0:02

Hello, it's Tuesday the 7th

0:04

of May, I'm Miranda Sawyer and

0:07

I'm Drake's secret 11-year-old daughter. Welcome

0:09

back to Papercuts, the modern newspaper review,

0:12

where every day we put the UK

0:14

press through a gruelling regime of personal

0:16

fitness challenges so that they can become

0:18

their best, most fully realised

0:20

selves, and then we get bored and just bounce

0:23

past the dull weighty bits that are good for you and go

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straight to the fun. Remember, if you

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like what we do, then why not

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tell us exactly what it is that

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you like by filling out an exciting

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listener survey. The link

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is in the show notes and if you

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fill in the exciting listener survey, you're in

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and a t-shirt. Woohoo! You can also tell

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us what you don't like there too, but

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be warned, if you're not up for

0:49

Chantal's in-depth fashion analysis, we

0:51

can't hear you. Now,

0:54

here are the top stories for today's show.

0:57

Delulu disaster, the Tories were trounced

0:59

at the local elections, but Rishi's

1:01

sure they're doing fine. Probably

1:04

a minor. Kendrick

1:07

Lamar gets vicious with Drake and

1:09

no fur coat, no knickers. Celebrities

1:11

forget their pants at the Met

1:14

Gala's mad fashion do. Welcome

1:16

to Papercuts, we read the papers so

1:19

you don't have to. Thanks

1:26

for joining us on Papercuts, where we're

1:29

filing late, but we're filing pretty. I'm

1:32

Miranda Sawyer and joining me today is

1:34

editor of Pop Bitch and spoter of

1:36

a teal tuxedo. It's Chris

1:38

Lockery, hi Chris. Hi. And making

1:40

her debut on the show is co-host of

1:42

the Way They Were podcast and Looking Fab

1:44

in Sam and Satin. It's Chantal for Duchin

1:47

Peyt, hi Chantal. Hi Miranda, well done on

1:49

the name. Thank you. So

1:52

what have we got on the front pages today? Chris,

1:54

you have the broadsheets. I do have the

1:56

broadsheets, they are as you might expect quite

1:58

solemn. A lot of coverage. given over

2:00

to the Israeli airstrikes on

2:03

Rafah so the Guardian leave with that elsewhere

2:05

on their page. Tori's gaslighting public on the

2:07

economy, say Reeves, so this is them getting

2:09

on the labor getting on election footing trying

2:11

to sort of dispel any myths that the

2:13

Tories are putting out about the country turning

2:15

a corner so it looks like she's really

2:17

um up for the fight on that times

2:20

again no truce yet says Israel they also

2:22

have another story on here which is the

2:24

same as the front page of the eye

2:26

actually a nice sort of ray of sunshine

2:28

in the middle of this Alzheimer's genetic link

2:30

raises hopes of an early treatment sometimes it's

2:32

saying there's 95% chance of figuring

2:35

these things out which is curing Alzheimer's uh

2:37

responding and being able to uh yeah help

2:39

with it one other interesting story that's on

2:42

their front page is MPs are learning about

2:44

this today Chinese hackers suspected

2:46

of cyber attack on MOD databank this

2:48

is what the telegraph understands the emoji

2:50

haven't confirmed that this was China but

2:53

it looks as if this yeah cyber

2:55

attack on a payroll system was

2:57

used by a third-party contractor but contains

3:00

details of armed forces

3:02

personnel they don't quite know the extent

3:04

of it yet and by attack they just mean they've got

3:06

the info they've managed to yeah

3:08

break through so they'll be going for their

3:10

Monzo accounts it's it's

3:13

very possible um

3:15

but yes we'll learn more about that today it's kind

3:17

of a breaking story so um okay

3:19

we'll find out okay Chantal you've got the

3:21

so-called sunpapers I do I have the sun

3:23

papers the tabs the loins um we

3:26

start out with uh daily mail who has

3:28

a story about the Green Party not knowing

3:30

about the vile rant over the rabbi about

3:32

their they're claiming ignorance about the counselor and

3:34

the anti-Semitism robot is fine but they counteract

3:37

that just to make sure we all feel

3:39

bad about ourselves with a picture of Zendaya

3:41

looking thin saying she doesn't need ozempic but

3:43

the rest of us obviously do oh okay

3:46

that's nice that's good to know um

3:48

the sun we have with

3:50

Fern Britton and her stalker who apparently

3:52

stayed at her holiday home so

3:55

that's fun to know and in the

3:57

mirror uh they're leading with a story on

4:00

trying to get a lock down on online safety

4:02

laws, headed by the father

4:04

of Molly Russell. And

4:06

in Daily Star, the number one headline

4:08

of course is about why ginger tomcats

4:10

are fierce and feisty with an incredible

4:13

picture of them as quote, Viking pussies.

4:15

And Miranda, you told me an interesting

4:17

fact about these orange tomcats. Please share

4:20

with us. Okay. The

4:22

interesting fact is that all orange cats are male.

