0:00

Hi, welcome back

0:02

to the Personality

0:05

Hacker Podcast. My name is Joel Mark

0:07

Witt. I'm Antonia Dodge. We

0:09

are nearing the end of our series, 16 part

0:12

series, talking about all of the

0:15

Myers-Briggs personality types, how

0:17

they can show themselves love. In

0:19

this episode this week, we

0:21

have arrived at the

0:24

ESFJ personality type. We're

0:26

going to talk about, if you're an ESFJ, there's

0:28

going to be a great episode for you because you're going

0:31

to learn a lot about your type and we're going to

0:33

go into a lot of detail around this with the lens

0:35

or the framework of how do you show yourself love as

0:37

an ESFJ. If you're not an ESFJ

0:39

but you have an ESFJ in your life or you just want to know

0:42

more about this type, I think you're going to learn a lot as well

0:44

today. At the end of the

0:46

episode, like we've been doing on this series, we're

0:48

also going to give everyone, all the other 15

0:50

types, a takeaway, something

0:52

you can learn from ESFJ's self-love that

0:54

you can apply in your own life.

0:57

Stay tuned for that near the end of the

0:59

episode. Like

1:02

you said, this has been a series and we're almost

1:04

to the end. I think we're like three away from

1:06

the very end. This has been a long series. 16

1:09

weeks. No, 17. I

1:12

guess, yes. It has been a long series because

1:14

there are 16 types. I think there was a lot

1:18

that went into this series. We

1:21

did quite a bit of research. We did

1:23

quite a bit of making sure our notes

1:25

were all in order. It's been a few

1:27

months. This has been a lot. When

1:32

we chose personality types as

1:35

an ENTP and ENFP, Sisyphus

1:38

was laughing somewhere in the

1:40

outer reaches of something going,

1:42

aha. We thought, oh, that's, but every

1:44

time you do one thing, you have

1:46

to replicate it 16 times or 15 more times.

1:50

Every day the boulder rolls down the hill and a new

1:52

type gets slapped on it. Right? That's the

1:54

Sisyphus conundrum. It's like the meaning of pushing

1:56

the boulder up the hill every day, knowing it

1:59

will inevitably roll back. It's just every

2:01

day has a different type that's

2:03

been carved into the rock, and

2:05

we're pushing up the hill. So

2:07

let's set some frameworks here for this. We have an approach.

2:09

Not to say that this is a bad thing, by the

2:12

way. No. No, I just want to make it clear. It's

2:14

not like we're at ESFJ and we're like, man, this has

2:16

been grueling. Okay, I guess we're going this type. The reason

2:18

it's relevant is both of our personality types are

2:21

not equipped for that like on paper. Like

2:23

if you went from a type theory standpoint,

2:26

most people would not put their bet on the

2:28

two of us being able to do that over

2:30

and over again and keep landing that in a

2:32

consistent fashion. That's typically not known for our personality

2:34

types, so that's why it was relevant for me

2:36

to bring up. Well, and I

2:39

think we do a lot of patting ourselves on

2:41

the back for being consistent. I think we do

2:43

a lot of like that, right? Totally. Unashamed of

2:45

it, too. And that said, I

2:47

will say this. All of that wasn't to say

2:49

this has been grueling and I'm glad we're almost

2:51

done. I will say all

2:53

of that said, I can't believe

2:56

we're finally at the end because it's been a bit of

2:58

a lift. And now

3:00

we're at ESFJ, which is actually one

3:02

of my favorite types. It was my

3:04

sister's personality type, my nephew's personality type.

3:07

I actually get along with ESFJs very well.

3:09

So to bring it back to

3:11

the relevance of this particular episode, I'm very excited about

3:13

that. Okay, I got to jump track one more thing,

3:15

though. We're not at the end. I know. We're doing

3:18

the ENP thing of like we're almost to the end

3:20

and you said we're at the end, so just the

3:22

five-yard line. Five-yard line. I can see it. Close to

3:24

the end. I can see the five – yeah, I

3:26

can see the end. I can see the goal. We're

3:29

almost there. We didn't do a lot

3:31

of nonsense talk before we started recording, so I'm weaving it

3:33

into the beginning I suppose here of the actual episode itself

3:35

because usually I burn all this out before we start. That's

3:37

true. Let's get back to ESFJ, though.

3:39

Let's talk about the framework again because if you're in

3:41

ESFJ, I would

3:44

say ESFJs are probably one of the personality types

3:46

in Myers-Briggs. This idea of

3:48

self-love is an instinct, but I think there is

3:50

– I think a lot of

3:52

ESFJs report – I feel

3:54

like I'm doing a lot of love for other people and I'm

3:56

sending love out, but I will say if I really am honest

3:59

with them, I'm going to do it. I think an ESFJ would

4:01

say to themselves, yeah, I probably struggle

4:03

with self-love. I probably have a hard time

4:07

tuning to my needs and making sure I'm okay and

4:09

getting the things that I need. And sometimes I don't

4:11

always feel like I have permission to

4:13

love myself. And I think that's really the – the

4:16

meta-frame is we have the philosophy that love

4:18

is freely given and we're always giving it

4:20

without condition, just like if in

4:22

a relationship. And Tony, you and I are in a

4:25

parabond relationship. We work together. We're

4:27

also romantic partners and married. We're

4:30

married. We

4:32

actually have a – we even have paperwork to show for

4:34

it. We have the whole thing. So we're

4:36

in a relationship, and my love and

4:38

your love to me is given freely. If

4:41

I put conditions on that love, I'll

4:43

love you if you put the toothpaste cap on

4:45

the toothpaste or fill in whatever parameter I

4:47

have. That's not really

4:49

love. That's conditional love. We're talking about unconditional

4:52

love that we send to a partner. Now,

4:56

just like that's unconditional, there

4:58

are parameters for the relationship

5:00

itself. And ESFJs know this,

5:02

right? Relationships are not all

5:04

created equal. You and I have a good relationship.

5:07

Every time I attempt to send you love, it's

5:11

usually well-received. Sometimes it's on a channel and you're

5:13

like, what? And it doesn't work, right? Because I

5:15

think all of our signals back and forth are

5:17

attempts to say, do you love me? And the

5:19

other person is saying, yes, I love you through behavior and

5:21

words and the things we do and say to each other

5:23

and who we behave. So even

5:26

though we're trying to attempt to send love, that can

5:28

be disrupted by a problem in the relationship itself. So

5:31

we understand this with other people. We'll

5:33

now just apply that to ourselves. We

5:36

are trying to send ourselves love without condition all the

5:38

time, but just

5:40

like with a relationship with another person, we can have

5:42

a messed up relationship with ourself. So

5:45

the signals are messed up. We're not hearing it.

5:47

We're not hearing our self-love

5:49

that we're trying to send to ourselves. So

5:51

today we're going to talk about, well, how do

5:53

we get that in proper order? What is the

5:55

relationship with ourselves that would be

5:58

in good standing for us to send that love back and forth? Yeah,

6:00

one of the ways we've been saying it in

6:02

the other episodes is that we're always trying to

6:05

send ourselves love, but

6:07

we're not always receiving that

6:09

love. And so a matter

6:11

of experiencing self-love is

6:13

removing obstructions, removing anything that's

6:16

making that channel not clear. And

6:18

so we can both give ourselves love, which

6:21

we're trying to do all the time, and we can also

6:23

receive it. And

6:25

when you were talking about love being

6:27

unconditional, I think some people push

6:29

back on that. They think love is conditional.

6:32

But I think that's the reason why

6:34

we've been saying – we've been phrasing it

6:36

the way we have been, which is it's

6:38

not earned. We can't earn love

6:40

from each other by putting

6:44

those conditions on, but

6:46

we can earn a good relationship. And

6:50

we've mentioned the example of if you

6:52

end up separating from somebody, you're in

6:55

a good – or not good relationship,

6:57

but you're in maybe

6:59

a partnership, like a love partnership.

7:02

And the two of you

7:04

decide this isn't working out, and

7:07

so you complete the

7:09

relationship. Even if

7:11

it was a dirty sort

7:13

of battle, even if it was really a

7:15

bad breakup, usually we're still

7:18

– even without our

7:20

own consent sometimes, sending that person love, we still

7:22

love them. We still have a heart for them.

7:25

But over time, if we're not in

7:27

constant relationship with them or if we're

7:29

not in constant daily interaction, over time

7:32

eventually our heart catches up to the logistics. We

7:37

might not be sending so much love their direction. We might not be thinking

7:39

about them so much. But even

7:41

then, at the end of people's lives, usually they

7:43

look back and they see significant relationships, and they're

7:45

like, yeah, no, I still love that person. So

7:48

when we say it's unconditional, when we say

7:50

it's not earned, we're really saying it's not

7:52

a choice. I guess that's

7:54

maybe the closest. It's like when we love somebody,

7:57

we can't choose it. We just love them. It's

7:59

happening. But when

8:02

we develop a good relationship, what we do is

8:04

we foster the conditions or create conditions where that

8:06

love can flourish, where it can be more than

8:08

just a feeling that's sent. It

8:11

can be like a generative thing. And I think

8:13

people who have ESFJ preferences understand

8:15

these interpersonal dynamics maybe sometimes

8:17

better than anybody. It's

8:19

just that reframe of going, okay, so that

8:21

thing you understand about relationships between two people, like

8:24

you mentioned, Joel, now you've got to take those

8:26

same principles and apply them to the self. And

8:29

so how does one develop a good

8:31

relationship with oneself? You earn it.

8:34

You earn it by treating yourself well. And

8:37

I think that that's important.

8:39

And then the final piece that we've been

8:41

– or track we've been laying in this

8:43

series is one of the

8:45

ways that we clear those signals or

8:47

remove obstructions to receiving wealth from

8:50

– that we're sending to ourselves

8:52

from ourselves is

8:55

setting appropriate expectations. We

8:58

have a tendency, I think,

9:00

to set very uncalibrated expectations

9:02

for ourselves. And I

9:05

think it's because nobody really teaches us how

9:07

to set mature

9:10

expectations. And if

9:12

we expect too much from ourselves

9:14

in areas that we're just not

9:16

prewired to show up in, then

9:19

we face a sense of demoralization. Like we

9:22

keep trying and trying, but we just never quite

9:24

get there. But at the same

9:26

time, if we set too low of expectations

9:28

for ourselves and we know we could

9:30

be doing more and we know we could be getting more

9:32

performance out of ourselves, then we're

9:34

sort of disappointed. We're disappointed in

9:36

the fact that we didn't push ourselves further or

9:38

see what we're made of. Yeah,

9:41

one way to see that is if

9:43

I have the expectation at

9:46

my age and station of life with

9:49

the physical body that I've been given that I'm

9:51

going to be a linebacker in

9:53

football, like a football team, I'm

9:55

going to be disappointed by that expectation. It

9:58

doesn't matter how much I believe it or wish it. If

10:00

I expect that, I'm probably disappointed. But

10:03

if I expect myself to be creative and be

10:05

able to perform and maybe speak

10:07

ex-temporaneously or help organize a

10:09

room for an experience, that's

10:12

something I actually am good at. So if I'm not

10:14

rising that expectation, I might feel a little diminished and

10:16

like, well, I could do that. I have capacity for

10:18

that. Maybe not a linebacker in the NFL, but

10:21

I could help lead a meeting or a group. It's

10:24

also really what we're equipped with aptitude

10:26

and focus and ability, and

10:28

that's where personality type enters.

10:30

ESFJ preferences tell you what

10:33

you're attuned to. There's going to be things that

10:35

if you have expectations for, you're going to be

10:38

– you're going to really erode your ability for self-love

10:40

because you're going to feel like you're falling short all the

10:42

time. But if you put yourself on

10:44

good footing and you can rise to the expectations that are

10:46

proper for you and what you're attuned to as an ESFJ,

10:48

well, now you're going to feel good about yourself. Trust,

10:51

self-love, all those things coming to you.

10:54

So when we look at ESFJ, we need

10:57

to go one layer deeper as well. So

10:59

ESFJ is where most people start. ESFJ, that

11:01

speaks to extrovert, censor, feeler,

11:03

judger. Those are the words that those letters

11:05

point to. But really what

11:07

those four letters point to is the cognitive

11:10

functions of your mind as an ESFJ. This

11:12

is how your mind is learning information. These are

11:14

the functions that are working in your brain to

11:16

learn information or perceive your world or

11:19

to evaluate that information or decide upon it of what

11:21

to do about it. And so

11:23

that can be complex. We've talked to

11:26

a lot of people. We've been doing this for a long time, and sometimes

11:28

it's like, wow, that's – it's hard to

11:30

grasp it for especially if you're new. So what we've done

11:32

in the programs we've developed for

11:34

all the personality types, we've created a program for each one. There's

11:36

one for ESFJ. It's called the ESFJ Owners' Manual.

11:39

And we've created a little mental model inside of

11:41

the ESFJ Owners' Manual on our –

11:44

in that program. And we're going to pull that piece

11:46

of content out of the Owners' Manual. We're

11:48

going to reference it today to help you get

11:50

a sense of your cognition and how

11:52

it's laid out. So again, if you have an Owners'

11:54

Manual for your type – and you can follow along

11:56

in the same framework regardless of your type – but

11:59

if you have that, you can do that. the ESFJ owner's manual, I

12:01

recommend pulling up that sheet, pause

12:03

this recording, whatever, get that sheet out to

12:05

follow along looking at the

12:07

cognitive functions of your mind. So

12:09

and I'll do a quick overview verbally here just so if

12:12

you don't have the owner's manual, we don't have that in

12:14

front of you, you can still have a reference point as

12:16

we use that as our framework to

12:18

go into. So imagine

12:20

your mind is a four-passenger car. You

12:23

have a driver in the front seat, a copilot

12:25

sitting next to the driver, and then the backseat,

12:27

you got some kids, almost like a family moving.

