1:10

Music.

1:29

Host Mark glatzel and you are listening to the needy podcast.

1:34

Here at needy we are devoted to sharing Frank conversations and true stories about what it means to meet your needs.

1:41

Consistently messily and sustainably needy is a listener funded podcast

1:47

your contributions enable us to continue bringing you the delicious conversations you adore without advertisement or interruption.

1:55

To become a member of the needy Inner Circle and to get information about today's episode dance on over to the needy podcast.com now.

2:04

On Today Show

2:04

hello welcome back to the needy podcast this is your host Mark glatzel and I am.

2:14

Thrilled to be here with today's guests Molly Kara May Molly is the author of two books teacher and the holder of space

2:22

for 13 plus years she has facilitated personal story workshops for more than hundreds of people across the globe

2:29

she is trained and somatic experiencing and focuses on where language and voice and the animal body meet each other

2:36

her mission is to democratize expression and explore in Good Company the healing Alchemy between story and nervous system.

2:45

Welcome Molly I'm so excited that you're here with us today how are you doing I am doing well I am excited to have this hour together it's like a luxury feels that way just to chat you know being conversation.

2:58

Yeah I agree it really does feel

3:01

like a luxury I was thinking about that this morning when I was looking through your website and also you know I have a copy of body Full of Stars here that's very dog-eared and

3:12

what I love about these interviews is just getting to ask people that I admire questions about how they think about things and live their lives and

3:19

just make it work mmm

3:22

so thank you for being game for that yeah my pleasure will you start by telling us a little bit about what you do and most importantly why you do it.

3:32

Yes so I do a lot of things but in terms of you know I'm a mom of two kiddos and very involved in trying to be present for them and my work feels really like my vocation

3:47

I am a writer I've written two memoirs.

3:50

In the world I also teach and Priscilla Tate workshops for Lay people so what that means is not necessarily folks who are trying to be professional writers I have worked a lot with professional writers but my heart is really with

4:04

those who. I have a story a personal story that they're trying to get unstuck from and or they feel Bound by and they're also.

4:17

Wanting to find voice like how can I express like find my expression.

4:22

And exist in the fluidity really of story which in my opinion is what stories meant to be.

4:29

So I run Retreats and I run online workshops and in-person workshops and I also blend in with that.

4:36

I've been doing that for about 13 years and I blend in with that.

4:40

Nervous system work I finished a three-year training and somatic experiencing which is trauma.

4:47

Resolution nervous system resilience training so I blend in the Soma and how we can.

4:54

Work with the dance that happens between our nervous system and our stories and that came about because I'd worked with people and story for many years and found that I could

5:03

support people and getting so far and transforming a personal story but there was the body piece that needed to come along and I didn't have I was sort of winging it like with my own.

5:15

Experiences around body and I wanted more training around how to guide people through that so that's where that came from.

5:22

Haha beautiful I am just so compelled by your work and I love how you describe bringing the body piece into it that was something that really stuck out for me is I was looking through.

5:33

Your site this morning was just you know thinking about how body based exercises and especially as that relates to writing I really.

5:43

I just really resonated with both the need for that and also my own personal practice of that and I think it's really I do want to hear more about that.

5:53

First I want to hear about this kind of what it looks like for you to meet your needs right now on a just regular daily basis.

6:03

Mmm it's so front and center right now I for me it is it is literally turning back inward.

6:11

And tracking my own body as cliché as that sounds but it is being in the actual Moment Like This morning my children try to get them off to school

6:23

and my oldest child was grumbly about something and I could feel the compression of my chest happening I could feel

6:33

this like sense of being Boxed In by something you know like I'm feeling like whoa something's boxy me in and

6:39

in the past I just wouldn't have even noticed that until I 5 hours later you know it was like what happened everything tumbled.

6:48

And now my practice is really being so so with myself in those moments and then making a move so my move this morning was you know what.

6:58

And I have a partner so I said to my husband I am going upstairs.

7:04

I'm out I'm tagging out and I can't always do that because he's not always here so but in that moment I could and and then sort of celebrating myself for doing that so so that right there was me meeting my need now

7:18

the other the other one that feels very present I mean on a very practical level sometimes it's me sitting down and eating my breakfast before I feed my kids.

7:27

Uh-huh letting them watch me do that and and not in a way like that there are starving and begging for food but just saying hey I need to nourish myself so that I can make the food I want to for you and sitting down

7:40

and doing it as opposed to like stuff in it in my mouth as

7:44

doing 85 things in the kitchen so you know they're a little pieces like that but the big one right now is.

