0:00

Motherhood is hard.

0:08

One second,

0:10

we think we're doing a good enough job, and the next

0:13

we feel like the worst mom on the planet.

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Which is why we need the refreshing truth of

0:17

the gospel to be repeated over and over,

0:20

giving us hope in the everyday moments. So

0:22

mama, whether you're sipping cold coffee or doing

0:25

a sink bowl of dishes, we hope you find

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truth, encouragement, and laughter

0:29

here. This is the Risen Motherhood

0:31

Podcast. Thanks for joining us.

0:39

Welcome back to another episode of Risen Motherhood.

0:42

I'm Emily, and in just a few moments, I'll be joined

0:44

by my co-host, Laura, and our special guest.

0:46

If you didn't know, we're in the midst of a mini-series all

0:49

about grief and motherhood. We're tackling

0:51

some specific areas of grief in this series

0:53

and today Jen Oschman is here to chat

0:55

all about adoption. She shares

0:57

a bit of her family's experience with international

1:00

adoption, including some of the joys

1:02

and sorrows throughout the process. Jen

1:04

has been in women's ministry for over two decades

1:07

as a missionary and pastor's wife on three

1:09

continents. She's the mother of four daughters,

1:11

including one through adoption, which you'll hear more about

1:13

in this show, and she's the author of two

1:16

books, Enough about me and cultural counterfeits.

1:19

If you want to learn more about Jen, head to our show notes.

1:22

Just as a heads up, our kids were sick at

1:24

home during this recording, so we were outside

1:26

of our usual studio and the audio isn't as good

1:28

as it typically is, but we still think you'll

1:30

be able to catch everything. As a reminder,

1:33

our guests are discussing the sorrows of motherhood

1:35

in a very raw and transparent manner. We're

1:37

so grateful that you're tuning in to today's podcast,

1:40

but we want to encourage you to exercise wisdom

1:42

as you decide whether or not the content is the best

1:44

fit for you in your current season. We

1:47

hope and pray it's an encouragement to you, but

1:49

remember that everyone's lives and situations are

1:51

different,

1:51

so please reach out to a trusted friend,

1:54

mentor, counselor, or medical professional as

1:56

needed. This episode is not

1:58

meant to give personal advice or be a substitute

2:00

for professional help. Next

2:02

Monday, April 3rd, marks the beginning of Holy

2:04

Week, which is the week leading up to Easter Sunday.

2:07

If you're looking for ideas on how to talk to your kids

2:09

about Holy Week, we have a free download in the resource

2:12

library that provides a passage of scripture, application

2:14

questions, and a brief lesson to share with your kids

2:17

throughout the week as we look ahead to Easter Sunday. Head

2:19

to risenmotherhood.com forward slash library

2:22

to get your copy. And finally,

2:24

as you walk through your own questions on grief and motherhood,

2:26

we hope you'll visit our series landing page.

2:29

Risenmotherhood.com

2:30

forward slash grief. This

2:32

page includes books and articles, as well

2:34

as the Spotify playlist curated by each of our

2:36

interviewees in this series with songs that encourage

2:39

them during their seasons of grief. Okay,

2:41

let's jump into today's show.

2:43

Okay. Okay. Okay.

2:46

Okay. Okay. Okay.

2:48

Okay.

2:50

Well, hey Jen, welcome to the Risen Motherhood podcast.

2:52

Oh, thanks you guys. So good to be here. Yes,

2:55

we are thrilled to have you come and to talk with

2:57

us and share your wisdom. For any of

2:59

our listeners who might not be familiar with your work, can

3:01

you just give us a brief 101, kind

3:04

of give us the flyover about Jen? Yeah,

3:07

sure. So my husband and I have been married almost 24

3:09

years and we finished

3:11

seminary and headed to the mission field pretty much right

3:13

after we got married. So we served

3:15

overseas for a long time. We have four daughters,

3:18

three by birth, one by adoption. We've

3:20

been back

3:20

in the US for seven years and

3:22

it's been a joy in that time. We've planted a church.

3:25

I've written some books, done some podcasting and speaking.

3:28

And so yeah, sums it up. It's been a pretty global

3:30

life full of ministry and daughters and joy.

3:33

We love that. And you mentioned right away that you

3:35

have an adopted daughter in the

3:37

mix. So can you give us an overview

3:40

of her story? Tell

3:42

us how adoption entered your life. Sure.

