0:00

Hey

0:05

everybody,

0:10

welcome

0:16

to My Worst Date. I'm Cassie. I'm Keegan.

0:19

I'm Christina. This

0:21

is our shorty episode for the

0:23

month of January. It's 2024. What

0:25

the hell happened? I

0:28

don't know. I went into this year

0:30

with my full chest out. All

0:33

positive. In 2023?

0:36

Yeah, resolutions. And then I was

0:38

like, this year I'm like, just

0:40

sneaking. I'm like Chris Kardashian

0:43

in the bushes peeking out. That's how I

0:45

wanted it, 2024. Yeah,

0:48

I don't have the mental capacity to

0:50

try and think about anything

0:53

in 2024. Whatever happens happens.

0:56

That's where I'm at. It is

0:58

what it is. Honestly,

1:01

totally get it. I, on the other

1:03

hand, have taken the Christina route apparently because

1:05

I am, as we've talked about in

1:08

the past episodes, moving to Germany later

1:10

this month or so, I apparently

1:13

am like, just jump

1:15

out, hope the parachute opens. So

1:17

we'll see. Man,

1:21

I'll tell you,

1:23

I'm in a real Jesus take

1:25

the wheel kind of place. So

1:27

am I. Look, I can't. I don't have

1:30

it in me. When I tell you I

1:32

don't have it in me, whatever is

1:34

going to happen is going to happen. I'm

1:37

giving over control to the universe. I

1:42

really feel like trying to manage

1:44

my life hasn't worked. I'm not

1:46

good at it clearly.

1:51

Somebody wiser, some older, wiser being

1:53

needs to take charge. That's where

1:55

I'm at. Yeah. Just

1:57

come in and take this, please.

4:00

It's all the same series of about what this man his name. You

4:06

know what? I know it now, but it

4:08

took a lot of like hammering in Josh.

4:12

Was it John, Josh, Josh,

4:14

Tyler, Taylor, Taylor, Jonathan Taylor.

4:16

It's Jonathan Taylor. And

4:20

I think I watch sports. I

4:22

don't even understand. I watch football. And I

4:24

wish he was married to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

4:27

No, that would be more on her level. We

4:31

at least know who the fuck he is. Right.

4:34

Exactly. T. Um,

4:36

so for those of you who've been living

4:39

truly in a holiday hole under a rock,

4:41

what we're talking about is that Simone Biles

4:44

husband, which is how everyone refers to this

4:46

man, went on a

4:48

podcast and said on the podcast

4:50

that he didn't know who she was whenever

4:52

they met. So, Raya, first of all,

4:55

which don't know her,

4:57

of course, he did. Like everyone

4:59

knows who Simone Biles is. Everyone.

5:02

She is the most decorated Olympic

5:04

gymnast of all time. They know her

5:06

the world's over. So like, what do

5:08

you mean? You don't know who Simone

5:10

Biles is. And then he,

5:13

then he goes on to say that she

5:15

messaged him first. He wasn't going to pursue it,

5:18

but he went to her Instagram and saw she

5:20

had a lot of followers and

5:22

was then like, okay, I guess I'll, I'll

5:24

pursue. I'll, I'll message her back. Um,

5:27

and then he was going to say that she drove

5:29

45 minutes to him. She

5:32

pursued him. She drove 45 minutes to

5:34

him on his first date. He wasn't

5:36

going to chase her at all and

5:38

that he was the catch in the

5:40

relationship. Okay. And

5:42

she's there the whole time. I'm like, girl, yes,

5:45

that's what I was like. And, and I've

5:47

just, I felt so bad because Lord knows

5:49

that she has been through a lot, a

5:53

lot in her life. And I just,

5:56

I, my heart breaks for

5:58

somebody that has to. to deal with

6:01

such an insecure person that they feel

6:03

that they have to humble you. You

6:06

know what I mean? Like any relationship you

6:09

should be in, that person should be your

6:11

fucking number one fan. He

6:13

really is your leader. Exactly.