7:52

Building my own capacity to hold to my need and allow whoever.

7:59

Is around me my loved one allow them.

8:03

Whatever mood they're going to be in or whatever response are going to have when I set my boundary and being able to tolerate that,

8:10

and being able to go okay like I know you're going to lose it because I just said this boundary but I'm okay still even if you're losing it and that that's an edge for me and so that feels really present you know and

8:22

two holds to that as opposed to you know sliding out from underneath my knee and going okay fine like let me make sure you feel okay so.

8:31

Anyway I could go on and on about that but I'll stop there yeah I always in my own mind I call that sitting on my hands yes

8:40

and I remember the first time when my oldest kid was maybe two months old maybe last I have been doing all of the like

8:48

midnight stuff the middle and everything and you know nursing her was really challenging everything was really challenging and there was this one day where I said.

8:57

You know she had everything she needed she was just like up in the night and I was really tired and I woke my partner up and it was like can you get up with the baby.

9:06

And they did not want to and they were annoyed because I was already awake you know everything in me was like you're already awake you're already using just

9:13

be awake just be the person and I remember lying in that bed literally lying on top of my hands just like just stay here just stay here does nothing just just receive what you asked for.

9:25

And they can be grumpy you can be.

9:29

Horrified and overwhelmed and receiving and it's all you know it's uncomfortable sometimes to receive whatever it is that's on the other end of asking for what you need.

9:41

Yeah we stay over here you know that kind of like you get what you get and you don't get upset right right.

9:48

We have amended it to a much less catchy you get what you get and you get to feel however you feel about it but I'm not going to change my decision.

9:56

Which you know I mean it's wordy but my kids that's so important it's like you get to feel however you feel about it but that you know I'm not going to change what I asked for what I said because of that yes

10:12

absolutely absolutely and that you mentioned the word uncomfortable one of the pieces and nervous system work one of the phrases that's often thrown around is uncomfortable but tolerable is the sweet spot so if you're in that space where.

10:27

It's really uncomfortable but you can tolerate it you don't feel like you're going to die you know which sometimes we feel like we are even if we're not then then there's the edge of growth right for everyone involved and that I always remind myself of that yeah

10:40

you know yeah so I'm curious for you do you have things like tools that you use or things that you go to when you're in that space of being even

10:50

pretty uncomfortable like meeting the needs that arise versus undoing the thing that you asked for you know kind of trying to take it back or what do you do when you're uncomfortable yeah I one thing that helps me and.

11:03

I have to say this before I even say them because if I was hearing this maybe five years ago I would've been like come on these things are so simple they seem

11:12

pointless but these things have really helped me so feeling my feet on the ground like a tree you know I've lived around a lot of trees so I met I literally imagine myself as a tree with my feet rooted and my

11:23

limbs blowing in the breeze and being fine so that's one I put my

11:28

hand under my armpit and then my other arm sort of wrapped around me and just squeeze

11:34

like a gentle squeeze I asked myself the question is this life-threatening which.

11:40

Really brings it right back down to ground level for me because oftentimes my body feels like it is life-threatening you know and then and then often and.

11:50

And I can very quickly realize oh this actually isn't like here I am in the house and like the wood stove is going and it's warm and like everyone's okay and there and I can get myself back into.

12:03

An adult space you know because the one who's worried about it being life-threatening is the child me you know and the other I really like to play with posture.

12:15

So here's an example so

12:18

this morning that tumble with my daughter you know she gets upset with me and she's and she knows my hook so she starts saying things like well

12:25

I guess I'm just a horrible child you know and I know that and of course she knows that that my heart

12:31

you know melt like just collapses when I hear that a nice try to fix it and she's not manipulating me but she just knows it's as children know about their parents and and

12:41

what happens in me is that my heart starts to sort of unfold and then I also feel this collapse my chest and then I and then this is like the nervous system and story peace and then the story that starts to surface for me as oh my gosh.

12:55

I have wounded my child. What is wrong with me I am a shit mother dead added up and it just goes on and on and that's old that's from when I was young and.

13:05

I can feel my shoulders curl in and that you know so there's a dance between the body and posturing and the

13:11

and the story and so if I can get a little space and by little I mean like in the hallway I don't have to leave the house and then I can try to very slowly.

13:22

Re posture myself and not in a way that is like toxic positive but in a way that.

