0:41

Really beloved. Welcome

0:43

back to this week's episode.

0:45

I'm so glad that you are.

0:48

Deciding to share some of your valuable

0:51

time with me and the rest

0:53

of those listening, such

0:55

a joy to have you all here as per

0:57

usual. And also

1:00

happy belated trans day of visibility.

1:03

And if you celebrate Easter

1:05

or the coming of spring

1:07

and any which way then.

1:10

Yay. That was this past weekend.

1:12

So whatever that looks

1:14

like for you, I hope it was amazing.

1:18

Onto a less positive note.

1:20

We're just going to awkwardly segue

1:22

right in. To

1:25

this week's episode topic, which

1:27

is talking about microaggressions

1:30

and how they pertain to couples

1:33

in terms of their wedding planning experience.

1:36

I think this is a really important episode,

1:39

both for couples and

1:41

vendors or allies

1:43

alike listening. And I will definitely.

1:46

Address, both of you after we kind

1:48

of go over the definition

1:51

and some examples and things like that.

1:54

Unfortunately, I just, I

1:56

think it's quite common for folks in

1:58

the LGBTQ plus community. To

2:00

have to deal with microaggressions.

2:03

There's a study that I will link in the show

2:05

notes that states that one-third

2:08

or more of LGBTQ plus folks

2:10

in the workplace report experiencing

2:12

microaggressions. And

2:15

some of that. One of the ways

2:17

that they use to measure that is people

2:19

reporting that they felt that they had to be very

2:22

careful when discussing their home

2:24

or personal life. And this was

2:26

a study that was just done in 2022.

2:28

So not that long ago, people

2:30

still reporting and expressing this. So

2:33

I think that's just like a very tangible way to show

2:36

that like across the board, it does,

2:38

unfortunately. Happen

2:40

quite often. But I think it's important

2:43

to acknowledge too, like. There

2:45

are unfortunately things to that.

2:48

Are more harmful than

2:50

microaggressions. I'm

2:53

just taking a moment to say.

2:55

Rest in peace to next Benedict who

2:57

should still be here with us. But

3:00

that was very much so. More

3:03

of a very, very

3:05

harmful physical hateful act.

3:08

That is very real as well.

3:11

And I just felt like I couldn't do this episode without

3:13

acknowledging that. Like,

3:16

this is so real, like what we have

3:18

to face. It's so real

3:20

and so tangible. Unfortunately.

3:22

But I think. Yeah,

3:26

that is so real, but microaggressions

3:28

are so real as well. And

3:30

so I think it's important that we discuss

3:33

them and how it pertains. Two

3:35

weddings because weddings are so

3:37

stereotypically, heteronormative

3:40

and straight and straight focused. And

3:43

gender role focused. That

3:45

unfortunately, this particular

3:48

chapter area of folks' lives just

3:51

tends to come with a lot more of

3:53

these microaggressions. So

3:55

first let's actually just take

3:57

a quick second to define what a microaggression

4:00

is. It's a

4:02

comment or action that subtly and

4:04

often unconsciously or

4:06

unintentionally. Expresses

4:09

a prejudice attitude toward a member

4:11

of a marginalized group. And

4:13

actually, when I was trying

4:15

to find like a good definition of this,

4:18

I saw a quote

4:20

from Emily Scott that says.

4:22

It argues that the power of microaggression

4:25

lies in its invisibility to

4:27

the perpetrator who typically

4:29

finds it difficult to believe that

4:31

he or she or they

4:33

possesses biased attitudes.

4:37

So I think that was really, really helpful

4:39

too, just to see that in writing that

4:41

a lot of times, these things are so

4:43

hard to handle because it's things

4:46

that. People aren't always

4:48

willing to, at least in the moment

4:50

except was wrong or weird,

4:52

or that they could possibly. Do

4:55

or say something. Weird

4:57

or hateful. And I think many of us

5:00

have like, experienced that in ourselves,

5:02

right? Like if we do something wrong, we

5:04

may not always realize it. And

5:06

it's hard to accept to, especially

5:08

if we didn't feel that it was wrong in the moment.

