The term "trauma bonding" was originally coined by Patrick Carnes,  who was a proponent of the concept of sex addiction.  He originally developed the term to describe "the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person." A simpler and more encompassing definition is that traumatic bonding is: "a strong emotional attachment between an abused person and his or her abuser, formed as a result of the cycle of violence."

 Problematically, the term is often misapplied to survivors rather than focusing on perpetrators and their choices and tactics. In this episode Ruth and David discuss 4 ways the concept works against survivors: 

• Problem #1: It deemphasizes or ignores  perpetrators' behaviors that keep survivors trapped in an abusive situation.
• Problem #2:  It blames victims for  the  failure of friends, family, professionals, and faith leaders failure to hold  perpetrators accountable for their actions.
• Problem 3: It focuses professionals on the survivor, not the perpetrator.
• Problem 4: It lets systems  and professionals off the hook for how they are not responding well to survivors and perpetrators

David and Ruth also explore the connections between the concept of trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome, co-dependency and learned helplessness.  They also examine the differential impact of this term on  poor and indigenous women, women of color, and trans survivors.

Toward the end of the show David and Ruth talk about how the Safe & Together Institute's approach offers professionals alternative approaches to working with survivors including: 

• Making sure that any discussion of trauma is contextualize to the perpetrator's pattern
  
  
• Actively seeking to understand behaviors of resistance and protection for self and others 
  
  
• Working to ensure that the response that a survivor gets for disclosure is a positive experience (validation, partnership and consequences for the perpetrator) 
  
  
• Respecting survivors unique needs
  
  
• Using tools like the Ally Guide to communicate to professional and kin
  
  
• Training professionals to recognize  a) the patterns of manipulation by perpetrators, b) and b) their vulnerabilities to manipulation 

Listen to other related episodes:

Episode 2: Victim blaming
Episode 3: Language and professional terms which cover up realities of abuse

Check out related ecourses on our Virtual Academy

Now available! Mapping the Perpetrator’s Pattern: A Practitioner’s Tool for Improving Assessment, Intervention, and Outcomes The web-based Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool is a virtual practice tool for improving assessment, intervention, and outcomes through a perpetrator pattern-based approach. The tool allows practitioners to apply the Model’s critical concepts and principles to their current case load in real

Check out David Mandel's new book "Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers: How to transform the way we keep children safe from domestic violence."