0:00

This is episode 447,

0:03

why we have such

0:05

extremely different reactions to

0:07

different situations, even though we're

0:09

still the same person, with Jenny.

0:13

Welcome to Over It and On With It.

0:15

I'm your host, Christine Hasler, and for over

0:17

a decade, I've been a life coach, speaker,

0:19

and author. Each week, you'll hear

0:21

me work directly with a caller as I coach

0:24

them through a goal they want to accomplish or

0:26

an obstacle they may be facing. I'll provide a

0:28

blend of practical and spiritual advice, as well as

0:30

tangible actions you can apply to your own life.

0:32

Now, let's get on with the episode. Hi,

0:39

everybody, and welcome to the show. I know that was

0:41

a really long title, but I was trying to think

0:43

about how do I sum up what we talk about

0:46

in the show? And this is such

0:48

a great episode, because I know a lot of you

0:50

will relate to having just

0:52

completely different reactions to different

0:55

situations. Like, for example, you

0:57

might be really confident when you're

0:59

among close friends, but then

1:02

when you go to a party where you don't

1:04

know anyone or you're in a work situation, you

1:06

may feel like your confidence goes out the window,

1:08

or you might feel really confident in work. But

1:10

when it comes to dating or

1:13

a family situation, you might feel not

1:15

confident, or you might be super patient

1:17

at work, but really impatient with your

1:19

family. And Jenny brings

1:22

this question forward, and she asks how

1:24

her attachment styles may relate to this.

1:26

And what we discovered in the episode

1:28

is not so much about attachment styles,

1:30

it's more about the story we tell

1:32

ourselves in different situations. So

1:35

as you're listening to this episode, consider, do

1:38

you feel like you're a different person in different

1:40

situations? Do your reactions to

1:43

things sometimes not make sense? Like,

1:46

your reaction is way bigger than

1:48

perhaps the situation warrants? Do

1:50

you often prepare yourself for the

1:52

worst? Almost expect the worst, even

1:54

though usually the worst doesn't happen.

1:57

And Finally, as a kid, And

2:06

my combination with Johnny. Before

2:09

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3:55

my cousin call with chance Jenny,

4:02

welcome to the show. How can I help? Hi,

4:05

thanks, Christine. My

4:07

question today is around

4:10

attachment styles. And

4:12

I've been learning a lot about it recently. And

4:15

I've also been learning that the way you

4:17

do one thing is the way you do

4:19

everything. And I noticed that my attachment style

4:21

feels very different in different areas of my

4:24

life. And so that

4:26

was confusing to me. And

4:28

so my attachment styles feel

4:30

like at work, anxious

4:33

with communications and different things with

4:36

I'm dating men. So in

4:38

romantic relationships and dating, they

4:40

feel secure than some avoidant.

4:44

And then in my social circles with

4:46

my girlfriends and my family, it feels

4:49

secure. So

4:52

I don't understand why there are those differences.

4:55

Yeah. Also, it can be attachment style.

4:58

It can also be, you

5:00

know, what you're telling yourself about any of

5:02

those situations, either consciously or

5:04

subconsciously. And we can

5:06

have different attachment styles with

5:09

different triggers. Just like when you

5:11

could have a different attachment style with your mom than you do with your

5:13

dad. Hmm. Oh,

5:16

yeah, I can see that. What do you

5:18

see? How, I

5:21

guess I'm thinking, I guess an

5:23

adult, I can see how, I don't know,

5:26

I feel like with my parents, when we

5:29

have a good relationship now, and it feels

5:32

pretty secure with them. But maybe

5:34

not when I was younger. Mm hmm.

5:39

Well, and we can go there. And we

5:41

might go back there. But I really want to try

5:43

to answer your question. So

5:46

if you were to ask me, just if you're going to sum

5:48

up everything that you're asking me in

5:50

a question, what would it be? I

5:54

guess, why are my reactions sometimes

5:56

so different from a work perspective

5:58

than they are in my life?

6:00

social circle and since

6:02

I've recently been learning about attachment theory,

6:05

that's what the difference is that came to mind for

6:08

me. Okay, so how is this a

6:10

problem? Tell me how it's a problem for you.