3:45

We do have kind of a unique adoption story.

3:47

So before my husband and I had

3:49

kids when we were

3:50

brand new married in our first

3:52

year, our home church here

3:54

in Colorado began a year was

3:57

pursuing a relationship with a

3:59

home in Thailand.

4:00

where our daughter was living. She

4:02

lost both of her mom and dad when she

4:04

was the age of four. And at the age of five,

4:06

she went to go live in this home. And so

4:08

her picture was on our refrigerator and we exchanged

4:11

letters and prayed for her from the time that she was five.

4:14

Now we moved to Japan and

4:16

began ministry there. And then we started taking

4:18

teams from our church in Japan to

4:20

Thailand to the home where she lived. And

4:23

so we began to know her and spend

4:25

time with with her once or twice or three times

4:27

a year. So when she

4:29

was nine, my husband took a team there

4:31

and then about a month later, I took a team

4:34

there. And after those two trips, we

4:36

came back to one another and said, I

4:38

really sense the Lord is saying, I

4:41

want you to be her mom and dad. But

4:43

that was much easier said than done. On

4:46

the one hand, we realized that

4:48

to pursue the adoption of a nine-year-old in

4:51

Thailand by Americans when we were living in Japan

4:53

would be very disruptive to her own life.

4:55

And so we were seeking wisdom and prayer, and

4:58

we decided that we would give it a try.

5:00

And if the Lord's will be done, keep

5:02

walking through doors as he opened them. It

5:05

took three years because of

5:07

all the three country dynamics.

5:10

And actually as the Lord would have

5:12

it, our daughter had to be involved

5:14

in the process the whole time. And so we would

5:17

go back and forth and be

5:19

before various judges and lawyers and

5:21

social workers. But

5:23

finally, the Lord did bring it to pass three years later.

5:26

And she was 12 when we brought her home, and

5:29

our other girls were two, four, and

5:31

six. And

5:33

she's now 25, so we've been her parents for 13 years now. And

5:37

she herself is a mom. She made us

5:39

grandparents about three years ago. And

5:43

I just

5:43

look at the hand of God and His mercy

5:45

and redemptive work. We have a beautiful,

5:47

strong relationship with her. She

5:50

has endured tremendous loss in her life,

5:53

but the Lord has been good to her and made her resilient

5:56

and gracious, and she's

5:58

just a joy. so very proud.

6:00

of her and grateful for what

6:02

the Lord has done in our family. That

6:04

is just an incredible story. Thank

6:06

you for sharing it with us and it's amazing

6:08

just to hear how resilient

6:11

you guys were as you pursued her

6:13

and your daughter as well and just hearing about

6:15

the Lord's hand and just orchestrating that sovereignly.

6:18

You shared that the adoption process took about

6:21

three years and so can

6:23

you walk us through a little bit about some

6:25

of the griefs that an adoptive mom might experience.

6:28

I'm sure that was not easy in that

6:30

process. And I think for many

6:32

of us, we feel like adoption

6:33

goes quickly and it

6:36

feels like a celebratory time. But

6:38

we also know that there are a lot of hard things along

6:41

the way. Can you just speak to some of those things? Yes,

6:43

I would love to encourage the adoptive

6:45

mom who's listening, who's in the process. For

6:48

many of us, it takes years and years. And

6:51

it's just a very trying process. You know, you sense

6:53

this call from God, you feel very strongly, this

6:55

is the right thing to do. Adoption

6:58

is our father's heart, you know, so it should

7:01

happen quickly, right? Like this is God's heart,

7:03

it should happen quickly. But it

7:05

rarely does. And when people question,

7:07

you know, why did it take three years? That's crazy. I

7:10

often remind them that there's laws on

7:13

the books for good reasons. It's very

7:15

good that as Americans, we could not enter Thailand

7:17

and pick out a child and take her home. It's

7:20

very good that there are laws, international

7:22

laws in place that protect children. And

7:25

so I think that it's important for

7:27

adoptive parents to remember

7:29

the red tape is there for good reason.

7:32

Now, sometimes it's not. Obviously, I won't go down

7:34

that path, but adoption can be full of corruption

7:36

as well, and corrupt governments, and corrupt agencies.