6:17

Nobody deserves to

6:19

have that at all. But especially

6:21

somebody, and I think

6:23

that because she is so accomplished,

6:25

that's so threatening to those

6:27

people. Exactly. You don't need to be with

6:29

a high achieving woman then. Nobody told you

6:32

to be with Simone Biles. If

6:34

it was that big of an inconvenience, if you

6:36

were that unattracted, because that really is kind of

6:38

like the vibe that he's putting out. It's like,

6:40

this wasn't my normal type. I saw her picture.

6:42

She's not my normal type. She's not who I

6:45

would normally go for in a

6:47

relationship, but she had a bunch of

6:49

followers. So I decided to throw

6:51

her a bone, give it a shot. Throw

6:53

her a bone. This motherfucker right here,

6:55

okay. So, it's

7:01

the most absurd thing ever. I

7:03

literally, I love the comments. People

7:05

are posting, people are at so

7:08

many TikToks, but in the comment

7:10

section, I saw one who was

7:12

like, some person was like,

7:14

you'd have to be awish to not know who Simone

7:16

Biles is. And this person was like,

7:18

actually, I'm Amish and I totally know

7:20

who Simone Biles is. Yes, yes. So,

7:23

like, just like, everyone.

7:26

Well, I mean, and it makes it more

7:29

unbelievable because it's like, you are also in

7:31

the sports world. So it's not like you

7:33

are, you're not a gymnast. I get that,

7:36

but like, you are in sports. You know

7:38

someone who has been on a Wheaties box

7:40

and on the cover of Time Magazine and

7:43

interviewed the world over, like you do know

7:45

who this person is. And then it was

7:48

made worse because he was saying that he

7:50

doesn't follow gymnastics. Like they were in training

7:52

during the Olympics. He tuned

7:54

everything out, I guess. But then the previous

7:56

Olympics, the 2012 Olympics, he

7:58

was live tweeting. the gymnastics

8:00

portion. So like when

8:03

Gabby Douglas was the big like,

8:05

you know, star of that

8:07

Olympics. So Simone Biles became kind of

8:09

like a big star at the Olympics

8:11

following that. So it's like, you

8:14

did pay attention to gymnastics. So you saying

8:16

that like you never knew.

8:18

I don't even know what that is.

8:21

What is gymnastics? I've never heard of

8:23

it. And

8:28

then she got on whatever that like

8:30

end of the year, like recap show

8:33

is that like Keene Kevin Hart and

8:35

Keenan Thompson do together. And she got

8:37

on that and they were kind of

8:39

like teasing her about this whole situation

8:41

and talking about it and

8:43

saying like, well, who's the better? Who's you

8:46

guys ever talk about? Who's the better athlete

8:48

in your house? And

8:50

she said that they were no longer

8:53

allowed to have that conversation. They would

8:55

because they end up in a

8:57

fight whenever they might fucking face.

9:00

Who can you add in the

9:02

one whose name we fucking know

9:05

the Olympian?

9:07

Because when she said, well,

9:09

we're both really good at

9:11

our respective sports, which

9:13

I can, I'm like, all right, sure.

9:15

But like, let's get real,

9:18

you know, and also it just made me very

9:20

sad that this

9:22

is your life. You are an Olympic gymnast and

9:24

this is his life too. He I'm sure has

9:26

worked hard to get into the NFL. It's not,

9:29

it's no small feat to get into the NFL.

9:31

The fact that you know, it's not easy that

9:34

you can't share. You can't even

9:36

have a conversation about your like

9:40

passion, your right job

9:43

without it turning into an argument that is

9:45

an insecure person. I don't

9:48

love it. I mean, look, a lot of

9:50

people, there are people on the internet who are

9:53

like, y'all are just hating. She says she's

9:55

happy, whatever. And I'm like, if she's happy, fine.

