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You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

Released Wednesday, 10th August 2022
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You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

You Don’t Have to Be Mean to Yourself

Wednesday, 10th August 2022
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Episode Transcript

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1:10

Music.

1:29

Host Mark glatzel and you are listening to the needy podcast.

1:34

Here at needy we are devoted to sharing Frank conversations and true stories about what it means to meet your needs consistently messily and sustainably.

1:44

Needy is a listener funded podcast your contributions and enable us to continue bringing you the delicious conversations you adore without advertisement or interruption,

1:55

to become a member of the needy Inner Circle and to get information about today's episode dance on over to the needy podcast.com.

2:04

Music.

2:09

Hello everyone welcome to needy today we are talking about a very delicious topic that.

2:18

Yeah I've discussed here before periodically but I recently received an email that said.

2:24

We are taught that being mean to ourselves will make it better and it hasn't worked one day will unlearn it maybe.

2:33

As I've been sitting with this email I've been thinking about both how we have come to develop this kind of relationship with ourselves where we think that,

2:45

being mean or cruel or punishing is the avenue to getting wherever it is that we want to go and what it takes actually to unlearn that because.

2:57

I believe that unlearning that is possible,

3:01

right now in this moment and it's not a one-and-done deal it's something that we need to work towards and build practices that support it but this idea that.

3:14

Being entrenched in a combative way of being in relationship with ourselves is something that we have to live with until somehow magically something

3:23

changes our lives or sets us on a different path I think is one that I want to call into question and really refute because I think,

3:33

no matter what you have been taught to believe about yourself and your productivity and your worth and your goodness as a human being every single moment

3:43

over the course of your day week month life is a moment when you can choose a different way of relating to yourself of pursuing your goals of,

3:55

finding that

3:55

kind of complicated space between self-acceptance and wanting more or different for yourself and learn how to do things differently so let's do that today,

4:09

so first let's talk about the problem.

4:12

This idea that self-acceptance equals stagnation or you know if we approve of ourselves somehow we are selfish arrogant self indulgent.

4:23

We're just kidding ourselves right that Were Somehow good enough as we are and don't,

4:29

require Improvement or change or growth and I really believe that we can have both

4:36

we can sit comfortably in a space of self-acceptance and self love and self care while also holding a,

4:47

bigger vision for our lives and for what we want for ourselves and how we want to show up and interact with the world around us,

4:55

this cultural messaging is really Insidious because if we see examples of,

5:01

goodness and growth and productivity and life hacking and.

5:07

Becoming something that were not as necessitating are being a combative relationship with ourselves and of course that's what we're going to perpetuate so if that's how you were raised.

5:20

If that's the messaging that you're receiving from the world around you constantly which of course it is

5:25

then you're going to think well that's how everybody is right that's how everybody works that's how everyone relates themselves and so if you walk away from this podcast with one thing and one thing only let it be this,

5:39

that is not how everyone relates to themselves that is not how everyone produces or pursues the goals that are in front of them,

5:49

I'm fortunate to offer.

5:54

Opportunities and conversations and communities with people who are trying to do things differently and I certainly am trying to do things differently in my own life.

6:04

So I'm going to start with my own story here.

6:08

I was and am a recovering people pleaser a perfectionist,

6:16

control freak I sell these things lovingly about myself because while I know that.

6:23

These ways of being ways of showing up ways of relating to myself don't originate in me.

6:31

Because they exist within me they are.

6:35

Mine to reckon with mine to figure out what feels good and what doesn't and how to proceed from here so whatever it is that you may be experiencing,

6:46

you're caught in this similar tangle of this is mine this is how I feel it's not my fault.

6:54

But if I want to be different if I want to produce differently if I want to relate to myself with a greater sense of kindness and compassion

7:06

then this is something that I have to figure out for myself.

7:11

One of the great things about the knee podcast is that behind you as you do this work is a community of other people who are dedicated to doing things differently is a

7:24

community of humans who are endeavoring to.

7:30

Do the things that they want and need to do but with a greater sense of Grace and kindness and compassion for themselves.

7:39

So As I said let's start with me go walk it back a little bit too little teeny tiny Mara who is trying to do two things the first is.

7:52

Be a superstar produce a whole lot do it perfectly do it yesterday impress everybody earn my way to the self belonging and self-acceptance that I'm making for and this shows up professionally certainly shows up throughout my schooling,

8:09

but it also shows up in my relationship with my body and this is.