12:30

This represents the cognition of your mind. The

12:32

driver for an ESFJ is

12:35

a mental process we've nicknamed Harmony and

12:37

its technical name is extroverted feeling. And by the way,

12:39

as I talk about these, I am not going to

12:41

be comprehensive or detailed or specific about all the aspects

12:44

of this. It's just a quick reference

12:46

point so we can move forward into

12:48

some of the things we want to talk about. So

12:52

the driver for ESFJ is extroverted feeling.

12:54

We've nicknamed Harmony. Attune to the relationship

12:56

between people, people's social

12:59

dynamics, the thing – social

13:02

standing, how people

13:04

are interacting with each other, how people

13:07

are feeling about those interactions and often people's

13:09

needs that arise in the middle of their

13:11

life like the things that they

13:14

need to have happen or be supported in in order

13:16

to go to the extroverted. Often it's

13:18

emotional support or something like this. This

13:21

is very much attuned to it and there's a

13:23

lot of things that this function does, but this

13:25

really drives the ESFJ. This makes so much sense

13:27

to the ESFJ as the driver of their personality.

13:30

The co-pilot for ESFJ is

13:32

a mental process that we've nicknamed

13:34

Memory. Its technical name

13:36

is introverted sensing and this is another

13:38

pretty strong aspect of your personality and

13:41

this is how you perceive

13:43

your world. It's about precedent and

13:45

understanding what is going on now

13:48

based on all the small changes

13:50

and experiences both personal to an

13:52

individual but also collective through a

13:54

society or through culture or institutions.

13:58

It pays attention to the microchips. changes

14:00

or the modifications and the

14:04

deviations that happen on small levels to

14:06

watch how things shape and move and

14:09

came to be. So it's focused on things like etymology,

14:12

history, things that you

14:14

remember from the past as we nicknamed memory.

14:17

You're learning by looking through memories to

14:19

understand how I'm here at this moment.

14:22

And that, again, for ESFJs, rounds out

14:24

the personality. And it does a

14:26

bunch of other stuff we'll get into. But just

14:29

those are two functions that the ESFJ moves to

14:31

the world with superpowers. That's

14:33

the good news. But just like

14:36

anything, you're not just that part of yourself. You

14:38

also have some challenging news as an ESFJ. Sitting

14:41

directly behind that co-pilot is a cognitive

14:43

function we put at about 10 years old.

14:46

We've nicknamed it exploration. Its technical

14:49

name is extroverted intuition. This

14:51

unlike memory that's looking into the past and

14:54

watching all the changes over time and spending

14:56

the time with that, this

14:58

is real time in the

15:00

moment, imaginative pattern recognition. Taking

15:03

things that are seemingly disconnected and putting

15:06

them together and say, what new thing is created from

15:08

this? What if I could take this and this and

15:10

put it together? What would come from that? What

15:12

if we didn't have to start from this point? We started from over

15:14

there and then we jumped over here. What would

15:16

come from that? It's asking a lot of speculative

15:19

what-if questions in the outer world in real time

15:21

to make patterns in the mind

15:23

to speculate the space between the dots that's

15:25

trying to connect. It moves very fast. This

15:27

is a very important part of an ESFJ.

15:30

But it's got the

15:32

energy level of a 10 year old. There's a little bit of

15:35

proving energy. We'll talk about why this is. But there's a

15:37

little bit of a proving energy or a looking

15:40

for approval in the outside world from this part of yourself

15:42

as an ESFJ. Sometimes

15:44

it can be deeply painful if that approval is not there. We'll

15:47

talk about again why that shows up. Again,

15:49

this does so much more than I just said, but that's

15:51

the broad brush. Let's talk about that

15:53

3 year old that sits behind the driver in the

15:55

car model of personality. This

15:58

is for an ESFJ. a

16:00

mental process that is technically

16:03

named introverted thinking. We've

16:05

nicknamed it as accuracy. This

16:08

is about getting very specific and

16:10

precise about your thought process and

16:13

the internal logic and criteria you

16:15

do to make decisions around, well,

16:17

anything, using data and information

16:20

and logic to do it. It's

16:23

focused on depersonalizing

16:25

things. If the harmony process of the

16:27

driver for an ESFJ is all about

16:30

the personal interconnections between people,

16:33

this process doesn't want that. That clutters the

16:35

data. That messes up the ability to think

16:38

cleanly and see information in its most pure

16:40

form. So in a way, it depersonalizes things

16:42

and just sits with the ones and the

16:44

zeros, the numbers, the massive at all, metaphorically

16:47

speaking, in order to come to conclusions about

16:49

what's going on or what makes sense. And

16:52

it, as a three-year-old, is going to be

16:54

deeply uncertain. This part of you, while you

16:56

may even, as an ESFJ, be

16:58

extremely intelligent. I mean it's not

17:00

about intelligence, and often that's how it's talked

17:03

about. You even may have tons

17:05

of capacity in this area. You may

17:07

have skill built here, but it will

17:09

never be certain. No matter how

17:11

much skill or capacity you've built, you're always going

17:13

to question it. And that's really what it

17:16

means for it to be a three-year-old, not that it's going to

17:18

be unsophisticated. Well, because you're going

17:20

to not have as much certainty, you may

17:22

not exercise this as much, and you probably

17:24

won't develop as much capacity here as maybe

17:26

the other functions. But I think it

17:28

has a lot of power for you. There's a lot of aspirations

17:31

for ESFJs here, and I think it's a very

17:33

– we know, not just think. We know it's

17:35

a very important part of your cognition.

17:38

Yeah. So as we go through all four

17:41

of those functions, we're going

17:43

to talk about them in

17:45

terms of appropriate expectations to

17:47

set. Because if you're

17:49

setting the right expectations for each of

17:51

these functions, you're going to be clearing those

17:54

channels, right? You're going to be removing things

17:56

like disappointment in self or demoralization.

18:00

that cleans everything up so that you can receive

18:02

all that juicy love you've been given

18:04

to yourself. So thank you

18:06

for mentioning the concept of certainty as well.

18:10

Every single function in the order that you

18:12

just mentioned them is in a descending order

18:14

of certainty, meaning that the driver is

18:16

the most certain of all of those functions and

18:18

that just means you're not questioning it. When

18:21

you get an insight or a thought

18:23

or an inkling or an

18:25

instinct or whatever it is from that

18:28

first function, your driver function, you

18:31

just believe it almost the first time through. And

18:33

that's what we all do with our with that

18:35

function. It's just we have a high degree. Sometimes

18:37

you could call it over confidence. Yeah. The

18:40

second function, the co-pilot has a little less

18:42

sense of certainty but it's still quite certain.

18:45

By the time you get to the 10 year old, you're

18:47

now in uncertain territory and by the time you get

18:49

to the three-year-old function, you're now deeply uncertain.

18:52

So we want to

18:54

set appropriate expectations based on

18:56

that because part of what

18:58

throttles our ability to do

19:00

things is when

19:02

we are experiencing the feeling of

19:05

uncertainty. And humans hate

19:07

this feeling by the way. I've noticed that

19:09

uncertainty is like everybody's kryptonite. The

19:11

assumption is that if I'm feeling uncertain, it

19:13

means that there's a red flag. It means

19:15

that there's something wrong. But

19:17

sometimes we just feel uncertain because we

19:19

feel uncertain. And it doesn't actually mean

19:22

anything. So in the functions that

19:24

we have a high degree of certainty in

19:26

and we have a lot more enjoyment and

19:28

a lot more natural talent, we

19:30

want to

19:32

leverage that lack of uncertainty.

19:35

We want to leverage our certainty to do

19:37

better in those parts. And then

19:40

by the time we get to those elements of

19:42

ourselves where we're deeply uncertain, we have

19:44

to account for that. We have to account for that in

19:46

the expectations or setting because it's hard to get really good

19:48

at something that you're just always questioning whether or not you're

19:50

good at it. So it

19:53

adds more, it's throttles our

19:55

progress. It adds more energy.

19:57

We have to apply more energy to do the same

19:59

thing. So just keep that in mind as

20:01

we talk about each function and what

20:03

our expectations should be in them. So

20:06

let's start with the driver function, shall we? Let's do it.

20:09

Okay, so you already kind of described extroverted

20:11

feeling or harmony. And

20:14

another way of saying this function or kind

20:16

of the analogy I always think of is as

20:18

the mortar between the bricks. It's

20:20

the social glue that keeps us all together. It

20:23

is focused on rapport, the

20:25

energy that is churning between

20:27

two people that is

20:30

generative. The more we like to

20:32

– the more we like

20:34

somebody's energy and the more

20:36

they like our energy, the more we are

20:39

going to create its own generative energy field.

20:42

And that's why there are some people that if you're

20:44

in strong rapport with them, you could hang out with them

20:46

forever. So there's like an

20:49

energy that gets produced through that rapport. And

20:51

so if this function

20:53

is focused on that, those

20:56

energetic rapport moments and the glue that

20:58

keeps us together as people, then

21:00

it's going to be tracking things like

21:02

morale, right? How good do people

21:04

feel in groups? Who do

21:06

we need to put together so that everybody's

21:08

feeling a little better? What needs are

21:10

going unmet to ensure that morale

21:12

isn't being compromised by somebody

21:14

having an unmet need that could be something

21:17

as simple as a meal? It's

21:20

the sense of sort of shepherding people, and

21:23

that is your responsibility, is to sort of shepherd

21:25

people and make sure that they're okay. So

21:27

this is a function because it's your driver,

21:30

because you have a high degree of certainty. You're

21:32

naturally talented. You're prewired to see all of these things

21:34

and look at them. You want

21:37

to have very high expectations for yourself

21:39

here. Now, one

21:41

could think that high expectations means having a lot

21:43

of friends or having a lot of people in

21:45

your life. But high expectations

21:47

isn't about the quantity of relationships you

21:50

have. It's about the quality of the

21:52

relationships you have. And so

21:54

doing things that foster

21:57

high-quality relationships is

21:59

something – that is not – even

22:01

if you're a people person, even if you're

22:03

like naturally gifted talking to others, high-quality

22:06

relationships are difficult. They

22:08

require a lot out of us. They

22:10

require us to be good at

22:13

conflict resolution, not conflict

22:15

avoidance. To have a

22:18

high-quality relationship, you have to be

22:20

good at calling things out. You have

22:22

to be willing to get into tiffs

22:24

and fights sometimes in order to really

22:26

smooth out – iron out the differences. Iron

22:30

out the problems and get to a place of

22:32

resolution, and that creates a lot more intimacy. So

22:36

a high expectation means you're going

22:38

to be good at resolving conflict,

22:41

and that doesn't mean just trusting your ability to do

22:43

it in the moment. It

22:45

means having some strategies, maybe

22:47

having some skill development, having

22:49

certain ways that you approach conflict.

22:53

So it means building skill in

22:55

the quiet times, in the moments when no

22:57

conflict is happening so that you're

22:59

prepared in a moment of conflict to use

23:01

some of these – some of these methodologies.

23:04

I think ESFJs

23:07

probably are at the lead of some of these concepts

23:10

I'm about to talk about. So I'm

23:13

actually tuning into some ESFJs I know

23:15

and maybe ENFJs, but people that

23:17

have this harmony process, I think

23:19

social media is a great lens to look at

23:21

this through. Because you said it's about quality,

23:24

not quantity, and I think a lot of

23:26

extroverted feeling people are realizing

23:28

that, oh, I've got like 500 friends

23:30

on Facebook, quote-unquote, friends on Facebook. But

23:34

who do I really know and connect with? It's just kind

23:36

of – it feels very cold and distant, and I feel

23:38

like all it does is create

23:40

this conflict you're talking about, Antonia. And

23:42

I've seen a lot of harmony

23:44

people shift and go, you know what? I need to

23:46

get back to real-life stuff. I need to deal

23:49

with conflict and resolution and all that in the real

23:51

world. I don't know if it's going to happen online.

23:53

And maybe all this 500 friend thing, yeah,

23:55

I want to be connected to my extended family and

23:57

friends and the people I know, but maybe I do want to connect with

23:59

them. I curate a smaller, more intimate group for myself. And

24:02

I've seen a lot of changes and shifts, and I

24:04

think that's – like that's a higher

24:06

order of thinking for harmony. And that

24:08

would be something where you're holding into higher expectation

24:10

is you're being judicious about the types of relationships

24:12

you're creating. You almost have categories

24:14

for the maybe, or you understand, okay, this person is

24:17

more in the inner circle on the – like

24:19

not everybody gets in. You just

24:21

don't – there's – technology makes it so that

24:23

your harmony now could be attuned to the connections

24:25

of the world. But before

24:27

technology limited that. You had people in your small

24:29

town. You had maybe some

24:31

phone calls and letters you could write that the

24:34

advent of the internet and then social media right afterward

24:36

put us into this thing where, well,

24:38

if I have the capacity to be friends with everybody, wouldn't I

24:40

want to be? Well, I

24:43

mean there's a limit to that, right? And I think harmony

24:45

– it's almost like it

24:48

was like sugary at first. Like it was, wow, I could be

24:50

connected to everyone. It was like, well, that may not be the

24:52

greatest thing for me to be connected to everybody. Everyone puts a

24:54

lot of burden on you as the person. If

24:56

you feel like you're going around and all

24:58

these connections mean obligations to answer messages or

25:00

to respond or to help somebody, you're

25:03

going to wear out. And I think a lot of harmony

25:05

users have found themselves. They need to pull back. I'm worn

25:07

out by all the needs around me because I'm connected just

25:09

to too many people. So it's

25:11

also the quality of

25:14

the person that you're connected to, like

25:16

quality of the connection itself, but also

25:18

the quality of how many connections, like

25:20

qualitative or the quantity in a quality way, I

25:22

guess what I'm trying to say. It might be

25:24

confusing. But I think that's an example maybe of

25:26

harmony and how I think it is maturing and

25:28

the expectations are going up for it. Absolutely.

