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Hello, I'm Ken Bruce. I appeared as a

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Thanks. Bloody Ken Bruce, what a

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cheek. Hey

0:50

Dave. Yeah Randy. Since we founded

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1:54

for watching. Hello,

2:01

my name's Mike Fenton Stinson and

2:03

this is my Time To Show. My

2:10

Time To Show is a podcast where people tell

2:12

me five things from their love that they wish

2:14

they had in a time to show. They pick

2:16

four things that they cherish and one thing that

2:18

they wish they could bury and forget. Now

2:21

my guest in this episode is

2:23

Jess Conrad OBE. Jess

2:25

has been the vainest man in

2:27

showbiz, self-styled, since the 1950s. Having

2:31

been a pop star, a film star,

2:33

a star of the West End, a

2:35

musical theatre icon, a TV star and

2:37

a cabaret star. Friend to the

2:39

stars most of his life, he started out,

2:41

as he unashamedly admits, as a very

2:43

good-looking boy from Brixton, who wanted to

2:46

be a gangster. Jess is

2:48

a proper traditional star, old-school

2:50

and consequently the only person who's asked to

2:52

be paid to be a guest on my

2:55

time capsule as you'll hear. Worth every penny.

2:58

Avoiding the life of a gangster, Jess

3:00

fell into film extra work, then acting

3:02

work, being discovered by Jack Good and

3:04

having a number of hits in the

3:07

early 60s, including one who did the

3:09

worst song of all time. That's

3:11

quite something, isn't it? He went

3:13

on to play Jesus in God's film

3:15

and Joseph in his amazing teddy-coloured dreamcoat

3:18

for many years, whilst also appearing in

3:20

dozens of films like Reach for the

3:22

Sky, Queen's Guard and the Sex

3:24

Pistols film The Great Rock and Roll Swindle.

3:28

Jess has appeared in TV shows

3:30

like Dixon of Doc Green, The

3:32

Human Jungle, Softly Softly, Space 1999,

3:34

Are You Being Served, Doctors and

3:36

Last of the Summer Wine. He

3:39

told me about his extraordinary life when I visited

3:41

him and his lucky wife Renee, who

3:43

you'll also hear a bit in this

3:45

recording, at his home in the Kent

3:47

countryside, where we discussed the funny things

3:49

from his very full life that Jeff

3:51

Conrad would want in a time capsule.

3:54

And despite his constant claims of vanity

3:56

and selfishness, I found it

3:58

to be charming, loving, generous. and

4:00

very funny. I'm sure you will too.

4:03

Here is Jess Conrad. My

4:16

lovely wife of course in her

4:18

heyday was Miss Kameh, you know

4:20

Kameh Soap and her best

4:23

friend was Katie Boyle

4:25

and that's how I got Joseph

4:27

into the West End. Really?

4:31

Because he had the theater there,

4:33

the Vaudeville and she said to

4:35

Renee because they used to tour

4:37

together because it's Kameh Soap and

4:39

she said what's she up

4:42

to? She said always on tour with Joseph.

4:44

When's it coming to the West End? She

4:46

said always not coming to the West End,

4:48

it's just touring. She said do you

4:51

want to come to the West End? She said it'd

4:53

be nice to have Jess at home as opposed to

4:55

you know every week being miles away.

4:58

So she just said to her husband you know ba

5:00

ba ba ba, I said well I've got four weeks

5:03

you know whether I don't know what to put in the

5:05

theater for four weeks. She said well

5:07

put Joseph in so that's when we

5:09

took Joseph to the West End. Is

5:11

that our mutual friend Bill Kenwright? Yeah,

5:13

I went to his funeral. What happened

5:16

was he came and saw Joseph

5:21

when I was doing it with another

5:23

company and he asked to

5:25

see me and I went up to

5:28

the office and he said

5:30

I like the show he said and I

5:32

wanted to tour it and he said before

5:34

you say anything else he said I want

5:37

everybody that was in that show to

5:39

be with you because I'm

5:41

sure you're all friends. I said yes we were and

5:44

then I did what is England's

5:46

Broadway we did Blackpool. You look a little

5:49

bit like Bill don't you? That's very sweet

5:51

of you thank you. He was a good

5:53

one. Well no I mean he's got

5:56

the same sort of face. I

5:59

loved him a lot. I thought he was

6:01

just incredibly generous and kind and enthusiastic man.

6:03

That's what I loved about him Yeah, and

6:05

I sent him a letter. I wrote a

6:07

letter to everybody saying I'm going

6:09

to be a fantastic actor All I

6:11

need is a job that gets me an equity card. If

6:14

you do it, you'll be delighted You've introduced me to

6:16

the business. He rang me up and

6:18

said you're a cheeky sod, aren't you? Yeah, and I said I like

6:20

that come and see me and I went to his office and he

6:22

gave me a job No, he

6:25

liked all of that. He liked all of that.

6:27

He came to Bambi Lodge when I lived in

6:31

Denham and he

6:34

wanted me to go on tour again

6:36

with Joseph and He

6:38

died into the pool Shallow

6:41

him. Oh, no, and then

6:43

just before he left us he'd

6:45

be foamy and looking back

6:47

I know he wanted to talk something

6:50

was on his mind and I was moving here

6:52

So all I wanted to talk about was me

6:54

as usual I'm you know,

6:57

I'm moving here and this and that

6:59

so I was a bit upset actually

7:01

when he died. I went to the

7:05

Funeral last week or a couple of a month

7:07

ago wasn't it? Yeah, everyone was there

7:09

of course and Great

7:11

loss. Yes. I

7:14

am I was gonna say that you

7:16

can take the boy out of Brixton, but you can't

7:18

take Brixton out of the boys I'm a Bemidji boy.

7:20

I love Brixton because when

7:23

I was like young I

7:25

loved the theater and we had a variety theater there

7:27

and I used to

7:29

sit upstairs for six months while the top

7:33

And I used to wonder what it would be

7:35

like to sit down front, you know, never thinking

7:37

about what about being on study

7:39

actually doing it and I

7:42

used to sit up there and the gods with my mom

7:44

Oh, yeah, I wonder what it's like down there, you know,

7:46

and I saw some wonderful

7:48

people really young Max by

7:50

graves I remember our

7:53

for Lucan Now

7:55

that was funny our old mother Riley because

7:57

I'll buy the wallet, you know, it's a

7:59

fun and people

8:02

got to know that sometimes the

8:04

understudy went on who was really like

8:07

him and they didn't know the difference.

8:09

Oh really? Arthur Lucan. His

8:12

girlfriend was his wife wasn't it? And

8:14

the other one that I loved all the time, Max

8:17

Miller. I never

8:19

saw Max Miller. Oh fucking wonderful.

8:21

He put his foot on the

8:23

footlights and leaned over as

8:26

if I wanted to do this.

8:28

And it felt very intimate, you know.

8:30

And all that looking around went on

8:32

for so long before he even told

8:34

the joke. Now listen,

8:37

now listen. No quiet. Because he

8:39

might be. Now listen. When

8:43

I first did Dame, I

8:45

said to my dad, what's the trick of doing

8:47

Dame do you think? And he said to me,

8:49

you should do it like Max Miller. You should

8:51

lean right over. You've got to draw them in.

8:55

Well, Norman Vaughan

8:57

said, I've been offered to

8:59

play Dame, he said. And

9:01

I think I'll do it, he said, because once

9:03

I pay Dame, he said, you can play it

9:06

forever. I think you can. Yes,

9:08

I think. And

9:10

he's got the show with Goldshot.

9:12

Oh my word, yeah. Now he's

9:15

already booked to do this panto

9:17

with me. He's the Dame and I'm

9:19

Principal Boy. He

9:22

doesn't want to do it, you know. He

9:25

walked through it when he made her part.

