0:00

I remember what it felt like in

0:02

December of 2014 , when

0:04

I had just gone into our bedroom

0:07

and told my husband that I loved

0:09

him and I wanted to make our marriage work

0:11

, but I could not continue

0:13

living in the conditions

0:15

that we were living under . We were fighting all

0:17

of the time . He was wanting

0:20

to move forward with a divorce and

0:22

constantly holding that over my head

0:24

, and it just wasn't a safe space in our

0:26

home anymore . When it comes to being open

0:28

and transparent , I couldn't live with

0:30

it anymore . I remember going out to my

0:32

car and just sitting in the driveway

0:34

waiting for him to come after me

0:37

, and he never came . I

0:39

remember calling my parents and saying

0:41

I feel so ashamed and

0:44

I feel so embarrassed like I can't

0:46

get a divorce . This isn't how my

0:48

story was supposed to end . From

0:51

that point forward , for probably about the next

0:54

year or two , what I really

0:56

struggled with was why my

0:58

husband didn't love me , and was

1:00

I even lovable ? Was

1:03

I even good enough ? It wasn't

1:05

until I finally made a decision

1:07

to stop focusing

1:09

on how my husband was treating me or what he

1:11

thought of me , or even what he was doing , and

1:14

to really start focusing on something

1:16

else that everything changed

1:18

in my life . Today , my

1:21

husband and I have an amazing marriage

1:23

, because the time of filming

1:25

yesterday was my birthday and I tend to start

1:27

my birthdays journaling and one of the things I

1:29

journaled was I have an

1:31

amazing marriage , my husband is my best friend

1:34

and this is the marriage I had always wanted

1:36

. It is absolutely taken work

1:39

to get there . That's what

1:41

we're going to talk about today . Today , I'm joined

1:43

with Nathan , and Nathan is one

1:45

of the amazing people on our team who speaks

1:48

with you all , who speaks with

1:50

the people who call in , who are looking for help , looking

1:52

for the next steps , who are likely

1:55

in the state I was in , or worse

1:57

, by the time they talk to you . What

2:00

are some common things that you hear , nathan ?

2:01

Oh my gosh . Well

2:05

, I hear a lot . There's

2:07

a lot that goes on . Obviously

2:10

, one of the things I like to tell people all the time and it's

2:12

very , very true is that I have my story

2:14

, you have your story , and every

2:17

single person that I speak with throughout the day has

2:19

their story , and there are common themes

2:22

in many situations . But I want to make

2:24

sure to be very clear that

2:27

, in the case of you , for example

2:29

, only your story is like your story

2:32

and only my story

2:34

is like mine . For any of the

2:36

, for the woman that I spoke with earlier today

2:38

, her story , while it has some similar themes

2:40

to others , there's nobody

2:42

else with her story . One

2:45

of the things I want to make sure to be very clear about is , as

2:47

I talk about common themes , I

2:50

will never , ever , say to anyone

2:52

on the phone I hate to hear about people

2:54

like this all the time , because

2:56

I don't , because

2:59

if any single person comes to me with

3:01

a similar theme , it's always got their nuance and it's always

3:03

got their pain and

3:05

their pain is distinctly

3:07

theirs . One of the things

3:09

that I do notice a lot is

3:12

I

3:14

notice fear , a lot

3:17

of fear . Fear of the unknown , fear

3:19

of the known , fear of their

3:22

perceived lack of capabilities

3:24

, fear of their spouse

3:26

. I notice

3:28

a lot of different things

3:31

that come from the unknown . I

3:34

notice people grasping for control

3:36

all day , every

3:39

day , sometimes successfully

3:41

, sometimes unsuccessfully , many

3:45

times unsuccessfully . And

3:48

I do notice a lot of panic . It's

3:50

like Hercules , the old pain and panic . Pain

3:54

and panic . They run rampant through

3:57

my phone calls because I like to think of what

3:59

I do . I'm almost like a triage

4:01

nurse for marriage helper . What

4:03

our team does is for those

4:05

of you who set up a call with us

4:07

. There's a good likelihood that I'm going to be the one

4:10

you speak to , and

4:12

being that first

4:14

forward facing person

4:16

gives

4:18

me the opportunity and I

4:21

honestly I look at it as an opportunity

4:23

to be the first person just to say

4:25

I hear you and I'm sorry for

4:28

what you're going through . And

4:30

no judgment , no shame , no

4:33

blame . Yeah you

4:35

could be running around with your head on fire and

4:38

I am not gonna judge you for that , but

4:43

it gives me a great opportunity to Kind

4:45

of just say okay , we're gonna take 30 minutes now for you

4:47

just to breathe and do something you haven't

4:49

done in a long time , and that's just chill out . So

4:52

yeah , they're all over the place .

