0:02

Hello, it's Thursday the 25th of April.

0:04

I'm Alex von Tunselman and I'm a nun

0:07

on the run. Welcome back to Papercuts, the

0:09

modern newspaper review. Every day we

0:11

assemble the fourth estate and lead them in

0:13

a rousing community choir that echoes through all

0:15

of Fleet Street. The sun's singing

0:17

from the wrong hymn sheet, the telegraph's bass has

0:19

a lot of power but could work on the

0:22

tone, and the Daily Star is squawking like a

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psycho scumbag seagull, but we love them anyway. You

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show notes. Every person who

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listens and subscribes helps us keep going

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so we can bring you the best

0:41

bits of the papers every weekday. Now

0:43

here are the top stories for today's

0:45

show. Start a love train, a love

0:47

train. Labour's gonna re-nationalise the railways. Choo

0:49

choo, woo woo. Wild horses couldn't drag

0:51

me away. A couple of

0:53

horses get spooked and rampage around London.

0:56

Apocalypse possibly imminent. And

0:58

you and I are gonna live forever. John

1:00

Cleese spends 17 grand a year on stem

1:02

cell therapy to keep him in the dewy

1:04

flush of youth. Welcome to Papercuts. We read the

1:06

papers so you don't have to. Thanks

1:14

for joining us on Papercuts where we're singing with

1:16

one voice and unfortunately it's out of tune. I'm

1:19

Alex von Tunzelman and with me today is journalist

1:21

and author John Ellidge. John, congratulations are in order

1:23

because you've got a book out today. I

1:25

do. It's finally officially out rather

1:27

than just sort of randomly on shelves for

1:30

some inadequately explained reason. But your copy of

1:32

A History of the World in 47 Borders,

1:34

which you've obviously already ordered, is

1:37

on its way to you now. Was the

1:39

party nice last night? I have such a headache. He's

1:41

gonna live it. I'll stop shouting. I'm gonna be so

1:43

great on this show today. Well

1:45

we're very happy to have you here and yes, available in

1:47

all good bookshops. It's A History of the World in 47

1:50

Borders by John Ellidge and

1:52

also joining me as comedian and host of new

1:54

podcast, How Was It For You? Marcus Brigstock. Good

1:57

morning. Marcus, how was it for you? Well, it

1:59

was excellent. I've had a hell of a time. I

2:02

was going to get the tube here and

2:04

I was able at the very last minute to

2:07

get on a horse that was parked there and

2:09

able to ride here against my will and at

2:11

very high speed. So it was tremendous. You weren't

2:13

even meant to be on the show today. No,

2:16

no, no, exactly. I accidentally fell on a passing

2:18

horse and here I am. Okay,

2:21

Jon, run through the broadsheet front pages

2:23

for us this morning. Okay, The Guardian

2:25

is leading with Labour pledges to nationalise

2:27

rail network within five years. Below

2:30

that, a less cheery story. The era of

2:33

peace in Europe is over, key of warns

2:35

west, next to a picture

2:37

of some horses that have bolted, which is quite

2:39

appropriate. The eye has...

2:42

What is going on with the eye? No one

2:45

knows. The eye has revealed Labour's plan to

2:47

nationalise UK rail. Well, of course it's revealed.

2:49

They've put out a press statement. That's what

2:51

they... Everyone's got this story. Why are they

2:53

trying to make it sound sinister? The

2:56

Daily Telegraph is going a different way with its

2:58

Labour coverage. Starmer

3:00

refuses to match PM's defence budget.

3:02

Yeah. Right. Yeah.

3:05

And apparently child drinkers rise in generation

3:07

lockdowns. Well, who can blame you? There wasn't

3:09

much else to do. Right. And

3:12

that also leads the time. Is England worst

3:14

in world for underage drinking? Surely

3:16

England best in world for underage drinking. I

3:18

was going to be on the way. I

3:20

misread that when it said worst in world

3:22

for underage drinking. I thought we were lagging

3:24

behind and that more youngsters should be encouraged

3:26

to do that. Should be encouraged to drink.

