0:00

Apple Card is the perfect cash back

0:02

rewards credit card. You earn up to

0:04

3% daily cash on every purchase every

0:06

day. That's 3% on your

0:08

favorite products at Apple, 2%

0:10

on all other Apple Card with Apple

0:12

Pay purchases, and 1% on anything you

0:15

buy with your Titanium Apple Card or

0:17

virtual card number. Visit apple.co/cardcalculator to see

0:19

how much you can earn. Apple Card

0:21

issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt

0:24

Lake City branch, subject to credit approval.

0:26

Terms apply. Welcome

0:31

to Navel Gazing. I'm John Dickerson. We

0:34

start this second episode of season

0:36

one as we have every episode

0:38

in this podcast's long history with

0:41

a written notebook entry. Notebook

0:44

75, page six, September,

0:46

2021. They

0:49

chose you. This

0:51

entry greeted me when I opened my Field

0:53

Notes notebook on the living room Sunday that

0:55

was the topic of the first episode of

0:57

this podcast. I didn't

0:59

notice this entry on that Sunday because I

1:01

was busy trying to write down what Anne

1:04

had said, literally, about the dog and our

1:06

son, and hoping that in so

1:08

doing, something would occur to me in the writing.

1:11

I'd excavate meaning. Another

1:13

thought would present, and I could put a glass around

1:16

the cocktail of feelings we were having. Or

1:18

failing that, I hoped I would capture

1:20

the words accurately for later

1:23

consideration. So what does

1:25

this entry mean, though? They chose you.

1:28

Well, I'm not quoting anyone, as I was in

1:31

our first entry. These words were the epicenter of

1:33

a pep talk I wanted to

1:35

give my oldest child before leaving him at

1:37

college, to the chill of

1:39

his cinderblock cell and the contusions of

1:41

new acquaintance. I can't remember

1:44

where I was when I wrote the entry, but

1:46

as I read it now, several years later, memory

1:48

smudges. Time and place get linked

1:50

in ways I know are totally wrong. I

1:53

associate the entry, probably written in haste

1:55

in the middle of a bouncing taxicab,

1:58

with a fixed location that is not. not the

2:01

taxi cab. I associate the

2:03

words, the message, the feeling with

2:06

the restaurant where we had our last

2:08

meal with our son before we left him

2:10

to his adventure. That

2:12

wasn't where I wrote it. Rather, it was the

2:14

moment I intended to deploy it. This

2:17

is how memory works, I suppose, but

2:20

I'm not usually so conscious of

2:22

its collage-like nature as I am right

2:24

now telling this story. I am making

2:26

something new now, not something

2:28

recalled. It's not exactly the fact

2:31

imagined, but an act of fiction

2:33

propelled by a fact, memory

2:35

as a branch of the imagination. In

2:38

the end, whatever it is that

2:40

this notation they chose you has

2:43

sparked right now, maybe more true than a

2:46

transcript of the exact thoughts I had in

2:48

the bouncy taxi cab the moment I made

2:50

the notation. So I'm

2:52

going to travel us to that lunch. This

2:55

I know is true. The restaurant for

2:57

this meal where we had our last

2:59

bite before heading home had neon script

3:01

on a blue wall. Like a black

3:04

light poster, neon is an idea that

3:06

seems like a good one right up

3:08

to the moment you execute it. You

3:10

plant the nails, settle the tubes, and the

3:12

minute your hands are free, you're

3:14

using them to search Google. How do you

3:17

safely dispose of neon? We

3:21

ordered fried chicken sandwiches at lunch. The waitress

3:23

made a big deal about the fried

3:25

chicken sandwiches, and when they arrived,

3:27

they still seemed to be in the process of happening. This

3:30

steroidal chicken dominated the hopeless bun,

3:32

which was already down on one

3:34

knee, having been pressure washed into

3:36

submission with jets of special

3:39

sauce. By the time you were done eating

3:41

the wreckage, you felt like you were So

3:44

the food was against us, which added

3:46

to the turbulence of this leave-taking moment where everything

3:48

felt like it was slipping off the bun and

3:50

I was trying not to add too much sauce.

