0:00

Hub and Spoke.

0:03

Audio Collective.

0:08

We went on a skiing

0:11

tour, a backcountry

0:13

ski tour. And the thing was

0:16

that the weather was unreliable

0:18

on that day.

0:19

This is Denis Bulichenko.

0:22

So we went to the summit

0:25

and started our descent. But

0:27

at the same time, the clouds

0:30

arrived and it was like clear

0:32

whiteout. We weren't able to see anything

0:35

at all. And we

0:38

were quite lost.

0:40

Lost. In the mountains.

0:42

In a snowstorm. This

0:45

is not a situation you want to be in.

0:47

But luckily, Denis

0:50

had a tool at his disposal, an

0:52

app that he developed. It's

0:54

called Peak Visor, and it helps

0:56

you navigate in the backcountry. And

0:59

in this case, it was a lifesaver.

1:02

Using 3D map and the

1:04

terrain visualization,

1:06

we were able to track back

1:09

our steps and to find

1:11

a safe descent to the

1:13

valley.

1:14

Peak Visor is our presenting

1:16

sponsor this season. Check out

1:18

their app in the App Store. You just

1:20

might love it.

1:27

Hi, I'm Willow Belden

1:29

and you're listening to Out There, the

1:32

podcast that explores big questions

1:35

through intimate stories outdoors.

1:39

This season, we're exploring the theme

1:41

Secrets of the Earth. Each

1:44

episode, we're harnessing the power of nature

1:46

to uncover new truths and

1:49

help us understand our own humanity.

2:01

Today's story is about

2:03

losing your way. We've

2:06

all had moments when we feel lost.

2:09

Sometimes it's literal, getting lost in the mountains

2:12

or at sea. Sometimes it's emotional

2:14

when we question our place in life.

2:18

Either way, it's unnerving

2:21

and lonely. On

2:23

this episode, Stephanie Aguilar

2:26

takes us from the deserts of California

2:28

to the jungles of the Philippines and

2:31

explores how you get back on track

2:33

when you lose your way both literally

2:36

and figuratively.

2:38

I

2:41

was at the top of this ridge and

2:43

I was by myself. The

2:46

wind was so strong that

2:48

I thought it would knock me off the cliff.

2:51

I kept saying to myself, don't

2:53

look down, don't look

2:56

down because I'm

2:58

really scared of heights. But

3:04

let's back up. At the

3:06

time, I was in my mid-twenties

3:08

and I was going through a quarter-life

3:11

crisis. I didn't

3:13

know what kind of work I should do. I

3:15

was under a lot of debt and

3:18

I wasn't sure what I was passionate

3:20

about. It was an unfulfilled

3:23

life. I was carrying

3:25

a lot of shame and

3:27

disappointment because I couldn't get myself

3:29

together. I was getting more and more

3:31

insecure about myself. It

3:34

was a downward spiral.

3:41

The one thing that helped was

3:43

getting outdoors. I

3:47

found myself drifting into the

3:49

mountains, forests, and

3:51

deserts, away

3:53

from where people crowded in places

3:56

where I didn't have to perform.

4:01

There was one year when I kept

4:03

my camping gear in the trunk of my

4:05

car all the time because I was camping

4:07

so much. Camping

4:11

and hiking was therapeutic.

4:13

Hiking was embodied meditation, reflection,

4:16

and knowledge seeking.

4:19

It also seemed to symbolize

4:22

the obstacles in my life, like

4:25

struggling and wanting to turn

4:27

back, measuring

4:29

to see if I can push myself

4:31

a little further

4:32

to pull it off.

4:39

But one day, that therapeutic

4:42

practice became something

4:44

else. Something unexpected.

4:48

Something frightening.

4:52

Packing for an overnight camping

4:55

trip and I'm missing

4:58

a flashlight.

5:00

My destination was Red Rock Canyon

5:02

State Park. It's in the desert

5:05

an hour away from where I live in

5:07

Southern California.