5:12

But that also can make it really

5:14

challenging to, to deal and

5:16

address and navigate a folks. Aren't

5:19

realizing or recognizing that it's

5:21

wrong. They're just so

5:23

much more hidden. And

5:25

a lot more nuanced, I think We'll

5:27

get more into that later, but I did

5:29

really want to also just

5:32

give credit where credit is due that

5:34

this term actually was first.

5:36

To find back in the 1970s by

5:39

black Harvard psychologist, Chester,

5:41

and Pierce. And he was really

5:43

using it from a place of

5:45

witnessing things that. White

5:48

people would do to nonwhite folks.

5:50

And so I just wanted to acknowledge that and give credit

5:53

to that. That, that is something

5:55

also so real that happens

5:57

all of the time in those communities as well.

6:01

So basically the too long didn't read version

6:03

is that it's like, Calling

6:05

someone out in a somewhat passive way

6:07

because of their membership to

6:10

some sort of minority group. And

6:13

so with that definition in

6:15

mind, I just,

6:17

I know that so many couples. Both

6:20

past, present and into

6:22

the future. Probably still too.

6:25

They. Deal with. Things

6:27

so much more hateful than just like

6:30

an offhand comment. And I don't want

6:32

to dismiss those experiences. Like

6:34

there are 195

6:37

countries. On our planet.

6:40

And only about 25 to 30 of these

6:42

countries recognize and allow

6:44

same-sex marriage nationwide.

6:47

So like, we've got a long way to go.

6:49

And just like thinking about

6:52

how many queer folks must be in

6:54

those places where. They

6:58

may still. Face like.

7:01

Jail time or severe hate

7:03

crimes because of how

7:05

they feel and who they love. Like

7:08

absolutely breaks my heart. And

7:10

so I also just. Really really

7:12

wanted to make sure to acknowledge that too. However,

7:15

I will say this again later in the episode.

7:17

That is so real. And we have

7:20

so much farther to go in

7:22

our world. But that doesn't

7:24

mean that it has to negate these

7:27

kinds of experiences. You

7:29

know, just because. You

7:31

haven't actively gotten punched in the

7:33

face by someone. From a homophobic

7:36

person. That doesn't mean

7:38

that like words and actions and these

7:40

things still can't hurt. Like your

7:42

feelings are so valid. Like you

7:45

as a person, you two as a couple, like

7:47

when you experienced these things, like it is still

7:49

so valid. You do not have to

7:51

be punched in the face for these things

7:54

to like hurt and for them to still

7:57

require being called out and for

7:59

us all to do better. Like.

8:02

Do you need to engage planning your wedding

8:05

or a low moment is supposed to be some of the happiest

8:08

moments of your life. And while

8:10

I know that a lot of people

8:12

who have planned or are planning,

8:14

weddings will. Tell you

8:16

that like, naturally this comes with

8:18

some level of stress. I think

8:21

as queer folks, there's just so many things,

8:23

more things that we have to think through

8:25

and really, really be wary about. And

8:28

things that we have to deal with that like,

8:31

Other couples just may not. So

8:35

I did want to give some examples of

8:37

what microaggressions can look like for

8:39

queer couples. And this is

8:41

by no means a comprehensive

8:43

list, but I did want to give.

8:46

Some examples, one for

8:49

those outside of the LGBTQ plus community

8:51

to sort of just see and understand

8:54

what I'm talking about. And maybe

8:56

use as just a little bit of a reflection

8:59

tool to see. Are

9:01

those things that you may be accidentally

9:04

sat or done and didn't realize.

9:06

Or are they things that maybe you've seen other

9:08

people do? And are now

9:10

able to. Maybe

9:13

call them out, going forward. And

9:15

for the queer folks listening, like.

9:18

I hope these are things that you never have to experience,

9:21

but maybe you have an,

9:24

you can relate. And if you've experienced

9:26

things outside of this, Would

9:28

love to hear. Other things

9:31

that I can call out in the future

9:33

just to let people know about. But. Right

9:37

off the bat. Going

9:39

to start out with a hot take that. I

9:42

honestly do feel that if you're not

9:44

using gender neutral language, On

9:46

your website and your contact form,

9:49

and like still have things that say bride

9:51

and groom. Like,

9:54

I'm going to be real with you. Like. That

9:56

does feel like a microaggression,

9:58

right? Like you're operating under the assumption

10:01

that anyone who comes to work with you. Is

10:04

straight like that

10:06

is giving the same energy as

10:08

when I go to the grocery store. And

10:11

I'm checking out and the cashier's like,

10:13

oh, I see you're married.

