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2:57

We think like among it was good

3:01

to have my face on the cover because it

3:03

had elements of my story. And while

3:05

I do tell stories about me and Radley in this book,

3:07

this book is not about our relationship or

3:10

about our experience. It's about relationships,

3:12

and so I didn't want this to ever feel

3:14

like a book of I've mastered

3:17

relationships. Look how perfect my relationship

3:19

is. Learn from me, That's not what

3:22

this book is. This book, like

3:25

all my other work, is me studying

3:27

something, me coaching clients,

3:29

working with people, and then trying

3:31

to extract the lessons and saying,

3:34

here's what I learned by watching, observing,

3:36

coaching, researching, And

3:39

I felt that I wanted something bold

3:41

and beautiful on the cover that almost

3:43

felt like you were part of a movement as well.

3:46

And I thought, how beautiful would it be that millions

3:49

of people across the world, billions of people are going

3:51

to see the word love every day in a very

3:53

bold, beautiful way. And even

3:55

if that just even if they don't buy the book, but

3:58

it injects some love into the world. I

4:00

think that's a good thing. Yeah.

4:01

I was curious about why a book on relationships

4:04

and love? I mean, you could have done so many different

4:06

things after you know, your first book and

4:08

then the second book of quotes, But why love

4:10

in relationships?

4:11

What could I have done? Tell me? I want to know what should

4:13

I have written about best.

4:15

Hair, how

4:17

to crush entrepreneurship? I

4:20

feel like it makes sense. But you

4:22

know, when I think about love and relationships,

4:25

it's like a very kind of narrow

4:28

focus when you usually are so broad your life.

4:30

You're a purpose coach. You could it on purpose.

4:32

Yeah, So I have no and I really

4:34

appreciate that. And I think for me,

4:37

I've always talked about how there are four

4:40

important decisions you make in life,

4:43

and this is something that I developed a

4:45

few years ago. The first decision

4:47

is how do you feel about yourself? That

4:49

is one of the most important decisions you make

4:51

every single day, when you look in the mirror,

4:54

when you wake up, when you're talk into

4:56

your partner, when you're talking to a friend, what

4:58

do I feel about myself? The

5:00

second most important question or

5:02

the second most important decision we make every day

5:05

or what we do, is who we choose

5:07

to give our love to and who we choose

5:10

to receive love from. The

5:12

third most important decision we make in life is

5:14

what do we do for money? And how do we make

5:16

money? And the fourth most important

5:18

decision we make in life is who

5:21

do I serve? And how do I serve? How do I contribute

5:23

back to the world. And so I

5:28

am working through writing a book on each

5:30

decision and after

5:33

answering, think like a monk answers the decision

5:35

of how do I feel about myself? That's what it's

5:37

dedicated to. I

5:39

was just sitting down with so many friends,

5:41

so many clients, so many people

5:45

where their relationship was the

5:47

cause of their greatest pain and suffering.

5:49

So I knew people who were incredible entrepreneurs,

5:52

but their relationship was on the back

5:54

burner and they didn't feel fulfilled. Or

5:57

I knew people who were starting

5:59

something all up, but because they didn't

6:01

have a partner, they didn't feel complete.

6:03

Or I knew people who'd got

6:06

divorced and broken up and they had a beautiful relationship

6:08

with their kids, they had great friends,

6:11

but they still felt inadequate

6:14

because they weren't in a relationship. And so I

6:16

just saw relationship is like the core

6:18

of so much human happiness. And

6:22

when I interviewed Dr Robert Waldinger, he talked

6:24

about how this seventy five year study

6:26

at Harvard, he's the fourth professor

6:28

to complete the study. I think he

6:30

just told me it's now eighty five years. They've

6:33

been looking at humans and

6:35

watching humans lives for eighty five years,

6:37

and the number one thing

6:40

that human happiness came down to was the quality

6:42

of our relationships. And so I felt,

6:44

as someone who loved serving

6:46

and supporting people, I couldn't avoid this topic.

6:49

And I think I was drawn to it because of my

6:51

own mistakes in the space. My own

6:53

success is in the space and looking

6:56

at both those around.

6:57

Me, something you and Roddy

6:59

have talked about. I thought would be a beautiful way to sort of

7:01

start the conversation was kind of understanding

7:03

the landscape for how we understand love today.

7:06

So, I know you talked a lot about Bollywood culture

7:08

and sort of like happily ever After, and I've

7:10

been thinking a lot about that too, as

7:12

far as the programming around relationships.

7:15

You know, I remember my life was

7:17

once you get married and have kids, it's like I,

7:21

you know, there wasn't any other resources or

7:23

support and I my parents separated,

7:25

and now I have so much compassion for them because I'm like,

7:27

oh my gosh, Like now I understand

7:30

what it takes to build a healthy relationship

7:32

and it's not just Happily other after.

7:35

So I'd love to talk a little bit about your

7:37

upbringing, the Bollywood experience, and sort of

7:39

where we are today as far as our understanding of love.

7:41

Yeah, So for anyone who has never watched

7:44

a Bollywood movie, Bollywood

7:46

is like Hollywood on romantic

7:48

steroids. Right, So if you take

7:50

a rom com and then you add

7:52

music, dancing, moil,

7:55

oh more color over dramatic stories

7:58

of love and sacrifice and surrender, you

8:00

get Bollywood. And I grew up

8:02

on Bollywood and Hollywood movies, and

8:04

to me, I loved rom coms growing up,

8:07

like I loved rom coms, and I think that's a big impact

8:09

of my mom, like watching rom coms at

8:11

home and you know, us getting together and

8:13

watching them and me wanting that kind

8:15

of fairy tale love. And I can definitely

8:18

admit openly that I wanted a fairy

8:21

tale kind of love. I wanted a

8:23

rom Com kind of love because

8:25

you start to realize that that's the only images

8:28

of love that you see, and then I started

8:30

to think about other images of love I saw. My

8:33

family didn't have great relationships, so there were

8:35

no good images of love there that I could say

8:37

I want that. If anything, I was saying, I don't

8:40

want to repeat that. And then if

8:42

I looked at my friend's parents or I looked at extended

8:44

family, I didn't see any great images

8:46

of relationships there either. So the only happy

8:49

relationships I saw were in movies.

8:51

So then that became my image of that's

8:53

a good love story. And

8:56

I think I pursued that and chased that a lot,

8:58

only to feel really disheartened

9:01

every time because you couldn't

9:03

recreate a movie in real life. It just wouldn't

9:06

work. And so when I talk about

9:08

my upbringing, I found a

9:10

lot of habits that

9:12

I didn't want to repeat in

9:14

my own life. I saw a lot of things that I would

9:17

never want to replicate. And I started

9:19

almost making a mental note saying,

9:21

I don't want to argue like that. I

9:24

won't behave like that, I won't

9:26

speak like that. Anything that I saw

9:28

that was hurtful or damaging. I

9:30

almost made a mental note saying I don't want

9:32

to be a part of that in my life.

9:34

I don't want that to be my behavior. And

9:37

then everything I saw in the movie is unfortunately.

9:39

I wrote a list going I want that,

9:42

I want that. So I was like I was getting fifty percent

9:44

right and then I was getting fifty percent wrong, And

9:47

you know, you have to let life humble you. I

9:49

think that's what's so beautiful about this

9:52

whole journey is that life

9:55

shows you what reality is. And

9:57

I think a lot of us are thinking, how do I get

9:59

my relationship right? Or

10:01

what did I get wrong? Or how do

10:04

I find the right person or I just met

10:06

the wrong person. And I don't think

10:08

it's about right and wrong. It's about reality,

10:10

and reality is right in the middle of right

10:12

and wrong, And so if you just go what is

10:14

the reality of what I'm experiencing?

10:17

What is the reality of what's possible? Reality

10:20

is a much healthier metric

10:22

than right or wrong.

10:24

Yeah, and I think so. In addition

10:26

to the media programming in Bollywood, there's

10:28

also social media and that can

10:30

also portray a certain type of love. So

10:33

people nowadays are figuring

10:35

out relationships from social media or

10:37

looking at social media as kind of like the new TV.

10:40

How do you think that impacts people and

10:42

their relationships And do you have any

10:44

advice for how people should sort of navigate

10:46

social media if they're looking for relationship

10:49

advice or expanders?

10:50

Yeah? Wow, what a great question, And you're right.

10:52

Social media is the updated version of wrong

10:54

comes of Bollywood movies or whatever it may have been. So

10:57

there's two sides to this. Everyone's

11:00

allowed to share and show

11:02

whatever they want to share and show of their own

11:04

relationship. It's up to you

11:07

to decipher and learn

11:10

to create distinctions

11:13

in what's reality and

11:15

what's an image that you're seeing.

11:18

And I think I like to take that responsibility

11:20

on myself because I don't

11:22

think you can expect everyone in the

11:24

world to change how they communicate. And

11:27

at the same time, when you take that responsibility

11:29

for yourself, now you're in a position of strength.

11:32

And if you're someone who has real relationships

11:35

and you're spending time connecting with real people,

11:38

you will know that every couple argues.

11:40

You will know that every couple goes

11:43

to sleep sometimes not talking to each other.

11:45

You will know that people wake up angry next

11:48

to each other. You will know that people wake up

11:50

the day after their wedding and have the worst argument

11:52

they've ever had. You know people who are about

11:54

to get married and are fighting the day before they get

11:56

married because of all the pressure and stress.

11:59

If you have old friendships and real relationships,

12:02

social media actually doesn't get

12:05

as much of a hold on your mind

12:08

as it could. Whereas I find that if we're

12:10

not investing in real friendships, in real relationships,

12:13

and no one ever tells you like I've been really fortunate.

12:15

I've always had friends that are older than me, and

12:18

I think that's been one of the biggest techniques

12:21

of growth that I've life

12:24

hacked, is that I've always had friends who

12:26

were older than me. And having friends who were older

12:28

than you meant that they made mistakes before

12:30

you they were able to share their learnings

12:32

with you. They were always ahead

12:34

of you in life decisions, so

12:37

they could come back and share their notes. And

12:39

so I had so many friends who would say to me, HEYJ like

12:42

I got married for this reason, I think that didn't work

12:44

out for me, Or hey, you know what,

12:46

I think I rushed having kids. I

12:48

wish I'd slowed that down. Or you

12:50

know, I wish me and my wife

12:52

had that conversation up front. We should

12:54

have talked about it then, not ten years later.

