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Welcome to she's not doing so well. It's a podcast. I'm Bobby.

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What is this?

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The tongue is my tongue is in my throat.

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I'm gonna try to limit the box to

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love it.

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I'm just so awkward at this God. Hello, everybody. Welcome to she's not doing well I'm Bobby. I'm Jim, we appreciate you joining us. Today we're going to talk about attachment theory. I can't wait for you to tell me all about it. Yeah, I'm a little bit. I know all about the attachment. I am literally a psychology major. I'm not but we have somebody here who like read a book. So we're gonna just talk about it in general because we got a voicemail from haweswater girl, which I'll play before we start talking about it. Yeah, but she wanted us to talk about attachment theory and one of our friends said Oh, I've read a whole book on it we're like oh, okay, it is really interesting like it is from the Wikipedia page and I read it right like from Google it's like amazing URL literally describes my whole life but it does it's very just the gist of it is basically why I've a lot of adjustment is that however your mother treated you or your caregiver treated you as an infant like little little shapes how you act as an adult, so let's just blame the mother for everything Oh sure. If your life if you've made bad choices in your life it's your mom's fault fucking bitch that we're going to talk about that in the new story fuckin batch knows a fucking bitch. Hey, oh, Sue she's a boss bitch. She's a bitch she's we're gonna talk about this. So we're gonna talk about everything I have a little I clipped it up. Clip clip clip clip that But first, I want you to tell me what you just yelled from the bathroom. Oh, yeah. You know how when you're sitting down peeing, because you're both lazy and don't feel the masculine ated by loving to me, I'm sorry, but like standing in pain is annoying, because it's splattering everywhere. Even if you lift the lid it doesn't not have a seat it splashes back at me. Yeah, it does no matter and if you stand too far back everyone can see and it's too close. It's horrifying. Men pain is disgusting. So I am all for making men sit because you know what? We need to stop. Start we should start a revolution men should sit to pee men sit men men seem to be you should make a Facebook group called men setting pain or Yeah, man liking setting men in sweatpants but like men setting been Yeah. So I'm sitting there. I looked down. I'm like, Oh boy. That seemed doesn't look right. The hole was in the back. Yeah. Underwear are backwards and inside out. So you get dressed in the dark I mean, I know you slept out noon today so yeah no not in the dark fully well rested they rested fully. That's just me backwards. Inside Out. I sometimes put on my shirt inside out or my underwear though. Well, honey you've definitely have I worked with this this person I worked with came to work and she goes look at my shoes. Both shoes are wrong. Like she had one shoe on the right foot and a whole different other type of shoe on the left. That's when you know you're going through. And she lived 25 minutes away from work so she's not going home to change she just walked out of the day like that. You know what, it's one of those days where you just like your underwears inside out your shoes are not right fuck a pocket, but you got to just play you gotta go right You can't just let something little like inside our underwear. Yeah, like what's the worst gonna happen someone's gonna cost you on the steps of the Capitol and call you a fucking bitch. Oh, and that is that is literally has happened. She had her underwear and I will save it for don't lose track of what's going on in my world. Have you have you had a rough I had a rough week again i well i started these car chats on Instagram if you don't follow me on Instagram like I started this whole thing now we're at lunch I do like car chats and I kind of do mini mini rants or like just what's on my mind and what's on my mind at lunch is a lot of weird fucking shit sometimes I'm like, oh I hate everybody or well you know what when you work with them every day and you're in close space and people are acting a certain way Yeah, I there's my one of my co workers I won't mention names told me that their significant other came home from the hospital and said that the H one n one flu virus or whatever it was worse than a Corona and we're taking this out of proportion. Now I i'm not i'm not a medical person Michael is obviously and I said it to him and he was like threw off his drink. He was like Are you fucking kidding me? Right? But I'm you know, I'm a smart guy. So I go to the CDC I make sure it's a credible, you know, resorts like Fox News.

