0:00

This is episode 437. Get out of your head with Ivy. Welcome

0:06

to Over It and On With It. I'm

0:08

your host, Christine Hasler, and for over a

0:11

decade, I've been a life coach, speaker, and

0:13

author. Each week, you'll hear me

0:15

work directly with a caller as I coach them

0:17

through a goal they want to accomplish or an

0:19

obstacle they may be facing. I'll provide a blend

0:21

of practical and spiritual advice, as well as tangible

0:23

actions you can apply to your own life. Now,

0:26

let's get on with the episode. Hi,

0:32

everybody. Welcome back to the show. I

0:34

have a beautiful episode today, and those

0:36

of you that relate to being in

0:38

your head or very cognitive or thinking

0:40

your way through things, I think I'm

0:43

really going to connect with this episode.

0:46

My own personal journey getting out

0:48

of my head has been such

0:50

an important thing. Even

0:52

my current coach interrupts

0:55

me. It's like, uh-uh, in your

0:57

head, in your head, out of your head. I'm like,

1:00

oh, my head is so useful. And

1:02

it is, it is at times. And

1:06

at other times, it's so important

1:08

and so deeply healing to get

1:10

into our body and actually get

1:12

into our inner child, which

1:15

I do with Ivy in this episode. And

1:18

once again, an episode is pointing

1:21

to inner child work as they

1:23

so often do, which

1:26

is why I am hosting a

1:28

free three-day workshop. I'm co-hosting with

1:30

my husband called Journey to Joy.

1:32

It's all about reconnecting to your

1:34

inner child and awakening your authentic

1:37

self. You can join us for

1:39

free at christinehasler.com slash

1:41

joy. As

1:43

you're listening to this episode, consider, do you

1:46

have trouble getting out of your head and into your body?

1:49

Have you been told to do somatic work or

1:52

body-based practices, but you just can't seem to do

1:54

it? Do you have a fierce

1:56

inner critic? Do you carry a lot

1:58

of shame? I keep these

2:00

questions in mind as you listen to my coach call

2:03

with Ivy. Ivy,

2:08

welcome to the show. How can I help? Hi,

2:11

thank you for having me. I

2:14

was reaching out because I

2:16

can't seem to get where I kind of want to be

2:18

in any area of

2:20

my life, romantically, financially, health

2:23

and body wise, career wise.

2:26

And I've been in therapy for a

2:29

few years and I'm slowly learning about

2:31

myself. It seems like a major recurring

2:33

impediment is a seeming

2:36

inability to, I guess, identify

2:39

how I feel. And in

2:41

addition to that, there's what seems to

2:43

be an immovable block

2:46

around doing like the suggested body

2:48

work and body scans. And

2:51

I suspect that might have to do with disassociation

2:54

or maybe some body shame. I'm

2:56

not super sure. So just kind of hoping for

2:58

some guidance. Okay,

3:01

so who's telling

3:03

you you need those things? My

3:06

therapist. Okay. And what's

3:08

the reasoning behind that? Well,

3:11

I've been discovering that I'm pretty

3:14

emotionally unavailable. And an

3:17

epiphany we had one time in therapy

3:20

was realizing that intellectually

3:22

I understand emotions and I can

3:24

speak to them. But in the

3:27

moment, I somehow seem to

3:29

not be able to identify what I'm feeling,

3:32

which seems to be

3:34

pretty difficult when you're trying to set a boundary of

3:36

like, I feel hurt when you say X, Y, and

3:38

Z, but I miss the skill to

3:41

identify what I feel in that moment. Okay.

3:46

So can you tell me how this like

3:48

shows up in your life? Can you give me an example? Yes,

3:51

I have a really hard time expressing

3:55

anger to romantic

3:57

partners or even identifying

3:59

anger. because there's so much,

4:02

I guess, concern that I'm

4:04

not worthy subconsciously, that it's this

4:06

mad dash internally to try and make

4:08

sure things remain copacetic. And

4:10

then in familial settings, you know,

4:13

I have a hard time

4:15

saying, you know,

4:17

when you make a passive aggressive comment or

4:19

when this happens, it makes me feel hurt

4:21

or angry. Instead, I want to say, like,

4:25

that feels really condescending or dismissive.

