0:02

This is a Global Player original

0:04

podcast.

0:15

Vogue and I are on holidays, therefore

0:17

we're not around to be live

0:20

in the podcast. No, we're not. What

0:22

you actually meant to say is we're on our holly years. We're

0:24

on our holly years, aren't we, Dioane? I'm getting genuine

0:26

complaints about your abbreviations, like

0:29

genuine ones. I'm off to the resto.

0:31

I'm on my holly years. Going to have some

0:33

bloobs. People

0:36

are genuinely up in arms now.

0:37

We're not going to take a break

0:39

because Dioane doesn't want to talk to me anymore until I cough

0:41

on and stop abbreviating every word I can

0:43

find. Until she learns to finish

0:46

her sentences like a grown up, I

0:48

will not be coming to the office.

0:58

I bought a back scratcher. Do you know one of these little hands,

1:00

Joe? It was like a stick. Did you buy another one?

1:03

Yeah, I have a couple of them now. I bought a couple of them in different colors off

1:05

Amazon and they scratch. I had to scratch

1:07

myself during lockdown because no one touched me because

1:09

it was obviously I was

1:11

single and alone. It was always hanging out of her

1:13

pants, that thing. I'm

1:17

like reviewing it on Amazon. The

1:19

fingers could be a little softer, to be honest. It's quite

1:22

tough. A

1:24

little bit too hard. But

1:26

I was so alone during lockdown, like

1:28

there was literally dust on the other side of my bed, like

1:31

it was like fucking plants growing on it. So

1:33

I bought this little hand

1:34

to scratch myself. We became

1:37

quite intimate. Oh, God.

1:41

I was like, where did the batteries go? And she's

1:43

like, there's no battery, Dioane, it's just a back scratcher. It's

1:45

a legitimate back scratcher.

1:46

And a fake tan on your back. You used

1:48

to do a fake tan on your back, would it? I used to, yeah,

1:50

I used to strap the, I used to sellotape

1:53

the mitt, a Burberry Vogue mitt, pluggy plug plug plug.

1:56

Oh, yeah. To the back scratcher and do my own back. Here,

1:58

come here to me is Alan. go into Portugal with

2:00

you. Oh, before we get onto that,

2:04

I was down in your house, obviously while you were

2:07

away. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

2:08

Living my life. And I have a couple of bits here. I talk

2:10

from your room and

2:13

I was up. Did you get the same earrings as

2:16

me in Dame Lane? Are they those ones?

2:19

No, I bought these in Zara yesterday. I went into Portuguese

2:21

there. Oh, they're nice. I was

2:23

like a pig and shite in that place. And um, she

2:26

thought it was a little design stuff. But anyway, I went in and I was your

2:28

brother. I was like, I know his friends were in the sitting

2:31

room and I was like up there rooting

2:33

around.

2:33

He's like, what are you looking for? He's like, I know where she keeps the tan.

2:36

So I was rooting through the drawers

2:38

underneath the television. They were watching sports and

2:40

stuff like a mad woman throwing

2:42

it all into a bag. Like I was robbing you. Like I looked

2:45

like I was robbing you. I

2:46

have offered to send you time

2:49

whenever you want. So then you decide to take

2:51

it from my house. Cause it's easier for you to not open

2:53

the package, but then I have to order more tan

2:56

and then I have to open the package and get rid of the rest. I

2:58

know

2:58

what you're doing. I

3:01

am, I am as lazy

3:02

as you. It's horrific. I

3:04

was in, oh God, I have filled my

3:07

boots in your house. I have a lovely pair of green sandals

3:09

from River Island. Oh my

3:11

God. You took the neon

3:12

sandals. What else? I

3:14

took the Valentino two piece. Um,

3:18

Oh, it took two pairs of shorts.

3:20

Oh yeah. Which are black Levi denim ones,

3:23

which are lovely. Do you know what I

3:25

was only put, I bought myself a new pair of black shorts.

3:27

Luckily I did. And I looked at my drawer when I was putting them all away

3:29

and I was like, I can't believe you found the shorts by

3:31

the way. And I was like, God, it's lucky.

3:33

I bought a pair of black shorts. I

3:34

don't have any black shorts. Oh, I was in there with

3:36

a head torch. I did a deep dive in that room. I went

3:39

deep. I took some lingerie. Sure.

3:45

I have no need for that. Once it's not my,

3:47

my trusty, my trusty skin color

3:49

thongs. I don't mind. I

3:51

took all your age and provocateur. Like

3:54

I've any of that name written on the crotch. I took

3:56

all that. Oh yeah. Yeah.