13:29

Is very slow and incremental so maybe it's just a very slight opening of my shoulders or maybe it's standing a little taller

13:37

or putting my hands out something like that that makes me feel more in my adults mother body then.

13:45

That phrase I'm a shit mother it just doesn't hold in that posture

13:49

but you can you can try this like you can try it I have people play with this all the time like rate change your posture

13:56

and by posture I don't just mean like straight back I mean any sort of posture any movement and then bring your old story and planted in there and see if it actually

14:05

can hold it doesn't really it sort of

14:09

it's dissident and so then I will that I just play back and forth with the with that story and the posture and I go back and forth and

14:17

and sort of play and see create more fluidity in my own system around it that helps me a lot

14:23

Mmm Yeah 22 pieces that are woven in there that are have been so meaningful for me as well our first of all that knowing that being uncomfortable doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong yeah.

14:37

Because we're so conditioned to.

14:40

Halt at the point of discomfort and kind of like go back to start and then click oh well you know if I feel this way it must mean that I didn't.

14:50

At the boundary right ask for what I need correctly or you know even I think about starting a creative Pursuit like if we wait until it feels good

14:58

I mean at least me I'm going to be waiting having a long-ass time because it doesn't feel like I have a book that's coming out in February but like almost feel good like no actually it was really

15:11

awful and I'm doing it anyway so that piece of you know being uncomfortable.

15:20

Doesn't really mean anything other than it brings up something in us and that second piece of like you can't you know we can't be literal about everything that we think

15:29

we can just you know trust everything that we think I love that idea of planting that old story and seeing if it holds up yeah the story piece for me is I think it's my

15:44

experience and being with people and went to see myself and went to seeing friends is that a story has so much potential for us

15:53

and so few of us are engaging with it and part because we don't have a practice because we don't have Community because we don't Circle in the way that we.

16:01

Once you still and.

16:03

I do believe that story wants to help us and wants to be in service to us as opposed to imprisoning us you know which you know which feels like a lot of people experience that presenting feeling yeah well I think.

16:18

You know having a working understanding of yourself just very simply the story that you tell yourself about who and how you are.

16:26

Yeah and I don't know how that shifts I

16:30

I feel like this has shifted in my life so many times over the course of my life of course but something that I'm noticing shifting right now is the story around I'm the oldest sister my family and was the first grandkid you know kind of broke everyone in

16:45

to having kids in a certain way which I am really excited really experiencing through my oldest child just seeing kind of what that process is like but also noticing for myself the stories that I tell myself about the places that like the role that I play in my family of origin

17:01

and what no longer fits or is needed.

17:06

Mmm and so hopefully it turns out so much but I'm curious for you.

17:13

When you notice that point of all kind of like that teetering edge of this doesn't fit me anymore

17:21

but I am still pretty attached to it what do we do in that space where we're kind of at the precipice of a new understanding of ourselves but also you know really still connected to that old

17:33

story I believe that is an edge

17:36

we're many people that's that right there is The Edge that some people cross over I don't know if edges the right word in this the metaphor I'm using but

17:45

no you cross over yes that's the line that some people cross over and then some people don't because it's too scary so for me I call that a reckoning process so if I know

17:54

and I'm getting data for my environment that like oh this is changing this is shifting

17:59

and yet here I am holding on to what's familiar this old story I know that.

18:06

I need to reckon with that and I need to reckon with what I'm getting from that story because if I don't want to let go of it I am receiving something from it and usually it looks like I'm receiving attention status space

18:20

I get distance maybe cuz I can't create my own distance I'm getting something from that familiar story and that is.

18:29

That's hard that's hard to face and that's hard to admit to in my story that I wrote body Full of Stars you know I was.

18:38

Mad for a long time in particular at my at my husband but just at all men in general and even as I healed and started to heal I could feel myself.

18:49

Resisting the healing because.

18:53

I was getting I was getting revenge by not healing and I was getting attention I was trying to get attention in particular from my husband and.

19:06

I was certainly getting attention from all of my friends and you know larger public I was I felt empowered even though there was a level of it that was false power and so to let go of that

19:18

and to go like right now I'm I feel like I'm in a new space of my own physical healing journey and I'm really sitting there with a question well

19:26

if there's nothing wrong with my body.

19:29

Who am I mmm like what do I even have to say about I mean literally you know that's my Reckoning can I tolerate that can I can I actually.

19:40

Be in a body that's just really vital and great and there's nothing really to say about it who am I then because for so long I have been I've had a lot to say about what it means to a to be in a body that is struggling health-wise.