6:13

Because it's so different. Like

6:16

it's it's such a, for example, if

6:19

I receive a like

6:21

a message or an email from

6:23

a family member or from a friend, I'm

6:25

very calm. My nervous system is calm. I'm just

6:28

in the moment. Okay, let me see what they

6:30

have to say. When I

6:32

receive an email or a ping from

6:34

a co-worker or a client, I'm instantly

6:36

in trouble. I'm instantly, I

6:39

did something wrong and my nervous

6:41

system is automatically like anxious before

6:43

I even read it. Okay, great. So

6:46

in that moment, you've time traveled.

6:49

Oh, that's cool

6:52

but also whoa.

6:54

Oh no. So

6:57

and not to the future to the past. Okay. So whatever

7:00

you have

7:03

co-worker boss work situation

7:05

going to, it's

7:08

triggered something. It's triggered some kind

7:10

of memory where you did get

7:12

in trouble or you were bad. Give

7:14

any sense of what that

7:17

is. I have thought about

7:19

something similar before and I can't

7:22

like specific memories don't come to mind

7:24

like this exact when I came home

7:26

from school but I do

7:29

like I feel like my body

7:31

remembers times growing up

7:33

where I was not if

7:35

I didn't do it right I wouldn't get love from dad

7:37

or I would get in trouble

7:41

and so that seems very even right now talking

7:43

about it that feels very true. Okay, what do

7:45

you feel when you talk about it? I

7:48

feel like anxious in my like

7:50

my heart chakra center and like

7:53

a little bit like my hands are

7:55

a little shaky little little and like

7:58

I I'm

8:01

like a little bit of shape, like I'm in trouble. So

8:06

let's just really just be with that for a moment. So

8:09

if you went into that shaky hands, kind

8:12

of shaky tight chest, and

8:14

you just were with that feeling, let's

8:17

just ask it what it needs.

8:20

What are the shaky hands and tightness in your heart

8:22

chakra, what does it need? It

8:27

just needs someone to like come over and like, like

8:33

bend down at my level and say,

8:36

it's okay. You

8:39

know, you didn't do anything wrong. And

8:42

I still

8:44

love you and I'm so proud of you. So

8:50

what would happen if you did that right now to

8:54

that part? I would probably

8:56

cry some more. That's okay. I'll give

8:58

you one, okay? Of course. Yeah.

9:05

So kind of put myself in

9:07

that situation and give that to myself, that

9:09

we were saying. We're just right

9:11

now, because the feeling is present. So

9:14

if you were just to put one hand on

9:16

your heart, one

9:18

hand on your belly or both hands on your heart,

9:20

if that's more where you're feeling it. So you've got

9:23

those shaky hands and you've got the heart. And

9:25

you were just to say those things to yourself, just try it

9:28

and see what happens. So

9:35

what's coming up is that I'm

9:37

very grateful and I'm receiving the

9:41

acknowledgement and the love from like

9:43

older Jenny. And

9:46

I'm also feeling like, why isn't the

9:48

headset in there? Yeah.

9:54

So little Jenny still really wants that from

9:56

dad. I

9:58

think so. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

10:06

And we can just really be with

10:08

her and really say, I really get why

10:10

you'd want your dad to say that. And dads should

10:13

say that. You just

10:16

really want to validate her feelings. Yeah,

10:24

I'm doing that and that feels good. It

10:29

feels like there's still someone, I feel like

10:31

I need someone to hold my hand. So I feel

10:33

like I'm holding

10:35

my little Jenny's hand and talking

10:39

to her and she's him. Well, I, you

10:41

know, why isn't dad? And

10:43

so, and I'm listening and I think that

10:49

being listened to feels really good. Yeah.

10:52

So maybe I can just try to answer the why

10:54

isn't dad. So I'm just going to

10:56

answer that and see how she feels about it. Cause

11:00

dad just doesn't know how. He

11:07

just doesn't know how to do it and

11:10

he's not going to. That

11:17

hits something. And then the, he's

11:20

not going to because

11:22

I think a part

11:24

of little Jenny was like just waiting

11:28

for when it will happen. Exactly.

