0:00

Hub and Spoke.

0:03

Audio Collective. It's

0:10

a beautiful Sunday morning. I'm

0:12

in Colorado with my uncle. We're

0:15

at the top of this mountain, and the

0:17

view is just gorgeous.

0:19

It's this panorama of snowy

0:21

peaks. And we're

0:23

trying to figure out which mountain is which.

0:26

Because the day before, we had

0:28

tried to summit one of them, which didn't

0:30

end up working out because we got caught in a snowstorm.

0:33

But anyway, we wanted to see where we had been.

0:36

So I pull out my phone

0:38

and open up Peak Visor. So

0:41

North Arapaho Peak is

0:44

straight in front

0:44

of us there. So when you say straight in front

0:46

of us, does it look like the highest peak from our

0:49

perspective? Yes, it looks like the highest peak.

0:53

And then you see the glacier. I

0:56

thought it was a big snow bowl

0:58

and glacier. Okay, now I get it. Right. Peak

1:01

Visor is our presenting sponsor

1:03

this season. Their app

1:05

helps you figure out what you're looking at

1:07

when you're out in the mountains. When you

1:09

open it up, it determines where you are, and

1:12

then it shows you a panoramic picture

1:14

of everything you're seeing with all

1:16

the peaks labeled. If you'd

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like your own personal mountain guide, check

1:21

out Peak Visor in the App Store. You

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just might love it.

1:30

Hi, I'm Willow Belden,

1:33

and you're listening to Out There, the

1:35

podcast that explores big questions

1:38

through intimate stories outdoors.

1:41

Big

1:42

feelings can be scary.

1:45

They can keep us on edge. They can seep into our work. They can

1:48

even threaten our relationships. And it's especially

1:50

hard when you don't

1:52

really know where they're coming from, when the feelings

1:55

don't make sense.

2:01

So what do you do in a situation like that?

2:04

How do you regain a sense of calm when

2:06

your emotions are baffling and you can't

2:08

seem to get them under control? In

2:11

this episode, Michaela Van Kooten

2:14

takes us from her home in Toronto to

2:16

a cabin in the woods and explores

2:19

how she found

2:19

healing. And

2:21

just so you know, this story contains some adult

2:24

language.

2:33

I learned a long time ago as a black

2:35

woman, I had to control my anger.

2:38

I never wanted to be stereotyped as an angry

2:41

black woman. But last

2:43

year, my anger was right

2:45

there, bubbling and

2:48

rising up. And

2:50

there was so much of it. It

2:55

got to the point where I got so

2:58

angry that I began to feel

3:00

unhinged.

3:04

Every little annoyance would balloon into

3:07

this weird rage. Every

3:10

noise my roommate made. Every

3:14

time my dog Eddie stared at me and

3:16

I didn't know what he wanted. Every

3:19

time there was a knock at the door while I

3:21

worked from home, I would feel

3:23

this rage just rising

3:25

up. I

3:29

felt like I was outside of

3:31

my body. And

3:34

I just kept wondering, why am I so angry?

3:47

I like being in control. It

3:50

makes me feel safe. And it

3:52

relieves my anxiety. So

3:54

when my anger began threatening to

3:56

burst out of me, I was

3:58

scared. I felt out

4:01

of control and

4:02

I did not like it.

4:05

Normally when I need to sort out confusing

4:08

emotions, I go away.

4:10

I book myself into a retreat

4:13

with yoga and energy work, sound

4:16

baths and meditations, a

4:18

trip with a purpose, and

4:20

then I come home feeling refreshed.

4:23

But this time,

4:26

taking a week off for me time

4:29

just wasn't an option.

4:37

I'd recently changed careers and I'd gotten a

4:40

coveted work opportunity and I

4:42

didn't want to say no to it.

4:45

That also meant I had a deadline to meet.

4:48

So there was no way I could take time

4:50

off.

4:53

So I figured I'd do the next best thing. I'd

4:56

book myself on a work away trip.

5:00

I wouldn't be able to get away to a retreat,

5:03

but I would be in a place where I could be alone

5:05

with my dog and just kind of veg out

5:08

doing spurts of work and maybe

5:11

get away from the daily annoyances that

5:14

were triggering this weird anger.

5:21

I started researching the perfect hideaway

5:24

with quiet and hiking trails,

5:27

but also cell service

5:29

and high quality Wi-Fi. After

5:32

weeks of searching, I found the

5:35

perfect spot. I

5:38

even knew what restaurants were nearby

5:40

and what they had on their menus and

5:42

if they delivered, I was ready.