10:15

Who's your husband. Like, it's that

10:17

same energy

10:19

where they're just like, Sees me

10:22

see how I present automatically.

10:24

They're like husband, which is

10:26

obviously not true. I think it's really

10:28

just the same energy. So. Please

10:32

again. For the

10:34

40th time. You use

10:36

gender neutral language. I

10:39

think another big thing

10:41

is that if you

10:43

start to see or hear

10:45

or visibly witness someone getting

10:47

uncomfortable, when they find out that you're

10:50

queer, That is.

10:53

Microaggression. Like if

10:55

you're touring a venue and

10:57

the person giving the tours like,

11:00

oh, you know, like who's getting married and you

11:02

have to explain. Which

11:04

that's a whole other topic, like,

11:07

and they're like, oh, oh, Wow.

11:10

Cool. Cool. That is, that

11:12

is so cool. Wow.

11:15

Really, really cool.

11:18

Yeah, that was my bad impression,

11:20

but I I've definitely

11:23

seen that. Where vendors or

11:25

guests, family members, whomever

11:27

just like get uncomfortable and do

11:29

not know what to do with themselves. Like. I

11:32

have seen that so many times. Y'all

11:35

and it is just. It's

11:37

just a spiral because then I'm uncomfortable

11:40

that they're uncomfortable. And it's a whole

11:42

thing I'm like, that is so

11:44

sad, like that someone gets uncomfortable

11:47

by your existence. And

11:49

who you love and who you're getting married to. So,

11:54

Check yourself. If that's you. Please

11:56

don't do that. Another

11:58

thing is if it's

12:01

two female identifying people,

12:03

there's a lot of like, Oh,

12:05

okay. So like Monica, who was going to wear a dress and one

12:07

of you's gonna wear suit. Cool. Like, who's that going

12:09

to be? Like? I

12:12

think there's a lot of that still,

12:14

or just like general assumptions

12:16

about identities. Trying to still

12:19

put people into boxes, I think is really

12:21

what's happening. Like, oh, I need to figure

12:23

out like, who's the man in the relationship,

12:25

you know, same for couples

12:27

that have two male identifying

12:30

folks where they're like, well, one of them

12:32

is probably like a little bit more. I mean only

12:34

in one of them's probably like a little bit more flamboyant

12:37

or what have you like. No.

12:40

I like, and I think that, yeah.

12:43

Gay male couples often have this experience

12:46

too, where. There's

12:48

just a lot more judgment put on them

12:50

if one or both, or

12:52

either of them decide to present

12:55

or express a little bit more femininely

12:58

on that day. Like maybe they want to wear.

13:00

A jumpsuit or a dress or a skirt,

13:02

or maybe one of them wants to hold a bouquet

13:04

or maybe one of them wants

13:07

to have a ring. That's not just

13:09

a plain band. Crazy. What

13:11

a concept. Like, I think

13:14

they experienced that too of

13:16

just like. And

13:18

right. I think like, In both of these instances.

13:21

The microaggressions can just be

13:23

even like, Surprise.

13:25

Like if you are like, oh yeah.

13:28

Hey, like, You know,

13:31

I'm a man and I really want like

13:33

a big diamond ring and someone's like, oh,

13:36

okay. Really? Are you sure? Like,

13:39

I just, I never see that. Like, are you really

13:41

sure about that? Like, do you. Don't

13:43

don't you want to come look at these like silver

13:45

bands over here? Like. That

13:48

is kind of how those things would manifest.

13:52

I has the microaggression. So.

13:55

I think. Referencing

13:58

back to. What I was saying

14:00

about people getting uncomfortable. You

14:04

guys. The amount

14:06

of times that I have both

14:09

witnessed as well as like,

14:11

heard and seen of this

14:14

happening. Where people.

