0:00

Hello, it's Ed Gamble here from the Off

0:02

Menu podcast that you're listening to right now. I'm

0:04

here to tell you that I am on tour.

0:06

UK and Ireland tour. Hot Diggity Dog is the

0:09

name of the show. Starting on

0:11

March the 12th, going all over to

0:13

lots of places. Go to edgamble.co.uk to

0:15

buy tickets for what I believe is

0:17

a very funny show. We'll have a

0:19

nice time. See you there. Bye. Thank

0:23

you, James. Welcome

0:27

to your daily affirmations. Repeat

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after me, working with others

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is easier than ever. I

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strive for perfect collaboration. Our

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teamwork keeps getting better. Yeah,

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monday.com. So,

1:12

it's time for another bonus Off

1:15

Menu live tour show release, James.

1:17

Very exciting, this one. The first

1:19

night of our double,

1:22

I mean, someone could call it a residency. Yes,

1:24

a two-night residency at the Royal Albert Hall from

1:26

the 9th of October, 2023. Just to remind you,

1:29

if you didn't listen last week, there

1:31

will be callbacks in this show to things that happened

1:33

in the first half, and we asked the audience their

1:35

dream menu. Don't worry about that. It

1:37

just means you won't understand that joke, but

1:40

there's some great stuff in there. Yeah, and our

1:42

delivery is so good, it'll probably be funny anyway.

1:44

Yeah, you'll probably chuckle anyway, to be honest, knowing

1:46

you guys. The secret ingredient was

1:48

runner beans. Did we say it was Ellis James?

1:50

Nah, I don't, I hate that guy. I'm not

1:52

gonna mention his name again. You shouldn't really mention

1:54

it was Ellis James. He's a rival podcaster. He

1:57

has about a billion podcasts out there. All of

1:59

them are awful. in a lot

2:01

of podcasts about things he's not qualified to speak

2:03

about. So let's hear the

2:05

live off menu from the Royal Aboriginal

2:08

Winter List It

2:27

made perfect sense. That is Ed Gamble, my name is

2:29

James A. Chester. We own a dream restaurant

2:48

in every single week. We invite in a guest

2:50

and we ask them if they ever start a

2:52

main course, dessert, side dish and drink. Not in

2:54

that order. And this week our guest is... Alex

2:58

James! What?

3:04

You're just laughing to yourself at saying, I guess Alex James

3:06

are in the Royal Albert Hall. Really

3:08

funny, man. Really

3:11

funny. Me, you and Alex, the Royal

3:13

Albert Hall, so much to ask him.

3:15

We've known him for a long time

3:17

and I'm quite looking forward to it.

3:19

It's going to be a fun one. So let's crack on

3:22

without further ado. This is the off menu menu of Alex

3:24

James. Here we go. James? What are you doing? Yep, yeah, sorry. So

3:49

we all know that James has a genie in this,

3:51

never discussed why. So there's

3:54

a genie in that lamp now, so we're going to have to

3:56

get the genie out. I can't be able to

3:58

get up and rob the lamp. you

4:00

all need to imagine rubbing it. Imagine

4:02

rubbing it with your mind hands. Imagine

4:04

rubbing the lamp. Something might happen. Oh

4:07

just... oh... Oh

4:11

where is he? Where's the seat? Rub, rub, rub.

4:18

Welcome, Alice Jane, to

4:20

the Dream Nest Glamour. But expect to give her

4:22

some time. Oh

4:24

there we are. That's where the money went. We're

4:28

selling this entire set to Panto straight after

4:30

the tour. It feels a little bit like

4:32

I'm in a rude Panto. You

4:35

know the rude ones that Jim Davidson does that are

4:37

called things like boobs in the wood. Boobs in the

4:39

wood, yeah. Jim Davidson,

4:41

man. One day we'll get to his heights,

4:43

man. He's another

4:46

respectable guy. Alice, are you

4:48

a foodie? I wouldn't say I'm

4:50

a foodie. I would say I'm...

4:53

Thank you. I would

4:55

say I'm a very, very enthusiastic eater

4:57

of food. Yeah. What's the difference, do

5:00

you think, between those two things? Well

5:02

I don't cook elaborate dishes, but

5:04

if you cook me an elaborate dish I will eat

5:07

it and I will love you for it. But

5:09

the enthusiasm... The intensity with which you look to

5:12

me there. And I would love

5:14

you for it. But I think

5:16

the enthusiasm can occasionally be quite

5:18

irritating. I remember in the first couple

5:20

of weeks of lockdown, Izzy was...

5:22

She was down. She was anxious. She

5:25

was pissed off, especially in the morning.

5:27

His wife. And after about... Yeah.

5:30

Yeah. And

5:32

after about 14 days,

5:35

I thought, I need to broach this. And I was like, what is

5:37

it? Is it what's happening to our careers?

5:39

Is it the fact there's a global pandemic and we

5:41

don't know what's causing this thing? And she went, no,

5:44

no, it's not that. It's when

5:46

you eat wheatabix... You

5:50

don't realise you do it, do you? And I said,

5:52

what do you mean? She went, you don't know you

5:54

do this thing. And I said, what? She went, when

5:56

you eat wheatabix with every

5:58

fucking mouthful... You

6:01

say? Mmm yeah. The

6:12

fact that it's fucking wheat a bit as well. So

6:15

it's like... Mmm yeah. What

6:18

do you have on your wheat a bit? Plain. Plain.

6:22

Oh, a bit of milk. I'm

6:24

trying to cut down on sugar. But

6:27

I really... I've switched over to porridge now. And what

6:29

do you say when you're eating porridge? Yap

6:32

I dab I do. Oh,

6:35

but sometimes at night I will think to myself

6:37

less than eight hours to go. And

6:42

it's porridge time. I bloody love it. She

6:46

used to say as well, and when

6:48

you pour squash into a pint glass... Oh

6:50

yeah. You sort of go... Because

6:55

you can't wait. And you

6:58

don't seem to be bothered by this pandemic, but I am. Because

7:02

for you it's just more wheat a bit than squash time. The

7:06

little detail in that story that after two weeks you

7:08

asked your wife what was wrong. Alright,

7:12

what is it? The global pandemic is it? I

7:17

just thought it was general

7:19

worry about the pandemic. It means a very

7:21

specific thing. And

7:24

then... You're still not understanding what

7:26

I'm saying. No, no. I'm

7:28

saying it's mad to leave it two weeks before you

7:30

check for your partner's okay and what's wrong with that.

7:34

You don't understand. I thought it

7:36

was general worry. So

7:38

I left it and checked. Yeah,

7:42

we were talking about general worries a lot. But

7:45

that wasn't the headline. The headline

7:47

act. Was

7:49

me going... Every time

7:51

I... But the fact

7:53

is, if you've said... Every

7:56

time you have a mouth for wheat a bit. For

7:59

as long as you... lived. It's

8:02

a really hard habit to go for as long

8:04

as you've lived. Were you aware that

8:06

you did it before it was pointed out

8:08

to you? No. So then, next morning, having

8:10

had the chat, I've got the spoon. I

8:12

was fucking trembling. I was like, I

8:15

can't say it, man. You can't say

8:18

it. She's going to lose her fucking mind if you say

8:20

it. No matter how much

8:22

you're enjoying the sweet debates, you've got to

8:24

pretend it's a normal cereal, man. She

8:27

is on the edge.

8:30

So then I'd have her mouth full, I'd be like, oh.

8:32

You pretend

8:35

it's a normal cereal. Not a fancy, tasty one

8:38

like with a big... I said this

8:42

is just a normal boring cereal. Just a normal

8:44

boring cereal, and I like them all, but

8:48

Weetabix, at the time... Is

8:50

that at the top for you, Weetabix?

8:52

No, I would say historically special K.

8:54

What? How

8:58

do you think I'm bikini beach body

9:00

ready, Ed? Just bowl

9:02

after bowl of special K. I

9:05

mean, a long time ago, Cocoa

9:07

Pops. But Cocoa

9:09

Pops, sugar's had a bad press over the last

9:11

60 years, so I've

9:14

tried to quite radically change the way

9:16

I eat over the last... But

9:18

you had a lot of Cocoa Pops back in the

9:20

day. Oh, I mean up to about... Up

9:23

to about the sort of end of Britpop. Cocoa

9:31

Britpop, famously. Sorry,

9:33

I'm sick. Why is that like that? No,

9:37

no, I keep saying that. I just have a really

9:39

good time. But

9:42

it's like, who wants T4? Would

9:48

you ever have brown flakes with Baileys?

9:50

A big fun of brown flakes. Yeah,

9:52

of course. With Baileys. Yeah, yeah, someone

9:54

here. That's what the dream meal

9:56

is. No, I used to eat over

9:59

the summer holidays. Brantflakes, Weetabix,

10:01

All-Bran and Cockapops in the same

10:03

bowl. Hang on, all

10:05

in the same bowl? All in the same bowl. Did

10:07

you have a name for that cereal? Yeah, Cereal Time.