7:38

But yeah, for us,

7:41

we had to go before American,

7:43

Japanese, and Thai social workers,

7:46

and lawyers, and judges. And it was just an extremely

7:48

difficult process. And the fact that our daughter was

7:50

involved, the Thai government required

7:53

her consent and involvement

7:55

the entire time. So every time

7:57

we went to Thailand to

7:59

sort of push the. process forward and then returned

8:01

home to Japan. I very much

8:03

had to trust that the Lord would care

8:06

for our not yet daughter, that

8:08

he would meet her in her

8:11

grief as she waited on us, and that he would

8:13

meet us in our grief as we waited on him. I

8:16

remember really poignantly one moment when

8:18

we were speaking on the phone with our pastor

8:20

back here in the United States, and

8:23

he asked us,

8:24

do you trust the Lord with her?

8:26

Like she is not yet your daughter.

8:30

And, you know, are you

8:32

willing to entrust her to the Lord if this

8:34

does not come to pass? And

8:37

I feel like that was just such a shaping question for

8:39

me because it caused

8:41

me to ask myself, you know,

8:43

am I willing to entrust everything

8:46

about her and our family and her future

8:48

and our future to my God in heaven?

8:51

Or do I see myself as

8:53

necessary to her story? Am

8:56

I subconsciously putting myself

8:59

in the seat of God? We're like, no,

9:01

I have to rescue her. I

9:04

have to sort of be her savior, which

9:06

I know is like an ugly way to say it, but we

9:09

have to come to terms with that way that we think

9:11

sometimes. And so that

9:14

was a good question. And so for the mom

9:16

who's waiting right now, my encouragement is, you know,

9:18

do you trust the Lord to

9:20

be sovereign and good and true

9:23

in your waiting child's life, even

9:26

if he does not bring the adoption to come

9:28

to pass. Because what's true is our

9:31

kids, all of our kids belong to the Lord,

9:33

right? We are not the savior

9:35

for any of our kids. So

9:38

it's important that we trust the Lord with all

9:40

of those details, all of the timing, that

9:42

every piece of red tape

9:44

is there with his permission

9:46

and by his will,

9:48

that we might grow in trust and that

9:50

our kids might grow in trust, even in

9:52

the darkness and the pain that is

9:54

waiting.

9:55

That's so encouraging to think about

9:57

God with us in the waiting and. and

10:00

shifting gears a little bit, because I know the

10:04

end of your waiting was the

10:06

moment of adoption with your daughter. And

10:09

that can be such a beautiful and

10:11

joyful celebratory thing.

10:14

I know that

10:15

we've had the privilege of taking our

10:18

children to adoption hearings

10:20

now in a courthouse for some good friends. And

10:22

it

10:23

is just overwhelmingly joyful

10:26

to even see the adoptive parents

10:28

give testimony and the things that they say

10:31

and accepting the child into their family.

10:34

And both of those were followed up by a really big

10:36

party afterwards where the whole church came

10:38

out. And those memories

10:40

are just seared into my mind, but what's interesting

10:43

is it's also brought up, at least for our kids, a

10:45

lot of questions. It's like their next question is,

10:48

but where are their biological

10:51

parents and why is this adoption

10:53

taking

10:53

place? So could you speak to us a

10:55

little bit about the tension

10:58

there of the joy of

11:00

the adoption, but also the sorrow

11:03

of what it means that we live in a fallen world and

11:05

that families, biological families are

11:08

not always kept together and

11:10

united. So

11:11

what is the grief and the sadness?

11:14

Why is there a sadness as

11:16

part of this process? I love that you're

11:18

asking this question because I think it's one

11:21

that is sort of kept hush hush in

11:23

our circles. You know, of

11:25

course, God's heart is for adoption

11:27

and His heart is to set the fatherless and families. And

11:30

so when that happens, it is worthy of our rejoicing.

11:33

The celebration is absolutely

11:35

appropriate. And I love to see that. And

11:38

that's the highlight and the beauty that we share on social

11:40

media. And that's the good news that we want

11:42

to share with others. But it

11:44

really is a just small

11:46

slice of the story, you know, and for

11:49

the moms who are listening. What

11:51

I want to share with you might be hard to hear

11:53

and I just I want to acknowledge that.

11:56

what we see online, what we

11:58

see in movies. you know, every storyline,

12:01

every movie that has an orphan in it,

12:04

music and even just in our own flesh

12:07

and the way that we've been shaped by our culture. We

12:10

we just see sort of the happily

12:12

ever after. We just see, you know,

12:14

that this was beautiful and good and

12:17

redemptive and nothing hard about it. So

12:19

I appreciate you asking the question because.