14:17

Just like. Cannot

14:20

comprehend. That

14:22

a queer or same-sex couple is

14:24

getting married to each other. It

14:26

was unreal like that should not

14:29

still. I just,

14:31

yeah. If you have

14:34

two. Explain

14:36

for any more than 10 seconds.

14:39

That you are getting married to each other

14:42

and you're not sisters, you're not best friends.

14:44

You're not just having a

14:46

wedding on the same day at the same

14:48

time. Like, come on, people like

14:51

put two, two together, like. It's

14:54

wild. How many

14:56

things in. Like

14:59

straight non-queer people's brains,

15:02

sometimes that they will jump through.

15:04

Like, they will go to the wildest

15:06

possible assumption first

15:08

before just being like, oh

15:11

yeah. Okay, cool. You're getting married to each other, like

15:13

moving on. How can I help you? Like,

15:16

that's just wild to me. Like,

15:20

you're really gonna be like,

15:22

oh my gosh, you guys are best friends

15:24

and you're having your wedding like the

15:27

same day in time. Like that's

15:29

so special. I'm so happy for like,

15:31

that's. I'm going to go before being

15:33

like, oh, okay, cool, cool. Like you're

15:35

getting married to each other. Awesome. Yeah.

15:39

Again, just like. I

15:41

know that's not outright rude,

15:44

but like it's still a microaggression.

15:46

It's like, You're

15:49

going. You're just assuming that

15:51

everybody is straight before.

15:54

Accepting that they're getting married to each other. Just

15:57

yeah. Wild. I

16:00

think. A big thing I see

16:02

too, is that. You

16:05

know, this is RDU been

16:07

discussed on other podcast episodes,

16:09

but frequently there is. To

16:12

getting ready rooms and frequently

16:15

they are. Decorated

16:18

in very gendered ways. Operating

16:21

under the assumption that there will be a man and a woman.

16:23

And if a queer couple

16:25

comes to tour. I

16:28

frequently hear too, like,

16:31

You know, using a lesbian couple as

16:33

an example. Using

16:35

my own relationship as an example.

16:38

Everybody would just like automatically

16:40

assume that my partner would

16:42

want the getting ready room with

16:45

the deer head and pool table, because

16:47

she is more masculine presenting, like.

16:51

How it might not be true. I mean,

16:53

Real talk. I don't think either of us would want

16:55

that kind of room, but you know, Just

16:58

saying that that is how it would present

17:00

itself. Just assuming, like,

17:02

based off of. How one

17:04

speaks or presents or their mannerisms

17:06

that they would want something and not the

17:08

other. I think that just relates

17:11

to so many things like so many vendors

17:13

like hair and makeup artists,

17:16

assuming that only

17:18

one out of the two people in the couple

17:20

will want hair and makeup. Or you

17:22

assume that neither of them will, because

17:24

maybe they're both masculine presenting. And

17:26

so therefore, why would they want hair

17:29

and makeup? So I think just

17:31

a lot of those, like assumptions.

17:34

And verbalizing and expressing those

17:36

assumptions to the couple like that

17:38

is a form of a microaggression. Okay.

17:42

This one. It's

17:45

a little bit controversial to talk about.

17:48

And I wasn't even sure at first, if I was going

17:50

to say it, but. I

17:52

am going to say it because I think it's important. So

17:55

a big thing that happens, especially

17:57

just in this last year, year and a half of

17:59

me. Saying that oh yeah.

18:01

Like I shoot primarily

18:03

queer LGBTQ weddings. I

18:06

get a lot of like, oh my God

18:08

girl, that slay

18:10

queen, like that's amazing.

18:12

They have the best parties.

18:15

And it's hard because like, you know, there is

18:17

a big part of me that's like, yes, absolutely.

18:20

Like gay weddings are the bus. Of

18:22

course I love them. And yes, I'm

18:24

biased, but like, yeah, they're the best.

18:27

But I think. And

18:30

this is not always the case. Like. I

18:33

know. Like pretty

18:35

much 99.9% of the time

18:38

when people say that, like, they're just being fun. They're trying

18:40

to connect. But I

18:42

think I just wanted to use that as an example.

18:45

Just to say, like, I

18:48

think that there might be. Some.