10:13

All-Bran, Weetabix and

10:15

Brantflakes, you say? And Cockapops. Oh, and Cockapops, so that's like

10:17

the fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to do it with

10:19

my cousin. And then...

10:25

Good to know what clips we're going to get out for the trailer of

10:27

this episode. I've

10:29

thought a lot about

10:32

my choices, and I've realised how much the

10:34

way I eat has changed. Because

10:36

I don't... It's no

10:38

disrespect to my mother, but we

10:40

used to have the same meal on every night.

10:42

There was a roaster, like a 17 roaster. I

10:46

remember this. I remember you had a routine

10:48

about it. Yes. And if you are

10:50

going to list the foods that you had... Yeah. Then I would

10:52

like you to do it in the way that you did it

10:54

in the routine years ago, which was you did it like a

10:56

Top of the Pops run down. Yes. Yes,

10:59

I've forgotten about that. Monday night chicken tonight. Yeah, but

11:01

after this isn't how you did it, is it? You

11:03

went... You went... Duh

11:05

duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh

11:07

duh duh. It's Friday night, and it's... That's

11:09

why you did it. I think... I've been

11:11

like, chicken tonight? Well, were you lucky because you're

11:13

having it tonight? It's Monday night, and it's always chicken

11:15

tonight. Yeah.

11:18

Thursday night was pizza because my

11:20

mother had aerobics. So

11:23

you need something quick. Friday night, obviously, fish.

11:26

And so then when I went to university, I was... I

11:29

was exposed to new tastes. What

11:32

was the first new taste you were exposed to at

11:34

university? Black pepper. Wow,

11:41

Wendy. Where were

11:43

you going to university? Deadly? This is incredible.

11:48

I lived with a girl called Caroline,

11:50

who'd been privately educated. She

11:55

was a really good cook. She liked to cook. And

11:58

I lived with her in that lovely girl. second

12:00

and third year and her boyfriend Chris and she

12:02

used to love to cook she introduced me to

12:04

risotto that was great she

12:07

also introduced me to coriander wow

12:09

yeah she made a carrot and coriander

12:11

soup and I was so overwhelmed by

12:14

it and at the end of the

12:16

bowl I kissed her on the cheek

12:23

I said thank you

12:27

what the fuck was that she

12:30

was like kiss carrot and coriander soup and

12:32

I was like well I'm now I'm gonna

12:34

eat it every day for the rest of

12:36

my life so we always start

12:38

with um still a sparkling water Ellis still

12:42

yeah when

12:44

you've had lemonade which

12:49

I imagine for you what was that post-grad

12:51

thing oh yeah when

12:59

you've had lemonade yeah sparkling

13:01

water is so

13:03

profoundly disappointing because

13:06

it's got it's got the same mouth feel as

13:09

lemonade yeah it tastes like lemonade that's gone off

13:13

and I've never really been able to get over how disappointing

13:15

that is so and it

13:17

kind of drives your mouth out as well it's

13:19

not even a first quenching drink

13:21

yeah I don't really trust people who

13:23

like sparkling water actually I kind of

13:25

think what's your game especially

13:28

someone not sure there's a lot of people here

13:31

who seem to be like saying what they've been

13:33

thinking all their lives and they're quite worried about

13:35

this I'm a kind of man of the people

13:37

really yeah yeah

13:40

and I think that still water out of

13:42

a glass bottle just feels

13:44

classy you know when you say yeah

13:47

this is this is

13:49

living yeah that

13:51

goes the man of the people yeah yeah and it feels

13:53

it feels really heavy and you're like

13:55

yeah I'm in a top top restaurant here you

13:57

know you get you give yourself away in the

13:59

top top restaurant when you're sat there just

14:01

going whoa who do you

14:04

feel like when you say

14:08

it feels classic what are you imagining when you've got

14:10

the bottle of sparkling water what great figures in history

14:12

do you feel oh no no no it's still

14:15

water in a glass bottle is what

14:17

feels sparkling water can get fucked I

14:19

don't care that still water in a

14:21

glass like still water in

14:24

a glass bottle plus the bottle is fine

14:26

I love tap make a saving yeah but

14:29

when they do occasionally you'll you'll order still

14:31

water and then they'll bring it in a

14:33

glass bottle and they're charging you and that's

14:36

quite annoying but still if it's a

14:38

glass bottle I think I'm

14:40

earning that's alright that's

14:42

okay I just yeah

14:44

it's very first punch

14:47

lovely does easy like it when you have

14:49

a glass bottle of still water

14:51

does that annoy her as well when you're

14:53

going around going no it's classic I think

14:55

with every mouthful I think I've had to

14:57

dial down my general enthusiasm for that kind

14:59

of thing because it's sort of charming for

15:01

the first hour you know someone and then

15:03

it becomes great in quite quickly so I've

15:06

learned that over the last 42 years

15:09

of my life so yeah

15:11

where did he tonight

15:14

she is doing a gig but fun fact I was meant

15:16

to do that I pulled in order to do this but

15:21

I'll be doing a show with with your partner

15:24

and then you got off of this

15:26

and you immediately dumped her yeah I'm

15:28

what she bought along to the show

15:30

to represent you as we speak across

15:32

London four pairs of

15:34

my torn pants that

15:36

I haven't thrown out and I don't

15:39

really wear unless it's a real emergency

15:41

hmm but for some reason I

15:43

don't know what it is about my physiology that

15:45

does this my pants tend

15:47

to tear in the sort of gusset area

15:49

yeah but they look like

15:51

they've been slashed up by a kind of like

15:55

a tiger or a bear or something yeah

15:57

so they're gonna be on a table representing

16:00

because I did pull out the gig to do this

16:02

because I quite fancy doing the art. Why do you

16:04

keep them? Well, yeah, that's the question. Why

16:06

do you keep them? Well,

16:10

I mean, in the 80s. What?

16:12

People used to be

16:15

in Santa's Dusters. Do you remember this? No?

16:18

Anyone else remember that? I

16:21

think there's one person over there who remembers it and I kind

16:23

of think, yeah, every now and then I'll get the Mr Sheen

16:25

out. Did

16:28

you use those those pants as Dusters? No,

16:30

I don't do any dusting, but when I get into

16:32

dusting, the pants

16:34

are ready. Pop those up

16:36

red! Pop those up red, Alice J! Pop those up red!

16:45

In an Indian restaurant, pop

16:47

donks. In any other

16:49

kind of restaurant, it has to be bread,

16:52

isn't it? I

16:54

know that's not the question, but this is my dream

16:56

restaurant and I will say what I want. You get

16:58

heckled. You get heckled by people on the front. So

17:01

it's got to be bread. Yeah. And

17:03

it's got to be crusty French

17:06

bread that is so crusty, it

17:08

makes people laugh out loud when they bite into it.

17:12

What? That a thing? That

17:14

a thing? I'm crusty that people laugh out loud when they

17:16

bite into it. Yeah, but you make some

17:19

weird fucking noises when you eat anything. Yeah. You

17:22

should see me eating chocolate is. I

17:25

mean, I'm really trying

17:28

to eat less sugar and

17:30

I will go for weeks without eating any

17:32

chocolate at all. And then there'll be there'll

17:34

be a set of circumstances that means there's chocolate in

17:37

the house or cakes. And I like it. My daughter's

17:39

birthday last week and a

17:41

birthday cake was made. And

17:44

I mean, my God, it's

17:46

like it's mid-dive and

17:48

I'm eating it over the sink. It's

17:53

kind of woods and animal noise. What's

18:01

going on down there? Nothing, nothing, nothing! What's

18:07

your sort of body position while you're eating this? Where

18:09

are you? I'm punched. Lights

18:12

off. Like,

18:15

I was doing a gig and someone brought

18:17

Tony's Chocoloni to the stage

18:20

door. I

18:23

was like a hostage. It is about 15 seconds

18:26

in the corner away

18:29

from everyone else so I don't have

18:31

to share it. It's really, really sad.

18:33

So yeah, I make noises.

18:35

I'm not going to apologize. Should you laugh

18:37

when you have the crusty French bread? If

18:39

it's really crusty, you'll go. Yeah.

18:42

You'll laugh to yourself. What's making you laugh?

18:44

The taste of just how... Is it so crusty

18:46

that you think this is hilarious how crusty

18:48

it is? Just the audacity

18:51

of the crust. You're

18:54

like... Oh,

18:58

these guys bloody thinking. This

19:03

is mad. That.

19:06

How much crust would there have to be for

19:08

you to stop laughing? Yeah. But

19:11

how long would the crust go on for if you go... Oh.

19:16

French bread the day after. If

19:18

anything, I'm solemn. Because

19:21

it's quite chewy then and you're like off. And

19:24

this is disappointing, isn't it? But

19:26

when it's straight out the oven, when it's warm,

19:28

and it's crusty...