8:14

A very important interaction particularly if you are a person who identifies as a woman as a femme,

8:23

certainly non-binary folks and gender-nonconforming folks who were socialized as girls experience this.

8:31

When you live in a culture where,

8:34

you are socialized to accept and take responsibility for the bulk of the emotional labor in your life you have this,

8:44

experience both of your service and your self-worth being interwoven but also this relationship with your body where if you,

8:54

want to view should certainly be working on the project of changing your body better in your body and underneath both of these things is this idea that,

9:07

there's you the human messy you who looks the way that you do and feels the way that you feel and has all of the stuff going on in your own Human Experience your neediness for example.

9:19

And then there's this version of you that you're working towards that if you work hard enough you will get from here to there.

9:26

If you you know hack up your life and,

9:30

figure out how to better produce or be more productive with your time that anything and everything is possible for you and,

9:39

we set ourselves about that task,

9:42

the task of working really hard trying to earn space for our Humanity while also judging it.

9:50

Judging it as the thing that keeps us from getting where we want to go,

9:55

so we're caught in this tangle and the examples that were given our of.

10:01

Being unkind to ourselves and forcing ourselves into greater and greater levels of achievement through.

10:10

Breaking ourselves down and making it seem like if we want to be good if we want to be worthy if we want to succeed if we want to be loved if we want to be,

10:20

of service contributing to the world around us then there's only one path forward.

10:26

And that is a path that is formed by self judgement and self-loathing and through really being unkind.

10:37

And. Cruel often to ourselves so I can tell you what that looks like for me and I can tell you that.

10:49

It didn't it didn't work and ultimately it didn't work right that's what we're saying that if that were going to have worked it would have worked a long time ago certainly for me definitely for you

11:01

if beating ourselves up making ourselves feel badly,

11:04

forcing ourselves to Greater levels of excellence and achievement through being unkind that would have worked it would have worked already,

11:14

so what's underneath this.

11:18

I see this that the real issue here is that generally speaking we have a lack of self-trust.

11:26

One of the reasons that I was working so hard punishing myself is because I believed that if left to my own devices I would kind of crumble into nothing,

11:36

that without the plans and the goals and the ten steps and the this and the that,

11:42

that I would just sit on the couch and watch TV all day or you know that I would wake up somewhere down the road covered in Dorito dust watching daytime TV and accomplishing nothing.

11:54

I really believe that if left to my own devices nothing good would happen in my life and as a person who,

12:02

wants a lot for myself who has a lot of Ambitions this was a really.

12:12

Painful potential future to hold I was always safeguarding against it and we Safeguard against the things that we don't innately trust,

12:22

the more that we don't trust ourselves the more that we judge our lack of willpower or lack of ambition our own particular way of doing things the more rules that we create.

12:36

About what we can eat and how we have to produce and how we look and how we pursue things.

12:44

And when we show up as the messy and real humans that we are we inevitably judge that about ourselves we think that is what makes us untrustworthy.

12:57

And part of this has to do with the models for trustworthiness that we are given

13:03

this idea of something having to be

13:07

Resolute and unimpeachable and that you can't be afraid and ready and that when you are a person who has needs and feelings and.

13:20

Requirements for living that are in opposition to productivity that there's something wrong with you and that you can't be trusted.

13:29

So when talking about this new way of relating to ourselves ultimately I am casting an entirely New Vision for what is trustworthy.

13:41

What is okay what is valid to experience and two braids into your daily life.

13:51

I believe that we are far more productive and happy and that our lives are increasingly sustainable,

14:01

when we welcome our Humanity in instead of building higher and higher walls to keep it out.

14:07

Because here's the thing about your needs they're coming for you at some point regardless of how well you have learned to,

14:17

keep them out or protect against them,

14:19

you know you are a feeling being a sentient being that is a fact and not a flaw you have needs that is a fact and not a flaw.

14:29

You have energy cycles that wax and Lane over the course of the year that is a fact and not a flaw,

14:36

you are not meant to produce or shine 24 hours a day 365 days a year and when we hold that.

14:46

That impeccable productivity model as the standard of course.

14:51

Are true fallible human cells are always going to look lackluster or untrustworthy by the contrary but at the very Crux of this comparison.