4:28

And so I can't seem

4:30

to crack that code

4:32

or that soft skill of

4:34

just drawing those boundaries or

4:36

protecting myself or standing up

4:38

for myself in different relational

4:41

areas. And then additionally, it seems to be

4:44

a struggle because I seem

4:46

to not be able to, I guess, look

4:49

internally to trust gut feelings or

4:51

use that kind of internal compass

4:53

at times. So I'm not

4:55

super sure. I struggle with quite a bit of shame and self-criticism.

5:00

And so that might be entwined in

5:02

this in some capacity. Yeah. How

5:05

long have you been in therapy? Since 2016. With

5:09

the same therapist? No, I

5:12

actually lived in a different country briefly. And

5:14

that's when I went through quite a bit

5:16

there and started therapy there and then returned

5:18

to the States in 2018. And

5:21

I started seeing my current therapist in

5:23

2019. So with the same person just over

5:25

four years. Okay, great. And

5:27

what progress do you think you have made? I've

5:31

made some big revelations with this

5:33

particular therapist. I don't think

5:35

I really fully understood the

5:37

severity to myself criticism previously.

5:39

I didn't fully comprehend how

5:42

cognitively driven I am

5:45

or cognitively, I guess I exist.

5:48

I seem to, I seem to have discovered,

5:51

in combination with therapy and of course reading

5:53

tons of books and your podcast has been

5:55

quite helpful in identifying there's a lot of

5:58

inner child wounding. And, you

6:00

know, I've got an anxious attachment style. So those

6:03

were kind of big revelations we've had in the last

6:05

couple of years. But I do struggle

6:07

a little bit. I'm quite direct. And,

6:11

you know, when I started going to

6:13

therapy, I was like, there's some stuff

6:15

that doesn't align. There's some things that

6:17

aren't balanced. I don't feel super great.

6:19

I want to try and compile the

6:21

user manual of myself to figure out

6:25

what's going on. What are our

6:27

areas for opportunity? What, you know,

6:29

systems can we put in place to get

6:31

back on track when we're struggling? And

6:35

my therapist is wonderful. She's been

6:37

wonderful, but she's not as direct

6:39

as I am. And I think

6:41

she's really been trying to be

6:43

intentional in pushing me towards nonlinear

6:45

work and pushing me into

6:47

my body and out of my prefrontal

6:49

cortex. And sometimes it

6:51

feels like we're speaking different languages and

6:53

I can get quite frustrated. But,

6:57

yeah. Right. Well,

7:00

a couple of things I'll say right off the bat.

7:02

There's no one size fits all approach for

7:05

anyone. What might have worked for your therapist or

7:07

someone for other clients might not work for you. And

7:10

a lot of the things that you're talking about, especially

7:14

having trouble boundaries, trusting

7:17

our gut, standing up for what we need,

7:20

that's really, really common. I

7:22

can relate to so much of what you're saying

7:24

personally. So I just want you to know

7:26

you're not alone and it doesn't necessarily

7:28

mean you're emotionally unavailable. What

7:31

it sounds like to me, and I'm

7:33

not disagreeing with your therapist, I just

7:35

also want to normalize normalize

7:39

a lot of what you're experiencing and feeling. Thank

7:42

you. So with, let's look

7:45

at the cognitive thing. First

7:47

of all, you're incredibly intelligent. I

7:49

can tell by how articulate you are, you're very, very

7:51

smart. So that's

7:53

a gift. And that's a beautiful thing. Now,

7:57

where we tend to be strong, we

7:59

tend to... spend

8:01

a lot of time in. You know, some

8:03

people that are very smart are going to feel more

8:06

comfortable in their intelligence,

8:08

in their cognition, than necessarily their

8:10

emotion, their body, their creativity. Because

8:13

it's not that those areas are weak, it's just

8:15

that we excel in one area. It's a very

8:17

well developed muscle. So like, why not use it

8:19

more? That's very common.

8:22

But what I'm curious about is what made

8:26

you have to go so in your head?

8:29

That's a very easy answer, actually.

8:31

Yeah. I think it's

8:33

a byproduct of how my

8:35

parents raised me to no fault of their own,

8:38

you know, as a byproduct of how they were

8:40

raised. And so as a child, I

8:42

was actually very emotionally expressive.