3:30

Probably not, but yes. And Marcus, what

3:33

are the tabloids up for? Well, actually,

3:35

the cover of the mail says, do

3:37

you in capital letters have a problem

3:39

with drink? Take our quiz before you

3:41

answer no. And if you're too pissed

3:43

to read the quiz, the answer is

3:45

yes. You're a child

3:47

of God. Yeah, exactly. They've got

3:50

A photo of two of the horses

3:52

that were spooked yesterday and they blame

3:54

it squarely on the builders who dropped

3:56

some concrete that terrified the horses. Box

4:00

Six. More rampage of terrified cavalry horses.

4:02

Lucky builders? Yeah, exactly exactly. And they

4:04

said they were going to speak the

4:07

horses much earlier Than that, She missed

4:09

her success. Of

4:11

the sun. Beatrice. Eckstein

4:13

drug tests. First love found in

4:15

Miami Hotel assists Princess Beatrice his

4:17

first boyfriend is apparently he died

4:19

of a suspected drug overdose. High

4:21

level of news avoidance? Yes on

4:23

as usual. Absolutely fan or to

4:25

have a story that the idea

4:27

and the Daily Star Proud to

4:29

love animals. So proud in fact,

4:31

they haven't run with the runaway

4:33

horses stories. Go!

4:36

I do like this. Britain's hard is see

4:38

jollies of worse. It's

4:42

amazing. So called tough, not exposed

4:44

as a fraud. a single story

4:46

everyday. The sweet I mean unless

4:48

it's wonderful that fun on why

4:50

would people with it with the

4:52

weather being so beautifully with some

4:54

for the greatest but the main

4:56

headline in a style is greasy

4:58

fry ups who turn us into

5:00

zombies facing are processed food like

5:03

fly out is creating a nation

5:05

of insomniac zombies. But on the

5:07

plus side they taste really really

5:09

good. That's how they sang as

5:11

a success. I think it into a new away

5:13

something. As as they have back into a

5:15

human think they're good, I think that comforting,

5:17

and I think June that's what you've earned

5:19

today. Now

5:25

find me a bit of nice it's might

5:27

share. Ocelot neighbor has said it's going to

5:29

do something if and then it gets into

5:31

governance and the think it's going to do

5:33

is renationalize the railways songs as paper. Cups

5:36

Railway Correspondent. What's the plan? my sister's is

5:38

why did they have to do this today?

5:41

Family de Lisser S I O and

5:43

some nice quiet day. wanted to have

5:45

to do with news. Okay so they're

5:47

promising movies Louise Hay, The Shelley Chance

5:49

with Sex Streets as described it as

5:51

the biggest reforms are always in the

5:53

generations witnessing us probably move south. Truth

5:55

same that a very heavy not cool

5:57

enough. My said better suited is what

6:00

the means. They're not gonna let you

6:02

take contracts or funny when they just

6:04

let them expire a move and gradually

6:06

and house and basically they're gonna sit

6:08

there was in instead of having like

6:10

lots of different railway operators who never

6:12

denied a duplicate, gonna back office staff

6:14

and is like costs having fun by

6:16

the bidding process and the contract was

6:18

on stage you can gradually most them

6:20

into at once data and operator. I'm

6:22

this is meant to say about twenty

6:24

million pounds. yeah that works on I

6:26

don't know but that's the plants. The

6:28

other elements of this is. Not going to

6:30

creative and could the passenger Standards authority to

6:33

scrutinise new system and will make sure the

6:35

past me as a getting the best price

6:37

on the tickets rather than the worst to

6:39

i'm still be automatic delay repay and things

6:41

that digital season tickets across the networks. I

6:43

mean is there is some radicalism here but

6:45

it was so it's not a million miles

6:47

away from what sort of been happening anyway

6:49

since the pandemic, it's just kind of committing

6:51

to. It's a bit more like the i

6:53

was privatised system of franchising is basically dead

6:56

is there wasn't enough money and it's me,

6:58

operators and the keep going bust and government.

7:00

Keeps taking mean else and labor to

7:02

said no. We like that we think

7:04

it's good dance as a process not.

7:06

Seeing. As them going Boston and

7:09

getting bailed out so that sailed

7:11

is continually get paid know the

7:13

rest of it's is demonstrably crap.