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Getting hadn't well. When I put when I tried to prove those motherfuckers wrong, I was good at Fox News. I'm like, Oh, look, they say we're massive on Fox News. Oh, wait, The White House says we're mass and the CDC. So do you need any more proof? motherfuckers. But anyway, I digress. So I decided to look up what h one m one was, and only 12,000 people died. So I'm like, not only there's 12,000 souls that we're all let's compare that to we're comparing 105 Bunsen and we're at 1000. We're at 140. It's not the same, and we're not done because it keeps going over 1000 Americans every day are dying from Cobra right? over 1000 every day. That's a lot of grandmas and grandpas, and parents and kids. Like there's this one guy who says I'm still on Tick tock, literally filming every day in the ICU, and he's on day 15 and he's healthy. Well, but he's in the ICU. Yeah, like he's a health. He was a healthy guy before this and he's laying there. His lips are chapped. He's like I need to get the fuck out of here. Like it's miserable. I mean, he's a cute guy too. And he looks like shit when you're confined. Do a bed for that long and yeah, I've been around you'd not only lose weight you change you look different. I feel like you change probably mentally too. I think it changes you. I'm not trapped. I've never been to the hospital, like, have a breathing tube. He has like a little mask thing in his nose. Yeah. And then he got like, platelets or plasma. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, he's feeling Oh, so younger people think so. Yeah. So like, just because you're young. I mean, you can literally die still and I'm not gonna go into the whole code bullshit right now. I can't do it. We can not again, not again. But I'm just saying like, it's it's not as bad as age. But when you have when you're saying that, like, really? And I'm like, how am I gonna argue this? Yeah, you literally it's just gonna be a fucking round and round and round. We go. And you know why they're saying that it's because Obama was president. It's the same people who are literally like, well, Obama didn't know how to do h1 and one so Trump is allowed to be a complete idiot. I was like, was it like, was it No, like, this is not the same situation. No, not at all. Close. So I love that people are just dismissing 140,000 dead Americans like, well, it was worse in 2012 or what like now? No, it wasn't how you can die in car crashes. I'm like, Yeah, but do you protest wearing a seatbelt? Like you do protest wearing a mask? Because you guys talk about how you can die doing anything? Well, I don't see protesting all the rules that we have to try to prevent preventable deaths. Like you do when you get mad about a mask. Right? And there are still people mad about lying, or getting kicked off flights. Hotel Walmart won't even let them in like these people have nowhere to go who are like, Oh, we don't need to wear a mask. It's trash like goodbye. Well, speaking of that, I went to Walmart. Oh, wow, I wasn't expecting that. Sorry. newsflash. While I was looking for a pool for June. I was like, I want to sit outside all day and I want her to be there, but it's 96 degrees. So I need her to have a call to action, right? So I go online to walmart.com and they say oh, these poles are available these little like plastic blue pools that are like five bucks cheap whatever I'm like cool. I got some fucking going to Walmart so I went early because I didn't want to get the Riff Raff but you can already tell. As I'm walking up people are getting pissed they have their masks on I walked through and dated there's people pulling them down after they get in. I'm like, I can't I'm like, Oh my God, give me the fuck out of here. It's like so that it's so disrespectful. That's literally what it is disrespect, just respect. So I'm walking through. And I see like this representative. I'm like, Hi. Like, I'm looking for these pools. I don't see them. We haven't had those for weeks. I said, huh, your website says it's fully in stock. Well, the website lied. Okay, so why do we have a website then if we're not going to keep correct inventory? So who's your inventory manager here and why is it not Thank you. Because that's all electronic you scanner, you scan the number then you scan the number that go out. The numbers should be updated automatically. It's electronic. It's not a person making a mistake. I think somebody like double received in or some there's the receiving department but I'm just Like this is ridiculous like I can't like why am I here? So then I'm like trying to find something to buy. I'm like I walked in here I have my fucking mask on what do I could not find anything. I'm risking my life in a pandemic now.