25:31

I think that's a great example. And

25:34

you touched multiple times

25:36

on another expectation that

25:39

somebody who has extroverted feeling or harmony as

25:41

a driver should have for themselves, and that

25:44

is getting extremely good at boundary setting. So

25:47

boundaries are one of the most

25:49

important elements of keeping good

25:51

relationships going. If you don't

25:53

have boundaries – and

25:57

it's not to say that people will always respect

25:59

them. But if you know what they are

26:01

and they don't respect them, or usually actually it's

26:03

not a matter of respect, it's a matter of

26:05

not knowing them. And they step

26:07

on a boundary, and then you thoughtfully

26:09

and patiently let the person know, and

26:12

you give them an opportunity to say, oh,

26:14

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that. And now it's

26:17

fine. Now it's like, hey, so I just

26:19

wanted you to let you know that that's part of

26:21

my yard, right? Like your dog is doing

26:23

his business on. And it's like the person's

26:25

like, oh, I didn't realize that. I thought

26:28

it was part of the park or whatever, and it's like, well, it's actually

26:30

mine. And so my preference is that

26:32

your dog doesn't do his business on my yard. Yeah,

26:34

no problem. It's not a problem at

26:36

all. I'll pick it up. So it's like

26:39

that's a conversation between strangers where

26:41

a person legitimately didn't know. You

26:44

let them know. They respected the boundary,

26:46

and now everything's fine. But when

26:49

we don't have

26:52

almost like a reverence for the

26:54

importance of boundaries. When somebody

26:56

with extroverted feeling or harmony does not put

26:59

it in its proper place of being crucial

27:02

to ensure that we have good,

27:04

strong interpersonal dynamics. And

27:07

they maybe allow people to step

27:09

over their boundaries without saying them, or they don't sit

27:11

down to figure out what their – first of all,

27:13

you have to figure out what your boundaries actually are.

27:16

Crucial work, crucial. And if you haven't done

27:18

that yet, that might be the first

27:20

protocol. The second is

27:22

to figure out ways to communicate them

27:25

thoughtfully and patiently. The

27:27

third is to respect your own boundaries

27:29

and don't allow people to disrespect

27:31

them, not step on them sometimes out

27:34

of ignorance, but to exploit or take

27:36

advantage. And then the next is that

27:38

you have to respect other people's boundaries. You

27:41

just show a general respect for this,

27:43

and that's hard. It's

27:46

like the maintenance of that is difficult, and yet if there's

27:48

anybody who is suited to doing that

27:50

work and doing it beautifully, it's somebody

27:52

who is driving or leading with extroverted

27:54

feeling or harmony. I could see a

27:56

harmony person, ESFJ maybe, saying, Antonio, come

27:58

on. I'm

28:01

always – I'm the person walking

28:03

the dog usually. I'm watching to make sure

28:05

I'm not letting it happen on somebody else's

28:07

yard. I am tuned in to

28:09

other people's boundaries. I

28:12

mean, are you saying I shouldn't expect them

28:14

to be tuned into mine like I'm tuned into theirs

28:17

because I'm paying attention? And

28:19

I think in there lies some of the challenge in

28:21

that the expectation is that everyone's seeing it maybe the

28:23

way you're seeing it. And

28:25

I would posit that most boundaries are

28:27

going to be set individually, but

28:30

the instinct for harmony is to set them collectively.

28:34

The instinct is, well, why do I have to

28:36

tell that person that's letting their dog do

28:38

that on my yard? That should be

28:41

known collectively in society. And

28:43

I shouldn't have to assert that specifically

28:45

because society should have already asserted to

28:47

that person that's not okay. And

28:50

I think an ESFJ might struggle with that. But

28:53

I don't know if society has done a good job at

28:55

setting that for everyone. I don't know if everyone got the

28:58

memo maybe. And so I think it is up to harmony

29:00

to say, no, this is my specific

29:02

boundary because I can't control the world

29:04

and how it's messaging everything to everybody.

29:07

So I think the mature harmony here

29:09

is to be able to communicate what

29:11

your personal boundaries are, not just what

29:14

you assume society has indicated to others.

29:17

And that's another aspect of having high

29:19

expectations is that you have to start

29:21

to understand the psychology of human behavior.

29:24

And that might

29:26

feel like it falls in the realm of

29:28

a different cognitive function, but I think when extroverted

29:31

feeling or harmony really has a

29:33

high expectation for itself, it's going into the

29:35

deeper parts. It's like it's not making those

29:37

assumptions. It's not saying, I shouldn't have to.

29:41

Most of us, when it comes to our strengths, we

29:43

are very much overburdened with them, like as

29:46

in people relying on us to do that

29:48

work for them. And on some level, that's

29:50

understandable, right? On some level, if

29:53

we're the person who shows up with abundance and somebody

29:55

else shows up with scarcity, they might not even be

29:57

thinking about how much they're asking for us to share

29:59

our gifts. with them because usually

30:01

it all works out in the wash.

30:03

It's like in reverse, when

30:06

I've heard people talk about emotional labor, I started

30:09

thinking about thought labor. I'm

30:11

like, there's a lot of people who use me for thought

30:13

labor, but I also use

30:15

other people for emotional labor, so I guess it washes out.

30:18

There is a part of us that can kind

30:20

of feel overburdened, and that's

30:22

when actually I'd go back to we

30:25

aren't setting good boundaries. Anytime

30:27

you feel like you're doing too heavy of a

30:30

lift, it needs to be communicated, and it's

30:32

usually the people in your life. It's not to

30:34

strangers. It's not to – that's like they

30:36

might be the straw that breaks the camel's back,

30:38

but most of the time if we're feeling like

30:41

we're overgiving, it's the people who

30:43

are closest to us that those are the relationships

30:45

we should be looking at. I think the

30:47

measurements for this, just in case you want

30:49

tangible measurements, is frustration, agitation,

30:53

resentment, and anger. If

30:56

you're feeling those emotions, especially toward other

30:58

people or circumstances, my

31:01

guess is nine times out of ten it's a boundary issue.

31:05

Nine times out of ten those emotions are telling you

31:07

that something's messed up with somebody's boundaries and the dynamic,

31:10

and pay attention. So if you're

31:12

feeling like agitated, angry, frustrated, resentful

31:15

toward your partner, my suspicion is go

31:17

on a hunt for is there a boundary crossing on

31:19

their side or my side as an example, right? And

31:21

by the way, I'm talking to ESFJs as if they don't

31:24

know this stuff, right? I mean take it

31:26

for what it is ESFJ. I feel like I'm

31:28

saying something that most ESFJs know, but just in case

31:30

somebody's listening that needs a metric for, okay, how do

31:32

I know that I've got a boundary cross or how

31:34

do I know I need to increase capacity here or

31:36

I need to stretch this harmony process? I

31:38

think those are some measuring – or ways

31:40

to measure the dynamics happening on the ground.

31:43

Well, and keeping your finger on the pulse

31:45

of the emotions, not just other people but

31:47

your own. Yeah. Like

31:49

anger is actually a really helpful emotion for extroverted feeling. Like

31:52

you said, it lets me know that a boundary is crossed. Now

31:54

does that mean that I have to blow up, right? If I'm

31:56

angry, now does that mean that I have to like make it

31:58

everybody else's problem or do I just – go, oh, I'm

32:00

angry. I should probably do something about that.

32:02

That's probably a thing. I should maybe go

32:04

a little deeper. And that's setting higher expectations.

32:07

It's having the expectation that you

32:09

will master. You will master

32:12

interpersonal relationships. Because you can. You've got all

32:14

of the natural talent in there. So

32:16

it means putting some

32:18

forethought into, you know, like, what

32:20

is this group gonna need in order

32:22

to stay close together? When

32:25

we've had groups of people staying with

32:27

us, I almost always implement a thing that I think

32:29

of as Tribe Time, which is, let's

32:31

all get together and watch something funny together. And

32:34

it's like, well, you know, if we're maybe

32:36

all gathered to do a work project, that

32:38

feels like a waste of time. And I'm

32:40

like, no.

32:42

Because we're gonna need the good feeling we got from

32:44

Tribe Time to carry into the work project so that

32:46

we're not like frustrated with each other if it's going

32:48

slower than we want to, or why did you make

32:50

that decision? Brings the morale up for everyone. You got

32:53

it. It's just a general sense of goodwill. And so

32:55

it's like it's thinking about those kinds of things all

32:57

the time. And in communities, in

32:59

your family, like in all of

33:01

the elements you touch, and

33:04

it's easy to self-assess as

33:07

a relationship, like

33:09

a master of relationships when

33:12

we do have the quantity.

33:14

But really, again, it's the quality.

33:17

It's the quality you're looking at.

33:19

It's the ability to really understand

33:21

what do people truly, truly need

33:24

to stay glued together, not in

33:29

a codependent way. That's the key.

33:31

The key is that we can glue each other with some

33:34

pretty strong adhesive in a codependent

33:36

way. But we're talking

33:38

about mastering interdependent relationships, where nobody needs

33:40

the other person. Like we're together because

33:42

we need each other because no man

33:45

is an island, but

33:47

we don't need each other to say cover, like

33:50

cover our faults for each other or to

33:52

turn a blind eye to our bad behaviors.

33:55

What happens if we're both healthy people and

33:57

we're in a relationship? It's mastering those kinds

33:59

of relationships. Yeah. Anything else

34:01

you want to talk about with the driver before we move on? I

34:04

think just understanding that this extends

34:06

out to both personal and professional.

34:09

It's like a mastery of both of those elements. And

34:13

recognizing that this

34:16

is a function that's a little more difficult because

34:18

it intrinsically includes

34:20

other humans. The other

34:22

functions don't. A little

34:24

bit of extroverted thinking does because if

34:27

you want to get something big done, you've got to have other

34:29

people as part of that project. So

34:31

extroverted thinking or effectiveness leans over

34:34

into this. But this is the only

34:36

function that really truly relies on not just

34:38

yourself but other people. And so

34:41

that does make it harder in some ways. It really

34:43

truly does. And so it's

34:46

not always easy to do. And it's

34:48

not always our fault. Sometimes

34:51

if we don't have high-quality relationships in our

34:53

life, it's not because we're bringing

34:55

the bad elements. We just haven't

34:57

concluded or completed it, and

34:59

that's on us. And I say

35:02

this as a person who also uses extroverted feeling or

35:04

harmony. I just have it lower down

35:06

in my car, in my car model. But

35:09

yeah, it

35:11

does make it different than other functions.

35:13

And recognizing that there are

35:16

challenges that are in there

35:19

that make it – that mean that you're

35:21

going to have to be good at assessing

35:24

and not maybe taking everything on yourself

35:26

as much. Recognizing that this is

35:28

a two-way street. So

35:33

that's the driver of harmony, extroverted

35:36

feeling. Let's talk about the ESFJ's co-pilot. Again,

35:38

if you're looking at that car model personality,

35:41

it's called memory. Its

35:43

technical name is introverted sensing. And

35:46

this is the other strong part of you.

35:48

Now, there is a

35:50

temptation because it's a little bit – for

35:52

an ESFJ, this is going to feel a

35:54

little slower and more methodical and a little

35:56

bit more detail-oriented. And if

35:58

you're an ESFJ, especially if you're – you're a

36:00

very outgoing, fast-paced, very responsive,

36:34

reviewing, reevaluating, thinking through things that you've

36:36

already – like, how things were done

36:40

and processing or thinking about other people's

36:42

experiences. So it is – it's a

36:45

much slower pace of function than

36:47

the more responsive energy of the driver

36:49

of extroverted feeling or harmony. Yeah. Yeah.

36:53

And so as we think about this then, there is –

36:55

this is tons of room for growth. This

36:57

is also the part of you for everybody

37:00

that – they're co-pilot, that position, and for

37:02

you, this memory process for you as an

37:04

ESFJ, this is the translator

37:06

inside of your own mind. This is

37:08

how you're going to translate both itself,

37:11

the co-pilot and the driver of your

37:13

personality, and you're going to help talk

37:15

– have those parts talk to the parts

37:18

in your backseat, the 10-year-old and the 3-year-old. So

37:20

this is the part of you that all

37:22

the good information and translation will run through,

37:24

this part of your mind in a way.

37:26

So developing this helps inner dialogue and communication,

37:28

and we're going to talk about that little – that

37:31

little inter-mean voice that you might have running in the background

37:33

telling you you're not good enough. This translator

37:35

can help with that. This memory process can help with that.

37:37

And there's a ton of capacity for growth. So

37:40

as we talk about expectations, we're going to talk

37:42

about setting pretty high expectations for this too, although

37:44

there's room to step into those. Where the harmony process

37:47

you're using all the time, this

37:49

one might need more intention and attention

37:51

to grow it. Right. And

37:54

so just as you mentioned, we want to

37:56

have high expectations for this

37:58

function as well, expectations,

38:01

but it's got a little bit of a different energy.

38:03

Like you said, you just call it

38:05

a translator for the other functions. Part

38:08

of the reason why it's good at

38:10

keeping things in line and translating is

38:13

because it carries with it. And we're

38:15

going to just reference briefly a model

38:17

called the eight function model that was

38:20

developed by our coach, Dr.

38:22

John Beebe. He applies

38:24

an archetypal energy to

38:27

each of these positions. And he says

38:29

this auxiliary or copilot position, he

38:32

calls it the function that has

38:34

parental energy. So there's

38:37

a desire to contribute with this function.

38:39

It's like parenting the world with it.

38:42

You want to contribute. You want to help

38:44

people out and you're willing

38:46

to do it a little thinklessly because

38:48

parents do a lot of work

38:50

in behalf of their children. Thinklessly, right?