9:28

He was terrible. No

9:30

character. Nothing. Just, you know, fucking,

9:33

let's get this over with. And

9:36

never did it again. He was a

9:38

good friend of mine though. He was a funny

9:41

man. Funny man. What's

9:43

big in my mind is Wilson,

9:45

Capil and Betty. Yeah,

9:48

the sand dance. Nobody could nick their

9:50

act, could they? No. Now

9:52

what's funny is if you describe that act to people, they

9:54

say, well, what's good about that? Well, it's nothing. It's walking.

9:58

It's just skipping a bit. Isn't

10:00

it? On sand. Rules and capital and

10:03

betting. Fabulous, eh, Wirr? Well,

10:05

I'm really honored that you've allowed me

10:07

to come to your beautiful home here

10:10

in the heart of London. Well, as Dawes

10:12

always said, and I'm reminded

10:14

now, before we go any further, that

10:18

shall we get the business side of it?

10:20

Always a good idea. Oh! You're,

10:23

that's what I said, you

10:25

can take the boy out of Brixton, and

10:28

he can't take Brixton out of the boy. Put that in

10:30

your pocket. It's not an enormous

10:32

amount, I'm a friend, but it'll do. How

10:35

much is there then? Enough. Honestly,

10:37

I wish I could offer more. I wish you

10:39

could. Yes. We both wish that, why don't

10:41

we do it? Yes,

10:44

well, I never thought I'd end up talking to Jesse James,

10:46

so. Jesse James, yeah. Call me

10:48

Jesse James at school. Yeah, so

10:50

how did that all start then? How did you, you

10:53

say you sat in the gods watching these things and

10:55

never thought about going on the stage, so how did

10:57

it come about? Well,

10:59

there was a place called

11:02

Legrand where Michael Caine used

11:04

to sit in there with his

11:06

best mate, Terence Stamp, and

11:09

I used to sit in there and had

11:12

a book full of pictures,

11:14

and I'd be going round to funny

11:16

agents and doing modeling jobs and bits

11:18

and pieces. I was in

11:20

there one day, and an act called

11:22

Larry Taylor came in, and

11:25

I'd just seen him in a film

11:27

that afternoon. Right. And you

11:29

know when you've never seen anybody in person

11:31

that you see on, I went fuck it.

11:33

I said, hang on a minute. I said,

11:36

I've just seen you in a movie. He

11:38

said, yes. He said, yes. I

11:40

said, I can't believe it here.

11:43

That before, go on, yeah. I

11:46

said, how'd you get into the, how'd you, I've

11:48

just seen you, I can't believe it. He

11:51

said, well, you should be in the city. He

11:54

said, you're a good looking boy. I said, well,

11:56

there's nothing wrong with your eyesight. I

11:59

said, He said, go

12:02

and see. Next to

12:04

the London Palladium stage door,

12:06

there's a little office there,

12:09

Film Artist Association, you

12:11

become a film extra. So

12:13

I went to see this woman and

12:15

she went all the way through, do you have

12:18

this, do you have that? And then the

12:20

last question is the one that, because you don't

12:22

have one, she shows you to the door,

12:24

she says, you know,

12:26

do you have this, do you have

12:28

that? Even, you know, of course, people

12:30

didn't even have swimsuits in those days.

12:32

Swimsuit, yes, da da da da. And

12:34

then the last thing, do you

12:37

have a dinner jacket? I

12:39

said, yes. I said, of course, my father's a

12:41

Mason and ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

12:43

And once a year we have them in that

12:45

bubble. So I became a

12:47

film extra. And the first

12:50

film was Reach for the Sky.

12:52

Wow. And I

12:54

was in it a lot, marching

12:56

up and down with who was

12:58

the fella, the big star then?

13:01

Hadn't a big affair with the actress,

13:03

younger, younger actress. Oh, that that

13:05

doesn't matter. More,

13:08

is it more? No, not more. Oh, yeah,

13:10

Kenneth Moore. Kenneth? Yeah. Kenneth Moore.

13:12

Yeah. And yeah, he was looking

13:14

for people to do a close

13:16

up and he said, you're one

13:18

of the thin people, because

13:21

it was a concentration camp thing. He

13:23

said, right to me, you're due. And

13:26

another fella, big fat fella said,

13:29

What about me? He said, No, no, no. He

13:31

said, I can't use you.

13:34

He said, you're too fat. He said,

13:36

Oh, God, he said, I only got captured

13:38

yesterday. Very

13:42

good answer. That's what filmmakers did.

13:44

They say, say you finish at

13:47

five o'clock, the third assistant, you say, Come on,

13:49

we got to get this in the can. Otherwise

13:51

you will have to go and know a day

13:53

and we don't want to do another day. So

13:55

come on. And then he

13:57

come back with all behind. And

14:00

fucking cupboards. Where are you at in

14:02

the third assistant? You, the real thing.

14:06

Okay, first thing tomorrow, up, you

14:08

know, up I'll stay here tomorrow.

14:11

Another day's work. And then I

14:13

used to follow Maxwell Reed. I

14:16

saw him one day walking, from Piccadilly

14:18

Circus down to where the

14:20

Hilton is, Hyde Park Corner. And

14:23

I did this walk every night, you know,

14:25

it's a nice walk and I always see

14:27

funny people. I'm at Ava

14:29

Gardner doing that. We

14:32

had a little affair. So

14:34

it was a bit of a lucky place.

14:36

And Maxwell Reed, God, he was, you know,

14:39

he couldn't act, but he was a great looking guy.

14:41

Do you remember Maxwell Reed? He was Diddley

14:44

Dum's first. Yeah, Joan Collins. Yes,

14:46

and that's another story, Joan Collins.

14:49

I can't help. 11

14:52

o'clock at the ballroom, she says, they come and see me.

14:54

They went 11 o'clock. Fucking

14:56

over the door, she had a dressing gown on

14:59

and pulled me in. Yeah.

15:04

So let's look at the things that you'd like to

15:06

put into a time capsule and see what stories they

15:08

open for us. Oh dear. You'll be

15:10

all right. Well, I've

15:13

got all these funny things here. My

15:15

autobiography Blitz to Glitz. Yeah.

15:19

Good title, isn't it? It's a good title.

15:21

To Glitz. Blitz to Glitz. Because I lived

15:23

through the Blitz. I wondered in

15:26

fact if you'd named this farm, because

15:28

that seemed rather appropriate as well.

15:30

Yes. Duck is farmed, duck is

15:32

farmed. Yes. Yeah, so busy,

15:34

duck is farmed. Blitz

15:36

to Glitz then. So this

15:39

has just been released, Blitz to Glitz. Yes,

15:41

and the thing is Simon sorted it

15:43

all out and wrote it with me,

15:46

bit by bit, and it's

15:48

rather a good read. There

15:50

are only 60 chapters in it, which

15:53

to me suggests you've had quite a full

15:56

life. Yes. And

15:58

unfortunately, I would. probably

16:00

lose a lot of fans when they

16:02

read that. Right. Because when I was

16:05

a young man and I only

16:08

had my looks, I was a

16:10

dancer at school and I got

16:12

into the West End and started

16:14

going to these tea dances with

16:17

these women whose husbands

16:19

had died or

16:21

were on the game. I'd

16:24

found out how

16:27

to get an income to

16:29

live with these old women. A

16:31

good looking young lad. A good looking

16:34

young lad and I felt this is

16:36

easy money. So, well, I

16:38

mean, I was a West End Ponce. It's

16:41

terrible, isn't it? That's another title for a

16:44

biography though, isn't it? West

16:46

End Ponce I was. Then

16:49

we had the situation that we

16:51

used to be in a club,

16:53

the pub in Windmill Street and

16:55

the fella used to say, to

16:57

us good looking boys, the craze

16:59

rung the way. Make

17:02

yourself scarce otherwise if

17:04

he comes in and he says, come

17:06

back to this house, you

17:08

have to go. Yes. And

17:12

if you go, you're fucked. So

17:16

there was all of that going on. So

17:19

I had a period of not

17:21

knowing what to do until I

17:23

met this fella in the cafe,

17:25

so he'd become a film extra.