4:24

Without fail. Without fail. All

4:26

of them. And that's why they're all- Thank you.

4:29

Yeah. Just enough. Yeah. Let's

4:32

read out that headline. The entire

4:34

thing says, why ginger tomcats are

4:36

so fierce and feisty. They had

4:39

lessons in scrapping from our Norse

4:41

invaders, terror of the Viking pussies.

4:45

Get it out there guys. If only one thing

4:47

I say today gets on the podcast, I hope

4:49

it's just that sentence. And

4:52

they do look cute in a Viking puss. Yeah, they do

4:54

look great. They've done a great- It's a great, strong

4:56

look. All very masculine as well. Yeah.

4:58

Okay, look, I feel like we should

5:00

have a quick look at the Israel-Gaza

5:02

situation. It is all over the front pages.

5:04

Yeah, it's huge. And there have been two

5:07

major developments over the weekend, right? Yes,

5:10

there have been. So the

5:12

Israelis put out an evacuation

5:14

order basically telling people in Rafa

5:17

to evacuate, which would

5:19

be fine were it not for the

5:21

fact that Rafa is where everybody has

5:24

basically fled for safety. And there's now

5:26

an estimated 1.4 million people

5:28

there. So there's nowhere really for anyone to

5:30

flee. The city is absolutely at capacity.

5:33

And there's no way for them to

5:35

flee with. So there's no cars, there's

5:38

no carts. You can't, not only is

5:40

there nowhere for them to go, they

5:42

can't actually take anything with them. So

5:44

it's a pretty impossible situation. Yes, so

5:47

a slightly empty gesture there. And then the

5:49

other point is that Hamas have agreed to

5:51

a ceasefire. The deal sort of brokered by

5:54

Egypt and the Qataris. And

5:56

When news of this sort of broke over the radio,

5:58

there was celebrations on the. Refer Palestinians

6:01

are really jubilant about it. But

6:03

that Yahoo and the Israeli government

6:05

has. Basic. Setting

6:07

up me don't really didn't meet their quota

6:10

mans they they they feel is a bit

6:12

of a ruse going on and has ordered

6:14

them as strikes so. On stifling

6:16

essay about sixty two years ahead. So

6:18

any Joyce in the house and he's

6:20

been having that was very short lived,

6:23

Israel's most solid support is nice. Have

6:25

been saying the reference to this is

6:27

sort of a red line for them

6:29

and know some the and they'll be

6:32

standing alone fairly soon. I think that.

6:35

As he may be help. Yeah. Well it's made

6:37

him in the problem. Is is that The Allies? A serious

6:40

I biden is it urged and now you not

6:42

to go ahead see next. Said is deeply concerned

6:44

and it's made no difference. They carried on bombing.

6:50

Now over the weekend all the

6:53

results of the local elections have

6:55

come in, including the mass and

6:57

the council's The results were pretty

6:59

much as we expected. Meaning, the

7:01

Tories did not do very well,

7:03

but there was some fix Stories

7:05

went like this: What were those

7:07

big stories and how the politicians

7:09

responded So think probably. My.

7:12

Because we're we're in London. We're going to

7:14

say this is a big one but they

7:16

London Mayor came through a city com has

7:18

secured a third term storage third time As

7:21

they keep saying here is an eyesore to

7:23

get assists and yes yes beating out store

7:25

kind of that suit and whole who work

7:27

from her camp self on Friday was that

7:30

they're expecting to to clinch this and it

7:32

caused strange ripples around the media wealth. But

7:34

a vote or via the hadn't been a

7:36

single vote counted despite this was really just

7:38

pure speculation. As the Susan whole camp we're

7:41

going to say anything. Different other than none

7:43

and her yeah we haven't really route am smit

7:45

oh really oh sorry sm while we think are

7:47

Canada was weird an unlikable from we probably going

7:49

to get Trump's assistant city's gonna center a high

7:51

of a them before and yet but still that

7:53

it was sort of a know I guess for

7:55

lack of nothing else to write about. The.

7:58

At these rooms took hold of it. I sort

8:00

of understandable as well. I think the

8:02

I think you'll as the the the

8:05

ultra low emission zone as is opaque

8:07

untested. Part. of this discussion or people

8:09

have been very angry about it has been as

8:11

have an uncle an opposition to it and I

8:14

think I guess maybe there's a sort of. Complacency.

8:17

Second Holden in elections before we've been with them

8:19

so I'll be fine study to worry about it

8:21

unless break that happens and then all these other

8:23

things to people be caught unawares by these upsets

8:25

and I think maybe yeah you less was enough

8:28

of a kind of unknown commodities her. So.

8:30

Put the willies up people, but I'm. It was.

8:32

It was follow it was all. Find it

8:34

with sign in the and center evil. Completely

8:36

new assignment You are a lot So weekend.