5:09

It was one of those weeks where I

5:12

felt mentally drained and I just

5:14

needed a quick getaway. So

5:16

at the last minute, I packed

5:19

up the rest of my camping gear and

5:21

hit the road.

5:28

When I got to the campground in the afternoon,

5:30

I was amazed. I

5:34

hadn't expected it to be this beautiful.

5:38

I pitched my tent at the foot of these dramatic

5:41

cliffs. It's

5:43

like I'm gonna camp in between some

5:45

giant's toes. After

5:49

setting up my tent, I decided

5:52

to go for a sunset hike. I

5:54

wanted to stretch my legs before making

5:56

dinner and take pictures of

5:59

plants during during golden hour,

6:02

taking

6:02

pictures was another meditative

6:04

activity for me.

6:07

I looked at my map. There was

6:09

a short nature trail nearby.

6:12

It's just what I needed. Gentle

6:15

and easy. I'm

6:20

all packed for my little hike. Let's

6:23

see what this trail is all about. As

6:29

I hiked, I photographed Toya Kaktai,

6:32

the ones that look like prickly teddy

6:34

bears. There were Joshua trees,

6:37

yucca plants, and it was a very

6:39

clear sky. Even the moon was

6:41

already out. The sandy

6:43

trail led me up to a viewpoint

6:46

high above the campground. And

6:48

the view...ugh, the

6:51

view was spectacular.

6:55

From the top, I saw a panorama

6:57

of hoodoos, these tall thin

6:59

rock formations that remind

7:01

me of chess pieces. I

7:03

saw shallow caves in

7:06

the cliffs across from where I stood.

7:09

I had planned to turn back at this point, but

7:12

I was so curious about this place. It

7:15

looked mystical. It

7:18

was

7:18

also my first time here, and I

7:20

only had this one night.

7:23

I wanted to keep exploring. Judging

7:26

from the map, it looked like there

7:28

was a trail that would take me

7:30

down into the canyon in front of me.

7:33

I could then pick up another trail

7:36

and loop back to the campground.

7:38

Easy. I decided

7:40

to try it,

7:41

but

7:43

it didn't take long for

7:45

me to wonder if this

7:48

was a good idea.

7:51

First of all, the trail was very

7:53

exposed, and remember I have

7:55

a fear of heights. Okay.

8:00

It's so high!

8:04

Secondly, the

8:06

terrain was rough. This wasn't an

8:09

easy nature trail anymore. It was steep,

8:12

slippery, and rocky. And

8:15

I wasn't prepared. This is the

8:17

first time I brought my running shoes, which

8:20

isn't really for hiking. I

8:22

didn't bring my hiking boots. But

8:24

I figured that once I got down

8:27

to the bottom, it would be okay.

8:29

It would be worth it.

8:31

So I took a deep breath...

8:36

and scrambled down, clinging to

8:38

rocks and loose dirt. I

8:40

kept slipping. The wind

8:43

kept trying to blow me off course. But

8:45

then I finally

8:48

made it to the bottom.

8:53

The trail wasn't very clear down

8:56

here, but I saw footprints

8:59

in even some tire tracks, so

9:02

I followed them. By

9:05

now, the sun had gone down and

9:08

it was twilight.

9:09

I could still see,

9:11

but I knew it would be dark soon.

9:14

I felt a twinge of fear in my gut,

9:17

saying, maybe I should turn

9:19

back. But

9:20

my fear often placed tricks on me.

9:23

It tells me not to do things even when

9:25

they're perfectly safe. So

9:27

I

9:28

tried to ignore it.

9:30

I told myself to focus on the beauty

9:32

around me and stop worrying.

9:39

After a while, I came to a group of Joshua

9:41

trees, plumped together,

9:43

and it reminded me of a typical

9:46

family portrait. It felt

9:48

like they were saying, welcome to

9:50

this side of the canyon. See,

9:54

there was nothing to be scared of.

9:58

The canyon

9:58

was gorgeous.

9:59

in the soft evening light.