12:57

And so I was almost collecting

12:59

all of these great pieces of insight, and

13:02

then I was able to use their hindsight

13:04

to help me. And so again,

13:06

if you have these real friendships and real relationships

13:08

where you're vulnerable with each other and you talk about

13:10

these things, you're not using social

13:12

media as your frame of reference. You're

13:14

looking at real life human experience as

13:17

your frame of reference. In the same way as

13:19

if I see a picture of

13:21

Bali on Instagram,

13:24

or I talk to my friend who just

13:27

went to Bali, who's going to

13:29

give me a better insight

13:32

on what that experience was actually like? And

13:34

I think if you have a friend who just went

13:36

to Barali, that's who you'd go to. And that's

13:38

why I think our relationships, our depth

13:41

of connection, our vulnerability with our

13:43

friends and the people we love, saves

13:46

you from using social media as a frame of reference.

13:49

That is like the biggest facts

13:52

I want to talk about in the book, kind of moving

13:54

from the dating period to relationships

13:56

and then even breakups. So in the book,

13:58

I really loved this part about

14:00

solitude and solitude being the antidote

14:03

to loneliness. I'd love to talk about that because most people

14:05

will listen and they're like, those are

14:07

the same thing, so how are they doing?

14:09

Yeah, it was Paul Tillick who talked

14:12

about how there's a difference between being alone

14:14

and being lonely, and he talks about

14:16

how or being alone

14:18

is like the strength of being alone, but

14:22

loneliness is the weakness of being alone.

14:24

And it's really interesting that in the English dictionary

14:27

we have two words for being alone,

14:29

one's alone and one's solitude, but we never use

14:31

the words solitude. So we always

14:34

say I'm going to be alone tonight, right

14:36

we say, oh, no, I'm just going to stay in and be alone tonight.

14:39

Or if you were

14:41

at school and lots of people didn't come to your party,

14:44

you'd always be considered less popular,

14:46

a loner, aloner exactly. If you're the person

14:49

at the lunch table who's sitting alone, you're the loner.

14:51

If you turn up to a wedding and you don't have a plus

14:53

one, it's like, oh poor you, Like when

14:56

an't you going to get married? Like when's

14:58

your turn? And

15:00

of course you know. And so that's the language.

15:02

We've made being alone

15:05

an enemy. We've made being

15:07

lonely the enemy. And we

15:09

all know this. This is common wisdom today

15:11

that we can all feel

15:14

surrounded by so many people and

15:16

still feel disconnected. That's

15:18

what we all experience pretty much every single

15:21

day. So being alone doesn't mean

15:24

Being alone is not defined by your physical

15:26

proximity to people. Being

15:28

alone is defined by how well you understand

15:31

yourself and how well others

15:33

understand you. If you don't

15:35

feel understood by your friends, you will

15:37

feel alone. If you don't feel you

15:39

understand yourself, you will feel

15:41

lonely. So solitude is

15:43

a space you create to

15:46

take the time to get to know yourself.

15:48

And I know that sounds strange. It's like, what do you mean

15:51

I need to get to know myself? Shouldn't

15:53

I just know myself, don't I just know myself,

15:56

and I equate this to something

15:59

I learned during my time as a month.

16:01

Are going to say, this is monk vibes.

16:02

Yeah, it is. It is full of monk vibes,

16:04

And the book starts with that, because I

16:07

do feel like the only reason I'm able to

16:09

have a healthier relationship with Radi

16:11

today is because she's

16:14

the only person in the world who's experienced me after

16:16

living three years as a monk. So

16:18

she's the only person I've been with after that experience,

16:21

and anything that I'm

16:23

trying to get right in my current relationship

16:25

comes from what I learned during that time. And

16:28

so there's this beautiful

16:30

experience that I had where on my first

16:32

day when I became a monk or monks school,

16:35

I see a ten or eleven

16:37

year old teaching like six year

16:39

olds how to meditate or they're

16:42

doing a class, and I'm wondering

16:44

what's going on, and so I'm, you know, peaking

16:47

and trying to figure it out. And then I go

16:49

up to the teacher who's you know,

16:51

ten eleven years old afterwards and I'm like, what

16:53

did you just teach them? And he said, oh, that's

16:55

their first day of school, and I was like, amazing, what

16:57

did you teach them? And he said, well, what did you learn on your

16:59

fast they of school? And I was like, ABC's

17:02

and one, two, three, maybe, like maybe I don't

17:04

I can't even remember. And he said,

17:06

well, I was teaching them how to breathe. And

17:08

I was like, what do you mean, You're teaching them how to breathe,

17:11

like we just breathe, and he said, well, think

17:13

about it. He said, the only thing that stays

17:15

with you from the moment you're born to the

17:17

moment you die is your breath. He

17:20

goes, when you're happy, what changes your

17:22

breath? When you're sad, what changes

17:25

your breath? When you're ecstatic?

17:27

What changes your breath when you're nervous? What changes

17:29

your breath? He goes. Your breath is interconnected

17:32

to every emotion in life. So

17:35

when you learn to navigate your breath, you

17:37

learn to navigate life. And I was just thinking

17:41

that just blew my mind at

17:43

the time, and it still does today and even

17:45

now I think about how every emotion

17:47

we say, well that's breath taking. You

17:50

just took my breath away, Like everything

17:52

is related to the breath. So similarly, everything

17:55

is related to the self. So just as

17:57

simple as it sounds, of like you should learn how

17:59

to breathe. That's how I feel when

18:01

I say you should spend time alone. It

18:04

sounds really basic and obvious, but

18:06

there is a whole wisdom behind

18:08

it. And the reason I say it

18:11

is because when you get into a relationship

18:13

and you don't know yourself, what

18:16

ends up happening is ten years later you

18:18

blame that person for

18:21

taking away who you were. You

18:23

argue with them three months later and saying you

18:25

made me lose who I was. But

18:28

you never lost who you were because you didn't know who

18:30

you were in the first place. So you adopted

18:32

all of their behaviors, all of their beliefs.

18:34

You accepted whatever love they gave you,

18:38

and then started to discover that it didn't

18:40

live up. So you could save yourself

18:42

from so much pain and so much suffering

18:44

if you started out knowing what

18:47

love meant to you, how love felt

18:49

to you, what love looked like to you.

18:52

Yeah, I think so, I guess even going on that,

18:54

like, how can people really think

18:56

about that? Because I've thought about this a lot, where

18:59

I don't know how much people really understand

19:01

what true love is like, unconditional

19:04

love is so rare, and I'm even someone

19:06

that I just did a darkness retreat last

19:08

week and.

19:09

Oh so cool.

19:09

It was so cool, very psychological,

19:13

but in it I was like, do I know unconditional

19:16

love like the love of the

19:18

Creator. Yes, but still

19:20

sometimes feels conditional. So

19:23

how can people really figure out

19:26

what love is for them and how love feels?

19:29

Yeah, I break it down

19:31

into three key areas and my

19:33

and I recommend everyone defines love. I think what was

19:35

beautiful about ancient

19:38

traditions And when you look at

19:40

the word, we only use one

19:42

word to describe love, love,

19:45

And what's fascinating about that word is someone

19:48

could say I love you and it means

19:50

they want to spend their life with you. And

19:52

someone could say I love you and it means I want to spend

19:54

one night with you. Like literally, it can be that

19:57

extremely different. And

19:59

so the chat is when someone says I love

20:01

you, you don't stop to ask them, Hey, well, what do you

20:03

mean? Do you mean tonight? Do

20:05

you mean today?

20:07

You mean for the first time?

20:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

20:11

yeah, what do you mean? J told me to ask

20:13

you what you mean, and we

20:15

don't do that. And I'm not asking you to do

20:18

that in that moment. But it is interesting that

20:20

when someone says I love you,

20:22

you accept their words, but

20:25

you're really accepting your meaning

20:28

of love. Right

20:30

If someone says I love you, you're

20:31

actually saying, oh, I think they mean what

20:34

I mean by love, and now they love me, and

20:36

then you say I love you back, which means you're projecting

20:38

your definition onto them and

20:41

you never had a conversation about what it meant. So

20:43

for me, I've defined love and I share this in the book,

20:45

and I share exercises in eight Rules

20:47

of Love of how to answer each section.

20:50

I define love with three key areas. One

20:53

is you like their personality. It's the

20:55

most obvious basic form of love.

20:58

Is that I enjoy their company, I

21:00

enjoy being around them. I genuinely

21:02

appreciate spending time with them. I

21:05

maybe admire some qualities that

21:07

they have now that you could

21:09

feel for a lot of people. So that

21:11

in itself is not love. And I

21:13

think that's the challenge. Christ that the

21:15

challenge we have is that we see

21:18

attraction as love, or

21:21

we accept validation as

21:23

love, so we're almost taking

21:26

payments in attention pretending

21:29

that it's love. Does that make sense? Yeah,

21:31

And so the receipt doesn't says love. The receipt says

21:34

attention. But we got paid as

21:36

if we were like, oh no, no, But that person loves me because they give

21:38

me attention, they give me validation, they

21:41

complemented controlled.

21:43

It's like they're doing everything I want exactly.

21:46

I love that answer.

21:47

Only when they're like doing everything I want,

21:49

saying what I want, do I love them.

21:51

Yeah or yeah or ownership? They take

21:53

care of everything. I don't have to think about

21:55

anything. I accept that as love.

21:58

And so that in a of itself

22:00

is not enough, but it is a pillar.

22:03

And I think what happens is christa is that we

22:05

want to accelerate attraction

22:08

or liking someone into

22:11

love so fast that

22:13

we don't want to do the unsexy,

22:16

uncool, uninteresting work

22:18

of actually falling in love with someone or building

22:20

love with someone. The second part

22:23

of my definition is that

22:25

you respect their

22:27

values. Now this I'll

22:29

go deeper, because everyone always hes about respect. What

22:31

I mean by respecting their values is

22:34

you don't want to change them. You

22:36

actually respect why they

22:38

live their life the way they do and

22:41

how they live the life the way they do. You're not

22:43

trying to change or transform

22:45

what they care about. You love what they care about

22:47

because you see it brings them joy. In

22:49

mind of my wife's relationship, it took me a while

22:51

to understand. So my wife's number one priority

22:54

is her family. Family is her biggest

22:56

value. And you've interviewed her, and you know,

22:59

you guys know each other, and my

23:02

value is my purpose. Like it's

23:04

very clearly, my purpose, very

23:06

clear, and I've always known

23:08

that. My wife's known that from day one, and I've known hers from

23:11

day one, so it helps. But

23:13

my wife has never tried to make my

23:15

number one value family, and

23:17

I've never tried to make her number one value

23:19

purpose. It just won't work. Her

23:22

family is her purpose, that's how she would see it, and

23:24

I would see my work is my purpose.