4:54

It's a scatter pattern of

4:57

themes , but some

4:59

commonalities , yeah yeah , I

5:01

appreciate your the

5:03

, the way you look at it and the way you approach it with

5:06

every single person is unique and

5:08

I believe that's something that maybe can get

5:10

Buried a little

5:12

bit in , especially in when

5:15

Joe and I talk , when he's in your chair

5:17

right one of the things that we commonly

5:19

say is the principles that

5:21

we teach are 80% foundational

5:23

and and Apply

5:26

to every situation , and then 20%

5:28

unique to you and figuring out how

5:30

to how to implement them in your specific situation

5:32

. And so , probably from our seats

5:35

, many people here like , oh , we

5:37

are kind of all of the same , and so I do

5:40

appreciate that there's the aspect of Well

5:43

, while there's a similar hurt and pain

5:45

, overall your specific

5:47

situation is because that's what people want

5:50

. They want to know I'm heard

5:52

, I'm seen , I'm cared for for

5:55

who I am and what I'm going through and that's

5:57

sometimes what people need , but

6:00

that's not always the best thing to

6:03

keep them from moving forward right right

6:05

.

6:06

yet the the issue with

6:09

going from a place of

6:11

solitude and

6:14

Loneliness , because , let's be

6:16

honest , I tell people all the time on the phone , no

6:18

one wears a t-shirt that says help me , my marriage sucks

6:20

right . Okay , so you're alone . You

6:22

feel like you're the only one absolutely and

6:24

and even though you know , for those of you

6:27

out there that have been listening to this podcast from its

6:29

inception , you know you still

6:31

feel like , well , my problem , I'm the only one

6:33

and nobody knows , and I'm alone

6:35

. So the issue

6:37

is taking someone

6:40

from a point of solitude and

6:42

loneliness to a point of community

6:45

and hope , and so

6:48

there is an absolute , necessary

6:50

change of trajectory that has to

6:52

happen To take someone

6:54

from I'm alone and I'm

6:56

hopeless To I

6:58

am cared for , I am loved , I have

7:01

a vision , I have a path , I'm

7:03

on the way , and then , ultimately

7:06

, to we are healed

7:08

, we are reconciled , we

7:11

are in that place of purpose and hope . Okay

7:13

, so it takes energy

7:16

to change trajectory . Mm-hmm a cruise

7:19

ship can't just turn . Yeah , you

7:21

have to really crank at that wheel , yeah

7:23

.

7:23

and so , yeah , it does take there's a lot

7:25

that goes into that to be able to go from that place

7:27

of I'm alone , now I'm seen

7:30

, now I'm together or now I'm I'm

7:32

healing and then I am healed one

7:35

of one of the things I was thinking about and writing

7:37

about yesterday for something else that I'm gonna be recording

7:40

is that People

7:42

, many of the people who come to us , they

7:44

, they want a change to

7:46

happen in their marriage specifically

7:48

, but

7:51

they Don't necessarily

7:53

understand yet what are those steps

7:56

that need to happen to get that change

7:58

to happen . And then , even worse , sometimes

8:00

, when they do understand , they're

8:03

gonna fight like everything

8:05

to stay exactly where they are because

8:07

it's uncomfortable , Mm-hmm right to

8:09

like wrap your head around terrifying . It's

8:11

very terrifying , and and

8:14

even some of the things that we teach or

8:16

that we recommend with people like even if your spouse

8:18

isn't engaged yet , start with working on yourself

8:20

. That concept is very

8:23

difficult to swallow Because

8:26

, all like when I was in that situation

8:28

, all I wanted to do was talk about my

8:30

husband and how he needs to change and there Were

8:32

things he did need to change , like it wasn't

8:34

just venting and complaining . Some

8:37

of it was actually very much true , but I

8:39

was really unwilling to look at me

8:41

. Mm-hmm and when someone

8:44

tried to get me to look at me , I was great

8:46

at deflecting .