38:52

They may never get a thank you from their

38:54

kids. And if they do, it's going to be

38:56

a long time from now. So there

38:59

has to be an intrinsic reward for doing

39:01

so much work in behalf of others,

39:03

like in parenting, and

39:05

that energy applies to this function,

39:08

the position. In the

39:10

case of introverted sensing or memory, there

39:12

is an intrinsic reward that somebody with

39:14

ESFJ preferences gets when they're able to

39:16

help other people out using it. And

39:19

in fact, sometimes there'll be more

39:22

faithful recorders of other people's experiences

39:24

than even their own. They'll

39:26

remember thoughtful details about other people's

39:28

preferences more than they'll even know

39:31

what they want at all. And

39:33

so there is a natural instinct to do this

39:35

for others. And so

39:38

the high expectation comes with it,

39:41

comes with the

39:44

energy of contribution.

39:47

When you are setting an

39:49

expectation here and you're working on it, part

39:52

of it is how am I, how am I

39:54

giving with this function? How am I helping other

39:56

people? And then the other piece of

39:58

the high expectation is how am I. self-parenting with

40:00

this function, not just helping others,

40:02

not just doing for others, but how am I also doing

40:04

for myself? So part of

40:07

that high expectation is creating

40:09

stability. Introverted sensing or memory, one

40:11

of the things it does better than anything else is

40:14

it lays tracks of continuity. It's

40:17

stable, it's reliable, there's a sense of

40:19

safety that's a part of it. So

40:22

maintaining a safe, stable,

40:24

orderly home, making

40:27

sure that you've got your fingers on

40:29

the pulse of income so that your

40:31

family is going to be safe in that way,

40:33

that it's generating enough money

40:35

so that everybody's going to be okay. It's

40:38

about ensuring that

40:41

family lore and what you could

40:43

almost call institutional knowledge about the family

40:46

is preserved. And so everybody feels like,

40:48

okay, we've got some continuity,

40:50

we've got some stability here, mom

40:53

or dad or whatever, the person who's

40:56

providing this energy,

40:58

they're going to make sure that we're

41:00

all okay. And

41:02

that's not easy to do. It's not easy to

41:05

help other people by giving them a

41:07

sense of continuity and stability. It's a

41:09

bit of a heavy lift, but that's

41:11

the expectation. What is that for yourself?

41:13

Yeah, it's a way, I think, to

41:15

help the self and others tune to

41:17

cultural, family, and

41:19

societal cues that we

41:21

all engage with. And you know, oh,

41:24

here's how this works. And I understand it because

41:26

I've experienced it. I've been tracking it and paying

41:28

attention. I think it also can

41:30

get down to keeping track of

41:33

details, right? The

41:35

word accounting always has a financial or

41:37

mathematic component, but accounting of everything,

41:39

the neighborhood you live in and the changes

41:42

over time, accounting for the way

41:44

things have developed and new

41:46

things have come about and what was once

41:48

and how things used to be. I think

41:50

there's a lot of attunement to this that

41:53

we need people that steward knowledge over a

41:55

timeline. They take a knowledge

41:57

or understanding, maybe, that wasn't even theirs.

42:00

If you're talking about that, there's the help with it,

42:02

but there's also a stewardship that's part of this. They

42:05

understand it and they carry it and

42:07

steward it until the next generation is

42:09

ready for it in a

42:11

general, broad sense. And

42:13

I think that's important. There's the people

42:15

that started some of the institutions that we have in

42:19

our lives, in our countries and things that we all

42:21

come from were started hundreds of years ago. And

42:24

people have stewarded those institutions and the knowledge of

42:26

those – and all the things that that means,

42:28

and they've kept track. Whether it was inside

42:31

of themselves or literally writing it down, they've

42:33

recorded things, and that's how we know where we came

42:35

from. That's how we know how things have been. I

42:38

think that it's a very important – especially

42:42

with technology and all

42:44

the fast-paced changes, it

42:47

may be needed now more than ever, a

42:49

ballast of continuity like you're talking

42:51

about. I think

42:53

it's really important, and I think ESFJs are

42:55

extremely equipped, especially for things like culture and

42:57

social dynamics, human interactions. I mean

42:59

you can do all sorts of stuff, but those –

43:01

I think a lot of ESFJs get lit up about

43:04

those ideas like, oh yeah, I like

43:06

that kind of stuff, so I'm going to pay attention to that

43:08

kind of stuff. Well, great. That's going to help you grow this

43:10

for yourself and increase capacity. Again, the whole framework

43:12

of this is self-love. You're

43:15

attuned to those things. You feel good about yourself. You've

43:18

opened up the channels, and it's like, man, I

43:20

love myself because I'm keeping track of my family's

43:22

lore or I'm keeping track of this. I'm tuned

43:24

into what came before, and I

43:26

can help calm people down. I go, what do we know,

43:28

everybody? Everybody's upset about all these new changes, but what do

43:31

we know? What can we rely upon? Let's tune back to

43:33

that. Ah, thank you for making us feel stable and centered,

43:35

and you can do that for yourself as well

43:37

for self-love reasons. Yeah, I

43:39

mean sometimes people bucket this idea of

43:41

tradition and, oh, I hate the holidays

43:44

or I hate this thing or this

43:46

thing. And it's like – but it's

43:48

something we can predict. It's something we

43:50

can rely on. And so

43:53

not that every ESFJ is going to be holiday-mad

43:55

or anything. It's not like they're all going to be

43:57

super into it. But even if it's not holidays, it's

43:59

not. Per se, it's this

44:01

idea of traditions, and that

44:03

might just be referential to

44:06

your family or to the people

44:08

who you're found family. It's

44:11

things that you

44:13

all have created tradition around. You

44:15

all have created stability around. And

44:17

so in really chaotic times, in

44:20

times where it's hard to predict what's coming next,

44:23

I would say contemporary times

44:25

are very chaos-oriented, lots of

44:27

disruption, lots of uncertainty, lots of – I'm

44:30

not sure what's going to happen in the future. I guess we just have

44:32

to keep hanging on the news. And

44:35

in a time period like that where everything

44:37

around us feels like it's thrown into chaos,

44:40

it's people who have this function. And I

44:43

would even argue maybe particularly the people who

44:45

have it as a parent

44:47

function that are some of the

44:49

best at going like, okay, but

44:51

let's ground ourselves. Let's not get caught

44:54

up in the madness too much. If

44:56

that person has developed this function, if

44:59

they have had high expectations for what

45:01

they are – what they provide, a

45:03

sense of responsibility to others to

45:05

make sure that they are part of this

45:07

ballast. Yeah, I think this

45:09

process is very tuned into the symbols

45:12

and traditions that represent

45:15

past experience. So like a

45:17

holiday, for example. There's a lot of symbols

45:19

we use. Let's say the holiday of Christmas and the

45:21

one that I celebrate. There's a lot

45:23

of symbology like a tree and all

45:26

these different accoutrements that speak to a

45:28

shared humanity that we've all experienced from

45:30

time to time, from over

45:32

time I should say. And so that's

45:34

the kind of thing they're tuned into. They're symbolic

45:36

and they represent something, and that stewardship is important.

45:40

And I think that, again, that could be increased. What

45:42

are some other ways maybe to measure this? Or

45:46

maybe ways that it's – there's an

45:48

obstruction to self-love here would be probably

45:50

important for an ESFJ to hear as

45:52

well. Well, ignoring it, not seeing it

45:54

as that important, maybe being bored by

45:57

the function. If

45:59

somebody who has – ESFJ preferences doesn't

46:01

really give themselves time to do

46:03

sufficient processing of their experiences, then

46:07

it's not what it's doing. It's

46:09

what it's not doing. It's how it's not showing

46:11

up for them. And so making

46:15

sure that somebody with

46:17

these preferences is not the chaos

46:19

agent themselves, that they do have a sense

46:22

of grounding, that they're not just up

46:24

and going, go, go, go, go. And

46:26

I think, as mentioned before, it's

46:28

the function that gives people of

46:31

this type of patience, but it also gives

46:33

them resilience. It gives

46:35

them the ability to watch themselves

46:37

overcome obstacles, and then this is the

46:39

function that takes an accounting of that. It's the

46:41

function that goes – it goes, yeah, no,

46:43

I mean I guess I did go through that whole experience.

46:46

And you know that you fully

46:49

processed a memory or

46:51

an experience when on the other

46:53

side is acceptance. So as a

46:55

person is processing the material

46:58

from the past, and sometimes it's

47:00

not good stuff. Sometimes – I mean a lot

47:03

of us have some pretty disturbing things from our

47:05

past that still need to be processed. And once

47:07

it can get to a place of acceptance,

47:09

part of that acceptance is I lived

47:11

through it. I overcame. I

47:14

am the person – that's part of the crucible

47:17

that helps define who I am right now. And

47:20

because of that, I know I'm a resilient person,

47:23

and I know I can get through anything. And

47:25

that's part of where that stability comes from. Yes,

47:28

and I would say going back to the

47:30

social media comments I was making around the

47:32

Harmony driver-free ESFJs, I

47:35

think it's this function. So

47:38

if an ESFJ, for example, would tell me,

47:40

Joel, I had all these friendships.

47:44

I was friending everybody on the planet on Facebook,

47:46

let's say, or some social media platform I was

47:48

on in the early days. I

47:50

would just indiscriminately just say yes to every friendship. But

47:53

then I really sat and thought with it, with

47:55

my memory, the part of me that is my

47:57

memory process. And I went, okay, I

47:59

feel unhappy. and unfulfilled with all these connections. I

48:01

should be happy and feel that, but what

48:04

do I know about humanity and my relationship to

48:06

self and others? What do I know about the

48:08

experiences I've had? And a

48:10

person maybe with ESFJ preferences remembers a time before

48:12

they had all those connections. And

48:15

they remember having a curated small group

48:17

of friends that – and maybe a

48:19

larger cultural group like a church or

48:21

social connection or something and a family.

48:23

And they went, man, I was happier back then. That's what I know.

48:26

And processing the experience is going, that's different than the

48:28

experience I'm having now. I'm unhappy

48:31

in this experience here. I've got too much going

48:33

on. I feel like I've got to always continue to

48:35

like think of something new and keep it all updated.

48:37

And I'm losing track of people and their needs. Well,

48:40

maybe I should tune back into what I remember from

48:42

before and bring some of that wisdom forward.

48:45

Maybe this decision, which many ESFJs report, is not

48:47

to just completely disconnect from social media, but

48:50

to have a better relationship with it because you

48:52

have a longer through line you're looking back to. You

48:54

have a history. You have pre-social media

48:56

history you might be looking at with

48:58

this part of yourself to go, yeah,

49:01

there was a slower, more curated

49:03

experience with social things. I

49:06

need to bring that forward now and maybe apply

49:08

some of those principles of my memories to what's

49:10

going on for me now and make some changes

49:12

to adjust. That's the wisdom this

49:14

can bring to an ESFJ as an example. Now, I'm

49:16

not saying everybody's got that same experience. I'm just saying

49:19

I think that's the way this

49:21

can like actually show up to help

49:23

you curate your life as you go

49:25

forward, which then now opens up channels to go, I love

49:27

myself because I'm not putting myself in the position of all

49:29

these one-sided relationships where people are taking

49:31

from me and I just have to go serve, serve, serve.

49:34

I actually have thought about the type of people I

49:37

want to surround myself, the people that matter based on

49:39

my history. I feel good.

49:41

I feel a sense of self-love. Yeah,

49:43

and that's how it turns into

49:45

self-parenting because you tapped

49:47

into an element which was it's

49:49

not just – it's not just like what

49:51

do I know from my past. It's like what do we

49:54

know about humans from the human's past? How

49:57

do we incorporate that practical –

50:00

that has come down through the ages incorporated

50:03

into my life. And

50:05

so in that way, ESFJ

50:09

in this case is

50:11

self-parenting with practical wisdom. And

50:15

then when one

50:17

goes through all of their experiences, like I

50:19

said, you know that you have fully processed

50:21

an experience because the result is acceptance.

50:25

That is not easy to do. It's not always easy

50:27

to do because there's a lot of experiences we have

50:29

that might be very hard to accept. Acceptance

50:31

doesn't mean condone that

50:34

experience. It doesn't mean accept the

50:36

behavior or like, oh,

50:38

that was okay for that person to do to

50:40

me. It's accepting that it happened at all. Just

50:42

that's a fact. It's accepting the fact that it

50:44

was. It doesn't mean you approve of

50:46

it. It's going to make it very clear that that's

50:48

not what we're talking about. And that's a really good

50:50

distinction. It's an important distinction, the

50:52

difference between accepting and condoning or

50:55

what's another word? What

50:59

is the word that you were used to… Yeah,

51:01

you and I used a word earlier that

51:04

I was like, that was the word I've

51:06

been looking for, sanctioning. Condone, but I

51:08

don't know. No, it was before the podcast.

51:11

It was like a lot. It was a girlie or anything. It was

51:13

like many years ago, Joel. You said this random word in conversation. Why

51:15

do you not remember that moment that I have? I don't know. I

51:18

don't know why you've been using a lot

51:20

lately. It sounds like sanctioning, but it's not.

51:22

Oh, ratify. Thank you. Ratify. Thank you very

51:24

much. That would have just driven me crazy

51:26

if you could remember. I feel very like

51:28

political and historic. I don't know. And

51:31

yet that was the word my brain was looking for. Ratify. So

51:34

yes, acceptance doesn't mean approving.

51:37

It doesn't mean ratifying. It doesn't mean any of

51:39

that stuff. It just means like,

51:41

yeah, that's what happened and I can't pretend it didn't.

51:44

And what ends up happening is when you

51:47

fully process those experiences, you

51:49

can call all the lessons from

51:51

them, all the wisdom from them.