10:02

Looking around, I could see the contours

10:05

and silhouettes of plants and

10:08

the hoodoos against the canyon walls and

10:11

all of the beautiful rock formations.

10:15

I kept walking and walking and

10:18

the stars came out. But

10:20

eventually, the

10:22

fear came creeping back

10:24

into my mind.

10:29

My gut tugged at me like

10:32

it was saying, hey, you sure

10:34

you want to keep going? Again,

10:37

I tried to ignore it, but

10:39

it lingered. Oh my gosh, I'm

10:42

still walking. What

10:44

the heck?

10:44

I took

10:47

out my phone and opened up Google

10:49

Maps. I didn't have reception in

10:51

the canyon, but I had downloaded a

10:53

map of the area ahead of time. It's

10:56

a precaution I often take when I go

10:58

hiking somewhere new.

11:01

I looked at the little blue dot on the map showing

11:04

me where I was. It

11:06

looked like I was more than halfway back to the campsite.

11:10

Okay, I can do this, so I

11:12

kept walking.

11:15

But then the path began

11:18

to get steep and

11:20

the opposing cliffs got closer

11:23

to each other.

11:25

And then they joined together

11:27

like two hands intertwining

11:29

their fingers. It

11:32

was a dead end. I

11:38

reached out and attempted to climb

11:40

the rock,

11:42

but it felt too dangerous. I didn't

11:44

know how to rock climb.

11:47

I checked my map and compared

11:50

it to Google Maps. And

11:52

that's when I realized that I

11:55

wasn't where I thought I was. And

12:01

not only that, I was sort of

12:04

trapped. As

12:11

panic started setting, I also

12:14

felt myself disconnect from

12:16

my body. Like a scene

12:18

from a thriller movie where I'm

12:20

the audience and I'm

12:22

watching this character struggle

12:25

at the bottom of this tiny canyon.

12:28

And

12:30

then thoughts started crowding my mind.

12:32

This can't be happening. I shouldn't listen to

12:34

my guts. I think it was okay to go on this

12:36

hike alone when it was getting dark. What if there's

12:38

a creepy person following me this whole

12:40

time? What if I don't make it back to the campground

12:42

tonight?

12:48

I

12:49

felt so alone. This hike

12:52

was supposed to be short

12:54

and easy, but I

12:56

had already been out for two hours and

12:59

it was anything but easy. The

13:02

fear in my gut intensified.

13:16

Hey, it's Willow. We'll

13:18

hear the rest of the story in a moment. But

13:21

first,

13:22

if you've ever faced an unexpected

13:25

night in the back country,

13:27

you probably spent some time worrying

13:29

about how you were gonna stay warm. So

13:32

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14:05

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And now back to the story.

14:29

By

14:29

now it was completely

14:32

dark. And since I was at this dead

14:34

end, I had no

14:35

choice but to turn back.

14:39

I hoped I'd be able to retrace

14:41

my steps and get back the way I came. I

14:45

dug out my headlamp,

14:48

but it didn't do much to help me orient

14:50

myself. If anything, it made me more scared.

14:54

It looked like I was in a very bad mood. Illogical

14:58

fears started crowding into my brain,

15:01

like in those horror films where a

15:03

monster could pop out of nowhere. I

15:06

was starting to get paranoid. In

15:14

the distance, I heard yelping, maybe

15:17

a pack of coyotes.

15:24

A few minutes later, I heard a noise,

15:26

like something scuttling in front

15:28

of me. Could

15:30

it be a lizard? A

15:33

mouse? A

15:35

snake? I

15:46

showed my headlamp on the canyon floor, trying

15:48

to see my footsteps so I could follow

15:50

them back. But I couldn't

15:53

see them.

15:54

It was like the sand had swallowed up any

15:56

trace of where I'd come from. I

16:00

squinted my eyes, trying

16:02

to read the cliffs and search

16:05

for clues. But their

16:07

shapes looked too similar.

16:11

I walked and walked,

16:14

but I kept hitting dead ends.