8:39

Yeah, I'm I I didn't get an issue of

8:41

In. Also, I can't vote south. As

8:45

me sort of much for the sidelines they all look

8:47

at. She's I don't worry, Everything's

8:50

okay as per usual. Always been

8:52

this there's always I notice is

8:54

always a road sales. Rose

8:57

is always before the you as saying. I'm

8:59

that maybe there's a big issue with when

9:01

I first moved here. it's this country. The

9:03

ninety is an issue with speed bumps with

9:05

line silesia. Yeah, it's a loaded with that. We know,

9:07

is that ninety? Six is always a road issue

9:09

center was the under sixty miles fifty five mph

9:11

the motorways that are the average speed limit. That

9:14

was an issue. There's always the road as she

9:16

that the Tories involved as I was he gets

9:18

a will stop the road issue all those as

9:20

you're still here to sign a new as it'll

9:22

be a thing of the past couple of years

9:25

that were a guy's it'll be okay. Thank you

9:27

for the as you. Say

9:30

the Tories last the West Midlands mad

9:33

and they undies. To eat with was

9:35

a surprise as well. yeah they were have been

9:37

quite a nice guy ever have for his yeah

9:39

it was pretty hillary nice guy you he was

9:41

pleading as well sort of with the party i

9:43

was it was his self concession speech some of

9:45

not. Carry. On with this

9:47

most to the right sort of

9:49

inclusive, compassionate conservatism. Was

9:52

made him such a popular met was popular up

9:54

until the point of ago. Voted out. you

9:58

know that is it that he is so while and

10:00

people across the aisle sort

10:02

of appreciate him. So

10:05

yes, they did keep T's Valley, but I think 11 of the

10:07

12, you saw the

10:09

Metropolitan mayoral elections, Tori's

10:12

had no chance in. So yeah,

10:14

that's a fairly big drubbing as well for them.

10:16

So it looks like the Sunak rebels, the people

10:18

that were trying to sort of force a leadership

10:20

bid, had to step back a little bit because

10:22

it wasn't quite as dreadful as

10:25

they were hoping they had

10:27

a sort of little checklist of three things. That

10:30

would cause them to go for it. And they

10:32

only got one out of those three. And

10:34

so that means that they're not going to kind

10:36

of knife them in the back. They're not going

10:38

to be knocking them in the back. It's been

10:40

a weird weekend for horrible metaphors deployed by, so

10:42

Sohail Braverman was one of the sort of most

10:44

vocal people talking about this at the weekend. I'm

10:47

going to quote this because it

10:49

didn't make sense to me at all. The hole

10:51

to dig us out is the PM's and it's

10:53

time for him to start shoveling. So

10:56

if you shovel, you're digging further into the hole.

11:00

But the hole to dig us out. She's

11:02

calling him the hole. She's calling him a hole,

11:04

right? Is that an insult? I

11:07

can't think of a situation where you call someone a hole

11:09

and it's a good thing. You do. You

11:11

women so watch yourself. Yeah,

11:15

she's very odd Sohail, isn't she? She

11:17

basically came onto Laura Kunzberg's show

11:19

and kind of said, essentially

11:21

here I am, remember me, but don't,

11:23

you know, I'm not going to stand here. I'm not going

11:25

to do anything. I'm just going to be mean to Richie

11:28

for a while. But also I'm a back bench MP and

11:30

you know, obviously I need to be front and center at

11:32

this point. Yeah, no, she's

11:34

obviously got all maneuvers. Well, then the

11:36

other one was in the mail on Sunday. They're saying

11:38

that Boris Johnson is like a coiled black mamba, ready

11:41

to strike. Between

11:44

that and the hole thing, there's too much, there's no

11:46

bit of a mixed metaphor. The

11:48

coiled black samba and his hole. They need

11:51

a cold shower and a hot cup of

11:53

coffee. Wake

11:55

up to reality, I think. Yeah, it's the way

11:57

from the metaphor. Now

12:15

shall we have a quick chat about rap

12:17

beef? Okay

12:20

Zoe Williams, this is a regular weekly

12:22

segment. Zoe

12:25

Williams has written about this in the Guardian

12:27

today and we have covered these disagreements before.

12:30

It's between Drake and Kendrick Lamar. Essentially, I'm

12:32

just going to do a quick rewind,

12:34

Drake said that he, J. Cole and

12:36

Kendrick were the big three of rap. Kendrick

12:38

got quite cross and said on his track like

12:41

that, no it's just big me. There has

12:43

been stuff going on since then and I'm

12:45

going to do a quick

12:48

kind of wrist-wrench. It's been a while, did

12:50

you? Okay, alright then. So

12:52

in April, Drake released push-ups which was

12:54

a response to Kendrick's like that. He

12:56

mocks Kendrick for being small and

12:59

then he also drops Taylor Made Freestyle and

13:01

that had an AI version of Snoop and Tupac on it.