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I know my God. Oh my fucking god. So then of course I go Oh, there's a school supplies. I love school. For some reason I feel it gives me like, I wonder I'm gonna get organized like Sue's your soul to get all these crayons and markers and pencil and it really? Yes. And then Meanwhile, my desk is a fucking mess here. So I'm like, I'd bring it home and just leave it on the desk. So I'm sorry I'm getting care packages ready? I'm excited for them to open what you're sending out. Yeah, and also, I mean, we're gonna have I'm gonna we're gonna go through this not this episode, we'll talk about our surprise like situations there's me a lot of fun stuff. Okay, but that's where I'm gonna officially like announced on Instagram cuz I think a lot of people would enjoy us raw and uncensored cut. Oh, can't go back though. You know what I mean? Once you're Cut, cut, y'all You can you can go on and cut you can I think you can you can stretch your your skin back out but it doesn't look the same. You don't I mean, you don't get that nice like wizard Association hanging down over there. It's not the lizard anyway lizard. No not lizard wizard. velocity. No. Yeah, I mean you need these are the things we're going to talk about on which again we're gonna announce this more but like that's kind of thing when we talk about dicks and hooking up and the stuff we want to talk about here. But really, it's this is a family friendly show. God dammit. So we do have restraints here, but we won't have restraints there. More details to come. I think we should talk news. And now the news.

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Take it away, Jim. All right. So news story number one comes out of Amazon which we all love but also love to hate. And for good reason, but apparently, they're going to be sending some boxes that you can actually use for your kitty

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cats.

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Okay, so what do you mean? So apparently the boxes can be used to make cat condos, which is like, okay now as a kid I remember when we moved to our new house and my parents got like a new fridge we took that box and we had a fort for like four months where we run the curtains up Wow. Oh wow. Yes and wow, I did design the fucking curtain. You better believe that I fucking dead only called a curtain designer. I'm gonna be one. That's when I knew that's when they knew that I was really interested in the decor. Yeah, he caught these windows made drapes out of this body. Put a little flower box out in front and for some reason has this little hole that looks like you can peek through but It's really a fucking glory all you dirty bitch. Like I was like, so yeah. You know on at that age, you knew you were on the soldiers shoulders and you knew I knew I knew right away. When you hit that neck with your D You were like, well, this military guy getting mad. Oh wow that's how I was six it's not hot but the military guy part is hot is hot. If some military guy picked me up and put me on his shoulders, honey, honey, there better be a cop or something blocking. Oh, you know hard on that neck? Yeah, no, you don't want to get hard on that man. Oh my god on a Mac. You know, when you get hard on that neck, you're done. So anyways, back to the condos. hard on that neck. You don't want to get hard on the neck. Oh, so the cat condos are such a fun idea because you can see your little kitty cat play with like a little house that you've made. You know, otherwise, you're just throwing these boxes into recycling hopefully, right? I'm sure some people are like true rats. We actually do recycle boxes here. You did just start like two weeks ago. We always have o boxes. We always have just cans. We did it. Okay. Well, more power to you, but I mean, okay, so do cats really need condos though? Cats need everything. I'm sorry. I'm just gonna die. No, Tom maturi I can tell your faces like as soon as I say the word cat, you're like, how do you hate? I don't like fucking cats. No one likes to fuck a cow. I don't like cats. Okay. Period. Like, I just don't like that they sit in a box in your house. I feel like they're kind of bitchy. I think we've had this discussion before. And it's a true statement. But yeah, like they are. They generally generally not all because our friend who's going to talk about attachment theory has a cat. Yeah, this cat like runs up to you. And it's like, immediately wants to play with you as soon as you come through the queue, but most cats don't want to run away. Look Got the window and it's like a runaway. It's look at you and judge you like yeah, you're gross. And you're like, all right. Hi kitty. And they're like, hey, I want to go. Nope, it gives me chills. They're just not the same dogs are more like, hey, I want to play Hi, who are you? Oh, I want to lick you. I'm gonna pet me pet me pet me and cats like now next. I'm not really interested in you being anywhere near me. But my question is where do these condos go outside inside? like where are they are indoors just like when you were a kid and you're playing with that box to make up for? I feel like kids can make condos out of it for Barbies. Oh, I played with Barbies too, as a kid I started I with my cousin. We talked about this. Yeah, we like Barbies. Sorry. Realistic I knew I needed to go to Hollywood one night when my sister brought him Hollywood hair. You know, I did Hollywood hair. Put it on yourself. I tested that bitch up and cut all her hair off. I like to pop a head off a Barbie. I'm not gonna lie. That's pop sound that was satisfying. See, I like to cut their hair. Maybe I should have been a hairstylist. Oh, I know you're talking about you just pop head off. I can't put it back on either though. Once I Barbie heads off, it's stained I was the knees like I would like crack the knees and crack them not crack break. They won't break. You're literally breaking them. No they would crack joints you don't remember Barbies. Really? Honey. Maybe my Barbies were a little. Well, we're a little older than you. Oh, well. I'm not that much older than you. You are now. Well you look at but ah that patch and those car rants. Oh my god, honey. I don't need it. There are days where I'm like, I need a haircut bad. Okay, grandmother Willow over here. I kind of like it. I'm gonna let the mane grow. Oh, I love it. floquet Simba. Kami. Kami. Simba. I'm more like Mufasa Oh, that's hot. Mufasa was Hi. Oh, yeah, that is everything you see. Oh, hi. Wow. What what? New Foster's hot sorry. Yeah, he's a daddy. He just started. Yeah, okay. Yeah, ready. Okay. Ready to go. Wow. That's the first time in a long time you've been ready to go. I better call your partner or fiance