11:31

Versus like, it's not going to

11:33

happen. So stop waiting. It's

11:37

not going to happen. So have your feelings about

11:39

that. Allow yourself to grieve

11:41

so that

11:43

we can let go. And

11:49

it is going to happen from big Jenny

11:51

and from other people in your

11:53

life. I'm sure there's been

11:56

other people in your life that validated you and said,

11:59

great job. or just

12:01

loved you for you, you know, not having to

12:03

do anything. Right? So

12:07

there's, it's just not going to

12:10

come from him. Yeah. That's,

12:16

yeah, that's really helpful

12:19

because now, you

12:21

know, my dad's still with us

12:23

and we have a very different

12:25

relationship. And so sometimes, you

12:27

know, these things are confusing

12:30

because now I'm like, Oh, now he

12:32

does say those things. But

12:35

then when I, yeah, when I do these, this

12:37

work, I'm like, there's a part of me that

12:41

just when I think I'm like, Oh yeah, this is in the past. And

12:44

then it's like, no, it's fair. I mean, it's

12:47

so real that I

12:49

instantly think I'm in trouble

12:51

before I even read a message. That's

12:54

gotta be something very deep. Like

12:56

this. Well, I think you've

12:58

already discovered it. Right?

13:00

So what I would encourage

13:03

you to do is when

13:05

you see a text or an email come from

13:07

someone that fits more

13:09

in that category, that creates that

13:11

anxiety, what I want you to

13:13

do is not open it. What I want

13:15

you to do is put your hands wherever they were, one hand

13:17

on your heart or both hands on your heart, one hand on

13:19

your belly, whatever you were doing before, make

13:22

a deep breath and

13:24

feel yourself in your body. Feel

13:28

the room around you, like really

13:30

get yourself in present time and

13:33

just say to yourself, I'm not in trouble. I

13:36

didn't do anything wrong. That's

13:39

hard. Yeah. Well,

13:42

it might take a few

13:45

tries to

13:47

start because this is a well ingrained

13:51

pattern and it's super subconscious.

13:53

Right? So it's

13:55

habitual in certain ways, but

13:58

the things that will help. is

14:00

really helping Jenny understand

14:03

that, you know, we

14:05

know that dad couldn't do that and

14:07

wouldn't ever do that for her. What

14:09

you can also do is like invite her

14:12

into present-day moment. You know,

14:14

like the next time your dad validates you just

14:16

for being you, not for achieving anything. You

14:19

could just internally say, little Jenny, I know

14:23

dad didn't do that then and that was really, really,

14:25

really hard and I just

14:28

bring you into this present moment with me that

14:30

you can experience what it's like

14:33

for dad to do that now. Like

14:35

start inviting her into those moments. I

14:40

love that. Yeah,

14:42

I think she needs more of those experiences.

14:45

Right, right. But

14:47

there's still like a panic program

14:50

because of that fear of getting

14:52

in trouble. Whenever we think we're gonna get in trouble, we

14:54

brace ourselves. Yeah,

14:57

it's like I want to prepare

15:01

my emotions accordingly so let me

15:03

panic ahead of time so that

15:07

if I see something bad, I'm

15:09

already able to hold it

15:13

or I'm already, I don't know, it's

15:15

almost like I'm already, let me already put myself

15:17

in a position to feel

15:19

like I'm in trouble so that it doesn't hurt

15:21

so much when I read it. Mm-hmm. And

15:24

that's useful. It's

15:27

useful. It's not

15:29

bad, it's a strategy. Yeah. And

15:32

on some level it's worked. Mm-hmm.

15:36

And that's why I'm not telling you

15:38

to say, everything's

15:41

okay, this is a

15:43

good message. I'm not telling you to say anything.

15:46

I'm actually more telling you

15:48

to like ground yourself, regulate

15:51

yourself, and say

15:53

I didn't do anything wrong,

15:55

I am not in trouble.

15:57

Mm-hmm. Because even if the message

15:59

is... something like, you know, Jenny, we didn't like

16:01

the way you did this report or

16:03

whatever it may be. That still doesn't mean

16:05

you're in trouble. It still doesn't mean

16:07

you did anything wrong. It's just feedback. Oh,

16:12

that's got a, that's a whole, yeah, you're right. When

16:14

you said that I

16:18

have to, that's another step I have to

16:20

take too, is that you're, you didn't do

16:22

anything wrong just because that's the perfectionist side,

16:24

which is another thing. Yeah.

16:27

Well, if it's not perfect, so

16:29

you're, you did it wrong. Right.