17:27

I became a film extra and

17:30

then somebody came and had his

17:32

own chair. And I said,

17:34

why has he got his own chair? He said,

17:36

well, he had a few lines. I

17:39

said, well, I can do a few lines. I

17:41

said, no, that's different. You have to become a

17:43

member of equity. And the only

17:45

way to become a member of equity

17:47

is to go away and rep for

17:49

four points a week and get your

17:51

equity card. So I went to Charles

17:54

Dembele. Oh, it was wonderful. He was

17:56

an old, old actor, producer with Dangraf

17:58

on his. all of

18:00

these things. And his

18:02

wife was 68 or something and played

18:04

all the parts, all

18:07

the juvenile parts. And

18:09

then she's playing a part. So

18:11

I've got put grey on my

18:13

hair to look old. And

18:17

I walked on and

18:19

she came on and she stopped.

18:22

And I fell over because

18:24

I didn't know that people

18:27

stopped and wait for applause.

18:29

And she came in and

18:31

stopped. So I fell

18:34

over, put my hands

18:36

down and I could see this halo

18:38

of because I'd put talcum powder

18:40

in my hair to make me

18:42

gray. And I saw this powder

18:44

go like, oh,

18:48

it was great fun. So as a boy,

18:50

did you stay in Brixton during the war

18:52

when the blitz was happening? Yes. Wow. There

18:55

must have been a lot of bombing in Brixton when you

18:57

were a boy then. Yeah, I used to go out

18:59

and watch it. Because

19:02

it was further away from the docks

19:04

so you could watch it happen. Yeah,

19:06

I could go out and bomb on

19:08

and I was in and

19:11

there's some terrible things as well. I remember an

19:14

airplane came down and

19:17

the women went and killed this

19:19

German. Terrible. They

19:21

wouldn't let me look so that they walked

19:23

me back off the field and

19:26

they stuck a fork in there and things.

19:28

I mean, it was just terrible. I

19:31

never understood the situation where

19:34

all these wonderful Americans had

19:37

wonderful costumes. Uniformed.

19:39

Uniformed costumes. And

19:41

our soldiers looked like, but

19:47

these Americans and

19:49

the kids to come along and throw chewing

19:51

gum out the train, so all us kids.

19:54

And then they used to go to the

19:57

Hyde Park Cumberland Hotel.

20:00

all the wives used to go there because

20:02

that's where all the Americans were. And

20:06

they were shagging all these funny

20:08

wives and they were writing things

20:10

saying, oh yes, I'm very lonely

20:12

darling, but they were down there

20:15

with the yanks. And

20:17

it was so happening there

20:20

that a lot of English guys, two

20:22

or three I knew quite well, they pretended

20:25

they were Americans so they could chag all

20:27

these. And

20:29

they all had moody American accents

20:32

and they used to go to these

20:34

funny shops to buy American uniforms,

20:37

army and navy stores. No, right,

20:39

yeah. Get back

20:41

in costumes. People were saying,

20:43

I got a minute, you're a bit young for a general.

20:46

And get poor funny acts. Oh, it was a

20:48

terrible day. Oh, it's

20:50

terrible. It was terrible. I was going to

20:52

the West End and bring yanks back to all

20:54

the old birds in where I lived. I never

20:57

saw a mum with one, but my

20:59

granddad had a

21:02

fire like that. And

21:04

the thing on the top was

21:06

always tea on there all

21:08

day long. And didn't

21:11

have carpets, with people that had carpets,

21:13

you had lino. And

21:16

tea was always going. The toilet

21:18

was outside. And one

21:20

of my jobs was to cut up newspapers and

21:22

put them on the hook for the toilet. And

21:25

my friend next door, I was

21:28

to my playmate. I

21:30

woke up one morning and that, you know,

21:32

it's amazing how you sleep through this, but

21:34

the house next door was gone. But

21:38

on the top of the toilet

21:40

was the girl's arm. You

21:43

know, I knew it was her arm. She

21:45

was my by playmate. We

21:47

all had chickens then because people used to

21:49

eat the chickens. And I went

21:51

in and said to my granddad, the chicken is

21:53

done, I'm a bum. But

21:56

chickens all blew up. So,

21:59

it was a terrible day. So

22:01

that's all right, let's put from blitz to glitz,

22:04

the time capsule, because in a way

22:06

that's putting your entire life in. But

22:08

I'm happy to do that for you.

22:11

And am I allowed to keep this

22:13

copy? Yes. Wonderful. It's quite interesting because

22:15

I lose a lot of fans. Well,

22:17

may discover new ones. Well, I don't

22:19

know, necessarily I'm really peculiar. What

22:24

happened? There was a

22:26

time when all movies

22:29

glamorized gangsters. Gangster

22:32

films are the thing. And I

22:34

love James Cagney. And

22:36

I wanted to be James Cagney. I wanted

22:39

to shoot people, kill people. And

22:42

then he came up in another

22:44

film and he was dancing. And

22:47

smiling, I thought, fuck this, what's

22:49

he doing? I

22:51

thought it was a gangster, but he wasn't. He

22:53

was a solo dance man. So

22:55

that really spoils it all for me. Otherwise

22:59

you would have ended up with a craze. Yeah,

23:01

yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, your life is full of

23:03

lots of turns and lots of

23:05

moments. What they call sliding door moments, aren't they

23:07

really? But being good looking kind of saved me

23:10

because I used to go to tea dancing and

23:13

get all of these old birds that

23:15

were default stop. And

23:17

it was great because they looked

23:19

after me and paid for everything.

23:22

And then as I got

23:24

into show business and left all

23:26

that behind, thank God. Otherwise

23:28

I would have finished up probably. Being

23:31

defended by my dad, who was the

23:33

criminal solicitor to defense in southeast London.

23:36

So he would have been the man,

23:38

I think. He did the craze

23:40

and all those people. Oh, the craze.

23:42

I went to see him. Right. Oh,

23:45

it was funny. Doors phoned me

23:47

and said, Ronnie wants to see

23:49

you. I said, Ronnie who? She

23:51

said, Ronnie Craig. I

23:53

said, he's in fucking prison. And she said, yes.

23:56

And he wants you to go and see him. I said, no,

23:58

I'm not going there. I think you

24:00

better judge. You can't say no to Ronnie

24:03

Cray. Wow. In fact, in

24:05

that book there, there's a letter from Ronnie

24:07

Cray, isn't there? So I go and see

24:09

Ronnie Cray. Well, first of

24:11

all, it's all done properly. A

24:14

guy comes to my house, a gangster,

24:16

and takes me out the night before. Took

24:19

me to be in place then, in

24:21

Covent Garden. He was a nice fella,

24:23

Joey Powell, his name was. We went

24:26

to Joe Allen's and then I went

24:28

to see Ronnie Cray. And we go

24:30

into a room about this size. Big

24:33

then? Yeah, and he's sitting there.

24:35

He's got all the time in the world. So

24:38

it's, hello Jess. How

24:43

are you? Oh,

24:45

fucking hell. He's going to be

24:47

here all day. Don't be here all day. And

24:50

he said, oh, you look wonderful

24:52

and all that. He said, you keep

24:54

fit. I said, oh yes, yes. I

24:57

said to you, Ronnie, keep fit.