23:26

And so the point is that you have to

23:28

respect each other's value in

23:30

order to truly have love. And I find most

23:33

people like someone's personality

23:35

and they don't respect their value, so they're trying to

23:37

change their values. They're like, I want your value to be

23:39

me, I want your value to be my family.

23:42

I want your value to be travel, I want

23:44

your value to be this. Like you're trying

23:46

to control someone's values, not love and

23:48

then the third and final step of my definition

23:50

of love that I share in the book is wanting

23:53

to help someone towards their

23:55

goals. Wanting to support

23:57

someone towards their goals. That is real

24:00

love. Like I may like a lot of people, I

24:02

may respect what they value, but there's very few people

24:04

in the world that I'm going to say, I'm

24:06

going to stand with you and I'm going to make

24:08

sure you get to where you want to go, whatever that

24:10

may be. That requires the greatest

24:13

commitment to someone in saying, not

24:15

just like a friend, like I'll help you out network and I'll

24:17

connect, Not that kind of thing. I'm dedicated.

24:20

My life is dedicated to helping you get to your goals,

24:23

and I know you're going to help me back to mine.

24:25

I still recommend everyone comes up with their own definition

24:27

of love. I talk about in the book how the

24:30

Greeks. The ancient Greeks had seven different

24:32

words for love. They

24:35

have family love, they have affection,

24:37

they have passionate love. They define

24:40

it. But today we just put it all into

24:42

one. And so if someone pays us a compliment

24:44

and they're kind, we're like, oh, they love me, They're really

24:46

great, They're wonderful people and

24:48

we halo effect qualities, so

24:50

we take one quality that someone has and

24:52

we blow it up and go, they must be great at everything.

24:55

Yeah. I think with love too, it's like in the social

24:57

media world, you're like love you love think

25:00

it's a girl thing too, or like love you love you love

25:02

you, and it just kind of.

25:03

I'm like that too.

25:04

I mean, we're all it's like we do. And then I'm like, but I want

25:06

to love everyone? But how am

25:08

I saying this to my husband? And then like personal

25:10

online? But I think it's interesting listening to what

25:12

you were saying because you could really see how clearly it's

25:15

or how important it is to know yourself because

25:18

if you don't know your values, if you

25:20

don't know your goals, you're going to get really lost

25:22

within trying to find a definition. I'm

25:24

curious what you think about this, and I don't even

25:26

really have an answer. But for people that are dating,

25:29

what do you think about the spark? Like do you think

25:31

there needs to be a spark when people

25:33

start or do you think there needs to be butterflies?

25:35

Yeah? So I've really looked into

25:37

this because I've been fascinated

25:39

by this a lot and I've

25:42

also been friends with guys who

25:44

feel the spark every week with a different person.

25:46

So I've had a ton of guys that I mentored

25:48

and worked with who literally would come back to me every week

25:51

every month and be like, I just felt

25:53

the spark at the gym, you know, I just felt the spark

25:55

at the bar. I just and then just find a new

25:57

person to have a spark with. Is that similar with

25:59

women?

26:00

With women? Yeah, I think we romanticize

26:02

things a little bit more. And I think

26:05

it's interesting because I'm sure men is that physical

26:07

attraction, you know, really like that testosterone,

26:09

or maybe there's like a biological component,

26:11

But I think for women, it's like the spark and then

26:13

the story, yes, kind of the fantasy

26:15

goes. So I think they're very different in the way that

26:18

they go. But I don't

26:20

think women feel the spark as much as the men got

26:22

it.

26:22

Okay, Yeah, and that was my I wanted to get that

26:24

sense because I have a similar show for every single

26:26

one, of course, and I'm not trying

26:28

to make gender stereotypes either. I'm

26:31

just saying from my experience of speaking

26:33

to people that there's been a lot of people who I've

26:35

met a lot of men who feel that way, yes,

26:37

and so I was really interested. I started looking into it. What

26:39

the science showed, which I do find fascinating, was

26:41

that when you meet someone

26:43

that you feel that spark with or chemistry,

26:46

there is actually something chemical happening.

26:48

And what's happening is that your excitement level

26:50

is high. Ooh that's a new person, but

26:53

your stress level is high. Do they like me?

26:56

So you're experiencing excitement and stress

26:58

at the same time. So like they're hot.

27:01

Do they think I'm hot? Excitement? Stress?

27:03

Yes? Oh my gosh, Like are

27:05

they coming over here? Excitement? Oh no, what do

27:07

I say? Stress? Oh no, I

27:10

have their number? So exciting? Oh

27:12

wait, they have a message back in two hours,

27:14

right, Like it's so you're feeling excitement and stress

27:17

and what ends up happening. This really

27:19

really, at least blew my mind and was very

27:21

fascinating for me. So you're feeling excitement

27:23

and stress. Now as you get to know

27:25

that person, they give

27:28

you a sense of comfort. So

27:30

what happens is the stress

27:32

decreases. Now

27:34

you don't get that same spark anymore

27:36

because your stress levels

27:38

have gone down around them, because they

27:41

actually help calm you down. Because

27:43

you have a relationship now and

27:45

then we think the spark just went away, but

27:47

actually the stress just went away. So

27:49

I just want you to think about that for a second. Anytime

27:51

you have thought the spark went away, it

27:54

didn't. The stress went away of

27:56

meeting someone new. And actually,

27:58

if your stress has gone away, answers are that person's

28:00

good for you because they've helped calm you down

28:03

because now you feel safe around them. When

28:06

you're first attracted to someone and you don't know whether

28:08

they like you, you feel unsafe.

28:10

Right everyone knows what it feels like to go out

28:12

on a limb and text someone and wait a day to have

28:15

it back. You feel unsafe, but that feels

28:17

exciting, whereas now

28:19

two months later you feel safe with them. You lost

28:21

the excitement. So it's not about whether you

28:23

feel a spark or you don't feel a spark.

28:26

Whether you feel a spark or you don't, it has

28:28

to be followed up with skills in

28:30

a relationship, and I think that's where people

28:33

go wrong. People think, if we have the spark, we

28:35

don't need anything else. And if I

28:37

don't have the spark, it doesn't matter how

28:39

many skills this person has. This

28:41

can't work, and I think it's both.

28:44

I think there's a need for chemistry,

28:46

compatibility and connection,

28:49

and often we just take chemistry

28:52

and hope that that's gonna last, and

28:55

chemically that's not gonna last. Yeah,

28:58

and therefore from a feeling point of view, it won't asked.

29:00

And so I think the more we focus on compatibility

29:03

and connection, the healthier

29:05

a relationship can be. Now, if someone

29:07

just says all I want to feel is sparks, then

29:10

great. You should move from lots of three month

29:12

relationships consistently and

29:14

that will fulfill you. But if you're someone who's

29:16

saying I want a long term relationship, please

29:18

focus on the skills and the tools,

29:21

because that's what's really needed. It's almost

29:24

like the difference between saying I'm

29:26

really attracted to this apartment versus

29:30

I'm attracted to it, but I can also vision

29:32

where this could go, right, Like, I

29:35

have a vision for how this could be.

29:37

Yes. On the flip side of that, do

29:39

you think that people should marry

29:41

their best friend?

29:42

Ooh, that's a good question. I've never been asked

29:44

that before. I

29:47

don't think you can just marry

29:49

your best friend category.

29:52

Yeah, I mean, just being straight up like, I don't think

29:54

that that's again a good enough reason,

29:57

because being friends and

29:59

being in love are two very different things,

30:02

just like being friends and being in business

30:05

are two very different things. When you add the

30:07

energy of money or you add

30:09

the energy of love, there's

30:11

different expectations, there's different

30:14

commitments. If you don't talk to your friend

30:16

for a couple of weeks and you catch up, you feel like you had

30:18

the best conversation ever. In a relationship,

30:21

your partner may need more attention than

30:23

that. In your friendship,

30:26

you may be more forgiving because

30:29

at the end of the day, you don't have to wake up next to that person

30:32

every single day and sleeping

30:34

next to them every night. When you're in a relationship,

30:36

you're seeing that person all the time. It's different expectations.

30:38

So again, I think what we like to do is simplify

30:41

and go, Okay, well, if we got this part of our life right,

30:43

we can get this part of our life right. And it doesn't

30:45

work that way because you're always infusing

30:48

a new energy when

30:50

you add an element to your relationship,

30:52

and it truly appris in business, it truly applies

30:55

in love. And I think a friendship

30:57

can be a beautiful foundation for

31:00

a great relationship. But I

31:02

think assuming that it already

31:05

is is where we go wrong. Does

31:08

that satisfy you or do you want to dig into that? No?

31:10

I agree with you, It's like, yeah, it's again

31:12

I think thinking about how do people define it, because

31:15

for some people they might define best

31:17

friends as you know, it might be something

31:20

where they want the comfort of that and they actually don't want

31:22

that sparky

31:24

chemistry part. So thinking

31:26

about how people define it. But I'm not exactly

31:29

you know sure. The truth I

31:31

was thinking about this before, and

31:33

I think it's something that a lot of people in my life

31:35

have been experiencing, is like the growing apart

31:38

of being in a long term relationship and

31:41

two people that come together at

31:43

a different period in time in their life and then they find

31:46

themselves after however many years, being like what

31:48

the heck like, we're so we've

31:50

grown apart, and there's like a beauty

31:53

in that, and then there's also can be really scary because

31:55

you're like, Okay, what are we going to do? Are we going to choose

31:57

to grow together? So I'd love to talk a little bit about

31:59

growing apart versus growing together.

32:01

Yeah, I have a whole section in the book called

32:04

you Know, almost like you have to make

32:06

that choice to either elevate

32:09

or separate. And I

32:11

think that couples

32:13

that want to last the test of time. And

32:15

first, actually, let's take it back a little bit. First

32:18

of all, I don't think length

32:21

of time should be used as a metric

32:23

of success of a relationship. I think that's

32:26

a really unhealthy way often of

32:28

gauging the success of a relationship. I

32:32

knew someone who was married

32:34

for like fourteen years, and then when

32:36

they got divorced, everyone was so shocked,

32:39

But anyone who knew them closely knew that they

32:41

were struggling for ten years already,

32:44

and so really it was a four year relationship, ten

32:46

years of pain. And then there was a divorce

32:48

followed by that, and so I was like, oh my god, they were

32:50

together for fourteen years. I never thought that

32:52

would happen to them. It's like, well, no, it wasn't fourteen

32:54

years. It's four years and ten years of pain.