12:23

Many times that we as adoptive moms here

12:25

and what our children here is

12:28

well-meaning people say things like, oh,

12:31

you are so lucky. They say that to the child.

12:33

You're so lucky that you've been adopted

12:35

by this family.

12:37

And that is just a really damaging thing

12:39

to say. So first

12:41

of all, don't say that. If you have

12:43

said that in the past, maybe remove that

12:45

from your repertoire of things that you say

12:47

to adoptive families, because the

12:51

fact that adoption exists points

12:54

to the reality, as you said, Emily, of

12:56

just brokenness in our world. In

12:59

the adoption community, we talk frequently about

13:01

the triad, the three. So if you picture

13:04

a triangle, each

13:05

corner of the triangle, the first corner

13:07

is the birth family, the biological mom

13:09

or the first family. The second

13:12

is the adoptee, and the third is

13:14

the adoptive family. And

13:16

so we have to really be considering all

13:18

three corners when it comes to adoption.

13:21

And I think we have,

13:23

unfortunately, for the most part, focused

13:25

just on the adoptive family more than

13:27

anything and not the adoptee as well as

13:30

the first family

13:30

or the biological mom. So

13:33

it's important that we consider, you know, what

13:35

has happened in the biological mom's life

13:38

that has led to her inability

13:40

to parent the baby that

13:43

she grew in her womb and acknowledge

13:46

that grief and that loss and that sadness.

13:48

And then knowing that that's a tremendous

13:50

loss for the adoptee as well. More

13:53

and more is coming out about separation

13:55

and grief and trauma, but studies

13:57

show that

13:58

even babies...

14:00

who are adopted directly

14:02

from

14:02

the delivery room into

14:04

a tremendous trauma. And it literally

14:07

impacts their brain in ways that we're just

14:09

beginning to understand. So

14:12

while our adoption of a 12 year old is

14:14

sort of maybe extreme and unique,

14:17

and you don't usually hear about that,

14:20

the hard reality is that an adoption

14:22

of a newborn baby is also

14:25

hugely impactful on that child. So

14:27

there's just, there is a ton

14:30

of loss.

14:31

And I can get into that more as the conversation

14:34

goes on, but I guess I'll just stop here with saying

14:36

that yes, it is worthy

14:38

of celebrating. Every child deserves

14:41

and needs a mother and a father

14:43

who's unconditionally loving.

14:45

But the fact that there is a child who

14:47

needs that points

14:50

to extreme brokenness

14:52

in the birth mom's life. And then

14:54

a lifetime of grief for

14:57

the adoptee who lost his or

14:59

her first family. We've got to hold

15:01

both. Both are true. And it's okay

15:04

to hold both in one hand, the

15:07

joy and the grief, the sorrow,

15:09

the reconciliation, the brokenness, the redemption.

15:11

It's all part of the story. I

15:14

really appreciate just that example

15:16

of the triad that you shared and

15:18

wanting to honor all three parties

15:20

involved. And you're right. even as someone

15:22

kind of looking from the outside, it can

15:25

be very easy to just focus on

15:27

that one happy, happy

15:29

day, happy moment when the adoption

15:32

is complete and it feels like this new family

15:34

has been formed. And you

15:37

know, I'm just

15:38

wondering here how as an adoptive

15:40

parent, as a mom who has gone

15:43

through an adoption, what does that look like

15:46

to honor the grief that

15:48

you mentioned your child is going to have for the rest of their

15:50

life and understandably

15:53

so. And even the grief that you know

15:55

is the reality. But also,

15:58

you have been given this.

16:00

new son or daughter and it is truly

16:02

beautiful. And so what does it look like to honor

16:04

those things? I like how you talked about having them both in one

16:07

hand, but how do we see that kind

16:09

of practically play out?

16:10

I think it's crucial for adoptive

16:13

parents to be really open

16:15

and honest with their children from day

16:17

one and to just

16:20

say what's true all the time.

16:22

And what is true

16:24

is that we can honor our children's

16:27

birth families. You know, I know that children

16:30

are separated from their first families for various

16:32

reasons. And some feel

16:35

like to us, you know, horrific

16:37

and unspeakable.