3:58

Send him a picture of that. He'd be, he'd. I

4:04

took her Haley McKenzie beach bag. Oh

4:06

my God. Haley menses. They only mailed

4:08

me, they

4:10

kindly sent

4:12

that to me and they were like, does she like the bag? And I

4:14

was thinking about it. Yes. I was like, I really love

4:16

that

4:16

bag. You better post about it now. I've

4:19

stolen folks. And by the way, it's not

4:21

a beach. It

4:25

was that when he arrived to Portugal

4:27

and I was like, I don't think this is a beach

4:29

bag. Anyway, it's going to be oils all over it. I

4:37

hope you, I hope you get sand in your foot. Okay.

4:40

It's covered in aperol spritz and

4:44

I haven't even posted about that bag.

4:46

I'll post about it for you. Don't worry. I'll

4:51

just, they'll just re-gift the gift folks

4:53

didn't post about it. So Joanne can keep it now. They'll

4:56

be like, we intentionally didn't give Joanne one. We don't

4:58

want her anywhere near our brand.

5:00

Anyway, so Jack date, I've been a couple of

5:02

other bits as well. So thank you. I think that's so

5:05

interesting to see what you choose. You're you are

5:07

quite, you definitely are lesbian chic because like

5:09

all those things that you took are very Amber.

5:12

Yeah. I think it's actually unfair to lesbians.

5:15

Like I'm not chic.

5:19

You are, you look chic today. I'm

5:21

a tomboy. Sorry. Amber

5:24

has the most amazing breasts.

5:27

I know. Who the fuck did

5:30

she get them and you, and you got yours. I

5:32

know. Excuse me now. Did you come out? Did you come out a

5:34

different entry? Did you come out a different entrance?

5:36

Does it matter? I think cause someone

5:38

actually commented that when we put up pictures, they're

5:40

like, Oh, you lost out the boob department. I

5:42

know I did. I really lost out there. I'd

5:44

say that when I was created, they

5:47

were thinking

5:48

man, man, man, man, man, man. And just at

5:50

the end it was like woman. And that's why I have

5:52

this voice. That's why my hands are so big. That's why

5:54

my feet are like boats. And that is why I have no

5:56

tits.

6:00

Every year without fail, there's

6:02

a story in the news warning

6:05

us to not put ice lollies

6:15

up our arses to cool down. I just

6:17

don't understand who

6:20

is repeatedly doing this that

6:22

it needs repeated. Like

6:25

what position are you sunbathing in? Are you literally

6:27

on all fours holding your ass open and

6:30

your ass is burning and you're sticking a Solero

6:32

in there? I do not understand. Joanne,

6:36

if you're sitting

6:36

there telling me you've never put a twister up your arse,

6:39

that's bullshit. I

6:44

did it just for fun, okay? It was nothing to do

6:46

with the heat. In all seriousness,

6:49

can I be honest? What's the problem if you do

6:51

stick a Solero up your arse? I don't understand.

6:54

What's wrong? It's just going to come out again.

6:56

Yeah, it's obviously not good for your arse. I don't know. I

6:58

just don't know. Like if you're hot, that's

7:01

fine. That's a normal feeling. It's summer. We're

7:03

all struggling. I would. I wouldn't.

7:06

I'll tell you what. If you need to go down, have a glass of water. You don't

7:09

stick a fat frog up your arse.

7:10

Oh God, I would stick

7:12

a fat frog up my arse. I would. I'm

7:15

sorry. You wouldn't. If they bought

7:17

back fat frogs and they would only bring the back by

7:19

stuck it up my arse. I do it. I do it for the

7:22

nation. You do it in a paid collaboration.

7:24

Oh, no. What were Casper? Do

7:26

you remember a Casper ice pop? Oh,

7:29

they were stunning. Yeah.

7:32

I could see you now with a clip of your arse. Ten

7:34

grand later. I did a 10 grand later.

7:37

Get lost. I'll do that for

7:39

a hundred quid. If it's a

7:41

Calippo Fraser. Yeah, you wouldn't

7:43

even do it. You were like, hashtag gifted.

7:46

Hashtag. It's an honor. Hashtag.