19:55

So for me it's that Reckoning and actually asking your people plant asking those questions of your people you know I'm a big believer in

20:04

the importance of community with all of this work and play and to say to your closest people hey you've witnessed me be in the story for X number of years

20:14

this is where I am now I'm on the edge of really moving into something new and this is where I'm stuck can you help see me.

20:22

Like what do you think about these things what do you feel what do you see and if you have if you have someone who's willing to really go there with you they might say you know

20:30

this is I think that you're getting you're getting X and Y from this and what would it be like if you didn't get that.

20:37

Could you get it somewhere else or not get it at all yeah it strikes me you know here we are talking about needs that many of us carry that story about our needs.

20:48

You know I am a person who doesn't get my needs met for a myriad of reasons that I have a.

20:54

You know often an attachment to in certain ways.

20:58

And you know for me there was this kind of like weaponized we talk a lot about hear a lot about weaponized.

21:06

Incompetence but I like to think about weaponized competence because that really Rings true for me and it was just like this hyper responsibility

21:16

this you know I am great in an emergency you can depend on me I mean just I used to say put it on my Tombstone which was like

21:26

thinking that whatever it is that I've said that I'm gonna do I'm committing to it 1000% and just that like I will be the person who is always there and.

21:37

I got so much from that for such a long time and it felt like.

21:45

Earning my relationships mmm

21:49

and when I was the person who was good at all of the things and I was making myself really really really useful you know who in their right mind would

21:58

reject me or Ben and me which of course I was deeply afraid of underneath all of that doing and.

22:05

It is so scary to face some of them in the just the roots run so deep but,

22:13

you know being obsessed with needs work I did start to realize well you know I.

22:19

The reason I'm not getting my needs met is because I'm completely Outsourcing myself to everybody around me well and isn't that

22:28

so often in the archetype of the firstborn daughter you know yes yeah and you know I think it's so interesting how

22:36

like the kind of interweaving like cultural conditioning of what it means to be good and a woman and I'm trying to social worker so being in the helping profession and

22:48

and also what I'm genuinely good at yes yeah it's like gets all folded in together

22:53

yes and yeah being able to show up for everyone as they need all that I mean to me this kind of,

23:01

and you call it your work as needs work I love that I love that phrase it feels like dismantling and undoing.

23:08

Generations of humans but for me particular like my matrilineal lineage I mean I watch it.

23:15

My mom still alive and I watch it and I watched it and I walked it I'll so then

23:21

obviously some of that has changed with me but you know I can't I'll change in one generation you know so even my youngest I have two daughters my youngest was plain and she's

23:30

pretending that she was a baby doctor and she was this and she was that and she was walking on house going I have a lot of things to do I am and I don't use the word busy but I do use the word full and so she was a very full life

23:42

I had eight babies to take care of and I have to have my own babies and I have to make dinner I mean she was walking around saying these things and I'm going there it is like there it is she is you know.

23:54

She's heard that from me she's heard that from her grandmother and so there it is but it's a lighter dose of it but it's still there yeah I think that you know that lighter dose of it is really what we can aim for ya

24:05

and you know so often.

24:08

We have these very perfectionistic visions of what healing looks like and it's like oh The Complete absence of this story that has

24:16

had a strong hold over me for so long and how so often it's just a new way of being with that thing

24:26

yes so I'm curious for you kind of like how you found your way here because.

24:34

You know through reading your Memoir of course I know that having your first child was a big kind of opening for you but I'm wondering.

24:43

You know you were writing before that.

24:47

And I love in your about page you talk kind of about choosing writing and how that Subterranean part of us does know.

24:56

But I'm just I'm curious like if they like the Ark of

25:01

how you were coming through childhood and coming to a place where you allowed more of your Humanity into your life and the way that it seems you do now

25:11

do you mean professionally or do you mean all of it I mean all of it I am of course interested in professionally but.

25:19

You know this kind of process of how we put down who we think we're expected to be and start in incremental way is giving ourselves permission to be who we actually are.

25:30

Yeah have to put too fine a point big question yes but I think you're the right person to ask yeah that's

25:39

I have to say like at the outset I was really I don't know what the right word is Lucky's not the right word I don't blast feels not like the right word either but my parents

25:52

were always supportive of my brothers and I have two brothers sort of becoming whoever we were so they didn't expect us to have certain careers.