3:54

The moment had been in my subconscious for a long

3:56

time, hence the notation. Now

3:58

That this moment had arrived, I was

4:00

looking to deploy in a

4:03

low key way. some reassuring

4:05

advice, but every thought I

4:07

had seemed to grandiose. Neither

4:09

a borrower nor a lender

4:11

be plastic Sun. What?

4:15

I wanted to do with Some parting advice

4:18

was to try to head off korean conclusions

4:20

of my son was like me. There was

4:22

the chance that the natural lonesome this of

4:24

a new school. Could. Lead him

4:27

to conclude that he didn't belong. In

4:30

other words, that imposter syndrome might

4:32

be genetic. When. You have

4:34

those kinds of thoughts one responses

4:36

to draw a grand conclusions. Doing.

4:39

So being declared ever sure as

4:41

you that you are not powerless,

4:43

you're exercising your agency taking action

4:45

by pushing the new place away.

4:48

The danger, though, is that why you

4:50

might rescue yourself from temporary discomfort in

4:52

a moment of transition by rejecting your

4:55

new circumstances. The move comes at the

4:57

cost of becoming yourself. Which. Can

4:59

only happen by passing through those

5:01

moments of discomfort. Not. Pushing

5:03

them away, And hence

5:06

adulthood is spent ping pong in

5:08

between new experiences. Or it should

5:10

be anywhere. I wanted to say

5:12

something helpful for this first extended

5:14

solo experience. With fitting in. When.

5:16

Nothing seems to fit. A. Piece

5:19

of advice that has nourished me over

5:21

the years came from my former colleagues

5:23

Time Magazine Karen Tumulty. She's now an

5:25

opinion writer at the Washington Post's When

5:28

I entered the Washington Bureau of Time

5:30

Magazine in Ninety Ninety Five, she said,

5:32

make no judgments about a new place

5:34

for eighteen months. She. Had standing

5:37

to make this argument because she just

5:39

come from the Los Angeles Times. I.

5:42

Don't know if that's the correct number

5:44

of months. It feels a little long,

5:46

but the advice gave me permission to

5:48

delay drawing large conclusions Are more precisely,

5:51

it made me suspicious of the grand

5:53

conclusions might see bird brain was drawing,

5:55

most of which were dire. Reserving.

5:58

judgment was hard to do it time max

6:00

magazine in the mid-90s because at that time

6:02

the magazine's role in the news world was

6:05

to draw grand conclusions. Stories

6:07

started with a small moment into

6:09

which we would stuff universal significance

6:12

about enormous changes in American life

6:14

and politics. It was

6:16

the era of the great theatrical

6:18

lead where you rolled in a

6:21

full orchestra to start off stories.

6:27

In early dawn, Mr. Frederick Johnson,

6:29

like countless Americans, partakes in the

6:31

quintessential weekend chore of lawn grooming,

6:33

a vestige of the American dream.

6:36

Yet as he maneuvers his mower

6:38

across the suburban expanse, Johnson's regard

6:41

for his democratic ideal is as

6:43

ephemeral as the clippings he casually

6:45

brushes from his dungarees. These

6:50

kinds of sweeping scenes are less common

6:52

now because the internet took away everybody's

6:54

patience. You've got to get right

6:56

to the action immediately in stories now, no shuffling

6:58

around with theatrics. However, this

7:00

training cannot be shaken from my bones.

7:03

You might notice the remnants of this

7:05

time magazine technique in the Sunday afternoon

7:07

living room declaration that kicked off episode

7:10

one. Karen Tummelti's wisdom about

7:12

waiting 18 months has been

7:14

formalized into a decision-making system I

7:16

once read about. Here's

7:18

what you're supposed to do. When you

7:20

enter a new situation, write down your

7:23

expectations, what you think the likely outcomes

7:25

will be over the next year. Put

7:27

this material in an envelope, tie it with a bow

7:30

if you'd like, put it aside. In

7:32

a year, look at what you've written, you'll

7:35

usually find that you worried about a

7:37

lot of stuff that didn't come to

7:39

pass, dragons, whooping cough, hammer toe. The

7:42

distance between what you expected and what

7:44

took place will be so large it

7:46

will cure you of making such grand

7:48

claims the next time you encounter a

7:50

new experience. Or it

7:53

will at least keep you from worrying so much in

7:55

the next moment of transition. I

7:58

Think of this system as learned. Stoicism.