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First of all, Beyonce was in the live action remake. I like the original better. No offense. Yeah. say so. I watched the live I was like, This is not as good. I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. Not sorry. It's not the same fucking thing. I know. All they do is they take an amazing movie that was in cartoon and they're like, we're gonna make a live action. I'm like, you don't need to worry. It was good in cartoon gonna do like Shadow effects. Okay, like, but we don't need like a cartoon though. We don't need it. It's not real. No, it's still computer generated, right? We don't need it. I like the original. Sorry, I do. Sorry. Not sorry. There's nothing like Rififi at the end when he slaps symbol on the head and says there's nothing you can forget the past or whatever it says it means like there's nothing like actually soldier shoulder. It's a cry that I've been very emotional today. about that. You can But we're not gonna. Okay. The next story I want to talk about is AOC, which I'm really sorry. I have a hard time saying Alexandria Cassio Cortez. She's a representative out of the 14th district in New York City. Good. Thank you. Wow. It's like I think one of the biggest districts Actually, it's very diverse, very diverse. Very Yeah. She's very young and she's younger than us younger than you. So basically what like, you heard us talking and beating saying fucking bitch and all this stuff, like as a joke, clearly joking, because that's our thing. We like to joke. Remember that? So we're gonna play the clip, and then we're going to talk about it.

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About two days ago, I was walking up the steps of the Capitol when representative Yoho suddenly turned a corner

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and he was accompanied by Representative Roger Williams, and accosted me on the steps right here in front of our nation's capitol. I was minding my own business walking up the steps. And representative Yoho put his finger in my face. He called me disgusting. He called me crazy. He called me out of my mind.

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And he called me dangerous. And then he took a few more steps. And after I had recognized his after I had recognized his his comments as rude. He walked away and said, I'm rude. You're calling me rude. I took a few steps ahead and I walked inside and cast my vote. I walked back out, and there were reporters in the front of the Capitol. And in front of reporters, Representative Yoho called me and I quote, a fucking bitch.