26:03

You know I have one brother who's a visual artist in Los Angeles and lives like a very glamorous life that is not mine

26:08

my other brother was in the military and as a businessman I mean we're very different from one another and

26:13

they always supported that in us so I was never I never had that which many people listening might have that like fight to I never had to fight

26:23

to explore what I wanted to explore so I just want to name that at the outset because that's perhaps unique and not everyone

26:31

gets that so I feel really

26:34

grateful for that now you know when I was little I was always listening at the adult conversations I always wanted to understand the emotions that were being flung around between adults you know what I didn't really I could feel them

26:47

and I was deeply curious about that I was listening at doors I was reading faces and I wanted in

26:54

to the adults world of emotions when I was Tiny like 3 and and I always loved.

27:01

Words and stories I never ever thought that writer was something that I could be I didn't know any writers my family didn't know any writers so that wasn't.

27:10

I mean you know as you do as children I wrote little books and imagine that I

27:14

imagine myself as an author but didn't think that was a real possibility and one thing that my parents encouraged me to do was to cast widely you know and.

27:25

Just see see what where I could be useful.

27:29

And where I enjoyed being useful and and I was the oldest so I just sort of I just what I was off you know I.

27:38

Didn't live with my family they moved my last year of high school I stayed in my town and then from there I just did my own thing and I really wanted to be.

27:48

One thing I was clear about was that I was not going to take the quote normal path not that there is normal path but I didn't want to do what was expected of me and society and I didn't want to,

27:59

I wanted to do I wanted to be with people.

28:03

With actual people not on a computer and learning things that were out of my comfort zone.

28:09

So that's what I did I did that for you know 10 or so years I had many different jobs.

28:16

And I was always writing when I had those jobs and so I chose this and and sort of hoped very naively you know that's

28:25

maybe this will work maybe I can make money doing this had other jobs at the same time to support that

28:32

until I could but I don't just to be clear I don't make money writing books I make money teaching so that's an important thing to clarify so important yeah you know I pray for anyone out there I mean not that you can't make money you make some money writing books but as like a

28:47

steady stream of income that's you know unless you're Stephen King that's usually unlikely so even as I say that I'm taking that back I'm like I don't even know what's possible maybe it's possible so who knows I want to stay.

29:00

Open to that for everyone but so

29:02

and then I just started running groups and you know my first group no one signed up for and I cried a lot and I you know then people started signing up and we're and it just sort of evolved from that and it feels very much like I'm in my life I meant with

29:14

you know I was talking to a best friend of mine the other day and she said how did you know how did you put you've always loved the body you've always loved people's emotions you've always loved writing like how did you this all come together and I don't know it just was a

29:26

path a lot of it trusting impulse and a lot of it.

29:30

Having opportunities that you know where I landed in New York and a friend that I had studied abroad in South Africa with.

29:39

Was a writer she was my age and she said come join my writers group.

29:43

If we were all 25 and everyone is taking themselves really seriously and really because of her and because of that group I took myself seriously.

29:53

You know that was I mean I tell her all the time I mean that was.

29:58

She was integral and me thinking that this was something I could do mmm and we have we all I think many of us most of us have these little these not these little these people in our Lives who just show up at certain times and

30:11

there's a bigger piece at work there that we may not even know at the time.

30:15

You know absolutely so I'm curious now with that framework in mind thinking about how you.

30:24

Show up for everything you show up for you know

30:27

personally and professionally from a place of really honoring your body honoring your needs divesting from grind culture and whatever way you can like how does it

30:39

work I often get a lot of emails from parents who say kind of like okay but not me Mmm Yeah

30:47

you know and I think we all really struggle with divesting from grind culture so it's not parent specific but there's so much busyness in parenting that.

30:57

I think sometimes it makes it feel like

31:00

it's the exception because I don't know you are by Nature getting less sleep or feeding lots of people you know feeding yourself first is such a beautiful

31:11

example of that I think but I'm curious about what I like I didn't make it work

31:16

yeah well the first piece is for me is to sit with a truth that there will be consequences

31:23

you know which is you know I'm 43 so I think my generation at least of middle to upper-class American women.

31:32

Generally I'm generalizing was told like you can be all the things course you can you know and I think on some level.

31:41

That's true however when we unplug or divest from grind culture there will be consequences there have to be consequences because you can't.

31:52

Well. A very personal example in May I had a Health crisis where I ended up getting an emergency blood transfusion I lost so much blood I didn't know I mean I knew but I didn't realize it the degree of it and I had to.

32:08

Stop a lot of things. In order to build myself back up from severe blood loss and I had to cancel a class I had to cancel I had I lost a lot of money I'm sure I lost people on my list you know I'll who knows and.