19:31

You're laughing, imagining it, aren't you? This

19:34

isn't an act, by the way. Before

19:37

we came on tonight in the dressing room, we

19:39

just got... We ordered some sushi and

19:41

Ed and I would have eaten our sushi and Ellis

19:43

was eating it going... So

19:45

happy. Look

19:48

at that. Well, that's

19:50

always... He

19:55

kept clapping his hands and rubbing them together. Yeah.

19:59

All the time. and do this. Yeah.

20:02

I'm happy. It's nice man.

20:05

Butter? No. What's

20:07

in the way, if anything? Yeah!

20:13

What an odd podcast you've created. Yeah.

20:18

Boo! The old boo... Oh! Yeah,

20:21

that fucking... That deserves a boo. Butter gets in the

20:23

way of bread. Erm, no, I

20:25

mean... There's one person

20:27

here, when we knew, that's quite exciting.

20:29

But the superb on toast. You know

20:32

toast is bread, right? Yeah, yeah, but it's... Yeah,

20:35

but like, I'm not tossed in the French

20:38

bread. It's straight out of the packet. Packet?

20:40

Yeah. Cool. Alright,

20:43

yeah. It's

20:45

the 80s then. Oh, is it one of those part

20:47

baked ones that you put? No, no,

20:49

no, no. It's just from a packet from Tesco. I'm

20:51

eating it in a trolley. It's 1983. I'm young. So

20:55

you know this is your dream meal, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You

20:57

could be in France. You could

20:59

get this from a Boulangerie in France, but you're

21:01

having it from a 1983 Tesco. The

21:06

French bread. Do you

21:08

know what? Going abroad haven't occurred to me,

21:10

actually, when it came. Yeah.

21:14

See your dream. When it came to the dream restaurant.

21:16

But going back in time did. I

21:22

would say this about you, and that is

21:25

absolutely true about you, but you prefer the

21:27

past to foreign travel. Yeah. You

21:30

say that. It's like the first time I

21:32

tried Nutella. I remember. I remember. I

21:35

was on an 8th note. 40th

21:37

birthday. He

21:40

said, try some of this.

21:45

Who said this to you? Who said this to you?

21:48

It would have been my friend, Rien Lenny. And

21:50

he said, try some of this, man. And

21:52

I said, what is it? He said it's a chocolate

21:55

spread. We discovered it in Eton.

21:57

Yeah, no, no. I had it on a spoon. I

22:00

was like, where's this from? And he said, France. I

22:02

remember thinking, I have got to travel

22:04

more. This

22:11

is, this is mad chocolate on

22:13

toast. But

22:17

you're right. And to be honest, you're

22:19

doing two nights, aren't you? Yeah. I

22:21

think I need to come back tomorrow

22:23

night with some quite radically different choices.

22:25

Because it had occurred to me that

22:27

obviously I could, I could travel. Yeah,

22:30

shit, shit. But

22:32

you don't want butter. You still don't

22:34

want butter on it. No, it just,

22:36

it makes, it makes the French bread

22:38

sort of slimy. So I want slimy.

22:40

Yeah. I, I just,

22:43

I want to taste the bread. When you were a

22:45

kid, you used to put your hand into it and

22:47

take the dough out and then it was just leaving the crust. But

22:50

then what have you got to laugh at? If you're not eating it.

22:52

Yeah. You're just eating the inside. You're

22:57

saving the last to the end then. Oh yeah.

22:59

Hold on. Absolutely

23:01

losing your mind at the end. Just eating

23:03

the crust. So do you eat all the

23:05

dough? You're like miserable eating all the dough.

23:07

Yeah. And then just fucking pissing yourself in

23:10

the crust. Floating on the ceiling like Mary

23:12

Poppins laughing. No,

23:14

no, no. The dough is good, but they're

23:16

kind of two different things, aren't they?

23:18

Yeah. Different experiences. So

23:20

I would, I would save that for

23:22

different moods, different vibes. So

23:25

I would eat the dough in

23:27

the trolley. What? When

23:30

I was being pushed around the trolley. I'm sorry.

23:32

You're, so you've not just gone

23:34

back in time. You are the age you were

23:36

then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sitting in the

23:38

trolley. Alice, why did you think this wasn't information

23:40

we needed? So

23:43

you're a little boy into Marvin. You're sat

23:45

in the trolley as your mother pushes you

23:47

around Tesco's in the 80s. Yeah.

23:49

And as you're being pushed around, you're

23:51

reaching your arm, which is probably not

23:53

even as deep as the I

23:56

can get about halfway done. Yeah. Inside and

23:58

you're pulling out the white. doughy

24:01

insides and eating them. And then we get

24:03

to the till and my mother apologizes and

24:05

says, don't worry, I can pay for it.

24:07

Yeah. And then

24:09

flash forward to being at the Royal Albert

24:12

Hall in 2023, and I'm thinking, fuck,

24:14

why haven't I gone to New York with my

24:16

choices? But

24:19

you want to be that age, eating the inside with

24:21

your arm, and then go home and eat just the

24:23

crust and laugh your head off. Because that's the happiest

24:26

of being eating bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

24:28

think it's never really been that good since,

24:31

I don't think. Great. Yeah, it's

24:33

not one we've had before. No, we haven't

24:35

had that before, funnily enough. Are your dream

24:37

starter, Ellis? This is your menu proper now.

24:39

We get to know the real Ellis James.

24:41

Right then. Well, he's bought notes. Because

24:45

the way I've eaten has changed quite radically.

24:48

I'll give you what I'm going to

24:50

choose now, and then I will

24:53

talk to you about some of the things that didn't make the cut. To

24:56

be honest, tell the story of the real

24:58

me. Unbelievable mention. My

25:01

dream starter is salmon

25:03

sushi meat with ginger. Now, the ginger

25:05

thing we should probably explore. Yeah, before

25:07

we move on, let's talk about ginger.

25:09

Because when we ordered the sushi pre-show,

25:13

after we'd made a delivery order, you

25:16

got unhappy for the first time. We hadn't seen

25:18

you unhappy. And you were like,

25:20

oh, shit. We

25:23

didn't order ginger. And he went, can I

25:25

have all the ginger, please, guys? And

25:27

you started pleading with us. James

25:29

really had to turn Carmen down, because he was

25:31

head in hands. Yeah. I went to order extra

25:33

ginger. And I had to say, don't worry, Ellis.

25:35

I remember that you liked ginger, because I bumped

25:37

into you once at Paddington train station, and you

25:39

were eating the wasabi takeaway. And

25:41

you were going on at me about how you

25:44

loved the pickled ginger. Yeah. So I knew that

25:46

you liked that anyway. So we'll save it all

25:48

for you. And then when it arrived, you were,

25:50

I think you checked about three or four times.

25:53

Please, guys, don't eat any of the pickled ginger. I

25:55

really want to. So

25:58

when you're really freaked out. about it when it was

26:00

on its way and it was too late. James

26:02

had to really just say, there will be plenty of

26:05

ginger, we've ordered quite a lot of sushi. And you

26:07

went, ugh, can I

26:09

have all of it? Yeah. Because

26:14

there is no such thing as enough. Like

26:18

when I go to Wasabi, I will order

26:20

maybe 25 packets

26:22

of the little ginger. What? Yeah,

26:25

easy. But you know what it's

26:27

for? You know it's like a palate cleanser in between.

26:29

I don't care what it's for mate. Addicts

26:34

don't care what it's for. I

26:38

think half of those ginger packets are the cleanser palate in

26:40

between the other packets of ginger, right? That's for you. Yeah,

26:43

so when there was a Japanese restaurant

26:45

near us that closed down suddenly, and

26:47

on the last day they were open, the

26:50

guy wound it in his van, drove down

26:53

with all of the ginger they never got

26:55

round to using. Kilograms of the stuff. And

26:58

said, I've never met a guy who likes ginger as

27:00

much in my life. Please

27:02

take it. We had kilograms of it in

27:04

the fridge because I will eat

27:06

it first in the morning at

27:08

lunchtime. So there's nothing I will eat it

27:11

with. So he knew as soon

27:13

as they shut down, he was like,

27:15

all that ginger's going to that guy's house.

27:17

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You already had a

27:20

reputation for liking ginger too much. I

27:22

would go and pick up a takeaway, and

27:24

as I would walk in, he would say,

27:26

don't worry, we've got it. What

27:32

sort of things do you say when you're eating the

27:34

ginger? Do you have a little catchphrase for the ginger?

