0:02

Hello, it's Wednesday the 8th of May,

0:05

I'm Miranda Sawyer and my size fives

0:07

are stomping all over politics Joe's

0:09

toes. Welcome back to

0:11

Papercuts, the modern newspaper review, where we

0:13

give you everything that other news podcasts

0:15

do, except shorter and funnier and you

0:17

don't wait until snooze o'clock to get

0:19

it. We get up early, we

0:21

don't sleep in, wha wha wha wha wha wha,

0:23

why are you trolling like a beep, are you

0:25

tired? Yes? As

0:28

of 7pm yesterday, Papercuts is in

0:30

a podcast beef with

0:33

so-called rival politics Joe who have

0:37

quote parked their tank on our

0:39

lawn. Sadly for them and

0:41

for newsagents, there's no big 3, there's

0:44

only big PC. Shockingly,

0:46

Eva Santina is the J-coal of this

0:48

whole situation and we expect her to

0:50

say sorry and start grovelling soon. Either

0:53

that or we reveal the location of

0:55

her secret 11 year

0:57

old hamster. Remember if

0:59

you like what we do, then

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why not tell us exactly what it is that you

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like by filling out an exciting listener survey. Oh

1:07

yes, the link is in the show notes.

1:09

You can also tell us what you don't like

1:11

there, but if you bring up anything about my

1:13

lack of height, I'm going to shout Pulitzer Prize

1:15

and run away. Now here

1:17

are the top stories for today's show. Stormy

1:20

Bleather, Stormy Daniels spills the

1:22

details of her sexual encounter with Donald

1:25

Trump, Mirror Signal, Massive

1:27

Row, Why Women Driving Well

1:29

Drives Men Mad and Camel

1:31

Pops Through Needles Eye, How

1:33

Bear Grylls Brought Jesus to the

1:36

Posh and Wealthy. Welcome

1:38

to Papercuts, we read the papers so

1:40

you don't have to. Thanks

1:47

for joining us on Papercuts, where we've got an opinion

1:50

if you've got the column. I'm Miranda

1:52

Sawyer and joining me today is Podmaster's

1:54

boss and host of brand new podcast

1:56

American Friction, where he and Chris Jones

1:58

watch US podcasts. Politics and then talk about

2:01

it is sick of Job is hi Jeff. Hi

2:03

Miranda, aren't. Making his debut on the

2:05

show is comedian and co host of Dicks

2:07

Pigs podcasts where he in either graham get

2:09

to dig with a mates and then talk

2:11

about it is Alex Keeley hi Alex. And

2:13

I'm. So. What have we got on

2:16

the front pages to day job you

2:18

have the serious papers are there is

2:20

less be really serious or an hour

2:22

so the I has stormy day in

2:24

courts great great putting their from the

2:26

I first on see a puddle me

2:28

from Posey I for very long time

2:30

first but then they go rob with

2:32

a series story as as you'd expect

2:34

Uk gives Israel war crimes warning for

2:36

refer invasion is male risks committing war

2:38

crimes if it continues his latest offensive

2:40

in Gaza without coming up with credible

2:42

plan to protect civilians sheltering in Russia

2:44

The Uk. Wounds Success front page.

2:46

Then The Guardian has derek Club

2:48

members vote to least one hundred

2:50

ninety free a ban on women

2:52

joining so years now and see

2:55

a suitable really smart yet. Again

2:58

now now very rich and privileged

3:00

women can join the very Rich

3:02

and privileged men in the very

3:05

rich Privileged club soda or when

3:07

first. Round

3:09

his ass? Yeah, gray. And they've

3:11

also got Daniels startled by Trump

3:13

Encounter, I'm sure. We will talk

3:15

a lot more about the Something counter

3:17

later on The times as Britain leaves

3:20

charged. Keep young safe online. New rules

3:22

aim to curb harmful algorithms. So yeah

3:24

be the times. Hating tic toc of

3:26

the author of the Times has ticked

3:29

oxygen. You can see that on the

3:31

front of the Daily Telegraph airport entails

3:33

after he gates fail at peak times

3:36

so this is am on. Posters were

3:38

forced to keep ours and border for

3:40

security systems went down the as as

3:42

costs a lot of our forces. Well

3:45

at Manchester he said it was just

3:47

a complete eighty dollars and my master

3:49

that they're from pages cues. And

3:52

then they've got some tears and

3:55

been. Alison taste of top islamist

3:57

are exploiting our tolerance. Okay Allison

3:59

and. The back home but won't see the

4:01

king but the home is where the hall is so if

4:03

he didn't see the king is he ready Home I know.

