0:04

You're listening to On Attachment, a

0:06

place to learn about how attachment

0:09

shapes the way we experience relationships

0:11

and where you'll gain the guidance,

0:13

knowledge and practical tools to overcome

0:16

insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships.

0:20

I'm your host, relationship coach Stephanie

0:22

Rigg, and I'm really glad you're here.

0:28

Hey everybody, welcome back to another episode

0:30

of On Attachment. Today's episode is part

0:32

two of the episode that

0:34

I released a couple of days ago, which was titled 20

0:37

traits of the anxious attachment style.

0:40

So I'm running through some

0:43

less obvious, I would say traits of

0:45

the anxious attachment style, hopefully

0:48

going a little deeper than your

0:50

average listicle. What I will

0:52

say before I dive in is that this

0:54

is not an exhaustive list and it's also not

0:58

sequential. You don't have to have listened to the

1:00

previous episode as a prerequisite to being able to

1:02

make sense of this episode. But

1:05

if you're interested, you can absolutely go back and listen

1:07

to the other one as well to give you the

1:09

fuller picture. So just before I dive

1:11

into traits 11 to 20 of the 20 traits

1:15

that I'm going to run through, I just

1:18

wanted to remind you that healing anxious

1:20

attachment, my signature program opens up in

1:23

a few days time. If you're

1:25

on the wait list, amazing. I think there

1:27

are about 1300 of you at the moment, which is just

1:29

so cool. But if you're not on

1:31

the wait list and you'd like to be, which just gives

1:34

you first access, early

1:36

bird pricing and exclusive bonuses,

1:39

which for the first time ever, the exclusive

1:42

bonuses are going to include all four of

1:45

my other master classes. So building

1:47

trust, sex and attachment, how

1:49

to navigate anxious, avoidant relationships and better

1:51

boundaries are all included as

1:54

a bonus masterclass bundle with the early

1:56

bird price of healing anxious attachment. So

1:59

really, really good value. you if you are interested,

2:01

just put yourself on the waitlist so that you have

2:03

the option. You can do that via my website or

2:06

the link in the show notes. Hopefully

2:08

that's all pretty straightforward. Okay,

2:11

so trait number 11, continuing

2:13

on from the first 10 that we covered

2:15

in the previous episode a couple of days

2:18

ago, is you have a

2:20

really, really hard time with breakups and

2:22

other endings. So I've

2:24

spoken about this on the podcast many times.