16:17

I was starting to get tired.

16:20

I checked Google Maps for hints, but it

16:22

wasn't much help.

16:28

As I walked, I started

16:30

talking out loud. I talked

16:33

to the ground, the animals

16:36

I couldn't see, the cliffs,

16:38

the moon. I

16:41

asked everything around me, could you help

16:43

me find my way? Please. Of

16:47

course, I wasn't expecting

16:49

any of them to actually say something, but

16:52

I didn't know what else to do. I

16:55

just had to tap into my spirituality

16:58

to keep me grounded in some way.

17:02

It helped a little,

17:04

but only for a moment or two, then

17:06

the panic would set in again.

17:12

Finally, I sat on a rock to

17:14

take a break. I was so nervous,

17:16

I couldn't think straight.

17:18

All I knew was that I really didn't

17:20

want to spend a night in this canyon.

17:24

And then, I happened

17:27

to look up at the moon.

17:31

It was full. It

17:34

laid a blanket of soft light over

17:36

the canyon, just barely enough to see

17:38

shadows. As

17:42

I sat there, gazing at the moon,

17:46

a memory drifted into my mind. Or

17:49

rather, a story my mother had told me,

17:52

a story from her childhood. The

17:56

moon laid down, moonlight,

17:58

moonlight. guided by

18:00

the moonlight. My

18:05

mom grew up in the Philippines and

18:08

when she was nine years old her mother, my

18:10

grandmother, was offered a job far away

18:13

from home. And

18:16

she has to take it even if

18:19

it's so far from us, even

18:21

if it means she has to

18:24

be separated from us, from

18:26

her kids

18:28

and her husband.

18:30

She needed to get the job because

18:33

she has to help support the family.

18:41

My grandmother, Lola, left

18:44

it with their two babies to work in the mountains

18:46

while my grandfather, Lolo,

18:48

stayed behind

18:50

and took care of the older kids, including

18:53

my mom.

18:54

By the way, Lola means grandmother

18:56

and Tagalog and Lolo

18:59

means

19:00

grandfather.

19:03

Every few months, Lola

19:05

would travel with the kids to visit Lola

19:08

and the babies.

19:09

In the trip they made, it's

19:11

something my mom remembers so vividly

19:14

because it was really hard.

19:21

We have to get up early, like 4

19:25

a.m. because we need to take the

19:27

bus

19:29

This wasn't a simple trip. The

19:31

bus would take hours to reach

19:33

the coast, where they would wait for

19:35

a banga, which was

19:37

a dugout canoe.

19:43

We stay in

19:45

the boat for at least four to five

19:47

hours. At

19:50

the time, my mom didn't know how to swim.

19:53

There were no life vests either. You

19:55

have to keep still while you

19:58

are sitting down.

19:59

because they will get

20:02

mad at you. You might outbalance

20:04

the bunker and

20:07

you might fall and

20:10

capsize.

20:13

Capsizing was a very real risk,

20:16

and it was scary because my

20:18

mom's imagination ran wild.

20:21

I was looking for

20:24

ghosts or some scary

20:26

because it was so dark

20:29

at night.

20:32

After the boat ride, they

20:34

had to walk for six or seven hours,

20:37

alone, through the jungle. It

20:40

was hard for me and

20:42

for my two brothers who are still

20:45

small to walk in a very

20:47

dark, dark place. We

20:51

didn't even have a flashlight on

20:55

the moonlight. My

20:58

father is an expert of navigating,

21:01

even if there is no trail. I

21:04

sometimes see him looking

21:06

at the vegetation, the trees,

21:09

the forms of the mountains,

21:11

the forms of the hills. They

21:17

walked on fallen trees, branches,

21:20

and bamboo, with only rubber

21:22

slippers on. We pass

21:24

by the swamp

21:26

where our legs are buried. Sometimes

21:32

it's knee deep, sometimes it's waist

21:35

deep. So my

21:37

father has to pull us out

21:40

from the mud. Sometimes

21:43

my father would tell me, step

21:47

on my footsteps after

21:49

me. So that's what I

21:52

did. Because it means

21:54

that when he steps on it,

21:57

it's already safe.