32:25

That was a consequence I had to take in order to stay alive and when that became clear to me it didn't matter mmm I don't care.

32:37

If no one ever signs up for a class again I have to stay on this planet for myself and for my kids and that just that was so crystallized for me

32:47

and it allowed me and I took a lot of space and the consequence was Financial the consequence was you know I lost a lot of what I built

32:57

professionally but what I gained

33:01

was profound I can't even language it right now because I'm just at the place where I can reflect back it's been seven or eight months where I can reflect back and start to feel what I've gained.

33:13

But it was profound like a whole new foundation for my life.

33:18

And so for me it's a balance of consequences and you know with with young kids that shits real like yes there's the systems have created.

33:29

An impossible situation right.

33:32

With one person trying to do all these things and it doesn't it's never made sense and so in that case.

33:42

I did not I was not at that point when my kids were really little I was not willing.

33:48

00 in the morning every night.

33:58

Because I was you know with my little ones on some days when I didn't have childcare and then I ended up completely ravaging my own hormones which led to a lot of.

34:09

Health issues and mental health issues but I wasn't willing to let go of the other pieces so what I have done anything differently I don't know.

34:19

Like my honest truth is I don't know I was so committed to my creative practice and to my writing and building.

34:27

My work I don't know if I don't know if I would have done anything differently and that's the honest truth and so it's like but now I'm in a different place and so.

34:35

You know how people say when you have little kids just you know.

34:38

Hang on you know when they're five everything will shift try not to get divorce because if you partner because it will shift,

34:46

you know I heard that a lot from people and and part of that feels true to me I don't know yeah I don't really have like a great and.

34:56

Inspiring answer for that other than I can we bear the some consequences hmm are we okay with that and are we okay supporting each other and that and even celebrating that for each other and saying yeah.

35:09

You had to let go of X so that you could be Y and or Z or ARB whatever it is and yeah yeah for me it's so much about getting right.

35:21

I getting aligned inside of myself because though there are for sure I mean I am I have a three-year-old and a six-year-old so I

35:30

you're doing lots of things you know and my we were caring for a good friend of ours who was terminally ill over the course of this last year so I did a lot of that Parenting by myself

35:42

and for me.

35:45

Though there are of course you know having to say no to so many things in order to kind of Honor that commitment both first to care for our friend and second to obviously care for our children and do that in a

35:58

the way that I want to do it versus just phoning it in which is always available just right there what I notice is like yeah there's absolutely have been for me over the course of this last year professional

36:10

consequences Financial consequences.

36:13

But what cuts the most as I'm sitting here thinking about it is really my internal experience at the gap between my ambition and the reality of my life

36:26

mmm and like the frustration which is quick to rage yes of just like wanting.

36:37

So many different things at the same time yeah.

36:40

Because it's not like I don't want to be here with my kids and it's not like I don't want to you know I've said yes to everything very consciously but what is lost.

36:51

Is Getting to like Frolic around in my rich in our world my life kiddo and create things out of that which I really fucking love to yes and do it in a certain way

37:04

and as you were talking I was kind of thinking about how the most.

37:10

Pain that I experienced is really at that like that Gap yes between what's possible and what I want and.

37:20

How you know for me kind of the only way to get through that or to be with that is to flake really reorganize it again and again and just say like okay you know these are my commitments

37:33

and it won't always be this way but this is how it is right now and I am good with those commitments.

37:39

Yes and I'm willing to feel all of the ways that I'm feeling right now in order to honor them and you know kind of coming back to that like it doesn't doesn't mean it's you're doing it wrong if you're uncomfortable it's you do the bit further than even if you are.

37:54

Filled with rage about that Gap you still doesn't mean you're doing it wrong and it doesn't mean you would choose to do it any other way yeah well.

38:03

And I wonder if there's a like to zoom zoom out way out and see.

38:11

I love working with cycles and seasons and.

38:14

For me it's helpful to know that even in the in the moments when I'm not quote producing anything creative or even actively in my.

38:25

Making space. That there is still something happening like there is the fallow period which honestly the Early Childhood years as a parent

38:37

there's so much happening in the home but for work especially you know for especially creative work it feel it can feel like a fallow period because there is the actual reality of lack of time and all of that and.

38:50

But if I can trust that and there are fallow periods within days to raise like within a day there's a fallow in a productive period all of that you know it's scales and all the different directions but.

