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1:02

Hello, It's Tuesday the twenty third of April.

1:04

I'm Alex Phone Times of London. I'm back

1:07

in my puffy jacket. Summer is not coming

1:09

eternal. Winter is here to stay. Welcome

1:12

back to Paper Cuts! The modern newspaper

1:14

review. Every day we parboil the British

1:16

press know he's around a bit drenching

1:18

goose fat or olive oil for a

1:20

vegetarian listeners and roasted to crispy perfection.

1:22

Tell your mates about paper cuts and

1:24

give us a boost. Send three of

1:26

your most favorite people attacks what up

1:28

or email linking them to paper cuts

1:31

showed up Code of Uk is. The

1:33

link you can copy and the show

1:35

notes every person who listens and subscribes

1:37

helps us keep bringing you the best

1:39

bits of the papers every weekday. Now

1:41

here are the top stories for today's

1:43

show: Living on a jet plane Rishi

1:45

soon as finally gets his Rwanda bill

1:47

passed and says deportations will begin by

1:49

July. Our house in

1:51

the middle of our street. The I

1:54

paper has set out some rules: having

1:56

a good house and I can sing

1:58

a rainbow. it's someone's actual job. Nine

2:00

Paint colors. Welcome to Paper Cuts. We

2:02

read the papers that you don't have

2:04

to. Thanks.

2:14

For joining us on paper cup for we'd

2:16

like to wish William Shakespeare very happy. Four

2:18

hundred and sixtieth birthday. many have you returned?

2:21

Big guy says thoughts and happy hours attend

2:23

on you. Especially the happy hours on Alex.

2:25

Sometimes abundant was a piece of was is

2:27

a man how noble in reason how insists

2:29

his faculty it's political set. Price Or and

2:31

satirists robot them alone. But

2:34

soft what light through yonder window breaks

2:36

it is the East and circuses the

2:38

some it's comedian Fergus Craig. Has

2:40

no. That was

2:43

it. A broad seat, front pages

2:45

looking like today Here I am

2:47

bringing right down the times a

2:49

big picture. Few Edwards who has

2:51

departed the B B C, but

2:53

the main story is detentions can

2:55

start in days under one the

2:57

low in that gray zone the

2:59

Daily Telegraph are under migrants to

3:01

will be detained within days. The

3:03

Guardian met police chief praises conduct

3:06

of officer in anti semitism rail

3:08

from Rwanda. Points will not start.

3:10

Until July and the

3:12

I. Sit down

3:14

over the government rwanda plan won't

3:17

work. Tory critics tell Sue Night

3:19

Rise more or less. Depressing stuff.

3:21

Laser sight this any joy in the

3:23

tabloids are is that low forties. I'm

3:25

so so vocal. The sun which

3:27

you remember was very angry about.

3:30

What? Was being done to this

3:32

and chooses Cross it's and sister.

3:35

No. mention of it on the some from

3:37

post ah ha moment of it, but instead they're

3:39

leading with the story that you had was as

3:41

lists the. Daily

3:44

Mirror is leading with a

3:46

Jill Dando exclusive as I

3:48

think they may have found

3:50

the Serbian assassin who murders

3:52

her twenty five years ago

3:54

face as a killer and

3:56

Daily Mail ah, Rwanda. Enough

3:59

is that. We're ready for

4:01

Rwanda, list us guard whole jones

4:03

things of s all nice and

4:06

or this picture of Rebel Wilson

4:08

who's been publicising her memoir? Who

4:10

was the British Royal who invited

4:12

Rebel Wilson to tycoons drug fueled.

4:16

Orgy. It's not

4:18

reveals who actually is, just

4:20

the question of guess rely

4:22

ballistic s. Soil

4:25

the we think we've got three says the

4:27

i get. It is it. Prince Louis. Is.

4:30

I really does it like trouble. And

4:32

I mean on. Said it says oppose

4:34

us a little fulltime Dell stresses

4:36

mermaids or something. Pretty damn good

4:39

orgy to make some said. I

4:41

was sixteen, so twentieth in line

4:43

to the same cel.never heard of.

4:45

On random the honorable task and

4:47

the Daily Star leads with person's

4:49

heart a psycho sea gulls. It's

4:52

it's. it's. A

4:54

real new routes or love animals Sea

4:57

gulls. news. That's what we want and

4:59

they do. Mark a happy said Tuesday

5:01

that we gave. Oh. And I

5:03

should mention they also have a story about

5:05

your biden nobody. eight sleep he chose were

5:07

able to uncle. Ike's

5:10

an eye contact since apparently he told

5:13

a story about his uncle being. Now.