13:03

Which is meant to be Snoop is still alive. Yeah,

13:05

and Snoop was a bit like, wouldn't. It

13:07

was like, excuse me, give me a belt, I'm free.

13:13

But because they did an AI version of Tupac, they had to

13:15

take it down. So this

13:18

weekend, basically Kendrick goes

13:20

completely mad. So first of all,

13:22

he releases a track called Euphoria which is a kind of

13:24

light attack and he says, okay, a friendly

13:26

fade, you should keep it that way. But then

13:29

at the end of the track, he basically just

13:31

lists all the reasons why he hates Drake. That's

13:33

the way he dresses. I hate

13:35

the way you walk, I hate the way you talk, I hate the way

13:37

you dress, right? Which is great. Then

13:40

he releases another track which is a bit boring so we won't

13:42

bother with that one. Drake comes back.

13:44

Drake comes back with Family Matters. It's okay,

13:46

it's not great. So 20

13:48

minutes later, Kendrick

13:50

drops this track called Meet

13:52

the Grahams. He absolutely annihilates

13:55

Drake in this track. It's

13:58

really unbelievable. So

14:00

he addresses his son and says

14:02

that he needs mental ring. He addresses his

14:04

mum and dad, which is just really

14:06

awful and says you raised a horrible

14:08

fucking person. I mean, pretty bad. He

14:11

says that Drake hates women. He addresses Drake's

14:14

secret 11 year old daughter. And

14:16

then he addresses Drake himself and says he

14:19

suggests he takes ayahuasca, which I quite like. Yeah,

14:21

I did, I've never met him being in Seoul. And I've not

14:23

quite met him. You're probably making me like a little

14:25

girl. Where I was going, yeah. Because for six minutes,

14:28

it's like, wow, man, you really need therapy. He's like,

14:30

hmm, therapy would be good, but ayahuasca probably is what

14:32

he's gonna sell this for you. Yeah. And

14:34

so that's pretty devastating. Everyone's really excited

14:36

about it. And then almost immediately afterwards,

14:39

he drops Not Like Us. This is the one,

14:41

if you're gonna sample any of these ones, listen

14:43

to Not Like Us. It's completely great. It's got

14:45

a great beat and it's got two really classic

14:47

lines. One is trying to strike

14:49

a chord and it's probably a minor. Thank

14:54

you for my impression. Great. This

14:56

is an allegation, obviously not

14:58

proven, that Drake prefers younger

15:00

women. Sort of stemming from

15:02

his texting with Millie Bobby Brown. Yes, yes. Sort

15:05

of famously as well. Hanging out with Millie

15:07

Bobby Brown. And he also calls him out

15:09

for going to Atlanta and kind of exploiting

15:11

other artists. Future, Lil Baby and 21 Savage,

15:15

and uses this line, which is also pretty

15:17

devastating. You're not a colleague, you're a colonizer.

15:20

So Drake comes back with

15:22

Heart Part Six. And to be honest, it's no

15:24

good. It's

15:26

bad, yeah. I mean, his

15:28

sort of base argument is,

15:30

he's got a couple, but he's saying,

15:32

oh, oh, all that stuff that you

15:35

alluded to in those disses. We

15:37

were seeding those. I had my friends, we were all laughing behind

15:39

our hands, saying like, oh, let's see if you'll fall for the

15:41

fact I've got an 11 year old daughter. Oh. So

15:45

I couldn't work. It didn't work. It doesn't

15:47

work. People think, people

15:49

are gonna think it. It doesn't really matter. And

15:51

he's sort of criticizing Kendrick for like not being

15:53

an investigative journalist. But Kendrick's got

15:56

a Pulitzer Prize. Why would he bother to do any

15:58

investigation to journalism? What's the point in it now? Exactly

16:00

most of the other thing that M dragged us

16:02

with his kind of combat with school hot pot

16:04

six. Is he kind of basis

16:06

as two things I'm see same as to

16:08

be see the footnotes is just my size,

16:10

etc And seven the rap track your Name

16:12

of the Out Name a Seat Of isn't

16:14

famous. Know

16:18

that. See and also

16:20

see Take the mickey out of

16:22

a truck the did called mother

16:24

I services very serious truck driving.

16:26

a beautiful. It's got festivals and puts his head

16:28

on a flight. You know this is the time to. Think

16:31

this liberals love to be honest, were

16:33

basically in this track he talks about.

16:35

Kendrick talks about who the fuck the

16:37

his mother was sexually abused, the fact

16:40

that he wasn't sexy beast but nobody

16:42

believed him until spices semi racism. It's

16:44

a really serious important traps. And

16:46

drink just goes. Oh. That Trump

16:48

means that you were sexually abused

16:50

as as her fulfil religious A

16:52

misreading. Of the track to then try to mix

16:55

but a school. And subsidy molecular level

16:57

side. Old is he. were really.