9:57

I'm glad she's happy. But on the outside,

10:01

Yeah, those are those are

10:03

red flags that I would I would

10:05

definitely react to so, you

10:07

know, here's here's hoping, you know But

10:10

yeah, we would have a strong conversation

10:12

afterwards for sure. Nothing else. Yeah. Yeah

10:17

She has the worst necklace on

10:19

that Keenan and Kevin

10:22

show that said Owens on it She's

10:25

like I need I need people to To

10:28

recognize my weight. That's the last name.

10:30

Yes. Oh Swear

10:34

to God gun to my head. I would have no

10:36

clue. I swear to you. I swear

10:38

to you. I really do better Obviously,

10:42

yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah clearly.

10:45

Yeah without a doubt. Yeah,

10:47

my vote anyways Let's

10:50

hop into more bad decisions bad

10:54

Who wants to kick us off I can start you know, we

10:56

start it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah great alright

10:59

a man told me quote I Won't

11:02

be drinking alcohol anymore when we

11:04

date on the first date That

11:07

was a little much if we he were

11:09

sober I would totally be respectful But he

11:11

wasn't he just thought it girls got slutty

11:13

when they drink and he didn't trust it

11:16

Whoa, okay. So sorry. I think I misunderstood

11:19

when you first said that so he told

11:21

her That she was not

11:23

allowed to drink anymore When

11:25

they dated well, that's right. It

11:27

first of all, if you're gonna come in hot

11:29

telling me what to do We're not dating period.