51:54

And the thing

51:56

that people with SGA preferences have is a

51:59

heightened. ability to call wisdom

52:01

from experiences their own and

52:04

others like like the human

52:06

experience How have people been

52:08

acting all you know throughout the the generations

52:10

throughout the ages? There is a cold wisdom

52:12

and and so having

52:15

the patience to sit down and

52:17

ruminate on those experiences and And

52:20

get the the benefit of the

52:23

oh, I guess I did make it through that

52:25

didn't I I have resilience All

52:27

of that is is where you

52:29

get these ESFJs who are so seasoned Yeah,

52:32

who are so you know just delightful

52:34

to be around see you LL

52:38

Ring ring hello wisdom you there. Yeah,

52:40

not call wisdom but cold cold wisdom

52:42

Yes cold wisdom which which actually speaks

52:44

to where I'm going next. Yeah, which

52:46

is the 10 year old for using

52:48

ESFJ So what I just did

52:50

there is I heard CUL L but

52:53

I took the pronunciation and I connected

52:55

it to a phone call call wisdom

52:58

and Then I kind of made a

53:00

pun and made a little funny joke there And that

53:02

happened in the moment as Antonio was talking

53:04

I made that connection Now

53:07

you could say well those are kind of connected

53:09

because they sound alike there's a rhyme there But

53:11

just imagine that like unleashed into all sorts of

53:14

connections and patterns writ large Well,

53:16

that's what this exploration part of you as

53:18

an ESFJ is doing. Yeah all the time

53:21

It's looking for things that are disconnected to say well What

53:23

if I put them together what happens or if I rhyme

53:25

that with this word was that make me think of and

53:28

then that Leads to another thought and then all of a

53:30

sudden you've got this cool little new idea or

53:32

thing or joke or whatever is coming of It

53:34

and you get this sense isn't ESFJ. I think you have

53:37

this experience in your life. You're probably very quick I

53:39

bet you've got a great sense of humor and you're

53:41

quick to banter with people and come up with little

53:43

quips and ideas and It's a fun

53:46

Playful part of yourself and we put it

53:48

about ten years old wouldn't ten-year-olds be some

53:50

of the most playful fun people on

53:52

the planet And that's it's the

53:54

childlike part of you But

53:56

sometimes it takes itself very serious this part

53:58

of all of us that are 10-year-old, technically

54:00

called the tertiary place. But for

54:02

ESFJs, this part of you might want

54:05

to show up and get approval from

54:07

the world much like a real 10-year-old.

54:09

Hey, mom and dad, I'm doing good, right? Or hey,

54:11

world, I'm doing good. Can I get approval and

54:14

make me feel settled because I'm uncertain that I'm doing

54:16

a good job in this? And

54:18

so because of that proving energy, I think this can show

54:21

up for an ESFJ. They

54:23

think it's requiring a higher expectation than maybe

54:26

is appropriate. And setting a high

54:28

expectation for this or feeling an obligation to

54:30

this at a high level of proficiency or

54:32

certainty is certainly going to

54:34

erode the ability for self-love. Yeah. Well,

54:38

like you mentioned, this – if

54:40

the co-pilot or auxiliary has the

54:43

energy of a parent, the

54:45

position of this function has the energy of

54:47

what's called an eternal child. And

54:50

like you mentioned, it's the first time

54:52

we're experiencing uncertainty, so what

54:54

does a 10-year-old do when they feel uncertain?

54:56

They go ask an adult, and

54:59

so that desire

55:01

for approval is really

55:03

what it is, is it's an attempt to

55:06

gain certainty. It's an attempt to have our

55:08

uncertainty calm down. Like I'm doing okay here,

55:10

right? I've got this on lock. And

55:13

like you mentioned, it can look like

55:15

I'm the fun person, right? And it

55:17

might be like a high expectation that

55:19

you're always in a good mood because

55:22

extroverted intuition or exploration, it's

55:24

kind of an effervescent function. I

55:27

like to think of it as carbonated. If

55:29

extroverted feeling or harmony is the rapport

55:31

between people, this is the function that

55:33

is the rapport between ideas. And

55:37

so it likes to connect things that are – like you said, they're

55:39

disparate, and it's kind of – it's got this

55:41

possibility thinking and this what if, and what if we connected

55:43

this thing and this thing? And what if I

55:45

knew what was going on over there even though I don't have a lot

55:47

of information, but I'm kind of guessing, and oh, I was right? And

55:51

so it's very – it's

55:53

kind of a boiny function, right? It's buoyant. And

55:56

when a person is – The

56:00

person with the ESFJ preferences sets

56:02

a reasonable expectation for it. It

56:04

means that it can help them with things that

56:06

they might shy away from. So you do want

56:09

to still have, you want to have an

56:11

expectation of yourself in this function. You don't want to think, well,

56:13

it's an uncertain function, so I guess I'll never be good at it.

56:16

Now you want to have sufficient expectation. You just

56:18

don't want to put the burdens or

56:20

the expectations of say an adult onto

56:22

this child. You don't want it to

56:25

think that it can do more than it can actually accomplish. And

56:28

then to seek approval from the outside world

56:30

to overcome that sense of uncertainty

56:32

and then feel demoralized if the outside world's like,

56:35

yeah, you weren't right there. That's not how that

56:37

looks. So part of this

56:39

is going like, okay, so I understand this is a precocious

56:41

part of who I am and I need to keep my

56:43

finger on the pulse of that. But

56:46

some elements of having a reasonable

56:50

expectation is that, yeah,

56:52

you are a curious person and you like

56:54

to explore. You enjoy ennoblety.

56:57

You enjoy creative problem solving. You

57:00

like bantering with people

57:02

and you like coming up

57:04

with creative solutions. You like brainstorming. All of

57:07

these things are well within your will house.

57:09

So being a person who

57:11

will try new foods, being a person who

57:13

will be a little adventurous and

57:16

get outside your usual modality,

57:19

having an ability to be a little spontaneous.

57:24

Maybe even if something gets in the middle

57:26

of a routine that you've developed, having a

57:28

little bit of flexibility around that. Like

57:30

being kind of more of a chill person. This

57:34

function helps you be a little bit more chill if

57:36

it is being list. What

57:40

it can really give somebody of this type is

57:42

an ability to not sweat the small stuff

57:45

and to get outside of what would usually

57:47

be considered their comfort zone and be

57:49

willing to have, what does the commercial say, like a Disney

57:51

side? Or a little bit of

57:53

an adventurous side? All of that is

57:56

totally reasonable. And I

57:58

want to highlight that idea of creative. problem-solving.

58:01

I think it is reasonable to believe

58:03

that ESFJs can be quite creative in

58:05

the problem-solving. And they

58:07

can have some pretty strong intuitive understandings

58:10

and awarenesses. They can kind of go

58:12

get what's going on and especially since

58:14

they're so tuned into people understanding

58:16

the sort of the office

58:18

politics or understanding what's going on,

58:20

you know, that person. I think you know they're

58:22

nobody's supposed to date in our department but I think those

58:25

two people even though they're like you know not really giving many

58:27

signals I think I know what's going on over there. I think

58:29

they might be dating on the down low or whatever. Like

58:31

those kinds of intuitive understandings that's

58:33

well within an ESFJ's wheelhouse. I

58:36

knew an ESFJ a few years ago who wanted

58:39

to learn Spanish and

58:42

you know there's the capacity of that memory

58:44

process. Co-pilot, you get out a book and you

58:47

study the material and you learn it over time

58:49

through a timeline. That's how you learn. She

58:52

decided to just move to Argentina. She was

58:54

American and she's moved to Argentina for six

58:56

months and took Spanish lessons in

58:59

a country that spoke the language and

59:02

you know had some other ways to support it and fund

59:04

it and all of that

59:06

but basically I think it

59:08

was her saying you know what I'm gonna I'm

59:10

gonna find a leveraged way a creative way to

59:12

learn this faster than methodically going through it.

59:14

I think there's a lot of value in the co-pilot don't get

59:17

me wrong but this gave her up like

59:19

it a way to solve a puzzle or to speed up

59:21

the process or to do it a little bit different than

59:23

most people do it and so

59:25

she got different results faster results in this

59:28

case in this scenario and could speak fluently

59:30

within six months. So that's the

59:32

kind of thing this can unlock for you

59:34

as an ESFJ. It helps you find those

59:36

like opportunities and advantages or

59:38

ways of just thinking about a little differently than

59:40

the rest of everyone that

59:42

you can get good results from it. Yeah,

59:45

you have it in you to take risks. You

59:47

know personal risks, lifestyle risks. She did. She

59:49

took a bit of a risk. Now she

59:51

wasn't married at the time and she didn't

59:53

have children so she was in a context

59:55

where that wouldn't destabilize others. Yeah. And

59:57

so that's a piece of it. Yeah, like college.

1:00:00

age, right? Yeah. Exactly. But those are

1:00:02

risks like that's the part of the expectation you

1:00:04

can have for yourself is that you can take

1:00:06

measured risks and it's gonna be okay. You've got

1:00:08

that. You have the courage in you. You have

1:00:10

a function that can lend you

1:00:12

courage to take some of those risks.

1:00:14

What's unreasonable and will

1:00:17

cause demoralization is the idea

1:00:19

that you can handle

1:00:21

a life of chaos. That

1:00:24

you can somehow just keep it

1:00:27

all together even though you don't have well-established

1:00:29

routines. That you don't have a

1:00:32

substrate of continuity. That you can just

1:00:34

be responsive and reactive and just keep it all

1:00:36

together and always anticipate needs and always anticipate what's

1:00:38

going on and not burn

1:00:40

out. So this is a function that

1:00:42

if you feel like you have to prove your ability

1:00:45

to be fun and be spontaneous and constantly

1:00:47

be doing the new cool thing and always

1:00:49

be impressive by always having what other

1:00:54

people need by pulling it out of your bag

1:00:57

and being like I've got that random thing you need. Being

1:01:00

that kind of person is too heavy a

1:01:02

lift. It creates too much

1:01:04

chaos. The idea that you can rely

1:01:06

on this function like you

1:01:09

would an adult function, right? Like somebody who

1:01:11

really can take care of and

1:01:14

handle everything. That's an unreasonable expectation. It

1:01:16

will lead to a lot of resentment.

1:01:18

Yeah. Any others? Another

1:01:21

unreasonable expectation is that you can constantly

1:01:24

be novelty seeking. This

1:01:27

is a function that likes new and novel

1:01:29

things and constant novelty

1:01:31

seeking with this function is

1:01:33

oftentimes what turns into addictions.

1:01:36

Particularly I'm thinking of things like shopping addictions

1:01:38

or maybe even gambling addictions. That like

1:01:40

looking for that hit, that dopamine hit

1:01:42

of the new and the creative and something you haven't had before.

1:01:45

The belief that you can handle that. You've

1:01:48

got it covered. You've got it handled. You

1:01:50

might want to make sure that you are not

1:01:54

over valuing its ability

1:01:56

to self-regulate. It's

1:01:59

a function that It's not

1:02:01

a function that's going to throttle some of your

1:02:03

worst impulses. So ensuring that you

1:02:05

have – like you're not – you're

1:02:07

not expecting it to self-regulate, that you

1:02:10

have other things that

1:02:12

are regulating your behavior. And

1:02:16

then the expectation that you're always going

1:02:18

to have the best creative solution or

1:02:20

that you're going to have the right intuition

1:02:22

every time or that you're always going

1:02:24

to be able to sell your idea to somebody and be

1:02:26

persuasive. It's

1:02:28

not 100% for anybody. So to feel

1:02:31

like you have maybe failed

1:02:33

if you didn't have a good

1:02:35

creative solution or that – this

1:02:38

is also a function that kind of taps into societies and

1:02:40

what's going on within society in a more

1:02:42

systematic way. And I think

1:02:44

it's a reasonable expectation to study systems and

1:02:46

to study the networks of how people engage

1:02:48

and interact. You might find that really interesting.

1:02:52

If you're into type, that's basically what's happening and what you're doing. But

1:02:54

sometimes you're not going to see the systems clearly.

1:02:58

And so just giving yourself

1:03:00

permission to be wrong sometimes or to

1:03:02

need more information or to be more

1:03:04

careful thinking it through as opposed to

1:03:07

just immediately getting something. Okay,

1:03:10

so that's the 10-year-old, which

1:03:12

again, proper expectations here. I

1:03:15

think the other thing to mention

1:03:17

is this is the opposite of

1:03:19

the copilot of memory, introverted sensing.

1:03:22

So extroverted intuition or

1:03:25

exploration, when it's activated, memory

1:03:27

is kind of diminished or turned off in a

1:03:29

way. You could almost see it as a coin

1:03:31

where you're seeing one side showing and the other one's

1:03:33

facing down. And so if

1:03:35

you're activating your copilot of memories in

1:03:37

ESFJ, your exploration is diminished

1:03:40

or shut down. So

1:03:42

when we think about that, we're like, well, how do

1:03:44

I move through life if two parts of me seemingly

1:03:46

are at odds? Like if one is turned

1:03:48

on and I'm activating that through my

1:03:51

personality, well, how do I deal with that?

1:03:54

Well, almost imagine what happens if you take that coin and you

1:03:56

pick it up and you put it on its side and you

1:03:58

fling it. And it

1:04:00

spins, and when it spins so

1:04:02

fast, it's hard to see which side's facing you.

1:04:05

They're oscillating so quickly. And I

1:04:07

think what we're – what we would suggest, and

1:04:09

we have suggested to many clients and people we've

1:04:11

coached, is a balance between these two energies creates

1:04:15

almost like that spinning coin effect

1:04:17

where you're able to go between

1:04:20

them with

1:04:23

finesse, quite frankly, with a lot of grace

1:04:27

and usability for your cognition. That

1:04:29

you're showing up having both of

1:04:31

these parts represented. You're not just overvaluing one or

1:04:34

the other, and they're in their proper placement and

1:04:36

balance. And I think that also puts

1:04:38

an ESFJ on footing to go, you know, I

1:04:40

love myself because I've got all these things

1:04:43

balanced and operating. I don't feel like one

1:04:45

thing in my sense of personality

1:04:47

is hijacking my life, and I

1:04:49

actually like myself and love myself because I think

1:04:51

I'm doing well in all of this. Yeah.