8:47

Oh yeah or justifying or right

8:49

, you don't understand . I know what I'm doing

8:51

.

8:52

Yeah , I'm amazing , I

8:56

don't need to change anything .

8:57

There's so much amazing in this room , right , there's

8:59

so much so much in this podcast

9:01

room .

9:01

That's very true . So go

9:03

like talk more specifically . Who

9:06

are some of the people you have spoken with

9:08

where you like Specifically

9:10

, what are kind of some of those situations they're coming with and

9:12

how , how are you really

9:14

helping them overcome the biggest

9:16

objection they have and what is it ?

9:18

right , right , so there are two factors

9:20

that I look . I like to make things really really

9:22

simple , right . So so , when , when

9:26

you call me , if you do , if you do talk to me on

9:28

the phone , be prepared , because I'll be straight up

9:30

honest with you . But if you do , there are two

9:32

factors why like making things simple when

9:35

it comes to decision-making , any

9:37

decision External

9:39

and internal External

9:43

factors we encounter every day . So

9:45

I want what I want to do right now is , if you're in a situation

9:47

where you're wondering , if you're

9:49

, if your situation is even worth giving

9:51

hope to , if you're in a situation

9:54

where you don't know what to do , or if you're on the

9:56

fence , I want you to think about this . The decisions

9:58

that I will ask you to

10:00

make on the phone are very akin to a decision

10:02

you make to any at any other time during

10:04

the day . External factors are

10:07

things that we can't control , that we have to adapt to

10:09

, okay . So , for

10:11

example , time do I have

10:13

the time for the workshop ? For example , scheduling

10:18

you know how can I plan ahead Childcare

10:21

? you know in that situation , that's one . You

10:24

know . How do I adapt to things that I cannot

10:26

change whatsoever and they are just

10:28

out there . It's just like going to lunch , you

10:31

know , or I , you know , I ride my bike here

10:33

. So it's A what's

10:37

the best route to go ? B how much time

10:39

do I have to make that trip ? These are all

10:41

things that will not change . It's just like

10:43

you know . If anybody out there is gonna go to lunch today

10:45

, you're gonna think about where do I go , what's my budget , how

10:47

much time does it take to get there and do I wanna go ? Yeah

10:50

. These are all just external factors . You

10:52

do it every day . Yeah . These

10:54

are the easy ones . These

10:56

are the same parameters for everyone

10:59

. Yeah , and that is simply a matter of

11:01

logistics . We call those logistics . These are things

11:03

you can't control . Internal factors are a

11:05

whole different oyster . Mm-hmm . Okay

11:07

. Internal factors are things that

11:09

you have control over and

11:12

they all exist within your head . Internal

11:15

factors are things like if I'm biking to work , do

11:19

I feel like riding my

11:21

bike to work ? I

11:23

had a bike crash years ago , like we talked about

11:25

before , and

11:28

is my desire to ride my bike greater

11:30

than my

11:33

fear of what happened to me in the past

11:35

? Is my

11:37

desire bigger than my trauma ? Mm-hmm Okay . In

11:41

our situation . It is simply

11:43

a matter of do I

11:46

believe that my marriage is

11:48

worth saving ? Do

11:51

I have hope for

11:54

XYZ ? Do

11:58

I think that I can do

12:00

this ? What

12:04

might my spouse do ? These

12:08

are all things in your head , yeah , and the thing about

12:10

the thing about them

12:12

? Are they all boil down to one thing ? What

12:16

is your sense of value ? In

12:19

my opinion , I ask people this all the time

12:21

. Are you worth the

12:24

time of the work ? Yeah . Especially

12:27

on that path where we talk about if you're starting by yourself . Right

12:29

. Are you worth the time invested

12:31

and the money invested in

12:34

yourself ? Are you worth it when

12:37

you boil it down to those ? When

12:39

you boil it down to that simple question

12:42

, I would hope

12:44

that the answer is clear for everyone . Yeah

12:47

, absolutely . So . Are

12:49

you worth going

12:52

farther than your fear ? Are

12:56

you worth the time

12:58

that it takes ? Are you worth

13:00

asking the hard questions of your spouse ? Is

13:04

your sanity worth what

13:06