24:59

She said, oh yes, yes, I keep fit.

25:03

So I looked at the window and I

25:05

said, do you run around that field, Ron?

25:08

He said, no, no, no. Around

25:10

this room. Then

25:13

he leaned forward and said, I'd like you

25:16

to come and do a show for me.

25:19

And I saw myself when he said

25:21

that, as I do a show then,

25:23

was in a cat suit. With

25:27

the obvious all on show.

25:31

Bulging thing for women, you see.

25:33

And the suit was cut, so

25:35

everything was showing and blah, blah,

25:37

blah, blah. And then he leaned

25:39

forward and said, mum, there's no

25:41

objects. So in those days,

25:44

you had to take a band with you.

25:47

And I said, we're going to Bawb

25:49

Bawb. And the band said, we're not

25:51

going to Bawb Bawb. And

25:53

they were on 25 quid a week then. So

25:57

I said, well, I'll give you 25 quid just for the band.

26:00

one show all really. So I

26:02

had number one sell, they had number two

26:05

sell. And we went out there, did

26:07

Johnny be good? But out of

26:09

that Johnny be good. Yeah,

26:12

yeah, yeah, yeah. And I

26:14

stand out waiting for the

26:16

applause that all my life

26:18

I've had, so that I

26:20

have to reprise it. Two,

26:22

three, four, you know,

26:24

and do it again. Yeah.

26:26

No, there was no sound

26:29

at all. Just Ronnie

26:31

going, yeah, clapping by himself. And

26:34

then he looked around and all these people

26:36

who had broken noses and funny ears, they

26:38

all joined in and clapped

26:40

and stuff. But it was quite a,

26:42

I mean, it's one of those things where

26:44

you never forget, you know, and then he

26:46

wrote this, the letter that's in the book

26:48

in funny writing, isn't it? It's terrible writing.

26:51

Thank you for coming and come

26:53

see me again. Good Lord.

26:55

All right, we've got the first thing in

26:57

the time capsule, we've got your autobiography. So

26:59

what would be the second? So what

27:03

happened when

27:05

I was a film extra? Yeah. Was

27:07

the fact because I knew I was good

27:09

looking and everything. I used

27:12

to go to the leading ladies and

27:14

lots of leading ladies then came

27:16

to England at the end of their

27:18

sort of Hollywood times, and sort of

27:20

got a film here. And they

27:23

always stayed at the Dorchester.

27:25

And I knew that and

27:27

I was to say, Oh, hello.

27:31

How are you? And they said,

27:33

Oh, yes, I was wondering about

27:35

you. I was going

27:37

to ask who that boy was. And

27:39

it's nice to say hello. And I

27:42

said, Where were you staying? And I always

27:44

say the thing. I said, Oh, I bet

27:47

it's lovely there. I've never been there. Would

27:49

you like to come for tea? Oh,

27:52

I'd love to come for tea. So I was to go to the

27:54

tree and finish up in

27:56

bed with all these old birds that come over

27:58

here. So that was

28:00

quite good doing that. A

28:03

lot of good looking boys were film extras and

28:06

they finished up old men still being

28:08

film extras. And I

28:10

didn't really want to do that. So

28:12

I wanted to see in those days,

28:15

you had to be a member of

28:17

equity to speak. Yeah. Now it doesn't

28:19

matter. It's all gone. Something's didn't do

28:21

with Maggie Thatcher, wasn't it?

28:24

Closed shots. Yeah. Yeah. I run.

28:26

So she wanted everybody to open a shop. So,

28:30

um, yes, I went

28:32

into rep to get my equity

28:34

card, which was fantastic. Went to

28:36

Abberist with the great times in

28:38

rep weekly rep. And then

28:40

I did another few

28:43

things like that. And then Monty Mackey,

28:45

who was a big agent, they had

28:47

Richard Todd, who was a big star

28:49

there, the El Parker agency.

28:51

She came to see me in

28:54

something and she thought she saw

28:56

some ba-ba-ba-ba. So she looked

28:58

after me and there

29:00

was a film of the week and play of

29:02

the week on television, there

29:04

were only two channels in those days and

29:07

play of the week. I did play of the week. And

29:09

then this, this play of the week, I played a part

29:12

of a pop star and,

29:15

um, this pop star, they

29:17

said they wanted the best looking man.

29:20

So the man, Paul Carpenter, I

29:22

played everything. He

29:25

was a sort of American. He

29:27

wasn't, but he played everything. So he

29:30

played the fella and they said they

29:32

wanted a composite picture of, you know,

29:34

the best nose in the world, somebody's

29:37

ears. So you get a really beautiful

29:39

man. It's all bits and pieces of

29:41

other people. Instead of

29:43

that, he just took a picture of his young brother, which

29:45

was me. Barney Day. So he

29:47

took a picture of me and,

29:50

uh, it was a play of the week. And

29:52

because it was about the good looking guy and

29:55

I was on the screen, the

29:57

publicity was unbelievable. There

29:59

was a. strike as well. And

30:02

there were only two channels. I

30:04

think mine was the only channel on that

30:06

night. So everybody watched it Friday night. And

30:10

then I went to see Jack Goode, who was the

30:13

Simon Cowell of that era. Yeah. And

30:16

you do Oh boy. Oh

30:18

boy. And he put me straight

30:20

in Oh boy, singing a duet

30:22

with Billy Fury to

30:24

see how I stood up with Billy Fugel's Billy

30:27

Fugel was the big heartthrob of the thing. And

30:30

there was a singer in America called

30:32

Fabian, was a great

30:34

looking guy, but not much of a

30:36

singer. So I was a clone England's

30:38

Fabian. And then all of

30:40

a sudden, you know, Bill came along

30:43

and gave me a party in Joseph.

30:45

So I started doing musicals.

30:47

You did Godspell as well, didn't you?

30:49

Godspell I did. Yes, I did Godspell.

30:51

Yeah, I like Godspell. It was, it

30:53

was, it was great Godspell. I

30:55

saw David Essex David Essex did it in

30:58

the West End. I did the tour and

31:00

we took more money than the West End. And

31:03

actually it was a better show because

31:05

all the girls became famous, didn't they?

31:08

Leslie Joseph, Susie Blake,

31:11

and then the very good looking

31:13

boy, Gary Miller's son, Gary

31:16

Miller was, was a heartthrob in the

31:18

fifties, wasn't he? So he was in

31:20

it. So that was

31:22

Godspell. Then I did Joseph. How

31:24

long did you do Joseph for? Well, I

31:27

could have done it forever. Never had a

31:29

contract with Bill

31:31

Ken, right? Just friends. And

31:34

we went to Blackpool to do it. And

31:37

to be a hit in Blackpool was

31:39

like the West End, it's unbelievable Blackpool.

31:42

And we were the big hit there. Snorlbits

31:45

was on one of the piers with

31:47

a dog. There's a famous story about Mike

31:50

and Bernie, when Mike and Bernie Winters were

31:52

going when Mike Winters used to come on

31:54

and sing a few songs and tell a

31:56

few jokes, then Bernie Winters would come

31:59

on. Yeah. As Bernie Winters came on,

32:01

somebody shouted, oh, fucking hell, there's two of

32:03

them. Oh, yes, there's two of them,

32:05

my bad. Yeah,

32:08

there's two of them, yes. No,

32:11

what happened was

32:13

it was part of the

32:15

act that made it even better.