5:27

This morning news that the government passing their a

5:29

wonderful puts me a mind of another sex their

5:31

line this time the tempest hell is empty and

5:33

or the devil the here robot see horrible thing

5:35

they want to do and are they going to

5:38

this. Oh right So I'm

5:40

the reason why there is

5:42

is everyone arriving in a

5:44

small boats. Oh or

5:47

out across the channel was some to grabbed

5:49

and without their feet touching the ground taken

5:51

to Heathrow where they were stuck on a

5:53

plane to Rwanda. If you

5:55

did that, Then. Then

5:58

maybe people would stop. The

6:00

cross channel as well. but that

6:02

is the that's the theory. That

6:04

is a theory. The problem with

6:06

that he's that. It's. A bit

6:08

like well what if we were a machine

6:10

gun people as they crossed into British waters

6:12

then they probably stop going. Yes they probably

6:14

would, but you'd have to do. You know

6:17

there are problems with that idea as well

6:19

which I'm sure probably has been discussed at

6:21

some points which is you know you have

6:23

to find hills you this is has to

6:25

be legal with their wonder plan is not

6:28

missing any people but it has you have

6:30

to the has to be legally how to

6:32

perform some kind of assessment to ensure these

6:34

people are safe and the moment you start

6:36

doing that you know. You get lawyers

6:38

involved and Tory mps get very angry.

6:41

So last night after a great deal

6:43

of back and forth empowerment, mendis legalizing

6:45

voting. The government

6:47

has got his bill through and so

6:49

now I ruined his. A Safe Country

6:52

official break that people currently in hiding

6:54

in Britain's on the Met advice because

6:56

of Rwandan death squads. Smite? You know?

6:59

Yeah, we have much just mulling during.

7:01

Okay, well in this case it sucks.

7:03

Even more people are. I mean this

7:06

is pretty depressing isn't it? Sad some

7:08

it's here. we don't have a D C. I'm not

7:10

that's the obliged to be impartial here. I think that

7:12

I'm probably say that it is. Not only is it.

7:14

Morally disgusted. Not that I think we should

7:16

put that aside I think is quite important,

7:18

but it's incredibly expensive and it's quite hot.

7:20

See how to work? I mean, if people

7:22

aren't detached from frosting the tunnel by the

7:24

possibility that they might die in a small

7:26

by, why would they be tapped by tiny

7:28

chance I might be deported to Rwanda? Yeah

7:31

yeah there is a folks in the last

7:33

it will see how it plays out That

7:35

way I say is that the to report

7:37

is like her a suit as middle aged.

7:40

Sad. Man. Is.

7:43

Very unhappy with his lies and

7:45

is decided that the solution to

7:47

all his problems is a conservatory

7:50

and he spent on he is

7:52

going through getting the planning permission

7:54

and getting the sun's together and

7:57

dealing with the builders and. Years

8:00

later he fills the conservatory and then he

8:02

never goes in the. Guy.

8:06

Yeah yeah I don't idea. I don't

8:08

think of it as a party the

8:10

know that the you know sort of

8:12

it as accidentally got divorced and is

8:14

now living in it's car trying to

8:17

negotiate access to his children. There is

8:19

a distinct suit is. What

8:21

Happened to My life? Vive yeah

8:24

about I doubt you'll feel alone

8:26

moment yes did the room wonder

8:28

saying. Which is just been

8:30

in the news for ever. Yeah and

8:32

it will be enough to his time

8:34

will be remembered Rwanda to me like

8:36

nothing will really come of it is

8:38

no ill will happen probably. Still,

8:41

Be some flights. It

8:43

won't solve anything. The

8:50

comfort of your see ritzy is now

8:52

you're comfy. Car selling command center thanks

8:54

to com on it doesn't get any

8:56

better ness your favorite seats a spot

8:58

in the house make it even better

9:00

by entering your license plate or then

9:02

and getting a real offer and thoroughly

9:04

is no place like home And speaking

9:06

of homs have on will pick up

9:08

your car from yours after you finalize

9:11

your author. Was it carmona.com Or

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download the app and sell your car from

9:15

your fancy. Place. Hand

9:19

this sunset is gorgeous.