8:00

The stoic say the don't

8:03

borrow, worry. Fine.

8:05

Great! Marcus A really appreciate it. But.

8:07

Some people need proof to back

8:09

up these aphorisms, and this system

8:11

gives you proof as you encounter

8:13

life's repeated new challenges that may

8:15

be your worry is often misplaced.

8:18

Before. The launch of Insistent Chicken

8:20

we had been seem to buy

8:22

college dorm readers. college admissions authorities

8:24

anticipate more or less this fear

8:26

of fitting in and to make

8:28

new students feel welcome. They'll launch

8:30

Pepe flotilla of sophomores that new

8:32

arrivals in the parking lot outside

8:34

the freshman dorm. The enlisted advance

8:36

that you in school colors seathwaite

8:39

is picked bones, reaching out for

8:41

suitcase handles and insisting that the

8:43

ice cream social is really going

8:45

to be great is exactly the

8:47

same. Bond with the wedding. Been sick

8:49

or calling every one of parquet floor to

8:51

celebrate good times tonight. Come.

8:54

On. In our case

8:56

the startling peace and c or had not

8:59

com things it might have made things worse.

9:02

I was not comfortable in new environments when

9:04

I was younger. and now that I'm older,

9:07

I. Am also not comfortable in new

9:09

environments. This is why

9:11

smoke. In college, smoking gave me something

9:14

to do upon entering a room full

9:16

of people seemingly to so effortlessly engage

9:18

in human commerce. I could smoke

9:20

while I tried to figure out where to fit

9:22

in or how to make my escape. If.

9:24

I decided that I didn't. We. All

9:27

have phones for this diversionary purpose now.

9:30

The cigarette was useful back then because

9:32

it worked both in solitary contemplation as

9:34

well as a group Settings hipsters around

9:36

a bar table with varying lengths of

9:38

ash looked like at any moment any

9:40

one of them might produce a volume

9:43

of poetry. The. Were standing alone

9:45

smoking a cigarette. It didn't mean you are

9:47

a loser. It. Meant you might

9:49

very well be refraining are narrow view of

9:51

the bronze age. A smartphone lacks

9:53

this dual purpose. It alleviates the awkward

9:55

alone has, but when we are together,

9:58

it can make us all feel. Allowed

10:00

the image of a ring of bacon

10:02

eyes following illuminated screens in a circle

10:05

at a bar does not invite the

10:07

new entrant into the circle. it invites

10:09

sorrow. A notebook

10:11

is a worthy device in these circumstances to

10:13

I might add fisher notebook from your back

10:16

pocket when you're standing alone in the corner

10:18

and people will think you are on to

10:20

something big as you, right? They don't have

10:22

the know that the notebook enter your writing

10:24

may very well read. I'm standing here writing

10:26

to occupy myself while I try to get

10:29

my bearings. The.

10:41

Winner is. Slow.

10:46

Burn It be harming. Congratulations

10:50

to Joe Anderson and the entire team

10:52

behind Slow Burn the coming to the

10:54

Summer on there when for podcast of

10:56

the year at the Twenty Twenty Four.

10:58

Hour and to support for that thanks

11:01

to the academy, thanks to the many

11:03

fans a series of protests on especially

11:05

these people that have robbed by Plus

11:07

we can't do work about money and

11:09

people that care about that were for

11:11

we do so helpful to be able

11:14

to go places like Sore from Savannah,

11:16

Georgia just as promises mother's house new

11:18

Also we do that with the money

11:20

we make you slice. Join

11:22

sleep last for behind the scenes,

11:24

one the making of the season

11:27

and other member for supper. said

11:29

subscribe Now I clicking try free

11:31

at the top of the slow

11:33

burn show page on Apple podcasts

11:35

or this at slate.com Forward flashed

11:37

slow burn to get successful ever.

11:39

He was. This.

11:44

episode is brought to you by audible

11:46

the destination for thrilling audio entertainment with

11:49

highly anticipated new releases and top tier

11:51

recommendations audible is here for every type

11:53

of thriller listener i'm a thrilling was

11:55

there because ruth marcus friend the gap

11:58

has on the gap as said

12:00

she had been listening to a ton of

12:02

French's novels, a thriller, and so I thought,

12:04

oh, I want to check that out. So

12:06

I listened to it on Audible. It's

12:09

called In the Woods, and it is

12:11

a fantastic story. I

12:13

can't give it away, but it's this

12:15

multi-generational mystery. It takes place in Ireland.

