0:00

So I wanted to be the captain , absolutely

0:02

, but I didn't want to be the player on the bench

0:04

. I think in a marriage you

0:07

have to you work together as a team

0:09

, and we did not do that well .

0:11

Welcome back to Parenting 2 Impressed , your

0:13

go-to podcast to learn practical

0:15

ways to love God and love others and

0:18

impress this on the hearts of your children . I

0:20

am your host , heidi Franz , a mom

0:23

who's made a lot of mistakes but has found

0:25

grace and truth along the way

0:27

. We received this anonymous

0:29

post on the ABC Jesus Loves

0:31

Me Facebook group and I think

0:34

that many of you will be able to relate

0:36

to these questions and concerns

0:39

that this mom has . She says

0:41

how do I handle my husband's

0:43

autopilot mode ? In our 10-year

0:45

marriage , we rarely go

0:47

on dates unless I plan them . Is

0:50

it true that men stop dating their

0:52

wives after the wedding ? He

0:54

only makes an effort when

0:57

our marriage is in a problem

0:59

state , then ignores our issues

1:02

when things are smooth . He's

1:04

a good guy , he's intentional

1:06

and active in our church , but he

1:08

doesn't apply this to our marriage . Does

1:10

knowing the Bible mean anything if

1:13

it doesn't change the action ? Every

1:15

time I hear that a Christian woman has

1:18

cheated on her husband , I want

1:20

to know what pushed her and why she

1:22

had an affair . I know

1:24

many face this problem . I'm

1:26

committed , but I'm tired . Rachel

1:29

, when I read this question , I immediately

1:31

thought of you and I reached

1:33

out to you because I knew you had a lot

1:36

of wisdom for this

1:38

woman . Thank you

1:40

for coming onto the podcast and sharing

1:42

about this very hard topic . What

1:45

I want to do , rachel , is just kind of break down

1:47

this question , because

1:49

I know so many are feeling these exact

1:52

same concerns in their

1:54

marriage .

1:55

Absolutely . Thank you for having me . I've

1:57

shared with you personally that if my story

2:00

can help at least one woman , I'm happy to share

2:02

it and share my journey and the

2:04

things that I've learned along the way , so I'm grateful

2:07

that this does help other women today .

2:09

Thank you for your humility

2:11

and desire to do that . Okay , so let's start

2:14

with the first part of this question . This

2:16

woman says that they rarely go on

2:18

dates unless she plans them . Do

2:21

men stop dating wives

2:23

after their wedding ? This

2:26

whole dating thing , it's a big deal to

2:28

women .

2:29

It is a big deal to women and I think that's how

2:31

God made us both different . A man

2:33

wins his date and

2:35

then he marries her and then he wants to provide

2:38

for her and that takes

2:40

a back burner to the actual pursuing

2:42

and I think that if it's

2:44

just a dating issue , that's something you

2:46

talk about and that you can work through .

2:49

Okay , so let's talk about dating . What

2:51

does dating look like in a

2:53

Christian marriage after

2:57

the I-dos ?

2:58

I think that depends on the couple , like what were

3:00

you used to doing before ? What do

3:02

you want to do together ? You need to define

3:04

date to really start the conversation . What

3:07

is a date ? Anything can be a date

3:09

if it's with your spouse . You're going out

3:11

, you're doing things together . It's gonna look different when

3:13

you're first married versus when you have four little

3:15

kids at home , versus maybe even

3:18

when you have one kid at home .

3:19

That's a great , great start Because

3:22

I think as women , we have

3:24

the Hollywood Hallmark

3:26

Channel idea of what dating

3:29

is before and

3:31

after marriage . Our husbands

3:33

cannot fulfill these

3:36

fantasy dreams that we have

3:38

to be pursued and dated

3:41

in a Hollywood manner Absolutely

3:44

.

3:44

Yeah , the pressure on them

3:46

is enormous , I think , in our

3:49

culture today what the expectation

3:51

is , and it's not really fair to

3:53

them .

