0:00

Today I wanted to talk about a

0:00

subject that is really important

0:05

when you grow when you grow as a

0:05

human, when you grow as a

0:09

leader, when you are facing new

0:09

challenges, because what I've

0:14

noticed is that every time we

0:14

reach a new level in our lives

0:19

or in our career, we also meet a

0:19

new devil. So this personal

0:24

growth and development is never

0:24

finished. And it's like, every

0:29

time we have to dig a little bit

0:29

deeper in ourself to solve

0:34

something that is holding us

0:34

back, and keeping us from

0:38

growing even more. That's why

0:38

also these these challenges, and

0:43

these crisis moments are really

0:43

important because, yes, they are

0:49

not comfortable. Of course, in

0:49

the moment, we hate them,

0:53

because we don't like how they

0:53

make us feel often like

0:58

failures. But at the end, it's

0:58

those moments that really make

1:03

us grow. And that's what I

1:03

wanted to talk about in this

1:07

episode, and how it functions,

1:07

what our basic needs are as

1:12

human beings, and how we can

1:12

then grow. I'm Murielle, CEO,

1:17

mom, an educator, I used to work

1:17

really hard and sacrifice the

1:22

important things to me until I

1:22

lost my motivation. Fast

1:26

forwards passed many failed

1:26

attempts and lessons learned.

1:31

And I found a way to reach great

1:31

results while working less.

1:36

Today, I'm obsessed with helping

1:36

other leaders builds meaningful

1:41

lives. So each week, I'll be

1:41

sharing inspiration to change

1:46

your life and organisation. This

1:46

is rebel leader with a heart.

1:51

And so to help you better grow

1:51

as a person, I wanted to go back

1:56

a little bit in time, and also

1:56

back to some basics and how we

2:01

function as human beings.

2:01

Because we all have three basic

2:05

needs. We have the needs of

2:05

safety and security. And often

2:10

with that comes to question Do I

2:10

have enough? We have the need of

2:15

belonging. And with that comes

2:15

the question, am I loved enough?

2:21

And we have the need of self

2:21

worth? and with that comes the

2:25

question, am I good enough or

2:25

simply EMI enough. And in

2:30

childhoods, everything we do is

2:30

to satisfy those three needs,

2:35

belonging, safety and self

2:35

worth. So for instance, I was a

2:40

very successful student, I

2:40

usually had good grades in

2:44

school and success in sports and

2:44

in everything I did. Because for

2:49

me, that was my way to get

2:49

recognition, but also to get

2:54

love in my family. But for other

2:54

people, it can be that you have

2:59

become someone really funny,

2:59

because that was the way for you

3:04

to get those three needs. Or

3:04

maybe to release some tensions

3:09

within your family, you became

3:09

the funny person. otters can

3:13

become the supporting person

3:13

who's always there for other

3:18

people, always supporting those

3:18

in needs. Because that was also

3:23

how you got love and how you got

3:23

recognition in your family or

3:28

sometimes how you got safety

3:28

also, that's really important

3:33

because not all of us have grown

3:33

up in save families. Some

3:38

families were harder to be in

3:38

than otters are sometimes big

3:43

events happens in the families

3:43

that made you become this kind

3:48

of person. Then I have friends

3:48

for whom being pretty, and being

3:53

very feminine was really

3:53

important. And they were the

3:57

little princess of the family.

3:57

And otters were very loud

4:02

because being loud was important

4:02

if you want it to be heard in

4:07

your family. And and you had to

4:07

take your place by being loud

4:12

and by shouting. And so all

4:12

these things that we developed

4:16

in our childhoods and in our

4:16

teenage times, well, those were

4:21

serving us because that was

4:21

really the way to fulfil these

4:26

three basic needs. But sometimes

4:26

when we grow, we certainly don't

4:31

want to simply comply to what

4:31

others expect. We start really

4:36

looking into what is really

4:36

important for me, what are my

4:41

values? What do I want from from

4:41

my life, and so we start

4:45

growing. And then sometimes the

4:45

behaviours that has served us so

4:51

well when we were children can

4:51

stand in the way and they can

4:56

really stand in the way because

4:56

you need to friend sent these

5:01

behaviours if you want to grow.