8:46

And I don't think

8:48

they fully understood how to help

8:51

me feel and fully process those

8:53

emotions. And so I

8:55

didn't have that support or space

8:58

and was actually very shamed for

9:00

them and frequently called a drama

9:02

queen. Or yeah.

9:08

Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

9:11

So it's not that your

9:13

emotions are unavailable, it's that you

9:16

carry a lot of shame

9:18

around your emotions. And they just don't feel very

9:20

safe. It doesn't feel safe for you to express

9:23

in that way. Absolutely. It

9:25

was a really alienating experience.

9:27

And so especially in romantic

9:29

relationships, it's really hard

9:31

to bring down that barrier because it's associated

9:35

with that alienation. Yeah.

9:39

Yeah, I know. I get that. So

9:41

I think what's going to be maybe helpful for you

9:45

because somebody that's like, so

9:48

in their head, getting you to lie down

9:52

and do a body scan is

9:54

going to be really hard for your brain. Yeah.

9:58

So What? I Want to ask you. Why?

10:01

Why does. Turn your think

10:03

it off, or at least. Muted or what

10:05

Does actually gets you. More.

10:07

Into your body. Is

10:10

there anything they can be cooking? It could be.

10:13

Time. With friends? That could be. You.

10:15

Is there anything? You

10:18

know, the only time I've been fully

10:20

self aware enough of that happening had

10:22

fail when I rock climb. Okay,

10:26

And what happened said? Well.

10:28

As steaks a pretty high when you're

10:31

thirty feet off the ground on the

10:33

festive Iraq in her. I'm

10:35

fully consumed with. Where. Am

10:37

I put my hands on it's? fully take

10:39

me out of my head and into that

10:41

hasn't say. About. Really?

10:44

Enjoyed by an omen I struggle

10:46

with there. Is there's a lot

10:49

of bodies you may have and I

10:51

don't feel very safe doing physical activities

10:53

in front of other people. Are

10:55

being been doing Ma'am You know when

10:57

I when I go for around I

10:59

went to do it at three am

11:01

under cloak and dagger scenarios. A

11:04

puzzle. With

11:06

you actually run at three am. Yeah,

11:08

anywhere from three to five am. On

11:11

weekends I have a. Nihilist.

11:15

Okay. The

11:18

Office Now I'm not. I'm not laugh

11:20

he Ned's you have more and more

11:22

Just slate. Oh it

11:24

is feeling the tenderness of this

11:26

human experience in the beach streams

11:28

will go to to keep ourselves

11:31

on on quote safe. Let's.

11:36

Begin less the question.

11:39

What State that? What's your

11:41

worst fear? In terms

11:43

of what people are going to think of, you. I

11:48

suppose my worst fear is that those see me the

11:50

way I see me. Pretty.

11:53

Which is how. Pretty.

11:57

Messy. And.

12:00

Unlovable. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

12:06

Why do you believe you're unlovable? I

12:11

really want to fall back into, like, the logic... ...of

12:15

that, you know, feeling alienated as a

12:18

kid for... ...being

12:20

who I was as a kid, you know, before those.

12:23

I think that's more than just logic. I think

12:25

that's truth. Yeah.

12:29

So it seems to me like a very

12:31

scared little girl is running the shell most

12:33

of the time. Yeah.

12:38

And what might be most

12:40

useful is really connecting

12:42

with that little girl who thinks she needs to run

12:45

at 3 a.m. And

12:48

be like, you know what?

12:51

We're gonna run at 8. I

12:53

got you. You're safe. No

12:56

one's gonna tease you. Nothing's gonna happen to

12:58

you. No one's gonna shame you. And

13:00

if anything like that happens, I got you. I

13:03

think what a big part of you

13:06

needs is to find that compassionate

13:09

parental voice inside of yourself that

13:11

never was there. Because

13:14

if you keep doing things to get in your

13:16

body, but you actually don't feel

13:18

safe in your body, then

13:20

it's kind of counterintuitive. Like,

13:23

I wouldn't want to do body scan if I don't feel safe

13:25

and comfortable in my body. Why would I want to get deeper

13:27

in my body? Exactly.

13:30

Yeah. Right. It's

13:33

an elegant way of raising it. Yeah.

13:35

I understand why it's difficult and why it's challenging.