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These are the words that representative Yoho levied against a Congresswoman. The Congresswoman that not only represents New York's 14th congressional district, but every Congresswoman Every woman in this country because all of us have had to deal with this in some form some way some shape at some point in our lives. And I want to be clear that representative yo hos comments, were not deeply hurtful, or piercing to me, because I have worked a working class job. This is not new. And that is the problem. Mr. Yoho was not alone. He was walking shoulder to shoulder with Representative Roger Williams. And that's when we start to see that this issue is not about one incident. It is cultural. It is a culture of lack of impunity, of accepting a violence and violent language against women in an entire structure of power that supports that because not only have I been spoken to disrespectfully, particularly by members of the republican party and elected officials in the Republican Party, not just here. But the President of the United States last year, told me to go home to another country with the implication that I don't even belong in America. The governor of Florida, Governor de Santos, before I even was sworn in, called me a whatever that is. dehumanizing language is not new.

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Of course, this week, I wanted to keep it light, but I'm in light of this event. We have to speak about it. Yeah. And I'm not gonna speak about it in a man way, like a mansplaining way. I just wanted people to hear that more than anything. Just reflect on yourself. Like you need to reflect on it yourself. You need to reflect on it yourself. Right? You don't I mean we're not even trying to manage Explain it. No, we're not gonna mansplain because that would be exactly what men do. You fucking bitch. Oh, I just don't want to management. I want to tell you how it makes me feel it makes me feel very sad and angry. Yeah, it makes me sad and angry for like my mother and my sister and my cousins and my aunt's. Well, some, like, old white representative is Colleen, one of the female representatives in Congress and at the Capitol on the Brahmas Capitol on of other Europe. Now, listen, no, this is a fucking bitch all the time. Right. But Warren, I wasn't voted in by a district represent them. Yeah. Now if I was. Now if you were you would wouldn't be. Wouldn't be. But if I was, but if you were let's use the subjunctive. So yeah, I just wanted you guys hear that. Reflect on it. Do what you will with it. That's just some information for you learn that not happen like that. Yeah, don't be that way. And that's what's happening in our nation's capitol where we are supposed to be governing this country. And we see that clearly nothing. I feel like I'm speaking so clear right now. I feel like I'm, I was like, ladies and gentlemen, ladies. In this democracy, you need to listen up honey asked not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for you. It's the reverse, whatever. It's just kind of is that what our sisters and mothers go through that they get elected to the House of Representatives representing our country? And they're called fucking bitches like an offhand like, you fucking bitch. And it's like, dismissing them like you're not here. You don't count. You're a bitch go on. Like, no, no, no, they're, they're equal to you at this level. They are literally allowed always. They always are right at every level, every level but But in this level in particular particular where people respect your job well respect your position it's supposed to be respect your life. It's all about respect respect the people of this country who voted you in dumb bitch. You fucking thing is he doesn't realize he's the fucking bitch think oh, that's gonna meet in bed he doesn't realize that he's the fucking bed and he's been a little bitch and he doesn't apologize appropriately he instead uses his female family members to try to excuse it shield nope yeah feel their shields for him know what else he said he's like, I'm just I can't help with that. I'm passionate about the United States. The god my family, my family and my constituents like fuck off saying you're a fucking bitch is really appropriate? I don't think so. I don't think this is the way we need to handle things. And this kind of goes back this circles back a little bit to last week just sort of like this is the reasons why we need to just start getting more informed and that's that's what I'm going to say about I myself believe That Oh, like how is this man being elected right? But this is this is a very skin rash, trashy moment and we just need to do better and we will we're gonna get there we have faith in all of our listeners our power here at she's not doing so well to get everybody to vote it's got everybody that first sky Cirelli Oh fuck sky saarela we even talked about that, but we can talk about like shed bitch. He's a hater. I don't even hear Hey, you need all the haters, honey, there's haters out there haters mean that they're less haters gonna hate. If there's a hater writing, taking enough time to write something. You took enough time to listen, right? So guess what, I'm glad you got pest, and you wasted your time how you did? And you know what if you had real balls, you'd come on the show and talk about your republican beliefs. Yeah, you have it out, but instead, you're not. And that's the fucking news. The new

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fucking bitch.