18:51

Elements of overgeneralizing

18:54

the community as well

18:56

as. Like some

18:59

form of exoticism.

19:01

Right. And I know that typically pertains

19:04

to. Like other

19:06

cultures, other races.

19:08

Things like that. But

19:11

just the idea of like, Sort

19:14

of like othering the community

19:16

and saying like, oh yeah, like

19:19

those are so cool. And like, those are so different.

19:22

And I think. Sometimes

19:26

people saying that sort of are like

19:29

operating under the assumption that like,

19:31

if you're queer and you're getting

19:33

married, you're just going to be yelling slay queen

19:36

and like have that kind of energy

19:38

for your whole day. Which like, if

19:40

that's you amazing run with that, that

19:42

like, there's nothing wrong with that. But. I

19:45

think it's, yeah, it's just a generalization

19:47

of the queer community and the queer experience.

19:50

And like almost them sort of

19:53

projecting what all queer weddings

19:55

are like. But it's like, hello?

19:58

Have you ever seen a rainbow? Like. There's

20:01

so many colorfuls, which is reflective of like

20:04

all sorts of nuances and different identities

20:06

and different lived experiences. And

20:08

different forms of expressing

20:10

ourselves and our love. That is not

20:12

all like. I,

20:16

I don't want a huge party

20:19

for my day. Like I don't, I

20:21

probably won't say is slay

20:23

queen one time during. I

20:26

mean. Now that I say that I probably

20:29

will say it, but. Like.

20:34

That is why I was not sure about whether or not

20:36

to include this one, because it

20:38

is like a very positive thing that people are saying

20:40

like, oh my God. Yes. Like

20:43

queer weddings are such a party, but it's like,

20:46

In some ways it's sort of just like,

20:49

okay, you believe, where is that coming from? Like,

20:52

what are you operating under?

20:54

Like not all of us have

20:56

the same kinds of weddings, you know? And

20:59

obviously yes, biasly. I

21:02

do think that there are the best. I always think that

21:04

there are the best kinds of parties, whatever party

21:06

means for you, but. Yeah,

21:09

I just encourage you. Like, if you have said

21:11

that, like, just reflect on like

21:13

where that's coming from. And I think just

21:15

the last thing that I'll point out is

21:18

I think sometimes. Again,

21:21

Like microaggressions. A lot

21:24

of time are unintentional and

21:26

they can even be like super well meaning.

21:28

But if that's not

21:30

how it's received, like that's

21:33

part of the problem as well. And

21:35

so I think something that I've seen

21:37

and heard a lot of too is.

21:40

Say you're queer couple. You're

21:42

reaching out to a vendor you're on a tour

21:45

or you're on a phone call. You're having some sort

21:47

of interaction with a vendor.

21:51

Or maybe it's a guest at your wedding that you

21:53

don't know very well or whatever the case

21:55

may be. And they sort of immediately.

21:58

Kind of ask. Personal

22:00

questions like how you

22:02

knew or how you came out or.

22:44

You know if maybe

22:46

one member of the couple

22:48

identifies as like transgender

22:50

or non-binary like trying to ask.

22:53

Questions that are just too far

22:55

too fast and like, not really for

22:57

you to know. Yeah, I

23:00

think. People mean it well,

23:02

but like, It just. It

23:05

is maybe not the right time or

23:07

for you to be asking those kinds of

23:09

deeply personal questions like

23:12

about their home life or about how they came out

23:14

or how they identify like. In

23:17

a deeper way. Yeah, I think.

23:20

Again, it's almost sort of seen as like,

23:25

Form of like othering or like exoticism,

23:28

like, oh my God, like I

23:30

never get to meet a queer person.

23:33

Like, let me ask you all these questions

23:35

that I've been wondering about. Like, I

23:37

know we were likely just trying to

23:39

connect, but like, we also

23:41

don't necessarily want to use

23:44

our wedding as an opportunity for you

23:46

to like learn and. Feel

23:49

like you got to talk to someone

23:51

that you don't normally. Oh,

23:53

that makes sense. So I

23:56

think it's also just like in closing,

23:58

talking about examples, like.