2:27

There's an episode from a while back titled, 5

2:30

Reasons that Anxiously Attached People Struggle with

2:32

Breakups. So you can obviously do a

2:35

deep dive into that if you're interested. But for

2:38

anxiously attached people, for all of the

2:40

reasons that we've talked about, because the relationship is such

2:42

a source of safety, a breakup

2:45

tends to be very, very

2:47

destabilizing and disorienting. And

2:50

that's true no matter how much you might know

2:52

that a relationship needs to end, no matter

2:56

how dysfunctional or unhealthy, no matter how unhappy

2:58

you were. Going through

3:01

that process of emotional

3:03

disentanglement from someone that

3:05

you love and that you are attached to is

3:08

particularly excruciating when

3:11

you have anxious attachment patterns. So

3:13

breakups are likely to really throw you

3:16

and your recovery time, if we want

3:18

to call it that, is likely to be

3:21

longer than someone with more avoidant

3:23

patterns or even someone with more

3:25

of a secure attachment. You're likely to really

3:27

be in that process for

3:29

a decent amount of time

3:31

and you're doing a lot of ruminating

3:33

and thinking and wondering

3:35

whether it was the right thing and wanting to

3:37

reach out to your ex and still feeling very

3:40

attached to them. So that's very normal if

3:42

you're someone with an anxious attachment style. I'll

3:45

just quickly say, I also had in this

3:47

one, you have a hard time with other

3:49

endings as well. Because I think it's kind

3:51

of a, not really as

3:53

front and centre as something like breakups,

3:56

but you might also struggle like

3:58

letting go of a different kind of relationship. job

4:00

like walking away from something or you

4:02

might just have a level of emotionality

4:05

or sentimentality around goodbyes and

4:08

separation. Again going back to that thing of

4:10

separation anxiety or you know just

4:13

having a lot of emotion around

4:15

parting ways so that could extend

4:17

beyond you know just breakups. Number

4:20

12 is you can't help but be consumed

4:22

by the perceived problems in your relationship. So

4:26

for anxiously attached people when something's wrong

4:28

with a relationship it really

4:30

does feel all-consuming and it's likely all that

4:32

you can think and talk about. So

4:35

this is my contrast with if you have for

4:38

example a more avoidant leaning partner they're

4:41

probably quite adept at compartmentalizing. So

4:43

you could have a big fight

4:45

and then they could kind of switch

4:48

gears and go off to work and have a totally normal

4:50

day and not have that be

4:52

you know weighing down on them. I

4:55

used to have this dynamic in a

4:58

previous relationship where my

5:01

ex-partner was quite avoidant and

5:03

we'd be in the middle of an argument and he would

5:06

just say I don't have time for

5:08

this right now I need to go like I

5:10

need to work I need to do something and

5:12

it was always so challenging for me because I

5:14

was so in the thick of it and so

5:16

in my emotions that it was unfathomable

5:18

to me that you could focus on

5:20

anything else at a time like that but

5:23

for him he was able to just switch

5:25

it off and you

5:27

know if anything I think I interpreted that

5:29

at the time as you know

5:31

him not caring but it really is just a

5:34

different blueprint but

5:36

it can be very hard to relate to a

5:38

someone with more anxious patterns that you know your

5:40

partner could just kind of put things

5:43

in separate boxes and function

5:45

quite effectively even when things are not good

5:47

in the relationship it's likely that

5:49

you don't have that same capacity to segment

5:51

yourself internally so it's

5:54

likely that you know if the relationship

5:57

is you know feeling really

5:59

strong that that's taking up

6:01

most of your field of

6:03

vision and most of your bandwidth and that's

6:05

going to be really all consuming. The

6:08

other aspect of that is that you probably struggle to

6:10

see the good at

6:12

those times in those seasons where the

6:14

relationship is feeling strained and

6:16

that's really likely to cloud your vision and

6:18

so everything feels like it's infected

6:21

with the negativity of

6:23

whatever is bothering you about the relationship.

6:25

Okay number 13 is you yearn for

6:27

support but struggle with receiving it. Now

6:30

we sort of touched on this when

6:32

talking about the over giving and self

6:34

sacrifice in the previous episode

6:37

but it's sort

6:39

of a funny thing right? You can often resent being

6:41

the giver and you might

6:43

complain about imbalances in the

6:45

relationship. You might complain about

6:47

that lack of reciprocity of you know I'm

6:49

always the one doing this. You

6:52

know I am always giving more, I am

6:54

always thinking about you, I'm always in the

6:56

caring role and you never do that for

6:59

me. And there is this

7:01

yearning for support but you

7:03

do tend to struggle to receive that support

7:05

if you're more anxiously attached and you cannot

7:07

really know what to do with it if

7:10

suddenly someone showed up and was

7:12

really ready and willing to support you and

7:14

asked you know how can I support you?

7:16

You might find yourself a little frozen not

7:19

really knowing what to do because you're so unaccustomed

7:21

to being in that seat

7:23

of receiving. So

7:25

I think there's some work to do

7:28

for most of us around recognising

7:30

the vulnerability of receiving because

7:33

it is for a lot of

7:35

us much more vulnerable to be you know to

7:37

kind of have the spotlight on us and have you know

7:40

us be cared for and have our needs

7:43

being really recognised and paid attention to. If

7:46

you're not used to that then that can feel really edgy

7:48

in and of itself though. There's

7:51

definitely some work there around you know

7:54

feeling worthy of the support that you

7:56

crave and really allowing yourself to take

7:58

that in. Okay number four. 14

8:00

is you become infatuated and attached to new

8:03

people very quickly. So

8:05

in early dating you find yourself going

8:07

from 0 to 100 at lightning speed,

8:09

quickly becoming attached to someone before you really

8:12

know them, which can

8:14

also apply to crushes while in

8:16

a relationship. Now I've touched on

8:19

jealousy elsewhere and there

8:22

will be a couple of points in

8:25

this episode where I'm touching on those dynamics.

8:28

And I actually think that part of the

8:30

anxiously attached person's struggle

8:33

with jealousy stems from

8:35

their own tendency to become

8:38

infatuated and attached and develop crushes

8:40

very quickly. So if you can see

8:43

someone at the coffee shop or the gym and suddenly

8:45

create this little fantasy in your mind about being

8:48

totally obsessed with them and

8:51

you can't stop thinking about them and

8:53

you start planning your days

8:56

around whether you might run into them or

8:58

whatever, it

9:00

can be easy to project and assume that your partner

9:03

is doing the same thing and so feel very

9:05

insecure and jealous around what they're doing

9:07

and through their seeing. So

9:10

I think that this tendency

9:12

that people with strong anxious attachment

9:14

patterns have to really

9:17

latch on and become kind

9:20

of in that fantasy world of imagining

9:23

a whole life with someone

9:25

or becoming very consumed by

9:27

this idea of a connection

9:29

that doesn't really exist. That

9:32

is certainly an anxious attachment thing whether it's

9:35

in a relationship or outside of one in

9:37

a dating context. You're

9:40

definitely not alone if you've experienced that.