it takes to get into the workshop ? Hmm

13:08

, when you get up in the morning

13:10

and you understand

13:13

that I was talking with

13:15

one person a couple of days

13:17

ago , highly

13:19

capable , highly capable

13:21

person in a scientific

13:24

field , mm-hmm , okay , and

13:27

this person , when

13:29

you speak to them , you can just tell they make

13:32

people do things Right , like

13:34

this is a person who I love

13:36

talking with this person because they're

13:39

just so direct

13:41

and so purposeful . And

13:43

then when I ask and , by the way , if

13:45

any of you have ever talked to me on the phone my next question

13:47

you know what it's gonna be what is your goal ? And

13:50

when I ask what is your goal , this person just broke

13:53

down and lost it , and

13:57

that's okay . By the way , crying is allowed on the

13:59

phone with me , absolutely . It's totally good , you're

14:01

welcome to do that , but

14:04

lost it . And they said what is your

14:06

goal ? And they said I

14:09

don't know , and not knowing

14:11

is the most terrifying thing I

14:13

can experience . So

14:16

we talked for a while just about what

14:20

it would look like . What did ?

14:21

you ask after that ? What did you ask after ? She said she

14:23

didn't know when . She said yeah

14:26

, when this person said this person .

14:28

Yeah , yeah , I try to be

14:30

very , very , very careful . Very

14:32

careful because I don't ever wanna share anything . That's

14:34

not my story to tell , but I

14:37

will say that when

14:39

this person said I don't know , I said so

14:41

let's explore that . What

14:43

is the most important thing that you need right now ? And

14:47

this person said I wanna know

14:49

what to do about

14:52

my marriage . My

14:55

spouse , in

15:00

a nutshell , said he's treating me like

15:02

garbage and

15:05

I'm just . I

15:07

know that it's not all my fault

15:09

and I know that it's not all this person's fault

15:11

, my spouse's fault , but I

15:13

would just love to know what to do . And I said so what I'm

15:15

hearing you say is that your goal is clarity . Your

15:19

goal is just having a moment where you know because

15:22

this person , like I said , is used to making

15:24

high level decisions . So

15:26

first this person to be able to make these high level decisions

15:29

. They do that all day . It's like muscle memory

15:31

, right , it's easy . But then , all of a sudden

15:33

, you find yourself in a situation where it's like trying

15:35

to . You know , it's like trying to do a long

15:37

jump on the beach . You know

15:39

the sand is moving underneath your feet long before

15:41

you ever jump , so there's no

15:43

firm foundation and it's terrifying

15:46

. I've been there . I

15:48

know what that feels . I cannot jump forward until

15:50

I know that my plant foot is strong . So

15:53

we talked a while about what it would

15:55

look like to get clarity and

15:57

the steps that it would take to get some clarity , and

15:59

we talked about one of our programs . And

16:03

at that point

16:05

I could then look at that person and say now

16:07

the question is not what

16:10

do I do , you know what to do ? The

16:12

question is now is the reward

16:14

worth your fear

16:16

? And this person asks

16:18

a lot of really good questions . But

16:21

also be aware of some of

16:23

you out there also may be the type of person that does

16:25

ask a lot of questions , and usually the questions I get are very

16:27

good . I very rarely get a question that

16:29

I'm just like what ? So very

16:32

, very rarely . But the questions that you may be

16:34

asking yourself out there right now about , well

16:36

, what if this and what if my husband

16:38

or what if my wife does this or what if this or

16:40

what if this by the way , these are all external factors that

16:42

you cannot control . We've talked about that . These

16:45

questions oftentimes are stalling tactics because

16:48

we feel comfortable asking questions , because

16:50

if we ask questions then that means we're waiting on

16:53

an answer or a decision . And if we're waiting

16:56

on an answer or a decision , then

16:58

that means we don't have to do anything . Right

17:02

. That means we don't have to take action . It's a stalling

17:05

maneuver . When you find yourself

17:07

asking the same question over and over , you're stalling

17:09

.