11:32

No, we're done Yeah, just

11:34

come in in hot like you're not gonna be

11:36

drew if we're dating where you're not gonna be drinking

11:38

first of all No one tells me what I can

11:40

and can't do. I'm gonna talk

11:43

off. I'm a grown-up adult I do

11:45

what I do. And if you don't like it, you can get the

11:47

fuck out Yeah, and I

11:50

like what she said which was

11:53

like, okay if you're if that

11:55

person's sober I can totally understand

11:57

like, you know respecting those boundaries

11:59

or what? whatever and then being like

12:01

I really you know it's hard for me to

12:03

be with somebody who drinks great then I can

12:05

make a decision whether I want to be with

12:07

you because you know whether that's an important factor

12:09

in my life where I'm at at the time

12:12

if it's you know something I enjoy doing and

12:14

want to continue to do

12:16

no like misogyny

12:19

exactly yeah and cast the way you said

12:21

that is exactly right like everyone is allowed

12:23

to set expectations and set boundaries in relationships

12:25

but there's a difference between saying hey my

12:27

sobriety is really important to me it's really

12:30

difficult for me to be around people who

12:32

drink so just so you know this is

12:34

a boundary that I've set up for myself

12:36

that I can't take people who drink so

12:38

if that's gonna be an issue for you

12:40

then we should just go our separate ways

12:42

that's a respectful way to say that going

12:44

in and saying when we date you won't

12:46

be drinking sir yeah that's that's

12:49

not a boundary that's a

12:51

jonahill yes

12:54

first exactly exactly the

12:56

way I would drink so much more your boundaries

12:59

are not rules for

13:01

my me your boundaries are rules for your roles

13:03

for you our rules for

13:05

you yeah yeah yes exactly okay

13:08

I can go next if you'd like cool

13:10

sounds good we had

13:13

turned up to a pizza restaurant

13:15

we ordered and sat down within

13:17

the first five minutes my ex-girlfriend

13:19

walks in she sits down beside

13:21

me and looks at the girl

13:23

opposite me looked her square

13:25

in the eyes and said you can date

13:27

him but no I love him oh the

13:31

girl the

13:33

girl's got up didn't say a word to

13:36

either of us and left yeah

13:40

yeah I don't want to be involved I don't want

13:42

to be involved she followed you here clearly sort

13:44

sort that out here mm-hmm

13:47

get your house in order I don't want

13:50

any part of this I don't need a

13:52

fatal attraction situation on my hands no ma'am

13:55

no no oh my goodness

13:58

all right here's one for you

14:00

that I love just because

14:02

it involves friendship. So

14:06

last night my husband and I were getting

14:08

a little busy. We got a little adventurous

14:10

and used a toy and when we were

14:12

done I put it on the

14:15

hall bathroom counter to clean the next morning. No,

14:19

that morning we

14:22

both got caught up with chores and forgot

14:24

about the prop languishing in the bathroom. A

14:27

couple hours ago a really good family friend

14:29

texted asking if she could come by to

14:31

pick up something from her house. She

14:34

came over we were chatting and she asked to

14:36

use the bathroom. Without realizing

14:38

my grave error I said

14:40

yes. No! To

14:42

her credit she said nothing after

14:44

she came back downstairs but I

14:47

realized what had happened before she

14:49

even went home. Never

14:51

have I chucked something under the sink

14:53

so quickly in my life. She

14:55

already thought I'd fail. Yeah, you

14:58

can't unwind that. I think

15:00

casual afterwards like she didn't just see

15:03

my dirty used fake dong square in

15:05

the middle of the bathroom counter. It

15:07

was one of the most difficult things

15:09

I've done in a long long time.

15:13

Oh no! Could you fucking

15:15

imagine coming over to

15:18

one of our houses and like hey can

15:20

I use the restroom? Listen,

15:24

I would understand. I would understand.

15:26

I would understand. We've had enough

15:29

conversations at this point. I'm talking

15:31

about if it was mine though.

15:33

If it was mine I would fucking die. You have to

15:35

own it. You just have to own it at that point.

15:37

You gotta be like look I

15:39

forgot I was in there. I

15:42

you know. Yeah. People have needs. I don't

15:44

know what to tell you. Wow.

15:48

Exactly. I'm moving to Germany.

15:50

Exactly. Amazing.

15:53

Oh my god. Oh my

15:56

god. I

16:01

went on a blind date where the restaurant caught fire.

16:04

I slammed her foot in the car door breaking

16:06

two bones. When

16:09

your blind date ends up in the ER, you're going home alone. Yeah.

16:14

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh,

16:17

not invested. Could you imagine

16:19

the calamity? Catastrophe. Yeah.

16:21

I've never had my foot slammed

16:23

in a door before. Fingers yes.

16:25

I've had my hand slammed in a door. Yes. Never

16:29

a flap. A

16:31

foot and broke two bones. That's a hell of

16:33

a slam. Well, also

16:35

like broken foot bones. That sucks,

16:38

dude. You're like, is

16:40

he paying for her medical bills?

16:43

Yeah. Oh,

16:45

one should hope. I hope

16:47

so. I would fucking hope so. I'd

16:49

be so pissed if I went on a date,

16:51

got my toes broken and then left the hospital

16:53

with a how many thousand dollar bill? Uh-uh.

16:56

I know. No.

16:58

Not in this America. Not in

17:00

this economy. Absolutely. I can't afford

17:03

broken toes. Okay. Fuck. Okay.

17:06

I asked about his hobbies. He said, I play the bagpipes.

17:09

I thought that was really cool and asked him to tell

17:11

me more. So

17:14

random. Okay. He says,

17:16

are you sure? I said, yes.

17:19

He proceeds to go on about bagpipes

17:21

for the rest of the night. How

17:24

he felt playing the bagpipes was the

17:26

calling in his life. How he needed

17:29

to carry his grandfather's legacy who also

17:31

played the bagpipes. How his dream was

17:33

to play the bagpipes for the queen.

17:35

His favorite brand of bagpipes, the anatomy

17:37

of bagpipes. Every topic was

17:40

somehow turned back to bagpipes.

17:43

To be fair, I do tell him yes

17:45

in telling me more. I

17:48

hope he's doing well and found someone just

17:51

as passionate about bagpipes. And

17:57

I used to go running on Santa Monica.

