Parenting is a relationship. A relationship which parents do not want to detach from!  

Letting a child hit “rock bottom”, “suffer the consequences” or many of the other “tough love” practices (which have been debunked but are very much still out there and are often suggested by friends and family who feel at a loss as to how to help and who often feel the pain themselves).

What we suggest in this episode isn’t radical, it just feels logical - to us.

First consider, what are you attached to? 

Your kids-and obviously you don’t want to detach from them. Digging a little deeper what we often discover, as we discovered for yourselves, is that what we are attached to are behaviors, outcomes, and choices, but not the child!

Detaching from the behaviors of others is not necessarily an “Aha! Flip that switch!” moment but taking the time to look at our attachments makes it possible to detach from some things while still staying in relationship.

What keeps you connected?  Slammed doors? Resentments?  Are you suffering?  Is your child suffering?  Detaching from our parental dreams of a particular outcome allows us to get curious about their fears, their hopes, their anxieties and their dreams.

When you are in communication you can then be clear about what they can expect from you, not what you expect from them. 

Detaching with love does not mean detach from love. Quite the contrary.  It actually allows a deeper more genuine love into a relationship.

The Practice: Look at what you are attached to. Write those things down.

Resources

Alanon

ITC

Katy Milkman

Nedra Tawwab

Viktor E. Frankl