17:10

Another one I don't wanna get

17:12

your thoughts on . This is

17:18

so I don't know how to explain what I'm about

17:20

to explain to the listeners . So people

17:23

in the office know that I've had this like weird

17:25

nasal thing happening over the past

17:27

couple of weeks Like a nerve condition

17:29

. I'm not gonna go into it . Anyway

17:32

, at its worst it feels like I'm constantly needing

17:34

to sneeze all the freaking time and

17:36

nothing helps it . And

17:39

so the doctor , like I , went to the doctor

17:41

a couple of weeks ago and he said try this one

17:43

thing , but if that doesn't work , I'm gonna give you a

17:45

steroid pack . This is not

17:47

open for people to give me their advice whether or

17:49

not I should take the steroid pack . I'm simply telling

17:51

the story . And so

17:53

, anyway , long story short is . It kept getting

17:56

worse and I finally , like

17:58

over the weekend , I got to the point where I was

18:00

looking at the steroid pack and I said here's

18:04

the thing . And my husband was like why

18:06

haven't you taken it yet ? And I said here's why ? Here's the thing

18:08

, because as long as I don't

18:10

take it , there's hope that it might work . But

18:14

if I take it and it doesn't work , I'm

18:16

completely hopeless because I've done

18:19

everything else .

18:21

Yes , and I had this

18:23

exact conversation with someone a

18:25

couple of days ago and it was via text message

18:28

, and

18:30

this person said to me I

18:33

know that I need to do this , but what if

18:36

I do all this ? What if I spend this money and I take

18:38

this time and I do all this and

18:40

I just end up single ? And

18:42

my only reply is what if you do all this , spend

18:44

all this money , take all this time and

18:46

you end up whole ?

18:48

That's right . That's right Because

18:51

, logically , the argument

18:53

I gave it doesn't make sense

18:55

. It's like so you're gonna withhold trying

18:57

something that could be what

18:59

actually makes everything better .

19:01

Right , I talked to a lady this

19:03

morning . Yeah , okay

19:05

, and look

19:08

if you're watching this podcast , I'm

19:10

a robust young man . Yes

19:14

, I'm more robust than I have been in the

19:16

past and I'm working on my robustity

19:18

.

19:20

but in all seriousness , I was thinking you were being

19:22

like a personality , like you are a big

19:24

personality .

