When I mention my past obsession with working out, I'm shocked by how many people have experienced something similar. Many people seem to have a similar story: attempting to control themselves and their minds through manipulation of their physical body, whether it be through food, hydration, supplements, substances, working out, or lack thereof.

Back in 2012/2013, I spent nearly all day at the gym almost every day. I would rest only when my body and mind would force me to/shut down, usually in the form of sickness, extreme fatigue, or mental distress. During these 6-8 hour gym days, I would do 3-4 workouts. Many of them were high intensity/high weight/high rep where I pushed myself near max. Working out became THE core activity in my life that I used to measure my self worth and self identity. I was a 'CrossFitter' and slid right into what I thought was expected of a CrossFitter.

Some days, my peers would joke that they were coming in to try and beat my time. I would laugh for social acceptance, but inside I was burning with fear and anxiety. I didn't know how to joke. I just wanted to win. I just wanted to beat everyone. Even my friends. The competitive drive in me closed me off from life around me. Everyone was a competitor. I didn't allow anyone to truly be a friend. Knowing that I may not get the best time or score for the day created a rush. The days I got the best or a high score/time, I experienced a comforting release. The days I didn't, I shamed myself...hard. I was on an adrenaline roller coaster. I started to become mentally and physically ill from the stress and torment I was exuding on myself. I was terrified of failure. I was terrified of seeing myself in the face of failure.

My stomach was constantly in knots and I had diarrhea multiple times per day. I couldn't sleep in anticipation of workout announcements. My heart would race so fast right before the '3, 2, 1, go' that I wanted to throw up. My mind was so consumed with winning that I had no space to care for my physical body properly. I didn't hydrate correctly or compensate for what I was depleting in my workouts. I felt close to fainting during a good amount of workouts, but I kept going. I didn't know what it meant to listen to my body. A neurotic part of my mind was driving these efforts.

Like many CrossFitters, I identified my diet as 'Paleo', but what my peers didn't know was that on the weekends I would participate in crazy food binges where I would scarf down pints of ice cream and fast food until I would get sick. In the gym, I did what I could to maintain the narrative/outward appearance that I was healthy and vibrant. Inside I was screaming, hiding from the truth, and running from myself.

In this episode, I talk about my experience with this obsession, what it showed me, and how it opened my eyes. I realize that I have been blinded from considering new opportunity because of this past negative experience. Sometimes one negative experience can spoil a world of opportunity if we decide to keep our eyes shut. Crazy how life works. Even crazier how we may not see it until many moons later...

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