13:39

So what did you get from that, from what I just

13:41

said? I think there

13:43

was a succinctness with which you said that it's

13:45

hard to get into my body when I don't

13:47

feel safe in my body, that I wasn't able

13:49

to comprehend previously.

13:53

Yeah. And yeah.

13:57

Yeah. Letting it sink in. Sorry. That's okay. No.

14:00

no apologies necessary. So where are you right

14:02

now? Are you in your house? Are you in your car? Where are you?

14:04

Yeah, I'm in my house. Okay. So

14:07

I just want you to argue on

14:10

a phone you can move around. Yes.

14:12

Okay. So I just want you to just

14:14

go stand in front of a mirror somewhere. Those have

14:16

to be full legs. I don't care. Does any kind of

14:19

mirror raise your face? Okay, we're

14:22

there. Okay. So I just want you

14:24

to feel your feet on the floor. Take your shoes

14:26

off if you can. So your

14:28

barefoot. And

14:31

I just want you to feel

14:34

your feet on the floor. And

14:36

how does it feel to feel your feet on the floor? It

14:43

feels dirty and

14:46

a little tingly because I was sitting on top of

14:48

my feet. Yeah.

14:53

Yeah. So just feel your feet

14:55

on the floor right here, right now in this moment.

14:58

No longer a child. No longer

15:00

living with your parents. And

15:04

then just feel the clothes on your body. How does it feel to

15:06

feel the clothes on your body? I

15:14

feel warm and soft.

15:18

Yeah. Yeah. Right. So just

15:20

notice right now your body is feeling

15:22

warm and soft by the clothes you're

15:24

wearing. And

15:27

then I just want you to look in the mirror and just

15:29

make eye contact with yourself and just take a deep breath. And

15:37

I actually don't want you to see your current

15:39

day self. So I want you

15:41

to look in your mirror and hold eye contact long

15:43

enough until you can see

15:45

or kind of imagine seeing you as a little

15:47

girl. Yeah,

15:51

I see her. Okay. And there

15:53

may be some emotions that are coming up, which is

15:55

great. Yeah. Great.

16:02

So I just want to ask if there's anything this

16:04

little girl wants to say or anything

16:07

she wants to express. She's

16:13

kind of lonely. Yeah, I'm

16:15

lonely. What else? A

16:20

bit invisible. Yeah,

16:23

I don't feel seen. Yeah.

16:33

You can use a hug. Okay.

16:38

See, I know it's maybe difficult because you may be

16:40

holding the phone but if you can you can wrap

16:43

your arms around yourself give yourself a little hug.

16:48

I can do that. Yeah. And

16:51

what I would just like you to

16:53

be aware of right now is your

16:56

emotions are very available to you. And

17:03

this little girl is safe

17:06

now to express them and

17:10

to be seen. I

17:14

just want you to kind of hold the reference

17:16

point right now for me being

17:18

with you as emotions come up and

17:20

you being with yourself as

17:23

emotion comes up. And

17:31

is there anything that you'd want to say to this

17:34

younger part of you. I

17:38

wish she just knew that in

17:42

the face of a world where

17:44

others are responsible for teaching her

17:46

about things that

17:49

she knows quite a bit more than they do about some

17:51

stuff. But

17:54

she didn't abandon that knowing. Okay.

17:58

So tell her directly in a way that it was. would make

18:00

sense to her. I

18:02

think you sound something like you're very

18:04

wise. Trust

18:06

yourself. Yeah,

18:11

trust yourself, when with

18:14

the grownups are telling you doesn't seem to make

18:18

sense internally. Right.

18:22

Right. Anything

18:28

else you wanna tell her? I'm

18:32

not sure. There's still just a lot in

18:34

processing. Ahem. Okay, you can

18:36

just be with that, Paz. Yeah,

18:40

I wish I could tell her to ignore

18:46

some of the opinions

18:49

she'll encounter from some of these. You

18:53

can't. Don't grab her that are insecure and

18:55

don't know it. You can.

18:58

So right here, right now, what

19:00

do you wanna tell her is not true, that maybe

19:02

she believed was true? But

19:07

her dreams are worth the investment. What

19:13

else? She's

19:15

worth the investment. She's

19:19

worthy, her dreams are worthy,

19:22

her emotions are worthy. Yes,

19:29

all of that. Yeah. What

19:39

do you notice in your body now? I

19:45

feel a bit warmer. And

19:49

my face is quite damp. I

19:53

feel a little steadier on my feet, on the

19:55

ground. Yeah. Yeah.

