0:04

I was gonna blow my brains out, but it was. It was

0:06

raining. Welcome

0:15

to confidential.

0:22

I'm your whole stwit the most Eugene

0:26

is s robbins Son. Okay,

0:36

all right. So there's this guy.

0:39

He's in a cage. He's what you

0:41

know as a cage fighter, and

0:43

he is kicking ass,

0:45

you know, proverbial literal, figurative

0:48

heavy measure of the way kicking ass after

0:50

the first round. These

0:53

for fights are typically broken down into three

0:55

rounds. After the second round, something

0:58

strange happened, something you don't expect act.

1:01

He looks out at the audience. It looks

1:03

back to the ref, looks at his opponent. The

1:06

ref says fight. He says, open

1:08

the gate. Refs

1:11

is no, no, you're you're your head on points. What are you doing?

1:13

What you can't he says, open the gate

1:15

or all climb over the fence. They

1:19

opened the gate. Man walks

1:21

out through his teeming, screaming

1:23

crowd, never to return. I

1:27

asked him why,

1:29

He said, I didn't come here for that. Flash

1:32

forward to to a Tuesday,

1:35

Tuesday in September. I'm finishing

1:38

up Brazilian jiu jitsu and

1:40

this guy walks into the academy

1:43

is hanging around random

1:45

chatter, and it's somebody

1:47

dawns on me why he's there. He's

1:51

hair very specifically to fight

1:54

me. Now I'm

1:56

rushing to work. I say, cool. Sure. Strip

2:00

gets down to his shorts and we roll for

2:02

about ten to twelve unscripted

2:04

minutes, him, me alone,

2:07

no one else in the school, locked door lights

2:09

off. At

2:12

the end of it, he

2:15

turns him he and says, you know, I've

2:18

got a soap company. Max

2:24

More a guy who knows a

2:26

little something about life. It

2:29

may be a lot more than most

2:31

of us about death. I actually

2:33

really enjoyed being in combat.

2:36

Yeah you heard that right,

2:38

A combat medic who

2:41

actually enjoyed combat.

2:45

Yeah. I look, I'll

2:47

just let him tell it. You

2:50

know, the Marine Corps are our stormtroopers, right,

2:52

and they go in and they kicking the doors are the worst places

2:55

that we can come up with. Well, when

2:57

they get shot or blown up, the

2:59

core men as the guy who goes in and picks him up.

3:02

And that was my that was my job. The day

3:04

I took my licensing exam

3:07

uh to be a medic was September

3:09

eleven, when the when the towers fell. This

3:11

justin you were looking at obviously

3:13

a very disturbing live shot there. That is

3:15

the World Trade Center, and we have unconfirmed

3:18

reports this morning that a plane

3:20

has crashed into one of the towers

3:22

of the World Trade Center. As

3:25

as a corman, you'll you'll usually do three

3:27

tours in the field and then you'll do

3:29

one tour back in a hospital. They want you to

3:31

keep your medical skills relevant

3:34

and fresh, you know. And uh,

3:36

and so I got assigned to the ICU

3:38

in Germany at Launched Tool Hospital.

3:41

It's this um. It's the biggest American

3:43

hospital outside of the United States. It's

3:45

a massive facility, and it's where

3:48

when guys get shot and blown up, they get

3:50

they get stabilized in the field and

3:52

then they take a flight to Germany where

3:54

they are reevaluated and made

3:56

sure they're stable enough they can make the big trip back

3:58

to Texas or elsewhere

4:01

in the US. I was working there

4:03

after having been in you know, multiple

4:06

combat deployments, and I got

4:08

assigned to working with guys who were

4:11

you know, double triple sometimes amputees,

4:14

blind, some guys that you know had

4:16

lost their sex organs from explosions

4:19

and um and that was that

4:21

was actually the most nightmarish part for me was

4:23

knowing as I was in that space that

4:26

my next assignment was going to be Afghanistan,

4:30

and so I was dealing with you know, guys who

4:32

were you know, walking around on burnt up

4:34

drumsticks for legs, you know, and like and

4:37

seeing these guys who we're

4:39

smarter and stronger and more put together

4:41

than I was, and now they are a very

4:43

different person after that incident. My PTSD

4:46

was was mostly actually from that and I

4:48

would I would have these these these nightmares

4:50

that I would be, you know, next in the bed.