5:01

And the problem is that this

5:05

happens often not mentally,

5:05

because mentally and rationally

5:10

you know how you should behave

5:10

differently. This happens often

5:15

somatically. And I'm just going

5:15

to give you an example, a

5:20

personal example. I'm currently

5:20

in the middle of my lunch well,

5:25

currently when I'm recording

5:25

this podcast, but because now

5:30

that you are listening, I

5:30

already finished the launch. And

5:35

we put a lot of preparation in

5:35

this lounge, we had prepared a

5:39

quiz and empowerment quiz for

5:39

this launch, webinars, Facebook

5:44

ads, we had prepared a lot and

5:44

put a lot of effort in this

5:49

launch. And then we started our

5:49

first ads. And there was

5:54

something happening between

5:54

Facebook and Apple iOS that made

5:59

the Facebook ads, not as

5:59

profitable as in the past. So in

6:03

the past, we would have very

6:03

cheap leads. But now suddenly,

6:08

the leads were almost five times

6:08

as expensive. So we stopped

6:13

these ads, because they were too

6:13

expensive. And then we also send

6:18

the first email for the people

6:18

to subscribe to our webinar

6:23

through solver and also to our

6:23

database. And they're in the

6:28

very beginning, we didn't get a

6:28

lot of subscriptions. And for

6:33

me, this led to really a big

6:33

crisis. This really led to a big

6:38

crisis, because I was just at

6:38

the beginning of my launch, but

6:43

I had this idea that maybe this

6:43

launch is going to fail. And

6:48

just the idea that maybe this

6:48

launch is going to fail. And I

6:53

lost my motivation. I had a lot

6:53

of anxiety in my in my body. And

6:58

I was questioning everything

6:58

because of that. And then, of

7:02

course I analysed myself, I'm

7:02

teaching you a lot of things, so

7:08

I have to apply them to myself

7:08

as well. And at the beginning, I

7:13

felt Yeah, but this is linked to

7:13

my safety needs, because I need

7:18

this financial stability. And

7:18

because I don't have it yet,

7:23

that's why I have these anxiety.

7:23

And that's what I need to solve.

7:28

Either I have to develop a more

7:28

abundance mindset and trust that

7:33

it's going to be okay, or I have

7:33

to have recurring revenues. But

7:38

then by really analysing this, I

7:38

noticed. Yeah, no, it's not that

7:44

it's not financial security,

7:44

because in fact, we are making

7:48

much more revenue than last

7:48

year. And I still have a lot of

7:53

cash on my bank account. So and

7:53

I don't have to make that much

7:58

revenue this year to be

7:58

breakeven. So this is really not

8:03

the real cause. It might be my

8:03

excuse or what I think, but it's

8:08

not my cause. And so I dig a

8:08

little bit deeper. And I

8:12

realised that what I was feeling

8:12

at that moment was something

8:17

that I have felt very often I

8:17

felt, it's during my studies,

8:22

I've always passed my exam in

8:22

the first session. So I was

8:27

really successful. But every

8:27

time at the end of an exam

8:31

session for the last exam, I

8:31

would be completely stressed, I

8:36

would nothing could come into my

8:36

head anymore. I would be really

8:41

depressed. And I truly believed

8:41

that I would fail, I would fail.

8:47

And this was the end of it. And

8:47

I remember my mother at the time

8:52

already saying to me, yeah, but

8:52

Murielle this is what you you

8:57

say all the time. You always say

8:57

that and then you always get

9:02

good grades. But in the moment

9:02

somatically I was really feeling

9:07

this high anxiety in my body and

9:07

it was clouding my mind. And

9:12

then when I was the CEO of

9:12

blockchain and that I

9:16

transformed the organisation. Of

9:16

course, I had financial security

9:21

I I never earned that much money

9:21

in my life, then at that time,

9:26

but I still had these phases

9:26

where just the idea that I might

9:31

fail would trigger big anxiety

9:31

in me and not only big anxiety,

9:36

but would question my

9:36

motivation, I would lose my

9:40

motivation. I would feel like

9:40

maybe I should quit. This isn't

9:45

for me. And now that I launched

9:45

and I always got through it

9:50

again, I was very successful

9:50

there in the transformation. And

9:55

then now I'm launching my own

9:55

company or working in my own

10:00

company and I had this again,

10:00

and it's not the first time I

10:05

have this since I'm launching

10:05

this business and growing and

10:09

scaling the organisation, I've

10:09

had it several times. And every

10:14

time at the end, when I look

10:14

back, when I look back, I think

10:19

this was a great year, we had

10:19

great challenges, we overcome

10:24

them all, we had great revenues

10:24

and profits. But that's when I

10:29

look back. It's not how I feel

10:29

when I look forward. And so

10:34

every time, I just have the idea

10:34

that I might fail, I have a huge

10:39

anxiety, a huge loss of

10:39

motivation, I can question

10:43

everything again. And so I

10:43

really dug deeper into that. And

10:48

that is because I have received

10:48

love and recognition. As a child

10:53

only when I was successful, I

10:53

unfortunately, in my younger

10:58

years, I haven't received this

10:58

unconditional love only when I

11:03

was successful. And so I came to

11:03

believe, also that I didn't need

11:08

really, that love and that

11:08

trust. And it really helped me

11:13

become this successful person,

11:13

because I succeeded in

11:17

everything I did in my life, but

11:17

always with a very high anxiety.