3:54

Yeah , yeah , I would agree . I

3:56

have said it before my husband is

3:58

not romantic , and

4:01

I would say that if he was sitting right beside me

4:04

, he just isn't . That's not

4:06

his personality , that's

4:09

not in his makeup

4:11

, and so , as a wife , I

4:14

had to decide am

4:16

I going to put these

4:18

expectations on him to be

4:20

somebody that God did not create

4:22

him to be , or am I going to

4:24

let go of

4:26

those unrealistic expectations

4:28

? That doesn't mean that I let go of

4:30

the desire for us to spend

4:33

time together , but I

4:35

need to let go of the expectations

4:37

of what that's going to look like .

4:40

Absolutely , and so part of what she talks

4:42

about is she's the one that plans the dates

4:44

. And my thought process

4:46

if he's willing to go

4:49

and he has a good time with

4:51

you , then plan the dates and do

4:53

it . You know what I'm saying . It doesn't

4:55

have to be so black and

4:57

white . He has to do this . If

4:59

that's what you bring to the table and you have

5:01

an idea of what you want to do and

5:03

he's happy to go , do it , then plan

5:06

it .

5:06

I think there's a lot of freedom in you saying

5:08

that it takes the pressure off

5:11

of the man and allows

5:13

the freedom for the woman to go . Hey

5:15

, how about if we do this , or

5:17

divide and conquer and say I

5:20

want to go on a date with you on Friday

5:22

night , I'll get the childcare ? Can

5:25

you take care of what we're going to do Absolutely

5:27

? Or vice versa , come up

5:29

with ways to be able

5:31

to be a helpmate to your husband

5:33

, right ? One of the things that

5:36

we did when the kids

5:38

were little is Saturday nights

5:40

. We would bake a pan of brownies

5:42

, grab two forks , start

5:45

a movie and we would have

5:48

brownies in a movie , and it was

5:50

so much fun . I love it I can't do

5:52

that anymore , because if I ate that many brownies

5:54

I'm like I was going to say did you eat

5:56

the whole pan of brownies ? Yeah

6:00

, there were nights where more or less

6:02

brownies were eaten , but

6:04

we had fun doing that

6:06

and it was very low cost

6:08

. We enjoyed the time together

6:11

and there wasn't the stress

6:13

of what are we going to do , and

6:15

we also didn't have to worry about

6:17

the issue of childcare , because

6:19

for a lot of families one

6:22

it's very expensive , and then

6:24

finding somebody that you trust

6:26

to leave your children with .

6:28

So one of the things we did when I

6:30

was married was you found a good , solid

6:32

group of friends and you would exchange , and

6:35

that seemed to work well . I feel like

6:37

that's something we did not do well , unfortunately

6:39

, early in our marriage was make time for each

6:41

other and make sure that we were cultivating

6:44

that relationship . When we were first

6:46

married in college , we had a great group

6:48

of friends and we all hung out together

6:50

. We had I mean , we just had a ton of fun together

6:52

. Pre-kids have as much

6:55

fun as you can , but do , do

6:57

, do , understand . They

6:59

can tell you until the cows come home . Having

7:03

children changes things and

7:05

your mindset going into that is going to play

7:07

a huge part in some of these issues

7:09

that we're talking about today .

7:12

OK . So Rachel , I want to hit on the last

7:14

part of her question concerning dating

7:16

. Is it true that men stop dating

7:18

their wives after the wedding ? True or

7:20

false ?

7:21

I do kind of think it's true and I'm not

7:23

saying that it's a good thing . If

7:25

you study about the way men are wired

7:27

, they are wired to

7:30

pursue and win their

7:32

girl , and when they have done

7:34

that , that then transitions

7:36

into a different mindset for them . Then

7:38

it transitions more into how

7:41

how do I provide and take care of this woman

7:43

that I have committed to ? To

7:45

do that , for they are wired to

7:47

work , they are wired to provide

7:50

and so that willing

7:52

that pursuing is

7:54

no longer a priority for them

7:57

. Right or wrong , that

7:59

is how I believe they're

8:01

wired .

