0:00

well

0:00

well, hello everyone i'm james dobson

0:02

and your listing to family, talk a listener-supported

0:04

ministry in

0:06

fact, thank you so much for being part

0:08

of that support for james dobson,

0:11

family institute

0:20

welcome to family talk i'm roger

0:22

marsh and today we are bringing you

0:24

the second half of dr tim clinton's

0:26

recent conversation with authors

0:28

shanti fell time timid chauncey

0:30

will continue their breakdown of shanties

0:32

book called the kindness challenge thirty

0:35

days to improve any relationship

0:38

schoenefeld han as a best selling author

0:40

christian speaker and respected social

0:42

researcher she earned her graduate

0:45

degree from harvard university and previously

0:47

worked on capitol hill and wall street

0:49

shanties books have sold more than three million

0:52

copies worldwide and have been translated

0:54

into twenty five different languages some

0:57

of the most notable works include for

0:59

women only for men only and

1:01

thriving in love and money jonty

1:04

and husband jeff have two children and

1:06

they make their home and the atlanta area well

1:08

with no further ado here is doctor tim

1:10

clinton to reintroduce his guests

1:12

on today's edition of family top

1:20

that is so great to have back on family

1:22

talk thank you again for joining us absolutely

1:25

thanks so much for having saudi eighty

1:27

nine percent those that

1:29

you study showed improvement in

1:31

their relationships when they took

1:33

the kindness challenge yeah it's

1:35

stunning to think about for a moment but

1:37

i guess in this kind of we talked about it

1:39

yesterday people starved

1:42

just for some type of gentleness

1:45

yeah one of things that we said yesterday was

1:48

i'm that we just don't realize

1:50

how badly all of us needs

1:53

to and how much all of us

1:55

who wants to be people of kindness and

1:57

we don't realize that

1:59

we're not ways with kindness we think

2:01

we are and so this really

2:04

acts like acts bootcamp

2:06

to help us be that christ like

2:08

kind person

2:09

shut the i love yesterday how you talked about kindness

2:12

being superpower he could

2:14

actually use this in way to quote

2:16

impact the other person and change

2:18

this the temperature of room if you will

2:21

just like coming in with our that edge

2:23

and saying no no no we're not going to go

2:25

down we're going down this road

2:27

this is what we're gonna do and by the way i've

2:29

made a decision in my own heart

2:32

that that's how i'm going respond in the situation

2:34

yeah that's beautiful way of putting it the

2:36

key is all of us i think

2:39

want to be that person right

2:42

and , all want to be able

2:44

to change the temperature of the room we

2:46

all want to be the ones to steer

2:48

seeing this and a different direction it's being

2:50

used as a light weights it's

2:53

not hiding are light under bushel bushel

2:56

and yet one of the things that

2:58

i real taste for me as

3:00

was doing this study it became very impersonal

3:02

for me i'm in the middle of this research

3:05

middle that wow i need

3:07

to practice their like i'm somewhat

3:09

blind to the ways that i'm

3:11

not seeing that

3:12

person shot the wanted to ask you

3:15

a before we jump into these three

3:17

simple acts and get really practical

3:19

about how to do them and we want to do that

3:22

that's what this whole initiatives about but

3:25

what some of ways that we might be

3:27

unkind without even realizing

3:30

well that's one of the things that we

3:32

actually identified as part of this

3:34

research project we identified southern

3:36

patterns of ,

3:38

kindness and negativity that we

3:40

tend to miss and that's

3:43

all of us had at least one of these sevens

3:45

some of us might have more than one

3:48

hypothetically hypothetically

3:50

was person more than one posts

3:53

and than me give you couple of examples

3:56

the ways that we can we can do this

3:59

they are you yuri blind

4:01

to one of the southern hatteras which is

4:03

for me irritation an

4:05

exasperated and

4:07

i had no idea that

4:10

when came to with my kids

4:12

for example i get exasperated

4:15

all the time and i was doing

4:17

the thirty day kind challenge for my teenage

4:19

daughter and my preteen son

4:22

and i had no idea

4:24

that when for example my

4:27

son would work on you know science project

4:29

that he and jeff worked on for three

4:31

hours and then for really in

4:41

my voice is rising i had that

4:43

exasperated tone and

4:45

i don't realize that what

4:47

i'm saying to him which is basically

4:50

you're an idiot like would i

4:52

ever use those actual words

4:54

with my sweet sensitive son of

4:56

course not i would never

4:59

say those words out loud and yet

5:01

by that exasperated by that

5:04

irritation by that pointing

5:06

out of mistakes in the way that was

5:09

that is actually what he was hearing