7:49

Thanks, Calippo Fraser. Hashtag was going to do it anyway. Hi,

7:51

girls. I feel like confessing

7:53

this to you. as

8:00

it might get it to way less on me. And with folks

8:02

keen eye for a bit of private website time, I

8:05

figured I'd be, I

8:08

figured I'd be in good company. I'm

8:10

usually militant when it comes to clearing mucky internet

8:12

tabs away once I'm done with them. But a couple of weeks ago,

8:14

I came unstuck. My 84 year old

8:17

mum

8:17

was round and I was showing her some pictures of the kids

8:19

and wanted to find a video on Facebook of

8:21

my son on holiday. Despite her age, my mum was actually

8:23

quite iPad literate. She knew how to double

8:26

top the button to scroll through the other apps. That being

8:28

said, she has pretty bad arthritis. So her hands

8:30

are a bit slow. She scrolled away from the photos

8:32

up, moved across to find Facebook. There it

8:34

was. The Pornhub window that I

8:36

treated myself

8:37

to the night before. There was no question

8:39

that she saw it because her imprecise

8:43

jabbing at the

8:43

screen, she managed to open the window and the video

8:46

resumed playing at full volume.

8:48

Oh my God. It must've been three

8:50

or four seconds before I swiped the iPad from

8:52

her hands and pretty much smashed it against the wall to stop

8:55

it. But it felt like an eternity. As

8:57

the x-ray, as

8:59

the x-ray noises bounced around my kitchen,

9:01

we've said absolutely nothing about it since,

9:04

not a word. Just leaving it locked away in both

9:06

of our minds forever. I'm

9:09

actually getting red. I'm so, I'm so more to over

9:11

her. There is honestly, I would, listen,

9:14

you're gonna have to move away. You have to

9:16

leave the country. Yeah,

9:19

you're gonna have

9:19

to fake your own death. Just get,

9:22

say your goodbyes. You'll

9:24

see her in the next life. Just move on. Fake

9:27

your own death. Move towards the light.

9:30

Like there's just no space view on this

9:32

world anymore. It's

9:34

just too embarrassing. I could just die.

9:37

I would die. There's

9:40

no way I could actually, I couldn't.

9:44

I would just lie. I would just lie.

9:46

It'd be like, oh my God. If she's got

9:48

a, did she say she's got a 14 year old kid? Did

9:50

she say she's got, what age did she say her kid was? Who

9:53

the hell is Joanne think we're talking about? You're

9:55

only half of it. No, her mother's 84.

13:59

So like, how did you know? And she's like, well,

14:02

I remember I was horse riding once and

14:05

my horse was speaking to me saying

14:07

the saddle was on too tight. And I said to my friend,

14:09

what's your horse saying to you? And she said, my horse doesn't

14:11

speak to me. And then I realized I had a

14:14

skill. I like, whatever. She's basically

14:16

saying

14:16

she just chatting to rabbits all day and then telling you how

14:18

your rabbit feels. She starts trying

14:20

to get Vernon and Russia

14:22

like into. Firstly, the dog that she

14:24

brought on ran off in the middle of the clip and

14:27

ate Ainsley Harriet's chicken that

14:29

he was

14:29

preparing. Was it Evie? Who's

14:32

Evie? Evie, mommy's

14:34

coming. I'm sorry.

14:38

She fucking ate the chicken. And then

14:40

Vernon K is like tapping his head to get a third eye

14:42

ready to be able to talk to the dog on him. I

14:45

was looking at Vernon's face. It's like, I'd say that's it. Do

14:47

you know when you're gonna have a moment in your career and you're like, what

14:49

happened? There's been many of them in my

14:51

career. Many. This was a sobering

14:54

moment. We were like, really? This

14:56

is the choice I made. But anyway,

14:58

it was absolutely hilarious. This woman is the biggest con.

15:00

She's got a book out about how to be an animal psychic. It's like her

15:02

next book will be like telling you what your hydrangea

15:04

thing to be. It was just nonsense, but hilarious.

15:07

Some people love that. Do you not remember me

15:10

and Spenny on our show when we did that? We

15:13

had, he was such a nice man. First

15:15

of all, I want to say Clive. And he

15:17

was like, he spoke to animals, an

15:20

animal clairvoyant as well. And he came into

15:22

the house

15:22

and obviously Spenny was like, this is a load of old wump.

15:25

But he was such a nice man.

15:28

But like he came in, he came in.

15:30

And he was like in the kitchen and he's talking

15:32

to Winnie and Winnie's telling him how he feels about

15:34

the new baby coming. And then he literally goes, oh,

15:36

sorry, Saint Bernard just walked

15:39

by. Oh

15:39

no. Oh no. Could

15:55

you imagine Spencer listening to those? What

15:58

idiot counseled that show? That is gold!

16:02

And then Spencer's actually like, oh really, what's

16:04

he saying? And then he had this

16:06

like little, oh my God, I can't believe

16:08

we did this. He had this little like pendant

16:11

that like flickered. I'm like, how

16:14

is Winnie feeling

16:14

now? And he's like, look, he looks really sad. I'm like, no,

16:17

no, that's Winnie's face. We

16:19

realized.