24:01

These are things people do outside

24:04

of the community, right? Like sometimes

24:07

those of us within the community, we can make

24:09

these fun, silly little jokes with one

24:11

another. Because we're doing

24:13

it. From member to member within

24:15

the community. So these are really coming

24:18

from the perspective that you are

24:20

outside of the community. And are, are

24:22

outside of our close circles.

24:25

And I think that

24:27

really goes back to that quote that I read earlier

24:30

about people believing

24:32

that they aren't biased because.

24:36

Same people can say things

24:38

like thinking that it's coming from a really

24:40

good place and that they don't have anything within

24:42

themselves to work through, but like, that's

24:46

not true, likely. And

24:48

so. For

24:50

the couples listening. Please

24:53

know that your feelings are valid

24:55

and you are seen, and you are not

24:57

alone in this. So many

24:59

couples face this regularly,

25:02

both in their day-to-day lives

25:04

and their jobs. Maybe

25:07

in their friend or family circles even.

25:09

So please, please, please just know. That

25:12

you are not alone. That's the encouraging

25:15

bit. The less encouraging

25:17

bit is that. It is

25:19

fairly likely that you will experience

25:21

this during your process. Just

25:24

keeping it real, but the things

25:26

that I'll say here to provide a little bit of support

25:28

is to one. Please make

25:31

sure to take time for yourself

25:33

and to do things that feel like self

25:35

care specifically to you throughout this process.

25:39

You know, if you are working

25:41

with a vendor, that's started to

25:43

give you a little bit of weird vibes.

25:46

Like. Make sure that

25:48

you take the time and space

25:50

you need. Two.

25:53

Yeah. Just remind yourself that whatever

25:56

they, they say or do is not a reflection

25:58

of you or your value or your worth.

26:02

But following up on that, the second thing is

26:04

it's really, really important if

26:06

at all possible, if you can help. Or

26:09

if you can enlist the help of friends.

26:12

Or family members or maybe a planner

26:14

that's supporting you to help communicate

26:16

with other vendors or guests. And

26:19

I think something really cool too,

26:21

that you could do with this person

26:23

is. Prior to

26:25

either your wedding day. Or like

26:28

sort of bigger milestone

26:30

interactions with vendors. Like

26:33

just go over things.

26:36

That you can do if you start to feel

26:38

uncomfortable. Which

26:40

is a good segue into my third point here. And

26:43

one of the things that you can do is

26:45

just say. What

26:47

did you mean by that? Like if someone

26:50

says something or does something

26:52

or ask something or makes a

26:54

comment. Simply just saying,

26:56

Hey can, can you explain what you

26:59

meant by that? Like, I

27:01

know that might feel a little bit uncomfortable,

27:04

but I do find that, just sort of saying

27:06

that is like, A

27:10

way that doesn't necessarily

27:12

have to feel super scary, but

27:14

is still a way for you to

27:16

sort of ask that person to stop

27:19

and. Pause and reflect. Because

27:21

I think that just by you

27:23

asking them that question, It

27:26

forces them to be like, oh wait, What

27:28

just came out of my mouth. Like, what did I just

27:31

do? Why did I. Yeah, there

27:33

was kind of weird. Like why did I say that?

27:35

But it's also, I think. A

27:38

way that like keeps you from

27:40

feeling that you are not threatening them.

27:42

Right. Like I think if something were to happen,

27:45

like a lot of queer folks maybe start to

27:47

feel nervous or worried or scared. And

27:49

don't necessarily want to. Make

27:52

the situation worse. If they're starting to feel.

27:56

That someone may feel some

27:58

kind of way about them and don't want to make the situation

28:00

worse. But I think that just

28:02

by like slowing down. Pausing

28:06

asking a super simple question is

28:08

a good way for you to be. Like.

28:12

Hey, what's going on here, buddy.

28:14

Like explain it to me. The

28:16

fourth thing that I will say is

28:19

I really encourage you to join.

28:21

Some Facebook groups whether

28:24

this is your like local city

28:26

or states, just like general

28:28

queer LGBTQ Facebook

28:30

group. Or there are some

28:32

specific ones that I'm going to link

28:35

in the show notes. That are

28:37

specifically for LGBTQ

28:40

couples planning their weddings. They're not

28:42

like run or associated with me.