32:56

And so I think we have to start looking at

32:59

how long was an actual relationship

33:01

and a connection versus how long is

33:03

a marriage or a partnership, which

33:05

are often wildly

33:07

different. Now, if

33:09

someone does want a

33:11

long term relationship with someone. If

33:14

that is your definition of love and success

33:16

in a relationship, you're

33:18

going to have to grow together multiple times.

33:22

And here's the hardest part. You

33:24

always grow at different times. So

33:27

everyone grows at a different time, at

33:29

a different pace in their own

33:31

way, and it rarely

33:33

happens that you're growing at the same time, at

33:35

the same pace, in the same way. So

33:38

now you've got one of your partners going off on

33:40

their journey. So I'm someone

33:42

who you know, was very

33:44

aware about my passion, my purpose, what

33:46

I wanted to do in the world. And when I met rather,

33:49

she was extremely talented.

33:51

She's always been extremely gifted, but

33:54

she didn't necessarily know what her

33:56

purpose was or her passion

33:58

was. And so it's really interesting

34:00

for me watching her in

34:03

that discovery, and that

34:05

requires patience on my part, It

34:07

requires support, and

34:10

it requires openness because

34:13

she has to find her own path. Now she's had to do

34:15

the same with me. When she met me, she was

34:17

already healthy, she ate well,

34:19

she worked out, she puts in the hours.

34:22

I was like staying up late to work. I

34:24

was, yeah,

34:26

I was staying up late to work. I

34:28

was. I love eating fried food, I

34:31

love like sugar I was addicted to sugar

34:33

when I met her, and so it's like

34:35

I was also learning in a different part of my life.

34:38

Just because I figured out my purpose and my mindset doesn't

34:40

mean I figured out everything in life. And so she

34:42

had to be patient with me. So Riley, He's given me

34:44

so many insights on how to improve my health

34:46

and how to have better like work,

34:49

hygiene, and so many other things that I've gained

34:51

from her. And I think that the

34:54

challenge that most people have is ego. We

34:57

don't want to learn from our partners

35:00

because it almost makes us feel

35:02

weak, and it puts them in a position of

35:04

superiority, not realizing

35:06

that when you can trade. And

35:09

I have a whole section in this book, a chapter

35:11

called your Partner is Your Guru, and

35:13

it's this idea of if you really love someone,

35:16

chances are they have something to teach you, and

35:19

if they can teach you in a way that isn't

35:21

preachy, isn't projecting,

35:24

and isn't critical. And if we

35:27

can be that for our partners, you

35:29

can grow together endlessly. Now

35:31

if you feel you've grown together, you've learned everything

35:33

you possibly can from your partner. Now there's

35:35

no more learning to do. It's

35:38

wonderful to grow apart, but that should

35:40

also be celebrated as a success. I

35:42

think we often use words like divorce

35:45

ended, like these words are so aggressive,

35:48

split exactly, yeah, yeah,

35:50

it was over forever likely.

35:52

You know, these words are so aggressive,

35:55

and they put this paint

35:57

this picture of animosity

36:00

of you know, of enemy

36:03

kind of feeling, not realizing

36:05

that someone could have a really healthy

36:08

as the as the you know, the famous

36:10

book like a Conscious uncoupling, Like the idea

36:12

of uncoupling is

36:14

so much more of a healthier idea for

36:16

people, And I think that's

36:18

the language we need to trade that. Yes, you

36:21

could have a wonderful relationship and

36:23

you could have a wonderful afterlife

36:25

from that relationship if you both wanted

36:28

that, And that doesn't mean the relationship failed.

36:31

It did its part. It's like you don't go

36:33

to college for three years and if you don't become a professor,

36:35

it's like, no, you failed, you failed, like you

36:37

should have become a professor. No, you

36:39

did. It served its path. Even for me when

36:42

I look at I lived as a monk.

36:44

I didn't become a monk for the rest of my life. It

36:46

served its purpose and I

36:48

think relationships have to be seen in that way

36:50

of like did it serve its purpose and

36:52

if it's done, it's done, and let's not

36:55

make people feel bad about that. You know.

36:57

Yeah, it's it's again the

37:00

Happily ever After vibe, you know, if you're

37:02

not to get and everyone's like, wow, your parents are

37:04

still together, and it's like they're

37:07

miserable or don't talk and they're not in communication

37:09

and they're not engaging and they're not connected. So

37:11

it's like, what's the point. But

37:13

it was interesting, Like just watching you and

37:15

Roddy, it's so beautiful because it's

37:18

like when you're talking to one another, you are

37:20

listening to each other as if you are the guru.

37:23

There's an openness to being taught by each other

37:26

that I feel like sometimes can get lost in relationships.

37:28

And I don't know if it's because there is a point

37:31

and the book is it could be

37:33

conscious loving by Gay Hendrix, or it could

37:35

be getting the love you want, but it talks

37:37

about how you sort of make the person your parents

37:40

and then you kind of project all the pain. So I'm wondering

37:42

if that's what happens with folks where they they are

37:44

making the person their parent, and then when you're telling them what to

37:47

do, you're like no, mom, yeah

37:49

yeah yeah.

37:50

So in this book I talk about how there

37:52

are different relationship roles and

37:55

we all slot into one of these, and I have

37:57

a test in the book that helps guide you

37:59

to figure out what you are and what your partner is.

38:02

And so these are the three roles. Everyone

38:04

who's listening, you can figure out which one you're in and

38:07

if and when you get the book, you can do the test to make sure

38:09

of it. So the first is fixer, the

38:13

second is dependent, and

38:15

the third is supporter. So

38:17

some of us are fixers. We get our value

38:20

in a relationship by trying to fix

38:22

the other person's problems. If the person

38:24

we see them as broken and we think we

38:26

can fix them, and that makes us feel good. So

38:29

we like to find projects. We like

38:31

to find people who need help and

38:33

we go and make a relationship with

38:35

them because we want to feel really powerful and strong

38:38

that we help them. What ends up happening

38:40

is that a few years down the line, we get exhausted

38:44

and then we go, oh, stop acting like a kid.

38:46

You just you don't do anything. You're not really involved,

38:48

you're not engaged, but we set them up to

38:51

be that way because that's what we wanted in the beginning.

38:54

The second is the dependent. The dependent is someone

38:56

who wants to be the child. They walk into

38:58

relationship looking for mom and dad. They

39:01

want the other person to fix everything. They

39:03

want to find someone who's going to take care of all their

39:05

needs, provide for everything they need, take

39:08

care of them mentally, emotionally, maybe

39:10

even financially. And we go therein

39:12

like a little kid. What ends up happening?

39:15

You drain the other person that

39:17

doesn't end so well. And the third

39:19

one is the supporter. The supporter goes

39:23

real love and real support

39:27

is I'm going to help you develop

39:30

the skills you need to take

39:32

care of yourself. I'm

39:34

not going to take care of you. What

39:36

is care? Is care me saying to you I'm

39:39

going to take care of you? Or is real

39:41

care? I'm going to help you learn the

39:44

skills to take care of yourself. That's

39:46

real love, that's real care. Like I

39:49

believe in you so much that I want you to

39:51

have the tools and skills, and I'm gonna help

39:53

you. I'm gonna guide you, I'm gonna introduce

39:55

you to things, whatever you need so that you feel

39:58

safe whether I'm here

40:00

or not. That's love. One

40:02

day I may die before you. If you only

40:05

feel safe when I'm alive next to you, that's

40:07

not love. Love is I'm going to protect

40:10

you by helping you protect yourself.

40:12

That's safety. Don't we want that for

40:14

our kids? Don't we want that for our partners? Like

40:17

if my kid. I don't have any kids, but if I had

40:19

kids, and if they only felt safe when I was

40:21

in the room, that wouldn't be a

40:23

win, that would be a loss because

40:25

you can't always be in the room. So I think we do that with our

40:27

partners. So a supporter says, I'm

40:30

here to help you develop the skills

40:32

you need to take care of yourself, and

40:35

I'm ready to develop the skills. I need whatever

40:38

you need to teach me to take care of myself. And

40:40

so I set that up because

40:43

the fix is almost like the parent, the

40:45

dependence like the child. And then the

40:48

supporter is the collaborative

40:50

one, the one who recognizes that the

40:52

only person who can take care of me is me, and

40:54

the only person who can take care of you is you. And

40:57

so when I help you take care of yourself and you

40:59

help me take care of me myself. That's

41:01

real care, that's real love.

41:03

How can people watch when they're

41:05

slipping into that, because that's kind

41:07

of like people go into that unconsciously. And

41:10

I've seen in relationships with myself,

41:12

I've seen in relationships with friends where you

41:15

don't even realize it's happening, and then you're like,

41:17

wait, whoa, Yeah, is

41:20

there a way that we can be more conscious

41:22

about that journey

41:24

so that you know, because it's an opportunity

41:26

for healing. That's why we do it to bring it up for healing.

41:29

So it's important that it comes up and you could even

41:31

work through it together. But how can we work

41:33

with that energy?

41:34

Yeah? So I think the first step and the reason why I put it

41:36

in the book is is this level of awareness, like

41:39

even knowing. So I'm a classic fixer.

41:41

I have that natural ability

41:43

whenever anyone's working in coaching

41:46

or it's a natural element

41:48

of wanting to help people that way. So I'm

41:51

a classic fixer. And for

41:53

so many years, in so many relationships,

41:56

I tried to solve

41:59

all of my artner's problems. Whoever I was

42:01

with, I was just trying to fix their problems.

42:03

And I wanted to be the Knight in Shining Armor,

42:06

and I wanted to be the savior and

42:08

I wanted to be that person, only

42:10

to realize they were never satisfied no

42:13

matter how much of a savior I was, because

42:15

there was always more saving to do, and

42:17

they never really fully saw me as a Knight

42:19

in Shining Armor, because now you think you're

42:21

a Knight in Shining Armor, but literally you're

42:24

a person with a stretcher, right, Like it's that you want

42:26

to be. You want to be this idolized version

42:28

of a savior, but really you're just in the emergency

42:31

room every day, and now there's no Knight in Shining

42:33

Armor, right you Just you're like a person

42:35

who's bad at their job in the medical department.