5:47

So I headed to this little cabin in the woods

5:49

to work remotely

5:51

in peace.

5:54

Well, that's

5:57

what I thought I was doing. It

6:01

turns out,

6:03

nature had other plans.

6:13

I did have some idea where my anger was

6:15

coming

6:15

from. I

6:18

want to say it was September 2021

6:22

when I got a text from my stepmother. She

6:27

was asking if I wanted to adopt

6:29

a child. I

6:35

guess this question serves a little bit of

6:37

history. I'm 50

6:40

years old. And there

6:42

have been several times in my life when I have tried

6:45

to have a child. I

6:47

had tried to get pregnant during my short-lived

6:49

marriage. Later,

6:52

I joined a co-parenting dating

6:54

site. Then,

6:56

a really good friend of mine even tried

6:58

to help me make a baby for almost

7:01

a year. I

7:03

had tried a lot of things, but

7:06

none of them had worked. So,

7:10

when my stepmother asked me if I wanted to adopt

7:12

a child, it made sense.

7:15

And I said yes. We

7:19

hung up, all smiles, and

7:21

that was that.

7:28

The following February, I got a call saying

7:31

there was a baby who needed to be adopted in

7:33

Diana. That's where my family

7:35

is from and where my stepmother

7:37

was living at the time. The

7:40

baby girl will be born in two months.

7:43

I was going to be a mom. And my

7:45

stepmother offered to help a

7:48

lot. She offered to move the baby

7:50

in with her until the baby could come to Canada.

7:53

She had a lawyer handling all the paperwork

7:56

at her own expense. And she even

7:58

promised that she and my dad would help me. me out financially.

8:01

The

8:08

baby was born in April. Every

8:11

few days my stepmother would send pictures

8:14

or we would do a video call and

8:16

I started to plan a baby shower.

8:23

But some things were feeling off to

8:25

me, like when the

8:27

baby was just a couple of months old. I

8:30

remember hearing that my dad

8:32

had told a family friend that

8:34

he had a new grandchild, but

8:37

somehow I was never

8:39

named as the baby's mom. And

8:42

later I found out promises

8:44

were being made to the biological parents

8:47

about things like visitations without asking

8:49

me first. It

8:52

seemed like my dad and my stepmother didn't

8:54

really see me as the baby's mom.

8:58

And more and more I was feeling like some

9:00

kind of surrogate caretaker or

9:02

babysitter, not a mother.

9:04

I

9:05

felt like they didn't even see me and

9:09

it hurt.

9:12

The

9:20

last straw was an issue with the baby's

9:22

name. My stepmother

9:24

and I simply couldn't agree on

9:27

what to call her.

9:30

And when I didn't back down on what I wanted,

9:34

my stepmother just stopped.

9:39

She stopped talking to me. She

9:42

stopped sending pictures and updates

9:44

about the

9:44

baby. Well, there

9:49

was one phone call. On

9:52

it, my stepmother said she felt disrespected.

9:56

Then she hung up.

10:02

I didn't get a chance to respond and

10:04

my request to talk more were ignored.

10:09

Eventually, I

10:11

got a text

10:13

from my stepmother saying

10:15

simply, the

10:17

parents have decided they no

10:19

longer want you to adopt the baby.

10:28

I went from being a mom to not.

10:34

I was stunned.

10:37

I felt how you feel after

10:39

an accident.

10:41

Numb.

10:43

Dazed. Like when time

10:45

stands still and you aren't really sure where you

10:48

are or what just happened. Sometimes

10:52

I would just walk my dog aimlessly,

10:54

feeling out of my body

10:56

like I was free floating.

11:03

After the shock wore off, there

11:06

were all kinds of emotions.

11:09

Different ones on different days and

11:11

different hours and different minutes.

11:15

There were all the bad ones, sadness,

11:17

depression, loss,

11:20

grief.

11:22

But there were also good ones. I

11:26

was relieved to

11:28

finally know what was going on. To

11:32

be free from a co-parenting agenda

11:34

I hadn't consented to. And

11:37

I was proud that I put my foot down. And

11:41

I was grateful that I had had enough time to cancel

11:44

the baby shower

11:45

before people had wrapped gifts for a child

11:48

who wasn't coming.