20:07

And I think

20:09

we can both agree right

20:12

here right now you are not emotionally unavailable.

20:17

We're totally in your head. There's

20:20

plenty of emotion and feeling

20:23

happening. And

20:27

when you look in the mirror, I

20:29

mean just look at yourself, what do you see? I

20:34

still see that sassy little kid. Yeah.

20:39

What would that sassy little kid want to say

20:41

you're a critic. She

20:45

probably tell it to get out of my way. We've

20:50

got stuff to do, people to see. Yeah.

20:56

And she may say something

20:58

like, I'm

21:00

not going to believe you anymore. Yeah.

21:07

I'm curious, do you ever see a

21:09

connection between this, this,

21:12

I guess, inner

21:14

child, ignoring

21:17

or inner child abandonment that we

21:19

might have and an

21:21

inability to be self

21:25

aware with your inner narrative. I

21:29

mean cognitive therapy a lot of the

21:31

conversation is around like stopping harmful narratives

21:34

as they happen. And I also really struggle

21:36

with identifying when it's an

21:38

inner narrative and not truth, you know, when

21:40

my world the sky's purple and everybody else

21:42

says it's blue, but it's about me and

21:44

I'm wondering, do you see that between a

21:47

connection between this inner

21:49

child abandonment and that, I

21:51

guess, skill, because here you say that my, you

21:54

know, my inner child is telling you not to believe some of that. Is

21:57

that helpful in also being able to.

22:00

to identify that harmful self-narrative and not

22:02

believing it? Yes.

22:05

Yes. So

22:08

I'll say it maybe

22:10

in a different way. OK,

22:12

great. This

22:15

is what, well, first of all, before

22:17

we go on, I just want you to put

22:20

a hand on your heart and just

22:22

thank little Ivy

22:24

for coming forward. And

22:27

just internally or out loud,

22:29

just tell her, she's welcome

22:32

anytime. And you'll be checking in with her more.

22:36

And then in your mind's eye, just put her in a

22:38

safe place. It can be a place you make up or

22:40

it can be a familiar place that you know in your

22:42

life now or in the

22:44

past. Grandma's house, best friend's

22:47

house, a tree house, a park you

22:49

make up. And

22:52

when you feel like she's there and

22:55

she feels like heart and acknowledged for

22:57

what she's shared, then just let me

22:59

know. Yeah,

23:06

thank you for making me do

23:08

actually safely making good use of your own heart

23:10

right now. Great. Perfect.