8:02

What was the last movie that you

8:04

watched ? That was about

8:07

a married couple dating

8:09

. There aren't a

8:11

lot of them . I mean , we spend

8:13

so much time on

8:15

the focus of dating pre-marriage

8:18

that one . There

8:21

aren't a lot of resources

8:23

available that help

8:26

men continue that . And

8:28

then it's also we are

8:30

not training wives

8:32

, especially young wives

8:34

, to know how to help

8:36

their husbands in this role

8:39

.

8:39

And just speaking from personal experience , this

8:41

didn't really come to a head for me or for

8:44

us in our relationship . I didn't think until

8:46

we had children , and that's why I was so adamant

8:49

about understanding even

8:51

though you can be told , and I was told

8:53

, kids change things Right

8:55

. But when we first got together

8:58

, when we were first married , like I said

9:00

in college , we had a ton of fun . We

9:02

had about seven years before we had our

9:04

son . We didn't go separate ways

9:07

but we lived our lives kind

9:10

of parallel , if you will Like

9:12

. I had my job , I had

9:14

my career , my coaching

9:16

, he had his . Of course

9:19

we were together every night , we talked about

9:21

things that were going on in our lives . But what

9:23

changed for me so much when

9:25

we had our children ? My world is completely

9:27

different , completely different

9:30

, and his didn't change

9:32

much . I think this is where a lot

9:34

of women can get that

9:36

feeling of I'm not feeling pursued

9:39

and I'm not being dated because

9:41

they're at home all day with the kids and

9:44

they don't have an outlet and

9:46

so in their world they need that

9:48

outlet with their husband . It's not

9:50

just a want or a wish , that

9:53

is something I believe God has designed us

9:55

. We need that and you

9:58

can get some of that with your close friends

10:00

absolutely , but there is a portion

10:02

of that that can only come from your husband

10:04

and we didn't do that

10:06

well .

10:07

So I guess just kind of wrap up

10:09

this idea about

10:12

dating . I

10:14

think we need to look at what

10:16

are our expectations and

10:18

have we spoken those expectations

10:21

to our husbands ? And

10:23

then are we coming

10:25

alongside our husbands to

10:27

help us in our marriage

10:30

be able to have time together ?

10:32

So part of my story , heidi , and I know that

10:34

you know this , but just for listeners . My

10:36

marriage did end in divorce and

10:38

there are some things today that

10:40

I think I could share with some of these women

10:43

. You have got to voice

10:45

your needs and wants and desires

10:47

. Early on I was very much a peacekeeper

10:50

, not a peacemaker . Peacekeepers

10:52

don't want to ruffle feathers . We don't

10:54

want to put anything on anyone

10:56

else . We want to take care of everything , make

10:58

sure everyone's taken care of . That wasn't

11:01

fair to him and that wasn't fair to

11:03

me , because I didn't speak my needs , I

11:05

didn't ask for them . He's not

11:07

a mind reader . He couldn't know

11:10

what I was experiencing at home when he's

11:12

gone all day . That's not fair

11:14

to expect him to know what I need

11:16

and what out of our relationship . And so for

11:18

women listening , I would say talk

11:21

about this continually . Sounds kind

11:23

of cliche , but are you having weekly

11:25

meetings with your husband about how things are

11:27

going ? I hate the

11:29

idea of scheduling time with your

11:31

husband , but is there a check-in

11:34

point in the week where ? How are

11:36

we , how are you , how are the kids

11:38

or whoever's in your family at the time

11:40

and what you need to talk about ? But I

11:43

think that would have been one thing that would have been huge for

11:45

our marriage . So I just want to encourage women

11:47

if that's not a practice in your relationship

11:50

, make it one and start voicing

11:52

what you need , so that you don't put

11:54

the pressure on him to try and read your mind

11:56

.