32:18

Bernie's entrance, was he putting his head

32:20

round the curtain and he went, ee,

32:23

you know, and he went, oh,

32:25

fuck me, there's two of them. It's

32:29

a wonderful story. So he used to come

32:31

to me every night because he would finish

32:33

before me and he'd come over to

32:36

me because he knew all

32:38

the birds would be around me and

32:40

just go out. He loved the

32:42

bird. An extraordinary thing to be,

32:44

top of the bill, in Blackpool and

32:46

to be the number one show. It

32:49

really is more than being a West

32:51

End hit. Yes, yes, it was unbelievable.

32:54

I could go anywhere after

32:56

the show and have a

32:58

meal and they said, no, come

33:00

every night. Thank you very much, yes. Yes,

33:02

so I used to go to the one

33:04

restaurant every night, picture up on

33:07

the wall and they said, just come

33:09

right, that comes every night. What

33:11

time? Oh, he's when the show's

33:13

finished and they used to sort of sell me

33:15

as a dessert, a

33:19

special dessert. So I went

33:21

every night and had a free meal. I

33:24

lived for nothing really. I

33:26

had a flat and one of the

33:28

boys said, Dave

33:31

Alford, big. Cheeky,

33:37

so. To

33:39

be a hit in Blackpool is amazing because

33:42

it really is the Vegas of

33:44

England. And of course I played

33:46

Vegas. I went there and played

33:48

Vegas, which was another

33:50

great experience. Playing Vegas

33:53

was absolutely fantastic.

33:56

With Kelly Lynch. Yeah.

34:00

because he was my best mate. Trouble

34:02

was, I had to wake him up every fucking time

34:04

he had to go on, because he fell asleep in

34:06

the dressing room. I said, you're on.

34:09

He said, how am I doing? I said, no, you're

34:11

fucking off, get on. But

34:14

Kenny was so laid back. I miss

34:17

him, he died because he died recently.

34:19

Well, only a couple of years

34:21

now. Yeah, people forget what

34:23

a huge star Kenny Lynch was. Yeah,

34:25

yeah. I mean, to be on the

34:27

cover of Band on the Run Yeah,

34:29

yeah, yeah. is pretty impressive, isn't it?

34:31

Yes, he was my best mate. We

34:33

had lots of really good times together.

34:36

A lot of them very naughty, but good times.

34:40

Very naughty. There's a theme running through this.

34:42

Yeah, very naughty, very naughty. So

34:44

let's move on to the next thing you've got on your

34:47

list that you'd want to put in a time capsule. Well,

34:50

I'm moved to leave Jess's very comfortable and

34:52

somewhat palatial living room, but we have to

34:54

take a break here in case the podcast

34:56

provider you're listening to this on wants to

34:58

try and tempt you with some adverts. We'll

35:00

be back when they're done. Wow.

35:07

Why? Nice? Yeah,

35:11

What you're hearing are the sounds

35:13

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35:36

cast. Welcome

35:39

back. Right, let's throw another log on

35:41

the fire and settle down to hear

35:43

what else Jess Conrad wants in his

35:45

time capsule. A

35:48

mirror. Why? Yes, well, yes,

35:50

I am vain. And

35:53

it relaxes me when I look in

35:55

a mirror because if I'm sharing a

35:57

dressing room, I look at the

35:59

other fellow. and they don't look in

36:01

mirrors because they're fucking shocked. So

36:07

being a good looking man and looking in the

36:09

mirror is quite good. It kind of puts

36:11

you where you should be. Some people say

36:13

that it can be a curse. It's difficult being good

36:16

looking. Yes, it is. It is. But

36:19

you have to play it, you know, if

36:21

you're in a club, you say, hi, fellas,

36:23

the posers here. You've said it. They're

36:26

thinking it. And if you don't say it, they

36:29

say, oh, this look at it, the fucking beer,

36:31

the beer, the beer. And

36:33

in fact, Ollie Reed, who was my

36:36

best friend for years, went so far

36:38

as to get himself cut. You

36:40

know, he loved it. He had a fight and

36:42

they'd shift him, cut him. And he loved it.

36:45

He loved it because, you know, it gave

36:47

him that. And I

36:50

was going to because it

36:52

was a good thing, I thought. If

36:54

you have a shiv mark, a cut,

36:57

it means you're a telly boy. So

37:00

it's good to be cut. So

37:03

the times I've been in front of the

37:05

mirror with a knife, going, I've got to

37:07

cut myself because it'd be great if I

37:09

had a cut. I can't

37:11

remain perfect the rest of my life.

37:13

No, I can't. Well, you know, the

37:15

cut was the main, finished

37:17

it off. I mean, because I'd say you've

37:19

been cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a

37:21

fight, but you know, you should see the

37:23

other guy, you know. And

37:26

it's true. I mean, I remember

37:29

Heinz. Rock

37:31

and roll is a very funny, funny thing. You

37:34

do things, you know, like

37:37

you kneel down on one number, you

37:39

jump up on an amp, you

37:42

put your foot out on one side of the

37:44

stage and they can see your foot, your

37:47

Peyton's shoe. Yes. And then

37:49

all of a sudden they see it on the

37:51

other side as well. But

37:53

that's one of the stage hands. Yeah. Putting

37:56

these foot out. But all those

37:58

funny gimmicks when you're rock and roll. and

38:01

jumping up on the amp. It's silly,

38:03

isn't it? Just jumping up on an amp is

38:05

no big deal. Hines came in

38:07

because I jumped up on the amp

38:09

like he did. Do you remember Hines?

38:12

No, I don't. He was the boyfriend

38:14

of the man who made the records,

38:17

Joe Meek. Right. Yeah. When he records

38:19

you and he gives you

38:21

notes, he opened the door to

38:23

give me a note and he had

38:26

the bonnet on. It was a bit of a

38:28

shock really. Hines

38:30

was his boyfriend. His

38:33

roadie said that I jumped up on the amp

38:36

and he came in and said, you

38:38

jumped up on the amp, you're stealing

38:40

my act. I said, I'll fuck off.

38:42

I said, we're all stealing Elvis' act.

38:44

He went, I said, look, if you

38:47

don't go, you're going to get fucking

38:50

hurt. Because I

38:53

was all West End gangster boy.

38:56

I grabbed hold of him and I nodded him. The

38:59

nose went crushed, the nose went

39:02

flat, but he wouldn't stop. So

39:04

then I need him. So he's Balak's

39:06

old god. That was it. When

39:09

they made the film, Tell Star,

39:11

Jess was played by an actor and

39:13

I played Larry Parnes. Right. Who was the

39:16

actor? Nigel Harmon. Played by Nigel Harmon?

39:18

He looks like me because he's on

39:20

television. He came to my house. He was

39:22

just unstrictly come dancing. Yes. He came

39:24

to my house because he was an

39:26

actor that wanted like method. He wanted to

39:28

know about me. And then

39:31

he said something to him. She said, you

39:33

sure your mother never met my husband? Because

39:37

we did. We did look similar.

39:41

When they did the film, yeah, they made

39:43

it into a joke, a

39:45

bit of a joke, instead of a real one. But

39:49

it was a real, you know, I really don't

39:52

like it. But it's frightening really because

39:54

the nose went. And then

39:56

when I saw him later on, you know, the

39:58

broken nose, I was. bit upset about

40:00

it. He

40:03

had a funny nose. End

40:05

of his career. Yes. End of

40:07

his career. So we were

40:09

just, there is your wife. I was just going

40:11

to ask him about you. So

40:13

Renee was at this party.

40:16

I was making a film with Pauline Ahn

40:19

and having an affair with her. I

40:22

was living with an actress called Billy

40:24

Hammerberger was there as well.

40:27

And then I saw this one and

40:30

I worked the room and then

40:32

she was standing against the wall and I leaned, I

40:35

leaned like that and got really close to

40:37

her. So she could see this wonderful face.