4:07

How to Alex? You have what we will call

4:09

the Sunday Papers. Yes with a son.

4:11

also leads with that story which is

4:13

as Prince Jets and Charles too busy

4:15

to see Harry and Hansen's old software

4:18

regiments to Brother William who slammed the

4:20

regimental shop. Average salary and I'm like

4:22

a very dismissive way to think about

4:24

your fellow our servicemen and women. I'm

4:26

sorry yeah who can blame King is

4:29

what they say this about smiling or

4:31

he seems not city poverty. The whites

4:33

yeah about us as their chosen and

4:35

the Daily Mail has days tops. Samantha

4:37

Break sang on a brilliant drivers that.

4:40

To the most men and that makes

4:42

them so angry. Decided by massive would

4:44

be accepted. My to have the and

4:46

com rights are just make the last.

4:48

What a lot of films? Thus saith

4:51

the tip of a demerit. I've gone

4:53

with yours boost for fans as that

4:55

would be extra time in the pub

4:57

Boston so polite s England reach the

4:59

semi finals which is possibly the most

5:01

precious. Definitely

5:06

see you miss people. don't get

5:08

to drink plate see I imagine

5:10

Imagine the hands, the amon shoulder,

5:12

the gas. athletic enough to do

5:14

it for like stuff as the

5:16

post in the quarter finals. You

5:19

know this I could devastate my

5:21

presence and and the stall see

5:23

have gone with oh no but

5:25

he boffins say bacon makes you

5:27

stupid even with brown sauce or

5:29

them as a big red warning

5:31

this sony will shrink your brain

5:33

and then they have. Poured Milliband

5:36

as a victim Summary: Topical Sas often and where the

5:38

boss. Asked

5:41

us. What?

5:45

Happens to the spark. Yeah for hims,

5:47

I mean there is that. I have to say

5:49

that bacon sandwich on the front page of the

5:51

stuff is a double. Yes, Yes!

5:54

It's double bacon sandwich rather than just a single.

5:56

They've really gone for it's is unclear to me

5:58

why Me: Why don't get. The had on his

6:01

they say even with brown some was as

6:03

if as I can access sort of Tannoy

6:05

two and a crowdsourced I like horse your think

6:07

our to have a neat that's neat buffet

6:09

but yeah but with brown sauce will be

6:11

fine am. Now

6:15

a most in front pages today are what

6:17

we might call lurid details and the Hush

6:19

Money case. Against Donald Trump. That's going on

6:21

in New York at the moment stormy. Daniels,

6:24

the porn star, his alleged. Sexual

6:26

affair with Trump is at the center

6:28

of the case. Took to the stand

6:30

yesterday. And we can say see.

6:32

Didn't disappoint. Stormy

6:35

Say. Stormy. Daniels serve

6:37

list as he don't remember is the

6:40

adult film actress who don't from definitely

6:42

did not sleep successfully didn't do that.

6:44

That doesn't sound like something the dog

6:47

Trump would do and he say he

6:49

didn't do it but he allegedly again

6:51

definitely didn't do paid a hundred and

6:54

thirty thousand pounds for her to not

6:56

tell stories about having not slept with

6:58

him. So is orbiting a big com

7:01

k there but associate Trump's in trial

7:03

at the moment because of questions over

7:05

him falsifying business records. To allow one

7:08

hundred and thirty thousand dollars in hush

7:10

money to be paid by Michael Cohen,

7:12

his former fixer to Stormy Daniels so

7:15

she would show up About this Alleges.