11:58

As a family , we sometimes watch some

12:00

Hallmark movies , and one

12:02

of the things that we talk about in

12:04

joking is that these

12:07

guys who are pursuing

12:10

these women and

12:12

they have all the wonderful

12:14

date ideas notice that they rarely

12:17

ever go to work . Right

12:19

, you know ? That's so true . We

12:21

expect our husbands , who

12:23

have full-time jobs , to

12:26

be able to have

12:28

all these fun ideas , great

12:30

ideas , exciting ideas , wooing

12:33

ideas , and yet he's

12:36

working 40 plus hours . And

12:38

when he's at work , he thinks about work , and

12:41

yet we want them to be continually

12:44

thinking about us . Or do

12:46

we think we want them to

12:48

? Because really we do want them

12:50

to have those jobs . Really we do want

12:53

them to be focusing on work . Again

12:55

, I think it comes back to that honest communication

12:58

and realistic expectations .

13:00

The other thing I want to say here , heidi , is

13:02

because we've talked a lot about not putting

13:05

the pressure on the husband . However , it

13:07

is different if

13:09

you have voiced your concerns on

13:12

a weekly basis , and I

13:14

need this and I would like this , and we're

13:16

going to get into this in a little bit but I think

13:18

if you find yourself in a position

13:20

where you say , hey look , I have tried

13:22

this , because I did feel like this

13:24

at one point in my marriage , I have tried

13:26

, I have tried , I have tried , I have tried

13:29

. What do you do then ?

13:31

Which is the perfect segue into

13:33

the second part of this anonymous

13:35

question that we received . She said

13:37

he's a good guy , he's intentional

13:39

and active in our church , but he doesn't

13:42

apply this to our marriage . I mean

13:44

, rachel , that's exactly what you have just talked

13:46

about . You have a good guy , but

13:49

yet it feels like it's

13:51

just not working

13:53

. You're talking , you're being honest . What

13:56

is a wife to do in that circumstance

13:58

?

13:59

If this is an issue , then

14:01

you have to bring an intervention . And

14:03

I'll tell you from my personal experience

14:05

, it was like we could never get on the same page

14:08

. I would voice my concern and want an

14:10

intervention , and he was like no , we're

14:12

good . Or vice versa , he would say

14:14

, hey , let's , and I would be like , no , I'm

14:16

, I'm good . And we were both

14:18

incredibly sinful people

14:21

. We all are and

14:23

one of the statements I learned in counseling

14:25

that I have shared with a

14:28

lot of people that I think is really impactful

14:30

as you're walking through marriage sin

14:32

causes death . So one of the things

14:35

I didn't do well at different

14:37

times in our marriage was when he voiced

14:39

his concerns , I would , I would shut them down

14:41

and I I know that that sin

14:43

on my part was causing death in

14:46

him and vice versa . There

14:48

were times when I would come to him and say

14:50

, hey , here's what I think we need

14:52

, and he would shut it down and our

14:55

sin just kept

14:57

compounding , if you will . It's

14:59

like once you treat someone poorly

15:01

, then the

15:03

next time you go to the next level of poorly

15:05

. You know what I mean . And so ours

15:08

got pretty bad . Just to not sugarcoat it

15:10

, Ours got really bad . And I looking back

15:12

and through counseling

15:14

and and hours in prayer

15:16

, it takes two hearts to come

15:18

to the table and want to work on this , and

15:20

so , women , we have to do

15:23

our part Bye . If

15:25

your husband won't come to the table , you

15:28

can't control him , and so you're

15:30

gonna have to choose what you focus on at

15:32

that point .

15:34

Right , oh , I appreciate

15:36

your honesty in that . But

15:38

how true that

15:41

our pride can get in the

15:43

way and shut

15:45

down any steps our husbands

15:47

are trying to take , and vice versa

15:49

.

15:50

Absolutely , because you

15:52

hear the saying and I don't like the saying , heidi

15:54

, because it is a cultural saying . But

15:56

, like you , really only can take so much

15:59

you know what I mean Before you do shut down

16:01

. You just don't wanna put yourself out there to get

16:03

hurt anymore and that's a very

16:05

normal thing . But we

16:07

have to fight against that , especially for

16:09

this person that we stood at the altar with

16:11

and said I promise to do these

16:13

things for you .

