand also felt pretty horrible having.

The past few weeks(I am bad at math,I think it's been two ish weeks)have been physically exhausting.

Dad's birthday lunch is exhausting becauseI physically feel drained after family events.

After the lunch is when I realized my feelings.

Also,before my cycle landseverything is emotionally intensified.

I knew logicallythis wasn't that badbut it FELT VERY INTENSE.

I am mid cycle now and,even though I was crying a lot yesterdaynot necessarily about this envy feeling,I feel much betterand wanted to do this episodewith the feelings still freshbut with me mostly OUTSIDE of them.I felt horrid.The emotions were ugly.

Even thoughI didn't exactly find a strategy.

I found a limit/boundary.

I wish I was mature enoughto watch their cute couple stuffin an ig storybutyea no I can'tand I acknowledgethat is pretty shitty.But I discovered a limit.And we all have different limitsand what we can handle.I can control what mediaI chose to consume.

Pps I was about to delete a bunch of apps and decided not to.

Have been adjusting notificationsfor a while(discord is always busy.Not mine but others' lol)and that likely added to my anxiousness.

I guess for all of us going through somethingMaybe there is no real strategy And you have to waitFor the feelings to passOr flow through youLike a breezeOr a storm.

I think that's ok too.

But reaching out and askingfor helpFor perspectiveSuggestionsAdvice

We are all more similar than we seem to think.

Thanks for listening to me reflect on this (for me) horribly emotionally and physically draining experience.

I am glad I can see my feelings better now.

Maybe it made you feel better?Have a good dayTry a soundbath!