7:18

Shocking on getting one of you wanna

7:20

call it. Honestly, I think this is

7:22

what bunking death in the wrong side

7:24

of anyway and Caesar and books about

7:27

the wrong precedent as Coelho of commentary

7:29

around the rump and descriptions of don't

7:31

from sir things you don't need to

7:34

know. I'll tell you when you're older

7:36

basically so in cool what he said

7:38

see spoke about how she met, come

7:40

on, how this sexual encounter with didn't

7:43

happen. They're going to trump how it

7:45

happened. Say Bezerra this golf day and

7:47

say. They mad spoke Little Bear and

7:50

then later in the day a bodyguard

7:52

of Trump says i'll do you want

7:54

to go said dinner with Don't Trump

7:56

and. See. Says no Fernando on

7:58

the on the last. That but then

8:00

she guess another invites dinner and sings

8:03

old. actually sounds worse than going for

8:05

dinner with don't Surround the I'd how

8:07

bad is that exactly and eyes as

8:09

damning indictment of minorities are now with

8:11

some sort of groups of Anger movie

8:13

right now and look I get that

8:15

is some maybe people would want you

8:18

to share and died. I hate sharing

8:20

or rather go to dinner with don't

8:22

from field for my own meal make

8:24

out of them to say exactly exactly

8:26

it's been a way to. Then she

8:28

goes. She ends up going. To his

8:30

his hotel room. Not quite sure

8:33

why you would innocently me a

8:35

hotel room first before dinner. Not

8:37

me. In a place

8:39

either at I really eats is

8:41

only for a be recognized technique.

8:43

Yeah, so bad guys. The bet

8:45

you know it's not great, know

8:48

from his side by side in

8:50

pajamas. Yes and an hour and

8:52

a reasonably pages. and this basically

8:54

goes into my new theory of

8:56

Donald Trump. That's all we should.

8:58

Donald Trump isn't the inspiration of

9:01

big with Tom Hanks. has he

9:03

been vague? As

9:05

a child and he's just been big to

9:07

this out. On his wish for things that

9:10

because they're he sat there and east germans

9:12

and the start chatting with they start talking

9:14

finances the sheath a lot of us can

9:16

for we gonna deny be as dumb as

9:18

she take to piss off his pajamas thousand

9:21

and change and she does change but then

9:23

he asks are all sorts of questions posed

9:25

no one's which is a sides are you

9:27

know fuck off my new avoid her said

9:30

Sedena don't be so rude he asks are

9:32

biased he days because as her a line

9:34

of work and stuff like that she says

9:36

she's dear he's pretty rude. Bully

9:39

back that anyway. he goes to the

9:41

toilet, comes back and he sat there

9:43

in boxes and a t shirt and

9:46

because of first I was disturbed like

9:48

a jump scare. Just as your Moscow

9:50

is quite a way to describe some

9:53

unlucky massage for all my god what

9:55

did I misread to get her things

9:57

as is pretty clear among stripped down.

10:00

The their underwear so yeah anyway then

10:02

she she thinks she's gonna go he

10:04

he gets half or we were getting

10:06

somewhere. Why you leaving see suggests you

10:08

know she says it wasn't it won't

10:10

Frightening I just trump everything. bombs. It's

10:12

a bit creepy. I'm basically they they

10:14

wind up having sex for out. Then

10:16

she goes into a little bit more

10:18

detail and basically in the court had

10:21

gone. come on. We. Don't needs.

10:23

This. Much just having sex enough so

10:25

the detail I will give you which isn't

10:27

everywhere not report everywhere but was seen at

10:30

some places at roy is has it so

10:32

it seen I missed that series is that

10:34

party has been really rude to her. And

10:37

he goes by new, he spanks me

10:39

I think it is and she apparently

10:41

she's claims to have spanked him with

10:44

a road of magazines at which point

10:46

in the cord from goes that's bullshit

10:48

and he gets i find it be

10:50

like you know see shouldn't be saying

10:52

this much for you can say she's

10:54

talking bullshit as well so that get

10:56

yelled ah spices and basically yeah that

10:58

by being told off and that was.

11:01

He. On says serious aspects of the whole

11:04

thing. That was kind of the tone of

11:06

the day really was of stormy been pushed

11:08

on all sorts of things aren't near the

11:10

defense Trump's team obviously want undermine Stormy Daniels

11:13

credibility is mostly town and bad saying you

11:15

said you hey don't from and you clearly

11:17

interested in money and you have capitalized off

11:19

your fame around the whole situation says been

11:22

a lot of so shy back and forth

11:24

of her Going as he says is no

11:26

I didn't care about the money, I cared

11:28

about my my safety of in this whole

11:31

situation. I just. Wanted the whole thing

11:33

to go away, wasn't nice and

11:35

that is wanted to. Gonna. Be

11:37

buried. Since. Is obviously been

11:39

discussed and everywhere. And yeah is there

11:42

is Over I was saying is that

11:44

unites You can be a talkative and

11:46

gossipy person and the still have happened

11:49

have to know them and it's nice

11:51

to see saying it happened in a

11:53

gossipy wait a minute that not that

11:55

I think the issue being that it's

11:58

like Michael Cohen. And. The

12:00

advice people who. Is.