16:15

So that leads to the next part

16:17

of her honest

16:19

post Christian

16:21

women cheating on their husbands . What

16:24

pushes them to this level

16:26

? Why do they have affairs ?

16:28

The reason I don't think that this post was

16:30

strictly a dating issue

16:33

is because of this comment right here

16:35

. Having walked through the journey that I've walked

16:37

through , this is a cry for help

16:40

and she is wanting

16:42

her husband to notice her

16:44

, her husband to help her . It could

16:47

be a case of she

16:49

needs a teammate , she

16:51

needs a best friend , and that person

16:54

is supposed to be her husband . She

16:56

asked about this cheating , especially

16:58

in Christian circles . I

17:00

would say it is time for a major intervention

17:02

. She has got to get into some

17:04

good biblical counseling . The grass

17:07

looks greener on the other side , and it's

17:09

not . It's not . You

17:12

read those posts . Being married is hard

17:14

, being divorced is hard . I will tell you , having

17:16

lived on both sides of it they're both

17:18

hard . Which hard do you want to work through

17:20

?

17:22

Oh , I love that . Which hard do you want to work through

17:24

? If I have a friend who comes up

17:26

to me and says I

17:28

am even thinking

17:31

about cheating on my husband

17:33

, what do I do ? How do

17:35

I help this friend ?

17:37

I'm very proud of this

17:39

woman . If you will Like , she even put

17:42

this out there . If this is where she's at

17:44

and she is asking the

17:46

question , that's why I

17:48

firmly believe she wants help

17:51

at this point and , as

17:53

a woman who's walked through this , get

17:55

the help before it gets

17:58

too late , becomes too late as

18:01

her support system . I

18:03

think there will be other

18:06

signs along the way about how

18:08

unhappy she is in the marriage . This

18:10

is something that I voiced

18:12

regularly . I

18:14

mean talking to family

18:17

and support system . After

18:19

we were going through our divorce , they

18:22

said I remember you talking about

18:24

and they didn't know

18:26

, heidi , nobody knows . Nobody

18:28

knows what goes on behind closed doors . And my husband

18:31

wasn't a bad person , not a bad person at

18:33

all . We got incredibly

18:35

sinful to each other . We

18:37

didn't know , we didn't get the resources

18:39

. I honestly don't know what to pinpoint

18:41

it to , other than that sin

18:44

caused death in us and we didn't know how

18:46

to recover it .

18:47

I think there's a stigma on Christian

18:49

marriages . Well , of

18:51

course you're having trouble . All marriage is hard

18:54

. Pray about it , be strong

18:56

, keep going , fight through it

18:58

, and we don't really take each

19:00

other seriously . When somebody

19:03

would walk up to us and say , man , I'm struggling

19:05

Absolutely . And when

19:07

somebody waves that flag

19:10

, as women we need to

19:13

be a safe place

19:15

, not of judgment

19:17

, not of assuming , but

19:20

say I am here

19:23

, how can I love you and support you ?

19:25

Yeah . So one of the most hurtful things it's

19:27

kind of an , maybe an oxymoron

19:30

for those listening One of the most hurtful

19:32

things you can say is you need

19:34

to pray about it more or you need to trust the

19:36

Lord more , because if this woman is

19:38

a believer , she has poured

19:40

her heart out to the Lord continually

19:43

and nothing is changing

19:45

and that's why it is at

19:47

the point that she is sharing her story with you

19:49

. So if someone trusts you enough

19:51

to share their story with you , for one

19:53

, praise God that you have such a friendship

19:56

, because she would not pour her heart out to you

19:58

. And two

20:00

, that's why I encouraged women earlier

20:03

in the podcast . You have to voice

20:05

these early because I will tell you . By

20:07

the time I got to the point of voicing

20:10

some things , the counselor

20:12

explained it to me . It was like things

20:15

had gotten so bad , like ripple waves

20:17

, like if you take a wave and it goes out that

20:19

it was almost too far and too bad to

20:21

try and bring back . And that's

20:23

why I think in any situation

20:25

in life really , but especially in your marriage

20:28

and what we're talking about today , the

20:30

earlier you communicate this , the earlier

20:32

you have things in place that allow

20:34

for that open communication , the

20:37

easier it is to prevent or

20:39

to get on top of . Don't be the

20:41

peacekeeper . You don't need to be the peacekeeper

20:43

. You can be a peacemaker . You

20:46

can have hard conversations , but

20:48

it's not your job to hide your feelings

20:50

, to hide your needs , to hide

20:52

your wants and desires from the person that's your

20:55

biggest fan and your biggest supporter

20:57

.