18:00

there's a corner Santa

18:02

Monica and Crescent Heights where there's always

18:05

a woman out there practicing bagpipes. You've

18:07

told us that before because this is

18:09

not the first bagpipe related story we've

18:12

had because you remember that one that

18:14

one was I remember that story that

18:16

was the story where like he she

18:18

was moving or something and she had

18:21

like just moved into a new house

18:23

and he stayed the weekend packed his

18:25

bagpipes like right on

18:27

the train she got home from work because

18:30

he just like stayed the whole weekend and it

18:32

was just like bagpipes blaring through the fucking neighborhood.

18:34

I love a passion, I love having a skill,

18:37

I think that those things

18:42

are important to your life.

18:44

I know that for my

18:47

life 24-hour bagpipes is

18:49

not gonna work for me. No,

18:52

you have got to get a

18:54

musicians lockout if you have an

18:56

instrument such as drum

18:58

sets, bagpipes, anything

19:01

like that you do what other professional

19:03

musicians do and you get yourself a

19:05

lockout where you're not gonna bother your

19:08

neighbors, various

19:10

animals around like it's

19:13

that kind of disruptive. You

19:16

know, because I always felt bad for

19:18

my parents whenever you're in school and

19:20

you're in band I was in band

19:22

I was in marching band and like

19:24

when you're in school and you're first

19:26

learning your instrument and you have to

19:28

do X number of like practice hours

19:30

at home I always felt I

19:32

was playing the clarinet that is annoying if you don't

19:34

know how to play it right right it's like a

19:36

reed instrument I always felt

19:38

bad for my parents having to like

19:41

sit and listen to me try and

19:43

fumble through squeak through trying to play

19:45

the clarinet. Imagine what it sounds

19:47

like when someone doesn't know how

19:49

to play the bagpipes. If

19:52

you don't know how to play the bagpipes and you're trying

19:54

to figure it out that has got to be the

19:57

worst. You

20:00

are a saint. You are a saint,

20:02

honestly. Yes, truly. All right, I got

20:04

a good one. It's a little

20:06

long. It's one of those two short

20:09

for a longie. A

20:12

midi. It's a midi. But

20:15

they say, when I, female, was

20:18

in grade 10, I started dating a boy in

20:20

11th grade. He was

20:22

tall, handsome, and incredibly well-read. I

20:24

adored him. Incredibly well-read.

20:27

In the 12th grade. He

20:31

would write me beautiful letters and took me

20:34

to see art house movies. So you

20:36

know, head over hills. Look, I would

20:38

have fallen, sorry, he's in the 11th grade.

20:40

I would have fallen for this, too,

20:42

absolutely. I'd be like, you've read Dickens,

20:44

and you like fucking. A hundred. You

20:47

like going to the one art house

20:49

theater that we have in our town. Sold.

20:52

Exactly. We're doing it. You gotta write me poetry

20:54

and play the guitar at me. Here we go. Oh,

20:57

God. I was, however, a

20:59

little rebellious. I preferred to spend my

21:01

time playing basketball and hanging out with

21:03

my girlfriends. And I would often skip

21:06

school and head off campus. One

21:08

day, I convinced him to skip class with

21:10

me and go downtown to see the river.