19:25

No , honey , I'm big-boned . So

19:28

in all seriousness , I

19:31

was telling but look , I'm gonna be straight , honest with

19:33

my clients on the phone and I said look , here's

19:35

where I'm at . So my goal , through

19:38

my writing and everything , is to lose X number of pounds

19:40

. Uh-huh , okay . So

19:43

what

19:45

if I were to say I

19:47

don't think I can lose X number of pounds

19:50

, let's say 50 , for example

19:52

, I don't think I can lose 50 pounds

19:54

, so I'm not gonna lose 10 . And

19:59

it's the same exact thing that people go through on this

20:01

in our , in our path . They

20:03

think in turn , let's say the couples path

20:05

and the solo path . I . Just

20:09

don't see right now , in my terrified

20:11

, fear laden , hopeless

20:15

spot that I'm at right now , I cannot possibly

20:17

see my husband or my wife possibly

20:19

ever reconciling . So I

20:22

don't even know if the individual

20:24

path , the solo path , is worth it . That's

20:27

the exact same thing . Why

20:29

would you say I Don't

20:31

know if this big , hairy

20:33

, audacious goal in the future is possible

20:35

, so I'm not even worth getting help for

20:37

myself right now ? Right . You're

20:41

cutting your nose off despite your face right

20:43

because my

20:45

that objection is Not

20:48

one that comes from rational thought , it's not one

20:50

that comes from logic . It's one that comes from hopelessness and

20:52

fear and pain . Mm-hmm absolutely

20:55

and , and so my Opportunity

20:59

and this is why I love what I do , talking

21:02

with people is that I will

21:04

then say may I speak directly

21:06

with you ? And when you

21:08

say yes , I will , I

21:11

will tell you that you're being afraid

21:13

and that fear never

21:16

accomplished anything . Fear

21:19

only holds people where they are . So

21:22

if you hear a voice in your head that says

21:24

you should not because of xyz , because

21:28

of what might ? I've heard people

21:30

say well , my church will know that there's a problem . My

21:34

friends will know that there's a problem , my

21:37

Parents

21:39

will be disappointed in me , my job

21:41

might find out . All

21:44

of these are external factors and you

21:47

shouldn't give a crap about that . They

21:50

are their external factors . What are you worth , if

21:53

you are worth getting

21:55

clarity , if

21:58

you're out there and you're listening to this and you're

22:00

in a situation where , like I have been I was a royal jerk for

22:05

a long time in my marriage and it took a lot to get

22:07

me out . I know about

22:10

that feeling of hopelessness . If

22:12

you're sitting there and you're just looking at yourself in the mirror

22:14

and you wake up in the morning and

22:16

you go oh my god , another day , how

22:21

am I gonna have to deal with this crazy person that I live with . You

22:25

look in that mirror . There's a person in there that

22:27

at one point in their life , was walking down the aisle

22:29

, madly in love , excited about their

22:32

future . That future was

22:35

not deleted , it's still there

22:38

. You

22:41

just have to be able to say I'm worth fighting

22:43

for . And sometimes you

22:47

have to start by fighting for yourself , and that's

22:51

why I make no . I

22:54

make no excuses . I'm not ashamed of the fact

22:56

that I will look at somebody and say you really need

22:59

to change how you think , so

23:02

be prepared . But I think that you know

23:04

those fears , those Unknowns , those fears , those

23:06

unknowns , all those things

23:09

that stand in your way . If

23:11

you look at something and it is trying to stop

23:14

you from acting , then

23:17

that is your old trajectory that

23:20

you're trying to change . If

23:23

you feel that friction that is your old way of thinking

23:25

that

23:28

you're gonna have to push through yeah , to

23:30

get a new one . Yeah , just my opinion , yeah .

23:35

It's the growth versus versus fixed mindset too right , and Carol Dweck's

23:37

research . And the

23:42

fixed mindset is is the person who Runs

23:46

from problems , doesn't embrace challenge

23:49

, looks at the situation

23:51

where or where others succeed and is jealous of them . Right , and

23:53

? And all of this at the end of it basically

23:55

says this

23:58

person because they avoid

24:00

facing their problems , they end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy

24:02

, whereas the

24:05

growth mindset person , embraces challenges

24:07

, looks for ways through how yeah , what can I learn

24:09

from this ? whether I succeed or not

24:11

, what can I learn from this ? And therefore has like

24:13

an unstoppable amount

24:16

of growth and future Achievement

24:22

, and that's what I'm thinking of . As you're talking about this

24:24

as well , you have to be wildly unconcerned with the probability or the possibility of failure .

24:28

Yeah , that's hard , wildly unconcerned very hard . It's

24:32

extremely hard . It's easy for me to say

24:35

, as I'm sitting here behind this microphone , but in reality , for you

24:37

to Learn how to

24:39

do something new . I

24:41

mean I'll give you a personal example after my bike crash

24:43

. I mean it was

24:45

a bad one and I

24:48

love the feeling of being out on my

24:50

bike , okay

24:52

, but I had to make that , that decision . For a moment . I

24:55

have to be wildly unconcerned About

24:57

the mathematical statistics of wrecks and all this kind of

24:59

thing . If I want to get that feeling again , then

25:04

I've got to go get out on it , yeah , and I've got

25:06

to do it . If , if you want to make development

25:08

in your own life , regardless of

25:11

your spouse right now , then

25:14

you have to make actions , you have to take those steps and

25:16

no one can do it

25:18

for you . No

25:21

one can make you do it . I can't make you do it . You

25:24

can't make anyone do anything . But

25:30

at the end of the day , we're

25:33

standing here saying life's good , on the other side of the chasm

25:35

very much so , and that's all there is to it .

25:39

What would you recommend to someone's next first

25:41

step ? First next step or next

25:43

first step ? All the steps ?

25:46

In regards to what ?

25:50

They're listening . Okay , let's talk about two different people . They're

25:53

listening and they're considering . They've

25:57

never talked with anyone at marriage helper before right . They've

25:59

never taken that first step to really begin doing something . What's

26:03

the first step for them ?