11:51

I felt so many things. And

11:55

I processed them all.

12:00

Every day for months I

12:02

did the emotional work of sorting through

12:04

my feelings, and

12:07

I had come to terms with losing the opportunity

12:09

to adopt a baby. So

12:14

why, damn it, if

12:17

I had done so much emotional

12:19

work, why

12:22

was I still so angry? On

12:33

the morning of my trip, I checked the

12:35

last item off my list and headed

12:37

out. It

12:41

was a nice drive, just an hour and a half outside

12:43

the city. Then

12:48

there it was, the cutest

12:51

little cabin sitting on

12:53

the edge of a forest. And

12:56

all the prettiest reds, yellows

12:59

and oranges.

13:02

I got out of the car, let Eddie

13:04

out and moved my things into

13:06

the house.

13:08

I packed everything away, food in the

13:10

fridge,

13:11

clothes in the dresser, toiletries

13:13

on the shelf in the bathroom.

13:16

Putting everything in its place made me feel

13:18

at home.

13:23

So now that everything was in its place,

13:26

now what? I

13:33

had no work to do that day, so I

13:35

decided to explore the cabin's amenities. There

13:39

was a cute little porch to send myself on

13:41

and a cute little fire pit just for

13:43

me. The

13:47

fall sun was beaming down like it was

13:49

still summer. So

13:52

I sat by the fire pit and

13:54

I rested. Well,

14:01

kind of. I

14:05

sat there for a few minutes, but

14:08

it wasn't long before my brain started circling.

14:12

Had I forgotten anything? Had I put all

14:14

my stuff away? Was the car locked?

14:17

Did it even need to be?

14:20

Then I'd stop myself and clear my

14:23

mind.

14:24

But in just a few more minutes I was thinking,

14:27

am I sure the car is locked?

14:29

And I realized the car is literally

14:32

right beside me.

14:35

I'd stop thinking, but

14:38

after a few minutes I'd have

14:40

another thought.

14:44

Ugh, this sitting still doing nothing?

14:47

It felt so weird. I

14:51

don't know the last time I just stopped. I

14:55

don't think I remembered how. I

15:01

only stayed sitting in that chair because

15:04

the sun was so unusually warm and I

15:06

wanted to stay and enjoy it. So

15:09

I stayed in the chair.

15:13

And that's when things started

15:15

to happen. I

15:21

lost track of time.

15:27

And then I felt the

15:29

denseness of my body sinking

15:31

deep into that chair. And

15:36

my breathing started to slow down.

15:40

My shoulders relaxed.

15:46

Looking amongst those beautiful trees in the

15:49

sunshine with nothing to do,

15:52

I finally sunk into

15:55

rest. And

16:03

I cried. Gentle

16:07

thin lines of tears that slid and

16:09

rounded my cheeks and dripped off

16:11

the edge of my chin.

16:31

I have no idea how long

16:33

I cried. But

16:35

at some point,

16:37

I got up, dried my

16:39

tears, and went back into the cabin.

16:43

I had to prepare for tomorrow. I mean, I

16:46

had a schedule. I had work to do. So

16:50

the next morning, I settled in with headphones,

16:52

laptop, and a snugly corner of

16:54

the couch to work in

16:57

with my little mug of tea.

17:03

Then

17:03

I attempted to start my work day.

17:08

And

17:08

I did do some work.

17:11

But

17:12

I was distracted and I was grouchy.

17:15

And mostly, I was still drenched in

17:17

sadness. Like

17:19

after a really good cry, but

17:22

one where you know there is much

17:25

more pain there. I

17:28

was grief-soaked.

17:35

And the next day, I was nauseated.

17:40

Then

17:40

for some reason, I

17:42

started craving whole milk.

17:44

I haven't drunk whole milk in over 15 years, but

17:48

I thought my body wanted it. So

17:50

I went out, I bought it, and I

17:52

drank it. One swig.

17:55

And then

17:57

I threw it up.

18:00

Damn it! Oh

18:02

God. I knew

18:04

it this month.

18:07

When I'm nauseated and I can't hold

18:09

down heavy food,

18:11

something emotional needs to

18:13

come out, and it needs

18:15

to come out now.

18:19

My body,

18:21

Mother Earth,

18:23

they didn't care about my work schedule.

18:26

They just didn't care.

18:29

My feelings were going to come out right

18:31

now.

18:34

Shit.