20:58

So what would you say ? Rachel would

21:00

be the one thing that you go . If

21:03

this is occurring , seek

21:06

biblical counsel , don't

21:08

wait .

21:09

If you feel like your husband

21:11

is not receptive

21:13

, if you feel like you

21:15

have tried everything you can try , you

21:17

don't know what else to do . You

21:20

need to be in counseling . You

21:22

need to be able to share your story with

21:24

someone and get someone that has

21:26

the wisdom to

21:28

say to you you're

21:31

wrong . I had counselors tell

21:33

me that you're wrong . That's not fair to him

21:35

. Or to say

21:37

, hey , will he come in here with you , Will

21:40

he sit down with us ? Will

21:42

he go to counseling on his own and

21:44

work on this Again . If he

21:46

won't come to the table , the only

21:48

thing you can focus on is you . If

21:51

he'll come to the table , then you can start repairing

21:53

the relationship . If

21:57

you're in the counseling , then they can help you walk through what to do

21:59

. Then , if he's not going to come to

22:01

the table , you need good biblical counseling . This

22:06

is a resource that I wish I had found 10 years earlier in

22:08

my marriage . It's called Marriage Recovery Center

22:11

and if anyone out there is struggling today

22:13

, I would encourage them just to go to the website

22:15

and check it out . Biblical

22:17

based . They understand

22:20

a woman's perspective , they understand a man's

22:22

perspective and they're very good at bringing both

22:24

people to the table . We'll

22:26

put a link to that in the show notes .

22:30

Another one that I would suggest is re-engage . Our

22:33

church has that program , as

22:36

you're talking about a counselor , somebody

22:39

who's going to love you enough to go . You own

22:42

this and

22:45

this you don't . Right , because

22:48

there are always two sides

22:50

. There are always things that I

22:52

bring to my marriage that

22:54

is not loving

22:56

. There are always things that

22:59

are going to happen to me that

23:01

my husband was not loving

23:03

, and so we have to be able

23:05

to accept what we own , and

23:08

that's our responsibility . I

23:11

am not responsible for my husband , he's

23:13

not responsible for me and

23:16

to have a counselor be able to show you both sides

23:18

of that .

23:20

Absolutely , and one of the things that was really

23:22

freeing for me as a peacekeeper was

23:25

for one of the counselors to say to me

23:27

you have got to stand up for yourself

23:30

, you have got to voice your

23:32

needs and wants and desires . That's not fair

23:34

and the home I grew up in you just

23:36

didn't do that . As we evolve and

23:38

grow , those are things that we

23:40

learn . I wish I had known that when

23:43

I first got married . I wish I had so

23:45

many of these things in place . That's not the story God

23:47

has written for my life , and if this

23:49

helps someone else , praise .

23:51

God . I think it's easy in our marriage

23:53

to fixate on

23:55

one aspect he won't

23:57

lead , he won't date

23:59

, he won't help around

24:02

the house . We take

24:04

everything that happens in our marriage

24:07

and throw it into one massive

24:09

bonfire when

24:11

, when we back up , we

24:14

realize that there were a lot

24:16

of little fires going on in our

24:18

marriage . A wise

24:21

biblical counselor can help us

24:23

start focusing on the individual

24:25

fires instead

24:28

of what we think is one huge fire . Because

24:32

if our husband doesn't lead or our husband

24:34

doesn't date us , or our husband

24:36

doesn't help around the house , just

24:39

having them do the one

24:41

thing isn't actually

24:43

going to fix the marriage . The

24:46

marriage is so much bigger

24:48

than he just won't pick

24:50

up his close . He

24:52

just won't take me on a date . So

24:55

we have to understand what

24:58

a marriage truly is

25:00

and step back

25:02

from the fairy tale we're wanting

25:04

to live .