23:12

Perfect. Because

23:14

we don't want to abandon their child after they

23:16

come forward in the process. So

23:19

here's what I'll say. And I know you

23:21

really like to understand things. So I will

23:25

explain this. And that's a beautiful thing. I'll

23:27

explain this the best

23:29

I can. I

23:32

don't know that you necessarily have quote unquote

23:35

in her child abandonment. She's

23:37

very connected to her. She came forward pretty

23:39

easily. I think

23:41

more of what happened is you actually never

23:43

got to be a child. Children

23:48

are allowed to have freedom of

23:50

expression, freedom of dreams,

23:52

unbridled self-expression,

23:56

basically. And

24:01

you didn't really get that from what

24:03

I'm hearing You

24:07

had to go in your head kind of

24:09

be a little adult No

24:13

drama no dreams really

24:15

early Yeah,

24:20

I don't think it fully understood

24:22

that until you just know that yeah

24:27

So that to me is

24:32

Why they're such a self-critic too Because

24:35

when a child doesn't feel safe

24:37

to be a child, which

24:40

is our natural You

24:44

know inclination right you had to

24:46

suppress all the things that developmentally

24:48

were appropriate

24:53

Give us a present. Yeah How

24:56

do you big dreams? Being

24:58

dramatic all the

25:00

expression things that's all developmentally

25:03

appropriate childhood And

25:05

you were told that was wrong And

25:08

so because you were told just you

25:10

being wrong just you being you was

25:12

wrong You basically

25:14

decided something's wrong with me It's

25:19

all these things I naturally feel I want

25:21

to do are are

25:25

And changed and judged

25:28

and criticized That's

25:32

very very confusing for a child and

25:35

so you had to That

25:38

the inner critic was developed as a

25:41

way to protect yourself Because

25:44

if you're harder on yourself than anyone else's

25:47

and you're safe And

25:49

I know you know that cognitively I mean most of us know

25:52

that about our inner critic Yeah,

25:54

it's not about making it a critic wrong But

25:57

What's happened is instead of developing? The

26:00

been a. For

26:02

lack of a better word, Pure. It. Voice inside

26:04

of you. That

26:06

says things like you got

26:08

this sticker truth. Came

26:11

here. You know what did he

26:13

say when you got ceiling you've developed

26:15

in inner critic voice? Similar

26:23

to your parents. As well. We

26:26

internalize A voice We internalize

26:28

and that amplified the voice and

26:31

messages of our parents. That

26:34

becomes their voice. Kept

26:38

our side really have that things like.

26:42

The what comes up for you as I say it. By.

26:46

Immediately want to ask where actions that can

26:48

I say? going for a. Brief

26:52

period without. Me: My

26:54

biggest. My biggest recommendation would be it or

26:57

child work. Near it.

26:59

As far as I say that not

27:01

just because I'm passionate about it and

27:03

the work open I also experienced could

27:05

be wrong you you clarify for beats

27:07

I did experience. And

27:10

beautiful shifts with you when we get. A

27:12

good experience he dropping out of your head. You.

27:16

Still there little bit the it's roots

27:18

in the the questions but one hundred

27:20

percent just cognitive. Yes

27:23

definitely. Lotion their. Yeah.

27:27

Yeah, absolutely. With

27:29

as beautiful. So.

27:32

the how would be more of that it

27:34

or child work it also like fi you

27:36

need ways. Is

27:39

again what you want to be She's

27:41

it's so funny cause of about to

27:43

give you advice and tell you don't

27:45

take advice from people. That's exactly what

27:47

you want to be mindful. Of Ib

27:49

is. It sounds

27:51

like. Growing up you were told a

27:53

lot what to do and what not to do. And

27:58

so even though there's a party, It

28:00

might want to rebel and what city would.

28:02

ever you like. There's also a

28:04

party view that. Consistently.

28:07

Looking for someone to tell you what to do? The

28:10

or how to be it

28:12

so I would encourage you

28:14

to do is find ways

28:16

and seems that. Really

28:18

work for you. See.

28:21

Like instead of forcing yourself to

28:24

do a body scan, be like.

28:27

Okay what Led feel gets me going out

28:29

and let me the grass. Ice

28:34

bath. Or. Ready

28:37

A row is on the inside of my

28:39

arm in Philly. What that feels like? you're

28:41

like. Stein things

28:43

that help. The you. Connect.

28:46

Your body but that are in

28:48

your own way. To that makes

28:50

sense. Yeah. Yeah,

28:54

I'm curious to see. Semantic

28:57

work. Help with

29:00

that Also. The I think

29:02

about it works great. Idea.

29:04

It's. A beautiful way

29:06

to. Trace ceiling.

29:08

For someone who is very had a it

29:10

can be challenging to de smet Quick attack,

29:13

core of the know. that's that's helpful to

29:15

have clarified. But.

29:17

it it clarify for you. Why? They cheat.

29:19

Yeah, what you're saying is. There

29:22

he can't help but insists. for people like

29:24

you say you get your body Here's a

29:26

video that because they don't have faith in

29:28

my body, that's just another list to call

29:30

the things that might not necessarily work. And

29:33

therefore may feet into that. Moral

29:36

failing in or narrative That and

29:38

costs. At me as much as

29:40

brushing my here in the sunshine

29:43

for twenty minutes isn't think yes

29:45

exactly. And the more

29:47

you do that. The brush your hair

29:49

in the sunshine example. The

29:52

more you're going to. Feel safer

29:54

and safer. And your body is

29:56

that it additions you. Letting the

29:58

inner child come forward. and finally

30:00

giving yourself a childhood you never had. That

30:04

is going to help you then do the somatic

30:06

work or the breath work or any of these

30:08

other things that can take you to deeper levels.

30:11

But if it feels like too much of a

30:14

stretch, then I

30:16

encourage you to do things that feel like they're going to

30:18

get you where you want to go. You

30:21

know, there are many roads to Rome. Somatic

30:23

work is awesome. And

30:25

it might not be the best place

30:27

for you right now. But

30:30

I really trust you to make that decision. Not

30:33

anybody else. Thank

30:35

you. That feels very freeing.