27:37

She has. A chilling kind of silent. But

27:41

you didn't always, like there was a time

27:43

when you didn't eat anything like that because

27:45

you had to do an actual like deliberate

27:48

project to make yourself like that stuff,

27:50

right? I had a very, very childlike

27:54

palette until I was

27:56

about 35 and then on. On

28:00

the radio show I do a John Robbins

28:02

because he really really loves... Oh

28:05

that's depressing. That's

28:10

good man, that's 4 in 5000. Across

28:13

the UK that amounts to a lot of people. Well

28:16

he loves spicy food and I never saw the appeal

28:19

of it. Because I thought why

28:21

would you want to eat food that hurts? Like

28:23

what's the point? What is math? You're

28:25

the one laughing at crusts mate. So

28:29

he said no no genuinely. Once

28:31

you get past the stage of it

28:33

being unpleasant it's... You

28:36

become euphoric and I now, as someone

28:39

who now likes spicy food, there are

28:41

certain curries that make me feel euphoria. So

28:48

I had such a bland palate I had

28:50

to start off with ginger biscuits. And

28:55

then I moved on to English mustard. That's

28:57

a big jump. It

29:00

is. I had experience of English

29:02

mustard before. I'd had it on ham. I've

29:08

been asking students in France passing around a

29:10

pot of English mustard. Where does this come

29:12

from? A place called England. Where

29:15

are you to travel more? And then I started

29:19

buying the weakest chilies in Tesco

29:22

and then putting them on salads and things. And

29:24

then I got Project Spiced. It took

29:26

about nine months. I got as far as Vindaloo.

29:28

Just slipping in there that is called Project Spiced. I haven't mentioned that

29:30

yet. Yeah, not much from that. So I got

29:33

as far as Vindaloo and

29:35

now I've dialled it down to

29:37

sort of Madras. Watch I'll

29:40

phrase the if I'm in an Indian restaurant. And

29:42

that's when you're euphoric. There's

29:45

a mustard, a prawn

29:47

mustard malai curry. And

29:49

it's not hugely spicy. It's probably less spicy than

29:51

Madras. But the euphoria

29:54

from that has lasted on occasion

29:56

three days. I'll

30:02

be walking along and I'll just like have

30:05

a flashback to how much I enjoyed the

30:07

curry and then I'll give it a quick

30:09

round of applause and

30:12

then on I go. So the pickled

30:14

ginger was part of Project Space and I

30:16

just fell in love with it and my

30:19

God, what a meal. It's

30:21

your favourite thing. So this is your

30:23

starter but you don't think it represents

30:25

who you are necessarily? Salmon sashimi with

30:27

pickled ginger. I thought for a long

30:29

time about BBQ spare

30:31

ribs from a Chinese restaurant because

30:34

that is one of those meals that when the spare

30:36

ribs come out you're like, we're having a good time

30:38

now. But you have said

30:40

that about every food we talked about so far. I

30:44

love rocket so I was thinking of

30:47

like rocket and grand padano cheese

30:49

maybe. Just rocket? I

30:52

love rocket. Yeah, I never understand.

30:54

But to be honest, love

31:00

rocket sounds like a name for a dick. What

31:04

I really want as much as I like sashimi,

31:07

salmon sashimi and ginger, what I really want

31:09

is like a big plate of sausages. But

31:18

for the table, that's it. You

31:22

came alive when you said that. Fuck

31:24

this salmon sashimi bullshit. Big plate of

31:26

sausages. You clearly want a big plate

31:28

of sausages. Have you ever been to

31:30

Betty's Tea Rooms in Yorkshire? I've never

31:33

been. You've never been? Have

31:35

you ever been? In

31:38

where? In there's four of them. I

31:40

think it was one in Harrogate or something. Yeah, I

31:42

think it was a Harrogate one. There's one in Ilkley,

31:44

North-Alfreton. I can't remember. York maybe? York,

31:46

right. They're all in Yorkshire. They're all

31:48

in Yorkshire. Yeah, that's accounting. Big

31:51

fan of your pudding in Yorkshire. It's

31:53

like a... Not everyone is. It's like

31:55

a... It's a... It's

32:00

a 45 minute wait to get in.

32:02

Yeah. And it's been here since about

32:05

1911, so the waiters and waitresses are

32:07

dressed like it's just before the First World War.

32:09

They really love it, obviously. Yeah. Absolutely. Biting up

32:11

for the party. You're dressed as a baby, skipping

32:13

the little alabaga. I

32:17

was there the weekend. And

32:19

my daughter had sausage beans and chips,

32:21

so I finished her sausages. But

32:23

could she have finished? I mean, I wasn't... Look

32:27

over there. Yoink. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like...

32:29

Well, I paid for them, so technically they're mine.

32:32

Listen to that. But they were

32:34

really nice sausages. And after the

32:36

second or third bite, I just thought to

32:38

myself, why am I not eating these three

32:40

times a day, every day? And

32:43

then I thought, alright then, I'll mention that for

32:45

my starter. A big plate of sausages. A big

32:47

plate of sausages. So what kind of sausages are

32:49

these? There's a lot of different types of sausages.

32:52

But are these bog-standard, straightforward bangers? Er,

32:54

bog-standard sausages. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I

32:56

don't... Like, I will eat a sort of

32:58

pork and leek, but really it's

33:01

like a Cumberland sausage. Yeah.

33:03

The kind you would buy in a newsagent.

33:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Newsagent

33:12

sausages. But they're... Cooked

33:16

to perfection. Oh, yeah. It's

33:18

a dark brown, like in... Like

33:20

in Feynman's sound. You

33:25

know when Elvis is burning the sausages?

33:28

Yeah, yeah. Just before the point he's

33:30

at. Yeah. There.

33:34

Those are the sausages I want on a big plate, but

33:36

it's for the table. And do you

33:38

want any sausages that get in the way of the sausages? Er,

33:42

ketchup. You've got... Erm, yeah.

33:44

So ketchup, but... Did you say Feynman

33:47

Sam was making them? Or did I

33:49

mis-hear that? In the

33:52

original opening credit, original

33:54

opening titles, Elvis, who's

33:56

very bad at cooking, is trying

33:58

to fry some sausages. and he's burnt

34:00

them. But he's actually

34:02

not burnt them drastically.

34:04

He's not far off. Yeah.

34:09

So I think to myself, he's actually a minute

34:12

less and he's basically made perfect sausages

34:14

there. So I

34:16

want a minute less than Elvis and Fireman

34:18

Sam sausages for the table. Do

34:21

you want Elvis to cook them? Elvis doesn't.

34:26

Do you want Elvis and Fireman Sam to cook them?

34:28

For the drink? He'll fuck them up, won't

34:30

he? So... I

34:33

want him to be there. So he

34:35

can learn. But then for someone with a steady hand on

34:37

the tiller to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, now

34:40

is the take them off now. Was

34:42

your daughter excited that you were doing this podcast? Oh,

34:46

yeah. I forgot about this. I

34:49

told her yesterday. How old's your

34:52

daughter? She's nine. I said, I'm

34:54

doing quite a big show tomorrow

34:56

night. Do you know her? I

34:59

said, yeah, I'm doing

35:01

a live podcast with Ed Gumbel

35:03

and James Acaster. And she went,

35:05

Ed Gumbel? I

35:10

said, and she's met James lots of

35:12

times, right? But I don't

35:14

know, she's met... No, not properly, no. She

35:17

went, Ed Gumbel? And

35:20

I said, yeah, she went Ed Gumbel.

35:23

I said, yeah, she went, oh, my God. Everyone

35:26

at Brownies has got a crush on Ed Gumbel. CHEERING

35:36

Everyone at Brownies. I

35:39

said... I said, I

35:42

said, what about James Acaster? She went,

35:44

oh, he's been mentioned. LAUGHTER Well,

35:48

you didn't tell us that, are you? LAUGHTER He's

35:51

been mentioned. Good to know I'm in the conversation,

35:53

yeah. I'm in the

35:55

conversation, because she went on a Brownie camp, but her

35:58

tent flooded, so she... She

36:00

was put in with much, much older brownies. Yeah.

36:03

And they just talked about, she said it was

36:05

boring, they just talked about sex and crushes and

36:07

head gamble. I

36:14

love that you said they were much older brownies,

36:16

as if that makes it any better. Don't

36:19

worry, they were much older brownies. But

36:25

you're part of the conversation, Jim. Yeah.

36:28

You were absolutely part of the conversation. I'm part of

36:30

the conversation, yeah. They're talking about it when they're waiting

36:32

for their attention to be put back up. Yeah, I

36:34

don't. Anyone here pass you James, I guess. That's

36:37

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37:12

period. Would

37:17

you read back course, Elvis, because my

37:19

ego can't take any more of this. Consider

37:24

chicken madras. Considered

37:26

the prawn mustard malay curry that

37:28

makes me feel euphoric for three

37:31

days. But

37:33

I've actually considered bolognese. Fortunately,

37:38

bolognese is nice. Not other

37:41

people are saying this. It's

37:43

a good dish. But then if we're looking at the

37:45

menu as a whole, you've come on and

37:47

said, oh, I'm doing great with

37:49

food now. I eat better food now. And your

37:51

menu so far would be a plate of sausages

37:53

and spaghetti bolognese. Plus,

37:55

you can't choose something that you've only been

37:58

eating for a week. We discovered it. recently.