12:17

And then I started listening to more

12:20

thrillers, basically working my way

12:22

through Raymond Chandler, because

12:24

it's this great thing when you want to totally

12:26

escape. And so it's this wonderful way to

12:28

disappear in the middle of the day when I take

12:30

my after-lunch walk by listening to

12:32

a thriller. And

12:35

of course, I should mention, oh my gosh, the

12:37

Sherlock Holmes stories, which have been

12:39

a staple in our Audible library.

12:43

Audible members can keep one title a

12:45

month from the entire catalog. New members

12:47

can try Audible now, free for 30

12:49

days. Visit audible.com/navelgazing

12:51

or text navelgazing to

12:54

500-500, audible.com/ navelgazing

12:59

or text navelgazing to 500-500 to try

13:01

Audible free for 30 days. The

13:10

time has long passed for this

13:12

entry to achieve its intended purpose

13:15

in 2021. That

13:17

is of reminding me about the core of the

13:19

message I wanted to convey at the

13:21

goodbye lunch, that message, they

13:24

chose you. But it's

13:26

doing good work for us here in 2024

13:28

as I look at the yellow covered field

13:30

notes in the attic where I sit and

13:32

stir this pot of recollections. It

13:35

affirms the experiment that by slowing

13:37

down, looking at these notes from

13:39

a life that there is value,

13:41

the value that comes from consideration in

13:45

a world of assaults on our attention

13:47

where we are robbed of even a

13:49

moment to consider. things

14:00

I've realized. My first

14:02

realization is that I'm not very good

14:04

at looking back at the notebooks where I have written

14:06

prompts to remind me about actions I should take in

14:09

the future. I never looked back on

14:11

this entry in the time frame where it would have been

14:13

useful. At this point, so many years

14:15

later, the son of these recollections is a junior. He's

14:18

giving me advice now. A topic

14:20

for a later episode. It's

14:22

possible that I didn't need to look at this

14:24

notation. Then maybe once I wrote down they chose

14:26

you, I had implanted the idea in a way

14:29

that that was all I needed. And I carried

14:31

that sentiment with me in my head and I

14:33

didn't actually need to look. When

14:35

I was at lunch that day or standing

14:38

outside before we entered the restaurant, there's

14:40

an entire theory of pedagogy around this.

14:42

The act of writing something down implants

14:44

it in your head. This

14:47

is why they're teaching handwriting in the public schools

14:49

of California again after doing away with it many

14:51

years ago. I

14:53

also realized on this later pass

14:56

that they chose you contains a

14:58

sentiment and parents conveyed when they

15:00

told her she was adopted. She

15:03

wasn't given up by a mother and a father, they

15:05

told her, but chosen by

15:08

a family. They'd been trying

15:10

to assure her that she belonged, that

15:12

she fit in. They chose

15:14

you. I was referring

15:16

to the college selection committee, but the

15:19

message is at the heart of parenting

15:21

repeatedly sending the message in one form

15:23

or another to your kids that

15:25

they belong. No matter where they

15:27

are, they are surrounded by your love.