21:13

It felt like a romantic date to me. We

21:16

stopped and got coffee and went down to the

21:18

river and sat on the grass. I

21:20

was relatively inexperienced in the

21:22

romantic department. As I had

21:25

spent much of my years focusing on basketball,

21:27

not boys. I put

21:29

my hand on his knee and he put his

21:31

arm around me. As we sat

21:33

there, I moved my hand to his upper

21:35

thigh and found something long in his sweat-pant

21:37

pocket. I started fiddling with it

21:40

to try to figure out what it was. Oh,

21:42

girl. Pulled away from me. Oh, wow. I

21:46

asked what was in his pocket

21:48

and he just looked at me. I

21:50

was confused because why did he look so

21:53

embarrassed? I asked if

21:55

it was a Sharpie and he looked at

21:57

me. Oh! What? a

22:01

sharpie a sharpie a

22:04

sharpie what's

22:07

this in your pocket? and

22:09

a a sharpie a

22:12

sharpie a sharpie

22:16

oh no he

22:18

stood up and said we should

22:20

go he quickly started walking back

22:22

up the hill to get to the bus station I followed him back up and

22:26

we took a bus back to school and

22:28

mostly silence I couldn't figure out

22:30

what was in his pocket I would make him react

22:32

like that it took me the 45

22:36

minute back to school to

22:38

figure out what I had done that

22:40

I had unintentionally fondled him we

22:43

didn't stay together much after that gosh

22:46

damn you think it

22:48

would have gone better if you said it was like what is that like

22:50

a Coke can? you know like would

22:53

that have played better for him? you got

22:55

a banana in your pocket a

22:59

sharpie wow oh

23:02

my god I

23:04

don't miss being a teenager I'll tell you that no, right here oh

23:08

sorry I'm like cat

23:12

just dead silence for 20

23:14

seconds a

23:16

guy insisted we

23:18

go to the drive-in movies told

23:21

him he could pick the movie

23:23

the cheap bastard picked Paul

23:25

Blart mall cop and told me to

23:29

get into the trunk because he

23:31

only brought

23:33

enough money for what he could get

23:36

no, I'm not getting into the trunk for

23:38

Paul Blart absolutely

23:40

not most definitely

23:42

not for Paul Blart no in

23:46

art house movie that is not no we're

23:50

dealing with different kinds of guys right here okay

23:54

here's a different kind of guy for you

24:00

for

24:03

him.

24:07

He happened to live half an

24:09

hour away. Cool, let's grab drinks

24:11

at a local bar and see

24:13

where it goes. I get there,

24:15

can't find him anywhere, figured I

24:17

was stood up. Then the light

24:19

stemmed and he walked out on

24:21

stage, drunk as hell, slurring every

24:23

other word proceeded to play round

24:25

here and stopped halfway through to

24:27

vomit on himself. Now I can

24:33

never hear that song without cracking up.

24:35

Maria came from Nashville with a

24:37

suitcase in her room. Just

24:43

throws up everywhere. Oh no. Oh God.

24:46

I think we I

24:49

found your date uh

24:56

twin. Here

24:59

we go. Oh no. We

25:01

went into a library to shelter from the

25:03

rain. He asked me if I

25:05

like music. I of course said yes. He

25:08

asked what I like. I mentioned a

25:10

band. He then stood

25:12

up and literally placed me

25:14

in front of him in

25:16

the middle of the library and

25:19

sung the entirety of one of

25:21

this band's songs. Slowly

25:24

and loudly in

25:27

the middle of a busy quiet

25:29

library. No, no. I couldn't

25:31

move or look anywhere else

25:33

because he kept his hands

25:36

on my shoulders and

25:38

maintained eye contact with

25:40

me the entire time.

25:42

I'm shaking. I think

25:48

the blood pressure just drops out of the

25:51

body. I want

25:53

to unzip my entire skin. Do you

25:55

know how long three minutes is like

25:58

of that? I

26:01

don't know that there's a worse place to do

26:03

it than the library I think

26:05

the library might be the worst place

26:07

you possibly do something like that a

26:09

funeral I stand corrected I

26:11

thought I Don't know. Oh

26:14

my god. I Crawl

26:17

out of my skin. I hate

26:19

that and no fucking much and

26:21

I way I was wrong eye contact, too Please

26:23

stop, please. You know though I thought you were

26:25

gonna say that he had his hands on the

26:27

side of her face Which would have made it

26:29

so much worse shoulders are better

26:32

than then, you know, what if he

26:34

had like gently tapping her

26:36

cheeks, you know don't

26:39

actually No,

26:42

I need to have a song as

26:44

well I mean I need to do

26:46

around here Okay

26:50

from Nashville with the suitcase Oh

26:58

Wow Wowie Wow Wow Well, hey if

27:00

you guys have a story be it

27:02

short or long If you want to

27:04

just reach out and say hello, you

27:06

want to wish us a happy new

27:09

year go to our one-stop

27:11

shop of website It's my worst eight podcast

27:13

calm and we'd love you so much Cheers