40:41

And I said, hello, who are you?

40:43

What are you? You asked

40:45

me out. So she said,

40:47

yes, she said, I might come out

40:50

with you when you get rid of

40:52

her, her and her.

40:54

So that's how he met

40:56

was not terribly romantic. And

40:59

then he said, can I have your telephone number?

41:01

I said, no. And then the very next day

41:03

I'm doing a film, an

41:06

advert, advertising a scooter. And

41:09

all of a sudden he came in. There was this girl I'd

41:11

met. The night before. Yeah. Yeah.

41:13

The only one who it seems to me

41:15

was able to resist your extraordinarily beautiful face.

41:17

We drove to the airport

41:19

and when you could go up the steps. A

41:22

day shoot and you tried to. No

41:25

attention. All right. You even turn

41:27

off the damn scooter. I

41:30

took no notice. No, no, but let me,

41:34

let me say the one thing that you

41:36

put your right. I said, I'm

41:38

sorry. All you can see is my back. And

41:41

she said, nevermind. She said your back's

41:43

better than most men's fronts. That

41:46

did it for her. I thought that's good. And

41:48

then I couldn't write, right. You know, you say

41:50

you can do everything. You can do it. I

41:52

couldn't do that. I couldn't. I couldn't. I

41:55

said I could drive a motorbike, but I couldn't.

42:00

Off we went. Oh my God, it was

42:02

that. This is it Brighton. Perfect.

42:05

It married 60 years. Well, he was on tour most

42:07

of the time, so I had my... You're

42:10

concerned it's about 10. What difference does that make?

42:13

Well, you were never there, weren't you? Oh, no, I

42:15

was never there. And when I was there,

42:17

I wasn't there, because I was a West End boy. I

42:19

was out a lot with... Well,

42:21

the Doors was my closest friend.

42:24

Diana Doors. Yeah. Never

42:26

an item. Although we wanted it. She

42:29

wanted it to be. But

42:31

I knew that if we became an

42:33

item, it would be... She came to

42:35

my house to see if I was...

42:38

Whether the wife was a bit trick or whatever.

42:42

Whether there was a chance of getting hold of this

42:44

man. And she realized that

42:46

I was all diddly-dumbed up.

42:49

And so we became just

42:52

great friends. Oh,

42:54

God, we had such fun. So

42:56

we used to... It was a bit... You

43:00

could beam the money, haven't you? I have given you the

43:02

money. Don't we on a meter? She... No,

43:05

no, no, listen. I'd

43:07

go to these places with her, you see. One

43:10

night stands and I used to go with her,

43:13

because we had a great fun.

43:16

So... This

43:20

funny guy came in and the Doors said,

43:26

look up a friend of me. He

43:29

said, no, just Conrad. Oh,

43:31

just Conrad. Yes. And

43:34

he kept talking about this tree that

43:36

was in the room. Went up

43:39

to the ceiling and then all the... And

43:41

he said, this tree is this, it's

43:44

that. And I don't know

43:46

what the fuck I was talking about. All I'm doing

43:48

is looking in the mirror, see if I can go

43:50

on stage in a minute. So

43:53

this tree's there. It's in the dressing room. So we're

43:55

in the office with a big tree in the middle.

43:59

So Doors... says all of a sudden she's like, oh,

44:01

I've done it for a pee. I said,

44:03

well, I said, you can go out

44:06

there. But there's all the ordnance out

44:08

there. Oh, she said, I can't pee

44:10

where the ordnance are. I said, well,

44:12

that's where they are. All I said,

44:15

you know, you can pee in the

44:17

base of the tree. Water

44:20

the tree. Yeah. So, you know,

44:22

as we were friends and mates, so it's

44:24

gusset to one side and two sides.

44:27

Well, I've seen horses

44:29

pee, but I've never

44:31

seen anything like this. It

44:34

was gushing. You

44:36

know, then gusset back

44:39

on. She went a

44:41

little bit and there

44:43

was a kerfuffle about, there

44:45

was no lighting or something. So I

44:48

went at the back and she saw

44:50

Rock Hudson, Doris Day used to go

44:52

on and then Rock Hudson used to

44:55

come on stage with a bunch

44:57

of flowers and she said, Rock

44:59

Hudson, ladies and gentlemen, me and

45:01

me at Butchford. So what Doris

45:04

used to do was we'd go

45:06

to these gigs and she'd buy

45:08

a bunch of flowers and I'd

45:10

be Rock Hudson and go, Jess

45:12

Conrad, ladies and

45:14

gentlemen, Jess Conrad, two for

45:16

the price of one comes to mind. I

45:19

give her the bunch of flowers. Oh, thank

45:21

you, Jess. You know, so she

45:24

goes on. I'm putting the line,

45:26

come back. The tree's

45:28

dead. Kill

45:31

the tree. So

45:33

I thought I said to Doris,

45:35

I said, look, I said, this

45:37

is weird. I said, the man I

45:39

go berserk. He said, well, let's

45:42

get out of here. We

45:44

jumped in the car and

45:47

got back home. But it

45:50

was funny buying flowers to give yourself.

45:52

She was a very fine actress, wasn't

45:54

she? Oh, she was wonderful. Wonderful.

45:58

She died in my arms. Terrible.

46:05

We had such fun. We had our

46:07

own chairs in Tramp,

46:10

the nightclub, and

46:12

people used to come and want to sit

46:14

in, you know, in Diana's chair. It was

46:16

sort of one of those funny chair things.

46:20

Yeah, she was a

46:23

good girl, funny girl. So

46:25

as you see, René was a top

46:28

model and I married her and it

46:30

worked very well. Been happy

46:32

a long time. It's amazing, isn't

46:34

it? Because especially in show business,

46:36

they don't last five minutes. No. And

46:39

particularly for a man who, up

46:41

to that point, puts it about a bit. Puts it

46:43

about a bit. Yes,

46:47

it is terrible. So is there a specific reason

46:49

you'd want to put a mirror in the time

46:51

capsule? What was the thing that really makes you

46:53

think of a mirror, apart from looking at

46:56

yourself? Yes. Well, when

46:58

I'm introduced, you know, when

47:00

I go out to clubs and things, they

47:03

suggest Conrad here, ladies and gentlemen, just

47:05

come and I stand up and

47:07

I've got a pink mirror and

47:09

I take it out and look at

47:11

myself. And I got that from an

47:14

American called Gorgeous George. Yeah, it was

47:16

a boxer, a very vain boxer. And

47:18

a bit like Muhammad Ali's never hit.

47:21

Yes, yes, yes. And always looked in

47:23

the mirror and I thought, oh, I'll

47:25

make that. That's good

47:27

for me. And it's worked

47:29

very well as sort of

47:31

a trademark. Yeah. I might

47:34

think of myself. Yeah. And

47:36

they laugh. People laugh at it, you know.

47:38

Of course. So doing that is

47:40

just taking the novel off it, you know,

47:42

it's just taking the piss out yourself. Yeah.

47:44

It's doing it before they do it. They're

47:46

thinking it and then I do it. It's

47:49

very good. It makes it acceptable to say

47:51

it on the hands of that. Yeah. Yeah.

47:53

All right. Just say yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because

47:55

if you say, you know, I fell as

47:57

the posers here, they're fucked, aren't they? Yeah.

48:00

Beautiful. Sorry about that. That's

48:02

all right. Let's move on to number three then, which is?

48:05

Well, I mean, the pullover was,

48:08

there was a time when

48:10

people sang about pillows to

48:12

cry on, blue suede shoes.