5:11

that's an example of the ways said

5:13

oh my goodness we have to rewind

5:16

and see which of these seven

5:18

patterns might apply to

5:20

us

5:21

sharkey i guess you don't

5:23

just like with your kids you don't just

5:25

show up in in the life of your twelve

5:27

year old drop in on him and think that

5:29

everything's gonna change get

5:31

probably some skill development here something

5:34

yeah we need you to attend to first of all the

5:36

way

5:37

yeah of course there's certainly skills

5:39

development that's helpful but honestly

5:42

i think if we don't know that we need it

5:44

the began with we're not going to develop the

5:46

skills and how it there's

5:48

chicken in the egg things i know

5:50

that my kids know that i once them right

5:53

like they know that but man

5:55

sometimes he did

5:57

not feel like that and he

5:59

was hard and convicting

6:01

the first few days that we were doing

6:03

the thirty day kind of challenge because the

6:06

first element in we talked about

6:08

this yesterday but the

6:10

first thing that you do everyday for thirty days

6:12

is don't say anything negative or unkind

6:15

about this person you're doing it for

6:17

and so for me with my kids

6:20

my kids be exasperated

6:22

i had to withhold all exasperate

6:25

he should for thirty days and it wasn't

6:27

until i did that had try

6:29

to do that that i realized slow

6:32

i'm exasperated all the time

6:34

and the reality tim one the

6:36

things that people will find once they

6:38

actually start doing these three things

6:41

is it opens our eyes to the ways

6:43

oh wow it's not just with this

6:45

one person than i do this like

6:47

this is my saying that i have

6:49

to work

6:50

line shorty erm

6:52

take us in little bit deeper here

6:54

because again we're talking about talking and

6:56

by the way here at jtf fi we want

6:58

to do an invitation to each of us

7:00

are listener we want you to join our stock

7:02

to dobson's up and lead the way salty

7:04

fell upon our special in studio guest

7:06

author of the kindness challenge thirty

7:08

days to improve any relationship

7:11

were taking this journey together taking

7:13

this day of insanity this day

7:15

of rage that were living it's and saying

7:17

let's get kind to each

7:19

other let's figure this out and selecting

7:21

one person one one

7:24

by encoded ee ee one ee

7:26

ee one by encoded one

7:29

ee encoded ee by encoded one encoded

7:31

one by one by ee

7:33

ee one by encoded by

7:35

ee ee one ee ee encoded

7:38

one ee one by ee

7:40

ee one by one by

7:42

one ee forward slash

7:45

hi this challenge and jump

7:47

in be part of this we want to do

7:49

this together shot it still is what you think's gonna

7:51

happen by the way

7:52

so what's gonna happen initially when you

7:54

start is year later said

7:56

you're gonna have your eyes opened to

7:59

whoa i no idea that i

8:01

was being unkind negative in these

8:03

ways to this person whether that's you know

8:05

your spouse your kids are a colleague

8:07

at work that drives you nuts rates you're gonna

8:09

have your eyes open and you're gonna go

8:12

okay need work on this little more than i thought i did

8:14

that can be the first few days and

8:16

then for about two weeks what

8:18

it is is really like skills

8:21

buildings like those things you didn't

8:23

realize wow like one

8:25

the things that we found is that people

8:28

one of the elements is that you have to say words

8:30

of praise to this person everyday and

8:32

we found statistically most people

8:34

think three words

8:36

of praise the balance i'm you

8:38

know two to three times day that's

8:41

what i do and then you have such do

8:43

a once day and you go oh my goodness

8:45

it says in my head never

8:47

, it out of my mouth and

8:49

that is actually two to three times week and so

8:51

you're going to work really hard and build these

8:53

skills for about two weeks

8:56

and they become more natural and then

8:58

and two weeks or building it into habit

9:01

and then becomes habitual and then

9:03

it becomes something you don't have to think about

9:05

all the time and it's something

9:07

that becomes instinct is and by the end

9:09

of the thirty days to beautiful

9:12

thing is that most people don't even notice

9:14

when day thirty arrives you

9:16

know the it's just has become part of

9:18

their life and you can keep that go

9:20

well and truly make difference

9:22

in this world thirty days to a habit

9:24

restaurant he that's where she gets on shanti

9:27

om people are probably wondering a draft

9:29

to remember everything you talking about on the broadcast

9:31

or as a part of the challenger you send

9:33

me stuff yeah we will

9:35

be sending his stuff so you're gonna sign

9:38

up if you want to sign up you'll

9:40

sign up for thirty days of reminder

9:42

emails and first one will come

9:44

with instructions and then their little

9:46

lake coaching email

9:48