16:59

Serious stuff that the barrel at the bottom of the. Bell

17:01

Gardens on the floor and it's embarrassing

17:03

is really embarrassing and this the thing

17:06

I mean, obviously you can really not.

17:08

Care about this is completely fine, doesn't have

17:10

as I saw that his really fun. It

17:12

really made my bank holiday weekend. I wasn't

17:14

very well and I was just enjoying the

17:16

feud. I love a policy on his speed

17:18

at which it was. How are you? This

17:20

is a nice though month or so that

17:22

you know you don't get this out for

17:25

rental. com resemble the just dropping these things

17:27

as slaves. Twenty minutes later you know it's

17:29

a. And nothing bad can happen. Submersible I

17:31

can see deal been worry that odorless Big when

17:33

it happened with to Pack and Big is in

17:35

it's Drake is far too Canadian to get weapons

17:38

involved. like nothing. nothing bad is going to be

17:40

happier. This is it's gonna be Tp Vol soon.

17:42

Rap songs that and forth as he just enjoy.

17:44

The sun is. now

17:47

as you will know we'd love or

17:49

headlines here at paper cuts in fact

17:51

we left them so much we created

17:53

a special competition to highlight that excellence

17:55

yes it's time for fix the headline

17:57

where each week we find an ace

18:00

story with a disgrace header and get you,

18:02

our lovely Papercuts listeners, to think up a

18:04

better one. And on Friday

18:06

we gave you a story in the

18:09

Daily Star about a new disc beach

18:11

in Italy which has opened itself up

18:13

for weddings. The headline, Bride

18:15

and Peak. Which wasn't bad but we

18:18

knew you could do better. You

18:20

did. Over

18:23

on X, John Penny centres

18:25

the completely excellent Raise

18:27

Your Arses for the bride and

18:29

groom. Unpopcult had a good go with

18:33

honey mooning.

18:41

Steven Boden tried with

18:43

wedding undress. And Russell

18:45

in E15 gave us

18:47

two ring bearers.

18:51

Nip tools. Over

18:54

on Threads, Jen Stainer tried

18:56

with barely beloved. Donald

18:58

who are you with the nudely

19:00

weds. And Helen the V get

19:02

hitched without a stitch. But the

19:04

winner is Amy Butterworth

19:06

with the straightforward but excellent

19:09

wedding balls. Just

19:13

send us your address and t-shirt service Amy.

19:15

And a lovely Papercuts t-shirt will be winging

19:17

its way to you. Just don't forget to

19:20

put on some trousers as well. What about

19:22

today Chris? Have you got any good headlines

19:24

there? You've got The Sun right? I've got

19:26

The Sun here. Yeah. There's a story in

19:28

here about TikTok pranksters who have been mocking

19:30

up posters to put up in supermarkets that

19:32

encourage shoplifting. So one's gone

19:34

up in a co-op saying shoplifting is

19:36

encouraged in this branch. Or

19:39

in waiters, if you see someone shoplifting,

19:41

no you didn't. So there's a bit

19:43

of an outrage about this. But

19:46

it's led to the nice headline, Knicker stickers. Which is

19:48

the pleasing way on the tongue. This

19:53

other one, I mean this is slightly,

19:55

this is slightly stealing valor here. But

19:57

it's a classic Sun story. So it's...

20:00

Okay. And

20:02

there's a contest, a UK-wide contest

20:04

to find the best retailer

20:06

with a pun name for

20:09

their outfit. Nice. So,

20:11

there's a couple in contention.

20:13

There's Furry Godmothers, a dog grooming

20:15

business. There's Thready

20:18

or Not, embroidery. A

20:21

top of the clops equestrian shop. But

20:25

the one that they think is in with the

20:27

best chance, the son Anna and the one they've

20:29

basically stolen for their headline. There's a curry shop,

20:32

Tika Chance on me. Oh,

20:34

that's quite sweet. We like that. So,

20:37

they reckon that's the one to put your shirt on. Okay.

20:40

Chantal, you have the star. I

20:42

do. We start with a

20:44

story. I've

20:46

had a bakery in Paris where

20:48

this gentleman is trying to create

20:50

croissants without butter and the locals

20:53

have lost their mind. Yeah, quite

20:55

right. The local cookery teacher says

20:57

it's difficult for me to even talk about

20:59

making a croissant without butter. People

21:02

are very traumatized by this. And the

21:04

headline sort of course is flaky vegans because

21:07

of course, Daily Star hates vegans. I

21:09

don't understand flaky vegans. My next

21:11

point is that the idea of

21:13

it is, I think, is that the

21:16

butter in the croissant is what makes

21:18

the croissant flaky. So

21:20

why a vegan croissant would be flaky

21:23

doesn't actually make any sense. I'm not

21:25

wrong. That's not, is it? Well,

21:28

I think it's meant to be

21:30

because vegans themselves are flaky as

21:32

people. I'm

21:34

not happy about it. Don't shoot the messenger. We

21:38

then have a wonderful story about

21:40

a priest who is visiting the

21:42

Pope and he unfortunately brought with

21:44

him a couple of knives and an air gun. Oh,

21:49

and also a box cutter

21:51

and a screwdriver. And he did the standard stuff, you know, when you're

21:53

leaving your flight, you just grab a few things on the way out.