42:38

And so what ended up

42:40

happening was having tested it out, and I

42:42

think people can relate to that, and that's my

42:44

experience. I realized that being

42:46

a fixer didn't set me,

42:49

the other person, or the relationship

42:51

up for success. It set us up

42:53

for failure. So how do you become vigilant of it?

42:55

Which is your question. The way you become vigilant

42:57

of it is when someone asks for help, what's

43:01

the first thing you say back? If your

43:03

partner asks for help and you go, oh, I'll take care of that,

43:05

don't worry. And we do that at the start of

43:07

relationships because we again think, oh,

43:09

they're going to think I'm so nice and they're going to think

43:11

I'm so likable, as opposed

43:14

to that saying. It's different if someone says,

43:16

oh, can you grab some milk when when you're out

43:18

and you go, no, I'm not going to do that. You should

43:21

do like it's not that kind of thing. But like a

43:23

good example is when when me and Raley first started

43:26

dating, Like Rally would always ask me and this, this is going to annoy

43:28

so many people, but I promise you it's it works.

43:31

I rather would always say to me like, how do you feel I look in this?

43:34

And I will always be honest with her,

43:36

But one of my favorite responses after I'd be honest

43:38

with her is how do you feel you look in this? And

43:41

shees like, no, you just tell me, like do I look at it?

43:43

And I'm like, I think you look beautiful, but I want to know

43:46

how you feel you look in this. And

43:48

when we'd be out picking furniture for our apartment

43:50

or whatever it may be, we'd look at the

43:52

piece of furniture and she'd be like, oh, no, you just decided

43:55

No, what do you think? Like? What's your taste? And so,

43:57

what I find is that when your partner is trying

43:59

to outsource something to you,

44:01

you may feel like doing it

44:03

for them makes you more likable, but

44:06

actually you're setting themselves and yourself

44:08

up for always having to answer that question. And

44:10

when you rather say well, what are your

44:13

thoughts? Like I want to know what you really care about, I

44:15

want to know what you believe in, you actually are

44:17

strengthening there in a voice. So one way to be vigilant

44:19

is when you're asked for to solve a

44:21

problem. First take

44:23

a second on becoming the fixer. If

44:25

you're a classic dependent and

44:28

you want someone else to solve your problems, that

44:30

can be a lot harder because

44:32

you already don't feel you have the confidence to fix

44:35

anything. So actually it can be really hard when you

44:37

feel like the dependent. The anxiety

44:39

is really hard being a dependent because you

44:41

want the other person to deal with it, and now if they're not dealing

44:44

with it, you don't feel strong enough. What

44:47

I'd say is that anyone who feels

44:50

weak or has that self doubt,

44:52

it comes from not a

44:55

lack of belief or a

44:57

lack of quality,

45:00

comes from a lack of ability.

45:02

And abilities can be trained and

45:05

learned. And I always say this to people. If

45:07

something makes you nervous, if something makes you

45:09

unconfident, if something makes you scared,

45:14

you can't just believe in yourself. And

45:16

I think a lot of people talk about self belief, and

45:19

really it's about self respect. And

45:21

self respect comes from doing hard

45:24

things. And so if you're dealing with something

45:26

that you don't feel you're good at, go

45:28

and try and get decent at it. Go

45:31

and take a course, get a coach, get

45:33

a mentor, go out there and read a book

45:35

about it. Listen to this podcast. Right, Like when

45:37

you're searching for the answer,

45:40

all of a sudden, your skill starts to develop, and

45:42

now the problem starts to feel easier to

45:44

solve. And so as a dependent, especially

45:46

if you're single, start solving problems

45:48

yourself and guess what You're going to feel so much self

45:51

respect and now your self

45:53

doubt goes away at the root. And so

45:55

those are two ways to be vigilant. And there's plenty more

45:57

that I explained.

45:58

Yeah, I love those examples. So I

46:01

was talking to our community before you came. And

46:04

this is something that comes up quite a bit

46:06

with women, and I think

46:08

a lot of our community are people

46:11

that identify as women and they're finding

46:13

that in the dating world or out

46:15

in their relationships that they're growing,

46:19

you know, perceived to be growing more than their male

46:21

partner, and that there's a discrepancy between

46:23

the growth rates. And

46:25

I'm curious about how much

46:28

you're seeing that trend where women are deeply

46:30

interested in personal growth, self development, all

46:33

of these things. And there, for me, is a part of that

46:35

that's self hate led and

46:37

actually not self love. But then there is

46:39

that moment where they're doing a lot more work personally

46:41

than the men. Are you seeing that as a trend? And what

46:43

would you suggest?

46:45

And I love the distinction you just made

46:47

about the reason we work on ourselves

46:50

too, Like it's almost

46:52

like and again, I know we're both

46:54

not making broad generalizations. We're trying to based

46:56

on what we've experienced. If

46:58

society is set up up women

47:01

to doubt themselves, society

47:03

has set up men to pretend they're strong,

47:06

and they're both opposite

47:09

sides of the same coin. So

47:11

men feel they have to be the protector

47:14

the savior, the provider.

47:15

To have the answers, to have.

47:17

The answers, and so they're trying so

47:19

hard to present that facade that

47:22

they don't want to be vulnerable and they don't

47:24

want to do the work because if you have to show you

47:26

have to do work, that means you're not done.

47:29

And they're scared that if

47:31

I show a woman I need to do work, then

47:33

maybe she won't respect me and love me, because

47:36

isn't that what they want? And regardless

47:39

of gender, whatever you identify

47:41

as, I think we all feel this about

47:43

anyone. You may be with someone and think they're

47:46

with me. It's a corporate example, but it's true.

47:48

I was working with a CEO recently,

47:50

CEO of an extremely successful company,

47:53

you know, very highly regarded, achieve

47:56

so much in the world, and I've

47:58

been working with him on his mental health and

48:01

we're seeing a lot of progress. So

48:03

I said to him, at your next off

48:05

site, I said to him, I want

48:08

you to tell your team the journey

48:10

you've been on with your mental health.

48:13

That's all I want you to do. Just share with them

48:15

this journey that we've been on together, just

48:18

with your direct team, not

48:21

the whole company or some press article,

48:23

just the people who work with daily, your c suite,

48:25

the sea level. And

48:28

he said to me, he said, Jay, I don't think I can do

48:30

that. And I said

48:32

why He said,

48:35

because they see me as the strong one.

48:38

He said, they see me as the powerful one.

48:40

They see me as the one who has it all together.

48:43

If I tell them that, they won't

48:45

see me that way. And I said

48:47

to him, I said, what's more powerful

48:50

then you sharing your truth? What's

48:53

more strong or courageous than you being

48:55

honest with them about what you've been through. Isn't

48:58

that what real strength is?

49:00

But the challenge is that and so transferring

49:02

that experience into relationships. A

49:05

lot of people are feeling, well, if I showed them that I'm

49:07

vulnerable, aren't they with me? Because I'm

49:10

more sorted right, And so I

49:12

think that's the issue. And then of course the

49:14

other way around, it's like, oh, well, I'm

49:16

working on myself. I'm showing that I'm building myself

49:19

up. But then I'm scared and my

49:21

self doubt will actually push a good person

49:23

away. If we have this conversation with the genders

49:25

that we're talking about, if women are feeling oh

49:28

no, but if I doubt myself too much, he'll run

49:30

away. And then he's thinking, well, if I

49:32

show her that I doubt myself, then she'll run

49:34

away. And so we're at this like

49:36

tension. And I think that

49:39

requires That's why

49:41

the tools in the book of Like why.

49:43

Actually, if both people, regardless

49:46

of gender, regardless of identification, if

49:48

both people have compassion for each

49:50

other, have empathy for each other,

49:53

understand that this is another imperfect

49:55

human. That's where

49:57

we go beyond gender and beyond expectation

50:00

and beyond all of this and actually can

50:03

deal with each other. But that only

50:05

comes when you've gone through your own work of

50:08

when you've seen the deepest, darkest

50:11

parts of your own soul. You're

50:14

comfortable when someone's exploring

50:16

theirs, but if you haven't

50:19

done that, it's very uncomfortable

50:22

to watch someone else. The other

50:24

thing I'd say is if you feel

50:26

you're growing at a faster rate than

50:28

your partner, that

50:30

should result in more compassion,

50:33

more empathy, and more patience.

50:36

That's actually a result of more

50:38

work. The result of more work

50:40

is not more judgment, more critique,

50:42

and more spotting of weaknesses. That

50:45

is not and I think that's the challenge

50:47

sometimes in early spiritual

50:49

circles or early self

50:51

development or personal growth. You start thinking,

50:54

oh, I can see everything clearly, and

50:56

I can see all these faults, and now we start

50:58

to critique. I've worked with

51:00

so many couples where men

51:03

and women have come to me and said, my

51:05

wife criticizes me daily.

51:08

My wife has changed my entire

51:11

diet, rather has changed my entire diet,

51:14

my workout plan, and so much

51:16

in my life. And yet I've never felt

51:18

criticized or judged. And

51:21

that's genius, Like it's unbelievable

51:23

the level of coaching she's given me in an area

51:25

of my life that I was negligent about. And

51:28

I've never felt criticized. I've only

51:30

felt encouraged. And she's always

51:32

set the example because

51:35

she's doing it regardless of whether I do it

51:37

or not. So it's not like, oh, you have to do this with me,

51:39

Oh look at me, Look what I'm doing. Oh look

51:41

what all these other guys are doing. Why don't you do

51:43

this? Why don't you look like this? Like how

51:45

does that make anyone change? Like? How

51:48

does it make anyone set? But that's the kind of stuff we say

51:50

to the people we supposedly love. And

51:52

so for me, if you genuinely

51:55

believe you're growing spiritually. That's

51:57

more compassion, more empathy, more love, more

52:00

criticism, judgment and fault

52:02

finding.

52:03

Yeah, that's what I'll see oftentimes, where it's like

52:06

I'm becoming more spiritual, I'm doing the work, and

52:08

then the focus becomes everyone

52:10

else is not. It's like then you turn

52:12

everyone. You're like, and I just realize

52:14

that my mom's a narcissist and their

52:16

codependent and all these things, and then

52:18

they turn and label everyone with everything.

52:21

It's just it's kind of heartbreaking

52:23

because you're like, Okay, that's again, you

52:25

know, not the point. It's kind of like part of the path.