12:03

Quite easy for them to save.

12:05

Thought. You said so much. Lowered stuff

12:07

he says.silly stuff Michael Cohen is behaving

12:09

in. He's on take talk talking about

12:11

the trials and stuff the moment even

12:14

though basically the whole thing fucking rests

12:16

on him and you to thing man

12:18

like you are you. You have had

12:20

so many legal problems your own just

12:22

looks sensible. Now to Cs take talking

12:24

and then with Stormy Daniels's gonna let

12:26

you know She said same as stuff

12:28

of the that's gonna be I don't

12:30

think it's right but there is can

12:32

be produced around her because of a

12:34

line of work. And people are going to

12:37

judge Chef A.sights.smell of the tone of as

12:39

and try and see basically on the cop

12:41

and he think I'm occupy a lot of

12:43

cartoon characters isn't exactly a lot of thought

12:45

into it is what he thing alex we

12:48

interested because I am out. why am I

12:50

suppose I I you know I'm thinking what's

12:52

the texture of magazine a suitable for being

12:54

spanked with I think that life for me

12:57

a couple see and finance one to me

12:59

is not the I say I think more

13:01

I'm sober now be. Sick

13:05

that whether I can print or first three and a

13:07

half hour he from school to.credit you can. Also

13:11

be undertaken by the same high I say

13:13

I think he forty pages I think. full

13:16

of that. a glossy fold seems quite. I'm

13:18

starting to as he met him and quite.

13:20

Big. And he did. And apparently the detail is that

13:22

there is a picture of him in the sense, which

13:24

is that. The important details say i gotta say

13:26

that you want to beat feet on the bottom

13:29

my with a woman's weekly. You know you gotta

13:31

make sure that your face is on the among

13:33

the winter. Now

13:48

in the Times that is a

13:51

weird article about a church near

13:53

Harrods that has been gathering celebrities

13:55

and past people. In its

13:58

congregation, The Holy Trinity. And

14:01

church is it's name Alex what

14:03

is it's game that. I.

14:05

Get To The Zoo! Triggered by the recent

14:07

baptism of Russell Brand, the former Tv presenter

14:09

know My Guru who was named by our

14:12

internal be Taxed Jesus. Who

14:16

is the Heat Spy Tv show? Off

14:18

the survivalist and business semi professional pestering

14:20

can bear Grylls glad his recent stems

14:23

back to them which is quite a

14:25

bold locations be baptized in other I'm

14:27

not sure if it's meeting health and

14:29

safety standards. be baptized. And for so

14:32

Brown has been passes with back roads

14:34

and bag roles. Is part of the

14:36

the Alpha coast. So the Alpha courses

14:38

the recruiting arm of the Holy Trinity

14:41

Brompton Church which is just down the

14:43

road from Cards in Knightsbridge on has

14:45

quite the sorts of celeb cast list

14:47

of attendees. there's a lot of older

14:50

Tony Hims, the rich and powerful they've

14:52

got Mumford and Sons, Olivia is Ruth

14:54

and Miranda hearts as possible a surprising

14:56

number on a high. don't know why

14:58

this he apparently it's attend to the

15:01

course goes to the church. And then

15:03

now kind of sons a youth wing like

15:05

some of her profits guess is he's it's

15:07

and as soon as she saves money with

15:09

these. Churches I do think oh, that's the deal

15:11

Yeah yeah, I mean it's like okay, the

15:13

reason why you have pissing wealthy people. Is

15:15

somebody along here is making money? and it's

15:18

not. Always teases are they all pissed? Drink

15:20

is to. Show

15:23

I would hope with a quality comes out of the

15:26

communion. Wine is better than. Maybe.