38:00

The menu makes no sense at all.

38:02

That's fine. As a main

38:04

I've gone sea bass with

38:09

steamed vegetables and

38:12

steamed greens in fact and

38:14

dauphinoise potatoes because I'd steak

38:18

and dauphinoise potatoes in a place

38:20

in Crystal Bollies and

38:22

at the end I shook hands with the weight

38:24

to the test. That

38:28

is literally the best thing I've ever eaten in

38:31

my life. I think he

38:33

thought I was taking a piss by just, I

38:35

genuinely was. Was that the

38:38

first time you had dauphinoise potatoes? I think

38:41

it might be actually yeah. And I was

38:43

like oh I thought I'd done potatoes, I've

38:45

had crisps, I've had chips. But

38:49

this is on a different fucking

38:51

planet man. Boiled.

38:53

Roast. I thought I'd

38:56

done them all. And to be honest with

38:59

potatoes it winds me up actually.

39:02

We kind of perfected potatoes years ago. Like

39:06

skin on chips, skin on fries,

39:08

what the fuck is that? Like

39:10

apples, coconuts, chips, just cut

39:14

them once properly. Why?

39:17

Disgusting. But it makes them crispier

39:19

on the outside and fluffier in the middle.

39:22

I don't want that from a chip. What's

39:25

the maniac's choice? You sure?

39:27

I mean that's pretty much how you like your bread. So

39:31

you'd be laughing your head off eating some triple cooked chips.

39:34

Fries are great, chip shop chips are

39:36

great. Oven chips.

39:39

Have they in place? Yeah. In the

39:41

fucking bin. Sorry, I said

39:43

in the fucking bin. But yeah,

39:46

dauphinoise potatoes, just

39:49

amazing. Because it's my dream restaurant

39:51

though, alongside the sea bass, because

39:53

sea bass is nice and light,

39:55

because I'm there with all my friends. And you're

39:58

there, you're both there. Yeah, yeah, and

40:00

we're gonna go clubbing after so nothing nothing

40:03

too heavy or bow out after the mail

40:05

if I care So

40:08

who else is there you said all your friends

40:10

are there you And

40:13

Ed yeah is he's there is

40:15

he yeah Whiticum Okay,

40:18

just put it comes. Yeah. Yeah, I'm

40:21

Paul McCartney And

40:25

he likes me yeah in my

40:27

dream yeah He

40:30

loves my stories. Yeah, and I'm keeping

40:32

it together and we're having a

40:34

really great conversation I just check are you still a baby

40:36

at this point? No,

40:39

but he really respects me yeah

40:42

Paul McCartney famously respects anyone who first started

40:45

a full plate of soft But

40:52

I once read an interview Paul McCartney where he

40:54

said Yeah, if when

40:57

he's in a top restaurant. He's like you know

40:59

if I would have pulled a cornflakes Well

41:02

just after a ball the cool things So

41:05

that's the kind that's the level he's at

41:08

yes, we also the level he's that

41:10

is vegetarian yeah

41:15

All right a big plate of corn

41:17

Linda McCartney sausage yes, that's gonna

41:19

bring back bad memories You can't do that

41:21

sausage all right then bloody tofu Sausage

41:25

shaped meal meal His

41:30

office mine we did it best

41:32

it accomplished to ever show is that

41:34

a breakdown? tofu

41:36

shake meal You

41:40

want tofu? Still

41:42

for meals All right,

41:44

okay, poor McCartney is

41:46

he's on the table next to us. We can't see

41:48

what I'm eating But

41:51

he can hear what we're seeing and every now and then he

41:54

leans over but never looks at you

41:58

Just like that yeah That

42:01

sounds like a really good point actually, yeah? But

42:04

he can't see what I'm eating because alongside

42:06

the sea bass, I'd

42:09

like a small disc

42:11

of steak with

42:15

English mustard, because I think English mustard

42:17

is the world's greatest condiment, but

42:19

I don't want, yeah, but I

42:21

don't want to hold portions, I'll be too full for

42:23

my pudding then. So I just

42:25

want a little disc of steak. Just a little disc,

42:28

like a sort of 50 piece.

42:31

Sorry, 50 piece? I

42:34

like them a 50 piece. Because obviously I've

42:36

got the Dauphinard potatoes, the sea bass, I've

42:38

already had a lot of French bread, I've

42:41

had my sausages, I'm going to get full

42:43

very quickly. Sure. So this is

42:45

just the taste. I mean, never mind, like we turned you

42:47

into a baby earlier but we can't make you not full.

42:51

Well, for our 10 year

42:53

anniversary, we went to a

42:55

Michelin star restaurant. Yeah. And

42:58

it was Trinity in Clapham. So

43:01

it's you and Izzy, or you and John Robbins. But

43:05

it was a tasting

43:07

menu and Izzy knew someone who

43:09

worked in the kitchen. And

43:12

because we told them it was anniversary, they treated us,

43:14

we got more than we should have done. It

43:18

was our 10 year anniversary and I ate so

43:21

much. Very sad to say I

43:24

was then unable to fulfil

43:26

my physical promises I'd made.

43:39

They just kept bringing puddings. Yeah.

43:43

And it felt rude to say no. But

43:46

it didn't feel rude to say no to her.

43:51

What it meant was, I was

43:54

in the car park leaning against the wall.

43:57

I know what. Just

44:01

wait till you get home for fuck sake. No,

44:04

just, you know. You're lazy on our anniversary, man.

44:07

No. Just exhaling,

44:09

there was so full. It's

44:12

like a... Ahhh. Whoa.

44:20

Okay. Because

44:24

I was so full, so I'm desperate

44:27

to avoid that scenario. Because

44:29

are you planning on having sex with your partner

44:32

after the dream meal? Well,

44:34

I just never... It was actually very unpleasant

44:36

being that full. But it was

44:38

in the back of your mind on your anniversary,

44:40

we'll probably have sex later. Yeah,

44:42

I mean, it was part of the conversation, yeah,

44:44

absolutely, yeah. Hey, we've all been part of the

44:46

conversation. And

44:55

you're... But you're now in the car park

44:57

thinking, I'm going to have

44:59

to... I just thought, this is not happening

45:01

for days. The way I feel. So

45:06

I've... Since then, I promised myself I would

45:08

stop all the readings and actually very... Was

45:10

it just the way it made you feel?

45:12

You didn't feel sexy? Or

45:14

was it more of an actual physical impediment? It was

45:16

a physical impediment. Yeah,

45:20

yeah, yeah. Ed, I wanted to die. I

45:30

pushed my body to its very limit. So

45:34

you want a 50p-sized bit of steak.

45:37

Yeah. But top restaurant quality.

45:41

That's another thing I say to Izzy, because she

45:43

now does most of the cooking. It's actually flipped. It

45:45

used to be me, but over the

45:47

last couple of years, it's become... Izzy

45:49

started to cook more, and I will

45:51

often... To keep her confidence

45:53

up, I will say, that is restaurant quality.

45:57

Fucking hell. such

46:01

an amazing image of

46:03

your home life building up in our

46:05

head now that is restaurant quality restaurant

46:07

quality yeah well so it this is

46:09

top quality steak but only

46:11

a small amount so I can have it with English

46:14

mustard and then we can move on okay

46:16

and that's next to your sea bass now can

46:19

we get we need to get into the into the nitty

46:21

gritty with the veg here so you've

46:24

got steamed spinach okay

46:26

with a little bit of nutmeg green beans

46:29

okay okay

46:43

someone's gonna need to Google something for us I

46:50

don't move on no we

46:53

to Google you got your phone out you

46:55

know what I want you to Google and I'll just say it to you can

46:59

you more about the green beans well

47:02

I really I really like my greens I

47:05

like kidney beans sorry

47:10

something fucking mad is

47:13

happening in this room

47:16

I cannot put my finger on yeah you don't

47:18

need to leave your fingers off it

47:20

for now because

47:25

I like spinach I like cabbage yeah

47:32

he's fine you're in the clear carry on having

47:37

on talking I

47:44

feel like I feel like I'm trying to walk across a

47:46

nice sea lake as

47:49

long as you walk and don't run Yeah

48:01

But I would like the chef to discuss them with Slightly

48:04

more enthusiasm than you to muster on your

48:06

advert at the start of the podcast That's

48:11

a good advert, yeah, we had to Originally

48:14

James wasn't around I had to record that

48:16

by myself. You've never felt more fucking insane

48:18

than recording an advert for

48:20

broccoli alone My

48:22

sister thought that advert was fake with a prank.