15:06

Is this lie that we can and should be able to be more like the machines that we use everyday and less like the sentient natural beings that each and every one of us are inside.

15:21

And so doing this work of learning how to trust yourself really requires a sea change,

15:28

in how you relate to what is trustworthy what you deem worthy and good and.

15:36

This is big work this is Lifetime work but you can practice it each and every day by giving yourself permission in small doable ways to be who and how you are.

15:52

Real humans. Have feelings we bleed we sweat we get tired we become overwhelmed we become inundated our energy waxes and wanes we're not.

16:09

Reliable. In that same way that we this is why I just love you know bodies as machine metaphors because you can't just turn yourself on and put yourself up and watch yourself go,

16:22

you can't just say hey this is what is on the list for today and,

16:26

your Human Experience be damned I mean you can for a certain amount of time that might work for a certain amount of time but inevitably,

16:34

you will never be able to outrun or out life hack of a human that you are

16:39

and so what if instead you were able to create a relationship with yourself

16:45

that had space for your Humanity that has space for your needs where you turn towards yourself before you turn towards your to-do list to say what do I have the capacity for today

16:57

and to know that even if that means you might do less in this given day.

17:04

You might over the course of time be able to circumvent burnout.

17:11

You may able to pour yourself into the things that matter to you sustainably over the course of your lifetime even if.

17:19

Each and every day you may end up doing a little bit less or a little bit more than you think that you should do.

17:29

So already it's understanding that these ideas of what we should be able to do what a human should be able to do are built on faulty logic.

17:39

And it can feel like well how can this be faulty because,

17:44

these messages are everywhere and so instead of looking out of yourself for I mean I'm delivering you a message right now but instead of looking outside of yourself for other examples

17:57

I want to turn you back towards yourself to ask is this way of showing up working for you.

18:04

Really meaning does it feel good

18:04

is it sustainable.

18:11

Do you feel like you're able to bring your best self forward over the course of the last couple of episodes we've talked about.

18:20

Making sustainable commitments and finding your way into that gray zone between that all-or-nothing thinking and really all of these points walk back to this idea of.

18:34

Developing a relationship with yourself that allows your Humanity in instead of holds your Humanity at Bay.

18:44

Underneath that. In doing this work is about rebuilding your trust in yourself it is about reclaiming your trust in yourself and this is where the practice comes into play because,

18:58

trust isn't lost or rebuilt in a second in a day.

19:03

It is the compilation of many moments over the course of Our Lives where we learn that we're untrustworthy as we are that we don't have the willpower that other people have,

19:16

that our way of doing things isn't acceptable or,

19:21

yes we're don't move as quickly or we don't process things as readily or we require time and space in order to figure out what,

19:29

is what for us that there's something wrong with us that we are inherently flawed and that we should be devoting all of our energy to fixing those flaws.

19:41

And I'm wondering about what it looks like to stop seeing our own personal unique way of doing things as a flaw.

19:50

To begin with right so you're a person you're a human.

19:56

Yeah needs you have feelings your brain works in certain ways you have natural sleep patterns and time zones of productivity.

20:10

When we live in a world with these ideas like the early bird gets the worm and you have to have like get a jump start on your day or your morning routine needs to look like this or other people who are productive you know this those Habits of Highly productive people all of that kind of things when we try to

20:26

mimic and force upon ourselves systems that may be genuinely work for other people but may not work for us,

20:35

we're setting ourselves up for failure.

20:39

And what is failure when we're talking about self-trust failure is really really important because failure,

20:48

allows us to do two things the first is to really come to terms with what is and what isn't working for us so let's say you want something and you fail at it.

20:59

Beyond making that failure mean everything about you and your worth as a human being,

21:04

each moment of failure each moment of not doing the things that we say that we're going to do not being able to follow through with the plan that we've set ourselves

21:16

not being able to keep up with a certain model of living or producing we become intimately acquainted with a set of data,

21:25

about what didn't work and we could pour all of our precious energy out beating ourselves up for that for having failed,

21:38

for not being able to fit ourselves inside of a preconceived system.

21:43

For not being able to do things the way that the people that we admire might do things and we could use all of our precious energy doing that or we could get curious.

21:55

But why something didn't work for us and what we might want and need to do differently if that thing that we were pursuing really matters to us to begin with.