28:44

I just am and them, and

28:47

really love seeing couples. Use

28:49

it as a resource to basically be like,

28:52

Hey. What should we do about

28:54

this? Or, Hey, this just happened or, Hey,

28:56

are any of you going through this

28:58

or. You know, they're also just

29:00

really fun planning resources.

29:02

And I think it's really important to. To

29:05

be in community in this process

29:07

just to basically be like, Hey, like, is anyone

29:09

else experiencing this? Like, how

29:12

did you handle it? Do you have any suggestions?

29:14

Like. I think it's so, so powerful

29:17

to speak to others who

29:19

have the same experience as you so highly

29:21

recommend. And

29:23

just finally, and lastly,

29:27

Just know that you are worthy

29:30

and you were loved and you deserve to

29:32

have the best day ever, regardless

29:34

of what people say or do. There

29:36

was a lot of silly people in this world

29:39

who. Whether it

29:41

is intentional or unintentional.

29:44

Likely will. Maybe

29:46

cause a little bit of Harmer sadness

29:49

and that does not say

29:52

a singular thing about

29:54

who you are or your worth. So

29:56

please just hear that. I

29:59

know it's tough. Like. I'm

30:03

not exempt from this. Like I experienced

30:05

these things all the time and usually

30:08

when I experienced them, it doesn't feel so

30:10

great. And. Especially,

30:12

I think with the religious

30:15

trauma aspect of things, I

30:17

can even make me question or.

30:20

Depending on what it is and make me smile a little

30:22

bit and be like, oh my God, my wrong, like.

30:25

And that's obviously not the case for everyone,

30:27

but. I do know, Sometimes

30:29

these microaggressions, don't

30:32

give you micro feelings and that's

30:34

valid, but it's still doesn't say

30:36

anything about who you are. So

30:39

just really want it to make that super clear. For

30:42

those of you listening, who are outside

30:45

of the community for vendors. An

30:47

allies. This is what I would like to say to you.

30:50

First of all. I think anything

30:53

around this conversation, like. It's

30:55

really easy for people to immediately be like,

30:57

oh my God, am I a bad person or whatever?

30:59

Like, No. If

31:02

you have. Said or

31:04

done any of the things on the list or

31:06

maybe something on that list made you think

31:09

of something else that you may have

31:11

done, like. You are

31:13

not a bad person. Let's just start

31:15

there. Like we've all done things.

31:17

I've done things that

31:19

I don't love that I may

31:21

or may not have realized. So

31:24

let's just start there. Okay. Take a deep breath.

31:27

But I think I've said this many, many

31:29

times throughout this podcast. And

31:32

I will say it again because it's applicable

31:34

and it's important just. A

31:37

general rule just don't assume.

31:39

Okay. Like it's the same energy

31:41

is not assuming pronouns. Just

31:44

don't assume things or roles

31:46

or what a couple will want. Always

31:49

ask open-ended questions,

31:51

ask as many questions as possible,

31:54

like that is going to give you the best

31:56

possible outcome. And

31:58

is going to signal to couples that

32:00

you want to listen

32:02

to them and you want to support them

32:04

and you want to do what feels right for them.

32:07

So asking questions is number one. Number

32:10

two, talk to other queer folks

32:12

like I'm here. My DMS are open.

32:15

If you're wondering about how to handle something

32:18

or want to learn something. Or

32:20

have specific questions. And

32:22

when I say specific questions, I mean, like,

32:26

You know, how should I. Address

32:29

someone when blah, blah, blah, like specific

32:32

like that, I don't necessarily mean like specific

32:34

to the couple. Cause you should. Be talking

32:36

to the couple about that. Or if you have

32:39

like queer friends and family members

32:41

and you're like, Hey. Do

32:43

you have like. The energy

32:46

and capacity and time and space to

32:48

answer this question. I have

32:50

about this queer couple that I'm working with. Like,

32:52

I really want to serve them well, but I

32:55

maybe just haven't done a wedding like this before,

32:58

or just like, feel unsure, like.