25:06

I'm a sports person and my view

25:08

of marriage would take a different

25:10

approach in my mind , more of

25:12

a team approach . I

25:14

don't think I was a great teammate . I

25:17

think I liked to control a lot

25:19

of things , so I wanted to be

25:21

the captain , absolutely , but I

25:23

didn't want to be the player on the bench . I

25:26

think in a marriage , you have to

25:28

work together as a team and

25:30

we did not do that well . And I

25:32

think if we can take , like you said , take

25:34

away all the preconceived

25:37

notions about what marriage is really going to be

25:39

, it's really two people

25:41

working together to serve the Lord and

25:44

to bring honor and glory to him

25:46

. And honestly , heidi , who cares about

25:48

the rest of it ? I look back and think

25:51

, why did I care so much ? I

25:53

wanted a clean house , great , and he didn't

25:55

help me . Okay , fine , and I

25:58

wasn't that picky all the time , but I had particular

26:00

ways . I wanted things done , and to

26:03

me now it seems so silly . On the other side

26:05

of it , I want for a marriage

26:07

to be two people working together Like

26:10

, hey , what do you need from me today ? What can

26:12

I do for you ? What do we need to do for

26:14

the kids ? How are we going to conquer this

26:16

thing together to bring honor and glory

26:18

to the Lord .

26:19

And I think that's what God's desire is , as

26:22

helpmates coming together

26:24

for one purpose . And

26:28

if there's one word that can get women

26:31

, especially in the 21st century

26:33

, all uptight , it's the word submit . Oh

26:35

my yep . And

26:38

they immediately start

26:40

bowing up Like how

26:42

dare you tell me to submit ? But

26:45

when we truly look at what God created

26:48

, submitting is a

26:50

beautiful , beautiful

26:53

opportunity for us

26:55

to come under our husband's

26:58

leadership and

27:00

walk alongside of him . It's

27:03

like he's holding the umbrella and

27:05

I'm getting to be underneath that umbrella

27:08

. But what do we do

27:10

when we're continually

27:12

saying well , my husband won't hold the umbrella

27:15

. And I think it's twofold

27:17

. Sometimes it's because

27:19

we're fighting for the umbrella

27:22

hold . I said that's in Genesis

27:24

, right , Exactly Genesis

27:26

three , the curse . And so we're

27:28

fighting for the hold , we're fighting

27:31

to take over , because we think we know

27:33

better , but yet we want

27:35

him to lead . And so we're mad

27:37

that he's not leading , but yet we're fighting

27:39

for control because he's not leading the way

27:41

we want him to . And so it's just this continual

27:44

snowball effect , and

27:46

because of pride on

27:48

both sides , because of apathy

27:51

on both sides , we

27:53

end up with a very

27:55

broken relationship

27:58

in need of a savior , absolutely

28:01

.

28:02

You want to be completely honest , heidi . I lost complete

28:04

hope for my marriage and

28:07

that's a really hard place to be . You

28:09

want to believe that your marriage can be restored

28:12

, that it can be redeemed . I'm

28:14

praying for any women out there today

28:16

that might feel hopeless

28:18

in their marriage . Get to your Christian

28:21

counselor , talk it through , don't

28:23

let it snowball .

28:25

God can redeem , god does redeem

28:27

, but he will not everyone

28:29

, and I don't understand

28:31

that , I think , your honesty right

28:34

now , rachel , has probably

28:37

put a lot of women into

28:40

tears because

28:42

they have been there , they

28:45

are there or they know

28:47

people who are going through

28:50

the pain of

28:52

a marriage that is broken

28:54

. This writer of the anonymous

28:56

post says I'm committed , but

28:59

I'm tired .