22:05

So when we're thinking about failure there is,

22:09

just a whole host of opportunities to rebuild trust just within that one experience the first is not choosing to beat ourselves up,

22:18

how you speak to yourself about a perceived failure is crucial for either rebuilding or breaking down further yourself Trust,

22:29

so let's say the perceived failure happens in that moment you have a choice.

22:35

Punish yourself beat yourself up make yourself feel badly try to quote unquote Inspire yourself.

22:43

Through hurting yourself or.

22:47

Getting curious like hey that didn't work and yet this is something that's really important to me how might I want and need to go about that thing differently.

22:58

So I did I mention the early bird gets the worm but here because this is something that has plagued me for much of my life this idea that models of success mean,

23:11

you have to get up you have to do it early you have to do it before everyone else that it's a race and there's one winner

23:18

and if that winter is not me then I have failed.

23:22

And over the course of my life I have tried to divest from that concept to realize that.

23:30

I'm not genuinely a person who is an early riser,

23:35

I have children now so I do I do rise fairly early and actually since having children I've noticed that I do get most of my work done in the morning but that's not because that's the best time for me that's because

23:49

that's the time where I have childcare and when it comes to mid-afternoon

23:54

which is actually a great time for me personally that's when my kids are coming home from school or camp and I'm no longer able to,

24:02

work in the same way that I

24:04

I was able to during my free time right but this idea of not just time of day that were working but that the first person there,

24:14

is the winner if you're not first you have failed you are you know bad and wrong discounts the fact that each and every one of us moves at our own pace,

24:27

each and every one of us can contribute things of value even if we are not the first person there.

24:34

And also requires recognizing the cost of being the first person there so for example for me if I were to race to get somewhere first,

24:45

which I've done certainly if I were to race to get somewhere first,

24:49

what I can absolutely guarantee to you is that I have rushed my process so baked into this model,

24:58

is my knowing that when I Rush something to be first I skip over the best of what I have to offer.

25:07

Which is the things that happen when I have the time and space to get curious about it and so maybe I'm not first.

25:15

But when I've had the opportunity to really think something through,

25:19

go over something multiple times in my mind have blank space where I'm not quote-unquote working

25:26

to be able to just be in Wonder or the vastness of possibility that,

25:35

I'm not enabling myself to bring the best of what I have to offer

25:39

and maybe you're a sprinter maybe you're not a Daydreamer like me and so maybe your process is different but that is exactly the point

25:48

that the more well-acquainted we can become with our own personal process and the better we get at shaping Our Lives to best suit us and our needs

26:03

the more sustainably productive we will be across the board.

26:08

So when I was rushing to get somewhere that required a lot of caffeine

26:14

it required a lot of adrenaline stress hormones the fear the constant plaguing fear of,

26:23

not getting there first and you know maybe I got their second and it's not my best work and then where am I then,

26:32

instead of giving myself the space and time to show up and do my work as well as possible and Trust in the value of my contributions and know that,

26:43

when I take time to step away from my work and engage with the world around me whatever it is that I'm producing is guaranteed to be better than if I sit at my computer and push through.

26:57

So I have had to Rebrand a lot of kind of I don't know perceived non-productive time as being really integral to my process.

27:11

And again if I look at it over the course of the way that energy waxes and wanes over the course of the year I can see that cyclically there are times of the year that are much better for me to produce than others.

27:24

So currently I'm in one. From about the beginning of May until the end of July is the single most best time of year for me to produce than any other point in the year.

27:40

Does this mean that I don't get things done at other points during the year of course I do but.

27:48

My work is going to be different there's going to be more Segways there's going to be more down time it's going to require a different kind of care.

27:59

And That's essential honoring that is essential to.

28:03

Really allowing for my productivity to be as consistent and sustainable over the course of my life.

28:12

So we rebuild trust by encountering failure collecting that data getting to know ourselves.

28:21

Understanding how our energy waxes and wanes over the course of the year and I remember back at the beginning of doing this work I had a really enormous fear that.

28:34

If I were to sit down I would never get up again if I were to let go of my hyper-vigilant.

28:41

Crushing weight knuckled grip on my career for example that time would pass and I would somehow just fade into nothing I wonder if you felt that way.