48:24

She's like you can't do an advert for tender

48:26

stem broccoli It's like doing adverts just for cake

48:31

I'm not gonna go to that because we have a website address

48:33

at the end So I'm not gonna go on that website. It's

48:35

just gonna be a picture of you Ed and toast dressed as

48:37

broccoli Well,

48:39

I love I love I love my greens so

48:41

it's greens and Dauphin Mars

48:45

Potatoes and then a disk

48:47

of steak with English mustard, but only a smaller

48:49

one. So I'm not too full Now

48:52

it's a big night. Are you

48:54

factoring your dream side dish into that? Was there a

48:56

different dream side different dream side dish? Okay. Well, let's

48:58

move on to that and here what you different dream

49:00

side This is I mean the two

49:03

that almost made the cut Special

49:06

fried rice Shredded

49:09

chilli crispy beef But

49:13

I thought what genuinely makes me happy About

49:17

why do I feel like looking at a bowl

49:19

of sausages? No Absolutely,

49:23

it's my dream restaurant. So if my side

49:25

had like a box of milk tray Ellis

49:40

Been here with you tonight We're

49:43

all Albert Hall She was

49:45

finally chosen. Look Trey as their dream

49:47

side dish Can I

49:49

start no no questions needed? I

49:54

Respect the choice, but you're

49:56

not fucking anyone after this man I

50:00

beg to differ. Fuck

50:10

you Spencer. Hope

50:14

you guys are very happy together. Am I at

50:17

least in the conversation Alice? I

50:21

don't know if Bricknall's grown his heart. What's the

50:23

thing? I don't know. Can

50:28

I check? With

50:30

the milk tray. Yeah. Are

50:32

you reading what each chocolate is before you eat it or

50:34

are you just... I know. I

50:40

know. It's actually a box of milk

50:42

tray with a difference. It's normal two

50:44

tier but it's actually a third tier and the

50:47

third tier is just the Turkish Delight ones. Which

50:50

get an insanely bad rap.

50:53

And like I like Turkish

50:55

Delight but actually the cheaper end of Turkish Delight

50:57

is the nicest. Agreed. The highest

50:59

Turkish Delight is way nicer than

51:01

the stuff that's covered in what looks like cocaine.

51:06

100% I would take a fried Turkish Delight

51:09

or a milk tray Turkish Delight over that

51:11

powdered stuff any day. The powdered Posh stuff.

51:14

Yeah. It doesn't even compare.

51:17

And I always think that for

51:19

some reason Turkish Delight and milk tray...

51:21

It's like at Christmas people leave it. It's always one

51:23

of the ones that's left at the end

51:25

of the festive period. I love that

51:27

one. So I would have a whole

51:29

tray of that one because there's never enough of it. That's the

51:32

top layer for you. That's the top. It's actually the bottom layer.

51:34

That's the treat at the end. So I've worked my way through...

51:36

That's the treat at the end after the two other layers of

51:38

chocolate. I'm actually getting

51:40

emotional here. This is beautiful. It's

51:43

really great to hear. I never

51:45

hear... Listen, Alice, I didn't expect this

51:47

from you and this is wonderful. So

51:50

I've got the top two layers. I like them all. But

51:53

then I've got a very

51:55

similar attitude to Turkish Delight and milk

51:57

tray as I do to pickled ginger. You can never hear that.

52:00

have enough and then there's a whole layer of

52:02

them at the bottom then and that's

52:04

when we move on to you know put

52:06

it absolutely

52:10

love it are you eating all of that just straight

52:13

away or are you going back and forth with that

52:15

you have in a mouthful of sea bass then a bit

52:17

of Turkish delight no there's a sort of there's a sabbatical

52:19

of about 10 minutes when I don't talk to anyone

52:22

yeah and that's when I'm eating the milk tray so

52:24

for the sea bass what you

52:26

know we're having conversation with you know

52:29

with with swapping stories we're all

52:31

sorts of stuff for every great time

52:33

yeah we're laughing we're talking about our

52:35

childhood McCartney's mccarnie mccarnie's that

52:37

sounds like a really good point but

52:40

then there's a kind of ten minutes sabbatical where everyone

52:43

goes on their phones and I'm just eating the milk

52:45

tray but you'll fill

52:47

up the table with it yeah yeah then

52:49

I return to the fray refreshed revived

52:52

and I say sorry it's my dream restaurant

52:54

and I will eat what I want yeah

52:57

I love it yeah well yeah

52:59

there's a there's a round of

53:01

applause you

53:05

drink drink Ellen's James dream

53:07

drink I've become a real

53:11

coffee dickhead over

53:14

the last probably three or four

53:16

years so I I don't

53:19

like craft beer I don't really care

53:21

about beer even though I drink it

53:23

I don't really care about wine but

53:25

coffee so I would like a

53:28

V60 humbrew coffee made

53:31

with Panamanian geisha beans

53:34

made specifically by the coffee

53:36

based youtuber James Hoffman so

53:40

he is world a lot of people really world

53:42

priest of the year 2007 now he's a coffee

53:46

he's a coffee youtuber and

53:48

he's brilliant I mean you know need to tell me about him

53:50

I obviously subscribe I have no

53:52

idea who this person is I really love his videos

53:56

so he will do videos where he'll tell

53:59

you the best way you've making French press

54:01

coffee or a press or

54:04

a V60 or the best way to make espresso and this kind of stuff.

54:06

You'll talk about grinds and temperatures and

54:08

all sorts of stuff. You'll talk about different

54:11

equipment. Sometimes you used to be able to

54:13

buy coffee making kits

54:15

which would be quite popular at Christmas in

54:17

the 60s and someone will send one in

54:19

and say, this has been in my garage

54:21

for 58 years. And he'll go,

54:23

I'll drink it. And then he'll

54:25

make coffee with the kit and follow the

54:28

instructions and then at the end of

54:30

it say inevitably, that is absolutely disgusting.

54:33

He is the absolute don. I once saw

54:35

him in a coffee shop I really like. So I

54:37

thought, okay, well, I'm going to keep on coming here

54:39

because if he's coming here,

54:41

then it's obviously a good place. And

54:44

they make, Geisha beans are

54:47

the most expensive beans you can buy really. And

54:50

I've bought the beans for at home, but I've never made

54:53

it as nice as when I'm in this

54:55

cafe. So he's making the

54:57

coffee. I read a

54:59

reveal that Grace Dent wrote in the

55:01

Guardian about a coffee shop in

55:04

King's Cross that was selling kits for coffee that was

55:06

16 quid. 16 quid.

55:09

And I thought, I've

55:11

got to try this one. So

55:14

I cycled up to King's Cross to my house

55:16

took about an hour turned

55:18

up and they sold out. Yeah. I

55:22

was texting my friend, Sharn, a comedy writer and

55:24

she was working on a comedy showing Cardi and

55:26

she was in the writer's room. And she just

55:28

texted like one of you up to and I

55:30

said, I've cycled to King's Cross to try this

55:32

16 pound coffee and they've sold out. But

55:35

she was in the writer's room with a load of other

55:37

comics that I knew. And I didn't

55:39

know that she was relaying this information to the writer's

55:41

room. Within about two minutes,

55:43

I had like 20 text messages. When

55:45

did you turn into a cunt? The

55:51

fuck is wrong with you? 16 pounds. Are

55:53

you mad? But

55:55

it is my vice. So

55:57

I only have like two cups a day for a ticket.

56:00

quite seriously. However, if you want the real

56:02

me, I mean

56:05

that really felt like the real

56:07

you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It got

56:09

like so intense. Yeah. You held

56:11

the Royal Albert Hall in the

56:13

palm of your hand for that

56:15

whole thing. Well. Just talking about

56:17

grinds and beans. To

56:19

accompany the coffee, I would like a can of

56:21

Grosch and a pint of Ribena. That's

56:28

all sides of Ellis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now,

56:31

I do know you love Grosch. We're

56:33

on a text group together, the three of us, and

56:35

you regularly will bring up how much you love Grosch.

56:39

You know what you're getting. Yeah,

56:41

a bad beer. No

56:43

beer that tastes like beer. Doesn't

56:47

taste like, you know, pomegranate

56:49

and pasties or... On

56:53

a podcast I do, we used to say beer 52. Have

56:56

you ever drink that stuff? It

56:58

is absolutely horrific. Oh,

57:03

this one's great. It tastes like mango and

57:05

fag. No,

57:09

I think I'm all right, actually. Oh,

57:11

there's a lovely cigarette, tobacco and a

57:13

toner, this one. And, you know, peaches.

57:15

No, no, no, no, no, no, no,

57:17

no. I just want it to

57:20

taste like lager. Well, we've

57:22

been sponsored by beer 52 again. And

57:25

we, you know, we very much love them. And if they want

57:27

to come back and sponsor us some more, that's

57:30

great. And, you know, I have tried

57:32

the beers and I really like them. I had a

57:34

lovely stout that was blueberry

57:37

maple syrup and waffle flavor. It tastes like

57:39

the two-ringed shroud and dust. I

57:42

drink all of that stuff. I love it.

57:44

No, no, no, no, no. But coffee is

57:46

the one area where

57:48

I get really pretentious. So I would

57:50

like a pretentious coffee but then wash

57:52

down with a nice can of bronze.