9:21

grill patios, Sunset side against that

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in the. Not. Unless you're browsing com

9:26

on as inventory while you soak it all

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in. All burger

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of cars under twenty thousand

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to stay here forever. Carmona

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Me Skinny as download the app

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or visit carbonor.com today. Now.

9:52

The I paper has a feature on

9:54

the in lessons house rules not Ten

9:56

Eleven house rules all guess must select

9:59

so see more. Nyt live in

10:01

a quaint Victorian see such as Op. Doesn't say.

10:03

This one doesn't want you stalking her, thank you. very

10:05

much so. People probably turn up quite a loss of

10:07

her gas hoping to. Stay for the weekend circus.

10:10

What's all the rules that we should abide

10:12

by of? he wants a famous I see

10:14

more. The rules of the upper he interesting.

10:17

Is. That the thing the sars me

10:19

most about the piece from are so few

10:21

north is that it's yes she does seem

10:23

to kiss a lot of guests. will she

10:26

get many guests now. Maybe

10:29

that's the idea that. A

10:31

man's face is suds. Full.

10:33

Book for I'd imagine is

10:36

not. A huge amount of money

10:38

that she's earned from this pace. She

10:40

has. Slagged, Off pretty much

10:43

all of her for has. Some

10:46

size the rules are

10:48

never arrive early. I.

10:51

Can understand that. Own pretty reasonable. Don't

10:53

turn up empty handed over as always.

10:56

Bring a gift or on. There

10:59

is a distinct i'm looking at you Jane

11:01

He set. Up

11:03

that as yeah, there are definite hundred

11:05

and three. One of these for success.

11:09

Assistance A hotel isn't alone.

11:11

A study said that. Yeah,

11:15

I'm in. I'm I'm in agreement with

11:17

most. Is it mom? we were interested

11:19

Buyers Don't strip the bed. Yeah,

11:22

I suppose. Isn't quite helpful. A seafood

11:24

a sip the fed has a lot on us

11:26

is the objects and stripping. That. Was seated

11:28

on note Alex is why yes I'm not

11:30

a by says yet purpose he says asked

11:32

before leaving the house with a puddle of

11:35

dirty linen they can't wash until Wednesday. Set

11:38

cities, Says he's in in any way.

11:41

To spread out well I am the said done

11:43

but if it's on the bed at least is

11:45

sort of looks. Nice. And tidy,

11:47

doesn't this who wants you strips it than

11:49

in her head. They may be a pile

11:51

of dirty laundry in the corner the she

11:53

can't get too because he's got all this

11:55

other laundry to do. You know, I wonder

11:57

if she's always watching between? Guess sooner? I

12:00

that this is. An it is I

12:02

might also to spread irregularity and for one

12:04

night i was little he went to i

12:06

drink a. Lot of

12:08

us. I mean, it's a lobbyist. I mean,

12:11

apart from, maybe that's that's a bit olds.

12:13

Most of these sound quite reasonable. That I

12:15

mean. Yeah, I think so. there's one see

12:17

soups about. Not arrive in new, arrive with

12:19

something like bottle of wine or desert or

12:22

something but don't rub. was like a whole

12:24

meal. I know where

12:26

my dad arise ceased like cause embarrassment

12:28

on says. Psoriasis so

12:31

much. Bags. And

12:33

such as lumping stuff into the fridge

12:35

still like my pencil drawings like six

12:37

hours with like a quarter of a

12:39

pint of milk because they didn't want

12:42

to leave it such as. Disapproved.

12:45

What are your house rules When he listen

12:47

up I tell my so I have rules

12:49

is I became aware that as a thing

12:52

that I do. When. I go to

12:54

other people's houses. I reprogrammed bear hi

12:56

fi and audio equipment so it works

12:58

properly, but Ben is I suspect completely

13:01

unusable after I left the house. I

13:04

have say I saw slightly relate to this. And the basically

13:06

this as tonight as this one else is

13:08

houses ten of my since they thing on

13:10

that he they bryce how they're at sorry

13:12

that's a off everything is not going to

13:14

look like a C C V anymore not

13:17

gets it like a proper film such thing

13:19

about most and smoothing with some with you

13:21

on my girlfriend or those thoughts but what

13:23

people say when they correct people's motions booting

13:25

that's I see setting people have on and

13:27

bet you any me that's is just for

13:29

sport and blob of of us and there

13:31

was to get that somebody was like watching

13:33

sports river that runs know people whose houses

13:35

identity. So

13:38

ultimately d we think safety Morris is going

13:40

to have any guests and as does this

13:42

is always that her intense and always just

13:44

voting people off. yeah I think that's her

13:47

intention is to just. When.