28:55

I wonder if you have felt that crushing urge to push yourself forward faster than you are able,

29:05

or put your needs on the back burner certainly the person who wrote me this email has had this experience she said we're taught that being mean to ourselves will make it better,

29:15

but it hasn't worked and one day will unlearn it maybe

29:15

I think baked in that is such an important acknowledgement.

29:25

We are taught something and it hasn't worked we are sold something and it hasn't worked.

29:37

We are told that we can be everything that we can do everything that we can look,

29:45

exactly the way that we want to look exactly the way that Society wants us to look if only we work harder and push further and do more.

29:59

Well experiencing that internal knowing that it's not working it's not working,

30:08

and so often when we feel into that fear place that's a place where we turn up the heat and we say it's not working that must mean there's something wrong with me do more do better do faster doo doo doo doo doo.

30:21

Instead of pausing to ask ourselves why isn't this working for me specifically.

30:27

And if you aren't well-versed in being kind to yourself this may be a moment of.

30:36

Self-doubt where you think well you know maybe other people are just better than me maybe there's something wrong with me maybe I can't do it,

30:48

I can't do the things that Maura saying right now I'm not deserving of it,

30:53

maybe you know she's more talented than me and that's why this works out for her yeah yeah.

31:00

I want to encourage you to start with the assumption that there is nothing wrong with you.

31:09

There's nothing wrong with your brain

31:09

that the idea of willpower is fake.

31:18

That you can pursue the life and the dreams and the goals and the desires that you have for yourself while also being kind to yourself.

31:32

But this requires no longer seeing everything that you want at odds with the person who you are.

31:42

Because no matter where you go no matter how quickly you go there you are never going to be able to outrun your Humanity.

31:51

You Are a Human Being it's not a curse.

31:57

It's not something to be embarrassed about it's not something that's just profoundly wrong with you.

32:04

You're a human being were all human beings and human beings have requirements.

32:10

We have needs we have feelings we have conditions that enable us to thrive we have unique ways of doing things preferences

32:22

rhythms right energetic rhythms.

32:27

That when we turn towards ourselves and when we are able,

32:35

really come into greater and greater harmony with our very human selves we are able to show up in a way that is Unified.

32:47

That will never happen if we're trying to outrun our Humanity.

32:53

So something that's really important to bring up here is the idea of grief because for me I experience.

33:02

An enormous amount of grief,

33:05

for the lies that I was sold about who and how I could be for this idea that,

33:13

if only I worked hard enough I could earn my way to safety to goodness to Worth to belonging to rest.

33:23

That, if I were able to perform and on a certain schedule and meet a certain measure of just external validation and approval and success

33:37

that I would get to a place where I mattered.

33:43

Where I was allowed to meet my needs where I was allowed to have needs.

33:49

And that couldn't be further from the truth.

33:56

Because you know as well as I know that whatever it is that that Milestone is that you're holding up as this is the place that once I get here everything will be great.

34:06

Once you get there. That Milestone just gets punted out a little bit further always just Out Of Reach always Out Of Reach by Design.

34:18

And so there's grief here there's grief for the many years that I spent denying my Humanity.

34:26

Judging my needs punishing my body.

34:29

And telling myself that the only good thing about me was what I was able to give and do for others.

34:37

There's grief when you start to unlearn.

34:42

This

34:42

work when you start to unlearn.

34:48

Everything that you have been taught about what is good about you and start to redefine it on your own terms.

34:57

And begin to sort out the work of you know these things that I've put into these categories of this is good about me this is bad about me that all of that's Up For Debate.

35:09

And you get to choose

35:09

and,

35:13

as you're choosing it as you're starting to put things into new categories at by getting curious and saying like oh hey you know this unique way that I work

35:22

or these things that I need or these basic requirements that I have for thriving all of these things can I have them and also produce while maybe not at the same clip.

35:32

You know there was a long stretch of time we're taking care of myself meant doing less and there was grief there,

35:41

there was also fear there what if I'm never able to do things again and you know if I don't have that cruelty and self-hatred and perfectionism forcing me along.

35:53

I'm not breaking myself down into little bit so that I'm you know reinforced by this new grand plan for myself then who am I what am I.

36:03

But on the other side of it I can see.

36:06

That really coming into right relationship with myself and rebuilding myself trust has meant that I get.

36:14

Hands down so much more work done than I used to and it's not about the amount of work,

36:23

but for me the quality of work

36:26

the level of satisfaction that I have with my own Creations has increased the understanding that I'm not good at everything none of us are good at everything none of us are perfect and that doesn't mean that I'm bad or wrong.