4:53

I would keep my ship together as I

4:55

was dealing with these patients because I didn't want to crumble

4:57

in front of them. I worked night shifts. I'd get off

4:59

in the morning, and I would get these um

5:02

these moments as I'm brushing my teeth

5:04

and looking at my own face in the mirror, where

5:06

I would see it as if it was real that

5:08

like my arm wasn't there or my leg wasn't

5:11

there. In those moments, all I could

5:13

think about was that I knew my next asidement was going to

5:15

be Afghanistan, and uh,

5:17

and I didn't know that I was going to make it back in

5:19

one piece. I had a patient

5:22

that really crumbled me. The next

5:25

the next bit. It's hard.

5:29

So if you're prone to have

5:31

a hard time with hard, keep

5:35

listening, because in the end you're

5:37

just listening. Max

5:40

lived it. I

5:43

had a patient that really

5:45

crumbled me. He was an explosive

5:47

organs disposal guy, and then

5:49

he was actually a Australian fellow.

5:52

And he was working on a piece of ordinance and it blew up

5:54

and blew both of his hands off at

5:56

the elbows, and it also

5:59

blew out his eyeballs, and

6:02

and the strange thing was

6:04

that outside of that, he was virtually unscathed.

6:06

I mean, like you, I mean a little bit of bruising

6:08

and pepper on his on some on the skin, but like nothing

6:10

else. The morphing that we were giving him

6:12

would cause him to have like an amnesia effect

6:15

um through his sleep, and then he would wake

6:17

up and he would forget that

6:19

he had lost his arms and he had lost his eyes.

6:22

Every day and he would wake up

6:25

like trying to claw what he thought was something

6:27

covering his eyes, but of course he can't reach

6:29

his face because he has no arms. And

6:32

then having to explain this man every fucking

6:34

morning, Hey, it's Max.

6:36

I'm still your corman. You've been here

6:38

for a little while. Um, you know you're

6:40

safe and your arms and your

6:42

eyes are gone. Every morning

6:44

he would have he would just have this crushing defeat

6:47

and I'd get him up and i'd you know, walk him

6:49

around in the room to get him to get him mobile,

6:52

and he would be joking. He'd be joking and

6:54

and and and he'd be talking, you know. Uh,

6:57

he'd be he'd be asked me if my dick is still okay,

6:59

because that's all it really matters. And I

7:02

tell him it was, and we would have and we would laugh about

7:04

it and it would be funny and

7:06

uh, and I put him back into the bed, and

7:09

at the end of my shift, I would be crumbled,

7:11

thinking, there's no way I'm as hard as

7:13

that motherfucker. There's no way I'd

7:15

have that sense of humor. And I just

7:17

did not believe that I had it in me to

7:19

be as strong as he was. And knowing that

7:21

I was gonna have to go back to Afghanistan

7:23

and put myself in the position of this person who

7:26

was stronger than me on my best day,

7:29

I just, um, yeah, that was That

7:31

was where my PTSD came from. It wasn't patrolling,

7:34

you know, on on a mission. It

7:36

wasn't seeing guys get blown up in the

7:38

field. I was used to that I had something I

7:41

could do there, you know. But for me,

7:43

that that waiting time between my

7:45

hospital assignment and finally getting to

7:47

get off the plane in Afghanistan, that was the hardest

7:49

part of my life. It's the waiting that's

7:51

the fucking terrible part. It's like,

7:54

once you're in it, once you're in it, you're just sucking

7:56

in it. You're just responding, reacting, you're flowing,

7:58

You're doing you know how to do, and you know that you're

8:00

well trained to do it. It's the waiting

8:02

that caused me to nightmares, and that's what really

8:05

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oh a Zy.