16:40

And it's not that we should share like those kinds of details.

16:42

What I'm getting at is that we should honor

16:45

birth families where honor is due. And

16:47

there is some measure of honor

16:50

due to every birth family. And

16:52

I would even argue probably pretty incredible honor

16:55

if you understand and value the story

16:58

of those first families and what they as moms

17:00

and dads were born into themselves and

17:02

what they're navigating themselves. I think just

17:06

probably immeasurable

17:07

honor is due them even if

17:10

as the adoptive parent, you feel like there

17:13

are some things that

17:14

are just really horrifying to you. you. So

17:18

I would say speak what's true and

17:20

give the honor, give the credit, give the

17:22

glory to God for the life of

17:25

the mom and dad, the life of the child

17:27

that they chose to give life to. You

17:29

know, there's a lot of ways that we can express

17:31

gratitude and celebrate first

17:34

families and biological moms, and that should

17:36

be done from day one. And

17:39

then at the same time also acknowledging

17:41

the loss, as we've already said,

17:44

just the brokenness and the separation that had to

17:46

happen

17:47

and also saying, you know,

17:49

I have had the gift

17:52

from God above of being your mom and I

17:54

treasure that and repeating that over and over

17:56

and just voicing to your child.

17:59

your trust in God's sovereignty,

18:01

his providence, his kindness in

18:04

uniting you to your child and

18:06

the treasure that that child is. And

18:08

again, holding both of those things in both hands

18:11

and speaking what is true, not exaggerating,

18:14

not lying, but also not keeping things

18:16

secret or shameful. And

18:19

also speaking in a way that's age appropriate, of course,

18:21

you know, and sharing things at the right

18:24

milestones. And I think it takes a village to do

18:26

this well. I

18:28

strongly encourage, I think

18:30

it's just probably imperative that

18:32

families pursue counseling and

18:35

pursue that through Christian

18:37

counselors who are trauma informed,

18:39

who are adoption informed, so

18:42

that they are speaking in a healthy way to that

18:44

whole triad. I think counseling

18:46

is just crucial for adoptive parents

18:49

as well as adopted kids

18:51

and biological kids. Everybody's

18:53

got things to

18:54

sort through and work through. So

18:57

I would say, you know, one way of

19:00

holding both of those things in one hand is to pursue counseling.

19:03

It's to have friends in your community

19:05

who are also trauma informed and adoption

19:07

informed and who aren't going to say

19:10

those really damaging sentences

19:12

that mean well, but leave a

19:14

mark for a lifetime. And

19:17

this is a process that is lifelong

19:19

because every milestone, every birthday,

19:22

every holiday, developmental phase for your

19:24

child is a reminder that

19:27

they have lost their first

19:29

mom and their culture and their first

19:31

family. And so it's not

19:33

something that we can sort of

19:35

heal from and move on. It's something

19:37

that we have to process for a lifetime.

19:40

So I think, yeah, for the adoptive mom out there, build

19:43

a community who knows these things

19:46

and seek their friendship. your

19:49

child has relationships with those people

19:51

who have this knowledge and this understanding and

19:54

who will honor first moms and first families,

19:57

as well as adoptive and forever families.

20:00

I'm glad that you're talking openly about

20:02

this and just sharing some really practical things

20:04

that we hope will help and serve,

20:07

you know, adoptive moms in our community. And

20:10

I know at the end there, you're kind of shifting the conversation

20:12

towards the adoptee

20:15

and some of the unique griefs

20:17

that they experience, not just one

20:19

time, but over the course of a lifetime.

20:22

Is there anything else you would want to add to

20:25

that of, you know, what are some of the

20:27

griefs that adoptees might experience

20:30

and then what does it look like for a mom

20:32

to come alongside them in

20:34

those sorrows? You know, again,

20:37

we are so saturated in a culture

20:39

that just does not talk about these things.

20:41

You know, I know you guys have spoken

20:42

before about the fact that

20:45

we don't lay men well as a people, we don't

20:47

grieve well as a people. And I think

20:49

that is amplified in this particular

20:51

conversation because we also really

20:54

celebrate only the happy side of adoption.

20:56

So we're just, as a people, we're just ill-equipped

20:59

to do this. So

21:02

the adoptive parents have a arduous

21:05

journey ahead of them to get prepared. And

21:08

I

21:10

count adoption as one of the

21:13

most precious gifts in our lives. I cannot

21:15

fathom not having

21:17

had this gift. And I

21:20

would do it a million times

21:21

over our daughter's precious to us. At

21:23

the same time, I want the prospective adoptive

21:26

families to know you're

21:28

going into something that's not a fairy tale.