57:55

You know, I collaborated with Signature Brew

57:57

on a sour beer, which was a...

58:00

it was rhubarb crumble and custard flavour. That

58:03

is. You are ill. LAUGHTER

58:08

That is mad. That's a mad sentence.

58:10

It was called Let's Get Eddie to

58:12

Crumble. LAUGHTER Humans have

58:14

been making beer for, like, 20,000 years.

58:18

So it's about the time they fucking up their game. LAUGHTER

58:22

Rhubarb and custard crumble.

58:24

Yeah, and I did another one with

58:27

Volt Brewing, who are great. They're at

58:29

Edinburgh Base Brewing Company that was apple

58:31

and guava flavour. Oh, my God. No,

58:33

no, no, no, no. LAUGHTER I

58:36

mean, you're essentially having a gosh with

58:38

a Ribena. That sounds pretty

58:40

much like what is being made here. Surely

58:43

this is cutting out the middle, but it's a good

58:45

one drink. I've realised... Well,

58:48

I've had it pointed out to me. LAUGHTER

58:51

I wonder who by. But I

58:54

don't really care having lots

58:56

of different tastes around the same time. So

58:58

we went on a brilliant holiday to Portugal.

59:00

The best holiday I've ever been on, and

59:02

it was the breakfast buffet. And

59:05

they had everything. They had

59:07

absolutely everything. And on

59:10

the second day, Izzy's very

59:12

good. She doesn't go on her phone in front of the kids.

59:14

So we were eating breakfast, but she was on her phone. And

59:17

I said, what are you doing? And

59:19

she went, I've set up a

59:21

WhatsApp group to criticise your breakfast training.

59:23

LAUGHTER Because

59:28

it was... It was

59:30

all there. Yeah. So

59:33

I had bacon, sausage, egg,

59:35

melon, cucumber, spinach,

59:38

almonds, cheese. All

59:42

on one plate. All on one plate. You

59:45

know, that's the issue. That's the weird thing. Yeah, yeah,

59:47

yeah. Yeah. So she

59:49

said, you've got lots of different... You've

59:51

got lots of traditional, acceptable breakfast there, but

59:54

all on the same plate. Yeah. So why

59:56

don't you go... Like, go have

59:58

the fried section first, and then go... back for the

1:00:00

cucumber and blah blah blah. I was like yeah but you

1:00:02

know, on the holiday of a lifetime. I want

1:00:05

to take the, I want to, the kids

1:00:07

want to go to the beach. Let's

1:00:09

just get it, let's just get it done. And

1:00:13

then we can move on. Is that

1:00:15

what you said after your anniversary meal? Walked

1:00:25

right into that motherfucker. Yeah. Gross,

1:00:27

that was in the mix. So

1:00:31

with these three drinks, you've got the

1:00:33

coffee, you've got the Grosch and you've

1:00:35

got the Ribena. We know you

1:00:37

like weak squash, Izzy's held us that on

1:00:39

the live episode we did with her.

1:00:42

The weak squash came about because I was trying

1:00:44

to wean myself off the strongest stuff. Why?

1:00:49

Because the levels

1:00:51

I was drinking it at were insane and had

1:00:53

to be stopped. So

1:00:56

I realised I'd just had such a sweet stuff

1:00:58

that I thought okay well I'll move on to

1:01:00

like sugar free squash. So his water but he's

1:01:02

got a bit of taste. But this

1:01:04

is the dream restaurant so I've gone back

1:01:06

to, like Ribena tough kind and

1:01:08

Ribena light and all that kind of stuff.

1:01:10

It is funny the way he says

1:01:12

tooth right? Yeah yeah, sorry. I just,

1:01:16

I wanted just to acknowledge that because it

1:01:19

felt quite tense in the room where everyone's

1:01:21

going. Is he saying tooth? Does he mean

1:01:23

tooth? Tough kind. Sorry, selection

1:01:25

thing, sorry. Alright,

1:01:31

tooth kind which

1:01:33

sounds insane. But

1:01:36

the Ribena tooth kind is

1:01:40

just disgusting so if you're not

1:01:42

going to drink the proper stuff

1:01:44

there's no point drinking it I

1:01:46

think. Yeah, although I reckon if

1:01:48

you stop drinking normal Ribena for

1:01:50

fun, it's five years. I think

1:01:53

Ribena tough kind would taste like

1:01:55

normal Ribena. Are you sip,

1:01:57

sip, sip or are you a whole drink, whole drink?

1:02:00

whole drink? In

1:02:02

sequence coffee beer I've been a coffee

1:02:04

beer I've been a coffee beer I've been a coffee

1:02:06

beer I've been a end. Get

1:02:12

it done and move on. Yeah pickle

1:02:14

ginger, cleanse the palate, Bosch. We

1:02:18

arrive at your dream dessert Ellis James so

1:02:20

exciting you've already chosen milk tray and I'm

1:02:22

in good hands here what we talk so

1:02:25

you're already positively like twitching because of sugar

1:02:27

at this point. Caffeine and they've ever been

1:02:29

called. Well no if I was in a

1:02:31

nice restaurant I would probably

1:02:34

go a cheeseboard. What

1:02:38

a fucking twist. Drew

1:02:43

him in. Oh milk

1:02:45

tray milk tray oh well done

1:02:47

Ellis well done. Bam!

1:02:50

Cheeseboard in your fucking face.

1:02:54

It sounds like this is a qualify I don't think this is

1:02:56

a final thing. So I like really

1:02:59

love blue cheese. Wait Christ Ellis. Really

1:03:03

like blue cheese. Yeah. All

1:03:05

these newt tastes amazing.

1:03:08

I like strong

1:03:10

cheese I like weak cheese. You

1:03:12

know yeah I love some of

1:03:14

the weak cheeses on my face. I

1:03:16

mean that takes me back as a student I

1:03:19

god this is this is embarrassing as a student.

1:03:21

Yeah it's fucking embarrassing. I

1:03:25

used to argue that all cheese tasted the same it

1:03:27

was either weak or strong. That is

1:03:29

a foolish position that I used to maintain. Yeah. 25

1:03:32

years ago okay but I've moved

1:03:34

on and accept that cheeses have different

1:03:37

tastes, qualities, vibes. However

1:03:40

this is the dream

1:03:42

restaurant and because it's

1:03:45

a dream restaurant my

1:03:47

dream pudding is Little

1:03:50

Chef's Mississippi Mudkick. Hello.

1:03:55

Unlovedly choice. I

1:03:59

believed in you Ellis. I think it

1:04:01

might have been, was it Mississippi or Alabama

1:04:03

mud cake? Mississippi, it will be Mississippi, surely.

1:04:06

I actually googled the little chef

1:04:09

menu today to try and find

1:04:11

out definitively, but it hasn't

1:04:13

been in business since 2006, so

1:04:16

sadly no one had applauded the menu as a kind of

1:04:19

farewell to little chef. I

1:04:22

think it's more likely to be Mississippi mud

1:04:24

cake because of the alliteration. I don't think

1:04:26

they're going, I wish we could use three

1:04:28

M's, but it's unfortunately the recipe's from Alabama.

1:04:32

That, oh my god. Take

1:04:34

us there. You

1:04:38

can have it hot or cold. But

1:04:42

there was no wrong choice. What

1:04:45

would you go for, a little L.S. James?

1:04:47

I started off assuming that hot was the

1:04:50

right answer, and then the ice cream had

1:04:52

started to melt in it. But

1:04:54

actually, once I'd gone cold, I thought

1:04:56

the fondant icing now has got real,

1:04:59

heft. And

1:05:01

the heft is actually fantastic. It

1:05:04

used to be a lot of French funsies in the sort

1:05:06

of 80s. Do

1:05:09

you have any fondant French funsies? Yeah,

1:05:11

I know what you mean, but why do I have to have eaten them in the 80s? You

1:05:16

know, they're still available now. We've established, and

1:05:18

this was only French things in the 80s. Yeah.

1:05:22

And the only puddings

1:05:25

that have three words and they all start with

1:05:27

the same letter. But I

1:05:29

don't eat them anymore. No, but you only ate them

1:05:31

in the 80s. Up

1:05:34

to Blair. Okay. But

1:05:39

the Mississippi mud came from Little Chef. We

1:05:41

used to eat in Little Chef quite often

1:05:43

as kids. And, wasn't

1:05:45

it just like a roadside? It

1:05:49

was a motorway service station restaurant. Which

1:05:52

services would you drive to, to? There was

1:05:54

one in St. Clair's, the O'Comarvon, and we

1:05:56

used to eat in that one quite a

1:05:58

lot. Have your

1:06:00

table ready for you. I

1:06:04

remember once, we

1:06:06

went there one weeknight, and my mother made

1:06:08

us wear our school uniforms so we looked

1:06:11

smart. Gala

1:06:17

dinner night at the Little Chef. People

1:06:21

announcing you as you come in, they're James family!