7:15

I'm an i told all round

7:17

the country all the time to

7:19

get to gigs and back and

7:22

it blows my mind that my

7:24

you snore huge it's a hybrid

7:26

but still my pretty chunky costs

7:28

including insurance with me on my

7:30

own in it is cheaper than

7:32

sharing a means of getting that

7:35

that is absolutely insane. I. Wouldn't

7:37

get too excited because like a reason the railway

7:39

the crap is we don't have the capacity on

7:41

the network so you either need to builds blood.

7:43

The point of a just to was never a

7:46

high speed line. Big pretended it was good. That

7:48

sounds cool us. The point was that by building

7:50

another new south line sticking the express trains on

7:52

s you can a clear space for the local

7:54

network you to run more local trains. Yeah you

7:57

can add to the capacity that works. That is

7:59

the barrier. Actually like you kind

8:01

of tinkering with different contracts are starting to

8:03

if you really want kind of like in

8:05

a cheapest as empty trains more reliably service

8:07

you need to invest in infrastructure. There is

8:09

nothing here about that. Two. Billion

8:11

Quit is like you know if it's if

8:14

I on that from my book copy Quite

8:16

happy with that are say about that you've

8:18

mentioned as I'm sure. but in terms of

8:20

like in a public spending that's not a

8:23

huge amount is so bad day I thought

8:25

it's not transformative subtler. yeah I need to

8:27

invest in the network outside something. I

8:30

never. the automatic re. Fun thing

8:32

is is absolutely crucial not only

8:34

be for passengers who are delayed

8:37

and and should just get their

8:39

their refunds anyway but because this

8:41

the real. Scandal of Face is when

8:43

a train is delayed, the rail operator

8:45

is able to claim for the delay

8:47

if the salt is on the track

8:49

which most of the time it is

8:51

steaks and claimed that every single passenger

8:53

that's on the train where most of

8:55

the passengers on the train go, I

8:57

don't know how much I can be

8:59

asked to fill out paperwork that might

9:01

not actually was. So the automatic we

9:03

fun thing is fantastic, not least because

9:05

it serves in me a sense of

9:07

justice that some fuck is a not

9:09

gonna get my fucking money that. Is

9:11

mais been sucking delight and sudden death? Or

9:14

let you just don't care about shareholders. And

9:30

I looked and behold a pale horse

9:32

and his name. that sauce on him

9:34

with death and hell followed with him.

9:36

specialist nothing to worry about and central

9:38

London. word for surprise yesterday. Or five

9:40

horses from the Household Cavalry. Through that right

9:42

as and bolted from Hyde Park parents. Martha

9:45

Small Happened here. Well

9:47

as city. What happened here is our

9:49

last forty quid. I had to add

9:51

in each way better thrive on my

9:54

to me as a white shuffle by

9:56

lunchtime and sadly after a craft is

9:58

no denying it Some. It fellow

10:00

with a know I mean that we

10:02

should say a cyclists and pedestrians were

10:04

both hurt know lives have been lost

10:07

and I think thera guy i'm one

10:09

of the horses collided with a boss

10:11

and so that some of the photographs

10:13

are upsetting. Death The white horses got

10:15

a lot even by all standards a

10:17

lot of blood on it was a

10:19

lie This had this been part of

10:21

the grand national that if spinner a

10:23

blue mystery curtain circled around that know

10:25

something magical would have happened to it's

10:27

well I went to live on a

10:30

some. I was so upset when I

10:32

learned that the white horse was covered

10:34

in it's own blood. That really upset

10:36

me man and I wanted to be.

10:39

If you want this is the big

10:41

questions that what did think has happened

10:43

was less upset. Certain that's why did

10:45

not bother me when I thought it

10:47

was a human. Perhaps most his mom

10:50

hates essences sources break free from a

10:52

ketchup factories because if it's then it's

10:54

fine to me spreads out what actually

10:56

happens here. The way this happened was

10:59

that the household cavalry were practicing. In

11:01

Hyde Park Fab! They will get

11:03

sir have a ten sitting on

11:05

a horse and as some building

11:07

contractors were doing what they do

11:09

and they dropped a big lump

11:11

of concrete into the back of

11:13

a truck. the truck being metal,

11:15

the concrete being concrete. a major

11:17

a hell of a din on

11:20

military horses who are military horses

11:22

and train for exciting moments when

11:24

we just sit at Ss and

11:26

absolutely a note if I sign

11:28

to I assume that Swat. Horses

11:30

sounds very Last Sunday then ran

11:32

through London. They ran for six

11:34

miles some a sense as it

11:36

looks these a big very powerful

11:38

horses I would not have attempted

11:40

to stop them died of let

11:42

them run out to live with.