16:32

Mm-hmm. I'm

16:35

going to practice both of those. Yeah,

16:38

because, you know, growth and change, like

16:40

having to being able to connect the

16:42

dots is one piece, but

16:44

then the integration piece is like, how

16:46

do we create something in the moment?

16:49

You know, how do we really create something in the

16:51

moment? So for you,

16:54

you are going to be like breaking

16:56

apart a well ingrained kind

16:58

of neural net of a

17:01

habituated reaction to something.

17:05

And so you're going to, you're going to catch

17:07

yourself. It's sort

17:09

of like if you had this

17:11

dance routine and you knew every move

17:14

and then you decided, you know,

17:18

at 30 seconds into the dance, I'm

17:20

actually going to like move to my left

17:22

instead of my right and

17:24

do a spin instead of a kick or whatever. I'm just

17:27

making stuff up. It

17:29

would be, once the music came on and

17:31

your body started doing the dance routine, it knew

17:34

how to do for years and years and

17:36

years, you would have to think so

17:39

hard about that particular beat and

17:41

that particular move because

17:43

it would be so out of

17:45

the natural way your body knew how to

17:47

move to this particular song. Yes.

17:51

And so that

17:53

intentionality around shifting

17:57

it. And when we have that intentionality around

17:59

shifting it. with the loving awareness

18:01

of what's happening for inner child and

18:04

how we can tend to her and

18:08

You know Why and

18:10

how our time traveling? that

18:13

from my perspective is where we

18:15

really start to shift things and

18:17

where integration can happen because we don't

18:20

want to dismiss the Panic that she goes

18:22

into because it's understandable. I Can

18:26

see why she has that reaction she's

18:28

bracing her herself You know,

18:30

and if you are an empath highly

18:33

sensitive person, which is my sense if

18:35

you are the

18:38

rejection or Judgment

18:41

from your dad really hurt Even

18:45

if it was a little thing like oh you didn't get

18:47

an A. Yeah But

18:50

he's not great, but it's not awful. I mean even

18:52

just something little like that to you

18:55

Could feel awful Yeah,

18:58

I was picturing as you're

19:00

speaking like Changing

19:02

in that moment the pattern that dance is

19:04

a good example because I'm actually thinking dance

19:06

lessons. So that must have been channeled That

19:09

was great Yeah,

19:11

and thinking about You

19:14

said like so when it happens in the pattern

19:16

take a breath and tell yourself you're not in

19:18

trouble Is another way to think

19:20

about it? That would be helpful to think about

19:22

it like neutral in the sense of Whatever,

19:25

you know, whatever message comes

19:27

up whatever I actually see from

19:30

this email ping is Neutral

19:34

in you know going into

19:36

it versus is that another way?

19:38

Okay Yes, but you're

19:40

going to be more likely to be

19:42

able to actually feel neutral if

19:45

you regulate your nervous system first Mm-hmm

19:49

Because I don't know about you but whenever

19:51

I've been in panic or

19:53

worry or just regulated when

19:55

someone tells me oh Just

19:58

be neutral about it. It doesn't matter like to try

20:00

to speak to my mind, it doesn't

20:02

help. It's like telling someone who's having a

20:04

panic attack, go just calm down, take some deep

20:06

breaths. It's like, don't you think I'd calm down if

20:08

I could right now? It's

20:12

more about like taking

20:14

a moment to

20:16

get yourself in the present moment, regulate

20:19

your nervous system. Because

20:22

when you're triggered, what's basically happened

20:25

is you're hijacked by your subconscious. You're

20:29

hijacked by the trigger. And

20:32

it's so subconscious and it's so fast.

20:34

So when we bring conscious awareness to

20:37

taking a breath, feeling our

20:39

hand on our body, reminding ourselves

20:41

we're okay, we're safe in the

20:43

moment, letting our shoulders

20:45

relax, taking some deep belly breaths. Because

20:49

when we're in a body state where

20:52

our breath is regulated, our

20:54

belly is soft, our shoulders

20:57

are relaxed, our jaws relaxed,

20:59

we're breathing slowly, we're not

21:01

in a bracing position. Have

21:04

you ever seen someone brace themselves that's completely

21:06

relaxed? Or

21:09

even a little bit relaxed? No. So

21:11

you wanna move out of the bracing posture

21:13

first. That's

21:16

way more important than anything you tell yourself in

21:18

your mind. Yeah,

21:21

that makes me think of, I'm probably always

21:23

holding my breath in those moments. I

21:26

need to just breathe and

21:28

exhale for a long time. Like

21:31

four counts. Right. Yeah.