22:00

So, reality check.

22:02

This was in the 1960s in

22:04

the rural Philippines. My mom

22:07

and Lolo were doing all

22:09

this without any outdoor gear.

22:11

No hiking shoes, no compass,

22:14

no map.

22:16

We only pack two sets of

22:18

clothes. We don't have

22:21

food or snacks to pack

22:23

up. What about water? No.

22:26

How did you... We don't have bottled

22:29

water before. How did you drink water?

22:32

We didn't. We did not until we

22:34

reached the house. You mean it would take

22:36

a whole day? Yeah. Yeah.

22:43

So... Did

22:46

anyone cry at any point? No. We

22:51

cannot even complain.

22:57

My mom

22:57

had shared this story with me a handful of

22:59

times, but until now, I

23:01

had never connected with it very strongly.

23:05

Her stories were like photos in

23:07

a dusty old album. They

23:09

felt so distant.

23:12

But now, lost and alone in the

23:15

desert, the story felt much more

23:17

relatable.

23:17

The fears my

23:20

mom had felt as a nine-year-old hiking

23:22

through the jungle at night, they weren't

23:24

that different than the fears I was

23:26

feeling. Navigating

23:28

in the dark wasn't easy for her and Lolo

23:31

either. As

23:36

I thought about everything she had been through, my

23:39

own situation started to feel less

23:41

dire.

23:44

I had more than enough to survive a night. I

23:47

carried plenty of water and

23:48

snacks. I had a jacket

23:51

for extra warmth. Worst

23:54

case scenario, I'd have to sleep outside without

23:56

a tent, which is not life-threatening.

24:00

Just be uncomfortable. An

24:02

inconvenience.

24:07

At that moment, I felt a bit

24:09

ashamed.

24:10

Not just about me getting lost in the desert.

24:13

I felt shame in my quarter life crisis.

24:17

Even though I was jobless, I had somewhere to

24:19

go. My parents welcomed me home.

24:22

I was still on their health insurance. I

24:25

had my own car. Having a

24:27

job was important, but I didn't need to

24:29

figure out all my career or life

24:31

goals right away.

24:34

As I sat at the bottom of the canyon

24:36

in the moonlight,

24:38

thinking all these things, I

24:40

felt myself softening.

24:47

It was still dark, and I still

24:49

didn't know how to get back to the campground.

24:52

But I wasn't so scared

24:54

anymore. My heart had

24:57

calmed. Finally,

24:59

I could think and see more

25:01

clearly. And once my mind was

25:03

clearer, I realized

25:06

I could handle this. I had the skills

25:09

to find a way out of this

25:10

mess. I

25:13

thought back to my mom's story. Lola

25:16

was able to figure out the way without

25:18

a map or a compass. He

25:21

just needed to read his surroundings using

25:23

the moonlight, his memory, and

25:25

his own knowledge.

25:28

I felt that if he could do it, I could somehow

25:30

pull this off. And I began

25:33

to trust that I was going to be all right.

25:36

I took a deep breath, closed

25:40

my eyes, and

25:43

retraced my steps in my mind, scanning

25:46

my memory.

25:51

Then I remembered seeing the family

25:53

portrait of Joshua Treez.

25:56

If I could locate them, then

25:58

I'd be able to find that one day,

25:59

One trail that first connected me

26:02

to the bottom of this canyon.

26:12

It wasn't easy. There were

26:14

so many Joshua trees. I

26:17

encountered more dead ends. But

26:21

I could feel that I was getting

26:23

closer. That's what my gut was telling me.

26:28

And then finally, I found them. The

26:30

family of Joshua trees. A

26:33

crowded bunch in the blue shadow. From

26:36

there, I found the trail and... I

26:39

made it to the top. Wow.