9:42

Okay, number 15 is you struggle with

9:44

trust and feel threatened by

9:46

your partner's privacy. So I've

9:49

done an episode before on the

9:51

difference between privacy and secrecy and for

9:54

anxiously attached people, it can

9:56

feel like there is no difference between privacy and secrecy

9:58

that, you know, it's not a bad thing. if

10:00

you are doing something and protecting

10:02

your privacy, then that is tantamount to

10:04

keeping secrets. And keeping secrets feels

10:06

very dangerous. So, you know,

10:09

anxiously attached people love certainty. And

10:12

that element of the unknown that is

10:14

involved in trusting someone can

10:17

feel very, very risky and very,

10:19

very vulnerable. So,

10:22

distinguishing between healthy privacy and unhealthy

10:24

secrecy, it's almost like that. You

10:27

know, if you've got nothing to hide, then why

10:29

do you need privacy kind of mentality? Can be

10:32

common among anxious people. And,

10:34

you know, as you can imagine, or maybe you've experienced,

10:36

when that comes head to head with a

10:39

more avoidant partner who very much values

10:41

their privacy and

10:43

sees that as very important to their overall

10:46

sense of self and autonomy, we

10:49

can really easily clash there because the

10:51

anxious person can become very suspicious

10:54

of the avoidant person's

10:56

attachment to privacy. And

10:59

so, yeah, there's some work

11:01

to do there around figuring out like what is

11:03

a healthy boundary because the

11:06

anxious partner's unlikely to

11:09

have a baseline respect for privacy

11:12

or understanding of why privacy is

11:15

like valid or reasonable or important because

11:18

it is just likely to be seen as so

11:20

threatening for them. Okay, number 16. You

11:23

are hyper-attuned to subtle changes in

11:25

your partner's mood or energy. So

11:28

this is both a blessing and a curse,

11:31

right? This level of,

11:33

you know, emotional, being really emotionally

11:35

tapped in, being

11:37

able to really read the room and feel

11:39

the energy and sense

11:41

if there's a shift in someone's state,

11:45

that's not a bad thing, right? There's

11:47

a level of like empathy and skill in that

11:50

that allows you to really connect with people and allows

11:52

people to feel really seen. The

11:55

trouble is, when we're anxiously

11:57

attached people, we can kind of get carried

11:59

away. with the interpretation of

12:02

what we are then perceiving.