29:03

I could have written this post-Hidy I

29:05

remember being there , I

29:07

remember being . I

29:09

love this man . I know he's a good

29:11

man , but I can't keep

29:13

doing it this way .

29:15

This is a hard topic . I know

29:17

this is a very hard topic

29:19

because we all

29:22

know in

29:24

the bottom of our soul

29:27

that God desires

29:30

our marriage to stay together . We

29:33

know that when we stand

29:35

in front of our spouse

29:38

on our wedding day , we are making

29:40

a commitment to our spouse , but we're also

29:42

making a commitment to God , and we know

29:44

that . But the reality

29:47

is we are all sinners and

29:50

that sin makes

29:52

marriage very hard . I also

29:54

believe that Christians

29:57

have an extra target on their back

29:59

because Satan knows

30:01

that if he can destroy a Christian

30:03

marriage , he is going

30:06

to affect a lot of

30:08

people .

30:09

Well , he can go back and say , hey

30:12

, lord , look , this is supposed to be a

30:14

picture of you and

30:16

your church and it's not there

30:18

. And he loves that . He absolutely

30:20

loves that . One of the things

30:23

that you just said that I wanted to

30:26

piggyback on is of course

30:28

God wants our marriage to stay together

30:30

. Of course he wants that , but he

30:32

loves the woman and

30:35

the man in the marriage

30:37

. In my opinion

30:39

, based on my number of hours of

30:41

counseling , he loves you more

30:44

than the marriage . I think

30:46

we have made an idol

30:49

of marriage somewhat and we

30:51

forget to take care of the

30:53

people in it . So of course

30:55

we want to have the goal for the marriage to stay together , absolutely

30:58

, but we have got to take care

31:00

of the two people in the marriage . You can't just

31:02

say you got to stick it out , you

31:05

got to stick it out . Of course we want to stick it

31:07

out , of course we want to stay together

31:09

in the marriage , but we've got

31:11

to come alongside both of the people and

31:13

love them and that they're not just

31:15

hearing you have to stay miserable , you

31:17

have to stay miserable , I was

31:19

miserable , I was hopeless

31:22

, and we have to do something

31:24

better in the church to

31:26

love people well , through this .

31:28

And I think that's why this podcast

31:31

is so incredibly important , because

31:33

what we're saying to

31:36

these women and husbands

31:38

who are listening as well

31:40

before

31:43

you get to that point , get some

31:45

help , Absolutely . Before

31:48

you get to that point , talk

31:51

to a wise biblical

31:54

counselor who can

31:56

help you see what you own

31:59

and for you to go honestly

32:01

to the throne of God and say

32:03

, Lord , help me

32:06

, drop the pride .

32:08

and for you to love your husband

32:10

well before it ever gets

32:13

to this point where you are miserable

32:15

and without hope and for me , that

32:17

dropping of pride centered around

32:20

being in a family where you weren't supposed

32:22

to have marriage trouble . It

32:24

centered around being in a community where

32:27

you just don't have marriage problems

32:30

. We were the picture of

32:32

an all-American family and

32:35

that's really hard and humbling

32:37

to come

32:39

out and say we're not waiting

32:42

to help .

32:44

Yeah , this is an example of

32:47

making beauty for mashes , something

32:51

that has been so incredibly painful

32:53

for you , rachel , and you

32:55

have come humbly to

32:59

share your story , to

33:02

encourage women to

33:04

be honest with their spouses

33:06

, to get the help that

33:08

they need , before it

33:11

has spiraled , to see that

33:13

God has not forgotten you

33:15

. You are seen , you

33:17

are heard . God's

33:20

not done with you .

33:21

I love that and I would pray that for

33:23

every woman that's listening . God is continually

33:26

writing our stories and we continually

33:28

have hope because of Him . Thank

33:31

you , Thank you .

33:35

We want to thank you for listening to the Parenting

33:37

to Impress podcast . Be sure

33:40

to visit abcjusaslesminecom

33:42

and check out the show notes for more information

33:44

on topics shared in this episode . Please

33:46

subscribe and share with your friends .