18:39

So finally, I just

18:42

surrendered. I

18:45

took a break from all my non-pressing work,

18:49

and I just sat there. I

18:54

sat in the cabin. I sat by the fire

18:56

pit. I sat on the porch. I

19:00

ate when I needed to, but

19:03

mostly I stayed

19:06

still. And

19:09

I just stared out

19:13

the window, at

19:16

the trees, at the TV,

19:19

into space. And

19:25

when the tears came, I

19:28

let them. I

19:30

let it all go. And

19:37

once I did, I

19:40

had a shocking revelation.

19:45

My overwhelming anger was my way of

19:47

staying in control, of staying

19:50

safe, from

19:53

a deep grief that was terrifying

19:55

me. And

19:57

it wasn't about losing a baby. Yes,

20:03

that was sad, but

20:05

I had come to terms with being childless

20:08

a long time ago.

20:12

This grief was

20:14

way deeper.

20:17

I was grieving the loss of a family

20:19

life that I'd hoped I'd gain

20:22

by raising this child.

20:30

My parents had gotten divorced

20:32

when I was around seven

20:34

years old.

20:37

Before then, even

20:40

when my parents were fighting, I

20:43

loved

20:44

being with my dad.

20:47

He was my absolute

20:50

best friend.

20:53

My favorite memory of him

20:55

was when he bundled me and

20:57

my sister up in our snow suits

21:00

and took us to the park to play in the

21:02

snow for

21:03

hours.

21:07

And my mom, she waited inside like

21:09

a leave it to be of her mom making hot

21:11

chocolate.

21:15

So when my dad moved out,

21:18

I lost my playmate.

21:21

I lost my partner in crime.

21:26

And after he left, he

21:29

didn't call. He

21:31

didn't return phone calls.

21:34

He didn't visit.

21:37

And he'd often missed his assigned weekends

21:39

with me and my sisters.

21:47

Then when he got together with my stepmother, I

21:49

got to live with them for several years in

21:52

my tweens and in high school.

21:54

All of a sudden, I didn't have to hope

21:57

he'd return my phone calls or come around.

22:00

I didn't have to hear him say he

22:02

couldn't talk because he was having dinner with

22:04

his new family. I

22:07

was in his new family and

22:10

he was right there. As

22:13

an adult, I worked for my dad's business

22:16

for a while. And when I worked for him,

22:18

I'd see him every day. I would

22:20

joke around and get along just like when I was

22:22

little. And if I called him, he

22:25

called me back.

22:33

But once I stopped living and working with

22:36

him, I

22:37

didn't see him anymore. And

22:41

he stopped returning my phone calls.

22:45

He was gone.

22:51

But his new family? They

22:55

seem to have a charmed life.

22:58

A mom and a dad in love with really

23:01

cool kids. A full

23:03

family. And

23:06

as I got closer to my half-sister, she'd tell

23:08

me about my dad. Taking

23:11

pictures of her while she got ready for prom,

23:13

just like it is in the movies.

23:17

He even showed up for a 5K

23:19

run that she did to cheer her on.

23:23

Yet, he hadn't shown up for my

23:25

graduation.

23:27

From university.

23:38

I mean, I knew

23:41

I was jealous. But I

23:43

didn't realize how desperately I wanted

23:46

to be a permanent member of my dad's

23:49

new family. So

23:51

when my stepmother called and asked

23:53

if I wanted to adopt this child with

23:56

the full support of her and my dad,

23:58

I

23:59

would be the mom.

23:59

to the first grandchild my dad and my

24:02

stepmother wanted so much. Something

24:05

inside of me said, this

24:07

is my way in.

24:16

I felt blindsided. It

24:21

seemed no matter what I did, I

24:23

would never be enough to fully

24:25

belong.

24:29

I was broken.

24:36

Now I knew exactly why

24:38

I had been angry.

24:41

My anger had been protecting

24:43

me from my pain.

24:48

But now that I knew the pain existed, I wanted

24:52

to let it go. I wanted

24:54

to feel normal again. So

24:59

in that little cabin amongst towering

25:01

trees

25:03

and nurturing sunshine, I

25:06

let the healing begin.

25:18

That week, I stayed

25:20

still and allowed myself to

25:23

feel my deepest pain.