16:22

Oh God, it was the fright he got as well.

16:24

It was actually, it was like. Oh,

16:33

that's so funny. I'm just hoping that Saint

16:35

Bernard's not gonna take your shit in my kitchen. Because,

16:42

oh, that is so funny.

16:43

Some people like they're

16:46

just, it's so funny. They're like, oh, your spoons

16:48

are talking about you. Do you wanna know what they're saying?

16:50

Okay, sure. Yeah, give me a grant.

16:53

I know, well, we both have different

16:56

opinions on ghosts. I don't know about dog

16:58

ghosts. I definitely didn't see the Saint Bernard

17:00

myself. And I would have been very upset if he had a bit

17:02

of my house. He

17:04

actually pretended to get a fright. Oh,

17:17

good old Clive. Clive. Oh God,

17:19

that's so good. I'm nearly sure he

17:21

came here twice. I think we actually, because

17:23

he was such a TV girl, I'm pretty sure we used him in

17:25

both series. I'm like, oh, we have

17:27

another kid coming. Wanna come around again? Like

17:31

anything for a bit of content. Clive, oh God.

17:33

He had written a book as well. I'm pretty sure he still have

17:36

it. Oh, I was out at the weekend,

17:38

right? Now I have to get, I've gotta do a little plug,

17:40

emac plug, okay? Go for it. So

17:43

when I was 14, I drank half a bottle of tequila because

17:46

we all got a bottle of tequila between two

17:48

of us. And we got absolutely locked. Oh

17:50

my God, I ended up scoring this guy called, but

17:52

I actually don't know if we should say

17:54

that because he still lives in Hope. We

17:57

probably shouldn't then. Okay.

17:59

I think we actually need to do,

18:02

as well as Jo, we actually need a defamation professional

18:06

in the room while we record it as well.

18:09

Because like she's throwing people under the bus left, right and

18:11

center. Folks giving out phone numbers

18:13

and addresses and everything that people have shafted her in the past.

18:16

Listen, this is my tool to get you back

18:19

motherfuckers. And no,

18:21

so we all drawing catfox kid. I remember waking

18:23

up. I saw Ashley's foot was like. I

18:29

had

18:37

a little thing like the cat bell with the kind

18:39

of with this with the oil or the sense

18:42

that he's like splashing, shiny, like holy

18:44

water. No, it wasn't incense,

18:47

but it was the same vibe, but it was like to tell

18:49

you things. Oh, actually he was telling me how

18:51

many spirits

18:52

were attached to me. That was

18:54

another thing you could do. And I had something like nine

18:56

attached to me and that was why I felt so heavy

18:58

and like, obviously I had nine people

19:00

fucking clinging onto me for dear

19:02

life. They're already dead. I kind

19:05

of believe half that shit though. Not the dog, not

19:07

the dog.

19:08

So you've nine people hanging off you at the moment.

19:11

Not after Clive was here. Cause he got rid of every single

19:13

one of them. He did. He

19:15

rang his little cat bell and got rid of the nine

19:20

coast. He's like, go

19:22

for it. Sure. I

19:25

was, oh my God, I've done

19:26

so much stuff. I love stuff like that

19:28

though. I won't turn myself in a castle.

19:31

Another TV show sitting with this battered

19:33

old radio trying to contact my dad.

19:45

And I'm actually sure they will

19:48

make anything sound like it. They're like, that's

19:50

Ed Freddy. That's Ed Freddy. And I'm

19:52

like, it did say Freddy. It did say. Then I was like,

19:54

after I was like, that didn't say Freddy. You tuned into some pirate

19:56

radio station.

19:57

Like what? No,

19:59

that's heavy. That's heaven. Playing

20:01

Fried Fried, Fried from Desire.

20:06

Na na na na na na, Freddie.

20:09

Freddie. Freddie wants to speak to you. You're

20:14

like my dad was a huge entrance fan. What

20:16

a coincidence. Okay.

20:24

Me and my friend had spent a couple of months

20:26

traveling around Southeast Asia when we finished

20:29

university. Classic. When we reached

20:31

the Philippines at this point in our, we were looking

20:33

slightly disheveled. So we decided to treat

20:36

ourselves to a bikini wax at a salon. We

20:38

find a salon, pay the money, and my friend goes into

20:40

the treatment room first. Over an hour

20:42

later, my friend emerges, looking extremely

20:45

uneasy. Before I had a chance to ask

20:47

her what took her so long, the beautician

20:49

ushers me away from my treatment.