some it's like what do you do if you want

9:50

to kill your husband and stat that

9:53

, do to like overcome the

9:55

sedatives and so each of

9:57

these days is just gonna give

9:59

you a little the coaching and

10:01

that will then help you build

10:03

it into your own itself

10:06

and honestly highly encourage

10:08

you to sign up not just

10:10

sign up right now but to actually

10:12

pass this along to others and your family

10:15

and others that you know because

10:17

this really is a transformational

10:20

initiatives

10:21

ee encoded encoded one encoded

10:24

encoded ee ee

10:26

encoded one one by

10:29

kindness challenge kindness

10:32

somewhat shot you let's go back to those three

10:34

simple acts and then you're going tell us about the a

10:36

types of kindness to but make

10:38

sure we get this cemented in our brain

10:41

so the three things you do well first

10:43

like we said you have pick one person

10:45

to do this for and when he emphasized

10:47

that again because there's temptation to try

10:49

to do this for multiple people the

10:51

first time you do it in order

10:53

for it to open your eyes it does

10:55

need be really concentrated and

10:57

targeted and i would recommend

11:00

that you do it for some when you see or

11:02

talk to fairly often it's not

11:04

gonna work as well as a

11:06

boot camp as you're doing it for your

11:08

brother who lives across the country who

11:10

just don't see it like pick somebody

11:12

who's in immediate relationship with

11:14

you right now and then the three things

11:17

do everyday for thirty days are

11:19

first you don't say

11:22

anything negative about that person

11:25

either to them or about them to somebody

11:27

else and listen that

11:29

first one dot is often where

11:31

we sabotage ourselves and we

11:33

don't realize it because let's

11:35

say i'm doing this for just my husband

11:38

i can be polite to him not

11:40

say anything negative to him

11:43

but , i got my girlfriend's at work

11:46

and i'm like like not believe

11:48

what he did i don't realize it but

11:50

i sabotaging how

11:52

i feel about it and oh

11:54

by the way i am training myself

11:56

to be an unkind person unkind

11:58

don't think about it that way but that's it exactly

12:00

what i'm doing so that first thing

12:02

that we do is to not the

12:05

anything negative about

12:07

that person to them or

12:10

about them the second thing that

12:12

you do every day for thirty days

12:14

is you find something that you can praise

12:16

sincerely that you can praise

12:18

about this person and you tell

12:20

them that and

12:23

you tell somebody else somebody

12:25

for example i'm not saying

12:27

anything negative to job for about

12:30

just but i'm looking for things to praise

12:32

and praise notice you know he actually

12:35

stopped work early so he could

12:37

get kids set up with virtual school

12:40

you know or whatever it is and allowed

12:42

meta to do big meeting that

12:44

big had and i tell him

12:46

thank you so much for that like that was

12:48

so sweet of you and then i

12:50

go to my girlfriend at work

12:52

and instead of complaining about him

12:55

i say you know she did yesterday

12:57

like he took off of work he canceled couple

12:59

meetings so that he could get the kids all

13:01

set out and what i'm doing

13:04

is i am and this is what slip

13:06

he is for calls thinking on

13:08

whatever is lovely yeah your programming

13:10

your brains what you're doing my brain

13:12

i am creating new neural pathways

13:14

philippines for the apostle

13:17

paul has this amazing

13:19

such shown in the

13:21

the letter that he wrote the ancient city

13:23

in the church that to the church and so

13:25

a pie and he's talking

13:28

about difficult relationship difficult you

13:30

read that he's talking about these

13:32

two women who are pillars of the church

13:34

to didn't get along with personality conflict

13:37

and when we're talking about what is the

13:40

prescription for how you deal with

13:42

to create good relationships one

13:44

of the things that he says is you need

13:46

to learn to think on whatever is lovely

13:49

an excellent and worthy of praise

13:51

rather than was worthy of driving you crazy

13:54

give attempt to our brain go

13:56

yeah i think of right sweet we get

13:58

herself into patterns negative patterns

14:01

yes and riding in the brain

14:03

by the way is really something lot

14:05

people study and talking about know you

14:07

actually can call create those patterns

14:09

so strong that it's tough to

14:11

break out of

14:12

yeah that is essentially what

14:14

you've just said is what this challenge

14:17

is designed to do is designed to

14:19

wake you up which is one reason why

14:21

we say don't do this for three people the first

14:23

thing you do it do it for one because

14:25

you i will tell you you will notice

14:27

it

14:28

and opined something apprentice yep yeah

14:30