26:42

I was

26:42

back at the viewpoint where I could see the nature

26:44

trail. Okay, now it's time to

26:47

go to my campsite.

26:50

I made it back to the campground just fine.

26:53

There were no animal attacks, no injuries.

26:56

No need to sleep outside without a tent.

27:12

Remembering my mom's story had calmed me down enough

27:15

that I was able to think clearly and find

27:17

my way. But

27:21

more importantly, I

27:23

learned something meaningful that night in the desert.

27:27

I

27:27

learned how important family stories

27:29

can be when you're trying to move through

27:31

this world.

27:36

Since that trip, I've turned to my mother's stories

27:39

over and over again. Stories like why

27:41

we migrated to another country. Stories

27:44

about eating and sharing what little food

27:46

was available. And how it was

27:48

hard to find a job in the Philippines. These

27:53

stories are humbling. And

27:57

I've come to learn that they offer me

27:59

solace.

28:00

in my own life. When

28:02

we go through tough times, it's

28:04

easy to get overwhelmed. And

28:08

remembering that my family members went through

28:10

their own hardships and

28:12

were able to navigate them, it

28:14

makes everything less daunting. Whatever

28:20

I'm facing, if

28:22

I tap into their stories, their

28:24

memories, I stop

28:26

feeling so alone. And

28:29

often, that's all you

28:31

need to find your way

28:35

in the world. That

28:52

was Stephanie Aguilar. She's

28:54

an audio maker living in California.

28:58

She's also a recipient of the Wicker

29:00

Awards, which support emerging documentary

29:02

makers throughout the world. You

29:05

can see more of her work at stephaniea.com,

29:09

and I have a link to that at our website as

29:11

well. Music in this story

29:13

included works from Mark Mirza and

29:15

Blue Dot Sessions. Music

29:28

in the background

29:35

Coming up next time on Out There,

29:37

Carolyn McDonald was struggling.

29:40

Big time. That was just one of those

29:43

meltdown days. It was a meltdown morning.

29:46

And

29:48

I just, you know, at my dining room

29:50

table, I just like,

29:52

okay, okay. And I just stopped

29:54

and I said, just go to the beach. Tune

29:58

in on May 18th for... story

30:00

about rekindling hope when

30:02

the tide is at its lowest.

30:10

One thing you can do to support out there

30:13

is leave a review on Apple podcasts

30:16

or wherever you're listening right now. We're

30:19

always eager for new listeners and

30:21

your recommendation is our best form

30:23

of advertising. If you've already

30:26

left us a review, thank you so much.

30:33

Out there is a proud member of

30:36

a podcast collective called Hub and

30:38

Spoke. One of the other shows in the collective

30:40

is called Print is Dead, Long

30:42

Live Print. It's a podcast about

30:45

magazines and the people who make or

30:47

made them. You can find Print is

30:49

Dead, Long Live Print, wherever you get your podcasts

30:52

or at longliveprint.co.

30:56

I'd like to give a big thank you to our presenting

30:58

sponsor Peak Visor. Peak

31:00

Visor is an app that helps you make the most

31:02

of your time in the mountains. It's got

31:05

intricate 3D maps and other features

31:07

that help with trip planning and route finding

31:10

and they have a peak identification feature

31:12

to help you figure out what mountains you're looking

31:14

at when you're out on adventures.

31:16

If you'd like your own personal mountain

31:18

guide, check out Peak Visor in the App

31:21

Store. You just might love it.

31:29

Today's story was written and narrated by

31:31

Stephanie Aguilar, script editing

31:33

and sound design by me Willow Belden.

31:36

Out there's advertising manager is Jessica

31:39

Taylor, our audience growth director

31:41

is Sheba Joseph, our ambassadors

31:43

are

31:43

Tiffany Duong, Ashley White and Stacia

31:46

Bennett and our theme music was written

31:48

by Jared Arnold. We'll see you

31:50

in two weeks and in the meantime have

31:53

a beautiful day, be bold,

31:55

go outside and find your dreams.

32:00

you