11:44

Done I think the really big

11:46

Y C is that this didn't

11:48

happen at the weekend when a

11:50

course it was the marathon to

11:52

your machines and admit closing stages

11:54

of the marathon a being overtaken

11:56

by six horses install eating and

11:59

we they. When he would

12:01

have one. Yeah yeah yeah yeahs eyelids.

12:03

I do think though when I first

12:05

saw this on he did. Looks so

12:07

much like the apocalypse. I thought only

12:09

in Twenty Twenty Four Britain would the

12:11

arrival of the Four Horsemen of the

12:13

Apocalypse see the Horsemen fall off. So

12:18

the other the other thing about the story

12:20

the I was genuinely klein pressed by the

12:22

horses were were in Belgrade square a twenty

12:24

seven am. There

12:27

in Limehouse a forty. Hour

12:29

to get across town in thirty minutes via we are.

12:32

we still didn't relying on like you know the to

12:34

be new but when we go horses savvy. Really well.

12:36

I think it had lots. Of forces semi

12:38

the atrocities. yeah that's true. For

12:40

suggestions will be upon him via

12:42

Atlanta move that's pretty neat. They

12:44

are very devise a yes the

12:46

I Know Elizabeth Success success. Now.

12:50

I'm papers helps you know we love unsaid addressed

12:52

in our I so that area not takes a

12:54

been in our often said sir headlines of the

12:57

day but he that. Preston I have a

12:59

story ends in the some that's already

13:01

making me angry. Oh

13:03

Cri Kee Sons of Sedates Nineteen

13:05

Eighty sitcom Terry in June have

13:08

hit out of the Tv buses

13:10

added trigger warnings online view as

13:12

a told they must prepare for

13:14

quotes discriminatory language of the periods

13:16

know Firstly, Have

13:18

you ever met a Sanders Sedate Eighty

13:20

Six Commentary: As young as businesses who,

13:22

it's not only fools and Horses is not

13:25

Citizens Method doesn't feel like is one

13:27

of those things massively endured. Still, all

13:29

these people get angry about any With

13:31

a headline is Terry and Loons Zone

13:33

Die. You're not going to be invited

13:35

to Terry in June Com where thousands

13:37

of us Catherine cosplay as a the

13:39

Cherry orgy. Scene

13:41

Terrorists. As he

13:43

has right oh so in the

13:46

some onus is more like it's

13:48

dust. Turns the skies read unsettles only

13:50

temple of Apollo as a Saharan sand

13:52

storm sweeps across Greece. This is of

13:54

your nose is just run it is

13:56

the first the pits opportunity to the

13:58

is a fantastic. I'm

14:01

a headline is Acropolis now our

14:03

it guy is guess to give

14:05

the surprise of summer and finally

14:07

for me or a since his

14:10

food as scoot drink to a

14:12

joint. Doilies is among the unusual

14:14

entrance The dishes Turner Prize apparently

14:17

the work by Just Lean Tower

14:19

that Seven is in her exhibit

14:21

and selling her early life and

14:23

close to see communities again as

14:26

Scylla it's a lovely picture and

14:28

the headline is Doyle Change. As.

14:35

Says other it's I've got

14:37

some crackers say in the I'm

14:39

in the Daily Star Now

14:41

brace yourselves customs first one

14:43

is relatively complicated. you more

14:45

he needs. Picture is a police

14:47

line up but instead of

14:49

people a sea gulls and

14:51

what they're doing is they're comparing

14:54

the difference, hardness and potential

14:56

criminality of different sea gulls

14:58

of these real see goes

15:00

me that for Sega. Ah yes

15:02

yes there's one called Bugsy.

15:04

Wankel, Judas in one called the Boss.

15:09

Or nice best standing in a

15:11

photograph that is a police line

15:13

up. on the headline a Cb

15:15

got the image in your head

15:17

Deadline is the usual suspects. See.