15:29

They're just they're in the test and intelligence. And express

15:31

within it says into why Yeah exactly That's the

15:33

only as the Jesus Why. Such

15:36

and such. A

15:38

bobbing for me on described or theory

15:40

that really none of them believe in

15:43

god Seriously. And.because I'm because it's so

15:45

close to Harrods that I'm obsessed with

15:47

them. Sites made northeast Divorce where the

15:50

will be appetizing mogul Martin Sorrell have

15:52

like a thirty million pound of assessment

15:54

were by his wife custody of to

15:57

parking spaces and Howard's that will have

15:59

thousand pounds. Don't

16:02

I say ten k to the Alpha course? get

16:04

some of that parking at the Holy Trinity Brompton

16:06

and and use really close her parents the shop

16:09

home with. This you know the thing that

16:11

back this up a sit Spice Girls very

16:13

highly well as a members this church so

16:15

you might be on to sing. See Got

16:17

Mamet? See Cops Mermaids. Spice Girl, Terry

16:19

Halle well and six. And

16:22

a sexy. Got. That the kind of leader

16:24

of this. Out of this church

16:26

or the the guy who can

16:28

have reinvented this church send him

16:31

Gumbel see got him to associates.

16:33

America at the as a ceremony with her

16:35

and Christian Horner was seems very odd but

16:37

I mean she did anyway yeah but did

16:39

you know the cones bag Rosa my seem

16:41

the specific to ease of this church of

16:43

Jesus is cool. Thing

16:47

is a. Pretty fucking

16:49

true. True that

16:51

is. he said something some and he was

16:54

dropping pam on him so he was a

16:56

more more showed. So apparently the Jesus I

16:58

read about in the bible was fun, free

17:00

and wilde he lived a pie and he

17:03

always hung out with a non religious folk

17:05

the only people he ever got angry with

17:07

with the overly religious types. Of

17:10

during confess. That

17:14

also I. Would like to. Just enough that

17:16

we once in Madison that is not the

17:19

only people he ever got angry with. Jesus

17:21

the a really rich that with which people

17:23

as I remember like mine understanding of the

17:25

bible is mainly from watching Jesus Christ Superstar.

17:27

I feel a hundred more about Jesus about.

17:31

Although Jesus was pretty cool undies cause it's still

17:33

so yeah he was. I mean there is. A

17:36

bit of a weird thing a given

17:38

that Russell Brand's looks. A. Has

17:40

to sites as be moving towards the Jesus

17:42

sure think so he he looks like com

17:44

he eats yes if you're someone who are

17:46

doesn't look like they shower it's good to

17:48

have like I'd been the desert forty days.

17:50

the sixties roma have bad hygiene standards so

17:53

and that's the look is going for a

17:55

thing as elo an Aussie. Do have be

17:57

had. Was asked to going in the tens. As

17:59

yeah the I am sorry. worried about. But anyway,

18:01

it's nice. You know, isn't it nice? He's found God.

18:03

It's good to find God at the same time as

18:05

finding a request for comment from Channel 4 Dispatchers, I

18:07

think. I think we can... we can't, you know. We

18:11

can't. We can't fault him for his time. Yeah. He

18:14

works a mysterious way. Now

18:20

here at Papercuts, we love headlines. We

18:22

like them happy and snappy. We like

18:24

them funny and punny, and we don't

18:26

ever find them confusing at all, unlike

18:28

some people we could mention, Ava. Anyway.

18:34

Drag her. Yeah. Yes. Yes,

18:38

we need. Okay,

18:40

job. Have you got any good

18:42

headlines for this? Well, I've got...

18:44

So basically, it was two figurines

18:47

all round after police responded to

18:49

reports of a crocodile lurking near

18:51

a small village. But they

18:53

found out it was a toy. There's quite a

18:55

good picture. I do like this. It's a good

18:57

sort of local story, which then goes big. But

18:59

yeah, it's this big toy crocodile

19:01

head that's lurking out of

19:04

a puddle. It looks like...

19:06

And it's got the police in the background.

19:08

But yeah, they've got scales fail as a

19:10

top thing, and then dial 999

19:13

and make it snappy. Dial like Crocodile.

19:16

Okay. Dial it. It works when you

19:18

read it. It doesn't work out

19:21

loud as well. And this is a podcast.

19:23

So yeah, I'm very sorry to everyone there.

19:26

Right, we now have page five

19:29

in the star. What's

19:32

this? Okay,

19:37

well, look, I'm going to be as confused

19:39

as Ava Santino. This

19:42

headline. I like being in a piece.