15:30

Feeling loved, the beginning

15:32

of belonging for all of us. My

15:35

next discovery, looking at this notebook and the attic

15:37

above the sirens and the honking of New York

15:40

City is that this passage is a marker. Or

15:42

more precisely, that the lunch, which I

15:45

have now associated with this passage in

15:47

the notebook, is a marker. It's a

15:50

marker of the start of a great period

15:52

of adulthood in our eldest child's life and

15:54

the marker of the start and of a

15:57

period of time for us, his

15:59

parents. He had spent the

16:01

majority of his days in a year living with

16:03

us But after I paid

16:05

the lunch bill and either did or

16:07

didn't give this piece of glittering parenting

16:10

advice in the notebook entry He

16:12

would never spend the majority of his days

16:14

in a year living with us again I've

16:18

always thought our job as parents was to teach our kids

16:20

how to leave us I have no

16:22

idea if we did that but I

16:24

thought there would be more time Or

16:27

that the opportunities for the transfer of knowledge would

16:29

be more clear Nope,

16:31

time's up. Put down your pencils pre-order

16:34

your walkers and pill cases to get big

16:36

savings But hold on there

16:39

is a bigger marker that comes to me

16:41

in later consideration of this moment This

16:44

would be the fourth revelation from this

16:46

notebook entry if you're marking them on

16:48

your navel-gazing revelation tracker home notepad The

16:51

marker is as obvious as if the

16:54

city fathers had Commemorated it on a

16:56

brass plaque ordered from that awards and

16:58

trophy store out by the airport Parenting's

17:01

end on this spot. Did

17:04

John Dickerson try to sneak past the

17:06

goalie one last piece of parenting advice.

17:08

I Wasn't

17:11

giving my son advice at all at

17:13

this lunch I mean, of course,

17:15

that's what I thought I was doing back then But

17:18

now I realized that mostly what I was doing was

17:20

talking to myself Let's

17:23

review what we've been talking about The

17:28

natural thing to do when going through a

17:30

moment of transition is to rely on the

17:33

old familiar moves to make us feel comfortable

17:36

Light a cigarette pull out a notebook or

17:38

a phone. It gives us control That's

17:41

what physical ticks are right the movements utterances that

17:43

settle us down and make us feel like we

17:46

are ourselves even

17:48

in foreign claims What

17:51

more familiar go-to move is there for a

17:53

parent than to give advice? It is

17:56

the unit of measurement of parenting

17:58

advice giving. I mean I

18:00

suppose I could have brought out the baseball gloves

18:02

and called for a quick game of catch to

18:04

engage in activity that would assert the traditional parent-child

18:06

bond, but that wasn't realistic. There

18:09

were other diners, plus we might break

18:11

the neon, and that's not an approved

18:13

method for disposing of it, according to Google.

18:16

Let's run down the list of why

18:19

advice is the go-to move for a

18:21

parent in turbulence. A,

18:23

we do it a lot as parents. It's

18:25

a comfortable pose. And B, implicit

18:28

in advice is control. Only

18:31

a person of command gives advice.

18:34

By giving advice, you deny for a

18:36

moment that you are an unspooling bundle

18:38

of emotions causing fellow diners at lunch

18:40

to eye the defibrillation machine. I

18:44

thought I was going to assist my son as

18:46

he tried to navigate this new turbulence, but the

18:48

desire to do so is more fully seen

18:50

as a demonstration of my effort to manage my

18:52

own wobble and the wobble to come. When

18:56

you leave home for college or your first experience out

18:58

on your own, it's the first

19:00

time you learn to really adapt and

19:03

find your voice, which I'd always thought

19:05

was like a one-time thing or

19:07

a single skill that you built on. But

19:10

actually, I think when you leave home, it's

19:12

the first time you do

19:14

that voice finding in a life

19:16

full of finding new voices when

19:18

faced with new circumstances, reframing

19:21

and resetting with each

19:23

transition, realizing over and

19:25

over that, as executive coach Marshall

19:27

Goldsmith says in his famous book

19:30

of the same title, that

19:32

what got you here won't get you

19:34

there. The

19:38

songwriter Nick Cave arrives to this moment

19:40

as if he were there with us

19:43

under the neon. Here's

19:45

what he writes, we're often led to

19:47

believe that getting older is in itself

19:49

somehow a betrayal of our idealistic younger

19:51

self. But sometimes I think it might

19:53

be the other way around. Maybe the

19:56

younger self finds it difficult to

19:58

inhabit its true potential. Because

20:00

it has no idea what that potential is.

20:03

It is a kind of unformed thing

20:05

running scared most of the time, frantically

20:07

trying to build its sense of self.