15:21

You. Know like once you've got the then it's

15:23

fine to I yeah yeah the rangers the names

15:25

of the sea gulls ally in a less about

15:27

yeah proxy do this in the boss. Presents

15:31

a nice. Apparently.

15:34

It's trendy to dress like

15:36

to mumbo. On

15:39

the trench coats is back in

15:41

fashion. I've gone with just Like

15:43

Colombo rather than like a flasher

15:45

in the seventies Sundance in aspects

15:47

of flu so or indeed, gadgets.

15:49

And they. It's not really upon

15:51

this, but it is very nice.

15:53

If you remember Colombo's they've got

15:55

a picture. Pizza Falcon is says

15:57

I Just one more thing. By.

15:59

it's Rich people tea! Now

16:18

to the middle bits of the papers where the

16:20

really scary stuff lurks. And today

16:22

we have yet more on the ongoing trend of

16:24

rich people wanting to live forever. It's

16:26

not that weird vampire dad billionaire again though.

16:29

I know he's so creepy. This time it's

16:31

John Cleese. He's been talking to

16:34

Saga magazine. He's not crazy at all. He's

16:37

fine. He's been talking to Saga magazine and

16:39

says that despite being in his words surprisingly

16:42

poor, he's spending £17,000 a

16:44

year on rejuvenating stem cell treatments.

16:46

Maybe that's why he's poor. John, is

16:48

it working? There's a

16:50

full quote. I'm going to read the end of the quote first. He

16:52

says, I think that's why I don't look bad for 84. I'm

16:56

not sure that's true. I think he looked

16:58

fine for 84. I

17:00

don't think 84 is what it was 30 years

17:02

ago. I think there's a lot of

17:05

quite spry people in the venues out there. 30 years ago

17:07

it was 54. Exactly.

17:11

Quick math. Hang

17:13

on, I'm just checking that. Yeah, you're right. But

17:15

okay, so he's spending £17,000 every 12 to 18 months. For

17:21

20 years he's been doing this as well. He's

17:23

been doing this for 20 years. You would be

17:25

hoping for more of an effect. Yes, he's having

17:27

these stem cells injected. He says these cells travel

17:29

around the body and when they discover a place

17:32

that needs repair, they'll then change into the cells

17:34

that you want for that repair. So they might

17:36

become cartilage cells or liver cells. So I think

17:38

that's why I don't look bad for 84. Now

17:41

I am not a scientist, but

17:43

I am suspicious. I

17:46

just don't think that's a thing that helps. I'm

17:49

suspicious that this is science. It doesn't sound convincing

17:51

to me. I think

17:54

what has happened here is that someone has found

17:56

quite a clever way of separating John Cleese from

17:59

£17,000. £1000 a year for

18:01

two decades without marrying him. I mean

18:03

I'm looking at John. John I was

18:05

going to say. If somebody offered

18:07

you a nice warm mug of stem cells right now,

18:09

you look like a man who might take it. There's

18:12

have to be deep fried. And

18:15

Marcus, there is more of those. I mean

18:18

John Cleese looks like he's positively economising next

18:20

to this feature in the iPaper about

18:22

longevity clubs. What are you doing on

18:24

here? Yes. So well there's a very

18:27

heartening headline in the i that just

18:29

says forget the gym and I thought

18:31

oh good I'm on trend. But sadly

18:33

they say more than that. So they've

18:35

gone inside the longevity clubs that cost

18:37

£60,000 per year. These are sort of

18:39

old people's homes but

18:46

wellness clinics somewhere. I

18:49

don't know how much wellness is one

18:51

of those words that gets used. People

18:53

don't know the difference between health

18:55

and wellness. Health and wellness are sort

18:57

of the same thing except wellness is

19:00

assaulted by a liar. So

19:06

these are, I mean

19:08

in a sense these are quite good because

19:10

instead of just trying to live for longer,

19:13

people are finally addressing the idea of living

19:15

well. If you're going to stay alive for

19:17

a long time it's no good just being

19:20

a sort of decrepit dusty ghost. This is

19:22

odd. So if you go into one of

19:24

these places which I have to say I've

19:27

already counted myself out based on what it's

19:29

called, this clinic that they're talking

19:31

about here is called Seren.