12:04

So you might notice there's a shift

12:06

and that might be accurate that there has been a shift

12:08

in the energy or the mood but

12:11

then the meaning making tends to be

12:13

catastrophic right. So it's okay

12:16

like my partner's gone a bit

12:18

quiet that might just

12:20

be because they're tired it's quite innocuous

12:22

but for the anxiously attached person it's

12:24

likely to be there's something wrong they're

12:26

angry at me they're upset something's happened

12:28

and so it's

12:30

that interpretation that meaning-making step

12:33

where anxiously attached people tend to

12:35

leave themselves astray and

12:37

go into those spirals and then

12:39

you know become quite distressed by

12:41

it and feel the need to

12:43

probe or problem-solve or fix you

12:46

know pest their partner what's wrong no tell

12:48

me what's wrong I can tell there's something

12:50

wrong that sort of pattern so

12:54

it's important to to recognize that within

12:56

yourself and try and find some

12:59

boundaries around not

13:02

taking those interpretations to the extreme

13:04

when you don't really have not

13:07

only the evidence to support it but when

13:09

it doesn't really need to be a problem that

13:11

you have to solve urgently even though that's how

13:13

it can feel okay number 17 you fear

13:16

your partner leaving

13:18

you for someone better so you know

13:20

this is interwoven with so many of

13:22

the other things that we've talked about

13:25

jealousy low self-worth comparison fear

13:27

of abandonment you know this

13:29

general sense of the

13:31

relationship is always on a nice edge and

13:33

there's always these looming lurking

13:36

threats and so we need to

13:38

you know be protecting against that

13:41

and one of the obvious threats is outsiders

13:43

so you know

13:46

whether that's I think I touched on you like

13:48

colleagues or exes or friends or

13:50

just other people really

13:53

this sense of they're gonna

13:55

leave me and it's gonna be for someone

13:57

better and I need to like

14:00

try and make myself

14:02

better so that that doesn't happen or try

14:06

and dampen down parts of

14:09

myself that I consider to be

14:11

flaws or unacceptable or unlovable so

14:13

that my partner doesn't leave me for someone

14:15

else who doesn't have those same things. So

14:18

that's very much a

14:21

lingering fear for anxiously attached people is

14:23

that given the chance their partner will

14:25

leave them for someone else or someone

14:27

else so to speak. Okay number 18

14:29

is you feel rejected if your partner

14:31

devotes time to other relationships or areas

14:33

of life. So anxiously attached

14:35

people will very happily devote the vast majority

14:37

of their time and energy to their

14:40

partner and their relationship. That is

14:42

a very comfortable default position and

14:44

often you'll be quite

14:46

happy to turn down other invitations so

14:48

as to prioritise time spent with your partner or

14:51

even just to make yourself available on the

14:53

off chance that your partner wants to spend time with

14:55

you or someone they are dating even. So

14:58

there can be this you know

15:01

like difficulty understanding why

15:03

your partner wouldn't want to do the same. Why wouldn't they

15:05

want to spend every waking moment with you. If you loved

15:08

me that's what you would want right. So

15:10

because of that it's easy for people

15:13

with anxious patterns to feel hurt or rejected

15:15

if their partner wants to do things separately.

15:18

So if they want to catch up with friends

15:20

and they just want to have that

15:22

time with their friends and not with you. Whereas

15:25

your preference might be either to spend time

15:27

with them or spend time with other people

15:29

and have them there as well. There

15:32

might just not be a scenario

15:34

in which you would prefer separation

15:36

over togetherness. Whereas for

15:38

I would say certainly avoidant

15:40

partners but also secure partners they might

15:43

have a very legitimate desire to actually

15:45

just spend time you know in different

15:47

areas of their life or you know devoting

15:50

time to hobbies or co-workers or

15:52

something that doesn't involve you and

15:55

having a level of space around

15:57

that. A

16:01

friend. Again, it's almost like this,

16:03

the privacy thing. it can feel suspicious.

16:06

As someone with access to happen

16:08

so. Recognizing

16:11

that that. Can be a

16:13

perfectly normal and healthy thing about

16:15

Mr. Thornton. It's not something the

16:17

neatest necessarily. take personally and make

16:19

a lot of meaning out of.

16:21

With a number nineteen is

16:23

he flint healthy, consistent and

16:25

available? Would be partners

16:28

boring scientists talk for foreign

16:30

this all about. this is

16:33

subconscious drive towards people who

16:35

are. Really? Good at at

16:37

lighting up all. Of those three

16:39

years, all of those old

16:42

pathways within new around working.

16:44

Really hard to someone's attention,

16:46

or if finding that inconsistency

16:48

to be quite exhilarating. And

16:51

addictive even though it's causing a lot

16:53

of stress. As for a lot of

16:55

excess and such, people die here This

16:57

summer months is like. This.

17:00

The healthy people people who are available.

17:03

Who are interested in me? His show that

17:05

interests you are in a sustained. Way I

17:07

doesn't do anything for me, doesn't

17:09

like me up and. I

17:11

don't feel excited to talk to them.

17:14

Will go on dates with them bitches.

17:16

Yeah, I'm only interested to the people

17:18

who don't give me that who leave

17:21

me guessing all make me work for

17:23

it. And

17:25

twenty six. Think that that is, you

17:27

know it's a big pot, is just having.

17:30

New programming around. What?

17:33

Love. Looks and feels. Like

17:36

Am and when. We use to

17:38

sell up to lot of strategies around. All

17:41

of those things working really hard, stealing

17:43

to prove ourselves, td to prove our

17:45

worse. And when that's what we're accustomed

17:47

to, then that's kind of what. We

17:50

feel most comfortable with whom were

17:52

in that similarly his own soil.

17:54

They can be a certain recalibration

17:56

that needs to happen them for

17:58

you to. You

18:00

know how to be in relationship with

18:03

someone who doesn't take you

18:05

on that roller coaster ride and still learn

18:08

to get a lot out of that and

18:10

to appreciate the stability and appreciate the security

18:12

and the sense of peace

18:14

and calm that comes with that rather than

18:16

being addicted to the chaos of unavailability

18:19

and inconsistency. Okay. And

18:22

last but not least, you believe that changing yourself

18:24

will make your partner love you more. So

18:27

this is very much kind of at

18:29

the heart of codependency.