20:09

This is me! Here I am! In

20:13

any way that it can. But then

20:15

time and life come along and smash

20:17

that sense of self into a million

20:19

pieces. This

20:23

smashing that Nick Cave is talking about

20:25

is the prelude to building back a

20:27

durable sense of yourself. Life

20:30

keeps hurling the wrecking ball until whoever

20:32

you are is forged. Life

20:34

is always arriving is how Gabrielle

20:36

Zevon writes about it in

20:38

her novel Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow. Smashing

20:41

is no fun. It's hard. It's full of

20:43

fears and tears and woe. But

20:45

to mix my blacksmith and seafaring

20:48

metaphors, great sailors aren't made

20:50

by easy seas. So

20:52

in this moment of identity shattering and

20:54

formation which goes on our entire lives,

20:56

no matter which role you're playing at

20:58

the chicken sandwich place, I'm

21:00

brought back to this notebook habit I've kept, but

21:03

about which I'm still mystified. Writing

21:06

these notes is not just a crutch for

21:08

managing the first moments inside the door

21:10

at an unfamiliar space. These

21:13

notes have been a place to construct that

21:15

identity. Not fully, not completely. Conversation,

21:18

declarations, novels, journals, people, lots more

21:21

help put it all together. But

21:23

this process, these notebooks, are

21:25

the record of that construction of a self.

21:28

Something we all do, but which

21:31

not everyone annotate. This

21:43

episode is sponsored by Field Notes

21:45

brand. Of course I

21:47

feel like the entire navel-gazing podcast

21:49

and notebook process is sponsored by

21:51

Field Notes brand. Which has been

21:53

the brand of notebook that I've

21:55

carried in my back pocket for

21:58

years and years. The

22:00

notebook that is the concern

22:02

of this first season is

22:04

from their Autumn trilogy. They

22:06

send out for subscribers different

22:08

designs. You can always get

22:10

the basic notebook design, but

22:12

the fantastic artistry of the

22:14

different subscriptions they send out

22:16

is one of the many

22:18

joys of being a Field

22:21

Notes subscriber. And the one I'm

22:23

holding in my hand is Yellow,

22:25

connoting Autumn. And it's full

22:27

of annotations that have now been

22:29

made to it in addition to the original annotations

22:31

because of this show. And obviously

22:33

I have one in my pocket right now. It's

22:36

from the Foiled Again packet. You

22:38

can visit fieldnotesbrand.com and save

22:40

10% on your first

22:42

order by using the coupon code Gazing.

22:48

Now I'd like to try our

22:50

first act of time travel before

22:52

ending this episode. Here's

22:54

a notebook entry that demonstrates what I mean about

22:57

the notebook's role in identity formation

23:00

and which also helps me explain the smashing

23:02

that was taking place in our lives as parents

23:05

at that lunch. It's an entry from

23:07

2004. This is

23:09

a new kind of time travel through these

23:11

notebooks in this podcast, so I'm easing you

23:13

into it. Later, we'll hop around so much

23:16

you'll need Dramamy. Notebook

23:19

15, page 4, April 2004. Sitting

23:23

with Bryce by the waterfall, throwing

23:25

rocks in stream, loading

23:27

sand from dump truck and loader

23:30

and back again. That

23:33

notebook entry is from a visit to my

23:35

in-laws. There is a creek at the end

23:38

of their backyard. It has a small bridge

23:40

you can cross and a few strides. The

23:42

whole thing looks arranged by a benevolent hobbyist

23:44

with a model train set in the basement

23:46

on raised sheets of plywood. A

23:49

few feet from the bridge is a modest

23:51

municipal improvement to manage flooding, a plan at

23:53

a zoning meeting, no doubt, executed by good

23:55

people you went to high school with. The

23:58

result, a small rush of work. waterfall.

24:00

Tailored, abandoned, rush and

24:03

chaos. It runs fast enough

24:05

to change the air on the little beach where

24:07

the water falls, a beach that is only big

24:09

enough for a father and a two-year-old to squat.

24:12

The air smells like nickels

24:14

in your mouth. 17 years

24:17

before the college drop-off, the chicken sandwiches, the

24:19

neon, the city fathers plaque on the wall,

24:22

I was trying to hold on to something

24:24

in that moment by the waterfall at the

24:26

creek. Fix it in time

24:28

with a pin. I return

24:30

to this date, not as an act of nostalgia,

24:33

oh how our children are grown so

24:35

quickly and time passes. I

24:38

mean sure, but that's not why I've traveled us here.