19:35

Welcome to Seren. Oh my god

19:37

that's definitely somewhere in a sci-fi movie that's going

19:39

to murder you. S-U-R-R-E-N-N-E. So

19:41

it's not Seren. It's

19:44

Seren. Oh god.

19:47

Welcome. These people can learn about food.

19:52

There's microbiome analysis, there's

19:54

DNA methylation and

19:56

dissection of clients libido, fitness

19:58

and nutrition. All of which help

20:00

to map out the rate at which they're aging.

20:04

I'm going to say you don't need that. You're

20:06

aging anyway and you consider... Are you all right?

20:08

You're aging at the rate of one day a

20:11

day. That's how it works. Exactly. Are you all

20:13

right today? Not really.

20:16

What hurts? Well, both my knees,

20:18

part of my back and all my fingers.

20:20

Oh, okay. Well, you're a bit older than

20:22

you were. Baaay! And

20:25

how much of your hard earned cash are

20:27

they relieving you of? Well, this one is

20:29

60,000 pounds a year. They've

20:33

got a thing here which I was fascinated by.

20:35

You can lose weight through ultra

20:37

fasting. But the thing

20:39

about fasting is it involves not eating

20:41

anything. So it isn't possible to ultra

20:44

fast. Or so I thought. Ultra

20:47

fasting, as I understand here, is

20:49

when fasting is combined with colonics.

20:51

Oh my God! Colonic irrigation. So negative

20:54

eating. So it is

20:56

you putting nothing in one end and removing as

20:58

much as you can from the other. And

21:01

just hollowing yourself out. It's like a

21:03

tube. I have been for a colonic

21:05

rinse. Well. And I went... You

21:07

are looking pretty good for my face. No,

21:09

I'm not in the frame of mind. Well, let

21:11

me tell you what happened. I went with my dear

21:14

friend Phil Jupitus. The furthest went. Don't

21:17

hurt Phil Jupitus, it's a good story.

21:19

Oh, Jull. What happened

21:21

was that just before our

21:26

clinician, our therapist, had

21:28

one of those lovely, slightly silvery-esque sounds

21:30

who just said things like, we're just

21:33

going to rinse your colon, like

21:35

this. And she said

21:37

to Phil, she said, OK Phil,

21:39

so I'm just, in a

21:41

moment, just about to insert the tube. I

21:44

do just need to ask you, Phil, did

21:46

you eat something quite spicy last night? And

21:49

Phil said, yeah, I did. I had

21:52

a curry. She had

21:54

a madras. And she went, You might

21:56

want to think about having something slightly less spicy. You

21:58

Have got some light scolding. The around

22:00

the I in as such a

22:02

souvenir sides have so many of

22:04

my pillow guys on this show

22:06

these days in those things going

22:08

out bomber. All

22:11

the news that sets of prints South

22:13

Africa. And

22:17

see and as they say put

22:19

up. Thanks to John Ellis Sent

22:21

to the multiplex.by robots. Don't forget the

22:23

papers that support us clubs this Those ads get

22:25

more fun. From to three quid sixty a month

22:27

had over the papers outside of code Uk or

22:29

fully. The link to the Senate. Or

22:32

just like to think some of the supposes that helping

22:34

to make the say today. You can

22:36

dumps, you can Joys, Alexander

22:38

Boils having the time of

22:40

your life Molson, Cisco, See

22:42

that does. What's that seen? digging? The

22:45

Dancing Queen Anne Shirley. I've

22:47

been Alexandre although it A D V. listen

22:49

to paper cuts on a daily Boson Support

22:51

that until a ticket. Mount Erebus is shooting

22:54

out five thousand pounds worth of gold and

22:56

diamond dust everyday. I'm just to see if

22:58

Ryanair slice of the skull Amundson South postseason.

23:00

Still the thinks that. And a pack

23:02

of us. These cameras excess baggage. see

23:04

tomorrow. Is

23:08

innocent and presented into than.

23:11

That which is good for

23:13

diseases. And eight assists. A

23:15

bit insensitive and nice. The new. Their

23:18

businesses with me. Painting music is

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my son and William Socialist by

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care and Leslie Design by Temperance

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with original. I've been out in

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Tough. The executive producer is my

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someplace Else. Managing editor is Active

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Jarvis and repetitive is Andrew Harrison.

23:33

Paper Cups is a Podemos production.