36:41

Because instead of perseverating on all of the things that I can't do in all of the ways that don't work for me I am allowed to shift my focus to know hey I'm good at this this and this,

36:54

you know I'm never going to be a scientist.

36:57

I just crumble when it comes to numbers of pretty much any sort I'm great with qualitative research I'm great with words I'm great with understanding concepts and making connections and.

37:11

I'm never going to be the kind of person who has a well-researched,

37:16

framework for something that's just not the way that my brain works and I could spend my whole life judging me for everything that I'm not and doing so would inevitably.

37:28

Prohibit me from,

37:30

contributing to the world in the way that only I can and so you have this choice you could spend the rest of your life berating yourself for everything that you're not or.

37:45

You could start the work of welcoming in All That You Are.

37:51

And knowing that you just like the rest of us are going to have things that you're great at things that you're not so great at and when you really understand that you can make a plan that supports you.

38:03

So you know if I am running this business and I'm not great with numbers I can hire a bookkeeper,

38:09

right I can hire somebody to deliver those numbers to me to make sense of those numbers for me and I can focus on the creative work which is really where I thrive,

38:19

and also XL. And this comes not through some arbitrary learning or you know climbing the ladder this external understanding of what success looks like it comes through being in relationship with myself and being willing to be honest,

38:37

about what I'm really good at and what I'm not.

38:41

And figuring those things out on my own terms requires a lot of unlearning,

38:47

of what is good and right to be of what everyone else wants from me all of those things that I was expert an expert in before and.

38:58

Begin rebuilding from this place of being in relationship with myself.

39:04

If you're anything like me that might be the last thing on your mind right now that might be the thing that you've been avoiding for your entire life but if you want to stop being mean to yourself.

39:19

If you want to really come to terms with the fact that showing up that way is not working for you

39:19

and unlearn it.

39:29

You can choose a different way right now you can choose to rebuild a different kind of relationship with yourself right now.

39:39

One that is rooted in South trust and self-acceptance and self love and self care.

39:45

That doesn't mean tying everything up in a pretty pink bow and saying like yeah everything about me is great no problems here no nothing to work towards nothing to work on because that's not how we grow.

39:59

But when you are willing to be in relationship with yourself you can grow from a space of self-love from a steady Foundation of being in relationship with yourself instead of,

40:13

running from the constant fear of your not enough Ness

40:13

so if this is something that you want to take on what are a few steps to get you started,

40:23

the first is that when those old thoughts creep in when you want to be unkind to yourself or uncharitable when you want to beat yourself up reminding yourself in that moment that,

40:35

you're trying not to do that anymore,

40:37

there's nothing wrong with slipping back into those old ways of relating to yourself but in that moment of noticing that you're doing it you have a choice you can continue down that path or you can remind yourself like hey

40:49

no problem you came here you got here again it's familiar to you but right now I'm trying to learn a different way of being,

40:58

you may put up,

41:01

Post-its you may put a reminder in your phone you may have some scripts ready for yourself when you find yourself back in that old way of thinking whatever you need for that is totally okay.

41:15

But having a plan in place knowing,

41:20

I am on learning something massive and that's going to require practice and repetition and there will be many moments along the way that I slip up and find myself back in that old well Worn Path,

41:34

that doesn't mean I'm doing it wrong just means that I'm human that's how we learn when we get stressed or overwhelmed we find our way back to a pattern that is familiar.

41:44

But in that moment you have an opportunity to remind yourself hey I'm trying to do something different trying to find a different way.

41:52

And by reminding yourself you are intentionally practicing divesting from those cultural stories that harm you.

42:03

You may want to join a community of other people who are doing that.

42:07

I have plenty of them if you this is something that's of interest to you and you're looking for that kind of community please be in touch the people who I am so honored to work with and circle with and gather with just.

42:23

Surprise me every single day with their tenacity and willingness to keep showing up.

42:30

For finding a new way of relating to themselves and I think that having a community can help sure you up especially if this work is new for you,

42:39

now you don't have to join a program or work with a coach to do that you could also,

42:45

read books that reinforce this way of being listen to podcast follow people on social media.

42:53

Give yourself a community of humans of like-minded individuals that you can turn to even just in the privacy of your own mind to say hey.