13:49

Is a roof of his. you got a nice see

13:51

so I guess I'm I thought bring a bottle of

13:53

wine com stay for the weekend I went words to

13:55

the radishes want me to Now I mean I can

13:57

only known the retired on top of stop Us A

13:59

line. I was just the what

14:01

ever what set group season with her

14:04

friends. Today a new What?

14:07

Else are we got outta. School

14:10

Systems. On

14:17

paper cuts headlines of the marshmallows in our

14:19

hearts upsets Sets get down with the joy

14:21

of the headlines as a day. Or do

14:23

you have preserve? I'm in

14:26

the some normal fine or

14:28

some but some. We have

14:30

a picture of top pop

14:32

singer dressed as though she

14:34

were in Arboretum and the

14:36

headline is three Anna. Reality

14:40

is Brianna yeah I me I

14:42

guess is that I read over

14:44

three Outfit please a hero and.

14:48

Oh young boys a difference is gone full

14:50

the full end because it costs them on

14:52

a case of his of least as good

14:54

as things like Seeds in the Green Festival

14:57

in Hastings of people kind of dress up

14:59

as trees of for various pagan reasons. it

15:01

sorry cinema recently agreed. I mean if you

15:03

win this talking with her they wouldn't They

15:06

wouldn't spotter. Us always

15:08

gets to have a backup for

15:10

him since I'm always very much

15:13

like this story on page three

15:15

about the pub in South London.

15:17

name. Checked in The new Taylor Swift album.

15:21

Which has been cashing in on sans dancing

15:23

in the Us of the Black Dog. and

15:25

the headline is fancy. a Swiss D O

15:27

hops Profit so they say it's exclusive but

15:30

I have read this and at least two

15:32

other papers today so I mean any. Onto

15:34

this inside the first on my Sunday and

15:36

my third one is a headline that I

15:38

laugh out loud at and I do think

15:41

it's excellent. I do will say there's a

15:43

specific category of headlines that a really really

15:45

good where the chief subs you Positive said.

15:48

This is good some but we're not

15:50

going to ease at which has been

15:52

said to me in the past a

15:54

i'm a t lag com through a

15:56

wall with a spoon in order to

15:58

attack another inmate in. Than which

16:00

is. A great story

16:03

and the headline is Shawshank King.

16:06

I'm fucked up up up up

16:08

up cities gray and he is

16:10

very get. I do want to

16:13

know whether the other person survived

16:15

the surface Yes oh my god

16:17

and me say the answer. Is

16:21

no for an emulator for

16:23

us? As I guess

16:25

I thought yeah the eve but the saw. Yes,

16:28

more on the Join Sea Gull.

16:30

Every sentence is this piece is

16:32

curse and Shine Siegel as big

16:34

as a dog is leading a

16:36

squad of flying dunes terrorizing shoppers

16:38

for food. The draft of Bugs

16:41

Sarhad does the headlines a seat.

16:43

The whole thing. the headlines rubbish.

16:45

The place is amazing. The jacked

16:47

up Bugsy Siegel named after the

16:49

Us mucks see Go and is

16:51

known in Liverpool as the Top

16:54

Level Boss and Away And the

16:56

headline is the Boss. He

16:58

I service has I'm a migratory have

17:00

the authority Zola as big as that

17:02

that will sort of course. The

17:08

At. And then

17:10

there's another story in the star

17:13

about park and ride site which

17:15

is costs sixty one million pounds

17:17

but can't be used as the

17:19

road in and out is currently

17:21

unaffordable. The

17:25

headline is apart and

17:27

derides. And

17:31

also just a great metaphor the

17:33

an effortlessness I this has something

17:35

this english. Ah

17:38

and ah. Welcome to

17:40

Nome Island. A remote outcrop

17:43

covered with the ornaments. It's

17:45

some. Rocky.

17:49

Sys. Someone's

17:51

Someone's Put The Sims were going to

17:53

the Bbc News Readers forget. Someone's

17:57

put some a. Know.

18:00

On a. Rock for. The

18:04

hell I swear at least give

18:06

us where we didn't say he

18:09

was. No. One

18:11

knows Iraq. Of shallow

18:13

craig off. Sounding.