21:56

And he did that. And then when he went to the

21:58

metal detector and they found all this stuff. stuff and they're

22:00

like why have you got all this and he did the class like oh

22:03

it's for a friend oh I'm carrying

22:05

them for a friend he's a bit worried about his safety so

22:07

I thought I'd bring it all with me he

22:09

wasn't allowed in to see uh the pope

22:12

as a result of that and the headline

22:14

for this is of course priest hid weapons

22:16

of mass disruption whoa because he disrupted what

22:18

would have been the pope's mass coming yeah

22:21

I just did a popular priest yeah

22:23

yeah it would have been more fun I think of that as

22:25

well and finally this

22:27

is very much a picture-based headline

22:30

which is wonderful for an audio format so

22:32

I'm so glad we chose this one it's

22:34

a picture of two rhinos face to face

22:36

head to head in Kenya looking

22:39

stunning looking very in love with each other

22:41

and but also it's almost as though one

22:43

of them is maybe it's not consensual so

22:45

stop it or I'll get horny that's the

22:47

headline yeah so

22:50

it's just been winner winner winner in daily

22:52

star essentially bear in mind this

22:54

is the one that had the ginger tomcat's viking

22:56

pussies headline so it's a it's a wild end

22:58

to the bank holiday here guys you're welcome I'm

23:13

David Badeer, I'm a writer and a comedian and

23:15

a Jew. I'm Sayyid Afasi, I'm

23:17

a businesswoman and a politician and a Muslim. Jews

23:20

and Muslims always seem to be in the news

23:22

or on the news. Most people talk about us

23:24

and this is us talking about ourselves the kind

23:26

of things that people say don't touch we are

23:28

going to go there. I mean I think Jews

23:30

and Muslims are talking about these things but I

23:32

think they're not talking about them together because they're

23:34

worried that if they do sparks might

23:37

fly. A Muslim and a Jew go

23:39

there. Find us wherever you get your podcasts. Now

23:46

last night was the fashion

23:48

extravaganza stroke full costume heart

23:51

attack known as The

23:53

Met Gala where celebrities dress as

23:55

trees or animals or whatever Anna

23:57

Wintour decides is great and everyone

23:59

claps. Well done. Some tell

24:01

how with a frog say you

24:03

well I'll be on a city

24:05

the same for this was guarding

24:08

the Time which in the immortal

24:10

words of Miranda Priestly. Forum.

24:12

For Spring Groundbreaking. This

24:15

is not my most exciting see my

24:17

mom. I'm blown away by any of

24:19

them. I think we're discussing before as

24:21

well as a lot of nude illusions

24:23

happening read or in particular I think

24:25

is a sale from top to bottom

24:27

or dyed her hair that lets her

24:29

makeup at all it's a boyfriend has

24:31

his shoes the he'll hi is embarrassingly

24:33

low. I don't hurt the dress looks

24:35

like her and stuck on. To would

24:38

net I think her research or

24:40

a decision to therefore you're. Going

24:46

to be dropping your observation boss or the

24:48

Amazon he was. She's. Were the best spots

24:50

in the business as he saw a man

24:52

as it's make it look average like it's

24:54

evolution does not matter. Students over the Woods is

24:56

not rocket science guy with the what she

24:58

looks like is that she's so new. Decision

25:00

is essentially enough that you got no clothes on

25:03

right? Yes I'm using less the nets if it's

25:05

also for me. Whatever Cds illusion I just

25:07

think of figure skating up system the nineties

25:09

was is not a vibe. I wanted the Met

25:11

gala see I'm leaning more a costume and

25:13

also and her husband Tucker what he is

25:15

very when the second all leather suits yeah I'm

25:18

just imagining you know deodorant in. Is

25:20

strong enough. I know Mcguinness also. Not just

25:22

the suit is the shirt is and this

25:25

high And it's also brown leather. You can

25:27

even hear the sweat as a set of

25:29

the picture. Yes, not good Said Kim Kardashian

25:31

Came. In a really nice frog. but she wore

25:33

because it was cold weather in New York, it's

25:36

really cold, is really west. She wore a cardigan

25:38

so please can I make my job's. As as

25:40

he's looking forward to this is my job is and get

25:42

him. Car. Dsc and. About

25:46

Zero Zero simplifies a cause and mother is

25:48

a lot. Of said about her were in

25:50

the current A Lots had about a small

25:52

little tiny waist and the corsair are not

25:55

as bothered by that. I am to be

25:57

distracted by the seller in her face and

25:59

I succeed. literally had the filler put

26:01

in too recently. However, the theme of

26:03

all this stuff is based on the

26:05

Institute's gala, the Institute

26:07

opening, which is Garden

26:09

of Time, which is a JG Ballard

26:12

story. And that JG Ballard story is

26:14

actually about essentially how time is coming

26:16

for us all. So I'm wondering if

26:18

Kim Kardashian having bad filler is

26:21

actually a nod to the details of

26:24

the cosmetic procedures in the face of the ravages

26:26

of time coming for us all. So is

26:29

Kim Kardashian actually thinking way ahead

26:31

of the game? Or does she

26:33

have a really bad beautician? Who knows?