9:15

I was thinking about the transition from

9:17

from Afghanistan back to l

9:20

A. How are things?

9:22

How are things right at back? Wasn't

9:24

strange? Or was it? I think I was? I don't

9:26

think I know is. I was in denial about a lot

9:28

of the mental scaring that happened to me in Germany, and

9:31

I figured, well, I'll just tough it out. I'll

9:33

just I'll just keep baring it and it'll it'll

9:35

eventually subside, you know, And it really

9:37

didn't. And Uh, I was self

9:40

medicating with booze and uh

9:42

and that was not helping at all. It was strange,

9:45

and it was really

9:47

hard to relate. Actually, you

9:49

know, it was really hard to relate because you're surrounded

9:51

by a community there that's

9:53

sort of all encompassing everybody. You know,

9:55

it's military and uh and

9:58

and all that. And then you get out and you're running

10:00

buy you know, um,

10:03

privileged to college kids who who

10:06

um who you know,

10:08

God bless them. They just they just don't know any better.

10:10

And I had more in common

10:12

with the professors than I had with the students. It

10:15

was intoxicating how free you

10:17

can, you know, I was, and how

10:20

I can I can write my own own orders,

10:22

I can do what I want. Um. But it was

10:24

also really hard not having

10:27

that constant brotherhood,

10:29

that constant management, for lack

10:31

of a better way to say it, um, and having

10:33

a clear purpose and

10:36

having confidence in

10:38

in in your leadership. I really

10:40

missed all of that a lot. Actually

10:42

I still do. I still do, you know. Um,

10:45

it's like leaving a family behind. I'd

10:51

spent so much time getting really used to my own mortality

10:54

that I wasn't even sure if I was even alive. I

10:56

thought, what if my perspective is all just my

10:59

imagination sharing what if I am actually a

11:01

comatose patient in the hospital bed and this is

11:03

all just some extrapolated dream and I'm not even

11:05

really here. I was totally dissociated

11:08

from my own life, you

11:10

know. And and that was and that

11:13

was how I was sort of that was my normal, that

11:15

was my walking around. You have to really accept

11:17

your um mortality

11:19

in order to be effective on the battlefield,

11:22

you know. And and I accepted it so much

11:24

that it was more comfortable for

11:26

me to be dead than it was to be alive. My

11:31

father was was long

11:33

distant, he was living back in Tennessee,

11:36

out of communication with us, and

11:39

uh suffering his own mental uh,

11:42

his own mental troubles, his own mental problems.

11:45

And I got news that my mother had passed. She

11:47

had a heart attack. And before I

11:49

could even uh really get my head

11:51

around that, her house burnt down. Her

11:53

house burnt down after she died, My family's

11:55

home burnt down. I have a sister who has a drug

11:57

issue, and her tweaker boyfriend come

12:00

at arson on the house, and uh

12:02

and and away it went. And so I came home

12:04

to burying my mom and

12:06

rebuilding this house. So I had three

12:08

sisters looking at me to fix this, you

12:11

know, in the midst of you know, sort

12:13

of burying my mom and seeing this burnt

12:15

town house, I was, I was really

12:17

ready to put my forty five in my mouth and just blow

12:19

my brains out. I was just exhausted.

12:21

I was already I was already exhausted. And

12:23

then I felt like um by

12:26

note and I was exhausted from ship that I had chosen

12:28

to do. And on some hand, I I could

12:30

take responsibility for that, and I could, I could manage

12:33

that in my own way. But then having

12:35

to take responsibility for burying

12:37

my mom, you know, being the leader of this

12:39

family through this tragedy, and then rebuilding

12:41

a house that was just it was

12:43

just more than I could bear, really, And uh,

12:45

I remember I was I was gonna blow my brains

12:47

out, but it was it was raining. So

12:56

I'm gonna let that sit with you. What do you think

12:58

about that for a second. And

13:00

while you're thinking I'm gonna be chattering,

13:03

I'm gonna chat a specifically, I want to go

13:05

back even further because how

13:07

I met Max is super

13:09

compelling. I get a call from

13:12

a friend in Los Angeles, Marcy.

