Maria psychoanalyzes a pickpocket, Tim Cook gives the FBI the finger, Manny Pacquiao disparages homosexuals, Justin reveals his “super” powers, and Mike flubs the Pledge of Allegiance.

Follow-up

• “Oh, Reggie, fighting for your country…you’re such a pussy“
• ACHOO syndrome: Why some people sneeze every time they see the sun

Trumped Up

• On Apple
• On the Pope
• On Planned Parenthood
• On Rachel Maddow
• Trump threatens an independent run

Poorly Summarized News

• Apple: a message to our customers

Stupid Shit

• American Loons on “Dr.” Schulze
• Quackwatch on “Dr.” Schulze

Is this a thing? Gay animal sex

• Nike cuts ties with boxer Manny Pacquiao

Headline of the Week

• Fearing cannibalism, aquarium cancels octopus sex show on Valentine’s Day