30:39

And I feel very seen

30:41

and to have a little bit of renewed

30:45

hope that I haven't had in a while. So

30:47

thank you. It's my

30:49

pleasure, love. I just want

30:51

to say again, a lot of what you're

30:54

sharing is so relatable and so

30:56

very, very common. You

31:01

know, I remember I'll tell you a quick story. This

31:03

was years ago when I was working

31:05

on really connecting more

31:07

deeply to my sexuality and femininity.

31:11

And I hired this coach who was

31:13

like an expert in that. And

31:17

we were doing – we did like eight sessions

31:19

and she

31:22

would tell me to do stuff. And

31:24

it just wouldn't land for

31:27

me. And I

31:29

finally – a light bulb

31:31

finally connected when I realized

31:34

like this particular coach had been a very

31:36

sexual being since she was a kid. She

31:38

would tell me stories. And I was like,

31:40

this isn't the right coach for me. I

31:44

hired her because she kind of has what

31:47

I want, but I actually need someone who

31:49

struggled with this because someone

31:51

who this has always come easily for doesn't

31:54

understand how hard it is for me. And

31:57

It's giving me practices that are just –

32:00

Too far out there for me.

32:03

He. Is so I found

32:05

someone. Who was. Very.

32:08

Open femininity. It's actually

32:10

wasn't always. It

32:14

had to get there by getting. Another had

32:16

and everything like that. So

32:19

I share that with you because. You

32:22

know when. You're. Reading a

32:24

book or point therapy or even

32:26

listen to the podcast. It's someone's

32:28

gonna giving you advice from. Something.

32:30

That's been easy for them. And

32:34

then say oh try this the it'll be

32:36

easy for you to it may not be

32:38

in that's okay. Yeah.

32:42

That help. Totally. I

32:45

wish you could search therapists in

32:47

your insurance by that has it.

32:51

Affected. The city

32:53

so I know Now it's

32:55

important to. You don't feel safe,

32:58

listen minutes and like you doing really really

33:00

really. Beautiful work with you therapist.

33:02

Sounds like. An

33:06

part of how you trust your gut. Advocate

33:09

for yourself as like. Okay about

33:11

his can things. Grayson just. Working for

33:14

the hurts when I didn't Are you have

33:16

the other successes? Yeah.

33:19

You know, Yeah. Really stuck in

33:21

my. Body. Scans are

33:23

the only way to do this. And

33:27

I think that you are able to see

33:29

that connection between body safety and that not.

33:32

I guess communicating. Wow. That

33:34

down a little bit much for me what

33:36

he needed. The as here. Here.

33:44

Here, redacted, fully committed to keep

33:46

trying. He. He

33:50

ha well. And even

33:52

this. Is when

33:54

he say keep trying to sort of like eat

33:56

out. A

33:59

free throws. You're just shooting

34:01

and shooting and shooting. It's

34:03

less about a goal, but

34:05

more about like I'm committed to

34:08

loving myself, really committed to

34:10

loving myself and

34:13

understanding myself and

34:16

giving myself the childhood I didn't have. Yeah,

34:20

that's not broken. Yeah. Yeah,

34:25

I think that inner child work will help

34:27

with that perspective. Yes, absolutely.

34:31

And as

34:34

we wrap up and if nothing comes through,

34:36

that's totally okay. But are

34:38

you aware of anything you're feeling in your body?

34:47

I feel a little

34:49

knot in my lower back and

34:52

between my shoulder blades. I

35:03

feel a little lighter than I did earlier.

35:06

Okay. So with

35:08

those knots, instead of interpreting them, after

35:11

we hang up, just go stretch or

35:13

get a tennis ball, lay

35:15

down on it between your shoulder blades, move

35:18

your body in a way that helps loosen those

35:20

knots. Don't make them mean

35:22

anything. Just do

35:25

what would feel good. I

35:27

can do that. I know you can. Thank you.