13:15

Marcy says to me, Hey, Hey, listen, there's this guy

13:17

that I think you should meet. She gives

13:19

me the rebop about the cage fighting, which is

13:21

enough. She goes,

13:23

yeah, yeah, And he's also a former kind of punk

13:25

rock guys and skateboarding, you know, stuff

13:28

that you kind of like. I go, yeah,

13:30

okay, Well what's he done? She goes, Also, he's

13:32

a nice Jewish boy. So

13:35

imagine my surprise first time

13:38

I meet him when

13:40

he shows up and he's African

13:42

American. It never came

13:44

up. I guess it wouldn't have. But mother's

13:47

Jewish, his father's African

13:49

American, and he grew up in the Deep

13:52

South. Yeah, so

13:57

I put my pistol away and

13:59

and I did, and I said it, I'll

14:01

just do it tomorrow. And the

14:04

v A told me, look, you know you're drinking too

14:06

much, you're fighting too much. You need you need a hobby.

14:08

And I said, well, I like to Well, I and I know how

14:10

to make soap, and they said, we'll go do that. Was where

14:15

are you from. I'm from Knoxville,

14:17

Tennessee, and I

14:19

have a family in Gatlinburg as well.

14:22

In Tennessee. People in the Hills Country,

14:25

people can survive. Man Like, I don't

14:28

think I ever saw my mother or father

14:30

call out for like like

14:32

a mechanic or a plumber or

14:34

an electrician or a painter. Ever,

14:37

they never hired out anybody. They just figured

14:39

it out. You know. So, um,

14:42

very very d d I y people

14:45

and very self sufficient people and

14:48

uh and so among other things. Um,

14:50

you know everything from moonshine to soap. Yeah,

14:52

I can. I can make those things. I mean I knew how to grow weed

14:55

and make soap by the time I was in I

14:57

don't know, the third grade. So

15:00

it was like a family activity. It's

15:02

a family activity. I have a Milton Poor

15:04

process cooking my soap down, poured into molds.

15:07

I mixed mine with oats, milk, alow,

15:09

coconut oil, and coconut flakes essential

15:11

oils. Put it into molds, chop it up, wrap it up

15:13

in plastic, put stickers on it for labels, and

15:16

uh and that's it.

15:18

It's surprisingly simple. If you can tie

15:21

your own shoes, you can make soap. So

15:23

okay, so so at one

15:25

point, so you're in l A said we make the soap, and

15:28

um, uh did did

15:30

this initially? How much did

15:32

this help? Initially? It was everything?

15:35

I mean, I don't hands with the Devil's

15:37

work. Man. If if I don't have a tool

15:39

or or or a project in my hands,

15:41

I was just as

15:44

likely you know, drinking and fighting,

15:46

you know, so like it was, it was. It

15:48

was really really good for me. It helped me get past

15:51

um a lot of addiction stuff.

15:53

It helped me get past a lot of uh

15:55

PTSD stuff, self pity stuff

15:58

like having purpose is everything

16:00

to me. The podcast

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16:34

That's h I Am

16:37

A L A y A,

16:39

and don't forget the follow

16:41

asie Confidential

16:44

once you're there. The military

16:46

is an organization where

16:48

everybody just decides

16:51

to mentally get on the same sheet of

16:53

music. At the same time. They

16:55

decide to all pull on the same rope

16:58

with the same intensity at the same time.

17:01

And what that means is that you're gonna learn

17:03

a lot, and like, if you can bear

17:05

it, you're gonna learn more faster

17:08

than you could possibly imagine. If

17:10

it doesn't kill you or drive you

17:12

completely crazy, you come away from

17:14

it light years ahead of your competition.

17:17

If you can bear it, then what is

17:19

amazing is you're gonna get really intimate

17:21

with your own mortality and kind of a

17:23

Tibetan Book of the Dead kind of way.