20:51

I lie down. The woman begins her work. However,

20:53

after numerous attempts at the same area with

20:56

a wax strip, the woman tells me it's

20:58

no good. The wax doesn't work on you either.

21:00

We will have to do the same as we did to your friend. Before

21:03

I have time to ask any questions, two more women

21:05

enter the room. One of the women hands me an iPad

21:08

and tells me to lie back, relax, and play Candy

21:10

Crush.

21:11

The next thing I know, there are three small Filipino

21:13

women plucking my, no,

21:17

plucking my bunny

21:19

with tweezers. I was too British to

21:22

tell them no. So I simply did it like I

21:24

was told, lying on the bed, legs

21:26

akimbo, playing Candy Crush on the iPad

21:28

for the next hour. I think the lowest

21:31

point of the whole ordeal was when I had to stop the

21:33

three women midway through plucking to ask if they

21:35

had any other names.

21:38

As my friend who

21:40

had been in prior and ran me

21:42

out of lives on Candy Crush, safe

21:44

to say the whole experience has put me up.

21:48

Oh my

21:51

god. Vogue, you need to send

21:53

them one of your Nintendo Switches.

21:58

Considering what a gamer. considering

22:01

how you love gaming yourself. I'm

22:06

gonna switch in a Brillo pad, a little gift, a little care

22:08

package from Vogue.

22:19

Well, Joe, we're back from Bifa.

22:22

We had the most fun in the meet-the- Joanne,

22:25

something right from a meet-the- No, we worked. We worked

22:27

hard. We were doing 12 hair days. We did

22:29

work hard. It wasn't all fun and games. We

22:31

were working hard. We were up early. Up

22:34

early. I barely drank.

22:35

Joanne, well, I mean- I barely

22:37

drank. Well, that would be drinking

22:40

to me. I thought it was- I

22:43

was trying to maintain an air profession. Do

22:45

you know when you're coming back from

22:48

a Vita and you're like, I can't wait

22:50

to see the state of people in the airport. You were so excited because

22:52

this is a welcome choice with the people's pain. Do

22:54

you remember how excited

22:55

you got when Amber got punched in the face by your mum?

22:58

Oh my God. She got her made. She didn't

23:00

punch her in the face. She put soap in her mouth. Let's

23:02

say she punched her. No, she put soap in her mouth. The

23:04

idea that was thrilling to

23:05

me. But we're going. So Amber

23:08

had gone home a couple of days early and she'd struck

23:10

old. There was a guy puking into a plastic bag and

23:12

I was like, yes. Now we did see

23:14

people being carted off by security.

23:18

I don't know what they had done, but I have to say

23:21

the most drunk person

23:23

on my flight was Joanne. I

23:28

was that person. Somebody

23:30

had gone out out the night before.

23:32

I went out, out, out. You

23:36

did. I went three eights.

23:38

At least three. Lost those Celine

23:40

sunglasses. Oh God, they never shut up. Absolutely

23:42

fuming. They never shut up. 300 quid. I'm

23:44

fuming. Well, I mean, at least

23:47

you didn't spend much on your nails. Thank

23:49

God I made a saving on my nails. I

23:52

don't feel too bad now. It was the only

23:54

thing. Actually, we were getting in our

23:56

car. So, Joanne? Not even a

23:59

lick of nailer.

23:59

I can't get over it. I can't knock it over. I'd

24:02

be expecting like jewels and shit on my nails.

24:04

Like what the hell? Where was the gold?