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Hey guys, girl, I was just thinking that maybe a topic that you guys could talk about which I've been kind of getting into which I think is very interesting. seen as attachment theory, and how to understand how your relationship was with your parents when you were a child, and depending on what kind of relationship you had with them and reflects on how you treat those close to you, as friends and you know, sexual romantic as an adult. So understanding your attachment style, which was four different times, can kind of help you understand how a why we select our future partners. See our emotional patterns struggles with wearability, shame, and being afraid and help us understand, you know, needs and triggers. So I think it's pretty cool. And you guys are awesome. I love you guys so much. We will hotties and just, you know, keep moving forward and remember that everything will be okay. Love you.

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Okay, so we're here with Sarah and misty. Sarah is one of our friends. They're both our friends. Sarah is one of our friends. not mistaken. Just kidding. Sarah was speaking earlier this week to Michael and was telling him about Attachment theory. And then Mike was like, well, Bobby wants to like, because I guess he read a book, right? Is that the story? Yeah, read a book on attachment theory was shocking, because we didn't know she could read. Very read. Shocking. So can you tell us so I'm clearly not an expert on this. Can you tell us a little bit about what you got out of that book? And then I have cliff notes here to like, kind of,

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yeah, so this all I'm not an expert either. She's in the medical field, but I'm not in psych field. But basically, after going through a pretty bad breakup, I decided to figure out why I was so messed up. And I read this book, it's called attach. And I've been listening to some podcasts and watching videos and all that, but it was kind of interesting. So they kind of say that our romantic relationships, our personalities, and how we act and romantic relationships are related to how we grew up with our caretakers, they say caretakers, they usually want to blame your mother because that's their primary caretaker but like whoever you were with, like who you depended on as an infant. So basically like between infancy to two years old or three years old, when you're completely dependent on your caretaker. Whether your needs were met will kind of help to determine whether which attachment style you fall into.

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So when you say needs, does that mean just like basically eat sleep?

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No. So I think like, that's what originally they thought attachment was based off of like, who is feeding you? Right, right. I think more recent studies and things. It's more like who is paying attention to who Yes, when you're crying when you're, like freaking out because your bellies hurting, you're gassy or whatever, like, who is coming to soothe you give you attention? like are they coming to soothe you and give you attention?

27:51

That's what I was reading is it's more like even people who are fed by other people, the infant still pays more attention to who's responding to their emotions. It's kinda like Like oh creaming crying Well, I got late with June like she knows I'm feeding her. Right. But she doesn't like you because you're not attending to her needs.

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I am so she likes other daddies.

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She's gonna be out. So back to this. So both of you guys have recently been out of a relationship you can say broken up with Yeah, were you okay? Okay, so my question for you before we even get into this is you made a comment the beginning to say why I'm fucked up or you want to look up at like why but why are you blaming yourself? Is that part of this? Like, is that something that like, is the attachment theory like is it swing back around and go like why is all his fault? Why isn't the guy Why did you automatically Why Why did you try to like, why? Maybe you're attaching correctly, but he's attaching incorrectly? Oh,

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yeah. So no, that was kind of that falls into my test. Right?

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That's what I was trying to get out. Like, is that part

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of it? No. So like, apparently, from what I've read, what they say is like you're as an infant, you're dependent On this person for survival, right? Like, if they don't attend to you, if they don't come to your needs, they don't feed you, whatever, then you're like fighting for survival. And the closest relationship to that are romantic relationships. Because like, whoever you're going to partner up with, is going to be there for you through thick and thin. Like, if you're This is like, like, evolutionarily, these things, right? These things happen. So I'm anxious. So there's four major types, three, three major types and there's a four another one that's like, quick, like not crazy. I don't use the word crazy ever. Yeah, no, not crazy. It's all you know, based on again, it's like based off of what probably happened to you as a child, whether your needs were met or not like that will determine basically what your favorite it's not blaming your parents, you know, do what they can they do their best, but if they can't meet your needs that can affect what happens down the line.