19:44

It's good. Pastry fans have been flocking

19:47

to a bakery to try a 28 pound

19:50

pano chocolat. What? 28 pounds? 28

19:53

pounds is in cost wise, but

19:55

it looks massive too. So it's

19:57

a three pound XXL croissant that...

20:00

feeds eight. But

20:03

then it says it's 25 pounds. So the whole

20:05

story is confusing. The huge buttery treat

20:07

can be ordered in a supersized pan

20:09

of chocolate version of the bakery in

20:11

South Kensington. It's got roughly 3000 calories,

20:15

which is actually more than the pint of

20:17

Bear Grill's piss or roughly equal to it.

20:19

But yeah, a food blog has been there.

20:22

Pano a pan for 28 pounds, I think

20:25

is the headline. I don't know. I

20:30

thought it was like a mano a man. You

20:33

have a sort of lady in the tramp

20:35

style eating from opposite ends pan

20:37

of chocolate. Yeah, there's a better headline

20:39

on this page of just someone spilled

20:42

loads of spaghetti and it's got her

20:44

face is spaghetti oops. So spaghetti

20:47

oops. Producers take

20:49

notes. It's going to give me

20:51

spaghetti oops. I've got

20:53

the sun and on page free. So

20:55

a mountain has been left a mess

20:57

as hikers leave litter and urine should

20:59

have drank it. The emergency shelter at

21:02

the top of Ben Nevis has been

21:04

turned into a dumping ground by selfish

21:06

tourists. I could say they

21:08

need to find Jesus and stop doing that.

21:10

They basically claim visitors have choked bottles of

21:12

urine, empty cans of booze and rotten food

21:14

into the graffiti covered building on the UK's

21:17

largest mountain. Yeah, not very nice. Ben

21:20

Nevis. Ben Nevis. Solid.

21:23

Very solid. Spaghetti oops. That's

21:26

the sort of thing we need.

21:30

So Alex, you've got the star as well. I've

21:32

got the star and this is on page

21:35

seven and we have a story whereby firefighters

21:37

have had to rescue a hapless puppy which

21:39

got his head stuck in a wall. A

21:42

whole month old Jeremy Beagle, spoiler alert,

21:44

I think that's better than the actual

21:46

pun that Ben goes with, got

21:49

wedged while exploring his garden in

21:51

the West Midlands and the

21:53

chief, Brett Mortimer said that I'm proud of

21:55

my team. His quick thinking helped an animal

21:57

in distress and the headline is... I

22:00

think it's a panic wall over. Wall

22:02

over? I think it's all over. That's

22:04

right! I

22:07

don't fully understand what I'm meant to take from that

22:09

point. It's

22:12

a lovely picture of him though, look! He

22:14

looks so cute, especially with all the bricks around his head.

22:17

Yes, it does look like, you

22:19

know when you have sci-fi and

22:22

a character is like teleported but it goes wrong and they're

22:25

teleported halfway to the building, that's what it looks like. It's

22:28

like the fly. Yes, exactly. Jeff

22:32

Goldblum got into a teleporter with some bricks and

22:34

a dog. Right, so

22:36

this is on page 16 of The

22:38

Star and this is a story about

22:40

a hit squad of nutjob grey squirrels

22:43

sneaking over to an island famed for

22:45

red tufties on trains, cars and

22:47

even by swimming. It's the idea that

22:50

a bunch of grey squirrels are using

22:53

lots of forms of transport to

22:56

invade a red squirrel sanctuary. Yeah, it

22:58

sounds like it's gang stuff. It's like

23:00

a rap beat. The

23:03

rap beat is the best way to say it is. Yes,

23:05

so how old is 11 in squirrel years is what

23:07

we're all asking. It

23:12

would apparently ruin 25 years of conservation work

23:14

off the island was previously declared free from

23:17

grey squirrels and now there are at least

23:19

10 roaming free. The boffin warned, it

23:21

was good to have a boffin with a

23:23

sizeable number of greys in the same area.

23:25

This result in a rapid transmission and a

23:27

lot of pox virus being shed acting as

23:29

an accelerant. And the headline is squirrel nutjob.