26:35

Who knows? And she is thinking way

26:37

ahead of the game. Wearing a cardi.

26:40

Cardi. Cardi, actually is quite

26:42

old. It's a great

26:44

cardi as well, right? It's a

26:49

bubbled cardi as well. It's not even good. Essentially,

26:51

I mean, if you want to fast forward through all that, I thought she

26:53

looked like crap. Can we talk about Lana Del Rey? If

26:55

we must.

26:59

Yeah, so she has got antlers on.

27:02

I quite like the idea of the antlers. The

27:04

makeup is where she falls for me. There's a

27:06

certain trend when it comes to lipstick, especially nature

27:09

coloured lipstick, where in a better way with me,

27:11

but it's not just for doing this, but there's

27:13

a certain shade of brown

27:15

that women wear on their lips that

27:17

unfortunately resembles their

27:19

ass basically. And it

27:21

looks like her anus is the

27:24

colour. It looks like her mouth is the

27:26

colour of her anus. And apparently

27:28

some people find that super duper attractive. I'm not

27:30

one of those people Miranda. I don't think it

27:32

really works in her skin tone. I don't mind

27:34

the antlers though. The antlers are nice. If the

27:36

anus flips, I'm a go. So she

27:39

has antlers and they've draped some kind

27:41

of see-through, wafty bit over the antlers. It's quite

27:43

cute. It's okay. It's okay. It's a

27:45

bit too... It's okay. It's more costume

27:48

than fun. Okay. Yeah. Well, it's all it

27:50

is, I have to say. We're missing so many people, Miranda. That's

27:52

the problem. All the people we're going through just points

27:54

out to me. Where's Rihanna? Yeah.

27:56

Where's Billie Eilish? Yeah. Where's... Good

27:58

as Peltrome even. you know, Wayne's,

28:01

Julie Fox, she'll never get there. But where are these

28:03

people? Where's Bianca's since Sorry with Kanye? She's not.

28:05

If she'd come for this, she'd just be wearing

28:08

a petal on each nipple and we know that.

28:10

There was some that were good. Gwendolyn Christie looked

28:12

pretty great. Gwendolyn Christie did look great. I liked

28:14

Gwendolyn a lot, it was fun. Yeah, she was

28:17

fun. She basically had done her hair so it

28:19

looked like enormous on the top. It's like a

28:21

big kind of blonde, almost like Afro-ish,

28:23

wasn't it? It was big and

28:26

also- Like a cloud. It kind of worked with the

28:28

rest of the outfit she was wearing. She

28:30

had color, which was fine. That's the

28:32

problem with this nature aspect of it, the whole

28:34

nature garden thing, is it all lends towards lots

28:36

of browns. Yeah, you don't want that. Even Zendaya,

28:38

even Zendaya's first outfit, I wasn't that blown away

28:40

by it. She was wearing- The second outfit was

28:42

better. She was wearing grapes. Yeah,

28:45

but it looks- The grapes

28:47

around her waist kind

28:50

of looks like Christmas decorations, like

28:52

Christmas candles. I was a bit

28:54

like I could make that in like arts and

28:56

crafts class. I'm sorry, I love you, but it

28:58

does. My sister went to

29:00

like a year four fancy dress thing as

29:03

a bunch of grapes. I got very similar

29:05

for that. Maybe that's where she went. Maybe

29:07

she was a fan. Yeah, there was

29:09

a similar vibe. Okay, I just would

29:11

really like to talk about my favorite

29:13

new category, right? There's a new category

29:15

of attendee, and they are

29:17

called Billion Airs, H-E-I-R-S,

29:20

right? Okay, so there's two people that came

29:22

along to this. One is called

29:25

Gustaf Magnor-Witzo. He is the

29:27

heir to a Norwegian salmon

29:29

fortune. They call him the Prince

29:31

of Salmon. Yeah, yeah. This is the

29:33

guy that looks like a huge slice of- Salmon. Yeah,

29:36

like a grab of like sort of train. He

29:38

came dressed as a salmon, as cooked salmon.

29:41

It's amazing, yeah. His train slash cape,

29:43

we couldn't quite decide what it was,

29:45

a cape train, looks like smoked salmon.