29:56

Okay, well, the four attachment styles, I'm reading it right now is that secure attachment anxious and bivalent attachment. This is like roaches, ambivalent attachment, anxious avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment. Is there a good attachment or which ones that I would say secure? Okay, what is one good industry bad so like when children show the stress when caregiver leaves, the children are able to compose themselves. So these are kids who if the mom leaves a room or the caretaker, sorry, the caretaker leaves the room, the baby doesn't freak out. But how is that okay?

30:30

Yeah, like studies on this back in the 90s. And then they realized that kids that they did studies on mentally Yeah.

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Maybe we should have intervened? Yeah, no, they looked at these studies. And again, I'm not an expert, although we're gonna put you down for an expert. But yeah, no secure is like basically, if you cried, and you needed something, you were upset you were whatever you're reaching out for your caregiver. They came to you. They I kind of had this like, fifth son so six sons six

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by fifth census, okay, Karen from Mean Girls not I have eight senses.

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My ninth sense was telling me I'm in a third dimension,

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sixth sense about what their baby need six.

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They were able to sue their babies when they're, you know, freaking out or whatever. So that's like, what breeds a secure attachment. So these people, when their romantic relationships, they're open, they're honest, they can display love openly and be like I'm in love with you. But when you give me love back, I'm not going to be freaked out by it. I'm going to accept it. We're going to communicate well, when things get hard, I'm going to be there with you like these are, but you want to be from what I'm reading.

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And unfortunately, these attachments can go only one way. So like you might be attaching in your way but then that person is not responding in that way? Oh, they're an anxious type. Yeah, has there so you might be secure attachment, but they're like, anxious. It's not compatible, but I think it is. Oh, because I think if you have a secure attachment and an anxious attachment the secure type is going to give the anxious person security it would help but it won't really and that secure person doesn't give a shit because like I'm pretty much this is me and Michael I'm anxious and Michael secure. So like, if something goes wrong, I'm always wants, like, anxious about it or whatever. And he's, like, more secure when it comes to like our relationship and everything. Like I'm always like, you're gonna leave me and he's like, I'm here. Like, I probably I don't have like, I don't really have time to put too much.

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I think like every, every attachment style does the best with secure because those are the way they're gonna like, be like, Oh, I recognize what you're going through. There's something bad happening but I don't care. I'm going to be here with you. I'm going to figure out what you need to be more secure. And like they they say that if you're with like this All falls on a spectrum but whatever you're with anxious avoidant, whatever, you fall on a spectrum but if you're with someone who's secure can meet your needs and is helpful with that then you become more secure in return or what if someone's so secure that they're secure with multiple other people?

33:18

Oh well that's kinda like Bobby and Michael Michael secure with a lot yeah people I think it's so I brought misty in here as well because of the salt because I feel like when you break up with somebody like you reevaluate everything now do you have the same feeling as far as like I feel like it's my fault and like I need to figure myself out or is it is so I'm trying to figure out what your style might be compared to hers and sort of talk about it.

33:45

I can like Okay, here we go deal of rundown if you will. Okay, Sarah.

33:48

Sarah is here like PMS been

33:51

through some therapy?

33:54

word therapy. Oh,

33:56

so Okay, so anxious, which is what I definitely I don't know. With like these are people who as a as a baby your needs were intermittently met so it was like either your parents whoever caregiver was super super into you and all about you or then all of a sudden because of their own issues whatever whatever it was they were inconsistently available so anxious people they sound like a romantic sorry

34:22

sorry No I can read out the like it's I have okay so anxious has one has a sensitive nervous system to struggles communicating needs directly. Three tends to quote unquote act out when triggered, ie makes partner jealous.

34:37

That is so me.