23:32

Squirrel nutjob. I'd say this is a

23:34

feel good story on page 18 of

23:36

The Star, which is about a super

23:38

fast school boy who aims to be

23:41

the world's first deaf Formula One racing

23:43

driver. Fearless Caleb McDuff,

23:45

16, has learned to race in virtual

23:47

silence after suffering ear infections as a

23:49

toddler. He has had cochlear implants fitted which

23:51

give him the sensation of hearing, but he couldn't

23:53

use them while driving due to his helmet design.

23:56

And he signed for Team Brit, the world's first competitive

23:58

all disabled team earlier this year. year. Now

24:01

breakthrough implants on his helmet mean he can hear

24:03

the engine and his team radio. That's good. And

24:06

the headline is speed of no sound,

24:08

which is quite, quite, I don't know

24:10

if that really conveys the emotional journey

24:12

that the article took us through. Pretty

24:15

hopeful stuff in the article. I'm

24:29

David Baddiel, I'm a writer and a comedian and

24:31

a Jew. I'm Celia De Varsi, I'm

24:34

a businesswoman and a politician and a Muslim. Jews

24:36

and Muslims always seem to be in the news

24:38

or on the news. Most people talk about us

24:40

and this is us talking about ourselves. The kind

24:42

of things that people say don't touch, we

24:45

are going to go there. I mean, I think

24:47

Jews and Muslims are talking about these things, but

24:49

I think they're not talking about them together because

24:51

they're worried that if they do, sparks might fly.

24:54

A Muslim and a Jew go there. Find us

24:56

wherever you get your podcasts. Now

25:02

it's time to whizz over to the

25:05

Daily Mail front page where Papercut's favourite

25:07

Samantha Brick is here to tell us

25:09

that she can drive. And

25:12

she can drive better than all men, apparently,

25:14

because she is the brick and she is

25:16

better at everything anyone has ever done ever.

25:19

Alex, is she the best driver ever? Well,

25:22

certainly by reading this article, that's what I've inferred

25:25

from the situation. I think there's a couple of

25:27

key things. Well, there's about three things that you

25:29

end up knowing from this double page spreads. One,

25:34

I drive great and men drive awfully.

25:36

Two, I live in France and you must

25:39

know that loads. And

25:41

number three, here's every job and every

25:44

car I've ever driven. So, yes, so

25:46

this is an article which is a

25:48

sort of move from fourth-wave feminism to

25:50

fifth-gear feminism. So, within two sentences, she

25:52

flags that she lives in the Dordogne, which is

25:54

great to get that in the first para. And so,

25:56

it's basically just a sort of rundown

25:58

of every time that she's been in any

26:01

kind of cast scraping about how it's always

26:03

men who are being toxic. I do enjoy

26:05

an ongoing theme in the article which is

26:07

a, you know, I'm not necessarily saying she's

26:10

wrong, but there's often quite a subjective interpretation

26:12

about any time that anyone else uses a

26:14

horn, it's like a sort of noise warfare.

26:17

And anytime she uses a horn, it is

26:19

a polite, almost therapeutic toot. I

26:22

don't think I've ever heard a car horn be

26:25

described as a toot outside of an AML novel.

26:27

Like that's the only location for that I think.

26:29

Yeah, it's quite funny because I always think

26:31

like with cars when you're driving, what you

26:34

need is something that isn't quite a horn.

26:36

And it's like you need something to say,

26:38

Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah. I didn't mean

26:40

to do that. I'm sorry. But so like

26:42

I kind of waited. If you press a

26:44

horn, it sounds aggressive. But if you think,

26:47

Oh, man, I'm really sorry about that. I'm

26:49

like, my fortune's buzzer when you get the

26:51

answer wrong. Exactly. You need something like that,

26:53

like an alternative to the horn. I just

26:55

want someone going like, no worries, if not

26:58

like that. I just want a loud speaker

27:00

that was just going, Yeah, no worries, if

27:02

not, but would you mind? Yes, exactly.

27:04

Because I think the problem is you press the horn, everyone thinks

27:06

you're being aggressive. And if you just put your hands up

27:08

in the time ordered, you know, position of, Oh,

27:10

sorry, mate, they might not see you. So that

27:13

I think is possibly the problem for Samantha. It's

27:15

a fair and it's a fair point. And

27:17

so she's got data at her disposal,

27:20

which is flagging that, you know, there

27:22

are more claims from men for car

27:24

insurance and that the majority of accidents

27:26

are sort of involved or caused by

27:29

men. Yeah, there's always been actually there's

27:31

been an argument for women for a really

27:33

long time that you should kind of divide

27:35

insurance. So that like insurance of blokes should

27:37

be, you know, should be just involved blokes.