1:04:54

Carl Jung called that a transcendent

1:04:56

function when we are able

1:04:58

to take polarity opposites like the sensing

1:05:01

and the intuitive. They're the opposite,

1:05:03

and one's introverted sensing, and the other

1:05:05

one's extroverted intuition. So those are opposites

1:05:08

in every way. And

1:05:11

when a person can figure out

1:05:13

how to get them to work in tandem with

1:05:16

each other, to work together, he called that transcendence.

1:05:19

So how does one do that? Well, if

1:05:21

introverted sensing or memory has a parental energy,

1:05:24

an extroverted intuition

1:05:26

or exploration has

1:05:28

an eternal child energy. When

1:05:32

that part of you is seeking

1:05:34

approval, it's seeking this – a

1:05:37

relief from the sense of uncertainty, the

1:05:40

best way to do that is to ask

1:05:42

the parent function, are we

1:05:45

okay? It's like don't seek approval from

1:05:47

the outside world, seek approval from the parental

1:05:50

energy. And so extroverted

1:05:52

intuition or exploration is – it's

1:05:55

a disruptive function, but that's okay. You

1:05:57

can allow for disruptions at times. It's

1:06:00

seeking novelty, it's seeking new, it's doing the

1:06:02

opposite of looking for consistency and routine, and

1:06:04

it's trying to disrupt something to just see

1:06:06

what happens. And you're allowed

1:06:08

to have some of that, but only

1:06:10

if you're not disrupting this – again,

1:06:13

I'll use the word the substrate of

1:06:15

your life, like the routines you've laid.

1:06:18

And I don't mean like every once in a

1:06:20

while, I mean like in an inability to establish

1:06:22

a routine. You've got so much

1:06:25

of that child energy sort of taking

1:06:27

over, you won't be able to lay the tracks of

1:06:29

a routine at all. And so you

1:06:31

want to make sure that your parental function,

1:06:34

particularly in self-parenting, is already established.

1:06:36

You've got your routines. You've got

1:06:38

your continuity. You've got your sense

1:06:40

of responsibility. You've got

1:06:42

those careful details managed, and you've got

1:06:45

that sense that people can rely on

1:06:47

you. And now you're adding

1:06:49

the fun, the effervescent, the creative thinking, the

1:06:51

novelty. Now you're adding that on top of

1:06:53

it. And that's okay. That's

1:06:55

a perfect balance between those two things. You

1:06:58

just don't want to give too much power

1:07:00

to the eternal child energy, and you don't

1:07:02

want to be avoiding that parental energy of

1:07:04

memory or introverted sensing. So

1:07:07

let's talk about that three-year-old inferior

1:07:09

cognitive function. Introverted thinking is

1:07:12

the technical name. Its nickname

1:07:14

is accuracy. And

1:07:16

I think that ESFJs

1:07:19

will probably experience this both

1:07:21

in their desire to be precise

1:07:23

and accurate around information, things

1:07:26

like it could be things like how you write and

1:07:28

punctuation and grammar. That's where

1:07:30

it could be applied. But also, sometimes ESFJs

1:07:32

report that they have this inner mean critic

1:07:36

that can talk about other people and

1:07:38

maybe be critical, but man, is it about the

1:07:40

self. It's just this inner of what you're not

1:07:42

good enough, you didn't do that good enough, you're

1:07:45

stupid, you're not worthy of

1:07:47

that, just like this voice that's running

1:07:49

in the head constantly, this inner dialogue

1:07:51

telling them that they don't

1:07:53

deserve whatever. They're not good enough. And man, that

1:07:55

could really – I mean, talk

1:07:57

about not being able to show yourself love if that voice is running all

1:07:59

over you. I wouldn't feel very good

1:08:01

about myself to love myself. So

1:08:04

let's talk about this. I think that's going

1:08:06

to resonate with a lot of ESFJs listening.

1:08:08

Yeah. So just like introverted sensing or memory

1:08:10

and extroverted intuition or exploration are two sides

1:08:12

of the same coin. So

1:08:15

it's extroverted feeling and harmony, the

1:08:17

driver, and this three-year-old of introverted

1:08:20

thinking or accuracy. They're also polarity

1:08:22

opposites. But unlike that

1:08:24

copilot in 10-year-old, that parent and

1:08:26

child energy that John – Dr.

1:08:29

John Beebe calls that

1:08:31

the axis of relating to others.

1:08:34

So that copilot in 10-year-old

1:08:36

is more about contribution. It's more about our relationship

1:08:39

to the outside world. The

1:08:41

driver and the three-year-old are what's called the

1:08:43

dominant and inferior. That's the axis

1:08:45

of relating to self. So that's

1:08:47

our relationship with ourselves. That's me for me.

1:08:51

And we are

1:08:53

still in uncertain territory, but unlike the

1:08:55

10-year-old or the eternal child that when

1:08:57

they feel uncertain, because that's part of

1:08:59

our relationship to other people, we can just look around and go, did

1:09:02

I do that well? Am I doing okay? And

1:09:05

if other people give us approval, we kind of calm

1:09:07

down, right? We go, okay. I feel a little

1:09:09

more certain now. But because

1:09:11

this part of ourselves is our

1:09:13

relationship to ourselves and

1:09:15

it's uncertain, we can't get other

1:09:17

people to tell us that we're good at this and have

1:09:20

it calm us down. In fact,

1:09:22

sometimes we'll try that methodology, and

1:09:24

it just won't work, and we'll

1:09:26

try it again, and it just won't work. One

1:09:29

way that this looks for people with ESFJ preferences

1:09:31

is you might actually be

1:09:33

very credentialed. Introverted

1:09:35

thinking or accuracy is about –

1:09:38

it's about information and data. Well,

1:09:40

really what it is is it's about logical

1:09:42

consistency. It's about things

1:09:45

making sense, and outside

1:09:47

of social

1:09:49

truth or social impact.

1:09:52

Extroverted feeling or harmony, that's all about

1:09:54

rapport with other people. It's all about

1:09:56

our relationships and truth,

1:09:59

things that are important. makes sense to us

1:10:01

as individuals outside of our relationships, those

1:10:04

are just naturally divisive. What

1:10:07

was that one quote that

1:10:09

you recently said that the cost of

1:10:11

telling the truth or the cost

1:10:13

of being honest is

1:10:16

that you're going to risk offense? Yeah,

1:10:18

a kid from Eben, Pagan, one of

1:10:20

our mentors said that, yeah, the cost

1:10:22

of truth is the risk

1:10:24

of offense. I think it's how it goes. Something around

1:10:26

that line. Yeah, because no two

1:10:28

people, if you really drill down

1:10:30

and figure out what

1:10:32

makes sense to you as an individual,

1:10:34

no two people have the same wiring. They don't

1:10:37

have the same experiences. There

1:10:39

are too many variations in what it means

1:10:41

to be a person to always come

1:10:43

to the same conclusion as each other. This

1:10:47

is a function that feels like it's risking

1:10:49

divisiveness. It's risking that if I

1:10:51

communicate what actually makes sense to me,

1:10:53

what I'm actually thinking, especially if it's in contrast

1:10:55

to the rest of the group, that

1:10:59

I'm going to be dogpiled. People

1:11:01

won't get it. Because it's

1:11:03

an uncertain function, there's not

1:11:05

that certainty of fighting for your

1:11:08

own viewpoint, fighting for your own

1:11:10

opinion. Now, you might have shored up

1:11:12

– sometimes you can do it.

1:11:14

Sometimes you can sort of shore up some confidence and

1:11:16

some grit and go, no, this is what I think.

1:11:20

But it almost always gets

1:11:22

flooded or immediately is followed

1:11:24

with a chaser of, should

1:11:26

I have said that? Should I – like, was I

1:11:28

right about that? How do I know? And

1:11:30

so in the inner dialogue, even if the

1:11:32

outer appearance, even if the persona appears to

1:11:35

be quite confident in one's opinion, the

1:11:37

inner dialogue is not matching that. It's uncertainty. It's

1:11:40

questioning. It's like, oh, did I just sound dumb

1:11:42

there? Was I supposed to share my opinion? Is

1:11:44

it okay if it's different than the rest of

1:11:46

the group? So I think that's one of

1:11:48

the reasons why it manifests the way you're

1:11:50

describing. Absolutely. And we're talking about

1:11:52

it's like most extreme form, critical.

1:11:55

It's trying to be calibrative. It's trying

1:11:57

to – in its best intention. It's

1:12:00

trying to help us calibrate and be better and

1:12:02

with better thoughts, but if

1:12:04

it's way down there and there's uncertainty, you might

1:12:06

just hear criticism, not calibration, right?

1:12:08

That's what you're hearing. I just want to say on

1:12:10

the surface level though, if you zoom way out of

1:12:12

more of the more challenging

1:12:15

material there, thoughts are

1:12:17

not fun. I mean I'm sorry. I

1:12:19

know you're a thinker, Antonia, but the moment

1:12:21

you bring thinking and logic into an environment

1:12:23

or to experience… It kills the

1:12:25

vibe, man. Yeah. I mean just imagine

1:12:28

the scene of the movie, the movie scene where people

1:12:30

in a club like, woohoo, and the music's pumping and

1:12:32

blaring and everyone's having a good time. And that scene

1:12:34

in the movie where you're – it's

1:12:36

like those 80s movie trips where they're like holding a drink

1:12:38

or everybody's having fun and the nerdy guy comes up to

1:12:40

talk to the girl during the big vibe time. And he's

1:12:43

trying to introduce some kind of like, you don't

1:12:45

have a computer and he's logically talking. Well,

1:12:47

actually. Yeah, well actually,

1:12:49

like with all this – and it's like, ooh, and the girl's

1:12:51

kind of like – high school girls turn away from her. Girls

1:12:53

just turn away and they go on. It's like, oh, this guy's

1:12:55

killing the vibe. It's also

1:12:57

that, but take that inside of yourself, right?

1:13:00

That's the movie scene of it. But

1:13:02

imagine you're connecting with

1:13:04

people and meeting needs, and you're exploring

1:13:06

even with your 10-year-old process. And

1:13:10

you're in a carbonated fun, and you all of

1:13:12

a sudden have to go into thinking deeply

1:13:14

about this concept and a logical consistency. Well,

1:13:17

you can't be in that fun space when you go

1:13:20

there, so I don't want to kill what's happening. So

1:13:23

it's not just that it has the critic. It's also –

1:13:25

it's not a natural place you're just going to want to

1:13:27

go because it's going to feel like

1:13:29

it's taking you away from the experience

1:13:32

that's much more – like it

1:13:34

feels better to have. But this

1:13:36

is a very important part of yourself. Well, by

1:13:38

the same token, there's also

1:13:40

a lot that comes along with extroverted

1:13:43

feeling or harmony that isn't just fun,

1:13:45

rapport, and vibe. Exactly. There's

1:13:47

a lot of – there's a lot of work involved.

1:13:49

Getting people's needs met, attuning to the social or relational

1:13:51

dynamics. Yeah. That person

1:13:54

that you're hanging out with with a group of friends,

1:13:56

now you get together every

1:13:58

week. Now the third week, that's – same person is

1:14:01

starting to talk about their problems again and their

1:14:03

needs and you guys, you know that all of

1:14:06

you and your friends have given them attention. And

1:14:09

now it's like this part of you that this

1:14:11

little three-year-old part, this accuracy goes, you know what,

1:14:13

this is actually not okay anymore. Like

1:14:16

my logic, my internal truth says that

1:14:18

they need to, it makes sense to

1:14:20

me as well as the vibe for

1:14:22

everybody that we actually don't talk about their needs this

1:14:24

week. And this is the part of

1:14:26

you I think is in ESFJ that now can have

1:14:28

the clarity to establish the boundaries

1:14:31

and the parameters to

1:14:33

support the thing that you do

1:14:35

so well with your driver. Because doing

1:14:37

all that hard work with with Harmony

1:14:40

without something to calibrate it and

1:14:42

support it to say no that's not

1:14:45

okay, okay that's okay and have judicious

1:14:47

attunement of your function as a support

1:14:49

structure, you're kind of a

1:14:51

sitting duck and you'll get taken advantage of or

1:14:53

just get over like you'll

1:14:56

burn out or you'll feel resentful

1:14:58

or whatever fill in the emotion you might

1:15:00

have. So this is so important to calibrate

1:15:02

that harmony too. Oh yeah absolutely and just

1:15:04

on its own merits. The

1:15:07

function is there to remind everybody but especially

1:15:09

people who have it in their car model,

1:15:11

you have a right to your own opinion.

1:15:13

Oh yeah. You're allowed to believe whatever makes

1:15:15

sense to you and one

1:15:18

of the challenges... Even if the group disagrees.

1:15:20

Well that's one of the challenges of extroverted

1:15:22

feeling or harmony is that because it doesn't

1:15:24

like to offend that sense of rapport, sometimes

1:15:28

it will kind of brush

1:15:30

things under a rug or you know allow

1:15:32

people to think believe that the

1:15:34

person using that function thinks something different than

1:15:36

they think you know like you all think

1:15:39

like you think like us don't you and

1:15:41

that function will have a tendency to

1:15:43

go along to get along. Harmony.