21:37

Then you can speak to yourself from that place because

21:39

your body, your subconscious mind is gonna be much more

21:41

likely to get on board if

21:44

you're not in a nervous system

21:46

response of bracing. Yes.

21:51

So that makes me think that, now I'm like,

21:53

do I ever feel that any

21:55

other areas and I don't and that

21:57

means that since it's worse,

22:00

It's always work-related, only work.

22:03

And that makes me feel like

22:05

it's tied to accomplishment and achievement. So,

22:07

yeah, that lines up with grades

22:10

and doing good in sports and everything

22:12

growing up because it never comes up

22:14

in any other communications. Right.

22:18

So, when there's established safety, when there's established,

22:20

like, this person likes me no matter what,

22:22

when there's established, like, I don't have to

22:24

do to get in love, then it's

22:26

an issue. When

22:29

it's not performance-based, you're fine. But

22:33

then that still makes me wonder why, like, in dating,

22:37

when I, I don't feel that in dating, but it

22:40

still feels like I'm trying to make this work, but

22:43

I don't feel that same sense of when

22:45

they, like, if they don't respond or whatever,

22:47

it doesn't bother me. Okay.

22:50

That's not trying to achieve anything, I guess. Maybe

22:52

that's why. Yeah. If something's

22:54

not a problem, I wouldn't focus on it too much

22:57

or ask why it's not happening there. I

23:00

would more look at, wow, there's

23:03

some belief I have around

23:06

work, the people I work with,

23:08

there's some category my mind puts them in,

23:10

there's some pedestal they're on. Yeah.

23:13

That is similar to the pedestal

23:15

dad was on, that causes

23:17

a bracing and causes me to

23:19

time travel and get dysregulated. Pedestal.

23:22

Oh, man. I

23:26

think that's, yes, it's

23:28

like I'm always trying, I'm never going to

23:30

be enough. This is just a story, as

23:33

you said that, of, you know, even

23:36

when I, you know, usually the emails

23:39

that I open are all good news, by the way.

23:44

But every time, but still, when

23:46

you said that, it's almost like, okay, but there's,

23:48

but there is still an error that they haven't

23:51

found yet. Kind of

23:53

thing. And I can see

23:55

how it's this idea that I'm

23:57

here to prove to you, to my employer,

23:59

to my boss to this project.

24:03

And that's really the whole purpose of

24:06

why I'm here. Like for, I mean,

24:08

I guess that is the point of the job, but there's,

24:12

I find that there's, I don't have a strong sense of

24:14

value as a person at work outside

24:17

of that. So

24:24

that last statement you said, I

24:27

don't feel I have much value outside of that.

24:31

What belief do you think creates

24:33

that thought? That

24:35

I am, I am

24:37

what I give to others for

24:41

what I produce for others. So

24:44

if I were to bullet point it, like if I

24:46

were to like just drill it down, the

24:49

belief would be I'm not enough.

24:52

Without validation. Correct.

25:00

And having a dad that was

25:02

very approval based, achievement based,

25:05

gotten in trouble if he didn't do the right thing, that

25:07

would definitely help enforce

25:10

that belief. Yeah.

25:14

So you get to really look at that,

25:17

you know, where am I telling myself right now,

25:20

I'm not enough. I

25:23

feel like that's another areas too, but

25:25

it's not as obvious. And

25:29

sometimes it'll be like, oh, that's a

25:31

harsh reality from this, whatever personal situation. But

25:35

I don't always think you

25:37

linger or journal or reflect because, you know, just subtle. But

25:44

then it's always clear as day at work. So that's what

25:46

I usually focus on. Yeah. So

25:48

what I would work with, without trying to like

25:51

unpack this too much, is

25:53

the shifting in the moment. Yeah.

25:58

Because if

26:00

you shift in the moment and start to like

26:02

put that new dance move in, what

26:06

that will by default start

26:10

to also decrease

26:13

in intensity is the belief I'm not

26:15

enough. Because it is

26:17

that belief that created that dance

26:19

move in the first place, the original one. We'd

26:23

say that again. What belief created the initial dance

26:25

move? I'll start using metaphors.