17:26

That's gonna mean you're gonna approach life with a kind

17:28

of intensity that most people

17:30

don't ever understand. The slogan for the company

17:33

is don't be nasty, and I stole that that's a

17:35

direct rip off from the Marine Corps. When

17:37

and it's not just when your body is nasty,

17:39

but like if your bed isn't made, or like

17:42

if your rifle isn't oiled and cleaned, they'll say,

17:44

oh, you don't don't be nasty, don't be nasty

17:46

you and my mother used to say the same thing when I wouldn't

17:48

wash my ass. Don't be nasty. But the

17:51

the for me, part

17:53

of the meditative centering

17:56

process for me in in

17:58

in in war Is, I

18:00

would always find just a

18:02

moment every day, if it was

18:04

only a teacup worth of water, I

18:06

would dab my handkerchief in it,

18:09

and I would wash my ass with soap

18:11

every fucking day, because

18:13

I had this thing after being in Germany,

18:15

where I was like, the last thing I want is

18:17

to die smelling like feet, and the last

18:19

thing I want is some guy to have to pick me up

18:21

and put me on a litter and onto a helicopter, onto

18:24

planes, and like, I'm wearing dirty, dirty,

18:26

dirty underwear and I smell like balls. And so when

18:28

I came home to the to the States

18:31

and I saw, you know, veterans living on

18:33

the street, living nasty, it

18:36

it clicked for me. You know, I didn't

18:38

I didn't know how else I could make

18:40

a difference, but I did know that, like, I

18:42

don't want people in America to have to be dirtier

18:46

than I wasn't war. You know, I can't get

18:48

everybody a fucking house, but like with a

18:50

soap company, I can damn sure try to get everybody a

18:52

shower. People

18:55

think that like, um, I've moved

18:57

quickly with this business, or people think that

18:59

I've gotten a lot done, and and

19:01

and and I always feel

19:03

like I'm I'm behind because I'm

19:06

all after seeing as much

19:08

death and pain as I've gotten

19:10

to see. Um, I

19:13

feel in a rush to live

19:15

a full and complete life without

19:17

excuses. I feel in a rush to get as much

19:20

done as I possibly can. That is the kind

19:22

of intensity I was talking about that makes

19:24

me feel like I'm I'm

19:26

summoning and I'm I'm I'm passing

19:28

by my competition. Um

19:31

and it puts me and it puts me in a

19:33

constant My competition

19:35

really isn't even other people. It's

19:37

it's the it's the lesser version of myself.

19:40

Does that make sense, Yeah, it does. It's

19:45

easy to make soap, it's hard

19:47

to make a soap company. And in

19:49

order for me to make a soap company,

19:52

I'll just give you a little secret. I just

19:54

copied terrorists, terrorists, and

19:56

cartels, is what I did. I copied their business

19:59

models. Terrorists and cartels.

20:02

We have a tremendously hard time defeating

20:04

them, and as an intelligent specialist, I'll tell

20:06

you one of the biggest reasons is because they keep all

20:08

their operations portable, scalable,

20:11

and trainable. Right, So,

20:14

if it's It's like the craft of making

20:16

cocaine not very difficult, the craft

20:18

of making explosives not very difficult.

20:21

Uh. And if you can keep it scalable, and

20:24

you can, it's already trainable, right.

20:26

If you can keep it scalable and you can keep it portable,

20:29

then it comes really hard to shut it down. So

20:31

like a cartel can move a drug lab

20:34

in the time it takes to pack a truck, a

20:36

terrorist network can move a

20:39

bomb making facility and the time it takes to pack

20:41

a truck, you know. So like I

20:43

wanted to apply what I learned

20:45

about asymmetrical warfare as an intelligent

20:48

specialist to my business. One

20:50

of the little secrets I've been doing is I've been going

20:52

all over the country and training veterans

20:56

on what I'm doing. So I kept it

20:58

really easy to make. I kept it really

21:01

easy to move the factory

21:03

anytime I feel like And um,

21:05

and now I'm just going around and empowering

21:07

to their veterans to make

21:09

and sell this soap. No problems

21:12

come back to me. They just they just have

21:14

a job now and they can sell locally.

21:16

I make my money on my online site anyway.

21:19

And uh, and we're currently in talks

21:22

to turn into a to a nonprofit

21:24

and UM, and just keep on pushing

21:28

UM to affect positive change in

21:31

veteran joblessness. I'm trying to push

21:33

this idea UM that

21:35

like we can affect positive change. And that's

21:37

and it just so happens. I make really good soap.