34:40

Get super jealous and right. So then I'm like, Oh, well, I'm gonna make him jealous too. Or like, oh, like the whole act out thing is totally made.

34:49

You kind of like imagine issues not imagined but overreact and overthink issues that may or may not even be there because you're so afraid of being abandoned by your partner.

35:00

Okay, so that's anxious. What about, um, avoidant dismissive?

35:06

So my understanding avoidant is like they are so as babies they either have like their parents dismissed their feelings and emotions like they said suck, you're fine, you're fine get over it, whatever. So they their parents didn't allow them to have feelings or emotions or they were so focused on tending to their parents needs that like they had to just

35:32

repress their own so they wouldn't worry about their emotions. Their own self. Yeah. Oh, mommy sad so I'm gonna be strong for mommy because daddy's mean to mom.

35:39

Yeah.

35:41

So when they grow up and they're in a relationship, they're like, well, emotions don't really matter. Like, I want to be with you. They want to be attached to someone. They want to have a relationship. But as it gets too close, they start to push away. Devin, sorry, yeah, they're dead inside.

35:58

I was just gonna be like, that's the Me, but I'm glad I did. It's

36:01

not dead inside.

36:05

But when it gets too close that's like scary feelings are scary. So they shut down. They can't express emotions. Well, if things are getting too close, they'll pull away. They might run away. They might break off releasing you.

36:17

Well, let me read the one. Yeah, so there's two avoidance there's avoidant, dismissive and avoidant fearful. So the dismissive one is one downplays importance of relationships. Two is usually extremely self reliant. Three can become more vulnerable when there is a big crisis. So that's the dismissive one. Now there's a fearful one that says border pendant and relationships and avoidant dismissive and it says strongly fears rejection, has low self esteem has high anxiety in relationships. That's actually is that fearful way it says that, that might be me. I thought there were four total in one hour There are there five so I'm reading this. Now there's four.

36:56

Okay, I think we had security and then we needed to

36:59

choose separate category. Oh, okay.

37:02

That's why I think it's all in a spectrum. So like people, I'm sure

37:06

everybody has

37:08

that fearful one is 100% me Actually I'm not even I don't know if you're the anxious one has high anxiety in relationships, strong fear I have. I fear rejection or fearful. Yeah. more dependent on relationships and avoid. Yeah, I mean, I'm dependent. You are totally dependent on me sound like you?

37:25

I am 100% avoidant, dismissive. Okay. Yeah. And, like my family was, like, I can think of specific situations in my childhood when my family would just dismiss

37:37

and be like, you're fine. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. How does that make you feel like no, like, how did that how did that affect your relationship? I guess.

37:45

I don't know what he was. So I dated a straight male who

37:52

I think was secure. But

37:56

I think also had some insecurities. But overall when we're talking about attachment style, I think you described him as secure. So he because he had been very much loved as a child, which you can tell just from meaning his family. Um, I think I was very non emotional for him. cause some problems Yeah.

38:14

So when when so I'm just going to talk about this so you're anxious when you when you broke up you probably were more anxious. Were you like I'm done. Fuck it. I'm leaving. I'm done. Like were you more or less like you just shut down all the emotion?

38:27

I haven't Yes, I stopped talking to that person once I found out that there was infidelity.

38:33

Okay, that same day and you like cut it? That's it? I'm done.

38:35

Yeah. Which I think is very much part of that avoidant, dismissive.

38:39

So does it ever come back up later? Like or do you just like, totally throw it away? I mean, I'm sure you have that makes you sound like you're like, Do you even have any feelings? But like, I mean, I'm just curious because I'm not that.

38:52

I think I compartmentalize my feelings really well. I picked a job where I need to compartmentalize my My feelings very well I work in the medical field as well in a job where I see a lot of death, unfortunately. So I, I deal with it by sort of shoving those feelings down I think probably being avoidant dismissive helps that so I think it helped with that situation as well with my significant other. But yeah, this mama did therapy to