21:31

You're not going into a fantasy. You're

21:33

not walking into happily ever after. And

21:36

you will be the greatest

21:39

source of healing for your child

21:42

if you're willing. You

21:45

can be a source of, I think,

21:48

continued grief and continued trauma if

21:50

you're not ready. So it's important

21:52

that you prepare yourself. I think

21:55

one of the best ways to do that is by

21:57

centering the voice of the adoptee. there

21:59

are.

22:00

beautiful memoirs and

22:02

podcasts and tools available where

22:05

adoptees voices are being centered more

22:07

and more, and I'm so thankful and cannot recommend

22:09

that enough. A lot of them are

22:12

hard to listen to at times.

22:14

Some of them are not Christian, so they

22:16

miss the focus of the gospel and the redemption

22:19

of God and the reconciliation that He is doing,

22:22

but they are nonetheless the voice of adoptees, and

22:24

I think they're really valuable. As hard as they can be

22:26

to listen to, I think it's important to

22:29

hear unflinchingly what adult

22:32

adoptees have to say, sort

22:33

of looking back on what was good, what was hard.

22:37

Because yeah, again, as I've said, this grief will

22:39

last a lifetime and it resurfaces frequently.

22:42

And as our daughter

22:43

has grown and become a mom

22:45

herself, that's a whole new wave

22:48

of processing for her. What

22:51

she endured as a child now and she's raising

22:53

her own children from that perspective.

22:56

So I think it's just key that

22:59

adoptive parents be ready for that,

23:01

be educated. Many agencies,

23:04

I would say find a very good agency

23:06

because they do require trauma training.

23:09

And I think that's so important. Pursue

23:11

those books and those podcasts in the community,

23:14

the adoption community where it's not

23:16

all sunshine, but

23:20

people are getting a real about what

23:23

is hard as well as beautiful and redemptive.

23:26

We can do this and we must do this. Adoption

23:30

is a beautiful and holy

23:32

calling. I just also want

23:34

to impress upon the listener that

23:37

it is hard and you've got to be ready to

23:40

be a tool of healing

23:42

rather than a tool of accidental,

23:45

even subconscious, unintentional

23:47

continued harm. So it

23:50

can be done. And I know so many godly,

23:52

beautiful, wise,

23:53

adoptive parents who I seek their wisdom

23:56

all the time and they're doing it well. My

23:58

daughter is thriving.

24:00

because of God's good hand in her life,

24:02

and I can talk openly with her about these things.

24:05

That's coming. That is coming

24:07

in the future, but there are

24:09

years of just work

24:11

as a family to put in. Thank you

24:13

for sharing that with us. It

24:16

is encouraging just to hear that no matter

24:18

how hard it is, it is still worth it and it's still

24:20

possible. We know that as believers that the

24:24

the gospel is just a huge aid

24:27

in that. And it's something, as

24:29

you noted, gives us an entirely different perspective

24:31

than those who do not know the Lord. And so

24:33

can you help us just understand

24:37

and get a grasp on how

24:39

the gospel has given you a deeper

24:42

understanding and appreciation

24:42

of adoption and

24:45

how that helps you even in your griefs? Yes.

24:48

As believers, we know that our father's

24:50

heart is for the fatherless and we know that

24:53

adoption is his plan. It's his

24:55

idea. I mean, his will is that no

24:57

child would be without a mom and a dad.

25:00

He's the one who designed families and

25:02

he's the one who welcomes us in going

25:05

so far as to have endured

25:07

death on a cross to make us his

25:10

own. And in our adoption

25:12

journey, I have so chewed

25:14

on those truths daily,

25:17

just meditated on them and even obsessed

25:19

over the goodness of my father

25:21

in heaven and the lengths that he

25:23

has gone to, to make me

25:26

his daughter

25:26

and to just provide

25:28

healing and unconditional love and unconditional

25:31

forgiveness and mercy in my life. So

25:33

it's important that all that we do as

25:36

believers and especially as adoptive parents is

25:38

couched in the gospel.