1:15:47

Harmony Exactly. Introverted thinking or

1:15:49

accuracy does not. In fact

1:15:51

it takes a hit. Every time it doesn't

1:15:53

represent its own truth, every

1:15:55

time it like other people

1:15:57

misrepresent what it thinks, it's

1:15:59

not happy about that. And while

1:16:03

people with ESFJ preferences

1:16:05

should be prioritizing relational

1:16:07

information over things

1:16:10

that are logically congruent and consistent, there's

1:16:12

a reason it falls in that stack. At

1:16:15

the end of the day, this function

1:16:17

reminds you that you have a right to disagree.

1:16:19

You have a right to have your own opinion. You

1:16:21

don't always have to share it if you don't want

1:16:23

to, but sometimes you do need to. Sometimes it's crucial

1:16:25

and critical to share your opinion, and

1:16:28

particularly when it comes to being

1:16:30

honest. This

1:16:32

is a function that keeps us

1:16:34

honest, right? It keeps us, one

1:16:36

could call radically honest. And

1:16:40

there's a lot of white lies we tell

1:16:42

in society for social lubrication,

1:16:45

and there's nothing wrong

1:16:47

with it. It's not like if the person doesn't look good

1:16:49

in a dress and they ask you if you look good,

1:16:51

if they look good and you say, yes, you look beautiful,

1:16:54

or whatever. It's not like, oh, you're

1:16:56

just chipping away at your soul with

1:16:58

all those lies. I mean, there's a

1:17:00

value to having a little bit of peace

1:17:03

amongst people. I call it a social

1:17:05

truth. Yeah, right. It's true socially. It

1:17:09

may not be accurate or truthful, like

1:17:11

one's zero truth, but it's a social

1:17:13

truth. And there

1:17:16

are times when a person asks you if they look good

1:17:18

in that dress, and you know it's a really important night for

1:17:20

them. You know whether or not they

1:17:22

look good in that dress really means something to

1:17:24

that individual. It's not a casual question. And

1:17:27

you think that actually they don't look that great

1:17:29

in it, and you know that this would be like a true lie

1:17:31

to your friend. It would be doing

1:17:33

them a disservice. In that moment, it's not just

1:17:36

a quick little, like, you know, yeah,

1:17:38

you're fine. You look great. Let's go. It's

1:17:40

something that has more weight to it.

1:17:42

So the expectation of this

1:17:44

function is first that it's deeply uncertain,

1:17:47

and it will never be something that

1:17:49

you use as a primary decision-making process.

1:17:51

You're never gonna lean on it as

1:17:53

heavily as you lean on your feeling

1:17:55

function because it's just never going to

1:17:57

be, it's never going to feel... that

1:18:00

same sense of confidence. But

1:18:03

you do need to set some expectations.

1:18:05

And the expectation you can set is that

1:18:08

you can be honest. You can be

1:18:10

honest with yourself and you can be honest with other

1:18:12

people when it matters, when there's weight

1:18:14

to it, when you know that there

1:18:16

are implications. The

1:18:19

second is that you can be

1:18:21

logically consistent with your own opinions,

1:18:24

meaning that you are smart and

1:18:26

you can think things through

1:18:28

and come to intelligent conclusions, that you're not

1:18:30

somebody that just goes, oh, I don't like

1:18:32

to think about that. People

1:18:35

with ESFJ preferences, particularly

1:18:37

when they really start to explore this

1:18:39

part of themselves, have a surprising

1:18:41

amount of computing capacity. It's

1:18:44

not as fun, like you said, as maybe sort

1:18:46

of socially interacting, but that doesn't mean that they don't

1:18:48

have the ability to study,

1:18:50

to understand, to come to logical

1:18:53

and reasonable conclusions to get what's going on, to

1:18:56

be able to be what's called

1:18:58

disassociated from themselves for a minute,

1:19:01

to really look at something dispassionately

1:19:04

and understand what the core principles

1:19:06

of it are. What's

1:19:08

the core of this? And

1:19:10

what doesn't change no matter who's involved?

1:19:13

What are those core principles? And so

1:19:15

you should have an expectation that you

1:19:18

are a reasonable, logical person that

1:19:20

is honest with yourself, honest with other people,

1:19:23

particularly when there's weight to it, and

1:19:25

that you're a person that can figure things out. I

1:19:29

also want to inject something here

1:19:31

specific to

1:19:33

ESFJ men that I

1:19:35

want to give some comments to.

1:19:39

As an ESFJ man, and depending on your context,

1:19:41

everybody's different and comes from a different background, so

1:19:43

I'm going to speak to the ESFJ man that

1:19:45

this applies to. There are

1:19:48

some circles that you grew up in that

1:19:50

have socially conditioned you to

1:19:53

feel like in order to be the

1:19:55

man or a man or masculine with

1:19:57

masculine qualities, You have to. You.

1:20:00

Have to turn down the part of view

1:20:02

that as your driver that your harmony process

1:20:04

that's a little bit more attuned to the

1:20:06

nurturing elements of life. I think that that

1:20:09

process can be deeply masculine express itself that

1:20:11

way but sometimes use if jay men get

1:20:13

the message from their culture the a socially

1:20:15

conditioned. That. The manly part of them

1:20:17

are the mask in part of them as they're sinking part

1:20:19

which is this three year old. And.

1:20:21

So sometimes they can put outsized

1:20:24

expectations on this part of their

1:20:26

personality. Because. of

1:20:28

a misinformed message they got from the world which

1:20:30

and also the harmony process itself as a make

1:20:32

this an easier if the if the social conditioning

1:20:35

the you see around you. Or.

1:20:37

That's how a man is expected. The expectation

1:20:39

is expected to show up. Oh man. So

1:20:41

I need to put more effort and wait

1:20:43

on this part of me. That maybe how

1:20:45

a lot of uncertainty around As and yes,

1:20:47

if Jay wired that way. And

1:20:49

then do All this contortion are all heavy expectation

1:20:52

for a part of you that was never intended

1:20:54

to have that kind of expectation. it is a

1:20:56

deeply. Important. Part of you and

1:20:58

it is. Helping. You think and do

1:21:00

all these things, but it is not. It is not.

1:21:03

The only place that you can show up. Meeting.

1:21:06

The other expectations the social conditioning my give you

1:21:08

the would like to meet. and as for people

1:21:10

that you know men that resonate with those social

1:21:13

messages that want to step into that. Not.

1:21:15

Every man does. But. The ones that

1:21:17

do sometimes have a hard time when they feel

1:21:19

really bad about themselves. And the road self

1:21:22

love because they think they have to do it in the way.

1:21:24

That. Society is conditioning specifically.

1:21:28

And. So I just wanna make that comment that if that

1:21:30

is you. Give. Yourself permission to

1:21:32

express yourself as a man in the way that

1:21:34

makes sense for you that puts you on the

1:21:36

footing that lousy to show up in. An

1:21:39

honest way. Not in the way that

1:21:41

you've been conditioned to any stereotypes of

1:21:43

what that means. I'm and

1:21:46

I think that you can definitely express

1:21:48

a. Masculine. And manly in

1:21:50

those ways. But don't let. Don't. Let

1:21:52

are also images of other men may be that august

1:21:55

do with the way that this guy that I know

1:21:57

did it and all the i think that's an important

1:21:59

message for. Particularly effective and.

1:22:01

Yeah, look as extroverted feeling or harmony. Picks

1:22:03

up on social cues so easily here, and

1:22:05

I'm and. It does. It fills the sense

1:22:07

of responsibility to. Some other social cues

1:22:10

and yet there is a lot

1:22:12

of masculinity that can be represented

1:22:14

an extroverted feeling or harmony of

1:22:16

Zulu and doesn't need the thinking.

1:22:18

Function said like somehow completed in

1:22:20

it's Masculinity Ussr. I think that

1:22:22

the great thing to mention I'm

1:22:24

so ah, if we go to

1:22:26

work can't be expected then yeah

1:22:29

yeah, what? What should not be

1:22:31

a part of the expectation is

1:22:33

an rapid fire analytical and l

1:22:35

or a logical analysis like. Do.

1:22:37

You can expect herself to be a

1:22:39

person. Who can think things through? But it's points

1:22:42

of it's going to build on itself. It's gonna

1:22:44

be something that needs some time to really think

1:22:46

through. Because. You're not spending

1:22:48

as much. Free Time building like

1:22:50

sort of the all of the i'm

1:22:53

economic call it the pre wiring or

1:22:55

it's a third, the neuro I'm that

1:22:57

the. To. Synaptic

1:22:59

wiring. To very quickly something out on

1:23:02

a logical basis so it's not the ability to

1:23:04

process are things going through your time with the

1:23:06

speed of it's almost like the with the measure

1:23:08

I q in and how fast not just getting

1:23:10

the radius around fast to give me answer for

1:23:12

it's a it's one of those things where I'm

1:23:14

You know that it's kind of like. If

1:23:17

a person is an early responder, Then.

1:23:20

When something happens around them thermal, it's almost instantaneously

1:23:22

jumping up and attending to it because they have

1:23:25

the muscle memory for it. The but if somebody

1:23:27

is not an early responder and an emergency happens,

1:23:29

it's a minute it all into it. It's orientate

1:23:31

guys and go. or and they might do beautifully

1:23:34

rent the mates to perfectly well but they're not

1:23:36

the early responder. And so

1:23:38

because it's function is. At

1:23:40

the three year olds are in that field position.

1:23:42

yeah you have all of them ability to do

1:23:45

it. You just might not have the muscle memory

1:23:47

to do it as quickly as somebody who say

1:23:49

has this is their driver function. Your. So

1:23:51

kind of give your so fluid time to process things.

1:23:53

right? A little bit of in only like not

1:23:55

expecting yourself to. Have the the answer immediately.

1:23:58

It takes a second and that. Perfectly

1:24:00

acceptable for just take that

1:24:02

as a reasonable expectation. Also

1:24:05

I there's a new can

1:24:07

manage over thinking. But.

1:24:10

What you can't manage is that you

1:24:12

will always question yourself. You're part of

1:24:14

the expectation is that it is an

1:24:16

uncertain function. So I've been making it

1:24:19

an integrated part of who you are

1:24:21

like integrating into the rest of your

1:24:23

i am of your personality which is

1:24:25

very important. To do that doesn't

1:24:27

mean getting to. A point where you feel

1:24:29

like you've mastered it and it no longer makes

1:24:31

you question yourself. It. Actually means that

1:24:34

you have to expand your comfort zone

1:24:36

to include some uncertainty in it. So.

1:24:38

On if you share your opinion. And

1:24:41

it's crickets by it and nobody says anything

1:24:43

and they just move on. That

1:24:46

moment of like oh gosh they say the wrong

1:24:48

thing ray or is everybody does it really hate

1:24:50

me now or did I just sounds stupid There's

1:24:52

a sense to question Mark I'm not certain was

1:24:55

well as eye on. What I just said was

1:24:57

i mean you're right that everybody take a that

1:24:59

I was being rude right? That's the other side

1:25:01

It might not be I'm done That might be

1:25:03

that I'm rude. All. These

1:25:05

threat. But that those those questions

1:25:08

will never go away, you just

1:25:10

have to make space for them.

1:25:12

And just go. Well, I guess

1:25:14

if I was. Somebody. Will let me know.

1:25:17

right? Like that or I can ask.

1:25:19

leader. But it's not a moment

1:25:21

of like oh gosh, now I have to beat

1:25:24

myself up for it now like now. have to

1:25:26

get insecure about it off everybody thinks I'm the

1:25:28

stupid or everybody thinks I'm so rude or every

1:25:30

be ios. it's like a link to com. The

1:25:33

chaos Down Like Understand that

1:25:35

that question. Doesn't mean

1:25:37

something's wrong, it just means you're uncertain.

1:25:39

It's not a red flag, so. Ah,

1:25:42

that's part of the expectation setting is

1:25:44

that there's always that it's just be

1:25:46

a little bit of that in their

1:25:48

ah the other. And to

1:25:50

your point Joelle Talking about Me being men.

1:25:52

Who have he is such a preferences? At.

1:25:55

Don't neglect your driver in

1:25:57

behalf of dysfunction the three,

1:25:59

or function because you think

1:26:01

that the world values. It more.

1:26:03

Like. Don't neglect. Your emotions, Your

1:26:06

natural talent for emotional intelligence.

1:26:08

In behalf of some. Sort of analytic intelligence

1:26:11

if you think that's me. And.

1:26:13

You might have been reason may be a family that

1:26:15

really valued it. To. I that's

1:26:17

it's. just not gonna work out for

1:26:20

you if you overvalued. This part if you

1:26:22

think this is what the crate to your spouse

1:26:24

be making a decision for. Give

1:26:26

yourself permission to have it. Be. Part of your

1:26:28

decision making. Part of

1:26:30

the process but at the end of the

1:26:32

day. It's. Really your driver the should

1:26:34

be choosing right to be extroverted feeling or

1:26:37

harmony with. This part now if

1:26:39

you bring them together. What?

1:26:41

You'll have is you have somebody who has a

1:26:43

lot of emotional intelligence has been creating the high.

1:26:45

Expectations for understanding how to develop

1:26:48

that. The best relationships. The high

1:26:50

quality relationships. Release in a place

1:26:52

where you are doing conflict. Resolution and that

1:26:55

you are making sure that you're anticipating what

1:26:57

you know, like a group needs. while

1:26:59

at the same time staying true to your

1:27:01

own opinions, What? Makes sense to you

1:27:03

entered for at that. Are true for you

1:27:06

read like like: be radically honest. At

1:27:08

least with yourself. so I'm It is reasonable

1:27:10

that you can be honest with yourself that

1:27:12

you can own thing. You can own mistakes.

1:27:15

It's not reasonable to believe that you

1:27:17

will always be handling this part of

1:27:19

yourself perfectly. And the and that

1:27:21

it can be a primary decision making Some. Said

1:27:24

it just needs to beautify. Your

1:27:26

driver function. Of feeling. and

1:27:28

there's a perfectionist streak.