26:27

So it's a belief of

26:29

I'm not enough was

26:31

created by the dynamic with

26:33

dad. Yes,

26:37

that's true. That relates in the bracing.

26:40

So if you were to break

26:43

that pattern of bracing, by default, that

26:45

belief is going to start to break

26:47

down too. My

26:51

type by you was the timeline, but I know that's not appropriate.

26:56

I know if I want to do it right, I want to do it and

26:58

not get in trouble. But

27:00

yeah, that's, I'm going to have to

27:02

put post it notes up because

27:04

yeah, like when it

27:06

actually happens, I almost like freeze.

27:10

I just don't even, so I'm going to have

27:12

to catch myself because it's unexpected, right? Whenever these

27:14

things, emails come through, I don't know exactly when

27:16

it will be. Right.

27:18

But you know, the names of the people that trigger

27:21

you. And as soon as you feel the trigger, you

27:24

don't look at the email or text anymore. And

27:26

you do what we practiced about. I'm

27:28

not saying that you're not going to feel it right

27:30

away. What I am saying is

27:32

that you interrupt it.

27:35

And then eventually, more and more and more

27:37

able to diminish and decrease until it eventually

27:39

goes away. And

27:42

when I take a breath, and I say,

27:44

you know, you're not in trouble, it

27:48

can just be like a really present breath, right?

27:50

Like a just like a two

27:52

minute ish. Okay. Yeah.

27:55

And you will feel in your body when you regulate,

27:58

you'll feel it. And

28:02

you don't open the email until you do because

28:05

you want the relief to come from your own

28:08

body and not opening the

28:11

email and seeing that you're not in trouble.

28:13

You want

28:15

the relief to be internally sourced, not externally.

28:19

That makes me think another thing that could be helpful

28:21

to say to myself in that moment is you're

28:23

not in trouble and like

28:26

you're, no matter what you

28:28

open or whatever you see, you're still enough exactly

28:31

as you are right now. Yeah.

28:35

Whatever feels helpful

28:37

to you is perfect. I'm

28:39

going to really trust you on that one. Can

28:44

you do that? Yeah, I know you

28:46

can. I absolutely can.

28:51

Yeah, I could, I think

28:53

I'm more

28:56

sensitive than I thought

28:58

I ever was in the last couple

29:00

of years. So these

29:02

things are, they almost, they

29:05

almost shock me and they,

29:07

I almost think that's not me because

29:09

I'm tough and

29:11

not sensitive, but

29:13

then I suppress and then these things come up

29:16

really loud. So I'm trying to

29:18

be more gentle with myself even as they come

29:20

up and be, it's okay,

29:22

like you're not claw that

29:24

you are sensitive, that you need to

29:26

put that's okay. The

29:30

superpower, that's what I tell people. But it's like when

29:33

I see that for myself, it's

29:35

not always the same feeling. Yeah.

29:38

Yeah. Well,

29:40

that's why we're wanting to put in, to

29:42

use the metaphor again, a dance

29:44

move. That really

29:47

tends to your sensitivity. And

29:50

how we set tend to our

29:52

sensitivity is by helping to regulate

29:54

our nervous system and making

29:56

ourselves feel really safe and really seen.

30:00

That's how we tend to our sensitivity. We

30:03

don't bulldoze it. We don't try to pep talk

30:05

ourselves. We meet it. We

30:07

greet it. And

30:09

we really tend to

30:12

it and give it what it needs. In

30:16

that moment, yeah. Well, yeah,

30:18

we're, you know, shortly thereafter. So again,

30:20

if you see an email from

30:22

somebody at work, you still might have the immediate, but

30:26

then you're going to go, okay, I know what's happening

30:28

right now. And

30:30

I know how to be with myself. Yeah.

30:35

That makes me think I might even need some do

30:37

that again right after I read it, no matter what

30:39

it says. And then that feels true. Then I'll do

30:41

that too. Beautiful. You

30:45

work with yourself with

30:47

compassion, with

30:51

acceptance and love, but

30:53

also with commitment, like

30:56

it might take many

30:59

times for this to start shifting. Don't give up. Yeah.