39:00

To look back and go okay that was a season where there was a fallow period but in the fallow period it's not that nothing is happening is that everything is getting ready to emerge.

39:10

And it is that everything is percolating and the seeds are underground and they are ready they're just waiting for the sun and the you know and,

39:20

the rain and all the things to come to help them grow but they're ready they're potentiated and,

39:27

that to me feels exciting because it feels like oh something is happening that there's so much underneath and in the Subterranean and it is.

39:36

Preparing itself for when that the conditions are ready for this now that doesn't mean that we can't find moments and pockets in which to explore that but as a.

39:47

As a general tone

39:49

that helps me a lot I don't know people often ask me about writing practice and I say in my first book when I had did not have children I wrote three hours a day every day for a year

40:00

the end my second book I wrote in fit since when I had a little one I wrote in fits and starts.

40:07

I had to go away for 12 days

40:07

and leave her with her dad and write my first draft.

40:15

And then I mean just literally for like 15 hours a day boom writing and full first draft.

40:22

And then when I came home you know I edited that multiple multiple times in fits and starts all over the place because those were the conditions of my life then so.

40:32

I think there's a lot for us there's there are a lot of answers for us in cyclical living and we have been.

40:41

Fad or shown a very static way of engaging with.

40:49

Create a practice you know especially in modern culture which involves like time like you know do this every day at this time that it and some that works for some people but it isn't the only way you know and

41:02

anyway that I think there's for me there's a just a settling and knowing okay.

41:08

This isn't this too shall pass and this and this too is fruitful just because I'm not bearing fruit every minute of the day doesn't mean I'm not.

41:17

Creating I love that thank you so much for sharing that it's really I mean it's personally.

41:23

Wonderful to hear myself but I think that there are a lot of people who will be listening that that

41:28

will be really inspiring for as well I'm curious for I know I only have you for a few more minutes this has been so great

41:35

but I have two more questions I have to ask you the first is about your favorite body based writing exercises you talked a little bit about what you're writing practice looks like now and I'm.

41:48

Personally curious how you bring your body along for the ride yes I'm a very

41:55

the most simple piece is just tracking my own nervous system my own body as I'm writing before I write as I right after I write so

42:05

looking for not so much emotion it will be there but tracking Sensations because Sensations proceed emotion so.

42:14

The way I know that I'm sad is that I feel constriction in my throat that's a sensation right that leads me to call it sad the way I know that I feel anger is my esophagus starts being squeezed like from the bottom and go moving upwards and that's what I know okay here we go this is about I'm about to explode so.

42:33

I track my Sensations before I give give myself a prompt

42:39

notice how is my body responding to this prompt before I go right into that oh I feel I'm leaning toward it or I'm leaning away from it you know that's some posturing that are some posturing pieces there and then afterwards.

42:52

As well and during and it's it takes some practice to get into that space because we're not we're not used to that we're not used to being with our bodies while we're also with our thoughts and.

43:03

The other piece is reading something aloud.

43:07

And also not only to myself but to another person so all of those are different iterations of you can write something.

43:15

And you're going to have one experience with it you can read it out loud to yourself and you're going to have another experience that because it moving up and out through your vocal cords is going to elicit.

43:24

Something in your body often times people will read out loud in my workshops they'll go I don't know why I'm crying like I didn't even feel that when I was writing it you know but something about voicing it and being seen brings more of that sensation more the emotion up and then reading it

43:39

to someone else a trusted person creates a whole other layer of complexity right which which actually gives us information about

43:48

ourselves and what we feel okay speaking what words have weight what words don't have wait so though that's a very simple piece around bringing the body along

43:57

the other piece is delighting in our own language so I'm often asking people like how do you language this what are the words you use what are the words that you use that are tired that you don't want to use anymore.

44:09

You hear yourself saying them.

44:12

And you feel physically tired you know that's an important key right there okay so then wow I think.

44:20

I think I want some different language around this so and just delighting in your own Rhythm and pacing and all of that because it's

44:28

you know I love a run-on sentence I love a run-on sentence written especially I just love how it tumbles on top of it on top of itself I love it

44:38

paired with a really short Punchy sentence so for me I just love that variety some people really like something that's more monotone you know

44:47

and what is that for you that's bringing the mammal into it like what do you like what is your preference and your body will let you know that.

44:55

You know if I asked you to write and really short staccato sentences

45:00

how is your body going to respond to that does that excite you do you feel do you get an uplift and your spine and you feel like yes let's do this or do you feel.