26:05

first step . What I would say is go

26:09

to the website maritulpercom

26:12

and check out

26:14

the workshops page and just

26:16

watch the videos we

26:19

have on that landing page . We have both

26:21

the solo spouse workshop

26:24

and we also have the couples journey . In

26:26

many situations we

26:28

have two spouses that are just you

26:31

know , I jokingly say they're like two wet

26:33

cats in a potato sack . You know they're just wrestling

26:35

, but they wanna work on it . The

26:38

couples journey would be for you . If you find yourself

26:40

truly feeling alone

26:42

, it might be the solo spouse . Watch

26:45

both videos , schedule a call with

26:47

one of our intake specialists

26:50

, work with you know , because , once

26:52

again , yeah , we're gonna challenge you , but

26:55

you need that challenge . But

26:57

if you have just found

26:59

us , then

27:02

check out the website , check

27:05

out the resources , check out the different workshops , see

27:08

what works there and definitely

27:10

go ahead and subscribe to the

27:12

YouTube channel . All of that Because

27:15

, quite frankly , we put so much out there

27:17

on YouTube that it

27:19

will definitely help you to familiarize yourself

27:21

. I will say now that I think about

27:23

it . I will say that it's very important to familiarize

27:25

yourself with where we come from , because

27:29

you know we aren't therapists . Right

27:31

. We equip

27:34

. Yeah . We're gonna

27:36

be there for you , and if that's what you're looking for , we can help you Absolutely

27:39

.

27:40

Yeah , you won't come to Merit Helper and get a bunch of talk

27:42

therapy .

27:43

No . It's very actionable

27:45

, very action-based . We do not aim for you to leave more confused than

27:48

when you showed up .

27:49

That's we're hating someone you didn't

27:51

hate when you walked in the door .

27:53

Exactly exactly One thing we will

27:55

. Just to be very , very clear and I'm sure for those of you

27:57

who have listened to this for more than 30 seconds can obviously

27:59

know already one thing we will never do is

28:02

look at a couple and say , is

28:04

your two far gone ? Never , you

28:07

guys should probably just split . I

28:09

talked with a potential client today who had

28:11

to go through that and they got that from a pastor

28:13

.

28:14

I bet oh , that breaks my mind , they got it from

28:16

a pastor today Makes me mad actually

28:18

.

28:18

Yeah , oh , I needed to take a walk , yep

28:20

, but if you haven't noticed

28:22

, I'm a little intense , but one

28:25

of the things that you will never get from us is your

28:27

two , far gone . That's right . We

28:29

also realize that we can't save every marriage Right

28:31

, and we're very clear about that . So

28:35

if you do end up in that situation

28:37

, we will love you still and we will work with you as

28:39

long as you will allow us to talk to you 100%

28:42

. So at no point do we look

28:44

at you and say , yeah

28:46

, peace can't help you , no

28:49

, but at

28:52

whatever point you are at on the journey , all

28:54

I would say is familiarize yourself

28:57

, dig in , know where we're coming from . And

28:59

if those values line

29:02

up with your goals , then you will

29:04

meet an entire team of people who will

29:06

aim to inspire you

29:08

that your choices and your actions be

29:10

in line with your goals . And if your choices

29:12

and your actions are not in line with your goals , then

29:14

I will very happily remind you that they aren't .

29:18

We will lovingly bring you back .

29:19

It's a loving course correction . All right , that's fine A loving course

29:22

correction .

29:23

Yes , I agree and definitely

29:25

would encourage for people to book a

29:27

call . Yes , with the intake specialist , and

29:30

you can easily find that by going to maritalpercom

29:32

. Slash , apply

29:34

a P , p , l , y and

29:36

then the number two . Why

29:39

? Because that is the URL

29:41

that the team has for this episode

29:43

.

29:43

Because it is what it is .

29:44

Because it is what it is . That's the bottom line of it . So

29:46

it's maritalpercom , forward

29:48

slash apply and the number

29:50

two , and you can get that in the show notes wherever you're

29:52

watching this as well . So let's talk about the person

29:54

, who they have talked with

29:57

someone at Maritalper and

29:59

they're stuck in the cycle

30:02

of their thoughts .