27:39

And then insurance for women should just involve

27:41

women because we're really safe. And

27:43

I don't cause those crashes. Anyway, one of the

27:45

things she says she can do, Jav, is

27:48

she can drive in three inch heels. I'm

27:50

asking you, can you drive in three inch

27:52

heels? No. But as

27:54

well, the whole premise of the piece, loads

27:57

of people are better at driving than me. I've

28:00

only spent the time being angry. You are the first

28:02

person I've ever heard saying that other people are better

28:04

than me at driving. Like

28:06

Lewis Hamilton. Definitively

28:08

better than driving than me. There's so

28:10

many people out there better at stuff

28:13

than me. If I was enraged every

28:15

time someone was better at something from

28:17

me, male or female, I'd

28:20

just be constantly angry. But then that is the

28:22

Daily Mail. You look at

28:25

the online headline for this. I'm a

28:27

brilliant driver. Better than most of the

28:29

men reading this. And then

28:31

nothing that makes them angrier. And I just

28:34

think there's got to be loads of stuff

28:36

that makes them angrier. And

28:38

anyone who's made remotely angry

28:40

by Samantha Brick's driving talent

28:43

true or false, well,

28:46

you've got bigger problems in your life. So yeah, no,

28:48

I couldn't drive that. I'm very specific about the shoes I drive

28:50

in. They have to be tight. They have to be quite tight.

28:54

If my shoes don't feel like they fit very well, I'll go with it. I

28:56

don't like driving in it. You actually drive. Yeah,

29:00

I've stopped and changed shoes for sure. Yeah,

29:02

I have to be in very specific flavors.

29:04

Do you wear driving gloves? Don't

29:06

wear driving gloves. Just like

29:08

a partridge connection. Kind

29:11

of like all 31-year-old men, I've doubled

29:13

with the idea of going as Ryan

29:15

Gosling from drive. So

29:17

I could see a driving jacket

29:19

and gloves in my future. But

29:21

yeah, no, I'm a fine driver.

29:23

I'm a bad parker. And

29:26

that's fine. I just think I'm okay.

29:28

Well, I'd just like to tell you

29:30

that Samantha Brick's better than you. She

29:32

is. I'm just not remotely angry. Her

29:34

parking's really, really brilliant. Yeah, good. And

29:36

she does it in three-inch heels. And she does it

29:38

in fringe. And

29:42

that's the end of today's paper cuts, thanks to Jaf.

29:45

Thank you very much. Thanks to Alec. Thank

29:47

you. Remember, if you fancy listening to the show with

29:49

no ads and with a special extra story, then why

29:51

not join the Paper Cuts Supporters Club and go

29:53

to back.papercutsshow.com. The link is in

29:55

the show notes. I've been Miranda

29:57

Sawyer and you've been listening to Paper

29:59

Cuts on a day when... when the

30:01

Sun tells us that the makers of

30:03

the Swiss Army Knife are working on

30:05

a new version of the classic tool,

30:08

which won't have a blade. I'd like

30:10

to announce that we're working on a

30:12

new version of Papercuts without the

30:15

paper. See you tomorrow. Papercuts

30:20

was written and presented by Miranda

30:22

Sawyer with Podmasters managing editor Jacob

30:24

Jibis and Alex Keeley. The producer

30:26

was Liam Tate, assistant producer was

30:28

Adam Wright and the audio producer

30:30

was me, Jade Bailey. Music

30:33

is by Simon Williams, socials by

30:35

Kieran Leslie, designed by Jim Parrott

30:37

with original art by Modern Toss.

30:39

The executive producer is Martin Beutosh and

30:42

the group editor is Andrew Harrison.

30:44

Papercuts is a Podmasters production. I

30:51

could drive an F1 car, I didn't say I could drive

30:53

it well. I could

30:57

drive it round the course

31:10

slowly and not crash and burn.

31:13

I could do an F1 race.

31:16

You can beat Serena Williams for one point

31:18

at times, Mr. Rob.