18:32

Not that codependency and anxious attachment are the same

18:34

thing, but I think in the Venn diagram there'd

18:36

be a good degree of overlap between

18:39

anxiously attached people and people who

18:42

find themselves in codependent patterns in

18:44

their relationship. So

18:46

this sense of whatever

18:48

problems I perceive as existing in the

18:50

relationship or in my partner, whatever behaviors

18:53

are theirs, I see as

18:55

being an issue or I want to change. There's

18:58

a part of me that thinks that if I

19:00

can change myself, then that will change them and

19:03

the way they are towards me. So,

19:06

you know, really just

19:08

assigning so much responsibility to

19:10

ourselves to make everything better. And,

19:13

you know, if I change the way I look

19:16

or the way that I dress

19:18

or the way I act or, you

19:20

know, the things I say or

19:22

don't say, then all

19:24

of these things that I want will become available. Then

19:27

they'll show up for me. Then they'll be loving towards

19:29

me. Then, you know, they won't

19:33

lie to me anymore or whatever the things might

19:35

be. Right. Obviously, there's a

19:37

huge spectrum of how that could play out.

19:40

And you know, some are obviously on

19:43

more extreme ends of the spectrum in

19:45

terms of really unhealthy dysfunctional dynamics. But

19:49

this sense of like, if

19:51

I can just change myself, then that will

19:53

change you or that will change our relationship

19:56

for the better. And

19:59

Obviously that can lead to that. You down a

20:01

rabbit hole as and less in

20:03

shape shifting, people pleasing, performing strivings

20:05

am trying to earn loves them

20:08

and trying to change yourself to

20:10

elicit some sort of outcome with

20:12

the obvious consequence that you end

20:15

up really not knowing see you

20:17

are and not having increase sense

20:19

of that and having pretty. Decimated

20:23

selfless as a result. So.

20:27

We're all in the hopes that that's gonna make

20:29

you feel worthy and deserving. Of Love

20:31

and Spoiler Alert. Oftentimes most of

20:33

the time I would say that

20:36

doesn't work. And then.

20:38

You feel unworthy, an undeserving

20:40

of love because despite your

20:42

best efforts, despite having tried

20:44

so hard, It

20:47

still didn't answer That can

20:49

actually reinforce also feelings that

20:51

charge of I space. In

20:54

assists size. Can

20:56

be a really really painful dynamic

20:59

him and it's one that I

21:01

is certainly played into in the

21:03

past and very glad to say

21:05

mostly doesn't doesn't really come up

21:07

for me any more beds and

21:10

that's something that we relate to

21:12

know that it's really, really unfortunately

21:14

common among folks who thinks this

21:16

attachment in his beat plotters. Why

21:18

building selfless and Nystrom the Canucks

21:21

into yourself such a be part

21:23

of that healing journey. Okay that

21:25

was thought to that was eleven to

21:27

twenty on the twenty traits least. I

21:30

really hope. To that was hopeful for you

21:32

I hope to that's to give any some

21:34

more insight into So. And

21:37

your patterns and what tried them in

21:39

that he a big wave or tapestries

21:41

that his axis attachment. because it is

21:43

so much more than just listing out

21:45

a couple of headline traits we can

21:47

see hell of those you tinder was

21:49

a brand says they'll try to connect

21:52

in the speaks were both it does

21:54

really start to make sense when we

21:56

has a high yeah that makes sense

21:58

in the context as apps And

22:00

that fear or that insecurity and

22:02

that drive this behaviour, I think

22:04

that having that

22:07

context for ourselves really

22:09

allows us to not only access

22:11

more compassion, but more understanding

22:15

and allows us to in turn

22:17

be more proactive about, okay, I don't

22:19

have to feel overwhelmed by this in

22:22

a really frozen abstract way of just,

22:24

there's something wrong with me and I'm broken and I'm

22:26

bad at relationships and I always do this. When

22:29

we start to be able to fill in the blanks a

22:31

little and kind of flush it

22:33

out, give some colour to that, I

22:36

think that allows us to feel much more

22:38

empowered to start making shifts in the

22:40

right direction. So as

22:43

I said, I really hope that it's been helpful. And

22:45

if these points resonated with

22:47

you, if you're nodding

22:49

along and feeling very seen, then

22:52

as I said, I would love to see you

22:54

inside healing, anxious attachment, when doors open in a

22:56

few days time and do make sure to jump

22:58

on the wait list if you want to access

23:01

an explosive pricing and bonuses.

23:03

So thanks guys so much

23:05

for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again

23:07

next week. Thanks

23:11

for joining me for this episode of

23:13

On Attachment. If you want to go

23:15

deeper on all things attachment, love and

23:17

relationships, you can find me on Instagram

23:19

at Stephanie. And if you enjoyed this

23:21

episode, I'd be so grateful to have

23:24

you here. Be

23:26

careful, you can leave a review in a five-star rating.

23:28

It really does help so much. Thanks

23:30

again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.