30:05

That goes to what I said just a moment ago . Is

30:08

my behavior in line with my goals ? If

30:12

not , stop . And

30:15

I know that seems easy to say . I

30:18

know it's so easy to say Because , by

30:20

the way , if you are caught in that destructive

30:22

self communication cycle that

30:25

you are just looping yourself right now , then when I

30:27

said stop , you then said , oh yeah , well , I would

30:29

. But you just

30:31

said that in your mind you're busted , but

30:34

that you

30:37

are wired in that situation . Your momentum

30:39

is carrying you , just like you're going

30:42

down a toilet . You're just going in

30:44

a circle and eventually , one day you're

30:46

gonna be in darkness . So

30:49

, what you . Thank you for

30:51

that . So what you have

30:53

to do , what you have to

30:55

do is get out

30:57

of the cycle . And

30:59

the thing is , Joe cannot

31:02

get you out of that cycle , Kimberly

31:04

cannot get you out of that cycle . No

31:06

one on our team , as good as I think

31:09

we are , can get you at the end of

31:11

the day , can get you out of that cycle . Only

31:14

you can do that . And you have to

31:16

plant your flag in the ground , as muddy

31:19

or sandy or slipping or whatever

31:21

as it is . You have to plant your flag

31:23

in the ground and say , on this day , today

31:25

, I'm stopping the cycle , because

31:29

you will continue doing that . I

31:31

heard you just say , oh , yeah , well , but I heard you say

31:33

it again stop that . You

31:36

have to take that moment just to say

31:38

today is the day that I'm going to choose to do something radically

31:40

different from anything I've ever done before . I

31:44

am worth change and

31:47

I can't make you feel that way and

31:50

you can't make them feel that way . You

31:52

have to decide that

31:56

the picture of

31:59

your future is more

32:01

important than the pain of your past

32:03

. You have

32:05

to decide that and upon

32:07

deciding that your actions

32:10

have to be in line with

32:12

your decisions . Now you will make mistakes , there

32:15

will be bumps in the road , and that's

32:17

where you give yourself grace . I suck at that , by the way

32:19

. I'm not good at giving myself

32:21

grace . I admit that straight

32:24

up front . But you have to give yourself grace

32:26

when you do fall off the path . Maybe

32:28

you're working with your spouse to

32:30

try and get them to a couple's workshop and

32:33

you commit a massive push and

32:36

it ticks them off . Your story

32:38

isn't over . That's right Okay . Your

32:40

story's not over there . I've spoken with

32:43

a number of people . Spoke

32:46

with a guy a couple of actually , last week who

32:48

had multiple infidelities . He

32:53

calls me absolutely breaking because

32:57

he feels that he's destroyed

32:59

his marriage , and my reply

33:01

is my reply to him was well

33:04

, you know that what you did wasn't the right thing to do

33:06

. I'm not here to tell you that , judge

33:08

you , shame you , blame you . You know this already

33:10

. So let's do different . He

33:13

goes really yeah , let's

33:15

just do different . We're

33:17

not gonna drag you through your path , so you shouldn't either

33:20

. That's right . So if you're on that path to reconciliation and

33:22

you commit a massive push , or

33:25

if your spouse , who is in deep limerence like they

33:27

do yo-yos left and right , one day they think you're

33:29

the greatest and the next day they think you're the devil incarnate

33:32

all these things back left and right

33:34

On those opportunities that you have

33:36

. You're not gonna be able to do that . It's

33:38

just that you have to mess

33:40

up . Know

33:43

that it happens in your human and humanity

33:45

would be great if it weren't for all these humans . Just

33:49

realize that . Yeah . So

33:51

, every step of the way , our team , whether

33:53

it be our coaching team , whether it be our client

33:56

success team , whether it be our

33:58

intake team like mine , we're

34:01

all here , united with the same purpose . It's

34:04

just to help you to realize that there is always

34:06

hope and it will always

34:08

be there . The only thing

34:10

that keeps you from accomplishing

34:13

your goal is you Bottom

34:17

line . That'll

34:20

preach .

34:23

I don't even know how to end this podcast after

34:25

that . You took my line . There's

34:27

always hope .

34:28

I'm sorry .

34:29

You deserved it . You need it , was

34:31

a perfect opportunity . You're

34:34

right . We believe nothing is unrecoverable

34:36

. We believe there's always

34:38

hope and we would love to

34:41

work with every single person .

34:43

But we're not going to coddle you , yeah

34:46

. Yeah .

34:49

That just keeps you where you are .

34:50

Yeah exactly .

34:51

We want to move you into something much better

34:53

. Right , much better . If you want

34:55

to speak with someone on our intake specialist

34:58

team , go to maritalpercom . Apply

35:01

the number two Again , that's anywhere you listen to

35:03

show notes . We would love to work with you , nathan

35:05

. Thank you so much for joining me today . Thanks for

35:07

having me on . It's a great episode .

35:08

Glad to be here .

35:10

Thanks for having me on .