11:23

And so today, what I'm doing is

11:23

I'm trying to work symmetrically

11:28

on that anxiety, because those

11:28

were behaviours that I have

11:32

developed from a very young age,

11:32

and these are deeply ingrained.

11:38

And I know, these aren't serving

11:38

me anymore, because it isn't

11:43

serving me when I feel like

11:43

quitting and I lose my

11:47

motivation and, and I retreat in

11:47

instead of just trusting that

11:52

it's going to be okay, and if

11:52

it's not putting new actions in

11:57

place, which is the way to

11:57

success. So I know that mentally

12:02

I understand it, I've read a lot

12:02

about it. And, and even, I can

12:07

tell myself, but you know,

12:07

Murielle, you've been in this

12:11

cycle so many times, you know,

12:11

it's going to be okay in the

12:16

end. But the problem is that my

12:16

mind knows it, but my whole body

12:21

doesn't. So I had to work really

12:21

somatically and I still have to

12:27

work somatically on that. And

12:27

what I mean by that is first of

12:31

all, not especially escaping

12:31

because when I'm in this high

12:36

anxiety, I'm very action

12:36

oriented, like probably a lot of

12:41

you either I'm going to act from

12:41

this place of fear and anxiety,

12:46

which is completely unnecessary,

12:46

because sometimes I just have to

12:51

trust the process. Or sometimes

12:51

it's, it's really so

12:56

uncomfortable that I want to

12:56

change that feeling immediately.

13:01

And as I start judging myself,

13:01

and I start thinking, Okay, how

13:06

can I change this? How can I

13:06

change my negative emotion into

13:11

a positive one? What can I do to

13:11

change it? Well, in fact, what I

13:16

first have to do is simply learn

13:16

to accept, really learn to

13:21

accept this anxiety, that it's

13:21

there, that it has served me

13:25

that it is still serving me from

13:25

time to time, because I just

13:30

heard a video, a YouTube video

13:30

where somebody was telling Yeah,

13:36

if you were happy all the time,

13:36

you wouldn't adapt, and you

13:40

wouldn't evolve and probably as

13:40

a species, you would not

13:45

survive. So those feelings,

13:45

those negative emotions that we

13:50

have, they have a purpose, they

13:50

have the purpose for us to grow.

13:55

And so if I want to grow, I have

13:55

really to learn to accept these

14:00

negative emotions and just see

14:00

them as that. And so that's what

14:05

I tried to do now is when I'm

14:05

aware of it, because sometimes

14:10

you are caught in the middle of

14:10

that negative emotion and you

14:15

already think what can I do to

14:15

change it. Now I simply try to

14:20

bring tenderness to those fears

14:20

to that anxiety to accept that

14:25

it is there. Sometimes I even

14:25

put my hands on my heart in my

14:30

chest because it's often there

14:30

that I feel the anxiety, it's

14:35

it's in my chest as it's

14:35

compressed. I just bring my

14:39

hands there. I breathe. And I'm

14:39

just imagining that it's going

14:44

to be okay, it's going to be

14:44

okay. And what also helps is

14:49

doing some meditations in that

14:49

moment, or watching videos of

14:54

people that have failed and

14:54

failed and failed. And in the

14:58

end, we're very, very

14:58

successful. That also helps but

15:03

I try them To accept and to take

15:03

care of my body to take care of

15:08

my emotions, and instead of

15:08

trying to escape it. And so just

15:13

think for a second, how did you

15:13

satisfy those needs of

15:17

belonging, safety and self

15:17

worth, in your childhood and in

15:22

your teenage years? And is this

15:22

behaviour still serving you

15:27

today? Or are you like me, and

15:27

it can bring you a lot of

15:31

stress, because a lot of people

15:31

who, who have been successful

15:36

very often, and we have been

15:36

good students, well, they

15:41

struggle with today's times that

15:41

are moving so fast, where people

15:46

tell you, you have to work a

15:46

child, you have to work in

15:51

little steps, but and that you

15:51

have to fail forwards. But it's

15:56

really deeply ingrained in you

15:56

that it's not okay to make a

16:00

mistake, it's not okay to not

16:00

foresee everything in advance.