52:28

Yeah, and hey, I'm compassionate to that person too,

52:30

going back to this whole conversation, Like, the reason why I'm

52:32

compassionate to the person that labels is

52:35

because we're doing that for our own

52:37

security in the beginning. So when you

52:39

can finally see and you're like, okay,

52:42

and I'm not pointing at you for real, but yes,

52:45

narcissist, like whatever. Like when

52:47

you start labeling people, really

52:49

you're doing it to show yourself. I

52:52

am learning. I know, I'm understanding.

52:54

So I also have compassion for that because

52:57

in the beginning, you have to protect yourself.

53:00

It's like when someone first makes a big

53:02

shift in their life, they have to cut

53:04

other people out and they have to look at

53:06

the difference and be very black and white because they don't

53:08

know how to do it otherwise. Right, if

53:10

they don't cut that group of friends out, they won't be

53:12

able to stop drinking. If they don't cut

53:14

that group of friends out, they won't be able to disconnect

53:17

from Instagram or whatever it may be. And

53:20

that's an early stage of change. So we

53:22

don't want to be We don't want to hate on them either

53:24

because we understand it. But I think when you are

53:26

that person, you want to be aware

53:28

of it so they don't push people away.

53:30

Yeah, it's like, how is it leading you to more separation?

53:33

Yeah?

53:33

You know what I mean. It's like, let's be mindful of Like what

53:35

again, it's always coming back? What is more separation?

53:38

What is more separation? In the book,

53:40

it talks a little bit about purpose too, like purpose

53:42

as it relates to love and relationship. So what

53:44

is that correlation because I think sometimes people

53:46

think about them separately.

53:48

Yes. Yeah, Before we dive into that, I wanted to

53:51

touch on one more nuance yeah, because you've

53:53

the questions you asn't been so great, and I'm like, I want

53:55

to make sure that we touch on that. There's

53:57

a nuance also of like when

53:59

someone starting their

54:01

journey. And I deeply mean

54:03

this, and it took me a while

54:06

to learn this, even as a

54:08

coach in this space. Was not

54:12

everyone's going to learn from the same

54:14

books you read, from the same podcast

54:16

you listen to, and from the same teachers

54:18

and guides and coaches that you

54:21

found your truth through. And

54:23

I often say to people I work with, one

54:26

of my favorite things I get to do is my podcast,

54:29

and I sit down with so many different people

54:31

from so many different walks of life. Some of them are neuroscientists,

54:34

some of them are athletes, some of them are actors,

54:36

musicians, models, some of them are philanthropists

54:39

and professors. What I'm

54:41

hoping is that that allows

54:44

multiple different people to

54:46

come on their journey of personal growth. Like

54:49

I remember when I first sat down with Ray Dahlio,

54:52

who's become a dear friend

54:54

at this point. Ray Dahlio is the founder of Bridgewater

54:56

Associates, highly

54:59

sought after in the financial world. If anyone

55:01

as a partner or a friend who's well known in

55:04

finance, Ray Dahlia is like and

55:06

I didn't even when I first met Ray, I did not know that

55:08

about him.

55:09

Uh.

55:10

And it was really funny because all my investment

55:12

banker friends and hedge fund manager friends

55:14

after that episode they were like, Jay, You're so cool,

55:16

like we love you now.

55:17

I was like, whoa Kendall Jenner was like.

55:20

But it's like for them, Ray Dahlio is like their

55:23

person. And so when they hear Ray talk

55:25

about meditation and Ray does

55:27

meditate. Ray's been meditating for years and he credits

55:30

meditation as being one of the most successful

55:32

parts of his success, all the hedge fund

55:35

managers and investment bankers are going, oh my god, I need

55:37

to meditate, right, And they could have heard about it about

55:39

meditation from me for like years

55:42

and it didn't move them. So people have

55:44

to hear about it through a voice that affects

55:46

them and not my voice doesn't

55:48

affect everyone, and that's okay, and you

55:51

know it doesn't work that way. So I feel like when

55:53

you're watching your partner not

55:55

progress on the journey, it's often

55:57

because you're trying to get them to go on your journey

55:59

not there. And so if you

56:01

can open and broaden your mind and think

56:04

maybe they're not going to read the same book as me. Maybe they

56:06

need to listen to this episode of this podcast. Right,

56:08

So anyway, I wanted to touch on that.

56:10

Yeah, I love that because it is and again I said

56:12

it before, but it's like I think for women, there's

56:14

like a communal aspect to who we are and what

56:16

we do. Even with Roddy, it's so interesting hearing your

56:18

guys's values because it's

56:20

so masculine feminine if we're looking at

56:22

just the archetypes of the energetic yours is purpose

56:25

focused, verus his family. But it's like for

56:27

women, we're like, Okay, we're doing this thing. Come

56:29

on, everybody, join us, join us

56:31

in this thing. But again,

56:33

there's that moment and I think a lot of women are going

56:35

through this where it's almost like personal growth, self development

56:38

work fatigue because

56:40

we've just been inundated with so much

56:44

of it. And I just also want

56:47

to be mindful, like how much is this personal

56:49

growth work or information supporting

56:52

you and loving yourself more? Yeah, and

56:54

that's the period of it. You know, this needs to

56:56

support you in a depth of love for yourself and acceptance

56:59

that goes beyond and really

57:01

being concerned about what everyone else is doing

57:04

in their world too.

57:06

Yeah, that's so beautiful and I kind

57:08

of agree with you more and I deeply. I mean,

57:10

I was raised by a mom who did

57:13

everything for me, so you know, I have a lot of

57:16

I've had a lot of perspective on that from day

57:19

one, where my mom woke

57:21

me up, got me ready for school and for my sister to

57:23

made us breakfast, dropped us to school,

57:26

made us pack lunch, went off to work all day.

57:28

She learned a new career so that

57:31

she could be flexible for me and my

57:33

sister. So she quit her full time job,

57:35

took exams in a whole new career

57:37

path so that she could be self employed,

57:40

to set up her own work from home situation

57:43

so that she could pick us up. And she didn't,

57:45

you know, she never did exams beyond sixteen years old,

57:47

Like she didn't get to go to college or anything like that.

57:50

But she did all of that just for us. And

57:52

then she'd pick us up from school, make dinner

57:54

for us, help us with our homework, and then we'd

57:57

go to bed. And so I saw, I

57:59

saw like and at the same

58:01

time I saw someone who you

58:04

know, didn't have enough time to love herself

58:06

or didn't have enough time to do things for

58:08

herself. And and that pains

58:10

me now looking back, because obviously as an eight year

58:12

old, as a twelve year old, there's very

58:15

little understanding you have of the

58:17

full picture of.

58:17

What mom, what's your self care?

58:19

Yeah, exactly, I wish, I wish, I wish,

58:21

and I do it now as much as I can, of course,

58:24

but at that time I didn't have that. And I look at that and I'm

58:26

like, Wow, my mom gave everything for

58:28

me and my sister to be, to be set up,

58:31

and I know that I'm fueled by

58:34

that love. And I know that the love I try to give

58:36

out in the world is my mom's love that she filled

58:38

me up with. Like you know the

58:40

book, she's one third of the dedication of

58:42

this book because she literally

58:45

taught me how to love endlessly. And

58:48

so when I look

58:50

at the pressure that she had and

58:52

the fact that she never made time for herself

58:55

and she did set me up, I

58:58

really feel that. And we'll go back to your

59:00

purpose question afterwards, and it's kind of linked to this,

59:02

but I do feel

59:05

that the point of all

59:07

of this work is to lead

59:10

you to being happier, healthier,

59:13

and more healed. And

59:15

the path to being happier, healthier,

59:17

and more healed is not beautiful

59:20

in the external sense. It's

59:23

difficult. And so just

59:27

because your life looks tough or difficult,

59:29

it doesn't mean you're on the wrong path. Chances

59:32

are you're on the right path. But

59:34

I think what you brought up, Crystal, which I love, is

59:36

that there's a spirit

59:39

of self love that

59:41

kind of underpins all of it, and

59:44

really that comes from self

59:47

forgiveness and

59:50

grace, and that is

59:54

a cultivation in and of itself. And so

59:56

actually, what I would say, based on your thoughts,

59:58

which I appreciate and I agree with, most

1:00:01

people's self development work should

1:00:03

actually be aimed at developing self forgiveness

1:00:06

and grace because that becomes

1:00:09

a path to all of this. Because,

1:00:12

Hey, whether you want to learn how to meditate, or whether

1:00:14

you want to work out more, or whether

1:00:16

you want to eat healthy, or whatever you want to do, I

1:00:19

promise you self forgiveness and

1:00:22

grace are going to be a part of the process.

1:00:24

Because you're going to miss a day at the gym, you're going to miss

1:00:26

eating that healthy meal, You're gonna not want

1:00:28

to meditate for three days in a row. And

1:00:31

the skill that helps you with all of that

1:00:33

is self forgiveness and grace. And so I

1:00:36

encourage you all to make your personal

1:00:38

growth journey about self forgiveness

1:00:40

and grace to assist what

1:00:42

you.

1:00:42

Said, which I think changing who you are?

1:00:45

Correct?

1:00:45

Yeah, I think that's the goal, you know, for a lot of people

1:00:47

is how can I change who I am? How

1:00:49

can I make myself different?

1:00:52

Instead of accepting where you're at?

1:00:54

Yeah?

1:00:55

The purpose piece on relationships

1:00:57

and purpose.

1:00:58

Yeah, the reason why I bring it up is kind of related

1:01:00

to this, and it's the idea that Albert Einstein

1:01:03

once said, if you want to be happy, like

1:01:05

focus on a goal, not

1:01:08

a person or a thing. And it's

1:01:10

like the idea that I think a

1:01:12

lot of people make people their

1:01:14

purpose. And when

1:01:17

I've worked with people, especially people who

1:01:19

have been in relationships for a long time, maybe

1:01:21

your partner was the entrepreneurs, so you sacrificed

1:01:24

your journey to help them. Maybe

1:01:27

your partner was the breadwinner, so you put

1:01:29

everything you cared about a side and went

1:01:31

all in for them. That's

1:01:34

fine for a bit, but when

1:01:36

someone's done that for ten twenty thirty

1:01:38

years. What I've found is a lot of

1:01:40

people come out in their fifties and

1:01:42

then feel like they didn't achieve their potential.