24:40

I was trying to capture a

24:42

feeling by that little creek waterfall in

24:44

the relatively early period of parenting that

24:46

marked what it felt like when it

24:48

was going well. The water

24:51

in your ears, the loading in

24:53

the unloading, my son's clarity and

24:55

uncluttered intent. I

24:57

was not trying to cover the waterfront but make a

24:59

small tidy point. I was where I was

25:01

meant to be. I

25:04

first learned about this idea from David Allen,

25:06

the productivity guru. His point, which I believe,

25:08

was that if you were living an

25:10

ordered life, you could arrange

25:12

yourself so that whatever task you were doing

25:15

in that moment, it was exactly the

25:17

task you were supposed to be doing.

25:20

I think you can enlarge this into a

25:22

general principle. In life, if

25:25

you can ask yourself in any given moment, am

25:27

I the person I want to be right now

25:29

and answer yes to

25:32

that question or its variant, am

25:34

I aware I am supposed to be right

25:36

now, then you're in pretty good

25:38

shape I think. Your actions in

25:40

that moment are in sync with your values.

25:43

A good way to live. We'll return to

25:45

this topic quite a lot in the notebooks,

25:47

but for the moment stick with me. This

25:50

sync can be achieved in many ways.

25:52

Parenting is one of those ways, but

25:54

by no means is it the only

25:56

way. But this entry in

25:59

the notebook identifies one moment where

26:01

that was the case. If parenting

26:03

keeps you in sync or offers

26:05

opportunities to feel in sync, what

26:07

happens when you are no longer actively

26:10

engaged in that effort? You're

26:12

not just missing your child, you're

26:14

missing yourself. The

26:19

closest analogy I have is when I would

26:22

spend months on the campaign trail. A campaign

26:24

gives you focus. You wake up to

26:27

a different hotel alarm clock every day, but you

26:29

know your mission. When the campaign

26:31

ends, you are at home, the alarm clock

26:33

is the same every morning, but you don't

26:35

know where to start after it goes off.

26:37

Expense reports, news stories, the crusted paint cans

26:39

that have to go to the hazardous waste

26:41

disposal site, the wiper blade on the Honda

26:43

that's gone droopy. You lose yourself

26:45

in the to-do list where it's difficult

26:47

to find meaning and purpose. I'd

26:52

always thought the empty nest discourse was

26:54

about missing your kids. People

26:56

warned us about crying fits at the dorm

26:59

room door. Sure, I love

27:01

being in their company and I miss it, but

27:03

I saw that coming. What

27:06

I didn't see was the disorder, the

27:08

lack of structure. At any point

27:10

in the day, the answer to the question,

27:12

am I the person I want to be right now, is

27:14

much more up for grabs. The

27:17

separation I anticipated, I didn't quite

27:19

anticipate the smashing, the having

27:21

to rewrite myself. Now

27:24

we have to figure out where we fit in, Ann

27:27

and me. We must be our

27:29

own dorm greeters. I sure

27:31

hope the ice cream social is going to be as fun as they

27:33

say. That

27:39

concludes the second episode of Navel Gazing, or

27:41

as the French call it, Navel

27:44

Gazing. Our

27:46

next episode will return to this notebook from

27:48

the period of our concern, and

27:50

the next entry is about our sweet

27:52

dog, George. Can't

28:02

wait for next week's episode! Listen to it

28:04

now! Immediately unlock the next

28:06

episode of Naval Gazing by subscribing

28:09

to Slate Plus. Your

28:11

subscription also gets you ad-free listening

28:13

across all your favorite Slate podcasts,

28:15

plus a weekly member-exclusive segment on

28:17

the Political Cab Fest. Join

28:20

now by clicking subscribe at the top

28:22

of the Naval Gazing show page on

28:24

Apple Podcasts or visit

28:26

slate.com/Naval Gazing Plus to

28:29

get access wherever you

28:31

listen. Naval

28:39

Gazing is produced by Shana Roth, Alicia

28:41

Montgomery is Vice President of Audio at

28:43

Slate, and our theme music is from

28:45

the band Plastic Mary. Remember, send us

28:47

a note at navalgazingpodcast.com and let us

28:50

know your thoughts if you are a

28:52

wild noticer out in the world, a

28:54

mopey parent, or a note taker

28:56

or the kin of a note taker. I'd

28:58

love to hear from you. I'm John Dickerson. Talk

29:01

to you next week.