help them and tell others got it

14:32

right away and an example

14:34

of another type of right we talked

14:37

earlier about you know what some

14:39

of the potters negativity there's about

14:41

stairs we've found that there were seven of

14:43

these patterns and many of us

14:45

tend have one or more another

14:48

big pattern that creates a right

14:50

in lot of people believe or not

14:52

is sarcasm that it turns

14:55

out that sarcasm is actually

14:57

can be a pattern of negativity that we

14:59

have no idea is negatively hurting the relations

15:02

that my mother called smart mouth

15:04

slice

15:06

well it's where he is because i

15:08

do a lot of a sermon interviews

15:10

or a pass or brings me in i'm

15:13

in interviews me on stage as the

15:15

sermon time because don't preach right but

15:17

this allows kill the pastor's

15:19

sermon and i'm just a subject matter know

15:22

experts and and one very prominent

15:24

pastor he said take us through these

15:26

negative things you know what are the patterns

15:28

on i got to sarcasm he was like

15:33

so

15:37

we don't realize is that everybody

15:39

loves joking around there is

15:41

nothing wrong with that however

15:44

some of us have gotten into that right

15:46

right and we're talking about the programming of brain

15:49

and it might can bite i can

15:51

bite well here so we found is

15:53

everybody listening to you if

15:55

you're sarcastic person and everybody

15:57

listening to the person you're being to

16:01

anybody is an ersatz know

16:03

is that there is one hundred percent

16:05

laws and good will unconditional

16:07

love towards this person funny

16:11

but affairs any doubt that

16:13

there's one hundred percent love unconditional

16:16

love for this person and appreciation

16:19

then the person might be laughing like ha ha ha

16:21

you know that's so funny but inside

16:23

they're going her does does

16:26

he mean that and , that

16:28

concept is an example

16:31

of where wow like

16:33

maybe this is a thing that need to look

16:35

at may be have created riot

16:38

riot maybe when i need to do is to spend

16:40

thirty days not doing any

16:42

sarcasm towards this person none

16:45

zero and realize

16:47

wow that really is a right and

16:49

now i'm looking for things to praise instead

16:52

which is home at number two and realizing

16:54

just how much did the negative before

16:56

now i'm doing the positives and it's very

16:59

eye opening and you start

17:01

to see very very very

17:04

and so then that leads into the third thing

17:06

though the third element that we

17:08

need to do every day which is

17:11

to do and action a small

17:13

action of kindness or generosity

17:16

towards us percent and it can

17:18

be things like you know you're one

17:20

of your producers of talking about like he's

17:22

making his wife cup of coffee

17:24

he he got superman t shirt for

17:26

duel lead the

17:29

and that's an active service now

17:31

one of things that we need to actually

17:34

be aware of which is helpful is

17:36

it an act of kindness generosity

17:38

each he doesn't have to be an active

17:40

service right like for

17:42

example and action

17:44

generosity for my teenage daughter

17:46

when did this for her like she come running

17:48

into the office where was working

17:50

on my computer like on a deadline as

17:52

you like mom you to watch the full tic toc

17:54

video with me and i would

17:56

be initially like you know in an hour

17:59

honey you know once i'm done with this

18:01

deadlines and i didn't realize

18:03

and action of generosity is taking

18:06

my attention and putting on her when she's excited

18:08

show me the same not an hour later

18:11

and it all it does is take a few minutes

18:13

but it says something really powerful

18:16

to her we just what it says when you bring wife

18:18

a cup of coffee worse when you do any

18:20

of these others acts of kindness

18:22

or generosity is what you're saying

18:25

is you matter and you're not just

18:27

telling that person you

18:29

matter you're telling yourself

18:31

that that person matters all

18:33

of this works together to really

18:36

really transform relation

18:38

yeah it's interesting shanty i found

18:40

through the years that relationships

18:43

never rise above the level

18:45

of fear or anger between

18:47

people the intimacy peace

18:49

just doesn't happen so if it's

18:51

there if you're missing that you're disconnected

18:54

shut the it's so easy then to just look

18:56

on the negative side by the way

18:58

only receive the negative gearing and

19:00

hear the positive you know that you can get so

19:02

lost in this journey and

19:04

what it does it destroys the very thing

19:07

that we want yeah here's the persistent

19:09

heart cry in every counseling session the effort

19:12

shot the all i've ever wanted it is for someone

19:14

to love me

19:15

we don't realize it's

19:17

just how much like we want

19:20