29:47

It was somehow gorgeous though. It helps

29:49

that he actually has model looks, like his

29:51

face is- Yeah, he has model looks. But

29:53

he's great. So basically he's got a salmon

29:56

silken cape with a train wearing sparkly tights.

29:58

Sparkly little tights. And a free, free- good

30:00

which he was kind of dressed a little

30:02

bit like a toddler which I quite like.

30:04

But also really comfortable looking flat shoes

30:07

the kind of shoes you get in hospitals. Yeah

30:09

he was absolutely great and then

30:11

there's another billionaire and that

30:13

was Leonardo del Vecchio he

30:15

is an Italian sunglasses prince

30:18

which is I'm sorry that is you put

30:20

that on your bio on hinge and you're

30:22

gonna get dates plenty

30:24

sunglasses prince. It's so

30:26

good that's what the Times called him and

30:29

they also said here he is in claret

30:31

tuxedo. They can never just say red. He's

30:33

got a red suit on with a pair

30:35

of shades. And the shades are in pink

30:38

as well. Yeah those two are my new fave. There's

30:40

a lot of you brought us up a lot of

30:42

sheer a lot of bums out we had in Rada

30:44

with her bums out Rita Ora the bums out, Delle

30:46

Jacette with her bum out, Elle Sandy with her bum

30:48

out. I'm down with all this I don't think it's

30:50

a bad thing I like getting the bums out why

30:52

not they're all paying for them they're all paying for

30:54

the asses they're all paying for the tiny ways we're

30:56

gonna get get your money off now I can say when

30:59

you drive your Ferrari what's the difference? I

31:03

would like to say that Kylie let us down though. She had a

31:05

kind of she had a frock on that was one

31:07

of those frocks that looks like you're naked but

31:09

you're not. So it's a little bit like

31:11

what they were wearing. Oh you're giving her a

31:14

lot of credit. It had a bit of a

31:16

weird like do you remember Global Hypercolor? Yeah

31:18

she wishes. She's been working out and just

31:20

like under boobs wet and stuff like that.

31:22

It was in all those places. Yeah it

31:24

was also a bit like you know those um white

31:27

clean aprons you can get like gas

31:29

and wood to wear. It was a

31:31

bit like that. I

31:36

feel like I've been too mean. I did like I mean I

31:39

have been mean because I was right but like Cardi

31:41

B I thought was good Gigi Hadida thought

31:43

was good but essentially when I first started

31:45

looking at these and I saw Coleman Domingo

31:47

not he was the king of red

31:49

carpets if you ask me no one can top him. He

31:52

didn't look good and when he doesn't look good he's

31:54

kind of like you can judge everything based on him.

31:56

If he's not looking great it's going downhill for the

31:58

red carpet. The theme is

32:00

not worked. The theme is if Coleman can't do it, no one

32:02

can do it. Yeah, okay. I think that's very nice.

32:05

We'd just like to point out that Bad Bunny wore

32:07

a pair of Tumnus hooves. Well, I mean, he has

32:09

bad in the name. I don't know why we're surprised.

32:15

And that's the end of today's Paper Cuts, thanks

32:17

to Chris. Thank you. Thanks to Chantal.

32:20

Never invite me again. Remember,

32:22

if you fancy listening to the show

32:24

with no ads and with a special extra

32:27

story, then why not join the Paper

32:29

Cuts Supporters Club? Go to back.papercutshow.com. The

32:31

link is in the show notes and every

32:34

supporter gets a shout out on the show.

32:36

Chris, who do you have? I have a

32:38

big thank you and I love your black gloss

32:40

feather boa to Tom Foster. And

32:42

for me, it's thanks so much and you

32:44

wear that chandelier so well. Meghan

32:47

Malik. And it's Ta very much

32:49

and I am into your gimp mask and knee pads,

32:51

Diane Turner. Thank

32:54

you, Diane. I love my Miranda today. Listen,

32:56

it's fashion. I've

32:59

been Miranda Sawyer and you've been listening

33:01

to Paper Cuts on a day when

33:04

the Guardian has a report from Germany

33:06

where concerned citizens have demanded that Chancellor

33:08

Olaf Scholz enforces a price

33:10

cap on Donner Kebabs to

33:13

combat the rising cost of the

33:15

national dish. They must

33:17

be kebab in the last. See

33:21

you tomorrow. Never misses. Paper

33:27

Cuts was written and presented by Miranda

33:29

Sawyer with Chris Lockerry and Chantal Paduchen-Pate.

33:33

The producer was Liam Tate, assistant producer

33:35

with Adam Wright and audio producer with

33:37

me, Jade Bailey. Music

33:39

is by Simon Williams, socials by Kieran

33:41

Leslie, design by Jim Parrott with original

33:43

art by Modern Toss. The

33:45

executive producer is Martin Beutosch, managing editor

33:48

is Jacob Jarvis and group editor is

33:50

Andrew Harrison. Paper Cuts

33:52

is a poolmaster's production. Music

33:55

is by Kieran Leslie. you