35:29

So thank you, Ivy, for sharing your story and your experience and

35:32

for being courageous enough

35:37

to let me guide you through a little inner child process. So

35:47

there are lots of things we could have unpacked

35:50

in this episode, lots of roads we could

35:52

have gone down. One

35:54

was a big one. The one I

35:56

chose to go down. was

36:00

helping her actually have the

36:03

experience of being emotionally available

36:05

and connecting to her inner child. As

36:08

I felt that that was at the root of

36:11

many other things, including being able to take a

36:13

run, not between 3 and 5 a.m. Oh,

36:17

what we do to protect ourselves, the

36:20

lengths we go to to protect ourselves. And

36:24

what ends up happening is all

36:27

we do is hurt ourselves more, but until

36:29

we realize that so much of

36:31

what we're doing is protective patterning,

36:34

until we find another way to get

36:36

that protocol protection, we'll keep doing

36:38

the things that make us feel safe,

36:41

even if they aren't the healthiest things for us.

36:45

So for Ivy, she was

36:48

using her head to try to get into her

36:50

body. That never works. That never works. And

36:53

she had this beautiful therapist that has been

36:56

suggesting these things, which are great

36:58

suggestions, but for Ivy, just

37:00

may not work because she doesn't quite feel safe enough

37:02

in her body. So

37:04

how we start to really feel that safety

37:07

is nervous system regulation, which I've talked a

37:09

lot about on the show, but secondarily, really

37:12

reconnecting to that inner child. Often

37:14

why we don't feel safe in

37:17

our body is because we left our body at

37:20

a very young age because it didn't feel safe. We

37:22

didn't feel safe to be ourselves. We didn't feel

37:24

safe physically. We didn't feel safe mentally. We didn't

37:27

feel safe emotionally. And so

37:29

we checked out. So I wanted to give

37:31

her an experience of coming back into her body.

37:35

Of course, our work today was just a

37:37

taste of that, but I hope it reframes

37:39

some of her thinking around, I'm emotionally

37:41

unavailable. I want to

37:43

speak to you also what I shared about hiring that

37:45

coach that I realized wasn't the best bet for me

37:48

because she hadn't gone through something

37:50

similar. Now, I'm not saying

37:52

that every practitioner, coach therapist you hire has to

37:54

have the exact same journey you have,

37:58

but I find it is useful. if

38:01

you are working with

38:03

someone who has at some level struggled

38:06

with some of the things

38:08

you're struggling with. So for example, if

38:10

you are a super, super heady person

38:13

working with someone who always has

38:15

been super connected to their body

38:17

and their emotions and everything can be great

38:20

because it can be so inspiring and those

38:22

people are really good at that. However,

38:25

there can be a disconnect because

38:27

they haven't

38:29

ever experienced how hard it is

38:31

to get out of bed into the

38:33

body. I'm not saying that

38:35

that is the case for a therapist but

38:38

I do see this in

38:40

a lot of client practitioner relationships

38:42

and so my encouragement

38:44

to any of you when

38:46

looking for someone to work with is

38:48

not hire someone

38:51

based on being aspirational. They

38:53

have what you want. There's

38:56

that but you also want them

38:58

to be experiential, meaning they've walked in

39:00

your shoes. It doesn't have to

39:02

be the exact shoe or the

39:05

exact route but there's enough

39:08

of a shared experience

39:10

where they can help you get to

39:12

the other side. I see my work as a coach of

39:15

the people that I help or coach, even

39:17

any of you listeners, you're on the same

39:19

path too. You may just be a few

39:22

steps behind. My role is like, oh

39:24

yeah, I've been on that path. I know to turn here

39:26

or go there or watch out for that rock or watch

39:28

out for that ditch because

39:30

I've walked the path. That's

39:33

why I get so frustrated when I hear aspiring

39:35

coaches or even current coaches going, oh I haven't

39:37

figured out my life or I still have all

39:39

these things. I haven't figured out how

39:41

am I ever gonna help people and I always

39:43

say you're so

39:46

beautifully qualified to help other people

39:49

because you've walked your version of

39:51

the human path and human experience.

39:54

None of us are perfect. None of us have

39:56

it all figured out. Some of

39:58

us are just a little farther down the path. a doe the route.

40:00

All right everybody, that's the show for today. So, you need so much

40:02

love at Benny Blercy. Until next time. Thank you for listening to Over at

40:04

Non with It. I love hearing from you. Until

40:10

next time, I'm here

40:26

to get in over it and on with it.