25:27

And as I did that, as I processed the

25:29

real feelings that had been buried for

25:31

so long, there was no

25:33

space left for the anger. When

25:38

the week was over, I was

25:40

still grief soaked. But

25:43

I was so relieved to

25:45

feel something I understood and

25:48

could reckon with in real time. Honestly,

25:53

by the end of the week,

25:55

even knowing I had more grief to

25:57

work through, I felt

25:59

refreshed. refreshed.

26:07

When I got home from the cabin, I still got

26:09

angry. But

26:11

it was like the little annoyances of everyday

26:13

life. The

26:19

grief was still there too.

26:21

It takes a long time to be done with

26:23

grief.

26:28

But finally I knew what I was feeling.

26:31

And that felt good.

26:40

I know I will never be a real member of

26:42

my dad's new family. And

26:44

honestly, I

26:46

don't want

26:47

to be.

26:50

I realized that the fantasy family I'd created

26:53

in my mind,

26:53

that wasn't real.

26:57

The real family dynamic I found out

27:00

is something I don't want to be a part

27:02

of.

27:04

And nature helped me see that.

27:23

I had processed a lot of feelings since

27:26

the adoption fell through. But

27:29

it wasn't until my trip to the cabin,

27:32

until nature forced me to stop and

27:35

let go, that I could

27:37

even express the deepest pain I

27:39

had inside. Sometimes

27:46

the feelings that are causing us problems are

27:49

buried so deep that

27:51

only the stillness of the woods can show

27:54

us what we're truly feeling.

27:58

And only by letting our feel

28:00

those feelings?

28:03

Can we start to reclaim our

28:06

inner peace? That

28:25

was Mikaela Van Kooten. She's

28:27

a radio producer living in Toronto.

28:30

If you want to see more of her work, I have a link

28:32

at our website, outtherepodcast.com.

28:50

Coming up next time on Out There,

28:53

Naomi Meller never learned how

28:55

to swim. And taking lessons

28:58

as a grown-up? Well, that

29:00

seemed out of the question. Swimming to

29:02

me was like riding a bike or learning

29:04

to drive. It was a rite of passage

29:07

for young people, not adults.

29:09

I couldn't imagine telling people that I was

29:11

learning from scratch. That would be mortifying.

29:14

And the longer I left it without grasping the nettle,

29:17

the larger the mental block became. Tune

29:20

in on July 13th for a

29:22

story about learning something new

29:25

as an adult.

29:29

Okay, so time for a pop quiz.

29:32

Where do you think the majority of Out

29:34

There's funding comes from?

29:38

Is it A, advertisements,

29:41

B, gifts from listeners, or

29:44

C, grant money? If

29:47

you guessed B,

29:48

you are correct. Last

29:50

year, about two-thirds of our revenue

29:53

came from listeners. Two-thirds!

29:55

That is huge. It's

29:58

because of you that we are able

29:59

to create thoughtful, introspective

30:02

stories.

30:04

So to everyone who is already supporting

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30:09

thank you. I am blown away by your generosity.

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Out There is a proud member of

30:49

Hub & Spoke, a collective

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of idea-driven independent podcasts.

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One of the other shows in the collective that I think you'd

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really enjoy is called Ministry

30:59

of Ideas. It's a small

31:01

show about the big ideas that shape

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our world. Most recently,

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they've been running a special series about the

31:08

relationship between religion and science.

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You can find Ministry of Ideas wherever

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you get your podcasts or at ministryofideas.org.

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Support for Out There comes from Peakvisor.

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Peakvisor is an app that helps you make the

31:25

most of your time in the mountains. They

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have intricate 3D maps to help you plan

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out hikes. Once you're in the mountains,

31:32

you can use the app to figure out what peaks you're looking

31:34

at. And if you need a little help staying motivated,

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they also have a peak bagging feature. If

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you'd like your own personal mountain guide, check

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out Peakvisor in the App Store. You

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just might love it.

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Today's story was written and narrated

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by Micaela Van Kooten. Story

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editing and sound design by me, Willow

31:58

Belden. Out There's...

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Advertising Manager is Jessica Haig,

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our Audience Growth Director is Sheba Joseph,

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our Ambassadors are Tiffany Duong, Ashley

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White, and Stacia Bennett, and our theme

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music was written by Jared Arnold. The

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final episode of this season will be in

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two weeks. We'll see you then. And

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in the meantime, have a beautiful

32:19

day.

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Be bold, go outside,

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and find your dreams.

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Go to Beadaholique.com for all of your beading supplies needs!