1:01:45

So I've seen people who potentially look happily

1:01:47

married or in relationships for ten twenty

1:01:50

thirty years, and then one person comes

1:01:52

out and says, we worked for

1:01:54

your dreams, not mine, and

1:01:56

now they feel misled. And

1:01:58

so what I do in the book is I create a

1:02:02

scenario based support

1:02:04

system regardless

1:02:06

of your financial position or

1:02:08

where you are, to help you make sense of

1:02:11

how do we decide, how do we consciously

1:02:13

make an effort to decide

1:02:16

how we both help each other

1:02:18

focus on our purpose of where we're at.

1:02:21

And again it's a consciousness thing. What happened in

1:02:23

these relationships that I'm talking about is the

1:02:25

person who was the breadwinner, they assume

1:02:28

their partner should help them, and they never

1:02:30

talked about it. And so what ended

1:02:32

up happening thirty years later they

1:02:34

hate each other, Well, one of them hates the other one for saying,

1:02:36

you took me away from my purpose and they're like, no,

1:02:38

I didn't take you away. I was just taking care of the family

1:02:40

and you were helping me. And so it ends

1:02:43

up being this awkward thing where it's

1:02:45

like we just never talked about it. And

1:02:47

so I feel like when you have a healthy conversation

1:02:50

and you're like, well, I think you know, if

1:02:52

you can give me twelve months to experiment, could

1:02:55

you hold it down for twelve months? Okay,

1:02:58

we experient, Okay, I got some can you do

1:03:00

this? And I think having that conversation

1:03:03

upfront just saves you so much stress

1:03:05

and hassle. And I think we avoid that conversation

1:03:07

because we want to be the supportive partner. We

1:03:10

want to be the partner who sacrifices

1:03:12

everything because look, look how much I love

1:03:14

you. And I think that just

1:03:16

misleads us and the other person. So I would encourage

1:03:19

you all to make the pursuit

1:03:21

of purpose a healthy

1:03:23

pursuit in your life. And I call

1:03:26

it a pursuit rather than finding

1:03:28

your purpose, because the pressure of finding

1:03:30

your purpose again stops you from

1:03:32

loving yourself because you're like, I don't have it.

1:03:34

I don't know what it is. I don't have it. I don't know what it is. And

1:03:37

all I'm saying is, hey, just

1:03:39

have stuff you care about and don't let go

1:03:41

of it. That's all I'm saying. Have something you care

1:03:43

about and you don't let go of it.

1:03:45

It could be something as simple as going

1:03:48

for a coffee with your friend every week. It could be as

1:03:50

simple as helping out at a

1:03:52

homeless shelter or a soup kitchen. It could be as

1:03:54

simple as working on your creative

1:03:57

pursuits of art or sport

1:03:59

or whatever it maybe, but just don't give it up

1:04:02

because you think now you have to

1:04:04

grow out of it. And I think that's in

1:04:06

the book I really give, step by step focuses

1:04:09

on how no matter what your situation is,

1:04:11

how you both don't have to sacrifice, but

1:04:14

there's a way of figuring it out.

1:04:16

Yeah, that's huge. I think also

1:04:19

too. It's what I found during that And I've

1:04:21

learned this over time just even watching my

1:04:23

parents or other relationships, so much

1:04:26

can be remedied or supported by

1:04:28

talking about it. You know, even

1:04:30

with a lot of a lot of my women friends are

1:04:33

the breadwinners. Like I think almost

1:04:36

more than half now are breadwinners.

1:04:38

And it's like there's a dynamic, there's a powerplay

1:04:40

happening within the relationship where they're the breadwinners.

1:04:43

You know, the husband or partner or boyfriend might not

1:04:45

be and so there's this like power struggle,

1:04:48

but there's not an actual conversation of like,

1:04:50

hey, if I'm making more money, what's

1:04:53

your contribution? Or how are we going to work with this energy?

1:04:55

How are you feeling about you know, there's so much

1:04:57

can be remedied by communication. It's so wild.

1:05:00

Yeah, and I guess that's why we've

1:05:02

always had communication, communication, communication,

1:05:04

But the challenge is that we

1:05:08

want to talk about how people behave

1:05:10

or their actions, but we don't want to

1:05:13

talk about our intentions.

1:05:15

So we'd rather talk about like you did that wrong,

1:05:17

you should be doing this, or I expected

1:05:19

this from you, rather than this is what I'm

1:05:22

feeling, this is what I'm thinking, how are

1:05:24

you thinking about it? And that's because

1:05:26

we're scared that

1:05:28

if we say it out loud, the

1:05:30

other person doesn't have the humility to

1:05:33

hear it. We're scared that

1:05:36

if I tell my partner, hey, i'm the breadwinner,

1:05:38

I really need your support, that

1:05:41

they don't have the humility or

1:05:43

the lack of ego to say, yeah, I think

1:05:45

you're right. That's what we should do. And

1:05:47

that's what we have to realize

1:05:49

is it doesn't have to be about

1:05:51

winning and losing the reason

1:05:54

why EGO gets involved is

1:05:56

because we want to win. And

1:05:58

the way I see in relationships is if

1:06:01

I win and you lose, we

1:06:03

both lose because we both

1:06:05

are on the same team. And if

1:06:07

you win and I lose, then we both

1:06:10

lose because we're on the same team. So

1:06:12

we have two choices. We either

1:06:14

win together or we lose together.

1:06:17

There's no third option, whereas

1:06:19

we think there's a third option off I won and you lost,

1:06:22

you both lost. And so my encouragement

1:06:25

is in a relationship, if you're genuinely committed

1:06:27

to working it out with someone,

1:06:30

first of all, bring up conversation

1:06:33

in a non confrontational, non aggressive

1:06:35

way. Talk about things when

1:06:37

they're not heated. We wait

1:06:40

till things are heated to say how we really

1:06:42

feel, rather than doing

1:06:44

it when it's cool and just saying hey,

1:06:46

you know, Like I'll often ask RADI, I'll be like, and

1:06:49

this is when we're not not having a fight or

1:06:51

not in a in a disagreement, I'll

1:06:53

say, is this

1:06:56

relationship going in the direction you want it to

1:06:58

go? But that that

1:07:00

question has to be asked in a safe space, because

1:07:02

what I don't want her to think is J thinks it's

1:07:04

going in the wrong direction, which is not

1:07:07

what I'm saying. I'm asking

1:07:09

a question because if we're both going to be in this, I

1:07:11

want to know if it's going in the direction you want, and

1:07:13

I want it to go in a certain direction, and

1:07:16

then I want a safe space to say, hey, you

1:07:18

know what, it's not quite going in the direction

1:07:20

I want. Here's why. But it's

1:07:22

like it needs to be a safe space where I don't

1:07:24

feel that person's going to destroy

1:07:27

me for raising a concern. And

1:07:29

I think we've created conversations

1:07:32

in communication where anything that's

1:07:34

uncomfortable to talk about, or anything that's

1:07:37

difficult to talk about, you never talk

1:07:39

about it. We saw our parents do that, we saw

1:07:41

families do that, we saw friends do that, and

1:07:43

now we only talk about uncomfortable things when

1:07:45

we're screaming at the top of our lungs,

1:07:48

and that pushes the other person apart. So I think

1:07:51

humility, I think presenting

1:07:54

things properly. I mean, there's this beautiful

1:07:56

research that shows that when

1:07:58

you give feedback to some one, if

1:08:01

you're walking together in the

1:08:03

same direction, the other person's

1:08:05

more likely to digest it. If

1:08:07

you're sitting at a round table instead of opposite each

1:08:10

other, it's less confrontational,

1:08:12

it's creating less animosity. But

1:08:15

if you're sitting opposite each other at a table, it

1:08:18

feels like I'm against you. It doesn't feel

1:08:20

like we're together. And so the idea

1:08:22

of can you create that environment

1:08:25

externally and internally that

1:08:28

if I really want this person in my life,

1:08:30

we're going to solve this together. If

1:08:33

I really want them in my life, it can't be about

1:08:35

getting one up on them, like that can't

1:08:37

be where we go.

1:08:38

Yeah, and conscious loving. They say

1:08:40

that most arguments when they're unconscious

1:08:42

are a fight for the victim position. Yeah, so

1:08:45

you're like, who's who's the victim? When me

1:08:47

and Lindsay have a confrontation, or even

1:08:49

me and my husband will usually

1:08:51

go to the beach and if I have something

1:08:53

that I want to talk about or she does, it's like you're kind of massage

1:08:55

the first part of the conversation

1:08:58

to be like normal, and then you'll bring

1:09:00

it up because it's like, Okay, we're regulating in our nervous

1:09:02

systems together. And it's nice to

1:09:04

have the walking in the same direction because not only

1:09:06

is it like that symbol of we're walking together, but

1:09:09

it almost gives your eyes and your body

1:09:11

a little bit of a break, yes, to just

1:09:13

be okay, I'm looking ahead, I'm

1:09:15

we're not face to face, like there's a face off

1:09:17

element. And so being in nature

1:09:20

and finding the right environment is really important,

1:09:22

you know, being outside, being at the park, kind

1:09:25

of breaking the

1:09:27

pattern of potentially being in the home or being

1:09:30

in the bedroom or being on all these things I think is so nice.

1:09:32

Absolutely yeah, And I love that you do

1:09:34

that, and it's such a

1:09:36

valuable skill. And you know, I think

1:09:39

learning how to fight I talk about in the book about

1:09:41

fight styles, and the

1:09:43

reason why I brought up fight styles is I was a huge

1:09:45

fan of you know, Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages,

1:09:48

and I think that's beautiful. But I was looking

1:09:50

at all the Gotman Institute research

1:09:52

shows that learning

1:09:54

how to fight, learning how to deal with conflict

1:09:58

is core to a long lasting relationtionship.

1:10:00

And if you look at our weakest skill in a relationship,

1:10:03

it's communicating during conflict.

1:10:06

Why do people struggle

1:10:08

in a relationship because we don't know how to talk

1:10:10

about hard things. We don't know how

1:10:12

to have a conversation about things we disagree on.

1:10:15

We do like literally you can ruin the whole night

1:10:18

because you disagreed about what to watch or what

1:10:20

to eat, Like everything can go because

1:10:22

we don't know how to talk about things that we could

1:10:24

debate on. And so I

1:10:28

created this and inside the book there's a test that

1:10:30

you can do that helps you figure out what your fight style

1:10:32

is. And there are three fight styles you

1:10:34

have, venting, hiding,

1:10:37

and exploding. Venting is I want to

1:10:39

talk it out and I want to talk about it right now.