48:16

So singing about a pullover seemed

48:18

to be a good gimmick. I've

48:21

got hundreds of pullovers that fans sent

48:23

me. Oh, God, so many. Because

48:26

of your soul, my pullover. This pullover

48:28

that you gave to me. I

48:32

am wearing and wear it

48:34

constantly. Soft

48:37

and warming, it will always

48:39

be. Like

48:41

the true love you always give to

48:43

me. All together now. La,

48:46

la, la, la, la, la, la,

48:50

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la,

48:52

la, la, la, la. So

48:55

I had the world's worst record because the

48:58

disc jockey, Kenny Everett

49:01

said four or five times a

49:03

day, are you awake, Jess?

49:05

I'm going to play your record now as

49:08

if we were friends and he'd play it again. And

49:11

he made it like a big

49:14

hit. Yeah. This pullover, the world's worst record.

49:16

It was on that LP that he released. Yes,

49:18

it was on the LP. It's the world's worst

49:20

record. I mean, I've got the world's

49:22

worst record. And it's not

49:24

easy to sing that badly. And

49:27

that's the best I could sing. But

49:29

I told him I was doing it on purpose. So

49:33

people send you loads of pullovers. Oh,

49:36

absolutely. Absolutely.

49:38

I had so many pullovers. So

49:42

I did a film called Conga,

49:44

was it Conga? And sang that

49:46

song. And because they thought

49:48

it was too long or they held

49:50

the film up, they took it out.

49:54

Now, if I'd left it in, Conga

49:56

was voted the world's worst

49:59

horror movie. Instead

50:01

of King Kong taking fair

50:03

fay way up the Empire State

50:06

Building, Kong chased the pop star

50:08

up Big Ben. I

50:13

can't imagine why people thought it was bad. So

50:16

it worked very well, this pull over. I

50:18

used to do in pantomime, I used to do a joke where

50:20

I say I was driving along the M1, knitting.

50:24

And a policeman came by me on a motorbike and he led towards

50:26

the window and I whaled it down. He

50:28

said, pull over, pull over. I said, no,

50:30

it's a cardigan. Terrible joke. Yes. I

50:34

played villain in panto, not like with

50:36

a beard or scar. I

50:39

played the villain because I was vain. I'm

50:42

Baron Hardav. I'm the best looking man

50:44

in the land. Oh, no,

50:46

you're not. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no, you're

50:48

yet the kids. Oh, yes, I am. And

50:51

I bring them there. And

50:53

the whole thing about me being a villain

50:55

was the fact that I was vain. That's

50:57

all. I didn't put any funny faces on.

51:01

It was just that I was so in love with

51:03

myself. They hate me, the kids.

51:06

I'm the best looking man. You know, oh, no, you

51:09

know. Yes, I am. Oh,

51:11

yes, I am. And I've got the

51:13

best voice in the world. You want to hear me sing?

51:15

No. Well, I'm going to

51:17

sing for you. No, no. Yes. Whoa,

51:20

this pull over. Make

51:23

it work for you. Of

51:25

course. Absolutely. As you have done with

51:27

all those things. All right.

51:29

We've got pullovers in them. So that's number

51:31

three. So let's move on to the fourth

51:34

thing you want to keep, photos. So

51:36

when I turned up at the house, Jess, the first

51:38

thing you did was show me your photos. The photos

51:40

on the wall of all the extraordinary people that you've

51:43

met in your life. Photograph of you

51:45

with Alvin Stardust and it just happens to be

51:47

Princess Diana standing there as well. Yes.

51:51

And I don't know whether you can see

51:53

it there, but she's blushing. She went red because I

51:55

said, do you ever get out alone? And

51:58

Alvin went, he's only asked. Everything

52:02

we talk about becomes another title for

52:04

another autobiography. So I hit on Princess

52:06

Diana. It sounds

52:08

pretty good to me. I'd buy that book. And

52:12

I think she would have stood for it as well. Brilliant.

52:17

She did get us all a bit funny.

52:20

I like having photographs around that remind

52:22

me of different times, but your house

52:24

is absolutely full of the most extraordinary

52:27

photographs. I like looking at myself,

52:29

Jimmy. Well,

52:33

yes, you know, I do realize that

52:35

there are a lot of ugly people

52:37

about and I'm not one of them.

52:41

But you also must be reminded by them

52:43

of the extraordinary things that have happened to

52:46

you. Yes, I suppose. Yes,

52:48

it has been a very exciting

52:50

life, I think. You know, you

52:52

wouldn't fall asleep if you were

52:54

strapped on my back. Which

52:59

Renee nearly was. Yeah, I mean,

53:02

all the famous people I've known

53:04

and that have died, of course,

53:06

but always very sad. Kelly

53:09

Lynch was a big blow. We

53:12

used to, the clubs used

53:14

to be open at lunchtime. We

53:17

were in Stringfellows with Eddie

53:19

Kidd, where we always were.

53:21

Stringfellows was the place and

53:24

he loved us going there because we

53:26

would get free drinks and things. But

53:29

Stringfellows was really good. Yeah, it was

53:31

a good place to be. Everybody, anybody

53:33

was there. You'd see all

53:35

the showbiz people there. And Eddie

53:37

Kidd went to the toilet and came back

53:39

out the toilet and he had water on

53:42

his nose. So he'd had a

53:44

sniff of Coke and I said, you're

53:46

fucking mad. I said, you're working tomorrow,

53:49

aren't you? I said, if I

53:51

was working tomorrow, I wouldn't even be out.

53:53

It's one of my things. If I'm working

53:55

the next day filming or anything, I'd never

53:57

go out to the night before, ever. Ever,

54:00

ever. Early to bed, you know, the

54:03

scripts, all that, the

54:05

malarkey. And he said,

54:07

no, no, no, it's an easy jump. And

54:10

of course, that terrible thing happened

54:12

to him. He did the jump

54:14

and it landed before it should

54:16

have landed. And it

54:18

was awful to watch. Have you ever watched

54:20

it? I have never seen

54:23

it. No, but I know about it.

54:25

Yeah. Awful, awful, awful. I

54:27

mean, it was an easy jump that

54:29

he would do normally quite

54:31

easily. But that particular

54:34

day, because maybe because

54:36

he had a lot of dope the

54:38

night before. Maybe. Who knows?

54:40

Yeah. I always think, Jess,

54:42

all the people I know who survive in

54:45

showbiz for a long time, there's

54:47

an enormous amount of dedication goes into it.

54:49

For one, you have to keep up the

54:51

energy of wanting to go to these things

54:53

because you get invited to parties, you get

54:55

invited to opening nights, you get invited

54:57

to see other people's shows all the time, and

55:00

you're doing your own work. Yeah. The

55:02

dedication involved in doing that is extraordinary. And

55:04

you've done it for years

55:06

and years and years. And so you must love

55:09

it. Yes. I mean,

55:11

yes. Isn't it wonderful

55:13

to, you know, window

55:15

cleaners don't like going to work, do they?

55:17

No. If my car breaks down,

55:19

there's people that do it. I couldn't do it.

55:23

I've never done anything apart

55:25

from show business. So don't

55:27

say, have you cut the

55:29

grass? Don't do that.

55:32

Don't do manual. But

55:35

I'm not like that. If I get

55:37

invited to things, I think I've got

55:39

to go and I go

55:41

and I quite often enjoy it. But in a

55:44

way, I go under sufferance. Whereas

55:46

you clearly must just love the idea of

55:48

it. And the idea that you string fellows

55:50

is the place to be. Everybody was there.