18:15

Macys on disagree I'm reading this

18:17

is in Scotland a series of

18:19

places have never heard of. And

18:23

put the headline is

18:25

Gnome Sweet Gnome Ah

18:27

bad. Know.

18:33

The seat says of the best of the

18:35

paper where we come to relax after we're

18:37

done with the series season. Just chill where

18:39

the guardian smugly tells us about the culture,

18:42

will never have time to enjoy the times.

18:44

Tell us why must burn all trousers and

18:46

anywhere white female reminds us that will never

18:48

be good enough. For your full freedom! Fries!

18:51

Has a day. We did have a certain The

18:53

Garden about the unsung heroes. Of our society,

18:55

the geniuses who named point. Yes,

18:58

Paint. Rogue Can you tell me more

19:00

about this. This is a small book

19:02

perfectly Formed Peace in the Guardian

19:05

by Emma Beddington About. Paint

19:07

Names and she's accompanied a

19:09

friend have paint shopping. And

19:12

it's it's It's like peace and I just think

19:14

is great and is just. The. The

19:17

sort of the the ridiculous

19:19

I'm so she says as

19:21

he decided that one brands

19:23

pain name's I decided mainly

19:25

funds to dame categories Pasco

19:27

or Pasco Pony subset through

19:29

I Don't Quill Easy Pomona

19:31

clove, Tony Britain buff or

19:33

oh Pa skills death from

19:35

and Pippin bloodstained, tidied Syrian

19:38

and pompadour other ponies or

19:40

I. Set

19:42

a silk license paint colors I think or

19:44

the naming. Of. Them at least. So yeah

19:47

yeah I want law would love that

19:49

job is like coming up with knows

19:51

her race horses or fans are. Somehow

19:53

I think I'd be good at it.

19:55

Racist landlord to. See

19:58

if. I can see what her that is. Peacekeeping

20:00

in there. Isn't

20:03

a Be joe I'm not

20:05

about or something births per

20:07

to scare you to pick

20:09

out random phrase them is

20:12

going for the star to

20:14

look for Petal can shopify

20:16

Verizon to paint Helical Spitfire

20:18

as good as Blackjack Typhoon

20:20

Yeah Own hands of Shakespeare.

20:22

Six. Not on

20:25

us going through today so

20:27

I'm picking out random phrase

20:29

his. Successor: Self

20:31

brenda. Small

20:34

race horses net but I did. I guess

20:37

you'd say I'm tie nine has I know

20:39

has. A clear see I'm They'd say that I'm

20:41

a paint. Color and I wanted some.

20:43

Is it's real or fake? Please go.

20:46

Since. Okay, I know, died.

20:48

Then I'll hold his influence. On.

20:51

Your whole his insulin is in clumps.

20:53

Son had gotten so now. I'm

20:58

offering. The law says several teams with

21:00

clumps or it nonstop. So does the

21:02

one I'm not saying like a surveyor

21:05

with say I suffer from the south.

21:11

China Sea. Have a these

21:13

ruff hazard. the assets drop cloth.

21:16

Go out on Amazon would say that

21:18

sounds real to me. I would say

21:21

now I saw him and so of

21:23

sort of a kind of a between

21:25

cream and gray I would say. Is.

21:28

History. Smith.

21:30

See. These.

21:32

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full! Of

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I can see I'm a comedian can immediately to

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do it like we did. you'd have one will

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in morning and read and the other bulls are

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of what plants looks like that smacks

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to Michael. Brown

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no Okay, I'm going to say no, that's not true.

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color morning glories of flowers what has

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awesome Thank you Thanks to Fight

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Support the stuff they say that's get more fun.

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From to three quid sixty a month. Had it

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with a paper. Felt certain that Uk or follow

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the link in the senate's witnessed like to thank

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some of our supporters are helping. To make

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the say today, they see him here. They

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seek him there, his clothes allowed but never

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square. Thanks Eric Power! One. Week

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season Polka dots the next

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week season stripes Thanks Gail

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Told. Her well this built

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and disconnect some policies because he's a

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dedicated fuller assassin. Thanks Lisa Marie. I've

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been alex sometimes them with an easy listening to pay

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for thoughts on a day when. Another see

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Dell story a nine year old

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British boy has won the European

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have a seat else too far from

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chesterfield set of see both I feel.

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Like they're really nice animal. I like them

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because of that noise. I love him sisters

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of as he doesn't sustaining myself. The beats.

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because of it and then presented bow on

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tons of and with rope and so described

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them from womb. The Additives: Andrew

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asked.