1:10:42

Let's solve this, let's figure it out. Hiding

1:10:45

is I need to break. I need to

1:10:47

go somewhere by myself. I

1:10:49

need to let myself emotionally regulate and

1:10:51

then I'll come back when I'm ready. And

1:10:54

Exploding is like, you

1:10:56

know, like maybe I'm like I just burst into tears.

1:10:58

I like just like I need blame

1:11:00

you. I need to just like be aggressive.

1:11:02

Maybe even it can be aggressive and it could just

1:11:05

be like I just feel I just don't have to control

1:11:07

anything. Hiding is like, at least I know where to go away.

1:11:09

Venting is like but sometimes we explode,

1:11:11

and we all experience all of these three obviously,

1:11:14

but I help you find your one, and it's important to know

1:11:16

that because otherwise you're a kickboxer

1:11:19

and your partner's doing MMA and it doesn't

1:11:21

you know, you can't fight accordingly. And

1:11:23

so in our case, I'm

1:11:26

a venor. I want to talk about it. I want to talk about

1:11:28

it now, and rather he's a hider. She wants to

1:11:30

go and reflect on it. And in the

1:11:32

beginning of our relationship, I

1:11:34

often said to Radi I felt

1:11:36

she didn't love me because she didn't

1:11:38

want to talk about it right now. I

1:11:40

was like, you obviously don't care because we just had

1:11:43

a big argument. And if you need to walk away from

1:11:45

this space, that means you don't care. That means

1:11:47

you don't you're not invested. That's

1:11:49

just not true. Her way

1:11:51

of investing is taking out time. My way

1:11:54

of taking investment is showing I want to talk.

1:11:57

And so I think knowing

1:11:59

your fight and being aware of it and being

1:12:01

aware of your partner's fight style. I

1:12:04

realized rather needed two days, I wanted

1:12:06

it now. So we're talking one day.

1:12:08

Let's meet in the middle. Let's give you

1:12:10

some time, but let's not leave me

1:12:13

in anxiety. Let's create

1:12:15

a space where we can safely connect. And

1:12:17

so when we communicate about

1:12:19

our fight stars, when we communicate our relationship

1:12:21

roles. When we communicate about all

1:12:23

these things, we start getting tools and

1:12:25

skills and abilities. When we don't talk

1:12:28

about any of these things, we just create the story

1:12:30

in our head. You're not here. That

1:12:32

means you don't care. You're late,

1:12:34

that means you don't care. You never

1:12:37

turn up, that means you don't care. But those are just

1:12:39

stories that we're creating

1:12:41

without letting that person tell us their

1:12:44

story, and we never know what

1:12:46

their story is after many years.

1:12:49

I'm so excited about the book. I'm

1:12:51

so excited. Last question

1:12:53

from me, what is that one hope

1:12:55

that you have for people when reading it or

1:12:59

when having it.

1:13:01

My hope for people when reading it

1:13:04

is that it's not about

1:13:06

completing the book. It's

1:13:08

not about finishing a book.

1:13:10

I think a lot of people today it's like I

1:13:13

can finish a book. I complete in a milk. I listened to it

1:13:17

the kind of of course.

1:13:18

Yeah, is such a funny concept.

1:13:20

Yeah. And my hope is that you use

1:13:22

it as a consistent

1:13:24

guide, a consistent companion, a

1:13:26

consistent work book. There's

1:13:28

activities, that's exercises, there's tests, there's

1:13:30

quizes, there's there's just a lot of material.

1:13:33

It's not meant to be read just

1:13:35

to finish it. It's it's there to help

1:13:37

you at any point in your life when you're struggling

1:13:39

and you flick to a page and go talk

1:13:42

to me. I want people to have a slower,

1:13:45

longer, deeper love, and

1:13:47

so I hope that your process of moving through the

1:13:49

book is slower, longer, and deeper,

1:13:52

because that will lead to that type of love.

1:13:54

So grateful you're here.

1:13:56

Thank you, so so this was beautiful. You asked me so many

1:13:58

You're such a brilliant interview. You asked

1:14:01

me so many questions I haven't yet

1:14:03

talked about, haven't been asked. I really

1:14:05

hope everyone's been listening, Like I really hope this serves

1:14:07

you. I want you to have a beautiful

1:14:10

love story in your life. I want you to

1:14:12

have the most fulfilling, powerful,

1:14:15

abundant love in your life. But

1:14:18

I want you to have the skills in order

1:14:20

to create it. I don't want you to hope

1:14:22

and wish and wait and want for it. And

1:14:25

so Christal, thank you so much for sharing this with your community

1:14:27

and your audience. And I'm so grateful to you.

1:14:29

So thank you.

1:14:31

We love you, guys, We thank.

1:14:32

You each

1:14:41

year around the holidays, I

1:14:43

do a Secret Center gift exchange

1:14:45

with my team, and I get

1:14:47

so caught up in finding the perfect

1:14:49

gift for my secret center

1:14:52

I almost forget that someone else is

1:14:55

doing the same for me. If

1:14:57

only we could treat all our relationships

1:15:00

this way, if we could give

1:15:03

with such enthusiasm without

1:15:06

thinking about what we'll get back. And

1:15:09

that's what the next seven minutes are

1:15:11

about relationships,

1:15:13

expectations, and

1:15:16

where we can get into trouble. I'm

1:15:18

Jay Shaddy. Welcome to the

1:15:20

Daily Jay. Let's

1:15:23

start with a few mindful breaths

1:15:25

to get centered in this moment,

1:15:29

breathing in and

1:15:32

breathing out, expanding

1:15:37

with the inhale,

1:15:40

releasing with the exhale,

1:15:45

settling in to right now, and

1:15:48

sinking into right here. When

1:15:55

people think of monasteries, love

1:15:58

is not the first thing that comes to mind,

1:16:01

But believe it or not, the

1:16:03

biggest lessons I've learned about

1:16:05

relationships came from my time

1:16:07

as a monk. The Ashram

1:16:10

works like a big extended

1:16:12

family. We're taught to love

1:16:14

and look after each other, lend

1:16:17

a hand whenever possible, and

1:16:19

generally show kindness towards

1:16:21

each other. After

1:16:24

months of giving my all, I

1:16:27

began to feel like I wasn't getting

1:16:30

all my giving back, So

1:16:32

finally I went to one of my

1:16:34

teachers for advice. I'm

1:16:37

upset, I said, I

1:16:39

feel like I'm giving out a lot of

1:16:42

love, but I don't feel

1:16:44

like it's being returned in kind. I'm

1:16:47

caring and looking out for others,

1:16:50

but they don't do the same for me. I

1:16:52

don't get it. Then

1:16:55

he said something that forever

1:16:57

changed my relationship. With relationship,

1:17:01

love is like a circle. You

1:17:04

assume the love you will receive

1:17:07

will come from the person you gave it

1:17:09

to, but it doesn't always

1:17:12

come from that person. The

1:17:15

problem, he told me, lies

1:17:18

in our expectations. We

1:17:21

tend to think of relationships as

1:17:23

transactions. You scratch my

1:17:25

back, I'll scratch yours. We

1:17:27

keep scorecards in our minds. We

1:17:30

go tit for tat, But

1:17:32

love and relationships don't always

1:17:34

work that way, or at least they

1:17:36

shouldn't. A tit for them

1:17:39

doesn't always equal a tap for you.

1:17:42

You know this makes me think of my

1:17:44

mom, caring, loving,

1:17:48

always there for me. In

1:17:51

fact, if she had her way,

1:17:53

we'd be facetiming all day long. And

1:17:56

don't get me wrong, I love my mom.

1:17:59

I'm grateful for her,

1:18:01

and I try to show it. But

1:18:04

even if I don't pick up her call or

1:18:06

give her the same attention back, her

1:18:09

approach to me doesn't change.

1:18:11

She never expects anything in

1:18:14

return. I

1:18:16

think we could all use that lesson to

1:18:19

focus on what we're giving out.

1:18:21

Let go of the scorecard, scratch

1:18:24

her back without worrying about the itch on

1:18:26

ours, and give without expectations.

1:18:30

We should give love purely, to

1:18:33

give love no other

1:18:35

reason. It's as simple as

1:18:37

that, and

1:18:39

let's reflect on that now. Begin

1:18:42

by thinking about how you

1:18:44

tend to view relationships.

1:18:48

Do you look for reciprocation? Do

1:18:51

you keep a tally who

1:18:56

has shown you kindness or

1:18:58

consideration without

1:19:00

expecting something equal in

1:19:02

return? How

1:19:08

could you be that person for

1:19:11

someone else, for

1:19:13

everyone else? See

1:19:19

what happens if you let go of

1:19:21

your expectations and

1:19:24

join into the feedback loop of

1:19:26

love. So

1:19:29

for today's meditation, we're

1:19:32

going to do a loving kindness practice

1:19:35

to work on giving with no agenda.

1:19:39

Start by getting comfortable, Feel

1:19:42

free to close your eyes if

1:19:45

you want, and

1:19:47

bring your attention to your

1:19:49

breath, the

1:19:52

natural flow of air in

1:19:57

and out.

1:20:03

Now, let's send some love. Bring

1:20:07

to mind someone that's

1:20:09

easy to feel kindness towards

1:20:14

It. Could be a family member, a

1:20:17

friend, even

1:20:19

a pet. Think

1:20:24

of their positive qualities and

1:20:30

just send them love. Simple

1:20:33

as that.

1:20:37

You can silently repeat these phrases

1:20:40

if it helps. May

1:20:43

you be happy, May

1:20:47

you be healthy, May

1:20:51

you be peaceful, showering

1:20:59

them with well wishes,

1:21:03

nothing in it for you. Now

1:21:11

extend this out a bit and

1:21:14

include a group of people, or

1:21:18

even the whole world.

1:21:23

May you be happy,

1:21:27

May you be healthy,

1:21:31

May you be peaceful. This

1:21:39

practice of sending love can

1:21:42

help open our hearts, and

1:21:44

a famous quote by Catherine

1:21:46

Hepburn's sums it up well. Love

1:21:50

has nothing to do with what

1:21:53

you're expecting to get, only

1:21:57

with what you're expecting to

1:21:59

give, which is everything.

1:22:02

Thank you for trying something new with me. Go

1:22:05

ahead and share this message with

1:22:08

some one else who could use a little

1:22:10

love to day. I love

1:22:12

you all, and I can't wait to

1:22:14

connect once again to morrow.