33:00

Ask other people to like learn

33:02

from other people in the community. In

33:05

a respectful way. Number

33:07

three is if you feel you accidentally

33:09

said or did something. It's

33:12

okay. Apologize and move

33:14

on and just use it as a learning

33:16

experience. Like. Same

33:19

thing as if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns

33:22

or mis-gender apologize. Move on.

33:24

Learn. Grow. And

33:26

a story. The next thing is,

33:29

please check in with yourself. I

33:31

know it's really, really hard to look inwards,

33:33

especially when you're trying to like, figure

33:36

out if you have any of these biases.

33:38

Like that's really, really hard. And

33:40

it's something that I need to always

33:42

be doing with myself too. Like

33:45

I think there's all things we can be working

33:47

on. But I encourage you to try

33:50

and what am I actually gonna do is

33:52

I'm going to link some

33:54

books in the show notes. They actually just Talk

33:56

more about this topic. And

33:59

we'll have some resources in the books too,

34:01

just as far as how to reflect and

34:03

how to move forward. So.

34:07

That's what I'm going to say to both a

34:10

couples in the community and those outside

34:12

of the community. As far as how to address

34:14

this. And.

34:17

It's sort of hard to like end this episode

34:19

because I think. Some

34:22

of this or all of this really feels

34:24

like a damper, you know, like it's

34:26

not fun to think about microaggressions.

34:29

It's not fun to think about the fact that

34:32

these things are pretty unavoidable.

34:34

Like. If

34:36

you can avoid all of these things for your wedding.

34:38

That's great. That's amazing. I hope that

34:41

is 100% the case.

34:44

But that probably means you're going to face it in other

34:46

areas of life. And like that sucks.

34:48

So, and the other

34:51

thing about this too. That I want

34:53

to say before I close out and I know this

34:55

is a pretty long solo episode, so

34:57

thank you for sticking with me, but. I

34:59

think it's also important to note that

35:01

the thing about microaggressions. Because

35:04

you're not getting punched in the face. It

35:06

leaves a lot of room for. Questioning

35:09

yourself and comparing

35:12

yourself. Those are the two things

35:14

I think that come up with these things is like one

35:16

will like. Oh, my God. Well, You

35:19

know, this person said this thing, but it

35:21

wasn't really that bad. So like, Y you

35:23

know who might've say. Or

35:26

someone says something that could

35:28

most definitely be a microaggression.

35:32

But you walk away and you're like, well,

35:34

I don't know. And like, maybe

35:36

I'm just being crazy. Maybe I'm just,

35:38

you know, whatever. And it's really easy to guess.

35:40

Let yourself. I've

35:43

never done that before. Why do you ask

35:45

just kidding. Definitely done that before.

35:48

And so I think. Yeah,

35:50

I can, it can just be challenging

35:52

to, to deal with. But

35:55

again, like if you're are

35:57

experiencing this or planning your wedding or

35:59

have experiences like. Please

36:02

try as hard as you can

36:04

to not invalidate yourself. Or

36:06

to make yourself feel bad by comparing

36:08

yourself to other experiences. Because

36:11

these things are real. And they

36:13

suck. They really do, but my hope

36:15

is that going forward, we

36:18

can all reflect and

36:20

learn and grow. And

36:22

truly like. Hopefully

36:25

like having this conversation, both

36:27

with folks in the community, as well as

36:29

outside of the community. Like

36:32

we can all reflect on this on

36:34

our own ways. And that will have a really positive

36:36

ripple effect that will spread into how we

36:38

treat everyone, especially.

36:41

Those in other marginalized communities

36:44

that maybe we aren't a part

36:46

of So I think there's just like a lot of

36:48

reflection to be done. And

36:51

a lot of growth, but that means

36:54

so much hope for the future and that

36:57

The amount of microaggressions that

36:59

we all have to face in one way or another. Continue

37:01

to dwindle as we make the worlds.

37:04

A better place. So. Clearly

37:07

beloved. Thank you so, so much

37:09

for sticking with me in this longer

37:11

episode. I hope that it's given

37:13

you some things to think about. I hope

37:15

that it has made you feel validated

37:19

or made you inspired

37:21

to just reflect and ask

37:23

questions and grow, whatever it might be. I

37:25

appreciate you all and I hope you all

37:27

have an amazing day.