25:39

This is key

25:41

and there were definitely you know verses throughout scripture

25:44

about adoption that really fueled us while we were

25:46

waiting, that fueled us in

25:48

some of the harder days of parenting. absolutely

25:52

gird yourself up

25:53

with the gospel and

25:55

the goodness of your father. One

25:58

thing I would say that. may

26:00

feel a little bit jarring is

26:03

in the church, we love that metaphor.

26:06

God has adopted us, so then

26:08

we adopt the fatherless. And

26:11

it's a

26:12

good metaphor, but it does

26:15

fall short. And I think it's really

26:17

important that we acknowledge that.

26:20

We adoptive parents

26:22

are not God. We

26:25

are not good like Him. We

26:27

are not omniscient, omnipotent,

26:29

sovereign and able like He is.

26:32

We also are not a savior. And

26:36

I think just being really gut level honest,

26:38

the conversations I have with other adoptive families

26:41

is

26:42

whether it's conscious or not, and

26:44

I think it's subconscious in pretty pervasive ways,

26:47

we go into adoption wanting to rescue

26:49

and save.

26:51

And some of that is really good. And

26:53

some of that comes directly from God. But

26:56

what is true is that we won't be

26:58

able to do that because we are fallen

27:01

and we are finite. We

27:03

just, we are not the savior

27:06

and we are not like God in so

27:08

many ways. So it's important

27:10

to just realize that, you know, I mean, you have

27:12

to do that as a mom, right? You

27:15

guys talk about this all the time. You have to come to the end of yourself

27:17

and realize I am not God.

27:20

I am not enough, but He is,

27:22

and

27:23

He is there for me and

27:25

my children. And so I feel like it's worth

27:27

just repeating and even adding exclamation

27:29

points for the adoptive parent,

27:32

because you are in this weird, unique situation

27:34

where you do go in and rescue. You

27:37

do go in and reconcile

27:39

a child and bring them home and make

27:41

them your own. And they inherit all

27:43

that you have. And it is a picture of

27:45

the gospel. but where

27:47

it falls short is in the reality

27:49

that will confront you about

27:53

five seconds into your being an adoptive

27:55

parent, that you are not good like

27:57

God and that you don't

27:59

have. have the immeasurable patience

28:02

and mercy and goodness that he has. So

28:06

what has comforted me, and you guys speak to this

28:09

so well, is not

28:11

depending on my perfection as an

28:13

adoptive mom, just acknowledging

28:15

from the get-go, I am going to screw

28:17

this up and acknowledging that to my

28:20

kids and saying

28:22

I'm sorry and looking back on dumb

28:24

things that I said or sinful posture

28:26

of my heart and just apologizing and repenting.

28:30

And then asking for forgiveness and trusting

28:32

God in heaven to

28:34

meet my child, not only for the losses

28:36

she endured in her first family, but the losses she's

28:39

enduring now in her forever family and

28:41

the ways that I have

28:43

painted a bad picture of who God is.

28:46

And just trusting that the Lord will

28:49

meet me when I fall short and he

28:51

will meet her when I

28:53

fall short and that He is enough.

28:56

So I think that just the gospel

28:59

is a picture of adoption and at the same time, we

29:01

are not God. But let us turn

29:03

to God, let

29:04

us rely on Him and encourage our children

29:06

to do the same.

29:08

It's so rich and I think sometimes,

29:10

you know, it can feel trite because we just

29:13

say over and over, Christians just say over and over

29:16

again to one another, anything that we should say, right?

29:18

Jesus is better.

29:21

Jesus is the only Savior.

29:23

Only God is enough. And

29:26

yeah, those are the answers and

29:28

the truths that we

29:30

need to remember over and over

29:32

and over again,

29:34

regardless of what

29:36

we're facing and experiencing in motherhood

29:38

as Christians, that is our aim, right? To look

29:41

to Christ

29:42

and to point our children to Christ. Because

29:44

like you said, we will fail them. We

29:47

will fall short no matter what circumstances

29:49

we have or whether someone is an adoptive

29:51

mom or not. And so I

29:53

love that we can all be

29:55

united around that and

29:58

say, yeah, we're all pointing to the. Savior.

30:01

He's our only hope. Praise

30:04

Him that He doesn't put the hope

30:06

within us. And that just gives Him

30:09

all the more glory. So

30:10

grateful for that word. And is

30:13

there any final encouragement that

30:15

you would give to a mom who is

30:17

perhaps in the adoption process or

30:20

she's already adoptive mom and she is

30:22

struggling with grief? Yes, I would

30:24

love to speak to her. I wish I could have coffee with

30:26

her and just come alongside

30:28

her as a mom who's been in this for over 13 years now.