24:06

Faberge eggs hanging off the end. I

24:08

mean what? Faberge

24:10

egg at the end of every nail. Just plain neon

24:13

orange. But Megan, our

24:15

friend who was staying with us and she was helping me with it. I love

24:18

Megan. We had a great night. We moved to Bond's on the last

24:20

night. She's great cracker. It was Megan's birthday. So I was like, no,

24:22

go out. Go on, go out. So I

24:24

went home because

24:25

we had Otto there. And

24:27

actually when I think about it, I was quite frightened to be

24:29

in the eyes of my own in the build hour. It was

24:32

a bit isolated. I know. That's the kind

24:34

of shit like Saul happens there. Anyway,

24:36

I made it. And the next morning, I mean,

24:38

I do have an air of smugness to me anyway. But

24:41

when

24:41

those bitches walked in the door and half away

24:44

from the morning. I

24:46

don't remember coming back. Well, Joanne,

24:48

I went in. I just remember I was just on a plane. I

24:54

was like, why is everything so far away? I'm

24:56

in the sky. I'm in the sky. Actually,

24:59

I got into the sky. I

25:02

was in a blackout. I went into Joanne's

25:04

room at like we're leaving at seven, at

25:06

quarter to seven. I went into a room at like quarter

25:08

past six and I opened the door and she does this thing

25:10

where she like raises from the dead from the

25:13

bed. And I was like, Joanne, we're leaving in half now. And she's like,

25:15

OK. Like I had just been really irritating

25:18

her. She had the iPad going

25:20

on the bedside table and then her laptop

25:22

beside

25:23

her other ear also playing something

25:25

completely separate. I

25:27

like to keep the mind busy even when asleep. I like to keep

25:29

the mind ticking over. Joanne, you can't sleep well. You

25:31

just have all this blue light in your face the whole time. You've got

25:33

it shining into either eye.

25:36

I know. So I do think

25:38

it's disturbing that the only way I know how to relax is to listen

25:40

to people getting murdered on like deadline.

25:43

You're definitely not relaxing. No, you're

25:45

not. It's a false sense of security. But

25:47

yeah, I was the biggest

25:48

piss out on the plane. Now, remember getting the taxi?

25:51

You don't. We went into the taxi.

25:53

The taxi driver. The taxi driver. The

25:56

taxi driver was. You're actually on money for that.

25:58

The taxi driver.

27:55

back

28:00

to the terror that he was. I think that our

28:02

neighbor, we had a dog called Topaz, this

28:04

kind of obese Labrador on him. Did

28:06

you just love the petrol station?

28:08

So actually she's, she

28:10

was my aunt's dog originally and she was named after

28:12

the stone Topaz, you Philistine,

28:15

not the fucking petrol station. Yeah.

28:18

Okay. Who's going to call their dog circle K

28:20

you don't name to dogs after petrol

28:22

station. That's like when my mom tries to say she

28:24

didn't call me after the magazine. Come on.

28:26

We all know. Who does she, why,

28:28

what does she claim that she, oh, she claims she

28:30

heard it herself in a shop. Sandra

28:32

Spoo for the week. Go on, Sandra,

28:35

get out of that. Go on. I

28:37

just thought of it myself. She

28:41

tried to tell me the magazine wasn't out yet. And because

28:43

when I was younger, I was like, no, the magazine wasn't out yet.

28:46

You're giving away. That's what I'm glad you're

28:48

finally admitting you're a woman in your sixties, which

28:50

is a very good aesthetic doctor because

28:53

you and so I'm so glad you're

28:55

finally admitting it. Vogue was born

28:57

before the printing press was invented. She

29:00

just found Dr. Ewan in time. And

29:04

so anyway, Topaz the obese

29:06

Labrador, right? She was always wandering around. Laboratories

29:09

are always obese.

29:10

Are they? I think that's,

29:12

I think that's a, I think that's a racist

29:15

stereotype. Well, they're

29:17

prone to getting

29:18

fat. Laboratories go on. Anyway,

29:20

tell me about Topaz. I'm sure she was beautiful. Topaz

29:23

was, she was just out of her stepperobics class and she

29:25

was really making that she was just really

29:27

trying to make a go of it. And she was woggling through one

29:29

of the neighbors gardens and the neighbor came out and was like, hit her age

29:32

with the brush, you know, like, good day, good day Topaz. And

29:34

my brother, I don't know what age is, six, seven or something. I

29:37

don't know, 28. I honestly don't. I have no concept of time.

29:40

Went next door with the scissors and your one

29:42

had this gorgeous start flower garden.

29:45

And he went in and cut the head off every

29:48

single one. Snip,

29:50

snip, snip like a sociopath.

29:52

I'm sorry, but that is like, if

29:54

you're going to kick a dog out with a broom,

29:57

that's what you get.

29:59

cut the lid. Sorry, I've had three wines. I have to

30:02

be transparent. He cut the top of every

30:04

single one of them. The lid off the flower. Then

30:10

he went in and circumcised her husband and

30:13

performed a full vasectomy with the scissors. And

30:15

then that was fair. And that was quite the child. And that's

30:18

what you do for slapping a dog. Do you remember

30:20

when people used

30:20

to put like filled up water bottles in their

30:23

garden to try and deter the dogs? Like

30:25

it would do anything. No, what do you mean? Squirt

30:27

them in the face? No, just leave the water bottles

30:29

there because supposedly the dogs wouldn't wee

30:31

on them. Then my, my cousin Sophie,

30:34

she has a dog. She's

30:36

they've had labradors their whole life. Right.