1:27:31

That. Most Sj personality types

1:27:33

house. And it's because they're not

1:27:35

sure what to do with this part of who

1:27:37

they are when it gets real pedantic. And

1:27:40

you use the word before that is perfect.

1:27:42

You said it's an auditor. And

1:27:44

that's what it's doing, it's seeking.

1:27:47

Ah, Areas and opportunities for

1:27:49

improvement. if the calibrate of part

1:27:51

of you. And

1:27:53

it's the personalized. So

1:27:56

when you have some, when you

1:27:58

have these questions come up. right?

1:28:00

Oh did I sound stupid. That's.

1:28:02

Not A. that's not as good a question as you

1:28:04

could be asking. It's not whether no other people think

1:28:07

you sound stupid, it's whether or not what you just

1:28:09

said make sense to you. and if there's any way

1:28:11

that you could. Meet the sink a little bit wanker

1:28:13

on it. What? What part of that

1:28:15

argument? or were part that opinion that I just

1:28:17

shared? What part of it is something I haven't

1:28:19

thought. Through yet, but that's what the auditors doing is

1:28:21

going. Are you sure you thought this all the way

1:28:23

through? Are you sure you have the receipts for this?

1:28:25

Are you sure that's your opinion? That's.

1:28:28

Okay, that is asking that question just counter it

1:28:30

with either. Know I thought a lot about this.

1:28:33

Or. Know, I probably do Needs a

1:28:35

little bit more about this and that's okay.

1:28:37

it's totally fine. So. Allow

1:28:39

it to audit but not critique.

1:28:42

Allow it to be something that helps

1:28:44

calibrates, but does it become a perfectionist

1:28:46

and demoralize you? Do. Anything

1:28:49

else on the three year old before we move on

1:28:52

to the lesson we can all learn. An

1:28:55

insists you can I is just like

1:28:57

you'd to have that spinning coin concept

1:28:59

with the copilot and ten year old.

1:29:01

The same transcendent abilities are available in

1:29:03

the driver and three year old and

1:29:05

a one of the ways you'll see

1:29:07

these two. You know this. These two

1:29:10

functions really creating transcendence is A when

1:29:12

the ears J. Gets

1:29:14

a little bit more honest. I'm

1:29:16

doesn't rely on things like are

1:29:18

being passive aggressive. Like they're they're

1:29:21

directs, and they really do have a

1:29:23

good thing from the pulse of their

1:29:25

boundaries. There's this that since the

1:29:27

seasoning. That comes from any us of che. That really

1:29:29

has integrated this part of who they are. And.

1:29:32

At created us spinning coin of keeping

1:29:34

your finger on the tabs of the

1:29:36

people. In your life relationships called her

1:29:38

a however, but he's doing well

1:29:41

at the same time checking in

1:29:43

with yourself, How what you think

1:29:45

about things making sweeping true to with honest

1:29:47

for you. And A and then

1:29:49

communicating. Those truth when the situation would

1:29:52

be improved by it's. Okay,

1:29:54

so what's tune in to you. The

1:29:56

rest of all of us, the rest of all of us,

1:29:58

a whole. The rest of us says. The that

1:30:00

the other fifteen types that aren't yes if

1:30:02

jay. And. Tuning into what

1:30:04

we can take away from the ears

1:30:07

of J the has these things in

1:30:09

proper balance. A has created the expectations

1:30:11

hikes, petitions the driver copilot, A.

1:30:13

Proper expeditions to the back seat of their car. so

1:30:15

get. Just. To quickly review because it's

1:30:17

been awhile. Been talking about this for a minute.

1:30:20

I we looked at the esafety owners

1:30:22

manuals personality the we have available for

1:30:24

all types but we look at that

1:30:27

one specifically. over percent are going are

1:30:29

com. We took the car model of

1:30:31

personality we pull that out and we

1:30:34

use as a framework to look at

1:30:36

the cognitive functions, the mental processes that

1:30:38

yes if Jays use and which are

1:30:40

driver of extroverted feeling or harmony. Copilot

1:30:43

of introverted sensing or memory.

1:30:46

Ten year old of

1:30:48

extroverted intuition or exploration.

1:30:50

And three year old of introverted thinking

1:30:53

or accuracy. These are the cognitive processes

1:30:55

running in India of Jay's mind in

1:30:57

their personality. That's with your safety points.

1:30:59

Do all that. so we talked about

1:31:02

be proper expectations The driver and co

1:31:04

pilot High expectations. You

1:31:06

can do more than you're probably doing and you

1:31:08

have higher capacity. Go. And expect that

1:31:11

from yourself. see if you can rise the

1:31:13

cage and develop. Those parts were. And an

1:31:15

ad i don't know thing made this clear, but.

1:31:18

It's not one of the things you

1:31:20

eventually a cheese and either. Okay, I

1:31:22

developed those function so I'm done. Yeah,

1:31:24

it the expectation is actually that there's

1:31:27

no end to developing it lifetime. You're.

1:31:29

Always having as high expectations of yourself

1:31:31

because you know you can always be

1:31:33

picking up all of the are all

1:31:35

of the experiences in The Wisdom that

1:31:37

you're constantly dell. You're constantly going through

1:31:39

life in picking up new wisdom. And.

1:31:42

Then you can put it back and recycle

1:31:44

it back into those functions and do even

1:31:46

better so you're not disappointed with yourself. You.

1:31:49

Have a good relationship with yourself. You

1:31:51

don't have disappointed because you're sitting a

1:31:53

stations ever increasing them rising to them,

1:31:55

watching yourself overcome obstacles in increase capacity

1:31:58

and are like you know what? That's.

1:32:00

A channel of self love. You open up

1:32:02

that channels of love. Now. In the

1:32:05

backseat a ten year old three year old.

1:32:07

You have proper expectations. reasonable expectations. These are

1:32:09

more uncertain parts of yourself says your high

1:32:11

expectations. And. You don't meet them. Where.

1:32:13

You're going to a road the channel

1:32:15

for self love, right? You. This. Channel

1:32:18

A Self Love is ah,

1:32:20

it's. The relationship yourself allows that

1:32:22

love to be passed back and forth and

1:32:24

so having proper citizens here. Put.

1:32:26

You to please Real like. You know what? I

1:32:29

can handle these things On expecting too much, I'm

1:32:31

doing what I can do at the level that

1:32:33

I can do it okay. And that also opens

1:32:35

up a channel for self love. And you don't

1:32:37

get demoralized straight. They don't. Like I'll never get this

1:32:39

and it's I. Don't worry, All of us

1:32:41

have one of those younger like were lol never get

1:32:44

this so as we didn't San Antonia we look at

1:32:46

the car model from the is if the owners manual

1:32:48

and we look at the functions. What's.

1:32:50

The principal, if any as of the has all these

1:32:52

things in place in their ballots and they're doing this.

1:32:54

I look at them. What's. The me

1:32:56

on observe what's the behavior a way that they show

1:32:59

up the world that I can learn from. As

1:33:01

we talk about yes if jay self love

1:33:03

this so the phrase them I've chosen for

1:33:06

this type and lesson we can all learn

1:33:08

when we see a D S J that

1:33:10

has. Unlocked. How

1:33:12

to show themselves love in the way

1:33:15

that we're talking about. So on. So

1:33:17

they are. A well developed version.

1:33:20

They. Are version that's. Doesn't.

1:33:23

Judge neutral things. Right doesn't hold

1:33:25

too tightly to things that are may be battles

1:33:27

that should be picked. While at the same

1:33:29

time making sure that they set clear

1:33:31

boundaries and. You. Know fight the

1:33:33

battle that are important. There's. A sense

1:33:36

of scratched said. there's a sense

1:33:38

of i'm at you don't like

1:33:40

a that continuity, that responsibility, that

1:33:43

routine with enough to spontaneous fun

1:33:45

and ability to be adaptable to

1:33:47

make life a little the little

1:33:50

more interesting. Ah, and at the

1:33:52

same time they've discovered how to

1:33:54

be honest with. themselves they discovered

1:33:56

the importance of giving themselves permission to

1:33:59

have their own even if

1:34:01

it's different from everybody else. The

1:34:04

ability to own the things they need

1:34:06

to own without it turning into a

1:34:08

self-lashing session of just beating yourself up.

1:34:14

They've let go of perfectionism. They've

1:34:16

let go of this need to be perfect or

1:34:18

to be the ultimate in everything. They're

1:34:20

just who they are, and they show up

1:34:22

with their gifts, and they do the best

1:34:24

they can, and they have a network of

1:34:26

amazing people in their life and wonderful relationships,

1:34:28

and they're grounded. And they just really –

1:34:31

they're very self-possessed.

1:34:35

So the words I'm using to describe an

1:34:37

ESFJ like that is a thoughtful

1:34:40

shepherd because

1:34:42

there's a shepherding component to

1:34:45

particularly extroverted feeling or harmony.

1:34:48

It makes sure that everybody's

1:34:50

okay, and it considers

1:34:53

not just what everybody needs, but

1:34:55

it sort of gathers people together

1:34:57

and points them in the direction of

1:35:00

what needs to happen. And

1:35:02

so there's a lot

1:35:04

of leadership wrapped into that, but

1:35:06

when they get to that point of showing themselves

1:35:08

love, then they

1:35:11

don't mind it taking a little

1:35:13

longer. They don't mind needing to be patient. They

1:35:15

don't mind that there are things that might get

1:35:18

in the way and that they've

1:35:20

watched themselves overcome obstacles, and so they can

1:35:22

do it with some thoughtfulness. They can lead

1:35:24

people with a sense of maturity,

1:35:27

and again, not pick battles that are

1:35:29

unnecessary. There's a discretion that comes in

1:35:31

here that allows them to – even if

1:35:33

– even what their shepherding is their own little family, right?

1:35:36

They're able to help guide them to where

1:35:38

they need to go that's in everybody's best interest.

1:35:42

I like Leiden in that concept is you

1:35:44

know your flock, meaning you know

1:35:46

where your edges are. That

1:35:49

concept would go all the way back to the very beginning

1:35:51

of like, well, I have the availability to friend everybody on

1:35:53

the planet. It's Like that's not all

1:35:55

your flock. A Shepherd knows who – like who

1:35:57

is in their social life. The

1:36:00

group or circle the understand that a

1:36:02

may have parameters around that know everybody

1:36:04

is your flock, not everybody's with you

1:36:06

in this. It's judicious, so I

1:36:08

think and Laden in that is also. Also

1:36:11

that concepts if you're in years of j

1:36:13

by the way I I cannot recommend more.

1:36:16

The. Owner's manual for years of Jay's and if you're

1:36:18

any other type we have one for all the types

1:36:20

we go into, this karma we just uses a framework

1:36:22

for self love. We. Go a deeper

1:36:25

into all the different concepts the things

1:36:27

or hijack your mind. Things will stop

1:36:29

you, block you, Would. You be tools

1:36:31

for getting the flow how to grow that memory like

1:36:33

more specific on how to grow that memory co pilot

1:36:35

or if you're different type how to grow your compile

1:36:37

it. I. Think the owners may know

1:36:39

free as if Jesus A fantastic place to start.

1:36:42

And if you haven't gotten and gotten

1:36:44

that yet it personally com I think

1:36:46

that's the probably start next at a

1:36:48

gust of really good starting point research

1:36:50

chased and personal growth. A. Tune

1:36:52

into relationships, career and your own identity

1:36:54

and self and self love concepts. One.

1:36:58

Important thing to remember as we wrap this up, His

1:37:00

to remember. Love. Is

1:37:03

freely given, Doesn't. Have.

1:37:05

I don't believe it has conditions on it. At

1:37:07

relationships have conditions on them. The

1:37:10

the relationship dynamic as conditions but love itself

1:37:12

does not that is freely given. And.

1:37:15

Again, a good relationship with self is just

1:37:17

like a good relations with other person. You.

1:37:20

Can send and receive love in a

1:37:22

good relationship also with the self. The

1:37:24

second thing is of love is a

1:37:26

verb. Meaning. You.

1:37:29

Don't think about loving yourself. You don't

1:37:31

just. Abstract. Have it

1:37:33

as a concept. It requires action

1:37:36

and behavior. To. Express love

1:37:38

just like in a relationship. If your

1:37:40

partner. Romantic relationship or even

1:37:42

friendship if your partner friend never. Did.

1:37:45

Anything with you ever win and on

1:37:47

dates serve our friendship. You know? lunches

1:37:49

are. Did. Activists together as he never

1:37:51

gave you a gift or never said he words. Do

1:37:53

your of your card or they'd ever expressed anything to

1:37:55

you'd be like are not a religious person, they probably

1:37:57

are sending you love. So. They do things

1:37:59

to. That. So. The same goes

1:38:02

for the cells if you want to

1:38:04

show yourself love that requires action and

1:38:06

behavior. True learning, true growth equals behavior

1:38:08

change. And. So finding ways

1:38:10

to actually show yourself love through

1:38:13

demonstration is extremely important. And

1:38:15

I swear leave you that last bought To say that's where.

1:38:17

The. Rubber hits the road. And I

1:38:19

say we believe that a tuning to

1:38:22

grow your personality. Is. More the best

1:38:24

steps to do that that is actually doing something. You're

1:38:26

actually growing, your understanding how your mind works, and you're

1:38:28

going parts of yourself. And. We

1:38:30

think that's actually addressing this

1:38:32

directly as love as a

1:38:34

verb. Totally agree. To

1:38:36

let's wrap this up guess I guess is

1:38:38

where I say I've been to come as

1:38:41

a real still viable in really relaxed I

1:38:43

would you think so either to microphones here

1:38:45

of your long term listener you assume sit

1:38:47

in of episode. You. Have a third

1:38:49

microphone. Do we do want to hear from you? Told. A

1:38:51

Personal record Aca to come over to

1:38:53

Personal hacker.com you have to assume it's

1:38:55

one Get the is if the owners

1:38:58