45:09

You know sort of deflated right so constantly tracking our own impulse in our own response and then the other one that I love.

45:18

That has given me so much traction in my life so I love to pass it on to people it comes from its my adaptation of something that comes from somatic experiencing in which they say it's really important

45:30

to create new neural pathways.

45:32

To notice the small changes that are happening and to actually notice that you're noticing right so you have an argument with your partner but you do it a little differently and you say to each other wow we did that differently.

45:43

Let's notice that we did that differently this time that kind of thing and the noticing of the noticing is essential.

45:51

And so in my own writing when I am writing about when I'm trying to work something through.

45:58

Like sort of in a journaling type of way.

46:01

I will begin with OR end with but often begin with no tracking a 10% shift.

46:10

In something in my life and tracking it through senses.

46:18

And scene so scenic and sensory you know from a professional writing perspective

46:24

as anyone knows who writes like those are essential to write with senses and with seen it brings us into our animal cells people can feel it more but for ourselves,

46:34

just as lay people writers if I can recall and reimagine the moment when I did something differently and it was a tiny micro shift and I can really flush it out on the page and like almost make it a movie

46:49

that's you know that's coming top down because I'm choosing to do that with my thoughts but the effect is bottom up.

46:56

Which means it's in your nervous system as you read it and remember it which is I did that and you're letting your nervous system know I can do that again I have a picture of that in my mind in my heart and in my,

47:10

nervous system so now I've laid down a new track and it's super rich in detail,

47:16

and so here we go I can I can do that again so you don't even have to do this with writing on paper you can do this through your own embodied imagination when you fall asleep at night.

47:26

I do that I go I run through my day and remember and vivid imagination and in my sensation a moment where I did something differently.

47:36

And in a way that I choose right and the way that I desire I love that idea I'm going to start doing that immediately yes yes I as you were talking I was realizing that I

47:47

kind of do a form of it just abstractly naturally that's a really creative practice of it yes,

47:54

I mean what one addition to that is it's infectious in a good way you can tell your friends and you can say

48:00

you can you know call a friend and say hey here's my ten percent.

48:04

Let me share with you know share what's your ten percent and then it becomes a culture you sort of create a culture around it with your people.

48:11

Mmm Yeah one it's interesting because I can also while we're talking about simultaneously feel this little shame place that's like nobody gives a shit.

48:20

About your 10% which of course it's like exactly the part of you that needs such a thing.

48:27

And yeah just like how healing it is two.

48:31

Give yourself permission to share yes oh my goodness Molly will thank you so much this has been just.

48:38

Delightful and just really really really wonderful where can people find you what are you up to where do you like to hang out.

48:46

Yeah where do I hang out so I my website

48:50

you know Smalley Carol May.com and I hang out a lot actually in my membership the loam where we actually have a 10% practice every Tuesday and it's

49:00

amazing to see people supporting each other on that so that that shame layer is real and I think people move past it

49:07

beautiful way so there's that place I'm there all the time I run a workshop called story mammal.

49:14

Just about your nervous system and your story I do that twice a year I have probably too

49:20

maybe three in-person Retreats coming up next year 2023 so all of that is on my website I am not on social media for all the reasons that you might exceed extrapolate from what we discussed I.

49:34

My body told me so put it that way my body let me know that was not working out for me so you can find me on my website and I also have a newsletter that I put out two times a month you can sign up for that on my website and that's

49:50

it's really playful place and it is.

49:54

My whole intention with that is to not flood people's inboxes right but to create a pace that feels

50:00

like I would want to receive well link up to absolutely everything in the show notes and thank you thank you so much for everything that you shared with us today

50:09

thank you Maura it was a it's wonderful to be with you and I could keep conversing with you for many many hours so I appreciate your Insight and questions.

50:18

Music.

50:30

Listening to the Nene podcast of Mara glatzel.

50:33

If you want my support and learning how to nourish your needs dance on over to the needy podcast.com to take my quiz to figure out what you need right now and how to meet those needs with a greater sense of ease and confidence.

50:46

If you love Today's Show please leave us a review on iTunes and consider joining the needy Inner Circle where your monthly contribution enables us to continue bringing you the delicious conversations you adore without advertisement or interruption.

51:00

To become a member of the needy Inner Circle and gain access to the inspiring behind-the-scenes treats we've whipped up for you skip to the knee podcast.com.

51:08

And as always permission loves company so if there's a human in your life that you think would benefit from this conversation I will be so grateful if you would share.

51:18

Music.