We’re back with the last Orlando Lady Boss episode of 2018! Today’s guest is Janie Lacy. She is a Psychotherapist and owner of Life Counseling Solutions in Orlando, Fl. Janie is a relationship expert and specializes in relationship trauma in her practice. With her expertise, Janie educates others about how to heal from trauma and have better relationships. In addition to her therapy practice, Janie educates through media appearances and her own podcast the Life Unscripted.

How to deal with relationship trauma during the holidays

So what exactly is relationship trauma? Janie defines it as the psychological and emotional stuff we can’t always see but affects a lot of areas of our lives. Because of the trauma, bad thoughts and low self-esteem can create patterns of behaviors that can hold us back. In order to heal from trauma, healthier behavior patterns need to be developed.

Holidays can be especially triggering for relationship trauma. For many, family systems are the root of a lot of trauma. Interaction with those family members around the holidays can bring up a lot of past traumas. Especially around this time of year.

If this sounds like something you struggle with, the very best thing you can do is to seek out a therapist who will give you a safe space to work through the issues. Therapy helps during stressful life periods. The holidays can be just that for many people. Here are some other things you can do to protect yourself.

1. Set Boundaries

“Acknowledge and understand that we all have the right to boundaries,” Janie said.

If someone makes you feel stress due to past abuse, it’s important to set boundaries. You put yourself first when you set boundaries. You don’t have to be around someone who abused you in the past just to keep others comfortable.

2. Be Self-aware

However, if you aren’t sure how you feel, a self-awareness check is necessary. A good trick is to ask yourself what age you feel when a situation bothers you. A triggered response to emotional trauma can make us regress back to younger ages. Janie calls this the frozen point–a place someone can get stuck due to emotional neglect or trauma. Once you are able to recognize triggers, you can put boundaries around them to protect yourself.

3. Realize there will be pushback from family

Creating boundaries can cause upheaval in family systems. Remember that just because you see a toxic pattern of behavior doesn’t mean everyone does. Janie points out that some families don’t know how to connect to each other in any way except to create drama. They feel a connection through arguing, name calling, and making fun of each other. Families who do this probably don’t know a better way to interact.

Plus, when you understand how your family will react to certain types of situations, you can adjust your expectations about their behavior. That way, you can stay emotionally in control when you need to interact with them. “The greater the distance between the expectations and reality, the greater the disappointment,” Janie said.

Limit social media consumption to limit stress.

Boundaries don’t just work around people but our consumption of things too. Social media, in particular, can leave many feeling stressed and anxious, especially around the holidays. There is an atmosphere of perfection on social media because people choose to share only the best sides of their lives. However, when we feel inadequate, we often will compare those highlight reels to the entirety of our lives. That comparison can leave you feeling inadequate.

Social media is very one dimensional though. So if you find yourself more depressed around the holidays, Janie advises that you limit your social media. Less time will help you stop comparing yourself to others.  If you really have a hard time putting the social media down, it might indicate you have some addictive behavior issues around your consumption.

Put yourself first and manage obligations.

Even without the added dynamics of relationship trauma, there is still a lot of stress and expectations around the holidays. We especially experience this as women who are usually expected to create the bulk of the “holiday magic.”  To stay sane, Janie suggests a few tactics during the holidays.

First, choose what is actually important to your family. So many people overdo it around the holidays in order to create perfect experiences to keep up with others’ expectations. Instead, pick the activities that matter to your family. “The most important thing we can do for our families is to create meaning,” Janie said.

Also, be mindful about what you spend. Too many people overspend around the holidays. Besides, many of us hardly remember what gifts we received from one year to the next.

Janie thinks it’s really important to practice a lot of self-reflection in December too. To stay mindful, keep a gratitude journal to keep perspective of what’s important. Janie starts one herself on Thanksgiving and writes in it daily until the new year.

Another mindfulness and reflection tool is journaling. A great exercise Janie suggests is to write what you want to accomplish in 2019. Then consider what it will take to reach those goals. “I like to put spirituality, mental, physical, emotional, and then you get pictures that represent the goals you want to represent. That way you are thinking through things in a really practical way,” Janie says.

Finally, “the biggest part around the holiday season is that we need to protect our peace.,” Janie said.

Take care of your stress management. Look at your time and prioritize what’s important. Get therapy to help take care of yourself around this time of year if you need to.

Use December as a time of self-reflection

December is a great time to reflect on your goals from the past year. Are you the person in December 2018 you thought you would be at the beginning of the year? If not, what happened? Why were you not able to make your goals? You might be sabotaging your own progress and it’s important to figure out why through self-reflection.

“Dig deep. Ask yourself why you are in the same place every single year making the same goals?” Janie said.

After that, consider how your goals reflect what you want overall.  Janie said to “ask yourself who you want to be and what does that really look like?”

When you set your goals, make them realistic and make a plan on how to get there. Then consider what would prevent you from the goal? Those hurdles can be financial, emotional, or something else. “Do a lot of reflection, ” Janie said, “understand what you need and what you want.”

When you are able to really reflect on your goals, you can create ones that you can achieve and work towards. You will also be able to set better boundaries because you are able to see what is important to you and what you want. This will give you the time and space to work towards what you want in life.

About Janie Lacy

Janie Lacy is a nationally known psychotherapist and Licensed Mental Health Counselor, National Certified Counselor, and Certified Sex Addiction, Therapist. She is also a respected television commentator and founder of Life Counseling Solutions in Maitland, Florida. For almost 12 years she has been enriching lives through her psychotherapy work and brings credibility and expert knowledge to audiences via on-air appearances.

As a television commentator, Janie connects with viewers and is sought after for her psychological insights and practical advice on topics ranging from mental health disorders to relationship challenges.  Janie has impacted audiences through various local and national radio, news, and television programs.  For example, she has lent her expertise to national shows such as The Bill Cunningham Show, Daily Buzz, and Emotional Mojo.

Janie is a popular professional speaker at national industry conferences and has the ability to energize a room while hosting events.  She has authored numerous articles in local and national outlets on sex & love addiction, anger management, and relationship & sexual trauma.

Her journey as a psychotherapist began when she worked as a counselor for a non-profit where the clients had various psychiatric challenges along with volunteering at an experiential camp for adolescents with behavioral challenges.  In both clinical settings and in private practice, Janie has treated all forms of mental illness, substance abuse, grieving, job stress, emotional disturbances, sexual abuse, social and parenting issues. She is passionate about helping people overcome a variety of life’s challenges.

Janie earned a Bachelors of Science in Business Administration from the University of Central Florida and holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Palm Beach Atlantic University.  She is currently pursuing her Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from California Southern University.

A faculty member with the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals, Janie trains professionals who are committed to specializing in the areas of addiction recovery and trauma.

Janie was awarded the 2018 Enterprise Business of the Year Award by the African American Chamber of Commerce of Central Florida.

Janie also co-hosts a popular podcast called Life Unscripted which can be found on iHeart, iTunes, Spotify and Spreaker.

Links from the Show

Visit Life Counseling Solutions
Subscribe to Life Unscripted on iTunes
Like Janie Lacy on Facebook
Follow Janie Lacy on Instagram
Follow Janie Lacy on Twitter

The post Protect Your Mental Health during the Holidays with Janie Lacy Ep. #61 appeared first on Orlando Lady Boss.