16:05

And still, you have to change.

16:05

So, what is the behaviour that

16:10

is being triggered? in you, when

16:10

things don't go as planned? Or

16:15

that is standing in the way of

16:15

your success? And how can you

16:20

bring some tenderness to those

16:20

behaviours, and simply accept

16:25

them, accept that I have served

16:25

you, and increase your energy

16:30

and take care of yourself so

16:30

that you then can move forwards.

16:35

And last week, I talked about

16:35

this with with a friend of mine.

16:40

And she asked me a great

16:40

question, she asked me, who are

16:45

you when you're not successful?

16:45

And I never thought about that

16:50

question. Who am I if I'm not

16:50

successful, because my whole

16:55

being has been forged and formed

16:55

to be successful all the time.

17:00

So I was really thinking about

17:00

that, who am I? If I'm not

17:04

successful? And maybe you can

17:04

ask yourself that question as

17:09

well? Or Who are you? If you're

17:09

not funny? You're Who are you?

17:14

If you're not this supporting

17:14

person? Or Who are you? If

17:19

you're not pretty you're Who are

17:19

you? If you're not loads? Or who

17:24

are you then? And I, I was

17:24

jogging den with another friend?

17:29

And I was talking to her about

17:29

this question. And, and she

17:34

said, me, yeah, well, who are

17:34

you then Murielle. And so I was

17:39

thinking about it. And I was

17:39

thinking about some moments

17:43

where, where I felt like, I'm

17:43

not successful for the moments,

17:48

whether I am or not, that's how

17:48

I felt. And I noticed then that

17:53

every time I feel like that,

17:53

there are some benefits, because

17:58

I am much more accessible. I'm

17:58

not this, this person that

18:03

everyone thinks, so Wow, you're

18:03

really doing great, I'm then

18:08

accessible, I am vulnerable. I'm

18:08

also asking for help, I'm also

18:13

letting go able to just let go

18:13

and enjoy life and enjoy the

18:18

little things in life. like

18:18

going out, when we still could

18:22

go out of course, or helping

18:22

someone else or just cooking

18:27

something or, or even doing the

18:27

dishes or doing the laundry,

18:32

then I start just enjoying the

18:32

simple things of life. And I am

18:37

much more accessible and much

18:37

more vulnerable. And I create

18:42

deeper connections every time.

18:42

I've had like this crisis. And

18:47

for me, the crisis is always

18:47

linked to that the idea that I

18:52

might fail, it's just the idea

18:52

because if I fail, I'm not

18:56

worried. If I fail, I know I can

18:56

deal with it. It's just the idea

19:02

that I might feel that it's

19:02

worse for me than the failing

19:06

itself. But every time I've been

19:06

in this crisis, I shared with

19:11

others. And I've created deeper

19:11

connections also, and I was able

19:17

to let go also in that moment,

19:17

and and to grow and to reconnect

19:22

to what was really important for

19:22

me. So ask yourself the question

19:27

as well, who are you when you

19:27

are not successful? And how can

19:32

you then bring these nice

19:32

elements also into your everyday

19:37

life because I'm really

19:37

convinced that it's when I'm

19:41

able to completely let go of the

19:41

result and the need to be

19:46

successful, that I am

19:46

successful. It's really ironic

19:50

and I've witnessed this a couple

19:50

of times already, in

19:54

conversations with with really

19:54

key people when I let go of the

19:59

need of being successful, that's

19:59

when I'm truly connected to the

20:04

other person and to myself. And

20:04

that's when at the end, I reach

20:10

really great results and not

20:10

when I'm in, in resistance

20:14

really chasing it at all costs

20:14

with a lot of effort. That's

20:19

what I wanted to talk about what

20:19

are the behaviours that you have

20:24

created? That might might not

20:24

always serve you today? And just

20:29

bring some tenderness to the

20:29

anxiety that you might feel when

20:34

those behaviours are standing in

20:34

the way or when those fears

20:39

linked to those basic needs are

20:39

there. Well, thank you and we'll

20:44

see each other next week. Bye.

20:44

Yeah, you finished another

20:49

episode of rebel leader with a

20:49

heart. If you want more, go to

20:54

rebelleaderwithaheart.com for

20:54

show notes and past episodes. If

20:59

you love the show, subscribe,

20:59

leave a review and share it with

21:04

your friends, the more the

21:04

merrier. Thanks for tuning in

21:09

and have a great week you rebel

21:09

leader with a heart.