30:39

And it's always called Sam. One dies,

30:42

a new Sam comes in. It's like a conveyor belt

30:44

of Sam's. They're all Sam. I

30:46

wish my mother had done that with my father. I'd have fucking

30:49

been thrilled. Frank is

30:51

back.

30:51

Okay. He looks a little different. I don't care.

30:54

Daddy's home. I missed you. Daddy's

30:58

home. He's Asian. I don't care. I'm not going

31:00

to ask any questions. Daddy's back. It's

31:05

a fresh Frank. It's a fresh Frank.

31:07

I love that your dad's name

31:09

was Frank. I like that name. It's a cool name. If I had

31:11

a child, I called it Frank regard as a gender.

31:14

If I had a child, I would,

31:16

I would build her name. Do you

31:18

want to hear my next baby name that's been, he's not into

31:20

if I ever decided to have another baby, which I'm quite unsure

31:23

because I'm very tired. Um,

31:24

I'm going to call it

31:26

sailor. What

31:28

you going to do with a drunken sailor? What you going

31:30

to do with a drunken sailor? No, you're not into it.

31:33

She frozen. She's not frozen.

31:36

I see her eyes moving. Sorry. I'm

31:39

just trying to process this insane

31:42

bit of information you just given me. That's

31:45

a great name. Sailor S-A-Y-L-O

31:48

or you're joking, aren't you? This is your new comedian

31:50

career. Isn't it? This is you being the, this is comedian

31:53

vogue. Isn't it? Do you have

31:55

the laws?

31:57

Sales. I'll call her for short. girl,

32:00

whether, whether it likes it or not. Are

32:04

you drinking Vogue? No, I've

32:07

told you, I feel already guilty about my week of

32:09

drinking. I've, you're good. So no, no, no, no, no, no.

32:12

You're going to call your child sailor. Yes.

32:15

That's like calling your child plumber or carpenter

32:18

or electrician. That's the fucking, if I have

32:20

a fifth child, there will definitely be electrician

32:23

in there. This is, this is the kind of shit

32:25

you remember. We saw that

32:25

list of names in New Zealand that they wouldn't let people call

32:28

their kids anymore, like violence and bull stuff.

32:30

The sailor goes on that list.

32:32

No, it doesn't. Vogue, I'm telling you,

32:34

I've let you, I've let you make some really wild

32:37

decisions in your life, but if you call

32:39

a child sailor, I will step in with social services

32:42

and we will take the child off you and we will call

32:44

the child Lorraine, like it's supposed to be called and

32:46

you will never see that child again and I won't

32:48

raise it because I'm not capable, but Joe will raise it. Are

32:51

you ready for baby Lorraine? Joe, you can have Lorraine.

32:54

Joe, do you not think Sarah is a lovely name? Okay.

32:59

Well, you two get lost. You two I'll do whatever I

33:01

want. I'll call it shit bag if I want. And

33:04

you'll just

33:04

have to deal with this shit bag.

33:17

How many ring lights are on you today? This is insane.

33:19

I'm in my mother's kitchen. I'm trying

33:21

to look at there's even a torch. I need a torch or something.

33:26

Even like a key, key ring, you know, the alarm. You

33:28

sit in front of the window. That's where the good light

33:31

is. No, don't because you'll unplug

33:33

your microphone.

33:37

Sorry, but sorry that we had a little technical error there because

33:40

I ripped my mic out cause Vogue suggested I turned to the window

33:42

to get more natural light to be more attractive, but turns out I'm still

33:44

in bits while looking at the window. Your

33:47

glasses are nice. Now I feel bad about

33:50

the next thing I'm going to say, but honestly it happened on the way

33:52

home from the run and you did one day

33:54

say I looked like an Afghan hound. When

33:57

I tell you I bumped into a dog,

33:59

that was.

35:55

I'm

36:00

not going to make the suit anymore. Just throw it in the bin.

36:02

Like it's weird. Benny would throw his witchy

36:04

boots in the bin. That's

36:07

exactly what they are. They're witchy boots. They

36:09

look like they should be, they should be hanging

36:12

off either side of a broomstick. Oh my God. But,

36:14

but yeah, so I am trying to slowly and I

36:16

know it's, they say you shouldn't meet someone

36:19

and then trying to change who they are, but we're both trying to change.

36:21

We're both trying to panel beat each other towards

36:23

the other. So I think we'll meet somewhere in the middle,

36:25

but if you see me out wearing doobries,

36:27

shoot me. Okay. It's gone too far. Sorry.