43:05

Remember what that person said or remember what this person is doing that's true for me too.

43:11

And finally finding opportunities to actively build and nourish self-trust finding ways to hyper focus on what you are doing right what is great about you what.

43:26

You personally require in order to do your best work,

43:31

and creating those conditions so that you no longer see these two things at odds right my Humanities over here my productivity is over here and there's a you know.

43:43

Huge vast field between them but instead actively curating these experiences of hey okay you know I know that I work best at this time I know that I work best under these kinds of circumstances.

43:57

Talked about this a while ago when I was talking about writing my book that I had tried to write a book for a really long time but writing a book was such a lonely process.

44:07

And I remember reading I think it was Rising Strong by brene Brown where she talks about

44:13

Gathering up a lot of people and taking them to a beach house and doing the work of writing the book really interactively with these people she would

44:21

write pages and then read them and test stories and see how they landed and the entire book was written in conversation with people that.

44:30

She loved and who loved her and how much she herself hated this idea of I'm all by myself in a room writing.

44:40

Well, now that I have been experimenting with this little bit I do kind of like love the idea of being in a room by myself and writing I have to admit because I have a lot of sensory issues and it can be really hard for me to focus

44:54

but I also need that camaraderie and that community,

44:57

and my first book which is out in February I wrote the first draft sitting next to my sister the entire time.

45:06

While she said nice things to me I me snacks and talk to me about what it was that I was creating.

45:12

That taught me how important having input and conversation is for my own creative process.

45:20

Since then I've brought in people to work here on the needy podcast I brought in people to work in my business,

45:27

I have created these opportunities to create,

45:31

in community because I learned that I was able to not only produce more under those circumstances but also that my experience of that productivity was that much better,

45:44

and the more often that we can understand those things about ourselves and put them into play and really small tangible doable ways we rebuild that trust,

45:54

that self-belief we see ourselves as being doers of things as being capable

46:01

and the more that we actively nourished that the more rooted in self-trust will become,

46:08

and will no longer need to beat ourselves up to you know Inspire these my air quotes Inspire ourselves into action instead we'll be able to

46:17

lean on her enthusiasm and our Legacy of trust in our relationship with ourselves in order to do the things that we want to do.

46:27

Ultimately there is another way there's another way of getting things done there's another way of relating to yourself there's another way of pursuing your goals.

46:37

But you have to be willing.

46:40

To experiment with it you have to be willing to face and sit in the discomfort of

46:40

feeling afraid.

46:51

When you're unlearning a long-standing pattern or habit way of relating to yourself.

46:58

And of course you'll have fear that without that pattern or that long-standing behavior you might just dissolve into nothing.

47:08

But until you face that fear until you sit in that discomfort you're always going to be running away from it.

47:17

What I found was when I started actively rebuilding my relationship with myself.

47:22

I didn't find myself three months down the road sitting on the couch covered in Dorito dust and watching daytime TV I do sometimes watch daytime TV I do also sometimes eat Doritos I do also sometimes relax,

47:35

certainly but that idea of self-abandonment that without all of my rules holding me rigidly,

47:44

structured and together that I would just melt into nothing.

47:49

I ran from that for so long and there was no way.

47:57

To test whether or not that was true.

48:01

Without being willing to take some of those structures away and see what happened you don't have to do it all at once.

48:08

But that's how self-trust is Bill.

48:13

That's the real Goods behind on learning it and doing things differently so.

48:21

You don't have to be mean to yourself whether or not you trust yourself right now you can trust yourself self trust can be rebuilt.

48:29

And these are a few ways to begin experimenting with.

48:33

Music.

48:38

Listening to the Nene podcast of Mara glatzel,

48:41

if you want my support and learning how to nourish your needs dance on over to the needy podcast.com to take my quiz to figure out what you need right now and how to meet those needs with a greater sense of ease and confidence,

48:53

if you love Today's Show please leave us a review on iTunes and consider joining the needy Inner Circle where your monthly contribution enables us to continue bringing you the delicious conversations you adore without advertisement or interruption.

49:07

To become a member of the needy Inner Circle and gain access to the inspiring behind-the-scenes treats we've whipped up for you skip to the knee podcast.com,

49:16

and as always permission loves company so if there's a human in your life that you think would benefit from this conversation I will be so grateful if you would share it.

49:26

Music.

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