1:06:27

What else did you get from Little Chef? Did you

1:06:30

quickly rail off your Little Chef menu for us? The

1:06:32

burger was massive. Are

1:06:35

you sure you weren't just a child? No,

1:06:38

the burger was the size of a plate, then there

1:06:40

was the Olympic breakfast. I think one of

1:06:42

the reasons I'm not a foodie is that when I was growing

1:06:44

up, I'd never met a

1:06:46

foodie. I didn't meet a foodie until about seven

1:06:48

or eight years ago. Because

1:06:51

when I was growing up, if you

1:06:53

ever mentioned a restaurant, people would say,

1:06:56

we had Sunday dinner in

1:06:58

the Phoenix in Gurslas on Saturday.

1:07:01

People would go, was it nice? They'd go, yeah, the

1:07:03

portions were massive. So

1:07:06

the way everyone discussed food was always

1:07:09

based on portion size. And

1:07:11

I think the way we eat in

1:07:14

the UK has changed almost

1:07:16

unimaginably in the last, certainly 25 years. So

1:07:20

Little Chef, it was the Olympic breakfast. I can't remember what they called

1:07:23

a burger, but it was massive. My favorite burger

1:07:25

would have been Wimpy, which I actually still

1:07:27

think is better. It was better than McDonald's

1:07:29

and it was better than Burger King, and you got it on

1:07:31

a plate. With

1:07:35

a lovely finely diced onion. So

1:07:38

I tended to have the Olympic breakfast when

1:07:40

I was eating Little Chef, followed

1:07:45

by the Mississippi Mud Cake, and then the little

1:07:47

barley sugar lollipops that you get at

1:07:49

the till. If you'd been

1:07:52

a good boy and cleared your plate, forgot

1:07:54

about the barley sugar lollipops at Little Chef.

1:07:56

Yeah. So if you've been a good

1:07:58

boy and you've eaten all your Mississippi Mud Cake, fucking lollipop

1:08:00

with you. Where

1:08:02

do you think your sugar addiction came from? I

1:08:06

mean no. I would say I

1:08:08

would trust myself as a health eater. I've

1:08:11

been eating, apart from Betty's birthday, I

1:08:13

haven't eaten chocolate for weeks.

1:08:16

It's just I can't have it in the house because

1:08:18

if it's in the house I'll eat all of it very

1:08:20

very quickly. So I can not buy

1:08:22

it but I can't own

1:08:26

it for a long period. If

1:08:28

you know what I mean. That sounds bad.

1:08:31

I guess I've never heard anyone

1:08:33

use that term before. I've

1:08:35

never bought chocolate and considered myself a

1:08:37

chocolate owner. It's

1:08:43

always a transient relationship right? Yeah. You seem

1:08:45

never truly owned chocolate. The Acaster's know this.

1:08:48

We talk to each other. I mean of

1:08:50

course. Some people will have the same

1:08:53

pack of biscuits in the house for like five

1:08:55

days. Yeah those people are fucking psychopaths. Yeah. And

1:08:58

that's what I can't do

1:09:00

that. So I either

1:09:02

don't eat it or I

1:09:05

eat it like chillingly quickly.

1:09:07

Honestly I'm disappointed because

1:09:10

we've had a lot of stories from your childhood. Yeah.

1:09:12

I was

1:09:14

hoping you'd talk about the farmer who lived next door

1:09:16

who used to bring around tomatoes for you because that's

1:09:19

my famous story from the childhood that I'm now trying

1:09:21

to turn you up for. Oh yeah. About

1:09:24

Sean the dog. We had a

1:09:26

dog called Sean the dog. James

1:09:29

has given away some of the details of the story. And

1:09:33

I'm going to change his

1:09:35

name. The dog? No. Too late.

1:09:37

I know it's called Sean man. So Mr

1:09:40

Davis next door used to bring us

1:09:42

tomatoes. Okay Mr Davis we're

1:09:44

going with. Yeah. The other

1:09:46

Welsh surname. His

1:09:51

real name is Mr Williams. And Sean the dog

1:09:54

jumped over the fence

1:09:57

and Mr Davis had a goose. There

1:10:06

was a bucket of water in

1:10:08

Mr Davis' garden and Sean, he

1:10:10

meant no harm, he was a

1:10:12

puppy, he

1:10:15

was very excitable and

1:10:17

he worried and panicked the goose to such

1:10:19

an extent that the goose put its

1:10:21

head in the bucket of water

1:10:23

and took its own

1:10:25

life. I

1:10:36

don't

1:10:40

need your menu back, do you now see anything else you want to

1:10:42

talk about? You

1:10:46

would like still water out of a glass bottle.

1:10:49

Pop it on the bread, you want crusty French bread

1:10:51

that is so crusty it makes people laugh out loud

1:10:53

when they bite into it. From 1983 Tesco as a

1:10:55

child sat in the trolley eating it. From

1:10:57

the start you would like a plate of

1:11:00

Elvis environment sandwiches for the table with

1:11:02

ketchup, also you can watch for yourselves

1:11:04

and some is sashimi with pickled ginger.

1:11:07

Main course sea bass with steamed greens,

1:11:09

spinach and nutmeg, green beans, tennis and

1:11:11

broccoli, chocolate and white potatoes and a

1:11:13

50p sized disc of steak with English

1:11:16

mustard on it. Side dish, a box

1:11:18

of milk tray, third tier, just Turkish delight. Drink

1:11:22

B60 hand brewed coffee made with

1:11:24

geisha beans made by coffee based

1:11:26

YouTuber James Hoffman. A can of

1:11:28

Gras and a pint of Ribena. Little

1:11:31

Chef's Mississippi Mud Cake Brackets

1:11:33

Cold. How

1:11:39

do you feel about that? What

1:11:41

a night. Imagine

1:11:44

eating that stuff. Oh

1:11:48

my God. Shannon

1:11:51

is the special fried rice,

1:11:53

the shredded chilli beef that

1:11:55

almost made the cut. Food

1:11:58

is fantastic. Food

1:12:02

great. Oh my. Goodness.

1:12:07

A movie is also the tree Me: we're

1:12:09

all going clubbing right with the idea you

1:12:11

going to have enough to that we're hoping

1:12:13

to a bigger the We've got a nice

1:12:15

Vip roped off area with we would get

1:12:17

sick with outsiders as don't visit from. The

1:12:21

likes of Money by the. So

1:12:28

fantastic. Million idea. Who.

1:12:50

That we are we would made about and

1:12:52

as at the beginning be was was in

1:12:55

either order to discuss it also. Has

1:12:58

yet to convince people to listen says he

1:13:00

and his teams and John Hopkins on my

1:13:02

desk. Five live or have like a podcast

1:13:04

and I can listen to the So He

1:13:06

Just and Sports bar and I was a

1:13:08

time when they get that podcast as well.

1:13:10

suppose we're supposed so on. Hey Allison during

1:13:12

a typical for weeks and so this could

1:13:14

be a lot of Alison John concerned with

1:13:16

he didn't join Earnest and to. Watch.

1:13:23

Life. Come in on the

1:13:25

show are. Next

1:13:27

guy. He

1:13:45

cast powers the rules, Are

1:13:49

we? A

1:13:53

are on Ten Finley House of a

1:13:55

new podcast allow post card are now

1:13:57

that's right each week up and taking.

1:14:00

One are right where mainstream media.

1:14:02

In the depth of internet culture. Cool.

1:14:04

I joined by rotating cast of friends

1:14:06

and gas. Will be breaking down

1:14:08

the weekly what's what and who sort

1:14:11

of pop culture you. Need a saw the

1:14:13

separate the mess up the makes you say I

1:14:15

know That's right. Don't worry girl I. Guess you

1:14:17

check out our know that's right wherever

1:14:19

you get your pocket. He

1:14:24

cast helps creators launch, grow

1:14:26

and well as as the

1:14:28

process everywhere Acre stacked. My

1:14:37

name is Ian Smith. Any glad tail.

1:14:39

And we are from the Northern News

1:14:42

podcast where. We take a deep dive into

1:14:44

the bizarre stories. We find someone. Else paint

1:14:46

and if the like food on I

1:14:48

know you like food slickers you listening

1:14:51

to have managed without stories about pigs

1:14:53

getting cold of round about with risks

1:14:55

with.stories about gravy wrestling car parks with

1:14:58

ghost stories about restaurants get a monster

1:15:00

food hygiene relatives. And record breaking Yorkshire

1:15:02

Puddings and we got special guest as

1:15:04

you may remember from of money That

1:15:07

said. Such as Maisie, Adam,

1:15:09

Tim, Kaine, Rosie Jones,

1:15:11

Gory, Fill wise and he has

1:15:13

been off. My new but we got

1:15:15

Haven't Kennedy who played Curly Watson. Coronation

1:15:18

Street. Take that a cast that So

1:15:20

please give a listen to the Know

1:15:22

the News podcast every Thursday. where have

1:15:24

you get a puppy.