to be the people who love others right

19:22

like that's a value for us and

19:24

, don't realized wow if

19:26

i'm blind about some ways and i'm actually

19:28

being unkind you know like be

19:30

exasperated are being sarcastic

19:32

or one the other patterns if i don't

19:34

realize that i am sabotaging

19:37

that was right i'm not actually

19:39

showing that person who wants was that

19:42

and once we switch once we

19:44

like all of the stuff that dot is poured

19:47

into us can come pouring out

19:49

without being blocked by the sabotage

19:52

that we've been doing by having

19:54

some these unkind traits i

19:57

literally was i didn't have that was speaking

19:59

just and i were doing a marriage conference

20:01

a couple months ago and

20:04

a woman came up to us as we're

20:06

walking back to the retreat

20:08

center where we were staying and

20:10

she said i have to tell you i

20:12

did the thirty day kind of challenge

20:15

i'm not long ago for this

20:17

person in my authors who authors

20:19

have wanted to be christ

20:21

like to

20:21

it's very

20:25

person and yet i had to work with them every

20:28

single day and they were so

20:30

challenging to work with so

20:32

i hated it i have to say i hated

20:35

working with them she ,

20:37

she did thirty day kindness challenge

20:39

for this very very challenging coworker

20:42

and she said with in about

20:44

two weeks her feelings

20:46

towards this person radically

20:49

change she started realizing

20:52

oh my gosh have been focusing all these negative

20:54

things which is the problem right we

20:56

start focusing on the things

20:58

that are a really worthy driving

21:00

you crazy not focusing on

21:02

things that worthy of praise once

21:04

you do that there's a neuroscientific

21:06

principle that says what you focus on is

21:08

what you will see so ,

21:10

started seeing more and more of these good

21:12

things and she said today this

21:15

is about six months later she said she's

21:17

my best friend at work work

21:19

i love going into work every day i

21:21

literally i'm like okay can you stop i'm

21:23

going get my phone and videotape he saying

21:25

that so i can send that to

21:27

my team because it's they don't get

21:29

to hear the have been in person stories

21:32

of they were i do because i wanted to encourage

21:34

them and out it's the same way want to encourage

21:36

you is that these are simple

21:39

simple things it's

21:41

just helping us create

21:44

that god wants us to have that we didn't realize

21:47

the second before saudi in closing

21:49

would you remind us again what

21:51

the research showed how many percent

21:54

of people who took this change

21:56

yeah it's amazing is you

21:58

will do these three thing every day for thirty

22:01

days eighty nine percent of

22:03

relation impressed eighty

22:05

nine percent which is amazing

22:07

but if you think about it and what you're primarily

22:09

doing is changing you

22:12

and so it makes perfect sense that

22:14

eighty nine percent of relationships

22:16

with change because you're the common

22:18

denominator common denominator on this and

22:21

this is truly a truly

22:23

it

22:23

information for you as well shut

22:25

the i've been promoting our thirty they challenge

22:27

join us here at jtf i had the james dobson

22:29

family is to doctor dobson you

22:32

tell them again what this looks like

22:34

and and then i'll tell them how they can enroll

22:36

yeah this is a thirty day kindness challenge

22:39

a will help you improve your relationship

22:41

with one person and by doing so

22:44

build a habit that will impact everybody

22:46

and when you go and enroll in this program

22:48

we're going do together at doctor james

22:50

dobson dot o r g forward

22:52

slash kindness challenge

22:55

every day you're going to receive an email

22:58

we encourage men and helpful tips

23:00

and insights and skills on how

23:02

to make this the best thirty days

23:04

that you can to see the change that

23:06

you want in that relationship and

23:09

also on jump up on our facebook

23:12

page as we're going to this kindness

23:14

challenge together for updates and we'd love

23:16

to hear your stories a

23:18

lot of what saudis been sharing

23:20

how it's working out in your life

23:23

and then your relationships shot

23:25

always the lightsaber jeff they're not be

23:27

productive dobbs and his wife shirley the

23:29

entire team jtf by we salute

23:31

you freesheet york continue

23:33

drake work for such a timelessness

23:35

the summer

23:46

his family talk and you been listening

23:48

the conclusion of dr tim clinton's to

23:50

park conversations with author shot

23:52

he fell on on the topic of the

23:54

kindness challenge as tim and

23:56

seventy said during the program the doctor

23:58

james dobson family encoded one

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this has been a presentation

25:49

of the doctor james adoptive family

25:51

institute