55:53

We had a fantastic time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And

55:55

I know how it was. I mean, you know,

55:57

now I live in the country, but... still

56:00

do the West End. What was that place

56:02

we went to? We was full of celebrities

56:04

for me. The Phoenix Club, up

56:07

Charing Cross Road. That was

56:09

all full of celebs. I

56:11

did a night there showing my

56:13

films and talking about them. I

56:16

do that quite a bit now, which

56:18

is quite fun because I've made

56:20

lots of films with lots of

56:23

famous people. So I can talk

56:25

about George Sanders and Buddy Hackett

56:27

and my dear friend, the handsome

56:29

man that drank too much, Anthony

56:31

Steele. We've

56:35

had a couple of really big showbiz

56:38

parties here that have

56:40

been very successful. When I

56:42

first arrived here, you told me about Roger

56:44

Moore saying that you had to

56:46

flirt with all the women. Otherwise, they felt

56:48

insulted because they would look at you

56:50

and think, well, there's a handsome man. If you didn't flirt

56:52

with them, they would be insulted

56:55

by it. They felt that, why is he

56:57

not flirting with me? It's a responsibility you

56:59

think that you have. It is a responsibility

57:01

that handsome men have to live with. Okay.

57:04

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about.

57:07

Yes, well, you will. Well, we've been all said

57:10

to me, I don't have to worry about you because

57:12

you've put your own handsome man. Sometimes

57:14

I'm somewhere and

57:16

there's six or seven women around

57:18

me talking. When

57:21

he comes on, they go, and

57:23

she says, I'm his wife.

57:25

And they go, well, they all fucking

57:27

disappear. Well, I've been standing on my

57:29

own for about an hour and I think, that's

57:32

it, you know, why did I come? I'm

57:34

going to write the show, sir. Or what?

57:36

Do I deserve a cap? Or

57:39

do I get paid for standing

57:41

around here waiting? Yeah, well, it's difficult,

57:43

isn't it? Because you took him on

57:45

knowing his reputation as well. Well, I'm

57:47

glad you said that. Mind

57:50

you, if I'd known how deep that reputation

57:53

was, I would have thought twice about

57:55

it. his

58:00

mouth going. It's

58:02

true for what she's saying. Anyway, the

58:05

parents are ready. Lovely. I've laid it

58:07

on the table otherwise it's, you

58:09

know. Okay, well we're nearly done. Okay. All

58:11

right, so we've got all these lovely photographs

58:13

which are not only of famous people but

58:15

also family. So let's decide what the

58:17

thing is that you'd like to put in there that

58:19

you'd want to banish from your life. I

58:22

don't, well, I, you know, I don't

58:25

feel, I mean somewhere is 88.

58:29

Next week I'm 88. When

58:31

I look in the mirror I don't see

58:34

a man of 88 because I know what

58:36

they look like. So

58:39

I'm glad that I don't shave, you

58:41

see. All this thing about shaving,

58:44

I mean kids was shaving when they were

58:46

12, you know, at school. Oh, they'd

58:48

have shaved, said your silly son.

58:52

I never had to chase that manly thing.

58:54

It never worried me, you know. They used

58:56

to shave so they could say, you know.

58:58

I could grow a beard if I wanted to. Yeah. My

59:01

mum said, well, she said I was

59:04

going to break lots of hearts and it

59:06

was almost like an order. You're

59:08

going to break lots of hearts, ladies hearts, she

59:10

said. And she used to allow me, she

59:13

was so funny. I used to bring girls home,

59:15

see, and put them in my bed. And

59:18

she used to come into the morning and

59:20

say to them, oh, I've

59:22

not seen you before. Oh, you're

59:26

lovely, you are. Jerry boy, I like this

59:28

one. You'll probably

59:30

be here tomorrow, will you? My

59:33

mum was the only girl in

59:35

the family. She had all these

59:37

brothers, about nine or something.

59:40

They were all sailors in the war.

59:43

She was a South London beauty queen,

59:45

my mum. She spelled Linda with the

59:47

Y-shirt because she thought it looked posher.

59:52

And I used to love her coming because

59:54

for every Friday she'd come to school to

59:56

meet me. In fact, all the mums used

59:58

to come on Friday. for some

1:00:00

reason or not. And I loved

1:00:03

my mum coming because she looked like Linda

1:00:05

Darnell then, who was a big

1:00:07

film star. And it

1:00:10

gave me a great thrill to think

1:00:12

that my mum was the best looking

1:00:14

up. Yeah, brilliant. And

1:00:16

Linda, of course, in Brixton, would rhyme

1:00:18

with Winter. Yes. So

1:00:22

do you want to put your birth certificate in, because

1:00:25

it reminds you of the fact that you will be

1:00:27

88 next week. You want to

1:00:29

put it in there and never look at it again. Yes.

1:00:32

Now, does this all make sense? It

1:00:34

does make sense, complete sense to me, yes. Because

1:00:36

you're talking, I don't know what you're talking about.

1:00:42

Well, I know what I'm talking about, and it makes

1:00:44

complete sense to me. I know, I

1:00:46

know. It's been absolutely lovely to talk to you. It's

1:00:48

been an honour and a pleasure to meet you. Oh,

1:00:50

stop it. I've

1:00:54

never seen anyone so handsome in my life. Well,

1:00:57

the thing is, neither have I. You've

1:01:05

been listening to My Time Guiltial,

1:01:08

with me, Mike Clinton-Stevens, and

1:01:10

my completely unique guest, Jess

1:01:12

Conrad OBE. I'd recommend

1:01:15

his autobiography, From Blitz to Glitz, which

1:01:17

I'm delighted to say he let me have for free.

1:01:20

It's a record of an amazing journey, as I'm sure

1:01:22

you realise, but also

1:01:24

of a world that, fundamentally, doesn't

1:01:26

exist anymore. It's absolutely fascinating. OK,

1:01:30

before I go, a little bit of admin. Do

1:01:32

subscribe to this podcast, and if you have the time,

1:01:35

do rate, comment on it, or review it. My

1:01:37

Time Capsule and I are both on social media, so

1:01:39

find us there and tell us what you think. Or

1:01:42

you can email us

1:01:45

on mytimecapsulepodcastatgmail.com. The

1:01:47

theme tune by Pass the Peace Music

1:01:49

is available on Spotify, and this podcast

1:01:52

is available without ads if you pay

1:01:54

a small subscription through ACAS+. You'll

1:01:56

also get a bonus podcast every week, all

1:01:58

for just two days. £99

1:02:01

a month. Details in the description

1:02:03

of this podcast. The theme tune was

1:02:05

written by Pass the Peas music and

1:02:07

is available on Spotify and this was

1:02:09

a cast-off production made for a cast

1:02:12

to distribute. It was produced by John

1:02:14

Fenton Stevens. Right, well we couldn't let

1:02:16

this opportunity pass us by so here

1:02:18

for your listening pleasure is

1:02:20

as voted by the listeners of the Kenny

1:02:23

Everett Radio show on Capitol Radio, the worst

1:02:25

song of all time. This

1:02:28

pullover. Just pull

1:02:32

over, won't you get

1:02:34

to me? I

1:02:36

am where and where it

1:02:38

constantly soft and

1:02:41

warming like your love for

1:02:43

me. It was

1:02:45

made here like you were made for

1:02:47

me. Just pull

1:02:50

over, I find it very

1:02:52

smart. For it

1:02:54

does, and we will never

1:02:56

part. Don't you

1:02:58

worry, my little sweetheart,

1:03:02

just like you did, it's closest

1:03:05

to my heart. There

1:03:07

you go. A fundamental mistake by the writer

1:03:09

of course, as we all know it's not

1:03:12

a pullover, it's a pullover. So

1:03:14

it really should have gone this pulled over. Then

1:03:16

again it was voted six in the list of

1:03:18

all time worst songs. Just imagine

1:03:20

what the top five were like. I wonder

1:03:23

if I recorded one of them. Bye.