36:31

Doobries. Yeah. The doob's from

36:34

back in the day. Do you know what do you do? Do

36:38

you know what doob's are? Doobries.

36:45

They were like, what the posh, lots of the shoes

36:47

posh people wore. They're like sailing shoes. I

36:49

remember I had the audacity to

36:51

wear a pair of doobries into school

36:54

and the abuse I got for,

36:57

do you know what? I'm going to order a pair of doobries.

36:59

I want a pair of them. I think that probably

37:01

back. Yeah. It's probably ironic. Now I

37:03

work, I had a pair of doobries and I had, I turned

37:05

the lady. It's like when you say badder Z

37:08

it's do barries.

37:11

And I turned the doobry laces

37:13

into little corkscrews. Remember that was the rage. Jesus

37:16

Christ. They're 90 quid. Yes.

37:17

Yes. You turned them into courses. Now I

37:19

didn't, I wore the doob's one day

37:21

and I never wore them again because my friends like me so

37:23

badly. I was like, I'm not going through this, this

37:26

again. 80 quid do Barry.

37:28

If you're listening, send me a pair of, I'm not sending 80 quid and

37:30

a pair of do Barry's. Sorry. If you're, if you become

37:32

the face of doobries, I will die laughing. If

37:36

you call them doobries again, stopping

37:39

so competitive.

37:44

I will never not be pointing to me. Do

37:47

you want, I'm telling you, will I get Navy or a

37:49

Brown to Barry's? Honestly, you

37:51

can't get a Brown. You got it. I go now. If you're going

37:53

to go do go Navy. My dad

37:56

used to love a pair of do Barry's. God

37:58

rest his soul. God rest his soul.

37:59

Did you bury him in his jibs? Oh,

38:03

stuff. I remember what... It's a very houth death. I

38:05

know.

38:06

I

38:08

do remember what we buried. I mean, that's terrible. And I put 20

38:10

quid in his pocket so he could get himself a pint when he went

38:13

up. Never get that. I'll never see that money

38:15

again.

38:19

Get a spot, yeah. Come

38:21

back from the dead. I'm going to need that money in a

38:23

week. Just go for some mile, guys.

38:27

Where they're going, still goes. I'm

38:32

actually glad we've had this conversation because now I'm

38:35

going to buy DuBarrées and anyone else who decides

38:37

to buy them, you got to... Actually, do you want to...

38:39

They've no play Navy. What? They're...

38:42

I mean, Emo, you'd want to see these. They're

38:44

fancy now. They call themselves a Marbella Dexhu.

38:47

Let me have a little look now and see. This

38:50

is absolutely gas.

38:53

DuBarrées need a rebrand. They need to... I want to

38:55

see DuBarrées in like... They want to do

38:57

a Croctos where they're like... I want to see

38:59

a Dubarrées collab with Gucci or Fendi

39:01

or something. Who told

39:03

you they were called DuBarrées?

39:07

I was a fake

39:09

art kid. No, they've

39:12

no play Navy. And I'm not into

39:14

a brown. No. You've let yourself down

39:16

there, dude. I want to see if they've done anything with themselves,

39:18

if they've graded in any way. They're doing

39:20

a Boosh now. Now they look

39:21

the exact... I cannot believe they've done

39:24

the Admiral DuB Dexhu. They've

39:26

done nothing with us. It looks the exact

39:28

same. I want the Admiral, but I

39:30

want it Navy. God

39:32

damn it. Look at you. Why don't you get the Port Moccasin?

39:38

The Belize Dexhu. Oh my God.

39:40

You would look absolutely fantastic in the Portfino.

39:45

Oh, actually, we have to get on to this. I know. Do

39:47

you know what I'd love? I'm like, oh my God, to stay

39:49

out of those DuBarrées. Next week I would be like,

39:52

we're doing an ad for them. DuBarrées.

39:57

My favorite shoe since...

39:59

1998 folk. Stressing

40:03

around in her porch. You can't knock me out

40:05

of my port moccasins. Oh

40:08

my god, the Beaurette canvas deck she was right

40:10

up your street. Here's

40:11

a swipe up code. Ah,

40:13

listen to Barry.

40:16

Do you know

40:18

what? They do a nice welly kind of thing.

40:21

It's like a country boot. It

40:24

makes me want to move out of London to get

40:26

myself a country boot. Oh

40:29

my god, a Sligo country beat. No, I'd go

40:31

for the longford one. Name myself. You're

40:34

already deep now.

40:37

Too much. You need to put it back. I

40:42

can't believe we spent the last ten minutes trolling.

40:45

Do Barry Webbs.

40:58

Thank you for watching.