31:04

I don't do it the right, you know, but there's no like

31:06

right or wrong way. I'm trying to tell

31:08

myself, it's just do your best. Trust

31:11

yourself. Yeah. I

31:14

can do that. I know you can. Thank

31:22

you, Jenny, for being willing to be so

31:24

vulnerable, for being willing to bring little Jenny

31:26

forward. I'm always just so honored and grateful

31:29

when the guests on the show are willing to

31:31

do that inner child work. It's so tender and

31:33

so sweet. There's a lot we

31:35

discussed in the show. Not too much. I want to

31:37

break down here. I really want

31:39

to bring and highlight what we talked

31:41

about. Protective strategy.

31:43

Because it's something I see with so

31:45

many people. So one of

31:48

Jenny's protective strategies was to prepare herself

31:50

for the worst. Literally, her nervous system

31:52

would brace and her mind would go

31:54

to worst case scenario every time she

31:56

saw an email or text from a

31:58

colleague. This is a survival. because

32:01

those of us who had trauma, and

32:04

most of us have, or have had an incident

32:06

where, you know, the worst happened or something did

32:08

happen when we got in trouble. Then

32:11

we think, okay, well, if I expect it

32:13

every single time, then one, I'm not gonna

32:15

be surprised, because one of the,

32:17

there's many difficult parts to trauma, one of

32:19

the difficult parts to trauma is the shock.

32:22

Shock is what really, really

32:26

makes trauma stick in our body. Because

32:29

we're going along, thinking everything's fine, and

32:31

there's hope, something happens, and we're shocked,

32:33

and our system is sub-shocked, and it becomes aimed

32:35

and imprint, and our psyche and

32:38

our subconscious, and our emotional body, and in

32:40

our nervous system. So her nervous

32:42

system had the habit of bracing. So

32:44

what we really worked on, we talked a lot about, we

32:47

talked about a lot in this call, but what we really worked

32:49

on, and what I would encourage you to work on, is

32:52

if you have a situation like that, where you're bracing

32:54

or expecting the worst, or you get really nervous,

32:56

or whatever it is, that you

32:58

can regulate.

33:01

You know, you can really take deep

33:04

breaths. You can

33:06

pause, you can basically interrupt the pattern,

33:08

because neural nets have formed in your

33:10

brain, where it's just

33:12

an unconscious pattern. And

33:14

so when you interrupt the pattern, when you pause

33:17

and say, I'm safe, I'm okay,

33:19

I'm regulating, because as

33:21

we grow and develop, we have to

33:23

update our survival strategy. So many of our

33:26

survival strategies were formed when we

33:28

were very, very, very young. And so

33:30

they're very outdated. I

33:32

am gonna guess that many

33:34

of you still do not use a VCR, or

33:37

a Palm Pilot. You

33:39

would love Palm Pilot's comeback technology has

33:41

gotten way too extreme, for

33:43

my taste, but I digress. You

33:46

have updated how you consume a

33:48

movie. You don't go to Blockbuster and

33:51

rent a VHS. You

33:53

watch it on Netflix, or wherever you stream.

33:56

Same thing happens with survival patterns. A

33:58

lot of us are still using. VHS

34:02

and not updating our programming. So

34:05

I want you to take a note

34:07

from today's episode when you notice

34:09

that you have a bit dual reaction to

34:11

something, interrupt the pattern. Take a deep

34:14

breath, think about creating an

34:16

anchor like your hands folded or you

34:18

could put your arm around your wrist

34:20

or you could sing yourself a song.

34:22

You've got to interrupt those patterns and

34:25

update those survival

34:27

strategies so that your

34:29

nervous system and that your child stops

34:31

bracing. Alright everybody,

34:33

that's the show for today. Sending you so

34:35

much love and many blessings. Until next time. Thank

34:39

you for listening to Over and On

34:41

With It. I love hearing from you

34:43

so please post your comments or questions

34:45

at christinehassler.com slash podcast. That's

34:48

also the place you can sign up to receive coaching from

34:50

me in an upcoming episode. And

34:52

if you love this show please share it

34:54

and subscribe in iTunes. You can find all

34:56

my social media handles and sign up to

34:59

be part of my community at christinehassler.com. Until

35:01

next week, here's to getting over it and

35:03

on with it. Much love and many blessings.