30:33

I would say, you know, again, as we

30:35

have said a few times already, adoption is

30:37

worthwhile. It is important that children

30:40

have moms and dads,

30:40

and it is good for children without

30:43

homes to be brought into homes. So don't

30:46

second guess the goodness of this call. It

30:49

is an alignment with God's heart. But

30:53

do

30:53

respond to that call in healthy ways

30:56

with a community that can confirm that

30:58

calling in your life

31:00

with the support of people around you

31:02

saying, yes, I think your marriage can handle

31:05

it. You're ready for it. You have

31:07

a faith family. You have the support that you need.

31:09

Don't go into it blindly or thinking

31:12

that love is all you need

31:14

because that's just not true. into

31:16

it prepared with just an army of support

31:19

and ready to respond

31:21

to what's going to happen in

31:23

your in your family as it changes as

31:26

a result of adoption. My encouragement

31:29

and even exhortation, and I say this to myself

31:31

first and foremost, is

31:33

to be healthy and whole

31:36

and ready. Truly, your

31:38

relationship with your kids

31:40

will be the strongest tool in the

31:42

hands of God to heal their trauma.

31:45

And so it's imperative that

31:47

you are ready to respond to

31:49

them with unconditional love

31:51

and unwavering stability. Children

31:54

who've gone through trauma and I know we are friends

31:57

with so many adoptive families internationally

31:59

as well as.

32:00

foster care and domestically. Kids

32:03

who endure that any kind of trauma

32:06

present behaviors and needs that

32:09

are not typical and that

32:11

we are not generally ready for. And

32:13

so if we take things

32:15

personally, or if we respond

32:18

emotionally, or if we have some

32:20

sort of debt of like

32:23

need or love or affirmation that

32:25

we want our adoptive kids to fill, we

32:27

will place on them expectations

32:30

and requirements that they cannot bear. And

32:32

so for our adoptive moms, my

32:35

encouragement would be go to counseling, be

32:37

in an adoptive community, have

32:39

strong mature Christian friends who have infused

32:42

the gospel into every

32:43

crevice and corner of your life

32:46

and who will help you

32:48

be firm in your foundation in

32:50

the Lord,

32:51

know who you are in Jesus and

32:54

be able to just be filled by the spirit

32:57

and a conduit for the spirit to

32:59

your children. I think that adoptive

33:02

moms do need to grieve a

33:04

lot of losses. There's a lot of expectation

33:07

for what it's going to be like.

33:08

There's a lot of just a fantasy

33:11

out there for what's ahead.

33:13

And that's true for motherhood in general.

33:16

I think it's kind of on steroids for adoptive motherhood.

33:19

So there is grief, you know, grieve,

33:21

grieve what you've lost or thought you

33:23

would have that you're not going to have.

33:26

Grieve what your child has lost

33:28

and continues to lose every year, every

33:31

milestone. But then cling

33:33

to the cross and remember that our

33:35

God is absolutely able

33:37

to heal. And when you're tempted

33:39

to not believe that, cling

33:41

to the cross again and call your friends and get

33:43

your community around you to remind you

33:45

of the strength and victory

33:48

that we have in Christ and

33:50

that that resurrection power is available to us as

33:53

moms. And you can do this by

33:55

Him, for Him, through Him, to

33:57

Him. You can do this with Jesus. You

33:59

can't.

34:00

do it without him though and

34:02

so don't try. So yeah,

34:04

I think my final encouragement to that mom is just twofold

34:06

is one, be ready because

34:09

it's hard.

34:11

Rejoice in it. It's good and it's worth

34:13

celebrating.

34:14

Be ready

34:16

to celebrate and be ready to work hard

34:18

and just call on the Lord your God

34:20

in the good and the bad. He

34:22

is sovereign and good and he does

34:25

bring healing. He is reconciling all

34:27

things by the blood of his cross and

34:29

don't believe otherwise.

34:33

My name is Annie Perez

34:35

and I'm part of the Risen

34:39

Motherhood community because

34:41

no matter So

34:52

what I'm going through in the mundane

34:55

tasks of every single day,

34:57

I am reminded