21:40

I really didn't expect it, Eugene.

21:42

I didn't expect for there to be this ground

21:44

swell of interest and this ground swell

21:46

of support. But it's happening. I have

21:49

all this love and support in

21:51

my life, and I'm able to affect all

21:53

this love and support for other people.

21:55

And I didn't blow my brains out, and I'm

21:58

so happy. That was raining that day I

22:03

was in India. Uh, this

22:05

was gosh, three months ago, I guess.

22:08

Now. I had this this experience where

22:11

I had, you know, I had this traffic accident

22:13

where I thought this baby had died and

22:16

uh it turned out to be okay. And

22:18

um, these these gangsters that

22:20

I had made friends with sort of showed up to

22:23

uh to bail me out of jail and

22:25

paid off the bribes to get me out of there

22:28

and then took me over to the mosque and

22:31

and I

22:33

I knelt down and prayed, and I just started,

22:35

um crying out of

22:37

happiness and gratitude that like, for

22:40

all the ship that I'd seen that I've I'm

22:43

in one piece at least physically, you know,

22:45

and that like I've never had to I've never had

22:48

to do anything that I really regret, and and

22:50

like I find that to be mostly

22:52

true in life. You know, is that is that you have this

22:54

idea, this image in your head of what things are supposed to look

22:56

like, and um, and it often doesn't

22:58

really work out quite the way you think it will.

23:01

But overall, I feel like it still does work

23:03

out, at least for me. I've I've been really fortunate.

23:05

I've gotten to do thunk, I've gotten

23:07

to do everything I wanted to do in this life. I just

23:10

feel really lucky that, um, that

23:12

I am where I am, and all I

23:14

want to do is just give back.

23:16

You know, there's a part of me that just wants to run away, Eugene.

23:18

There's a part of me just wants to fucking move to

23:20

Bali and you know, uh,

23:24

smoke weed until I can't see straight and just fucking

23:26

be left alone. And then there's another part of me that

23:28

feels like, um, I didn't

23:30

have these experiences

23:33

at a coincidence, you know, and and

23:35

it's not an accident. And I feel like I owe,

23:38

I owe what I've learned, and I owe

23:41

to give back my My service doesn't stop

23:43

because I'm out of uniform. My

23:45

service stops when I'm sucking dead. Speaking

23:52

of dead, you ever know those

23:54

cats who like, uh, you know,

23:57

took way too many of

23:59

a certain drug, way too long,

24:02

way too hard, pushed it

24:04

as far as they could humanly go for

24:06

no discernible reason. I

24:09

have. It's me next

24:12

up on Nazi Confidential, Me

24:14

on Me. Ozzie

24:21

Confidential is produced

24:24

by who Else Make Eugene

24:27

S. Robinson, an executive produced by

24:29

Robert Coolers and this

24:31

episode the sound designed, edited

24:34

and mixed by Jamie Cohn and

24:36

Nick Johnson. For

24:39

more Ozzy Confidential,

24:41

check us out on Ozzie dot Com.

24:43

That's o z y dot com

24:46

slash Confidential. We

24:48

published editorial companion

24:51

articles on Ozzie and the photos

24:53

videos for every single store, so to check them

24:55

out, go to ozzie dot com slash

24:57

Confidential That's o z Y dot

25:00

Calm slash Confidential and

25:02

you can see behind the scene. You can learn

25:04

more about the stories we tell and

25:06

even become an official o

25:09

S where you'll be kept uh

25:11

in the note on all things Us the

25:14

Advential and if you want to get in touch with us,

25:16

learn more or just generally event get

25:18

us up at confidential at

25:21

ozi dot com. Will send over

25:23

a T shirt if you did what you gotta say, good,

25:26

bad, or ugly, or maybe we'll get too

25:28

lazy to do any of that. Thanks this

25:30

issue, this version. This edition go out

25:32

to Natty Bumpo Tango

25:34

in Cash and Little Debbie spin Wheels.

25:37

Thanks